A couple of intense T sessions...

July 10, 2011

Hi Everyone,

I have had a couple of heavy sessions with T and wanted to share with like

minded people :-)

I had one session a couple of days after my cousin's wedding and it was hard

going as I spent the whole hour being vague and non committal about how I was

feeling lots of self doubt and the source of that feeling. Basically I had had a

good time at the wedding and I couldn't admit it. I felt like if I admitted it,

it would be taken away from me or examined to show I didn't really have a good

time (i.e. things nada does). I rang up T next day and just told her what was

really going on and we had a good chat about it.

The next session started ok as I have been trying to expand my interests and

talked about doing that. One area where I am examining is my belief in

God/Higher power. I have always said I believed in God cause I thought it was a

good thing to do, but now I don't think I do. God was big issue in our house as

nada is a big `believer' as she believes she has some sort of direct line.

Funnily enough, this direct line tells her how she is in the right/blessed and

others (including myself) aren't cause we don't `get' her (i.e. unquestioning

believe her direct line). But if I fell into line and follow her guidance, I'd

be better off. Anyway... T has been supportive in me deciding my own views on

this topic. During the session as I was talking about a lecture I had heard on

big bang theory, T started talking about her own beliefs. I felt like I had been

interrupted and it triggered all that stuff in me about nada not respecting any

beliefs/views but her own. I could feel myself shutting down and becoming

mono-syllabic like I do around nada. After a few minutes I could no longer hide

my feelings and burst out sobbing. I couldn't even speak for a few minutes. T

allowed me to sob and then we discussed what had happened. I explained how I had

been triggered and how it felt and that whole thing of not being listened to. I

half expected T to tell me how she didn't mean it and I should just get over it.

But she listened to what I said and validated my triggering feelings. To be

honest I found it difficult to believe T's sincerity and part of me wants to

walk out on the whole thing. I have it built into me to be skeptical of people

being understanding. But I have booked another appointment for next week. I

think it was a good thing to allow myself to feel and express myself which I

couldn't do growing up with nada. I didn't go to work the next day, I couldn't

bare to be around people and pretend I'm ok.

Then yesterday I went to see nada who has had some health problems. I was in

very LC with nada but she has moved back in with my dad and so now I am seeing

her more often and using that medium chill technique. I would prefer not to see

nada but I do want to continue seeing my dad.

While there were no major incidents during my visit, I came home and started

crying. I got a sort of insight/felt that it was't me. Nada is the one who lost

me. Nada was the one who pushed me away. I didn't push her away. If tomorrow she

was able to be normal, I'd be there for her, no question. I am not a selfish

person. As a child, isn't it the parent's job to accommodate, nurture and bring

out the best in the child? Not the other way round? Cause that is what it is

like with nada. Somehow I am at fault cause I didn't conform to nada's

expectations and make enough of an effort to help her? No way, I am no longer

having this at my feet. Nada can take it back. She was the parent, it was her

job, not mine to create a healthy atmosphere at home.

I hope this means I am letting go some of this baggage. I am still too scared to

believe I can really heal.

I know this is a bit of a meandering post. Thanks for reading, this board has

been so helpful since I found it.

Nav

x

July 10, 2011

I think you've had some pretty amazing and deep insights happen to you! That's

wonderful! It can be painful to have these insights " hit " you, but its worth

the pain, seems to me. Its sort of like the effort of climbing a steep, rocky

hill; its exhausting, its kind of dangerous because you could slip or some rock

could fall on you, and maybe one section is too slippery and you slide backwards

a little, but you keep climbing and finally manage to reach the top. As you

stand up, you are rewarded with the breath-taking vista. You can see the shape

and form of miles and miles of land spread out below you, and maybe the ocean

off in the distance. The familiar places look different from above and you can

see where and how the areas you know fit together with each other, you can see

the roads, the rivers, the intersections, the buildings. Its like a big puzzle

with all the pieces in place.

Congratulations on your hard work and insights and personal growth! It takes a

lot of courage and just sheer determination to reach those goals. I hope you

will give yourself a nice reward, a treat, for having achieved this.

-Annie

>

> Hi Everyone,

> I have had a couple of heavy sessions with T and wanted to share with like