New member here - nada having surgery tomorrow. Help???

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone!

I'm so glad that I found this group. I've been letting my nada have too much

power over me and I'm trying to determine my next steps.

Here is my story:

I was raised primarily by my dad, as my mother was frequently in and out of

psychiatric establishments. When she wasn't hospitalized and I was on

visitations, she wasn't much of a mother to me and I endured a lot of emotional

abuse at the hands of her and her partner for many years. Mom's official

diagnosis is bipolar with psychotic features, but I am certain that she also has

BPD and Munchausen's. I am now a reasonably well-adjusted, happily married

30-something, thanks to years of therapy. Over the last 15 years she has been

using medical problems to get to me… lots of surgeries and medical issues (many

which seem to mysteriously disappear – when does rheumatoid arthritis simply

vanish?). Since my father died, she's been in my life a little bit more. I think

she saw it as an opportunity to step up and try to act like the mother that she

never was. At times she has been okay, but of course those times are few and far

between. I've rarely felt like calling her to tell her good news/bad

news/anything about my day. I call her weekly (and see her when she begs me) to

fend off accusations of me not caring about/abandoning her.

Now as far as medical problems, the most recent event is a shoulder surgery,

which in her defense she may need. She is exhausting her 401k to have this

surgery and to pay expenses while she's off work (well, she doesn't actually

have a " real " job) recovering. She begged me to come visit her while she is

recuperating and insists that she needs someone to stay with her for the first

week, because she will be too incapacitated to do anything. I didn't learn of

this latest surgery until late last week. I have a brutal schedule (3+ hr daily

commute) and I can't rush to her side at the drop of a hat. I feel guilty for

not wanting to see her, but I feel like if I visit that I will be encouraging

this behavior. For the record, she lives 2 hours away from me (but about 30

minutes from where I work). She tends to go from " you're the best daughter in

the world, I am so proud of you " to " you are the most cold and uncaring person

I've ever met, how could you treat your mother this way. " You know, the usual.

Some days I feel like discontinuing our relationship entirely, but my father

died 6 years ago and she is my only living parent. I don't know if I could live

with the guilt of going no contact. Not yet, anyway.

Her surgery was supposed to be yesterday, but it got postponed to tomorrow. I

found this out by a passive-aggressive voicemail where she said she was ready to

go in, but the anesthesiologist came in and –well— " you're probably not

interested, but the surgery has been rescheduled for Wednesday and will be in a

hospital instead of a surgical center. "

So I haven't spoken/emailed her since last Thursday. I was thinking of calling

her, but I think that an email would be better, so that I don't have to talk to

her. I'm thinking of telling her that I wish I could visit her, but my schedule

just won't allow it and hope that she understands. Also, that she won't be able

to convince me otherwise, so don't try to guilt or manipulate me into coming.

How would you word the email – or should I call her? I don't feel like I'm

mentally strong enough at the moment to deal with her.

Thanks for your help!

[Guest guest]

Sounds like your imprisoned by guilt. I'd examine that. You said you think

your mother decided to step up as a mother when your father died. Did you

consider she contacted you more because she needed someone else to fill in

the void your father left? It wasn't for you but for her? I say this not to

hurt you but to help you see that you're projecting kindness that may not

be there and it may be helping to keep you captive to guilt. Good luck with

this! Acting out of guilt is usually not a good move in my experience but I

don't know your situation in reality.

> **

>

>

> Hi everyone!

>

> I'm so glad that I found this group. I've been letting my nada have too

> much power over me and I'm trying to determine my next steps.

>

> Here is my story:

>

> I was raised primarily by my dad, as my mother was frequently in and out

> of psychiatric establishments. When she wasn't hospitalized and I was on

> visitations, she wasn't much of a mother to me and I endured a lot of

> emotional abuse at the hands of her and her partner for many years. Mom's

> official diagnosis is bipolar with psychotic features, but I am certain

> that she also has BPD and Munchausen's. I am now a reasonably

> well-adjusted, happily married 30-something, thanks to years of therapy.

> Over the last 15 years she has been using medical problems to get to me…

> lots of surgeries and medical issues (many which seem to mysteriously

> disappear – when does rheumatoid arthritis simply vanish?). Since my father

> died, she's been in my life a little bit more. I think she saw it as an

> opportunity to step up and try to act like the mother that she never was.

