can't get my mind around the hate

[Guest guest]

Hello All-

Did you every feel like your BPD relatives hated you for no good reason?

My mom once shoved a little girl's head into a concrete wall, simply because the

girl reminded her of me! (she lost her teaching job because of this, which she

maintained was my fault, and another reason to be angry at me!)

My BPD bro has sent me a couple hundred pieces of hate mail.

My BPD father wouldn't talk to me for years after I tried to point out some of

the abusive behaviors he'd engaged in, hoping we could start some kind of

dialogue. Bro told me Dad's hatred was so intense, he advised me not to come

home " because he still has that shotgun " .

Why the hate? Why all the hate?

20, 30 years later, and I still don't get it.

Letty

[Guest guest]

Maybe they hate because they're full of hate. It says more about them than

you. Good luck!

> **

>

>

> Hello All-

>

> Did you every feel like your BPD relatives hated you for no good reason?

>

> My mom once shoved a little girl's head into a concrete wall, simply

> because the girl reminded her of me! (she lost her teaching job because of

> this, which she maintained was my fault, and another reason to be angry at

> me!)

>

> My BPD bro has sent me a couple hundred pieces of hate mail.

>

> My BPD father wouldn't talk to me for years after I tried to point out

> some of the abusive behaviors he'd engaged in, hoping we could start some

> kind of dialogue. Bro told me Dad's hatred was so intense, he advised me

> not to come home " because he still has that shotgun " .

>

> Why the hate? Why all the hate?

>

> 20, 30 years later, and I still don't get it.

>

> Letty

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Some one here recently said that she realized that her Bpd mom didn't actually

see " her " . I thought that was wise. That was my experience wity nada. To her

I was a need gratifying object. Moreover it was my job to make up for all the

betrayls she felt she suffered in her lifetime. So when I let her down on this

basis I deserved to be hated. It isn't you they hate Letty. It is some twisted

distortion that is really a projection of their inner world. It very sad, but

it's not about you.

Hc

>

> Hello All-

>

> Did you every feel like your BPD relatives hated you for no good reason?

>

> My mom once shoved a little girl's head into a concrete wall, simply because

the girl reminded her of me! (she lost her teaching job because of this, which

she maintained was my fault, and another reason to be angry at me!)

>

> My BPD bro has sent me a couple hundred pieces of hate mail.

>

> My BPD father wouldn't talk to me for years after I tried to point out some of

the abusive behaviors he'd engaged in, hoping we could start some kind of

dialogue. Bro told me Dad's hatred was so intense, he advised me not to come

home " because he still has that shotgun " .

>

> Why the hate? Why all the hate?

>

> 20, 30 years later, and I still don't get it.

>

> Letty

>

[Guest guest]

I got the impression that my nada hated me, sometimes. But then at other times

she'd do something really nice and loving. Back and forth, back and forth.

Black and white.

I was loved when I was " all-good " and " perfect " , and hated when I was " all-bad "

and had disappointed her, which would often trigger her into rage. It was a

very " Jekyll and Hyde " type of relationship.

My nada was violent with me and my younger Sister when we were little, but

managed to keep the injuries inflicted on us during her rages covert, and the

injuries were never severe enough to require us seeing a doctor. Up until the

last couple of years of her life, my nada was very high-functioning (she could

control her negative behaviors in public, and come across as charming and

adorable.)

I think those with npd in particular feel entitled to release their rage

whenever and wherever and against whomever they choose; whoever happens to be

within range at the moment. They can't soothe themselves any other way than to

inflict pain equal to the pain they believe they have received and are

suffering. Some of them " act in " and cut themselves or otherwise harm

themselves to distract themselves from emotional pain or rage, but others " act

out " and inflict their inner turmoil, rage, frustration, self-loathing or

whatever on others; blaming said other person for " making " the pd person lash

out at them.

Anyone who would bash a child's head into a wall out of frustration or rage is

too seriously mentally ill to be around children; I'm glad your nada was removed

from her teaching job.

Why so much hate, is a good question. I think it is narcissistic rage. Those

with Cluster B pds and psychopathy can react with extreme rage and

retaliation/revenge behaviors when they have received a " narcissistic injury " ,

i.e., a bruise to their ego. They want to " get you back " , tit for tat, so to

speak. They even feel entitled to do this. Such disturbed individuals should

not be in a position of taking care of children or in charge of children, in my

opinion.

-Annie

>

> Hello All-

>

> Did you every feel like your BPD relatives hated you for no good reason?

>

> My mom once shoved a little girl's head into a concrete wall, simply because

the girl reminded her of me! (she lost her teaching job because of this, which

she maintained was my fault, and another reason to be angry at me!)

>

> My BPD bro has sent me a couple hundred pieces of hate mail.

>

> My BPD father wouldn't talk to me for years after I tried to point out some of

the abusive behaviors he'd engaged in, hoping we could start some kind of

dialogue. Bro told me Dad's hatred was so intense, he advised me not to come

home " because he still has that shotgun " .

>

> Why the hate? Why all the hate?

