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I feel like I've regressed. I thought I was dealing really well with my complete

separation from nada until I had a disturbing dream about her on my honeymoon

(yay). Then I got an 'absurdly normal' xmas card. I realized that it would be

the second xmas without her. I felt guilty about my happiness - I am beginning

to LIKE xmas after a lifetime of anxiety and shame. Then all the dreams and

thoughts came flooding back. The guilt, the late night conversations with my

hubby. We determined that I wouldn't get into touch with nada.

I still want a normal relationship with her. I want her to be reasonable,

normal, well. But I know that's never going to happen. At times, I wonder if I

should have explained my separation. She doesn't know that she's BPD. I didn't

give her a chance to understand or try to recover. In my heart of hearts, I know

that wouldn't actually happen either.

I'm also struggling with feeling overwhelmed by life, anxious and unable to

truly relax. The last time I recall being relaxed was in 2007, while I was

backpacking alone.

Anyway. I thought I would share this here because I don't know where else to. Do

any of you experience this cycle of recovery and regression?

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