> At times she has been okay, but of course those times are few and far

> between. I've rarely felt like calling her to tell her good news/bad

> news/anything about my day. I call her weekly (and see her when she begs

> me) to fend off accusations of me not caring about/abandoning her.

>

> Now as far as medical problems, the most recent event is a shoulder

> surgery, which in her defense she may need. She is exhausting her 401k to

> have this surgery and to pay expenses while she's off work (well, she

> doesn't actually have a " real " job) recovering. She begged me to come visit

> her while she is recuperating and insists that she needs someone to stay

> with her for the first week, because she will be too incapacitated to do

> anything. I didn't learn of this latest surgery until late last week. I

> have a brutal schedule (3+ hr daily commute) and I can't rush to her side

> at the drop of a hat. I feel guilty for not wanting to see her, but I feel

> like if I visit that I will be encouraging this behavior. For the record,

> she lives 2 hours away from me (but about 30 minutes from where I work).

> She tends to go from " you're the best daughter in the world, I am so proud

> of you " to " you are the most cold and uncaring person I've ever met, how

> could you treat your mother this way. " You know, the usual.

>

> Some days I feel like discontinuing our relationship entirely, but my

> father died 6 years ago and she is my only living parent. I don't know if I

> could live with the guilt of going no contact. Not yet, anyway.

>

> Her surgery was supposed to be yesterday, but it got postponed to

> tomorrow. I found this out by a passive-aggressive voicemail where she said

> she was ready to go in, but the anesthesiologist came in and –well— " you're

> probably not interested, but the surgery has been rescheduled for Wednesday

> and will be in a hospital instead of a surgical center. "

>

> So I haven't spoken/emailed her since last Thursday. I was thinking of

> calling her, but I think that an email would be better, so that I don't

> have to talk to her. I'm thinking of telling her that I wish I could visit

> her, but my schedule just won't allow it and hope that she understands.

> Also, that she won't be able to convince me otherwise, so don't try to

> guilt or manipulate me into coming.

>

> How would you word the email – or should I call her? I don't feel like I'm

> mentally strong enough at the moment to deal with her.

>

> Thanks for your help!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Releasing ourselves from the misplaced, inappropriate guilt that our pd mother

or father saddled us with, is (I think) the most difficult aspect of being the

adult child of a personality disordered parent.

If this were happening to me, I'd send an e-mail saying something like, " I am

thinking of you and wishing you a safe operation and a quick recovery. I can't

come to see you, though, as I am feeling under the weather myself. I need to

rest and build up my immune system for a while. When you are back home, drop me

a line and let me know how it went. "

So, the tactic is to ignore any part of a communication that is an attempt to

inflict guilt on you. Just do not respond to any of that, as though its written

in a different language that you don't understand. So, instead, write something

brief yet supportive, and leave it at that.

And if the communications from nada become really ugly, accusing you of things

you never said or did, or if she begins threatening harm to herself or others,

then its OK to ignore them entirely. Although, my Sister and I had decided at

one point back a couple of years ago that if our nada made further suicide

threats we would handle that by calling 911 and seeing that nada went in for a

psychiatric evaluation.

I'm getting the impression that some nadas consider any response from their

adult child a " win " , and will say or write literally anything, no matter how

awful and hurtful or threatening, to get you to respond.

But sometimes the only way to " win " this " game " is to refuse to play at all.

Just a suggestion to consider.

-Annie

>

> Hi everyone!

>

> I'm so glad that I found this group. I've been letting my nada have too much

power over me and I'm trying to determine my next steps.

>

> Here is my story:

>

> I was raised primarily by my dad, as my mother was frequently in and out of

psychiatric establishments. When she wasn't hospitalized and I was on

visitations, she wasn't much of a mother to me and I endured a lot of emotional

abuse at the hands of her and her partner for many years. Mom's official

diagnosis is bipolar with psychotic features, but I am certain that she also has

BPD and Munchausen's. I am now a reasonably well-adjusted, happily married

30-something, thanks to years of therapy. Over the last 15 years she has been

using medical problems to get to me… lots of surgeries and medical issues (many

which seem to mysteriously disappear – when does rheumatoid arthritis simply

vanish?). Since my father died, she's been in my life a little bit more. I think

she saw it as an opportunity to step up and try to act like the mother that she

never was. At times she has been okay, but of course those times are few and far

between. I've rarely felt like calling her to tell her good news/bad

news/anything about my day. I call her weekly (and see her when she begs me) to

fend off accusations of me not caring about/abandoning her.