>

> 20, 30 years later, and I still don't get it.

>

> Letty

>

[Guest guest]

I'll never forget the day I realized my nada hated me. I can't remember the

fight or the trivial thing I did to cause it, but I'll never forget the complete

lack of love in her eyes as she screamed at me. I was 16. She had always been

abusive and I'd always known we were not normal, but it wasn't until that day

that I could see it was much worse than I'd ever imagined. We stopped being

mother and daughter that day and life was an even more miserable war-zone for

the next two years. She regularly locked me out of the house, left me at far

away malls, and even got bold enough to hit me in public. She even attempted to

drive away while I was exiting her car, in front of my high school track team.

There's more, of course, but I'll spare you. I could never and will never

understand how she could hate her little girl, the only one who always stood by

her. The little girl who tried (and succeeded, despite being cut down) to be

perfect. She hated so much, so deeply. It's just the way they are--broken,

hateful people. We just have to be thankful we made it out relatively in tact

and we're strong enough to seek the support of others with shared experience.

Be brave enough to keep trying to resolve your problems.

>

> Hello All-

>

> Did you every feel like your BPD relatives hated you for no good reason?

>

> My mom once shoved a little girl's head into a concrete wall, simply because

the girl reminded her of me! (she lost her teaching job because of this, which

she maintained was my fault, and another reason to be angry at me!)

>

> My BPD bro has sent me a couple hundred pieces of hate mail.

>

> My BPD father wouldn't talk to me for years after I tried to point out some of

the abusive behaviors he'd engaged in, hoping we could start some kind of

dialogue. Bro told me Dad's hatred was so intense, he advised me not to come

home " because he still has that shotgun " .

>

> Why the hate? Why all the hate?

>

> 20, 30 years later, and I still don't get it.

>

> Letty

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, that's violent, thuggish behavior by controlling people. I am so sorry you

had to grow up around this.

With my parents, their hate was usually expressed by intense detachment in every

way, a complete rejection, which was very painful, too.

I would save all those letters your brother sent you, especially if they contain

physical threats. It's too much; it's like your family doesn't want to hear

'no,' and if you do/say anything they don't agree with, you're out.

I hope you surround yourself with good people and good friends who validate you

and love you. I just learned in my 40's (am now 44) that although I can't

choose my FOO, I can create a new family of kindred spirits who like me and who

I enjoy being with.

Big hugs,

Fiona

>

> Hello All-

>

> Did you every feel like your BPD relatives hated you for no good reason?

>

> My mom once shoved a little girl's head into a concrete wall, simply because

the girl reminded her of me! (she lost her teaching job because of this, which

she maintained was my fault, and another reason to be angry at me!)

>

> My BPD bro has sent me a couple hundred pieces of hate mail.

>

> My BPD father wouldn't talk to me for years after I tried to point out some of

the abusive behaviors he'd engaged in, hoping we could start some kind of

dialogue. Bro told me Dad's hatred was so intense, he advised me not to come

home " because he still has that shotgun " .

>

> Why the hate? Why all the hate?

>

> 20, 30 years later, and I still don't get it.

>

> Letty

>

[Guest guest]

" To her I was a need gratifying object. Moreover it was my job to make up for

all the betrayls she felt she suffered in her lifetime. So when I let her down

on this basis I deserved to be hated. It isn't you they hate Letty. It is some

twisted distortion that is really a projection of their inner world. It very

sad, but it's not about you. "

Wow, thank you for that. That's the best way I've heard this summed up in a

while and I really needed to read it!

> >

> > Hello All-

> >

> > Did you every feel like your BPD relatives hated you for no good reason?

> >

> > My mom once shoved a little girl's head into a concrete wall, simply because

the girl reminded her of me! (she lost her teaching job because of this, which

she maintained was my fault, and another reason to be angry at me!)

> >

> > My BPD bro has sent me a couple hundred pieces of hate mail.

> >

> > My BPD father wouldn't talk to me for years after I tried to point out some

of the abusive behaviors he'd engaged in, hoping we could start some kind of

dialogue. Bro told me Dad's hatred was so intense, he advised me not to come

home " because he still has that shotgun " .

> >

> > Why the hate? Why all the hate?

> >

> > 20, 30 years later, and I still don't get it.

> >

> > Letty

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I am so glad to hear that big sister. Few things give me a warm and fuzzy

feeling like lightening the load of a fellow KO.

Hc

> > >

> > > Hello All-

> > >

> > > Did you every feel like your BPD relatives hated you for no good reason?

> > >

> > > My mom once shoved a little girl's head into a concrete wall, simply

because the girl reminded her of me! (she lost her teaching job because of this,

which she maintained was my fault, and another reason to be angry at me!)

> > >

> > > My BPD bro has sent me a couple hundred pieces of hate mail.

> > >

> > > My BPD father wouldn't talk to me for years after I tried to point out

some of the abusive behaviors he'd engaged in, hoping we could start some kind

of dialogue. Bro told me Dad's hatred was so intense, he advised me not to come

home " because he still has that shotgun " .

