First post

July 10, 2011

Hi. I guess the fact that I'm posting means that there is another NADA out

there. I have been reading the posts for a while but have somehow been stuck in

the " it's all my fault " bubble. nada can be so charming and sweet and then her

mood can turn ugly in a nanosecond. This craziness has been going on for as

long as I can remember. My dad divorced her about six months ago and yet all she

sees is how he " left her " . She hates him and wants him back. I got sucked into

the mess by becoming nadas suppot. I guess I spent what must have been 100 plus

hours listening thinking that she would see that I cared and things would be

different. Somehow we ended up putting my house on the market and moving in to "

help " her after nada got me to believe that none of the neighbors liked me. Now

that I'm sorting out suff I wonder what other " truths " I believe because of her.

Everything seems like a power struggle with her. Her version of the truth is

often different from fact and yet for so many years I have trusted her truth

over what I know to be fact. How could I have been clueless so many years and

why is it that I don't want to believe these things about her even now. All that

I know is that she seems to suck my soul and that she demands attention 24-7. I

have somehow let go of my friends, wishes and happiness in my quest to make her

happy/love me. Where does one start...how does one start to heal...how does one

not get sucked into the emotions and drama?

Thanks,Michele

July 10, 2011

Welcome to the Group Dawn.

Yes, the behaviors you describe do sound like your mother/ " nada " could very well

have a personality disorder, or several traits of bpd, in my opinion. And you

do seem to have succumbed to the Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (FOG) that those

with borderline pd use to manipulate their children. You have accepted the role

of your nada's mother and care-giver, and as you are discovering its not healthy

for either of you.

Knowledge is power, and its empowering. The more you can get yourself educated

about the Cluster B personality disorders, and the more you can learn about how

to set and maintain reasonable adult boundaries, the quicker you can learn to

divest yourself of the inappropriate, misplaced feelings of responsibility and

guilt you are carrying.

There is a recommended reading list at the home site for this support Group, at

bpdcentral.com. I highly recommend " Understanding The Borderline Mother " and

Randi Kreger's books, such as " Stop Walking On Eggshells " . " Surviving A

Borderline Parent " and " Co-dependent No More " get recommended often, here.

The bottom line is that you need to accept that you did not cause your mother to

have this disorder, and you can't cure her. Becoming her parent is not healthy

or productive for either of you. All you have the power to do is to determine

how you, yourself, will respond to her behaviors. You do not have the power to

change her.

Change in the form of a more healthy separateness, independence and detachment

within the relationship is going to be even more difficult than normal for you

to achieve because you are living with your mother. Its just something to keep

in mind.

Do you have access to a therapist in your area who is familiar with personality

disorder and treating the adult children of those with pds? Therapists who have

experience treating the adult children of alcoholics or drug abusers can be of

help also, as the abuse inflicted is similar. My suggestion is to start reading

up about personality disorders and seek out a therapist who is familiar with pds

as a start on dealing with your own situation. You can ask your general

practitioner, your regular doctor, to recommend some therapists in your area who

have experience treating the adult children of personality disordered parents.

You've found a group that understands what you're going through.

-Annie

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> Hi. I guess the fact that I'm posting means that there is another NADA out