Guest guest Posted January 12, 2012 Report Share Posted January 12, 2012 I have come to realize a lot of things in last few months. many unpleasant ones. I had never characterized my nadas behavior as abuse before. but if the shoe fits... I have learned that she does not see, think or feel the world in a sane way. I have long suspected it in my gut, but now I am sure. she also does not know me at all which is a bit of a shock to me still. she is very ready to claim that we are " so close " another thing I have realized is that I am a HUGE magnet for mentally ill people,. how I avoided marrying one is beyond me (divine intervention?) I have been the whipping boy for so many people. many of them authority figures. I have also realized that I have always believed that there was something revolting about me that brought on this treatment. after all I was the common denominator. I used to pray daily for a new personality as a teenager. I tried to be acceptable. now I realize that I was groomed to be a submissive victim. I was taught to respect and trust authority absolutely. I was also gaslighted to the point that I believed whenever I was hurt that I had " imagined it " and questioned my reality more often than not. I am done doing that. I am also realizing that I am resilient. I used to use that resiliency to take repeated abuse from just about everybody, and comeback cheerfully for more. but It is a strength too. I am able to see that music which is very important to me is bigger than nada, who never has believed in me, but takes the glory all the same, and bigger than the people who made my life Hell for years in school choir, community theater, and competitions. I have had a few random people tell me lately that they are impressed that I stuck with it all these years. and these people usually did not know about half of what I went through. I have been able to trust God in spite of bullies an hypocrites at church, and in youth groups. not to mention a hypocritical, self righteousness mother. I have faith. faith in people because not everyone is a jerk. sometimes I am too trusting, but often I have been rewarded for it. sometimes I am not trusting enough (like with my husband) and people surprise me with their kindness. and in the end being misunderstood, abused, and kicked down has made me kinder person. I think that is something. I know we are all here to vent, but what has dealing with all this crap given to you? Meikjn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 12, 2012 Report Share Posted January 12, 2012 Love this! There is a positive side to it. I am very sensitive and I can identify liars and creeps very quickly. I wonder if I could if I had had decent parents. Being through fire makes a person strong in a way but admittedly weak in others. > ** > > > I have come to realize a lot of things in last few months. > > many unpleasant ones. I had never characterized my nadas behavior as abuse > before. but if the shoe fits... > > I have learned that she does not see, think or feel the world in a sane > way. I have long suspected it in my gut, but now I am sure. she also does > not know me at all which is a bit of a shock to me still. she is very ready > to claim that we are " so close " > > another thing I have realized is that I am a HUGE magnet for mentally ill > people,. how I avoided marrying one is beyond me (divine intervention?) I > have been the whipping boy for so many people. many of them authority > figures. > > I have also realized that I have always believed that there was something > revolting about me that brought on this treatment. after all I was the > common denominator. I used to pray daily for a new personality as a > teenager. I tried to be acceptable. > > now I realize that I was groomed to be a submissive victim. I was taught > to respect and trust authority absolutely. I was also gaslighted to the > point that I believed whenever I was hurt that I had " imagined it " and > questioned my reality more often than not. > > I am done doing that. > > I am also realizing that I am resilient. I used to use that resiliency to > take repeated abuse from just about everybody, and comeback cheerfully for > more. > > but It is a strength too. > > I am able to see that music which is very important to me is bigger than > nada, who never has believed in me, but takes the glory all the same, and > bigger than the people who made my life Hell for years in school choir, > community theater, and competitions. > > I have had a few random people tell me lately that they are impressed that > I stuck with it all these years. and these people usually did not know > about half of what I went through. > > I have been able to trust God in spite of bullies an hypocrites at church, > and in youth groups. not to mention a hypocritical, self righteousness > mother. > > I have faith. > > faith in people because not everyone is a jerk. > > sometimes I am too trusting, but often I have been rewarded for it. > > sometimes I am not trusting enough (like with my husband) and people > surprise me with their kindness. > > and in the end being misunderstood, abused, and kicked down has made me > kinder person. > > I think that is something. > > I know we are all here to vent, but what has dealing with all this crap > given to you? > > Meikjn > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 12, 2012 Report Share Posted January 12, 2012 While my husband was in the hospital things happened really fast. When they told me my husband was terminal a CNA saw me walking blindly back down the hall to go find my husband, who was out with his brother taking a walk. She stopped me cause she could see I was distraught. I started hyperventilating almost I was sooo upset. I just looked and her and told her I should probably go back to his room and sit down. She went there with me and sat with me while I fell apart. It was like everything else during that time. I had to process things SOO fast and figure out the next step. This was essentially about day ten of the twenty days from the time he went to the ER to the day he died. I got done falling apart and collected myself and looked at the CNA, who was not quite sure how I moved thru all this so fast and told her... " I never thought I would ever have a reason to say I am grateful for being raised by a Borderline personality disordered mother, but I think I learned how to put rapid cycling to a healthy use " I just let everything out as soon as I possibly could. I cried and sometimes screamed and just didn't let things build up too much. I recognized when things triggered me to be upset, like not knowing how to do an emergency shut down on the iPhone when the stupid thing froze up. I feel like that is the difference between me and nada. Nada would have gotten offended and lashed out at the young man that asked me how long it had been since the phone had been