Guest guest Posted July 11, 2011 Report Share Posted July 11, 2011 It's nearly 4:00 in the AM here and the BP/NP husband has been raging (off and on) since about 7:30. Holding my own and holding my cool, but good vibes are welcome! All this b/c I went to visit some PERSONAL friends out of town from about 2:00 Saturday til 7:30 Sunday. A married couple I've known since college. Am I wrong to visit my own friends? Am I wrong to think it's okay for him to have his own friends that I am not close to? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 11, 2011 Report Share Posted July 11, 2011 > > It's nearly 4:00 in the AM here and the BP/NP husband has been raging (off and on) since about 7:30. Holding my own and holding my cool, but good vibes are welcome! All this b/c I went to visit some PERSONAL friends out of town from about 2:00 Saturday til 7:30 Sunday. A married couple I've known since college. Am I wrong to visit my own friends? Am I wrong to think it's okay for him to have his own friends that I am not close to? > No, it's not wrong for you to have your own friends. In a normal marriage, spouses will communicate about their plans and overnight trips ahead of time. I think my spouse deserves to know where I'm planning to be and when I plan to come back, and I expect him to communicate with me about his plans, too. But I wouldn't think he should be able to control whom I can or cannot see or when. I'm assuming you talked about your plans with your H ahead of time. If so, I see no healthy reason for him to be mad about it now. On the other hand, if you just up and left and didn't discuss your plans to stay overnight, then I think some anger would be justifiable in that situation. Still, healthy anger isn't raging for hours. I'm concerned for you. Do you have somewhere safe you can stay the next time he acts that way? Do you have a T you can talk to? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 11, 2011 Report Share Posted July 11, 2011 I agree on all counts: Its normal and OK for a married couple to each have some friends that they spend time with separately from their spouse. Its normal and OK to work out your social arrangements ahead of time with your spouse out of courtesy and consideration, so your spouse knows where your are and with whom so they can reach you if there is some need to. It is NOT NORMAL AND NOT OK for anyone to scream and rage at you whether the rager is your spouse, your parent, your child, your sib. It is alarming and a big red flag of danger that the raging and screaming would go on for hours. If that were happening to me I'd leave the house the minute it became clear that the rager was not rational enough to hear me or unable to calm himself or herself down. Just leave. Its just too likely that someone in that level of irrational rage will work himself or herself into a physical attack on you. There are WTO Support Groups specifically for those in a chosen relationship with a person with bpd, in three separate categories, I believe: a group for those who are choosing to stay married to their bpd spouse, a group for those who are undecided about whether to stay in the marriage or not, and a group for those who are deciding to separate or divorce their bpd spouse. You will probably be able to get more responses from others who are married to someone with bpd at one of those support Groups, as this one is mostly about un-chosen relationships: managing parents and sibs with bpd. Best of luck to you, -Annie > > > > It's nearly 4:00 in the AM here and the BP/NP husband has been raging (off and on) since about 7:30. Holding my own and holding my cool, but good vibes are welcome! All this b/c I went to visit some PERSONAL friends out of town from about 2:00 Saturday til 7:30 Sunday. A married couple I've known since college. Am I wrong to visit my own friends? Am I wrong to think it's okay for him to have his own friends that I am not close to? > > > > No, it's not wrong for you to have your own friends. In a normal marriage, spouses will communicate about their plans and overnight trips ahead of time. I think my spouse deserves to know where I'm planning to be and when I plan to come back, and I expect him to communicate with me about his plans, too. But I wouldn't think he should be able to control whom I can or cannot see or when. > > I'm assuming you talked about your plans with your H ahead of time. If so, I see no healthy reason for him to be mad about it now. On the other hand, if you just up and left and didn't discuss your plans to stay overnight, then I think some anger would be justifiable in that situation. > > Still, healthy anger isn't raging for hours. I'm concerned for you. Do you have somewhere safe you can stay the next time he acts that way? Do you have a T you can talk to? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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