>

> Now as far as medical problems, the most recent event is a shoulder surgery,

which in her defense she may need. She is exhausting her 401k to have this

surgery and to pay expenses while she's off work (well, she doesn't actually

have a " real " job) recovering. She begged me to come visit her while she is

recuperating and insists that she needs someone to stay with her for the first

week, because she will be too incapacitated to do anything. I didn't learn of

this latest surgery until late last week. I have a brutal schedule (3+ hr daily

commute) and I can't rush to her side at the drop of a hat. I feel guilty for

not wanting to see her, but I feel like if I visit that I will be encouraging

this behavior. For the record, she lives 2 hours away from me (but about 30

minutes from where I work). She tends to go from " you're the best daughter in

the world, I am so proud of you " to " you are the most cold and uncaring person

I've ever met, how could you treat your mother this way. " You know, the usual.

>

> Some days I feel like discontinuing our relationship entirely, but my father

died 6 years ago and she is my only living parent. I don't know if I could live

with the guilt of going no contact. Not yet, anyway.

>

> Her surgery was supposed to be yesterday, but it got postponed to tomorrow. I

found this out by a passive-aggressive voicemail where she said she was ready to

go in, but the anesthesiologist came in and –well— " you're probably not

interested, but the surgery has been rescheduled for Wednesday and will be in a

hospital instead of a surgical center. "

>

> So I haven't spoken/emailed her since last Thursday. I was thinking of calling

her, but I think that an email would be better, so that I don't have to talk to

her. I'm thinking of telling her that I wish I could visit her, but my schedule

just won't allow it and hope that she understands. Also, that she won't be able

to convince me otherwise, so don't try to guilt or manipulate me into coming.

>

> How would you word the email – or should I call her? I don't feel like I'm

mentally strong enough at the moment to deal with her.

>

> Thanks for your help!

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for your thoughtful replies everyone. I think someone had mentioned that

my nada was using me more now that my father isn't there for her to abuse. She

and my father split up when I was a toddler; she has always been toxic to me.

Only now she is trying to pretend that she is some perfect mother and that we

have had an idyllic relationship. HA!

She exhausts most of her friendships within a few months because of her

neediness. We all know how charming and manipulative they can be to pull people

in and make friends with them. Her occasional relationships have been with

abusive people, one of whom joined with my nada in wrecking the years from 9-17.

At any rate, she had her surgery on the 11th. She called me the night after her

surgery with excitement, saying that the surgeon told her that the damage wasn't

as bad as he'd thought - that when he got in, that there was no rotator cuff

damage and that her recovery time was going to be far less than the 3-6 months

he'd told her. I was shocked. No doom and gloom? Surely this creature on the

other end of the phone could not be my nada. The next day of course was a

different story – her arthritis was so bad that they had to do a lot of

reconstruction, she couldn't sleep, was nauseas, etc etc. The day after that,

she'd gotten sleep and was doing much better. Then the next phone call I got

from her was to inform me that the day after her surgery, she'd become hypoxic

and was nearly in respiratory arrest. The alarms were going off and no one came

in to help her for 35 minutes. She'd tried calling the nurse, the nurse's

station, the nursing assistant, and a whole host of other people. Now tell me

how you can make all of those phone calls if you can hardly breathe? She went

on and on about the whole woe is me bit, with me challenging her every time she

made a ridiculous claim. That got me nowhere and further incensed her.

" Daughter, this is SERIOUS, I could have DIED! And you could have SUED the

hospital!! " I also think that she was angry that I was at a gathering of

friends and that I was having fun instead of sitting vigil at her bedside. She

kept insisting that she needed help bathing and putting ice on her shoulder.

The irony is that she works as an occupational therapist and as part of her job,

she helps people with disabilities like her own learn to adapt. I finally

managed to find a way out of the conversation and got off the phone with her.

So after that phone call, I decided not to call her to check in until she called

me.

Well she did, last night and left me a voicemail. The message: " Hi Daughter,

it is your mother. I *DESPERATELY* need your help. And I need it before

February 11th (the date I told her was the earliest I could visit). I don't

have enough friends to help me, I have no income, only money going out. I've

already paid a health care aid $300. I need you to come over, if only for a few

hours on the weekend. "

Me coming over for what she says is " a few hours " amounts to an entire day for

me, since she lives 2 hours away.