backed up. she would have thought he was judging her for not knowing. I got upset and knew it was because my husband was the last person to back it up and that I didn't even know I was supposed to do this or how to trouble shoot any of the other high tech mac toys in my house because my husband always took care of all that stuff. (when he asked me about backing up the phone, I told him that I didn't know, that my husband had died and he had done all of that for me and started to cry) I got upset because it was a way in which I would miss his presence in my life, that he took care of all the tech gadgets and now I was going to have to do that myself I just looked at the young man and thanked him for his help and for being so kind and fled to my car to fall apart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2012 Report Share Posted January 13, 2012 I'm hearing you Meikjn. I think many of the reasons I am stable away from the FOO is because they forced me to grow up so fast and be independent at such a young age. It hurt and I'm only just unraveling the lies and half truths which is on one hand painful and on the other a freeing revelation. We can't choose the hand we are dealt but we can choose what to do with the lessons we have learned in the process and we can break the cycle of abuse. Stay strong, your words bring hope. LT > > I have come to realize a lot of things in last few months. > > many unpleasant ones. I had never characterized my nadas behavior as abuse before. but if the shoe fits... > > I have learned that she does not see, think or feel the world in a sane way. I have long suspected it in my gut, but now I am sure. she also does not know me at all which is a bit of a shock to me still. she is very ready to claim that we are " so close " > > another thing I have realized is that I am a HUGE magnet for mentally ill people,. how I avoided marrying one is beyond me (divine intervention?) I have been the whipping boy for so many people. many of them authority figures. > > > I have also realized that I have always believed that there was something revolting about me that brought on this treatment. after all I was the common denominator. I used to pray daily for a new personality as a teenager. I tried to be acceptable. > > > now I realize that I was groomed to be a submissive victim. I was taught to respect and trust authority absolutely. I was also gaslighted to the point that I believed whenever I was hurt that I had " imagined it " and questioned my reality more often than not. > > I am done doing that. > > I am also realizing that I am resilient. I used to use that resiliency to take repeated abuse from just about everybody, and comeback cheerfully for more. > > but It is a strength too. > > I am able to see that music which is very important to me is bigger than nada, who never has believed in me, but takes the glory all the same, and bigger than the people who made my life Hell for years in school choir, community theater, and competitions. > > I have had a few random people tell me lately that they are impressed that I stuck with it all these years. and these people usually did not know about half of what I went through. > > I have been able to trust God in spite of bullies an hypocrites at church, and in youth groups. not to mention a hypocritical, self righteousness mother. > > I have faith. > > faith in people because not everyone is a jerk. > > sometimes I am too trusting, but often I have been rewarded for it. > > sometimes I am not trusting enough (like with my husband) and people surprise me with their kindness. > > and in the end being misunderstood, abused, and kicked down has made me kinder person. > > I think that is something. > > I know we are all here to vent, but what has dealing with all this crap given to you? > > Meikjn > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2012 Report Share Posted January 13, 2012 (((((CmeBfree))))) I just wanted to give you a hug. -Annie > > While my husband was in the hospital things happened really fast. When they told me my husband was terminal a CNA saw me walking blindly back down the hall to go find my husband, who was out with his brother taking a walk. She stopped me cause she could see I was distraught. I started hyperventilating almost I was sooo upset. I just looked and her and told her I should probably go back to his room and sit down. She went there with me and sat with me while I fell apart. It was like everything else during that time. I had to process things SOO fast and figure out the next step. This was essentially about day ten of the twenty days from the time he went to the ER to the day he died. > > I got done falling apart and collected myself and looked at the CNA, who was not quite sure how I moved thru all this so fast and told her... " I never thought I would ever have a reason to say I am grateful for being raised by a Borderline personality disordered mother, but I think I learned how to put rapid cycling to a healthy use " > > I just let everything out as soon as I possibly could. I cried and sometimes screamed and just didn't let things build up too much. I recognized when things triggered me to be upset, like not knowing how to do an emergency shut down on the iPhone when the stupid thing froze up. > > I feel like that is the difference between me and nada. Nada would have gotten offended and lashed out at the young man that asked me how long it had been since the phone had been backed up. she would have thought he was judging her for not knowing. I got upset and knew it was because my husband was the last person to back it up and that I didn't even know I was supposed to do this or how to trouble shoot any of the other high tech mac toys in my house because my husband always took care of all that stuff. (when he asked me about backing up the phone, I told him that I didn't know, that my husband had died and he had done all of that for me and started to cry) I got upset because it was a way in which I would miss his presence in my life, that he took care of all the tech gadgets and now I was going to have to do that myself I just looked at the young man and thanked him for his help and for being so kind and fled to my car to fall apart. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2012 Report Share Posted January 13, 2012 Well, Annie, that just made me want to give you a hug. That is a very sweet and forthcoming thing to say for a self-declared avoidant soul. I know, I know, it is a virtual hug, but still....... Sorry, I am compelled to point out exceptions....... HC > > > > While my husband was in the hospital things happened really fast. When they told me my husband was terminal a CNA saw me walking blindly back down the hall to go find my husband, who was out with his brother taking a walk. She stopped me cause she could see I was distraught. I started hyperventilating almost I was sooo upset. I just looked and her and told her I should probably go back to his room and sit down. She went there with me and sat with me while I fell apart. It was like everything else during that time. I had to process things SOO fast and figure out the next step. This was essentially about day ten of the twenty days from the time he went to the ER to the day he died. > > > > I got done falling apart and collected myself and looked at the CNA, who was not quite sure how I moved thru all this so fast and told her... " I never thought I would ever have a reason to say I am grateful for being raised by a Borderline personality disordered mother, but I think I learned how to put rapid cycling to a healthy use " > > > > I just let everything out as soon as I possibly could. I cried and sometimes screamed and just didn't let things build up too much. I recognized when things triggered me to be upset, like not knowing how to do an emergency shut down on the iPhone when the stupid thing froze up. > > > > I feel like that is the difference between me and nada. Nada would have gotten offended and lashed out at the young man that asked me how long it had been since the phone had been backed up. she would have thought he was judging her for not knowing. I got upset and knew it was because my husband was the last person to back it up and that I didn't even know I was supposed to do this or how to trouble shoot any of the other high tech mac toys in my house because my husband always took care of all that stuff. (when he asked me about backing up the phone, I told him that I didn't know, that my husband had died and he had done all of that for me and started to cry) I got upset because it was a way in which I would miss his presence in my life, that he took care of all the tech gadgets and now I was going to have to do that myself I just looked at the young man and thanked him for his help and for being so kind and fled to my car to fall apart. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2012 Report Share Posted January 13, 2012 Thanks Annie. > > > > While my husband was in the hospital things happened really fast. When they told me my husband was terminal a CNA saw me walking blindly back down the hall to go find my husband, who was out with his brother taking a walk. She stopped me cause she could see I was distraught. I started hyperventilating almost I was sooo upset. I just looked and her and told her I should probably go back to his room and sit down. She went there with me and sat with me while I fell apart. It was like everything else during that time. I had to process things SOO fast and figure out the next step. This was essentially about day ten of the twenty days from the time he went to the ER to the day he died. > > > > I got done falling apart and collected myself and looked at the CNA, who was not quite sure how I moved thru all this so fast and told her... " I never thought I would ever have a reason to say I am grateful for being raised by a Borderline personality disordered mother, but I think I learned how to put rapid cycling to a healthy use " > > > > I just let everything out as soon as I possibly could. I cried and sometimes screamed and just didn't let things build up too much. I recognized when things triggered me to be upset, like not knowing how to do an emergency shut down on the iPhone when the stupid thing froze up. > > > > I feel like that is the difference between me and nada. Nada would have gotten offended and lashed out at the young man that asked me how long it had been since the phone had been backed up. she would have thought he was judging her for not knowing. I got upset and knew it was because my husband was the last person to back it up and that I didn't even know I was supposed to do this or how to trouble shoot any of the other high tech mac toys in my house because my husband always took care of all that stuff. (when he asked me about backing up the phone, I told him that I didn't know, that my husband had died and he had done all of that for me and started to cry) I got upset because it was a way in which I would miss his presence in my life, that he took care of all the tech gadgets and now I was going to have to do that myself I just looked at the young man and thanked him for his help and for being so kind and fled to my car to fall apart. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2012 Report Share Posted January 13, 2012 That was so kind of you, thank you! -Annie > > > > > > While my husband was in the hospital things happened really fast. When they told me my husband was terminal a CNA saw me walking blindly back down the hall to go find my husband, who was out with his brother taking a walk. She stopped me cause she could see I was distraught. I started hyperventilating almost I was sooo upset. I just looked and her and told her I should probably go back to his room and sit down. She went there with me and sat with me while I fell apart. It was like everything else during that time. I had to process things SOO fast and figure out the next step. This was essentially about day ten of the twenty days from the time he went to the ER to the day he died. > > > > > > I got done falling apart and collected myself and looked at the CNA, who was not quite sure how I moved thru all this so fast and told her... " I never thought I would ever have a reason to say I am grateful for being raised by a Borderline personality disordered mother, but I think I learned how to put rapid cycling to a healthy use " > > > > > > I just let everything out as soon as I possibly could. I cried and sometimes screamed and just didn't let things build up too much. I recognized when things triggered me to be upset, like not knowing how to do an emergency shut down on the iPhone when the stupid thing froze up. > > > > > > I feel like that is the difference between me and nada. Nada would have gotten offended and lashed out at the young man that asked me how long it had been since the phone had been backed up. she would have thought he was judging her for not knowing. I got upset and knew it was because my husband was the last person to back it up and that I didn't even know I was supposed to do this or how to trouble shoot any of the other high tech mac toys in my house because my husband always took care of all that stuff. (when he asked me about backing up the phone, I told him that I didn't know, that my husband had died and he had done all of that for me and started to cry) I got upset because it was a way in which I would miss his presence in my life, that he took care of all the tech gadgets and now I was going to have to do that myself I just looked at the young man and thanked him for his help and for being so kind and fled to my car to fall apart. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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