Re: Regressed

January 10, 2012

Yes, I think that the repetitive cycle of fleeing or distancing oneself

emotionally from an abusive person when they are being abusive, then after a

period of time safely away from the abuse, craving contact with the " good " parts

of that person again, is normal.

That is what " intermittent reinforcement " is all about: sometimes you get the

reward, sometimes you get the kick in the face, and you never know which one

you're going to get. Its the basis of gambling addiction. It keeps you trying

again and again to get the reward (good times with the loving, validating

version of your bpd parent) despite getting the kick in the face by the pd

parent an average of half of the time.

If your nada was really horrible, dangerous, hurtful, and toxic to you most of

the time, you wouldn't feel this way, probably. Your survival instinct would

kick in and remind you that MOST of the time, this person IS trying to hurt you,

so its better to make a clean break, escape, and stay away.

But its very, very crazy-making when an abuser is only destructive toward you

about half the time or less; then its possible for that addictive intermittent

reinforcement thing to kick in. Or, along a similar dynamic, its possible for

" Stockholm Syndrome " or betrayal bonding to kick in. Betrayal bonding is what

happens to helpless people like kidnap victims or hostages, when their

abuser/tormentor is also the person on whom the victim is totally and abjectly

dependent for food, water, and their very life. Super-bonding is a subconscious

effort on the part of the victim to elicit more caring behaviors on the part of

the abuser/captor. Infants and toddlers who are severely abused by their

primary care-giver develop an extreme but unhealthy bond with their abuser: the

child hyper-bonds in an attempt to " force " the abusive care-giver to show more

caring/positive behaviors and lessen the frequency and intensity of the abuse or

neglect.

So, seems to me that its normal to " backslide " or regress; addiction is a

genuinely difficult thing to beat. Having our subconscious triggered to

super-bond with our abuser as an infantile survival mechanism is a genuinely

difficult thing to beat.

-Annie

>

> I feel like I've regressed. I thought I was dealing really well with my

complete separation from nada until I had a disturbing dream about her on my

honeymoon (yay). Then I got an 'absurdly normal' xmas card. I realized that it

would be the second xmas without her. I felt guilty about my happiness - I am

beginning to LIKE xmas after a lifetime of anxiety and shame. Then all the

dreams and thoughts came flooding back. The guilt, the late night conversations

with my hubby. We determined that I wouldn't get into touch with nada.

>

> I still want a normal relationship with her. I want her to be reasonable,

normal, well. But I know that's never going to happen. At times, I wonder if I

should have explained my separation. She doesn't know that she's BPD. I didn't

give her a chance to understand or try to recover. In my heart of hearts, I know

that wouldn't actually happen either.

>

> I'm also struggling with feeling overwhelmed by life, anxious and unable to

truly relax. The last time I recall being relaxed was in 2007, while I was

backpacking alone.

>

> Anyway. I thought I would share this here because I don't know where else to.

Do any of you experience this cycle of recovery and regression?

>

January 11, 2012

I would not be quite so quite to frame that as regression. I would be more

inclined to think of it as you needing to process your relationship with her at

a deeper level than you have been ready for until now. I see it as progress of

a kind. Ask yourself what might you need to feel or know right now about her or

yourself that you to bring you more peace or resolve right now.

Hc

>

> I feel like I've regressed. I thought I was dealing really well with my

complete separation from nada until I had a disturbing dream about her on my

honeymoon (yay). Then I got an 'absurdly normal' xmas card. I realized that it

would be the second xmas without her. I felt guilty about my happiness - I am

beginning to LIKE xmas after a lifetime of anxiety and shame. Then all the

dreams and thoughts came flooding back. The guilt, the late night conversations

with my hubby. We determined that I wouldn't get into touch with nada.

>

> I still want a normal relationship with her. I want her to be reasonable,

normal, well. But I know that's never going to happen. At times, I wonder if I

should have explained my separation. She doesn't know that she's BPD. I didn't

give her a chance to understand or try to recover. In my heart of hearts, I know

that wouldn't actually happen either.

>

> I'm also struggling with feeling overwhelmed by life, anxious and unable to

truly relax. The last time I recall being relaxed was in 2007, while I was

backpacking alone.

>

> Anyway. I thought I would share this here because I don't know where else to.

Do any of you experience this cycle of recovery and regression?