> > >

> > > Why the hate? Why all the hate?

> > >

> > > 20, 30 years later, and I still don't get it.

> > >

> > > Letty

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, it's so interesting to read the responses

" violent and thuggish " , " Crazy "

It's still hard to apply that to my own family, even though I know it's true.

My mom also used to be an excellent teacher, she genuinely helped a lot of kids,

she did things on her own time like teach impoverished single moms how to

stretch their food stamps and make healthy meals. And then she goes and shoves a

kid's head into a concrete wall. And all those things are true about her.

There is kindness and cruelty mixed and mingled in her, and in all my family

members, which is what makes this so difficult.

It is helpful to hear that it's not about me, and I found this idea really

helpful, too:

Those

with Cluster B pds and psychopathy can react with extreme rage and

retaliation/revenge behaviors when they have received a " narcissistic injury " ,

i.e., a bruise to their ego. They want to " get you back " , tit for tat, so to

speak. They even feel entitled to do this.

That definitely rings true to my experience, that when I raised questions or

concerns about their behavior the reaction was always " How DARE you? "

and the attacks back seemed to lose all sight of who I was....

God, this stuff is sad.

Thank Goodness for this board and for people who understand. It was a godsend to

me when I found it four or five years ago, and such a comfort to come back to

when BPD rears it's head again in my life.

xoxo

Letty

> >

> > Hello All-

> >

> > Did you every feel like your BPD relatives hated you for no good reason?

> >

> > My mom once shoved a little girl's head into a concrete wall, simply because

the girl reminded her of me! (she lost her teaching job because of this, which

she maintained was my fault, and another reason to be angry at me!)

> >

> > My BPD bro has sent me a couple hundred pieces of hate mail.

> >

> > My BPD father wouldn't talk to me for years after I tried to point out some

of the abusive behaviors he'd engaged in, hoping we could start some kind of

dialogue. Bro told me Dad's hatred was so intense, he advised me not to come

home " because he still has that shotgun " .

> >

> > Why the hate? Why all the hate?

> >

> > 20, 30 years later, and I still don't get it.

> >

> > Letty

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Always thought since learning about BPD that it was a product of their splitting

people all good or all bad. They do nothing lukewarm. Either with them or

against them. I'll actually joke with my nada about that when she'll get off on

a tangent and say " wow, such extremes in the emotions has got to wear you out!

Bless your heart! " I make it a point of trying to point out that is not how I

operate or how most people do on a normal basis. She's had a few lightbulb

moments but never too much change.

My hubby and I joke when we are irritated with one another " You're trying to

destroy me! " We can joke about things like this for the simple fact we've had so

much d@mn therapy due to my family's constant toxicity. Of course we do NOT

think that way, but that is exactly how people with BPD see relationships for

the simple fact they have lil to no identity...everything is a threat or an

affirmation of their infallibility. No shades of gray...no irritations, no

nonchalantness about someone...it's either 'that person is the best in the whole

wide world' or 'out to destroy me.' I get that as a parent with toddlers. It's

the same emotional development level only I give my kids more precendence in my

life than my FOO.

Don't you somewhat wish you had that power your nada says you have...being to

blame for shoving that girl's face into a wall? I mean you could just wave this

magic wand and have a real mother! Viola! How awesome would that be?!

Shotguns and BPD, isn't that a lovely mix? My BPD/Bi-polar uncle once realized

he loved his dog so much he just couldn't bare to live without him....so of

course, he went outside and shot him with his shotgun. My former aunt, said

uncle's wife at thet time, was so freaked out she called my uncle's older

sister, my dad's younger sister. She has BPD too. Her solution? Of course, show

up with her husband and a shotgun. Drama, drama, drama. And to think, some

people actually wonder why nuclear arms are a threat? Not me. I get crazy

people wanting to blow things up. Geez, just read up on the life of Oppenheimer,

the one who created the atomic bomb I believe, the one who left the world in

constant fear of nuclear war. He was, in all probability, a KO as well. He

wanted to leave the world with as much radiation that he always felt when his

mother would force enemas into him as a child. He lived to regret his

exploitations in science and find a place of healing, but now I get nuclear

war...it starts in the family, right? Burns on the soul, holes in the heart

that not even a shotgun could compare and flood of destruction that makes

Katrina look nice to New Orleans.

>

> Hello All-

>

> Did you every feel like your BPD relatives hated you for no good reason?

>

> My mom once shoved a little girl's head into a concrete wall, simply because

the girl reminded her of me! (she lost her teaching job because of this, which

she maintained was my fault, and another reason to be angry at me!)

>

> My BPD bro has sent me a couple hundred pieces of hate mail.

>

> My BPD father wouldn't talk to me for years after I tried to point out some of

the abusive behaviors he'd engaged in, hoping we could start some kind of

dialogue. Bro told me Dad's hatred was so intense, he advised me not to come

home " because he still has that shotgun " .

>

> Why the hate? Why all the hate?

>

> 20, 30 years later, and I still don't get it.

>

> Letty

>