I'm going on a weeklong cruise that leaves on the 29th. I think she is hoping

that I will cancel it and rush to her side, being the dutiful daughter that I

am. Umm, no. I'm sticking by my original date of February 11th.

I'm debating whether I should send her an email telling her no or if I should

face my fears and call her.

> >

> > Hi everyone!

> >

> > I'm so glad that I found this group. I've been letting my nada have too much

power over me and I'm trying to determine my next steps.

> >

> > Here is my story:

> >

> > I was raised primarily by my dad, as my mother was frequently in and out of

psychiatric establishments. When she wasn't hospitalized and I was on

visitations, she wasn't much of a mother to me and I endured a lot of emotional

abuse at the hands of her and her partner for many years. Mom's official

diagnosis is bipolar with psychotic features, but I am certain that she also has

BPD and Munchausen's. I am now a reasonably well-adjusted, happily married

30-something, thanks to years of therapy. Over the last 15 years she has been

using medical problems to get to me… lots of surgeries and medical issues (many

which seem to mysteriously disappear – when does rheumatoid arthritis simply

vanish?). Since my father died, she's been in my life a little bit more. I think

she saw it as an opportunity to step up and try to act like the mother that she

never was. At times she has been okay, but of course those times are few and far

between. I've rarely felt like calling her to tell her good news/bad

news/anything about my day. I call her weekly (and see her when she begs me) to

fend off accusations of me not caring about/abandoning her.

> >

> > Now as far as medical problems, the most recent event is a shoulder surgery,

which in her defense she may need. She is exhausting her 401k to have this

surgery and to pay expenses while she's off work (well, she doesn't actually

have a " real " job) recovering. She begged me to come visit her while she is

recuperating and insists that she needs someone to stay with her for the first

week, because she will be too incapacitated to do anything. I didn't learn of

this latest surgery until late last week. I have a brutal schedule (3+ hr daily

commute) and I can't rush to her side at the drop of a hat. I feel guilty for

not wanting to see her, but I feel like if I visit that I will be encouraging

this behavior. For the record, she lives 2 hours away from me (but about 30

minutes from where I work). She tends to go from " you're the best daughter in

the world, I am so proud of you " to " you are the most cold and uncaring person

I've ever met, how could you treat your mother this way. " You know, the usual.

> >

> > Some days I feel like discontinuing our relationship entirely, but my father

died 6 years ago and she is my only living parent. I don't know if I could live

with the guilt of going no contact. Not yet, anyway.

> >

> > Her surgery was supposed to be yesterday, but it got postponed to tomorrow.

I found this out by a passive-aggressive voicemail where she said she was ready

to go in, but the anesthesiologist came in and –well— " you're probably not

interested, but the surgery has been rescheduled for Wednesday and will be in a

hospital instead of a surgical center. "

> >

> > So I haven't spoken/emailed her since last Thursday. I was thinking of

calling her, but I think that an email would be better, so that I don't have to

talk to her. I'm thinking of telling her that I wish I could visit her, but my

schedule just won't allow it and hope that she understands. Also, that she won't

be able to convince me otherwise, so don't try to guilt or manipulate me into

coming.

> >

> > How would you word the email – or should I call her? I don't feel like I'm

mentally strong enough at the moment to deal with her.

> >

> > Thanks for your help!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi - based on what you've written, and filtering it through the lens of my own

experience with my BPD mom (who has used her illnesses and medical treatments to

manipulate me for decades) - I would like to suggest a pro-active approach.

When she says she needs your help due to a medical condition, ask her for the

name of her doctor. Then put in a call (or, if you're in the hospital when the

doctor comes around, walk out into the hall as the doc leaves so you can get a

private word). Make sure that the doctors and nurses know your mother has a

personality disorder and that, while you are willing to be there if it's a

medical emergency, you will need to verify details about her condition with

THEM. Do not believe a single word your mother tells you without verifying it.

I bet the medical professionals will understand completely. My mom's doctors,

nurses, and psychiatrists sure did. There's a limit to what they can tell you

due to privacy protection, but if you tell them what your mother has told you,

and ask if it's accurate and if you should speed to her bedside, they can

probably find a way to tell you whether it's OK for you to stay home, or whether

it's a real emergency.

If your mom learns that medical procedures are the way to get your attention,

she'll use them over and over. That's a pretty expensive way to get you to

notice her!