>

January 12, 2012

I often feel like I make a bunch of progress and then regress into the disaster

I used to be. Don't let the little slips make you feel like you're back at the

starting line. You can want normal until the cows come come, but there's a

pretty big chance the normal cows won't come at all. NC is a big decision and

you are going to doubt yourself along the way, but if you've taken the action,

then it must have been right for you. Nightmares of nada wake me and my fiance

has to soothe the sobbing and coax me back to sleep, 6.5 years NC and I'm still

shaken by her. I have always been overwhelmed by life and recently took matters

into my own hands. Previous doctors and therapists have tried to put me on

anti-depressants, but I am not depressed and they made me physically ill. I

guess everyone thinks I should be depressed, carrying such a heavy past, but I'm

not. I said, why not anti-anxiety meds? Why not calm the nagging self-doubt,

the racing thoughts, the needless shame and guilt? So I found a doctor who

listened to my ideas and wrote me an anti-anxiety prescription. Please don't

take me for a pill-pusher. I'm not, but if you can find aid in a very very low

dose of something, why not? I want this to be a stepping stone into my new life

as I'm getting married soon. I feel like I'm hardwired in a negative way. I'm

ready to use the pills to help me build new, better habits, and positive learned

behaviors. I still feel like me, but now I have the ability to stay calm and to

overcome the flood of uncontrollable thoughts. Is that such a bad thing?

Previously it felt there was a small voice inside of my head who was the real

me, but there were a thousand doubts screaming and drowning it out. Now I feel

like I have the little angel and devil on my shoulder. The angel is my real

voice and the devil is self-doubt, but it's there as a reminder and there's just

one to deal with, so it's not as bad.

You have not lost all ground. Keep that in mind. You had the strength to come

to this support group and seek out others in your position. Keep trying to move

forward, even when you think you're slipping backward. You're doing better than

you know. I promise.

January 12, 2012

I would also like to add that even though NADA was diagnosed and prescribed meds

she swore that the meds are what made her crazy and that she " never used to be

this way. " I can tell you, she was always that way and she didn't even take the

meds after a few weeks, but continued to blame them for years. So, even though

some BPDs are aware, it doesn't matter. And if you believe that telling her she

is BPD wouldn't help, you probably know best and it wouldn't help.

>

> I often feel like I make a bunch of progress and then regress into the

disaster I used to be. Don't let the little slips make you feel like you're

back at the starting line. You can want normal until the cows come come, but

there's a pretty big chance the normal cows won't come at all. NC is a big

decision and you are going to doubt yourself along the way, but if you've taken

the action, then it must have been right for you. Nightmares of nada wake me

and my fiance has to soothe the sobbing and coax me back to sleep, 6.5 years NC

and I'm still shaken by her. I have always been overwhelmed by life and recently

took matters into my own hands. Previous doctors and therapists have tried to

put me on anti-depressants, but I am not depressed and they made me physically

ill. I guess everyone thinks I should be depressed, carrying such a heavy past,

but I'm not. I said, why not anti-anxiety meds? Why not calm the nagging

self-doubt, the racing thoughts, the needless shame and guilt? So I found a

doctor who listened to my ideas and wrote me an anti-anxiety prescription.

Please don't take me for a pill-pusher. I'm not, but if you can find aid in a

very very low dose of something, why not? I want this to be a stepping stone

into my new life as I'm getting married soon. I feel like I'm hardwired in a

negative way. I'm ready to use the pills to help me build new, better habits,

and positive learned behaviors. I still feel like me, but now I have the

ability to stay calm and to overcome the flood of uncontrollable thoughts. Is

that such a bad thing? Previously it felt there was a small voice inside of my

head who was the real me, but there were a thousand doubts screaming and

drowning it out. Now I feel like I have the little angel and devil on my

shoulder. The angel is my real voice and the devil is self-doubt, but it's

there as a reminder and there's just one to deal with, so it's not as bad.

>

> You have not lost all ground. Keep that in mind. You had the strength to

come to this support group and seek out others in your position. Keep trying to

move forward, even when you think you're slipping backward. You're doing better

than you know. I promise.

>

January 13, 2012

le -

Please don't beat yourself up for trying anti-anxiety drugs.

The experiences we've had with our parents can actually alter our brain

chemistry, making it really difficult to beat the anxiety un-aided.

Sounds like you are doing a lot of hard work, examining your past and working on

behaviors you no longer find helpful.

I just started anti-depressants as a migraine prevention, and it has been

AMAZING to realize how much time I was spending trying to calm my brain down to

avoid migraines. This low dose pill is working better than 1 hour of daily

meditation at preventing migraines (of course, meditation has other benefits you

can't get from a pill) -