Guest guest Posted January 13, 2012 Report Share Posted January 13, 2012 Hello to everyone and I like to say I am so grsteful that I have found this group. I am in a terrible situation. I have found out that my mum may be suffering from BPD. I found out this from my sister's therapist and my head is spinning with the bewilderment. In order to find some answers, I bought " Stop Walking on Eggshells " . What I have read describes my mum's and my own behaviour perfectly. I found this group from the book and I am glad I bought it. My mum has been abusing me pretty much all my life. She would explode into a rage at the drop of a hat, and at the most insignificant of things. And she has been only getting worse. She doesn't want me to have any friends and she hates me talking to the rest of the family. She tried all my childhood life to stop communication between me and the rest of my relatives, even hiding me from them at times. She just wanted me all to herself. If I did not comply to her needs, she would yell and scream, accuse me I was behaving that way just to hurt her. She would tell me that I don't love her and she would cut me down so low, that I believed I was a monster out to hurt and destroy her. When I tried to walk away, she would beg me to come back or even resort to threats of suicide. There was no way out for me. I felt like a slave to mum's emotions and I constantly feared every time I walked through the door she would explode at me for something I did to hurt her. She had complete control of every aspect of my life. I wasn't allowed to have my own life. Then she started threatening to harm me and that was when I had enough. I left home when she was out one day. I know its sounds terrible to leave your mum that way but I felt like I had no choice. I just wanted to escape from the constant abuse, fear and torment. I have since found out from the family that my case is not the first. My sister went through the same ordeal with similar concequences. The rest of the family have put up with mum's abuse for almost 5 decades. They have all diferent opinions about mum's mental illness and I find it frustrating that they don't want to be part of yet another saga. I have had to give up uni because of my dire situation and I am scared stiff of my mum. I have not seen her since the day I left, because I'm too terrified as to how she'll react to me. I feel like such a coward. But since I have been reading this book, I now feel ashamed of what I have done. I feel like a failure and that no one will ever love me because of what I have done. I just don't know what to do any more. To make things worse, I myself exibit some of the signs of BPD in their early stages. I don't know who I am anymore. I now have to find the real me and that isn't easy after years of mum saying that I am a monster. Please is there anyone who can help me? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2012 Report Share Posted January 13, 2012 I am so self critical. It has improved for me in the last few years because I am surrounded by people who consistently tell me I am worthwhile, but I have some deeply ingrained and terrible beliefs about myself. I am working with a therapist on retraining myself to not be self critical, and seeing myself differently it is rewarding and empowering. if you realize you have a problem the battle is already half won. my life is in part history repeating itself too. I have not discussed BPD with most of my FOO(family of origin). just the ones I felt would support me. you need validation. but sometimes foo's can't give it. you are allowed to have feelings, but resist the need to explain them (this is something I am struggling with too) tred softly the abuse people in nada's wake have suffered is scary, and hard for others to relive and talk about too. sounds like you need boundaries. me too. my nada will likely plow through a boundary I have tried to set when she calls tomorrow. they do that. I am planning to hang up. we will see if I am as tough in action as theory. I am working on deciding what specific behaviors I will not tolerate any more, how to present the boundary and what the consequences will be. then how I will deal with the backlash. that is the hard part. " Stop Walking on Eggshells " (swoe) has good advice. hang in there. vent often this is a great group. I am right there with you. Meikjn > > Hello to everyone and I like to say I am so grsteful that I have found this group. I am in a terrible situation. I have found out that my mum may be suffering from BPD. I found out this from my sister's therapist and my head is spinning with the bewilderment. In order to find some answers, I bought " Stop Walking on Eggshells " . What I have read describes my mum's and my own behaviour perfectly. I found this group from the book and I am glad I bought it. > > My mum has been abusing me pretty much all my life. She would explode into a rage at the drop of a hat, and at the most insignificant of things. And she has been only getting worse. She doesn't want me to have any friends and she hates me talking to the rest of the family. She tried all my childhood life to stop communication between me and the rest of my relatives, even hiding me from them at times. She just wanted me all to herself. If I did not comply to her needs, she would yell and scream, accuse me I was behaving that way just to hurt her. She would tell me that I don't love her and she would cut me down so low, that I believed I was a monster out to hurt and destroy her. When I tried to walk away, she would beg me to come back or even resort to threats of suicide. > > There was no way out for me. I felt like a slave to mum's emotions and I constantly feared every time I walked through the door she would explode at me for something I did to hurt her. She had complete control of every aspect of my life. I wasn't allowed to have my own life. Then she started threatening to harm me and that was when I had enough. I left home when she was out one day. I know its sounds terrible to leave your mum that way but I felt like I had no choice. I just wanted to escape from the constant abuse, fear and torment. > > I have since found out from the family that my case is not the first. My sister went through the same ordeal with similar concequences. The rest of the family have put up with mum's abuse for almost 5 decades. They have all diferent opinions about mum's mental illness and I find it frustrating that they don't want to be part of yet another saga. I have had to give up uni because of my dire situation and I am scared stiff of my mum. I have not seen her since the day I left, because I'm too terrified as to how she'll react to me. I feel like such a coward. > > But since I have been reading this book, I now feel ashamed of what I have done. I feel like a failure and that no one will ever love me because of what I have done. I just don't know what to do any more. To make things worse, I myself exibit some of the signs of BPD in their early stages. I don't know who I am anymore. I now have to find the real me and that isn't easy after years of mum saying that I am a monster. Please is there anyone who can help me? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2012 Report Share Posted January 13, 2012 Welcome to the Group. You've found a bunch of other people who have experienced similar kinds of distressing, abusive behavior from our parents. That's good that you have started educating yourself about borderline personality disorder, that's one way to start realizing that your mother was in all probability mentally ill before you were born, so there is nothing for you to feel guilty about RE protecting yourself from further abuse. RE wondering about your own behaviors: the fact that you already have insight about some of your own behaviors (you find some of your behaviors distressing) means that its not very likely that you have bpd. Those with personality disorder usually aren't capable of introspection and personal insight, and can't or won't accept any responsibility for how their behaviors negatively impact others. Those with pds don't seem to worry very much about how other people feel; they are too focused on their own needs and feelings. If you have access to a therapist who is familiar with treating the adult children of personality disordered parents, I would encourage you to take advantage of that opportunity. From my point of view, its really difficult to overcome conditioning /programming /brainwashing that started at birth, drilled into you (and most of us here) that somehow it is your responsibility to take care of your mother's feelings and/or needs. But the reality is that you were the child, and the child is NOT responsible for being her mommy's mother, or rescuer, therapist, best friend, substitute spouse or nanny. Its actually very, very abusive for a parent to saddle her own offspring with those expectations. Its backwards. Its unnatural. Its mentally ill to do that to a child. So, anyway. It takes time to process all this stuff, and it takes time to begin to step back emotionally from your earlier perspective on things: that being a child's perspective. As our communal " big brother " here, Doug, reminds us often: be gentle with yourself. You have done nothing wrong, nothing to feel guilty about. Children are supposed to grow up, leave their parents' home and take flight, leading their own joyful, productive, self-reliant adult lives. I hope you can receive some virtual emotional support, validation, peace, and healing from this Group; I sure have. They're a wonderful bunch of people. -Annie > > Hello to everyone and I like to say I am so grsteful that I have found this group. I am in a terrible situation. I have found out that my mum may be suffering from BPD. I found out this from my sister's therapist and my head is spinning with the bewilderment. In order to find some answers, I bought " Stop Walking on Eggshells " . What I have read describes my mum's and my own behaviour perfectly. I found this group from the book and I am glad I bought it. > > My mum has been abusing me pretty much all my life. She would explode into a rage at the drop of a hat, and at the most insignificant of things. And she has been only getting worse. She doesn't want me to have any friends and she hates me talking to the rest of the family. She tried all my childhood life to stop communication between me and the rest of my relatives, even hiding me from them at times. She just wanted me all to herself. If I did not comply to her needs, she would yell and scream, accuse me I was behaving that way just to hurt her. She would tell me that I don't love her and she would cut me down so low, that I believed I was a monster out to hurt and destroy her. When I tried to walk away, she would beg me to come back or even resort to threats of suicide. > > There was no way out for me. I felt like a slave to mum's emotions and I constantly feared every time I walked through the door she would explode at me for something I did to hurt her. She had complete control of every aspect of my life. I wasn't allowed to have my own life. Then she started threatening to harm me and that was when I had enough. I left home when she was out one day. I know its sounds terrible to leave your mum that way but I felt like I had no choice. I just wanted to escape from the constant abuse, fear and torment. > > I have since found out from the family that my case is not the first. My sister went through the same ordeal with similar concequences. The rest of the family have put up with mum's abuse for almost 5 decades. They have all diferent opinions about mum's mental illness and I find it frustrating that they don't want to be part of yet another saga. I have had to give up uni because of my dire situation and I am scared stiff of my mum. I have not seen her since the day I left, because I'm too terrified as to how she'll react to me. I feel like such a coward. > > But since I have been reading this book, I now feel ashamed of what I have done. I feel like a failure and that no one will ever love me because of what I have done. I just don't know what to do any more. To make things worse, I myself exibit some of the signs of BPD in their early stages. I don't know who I am anymore. I now have to find the real me and that isn't easy after years of mum saying that I am a monster. Please is there anyone who can help me? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 14, 2012 Report Share Posted January 14, 2012 Hi and I feel like I can so relate to your anxiety, self doubt and fears, both of you. First of all know that although you feel scared and alone now, you are not bad people, nor are you alone. Many of us, unfortunately, are in the same boat. I agree that Walking on Eggshells is an excellent resource, and I also highly recommend you both read a book by Dr. Black called " Changing Course - Recovering from Abandonment and Loss " . It directly addresses setting boundries, identifying what has happened to you in the past that stunts your personal growth and positive self image, embracing that, mothering yourself, and moving on in a stronger, empowered way and be able to identify and set healthy boundries that you feel confident in and not guilty about. I read it about five years ago and my kids and husband (the only ones who I talk to about my BP nada and MIL) told me that I seemed much happier and more confident. I felt like not only could I set boundries and say no to nada and MIL, but I felt like for the first time it was what I had to do to be healthy and I had a clue as to how to proceed. Of course then I had to deal (and still do) with being punished for not doing what I used to do, that is just take it and not honor my own boundries, but we get punished anyway for nonesense, but now if I get punished emotionally for setting my own boundries, at least I feel as if I am protecting me and mine and doing what I can. I feel better about me. And honestly now that I know more about BP, I almost feel as if when I am getting crap from nada and MIL, then that is a sign that I am healthy. A big line for me is respect. When nada and MIL now disrespect me or mine I can usually at least idenify it and call it what it is, usually. Sometimes still they surprise me and get me off guard and I don't, but I am getting better. I find that as I get older and the longer I know about BP, I am remembering more times when nada was mean and random times she would explode and now see them through a new, more informed lens. It amazes me how much crap I got thrown my way. I am now dealing with my anger about it, and I know it is part of the disease and supposidly not her fault, or choice, but seperating myself from the pain it caused takes time and I, like all of you, still have times that I am intensely sad about missing what I thought I had, but didn't. Boy, isn't it always about them! And the projecting of personal traits and actions is almost comical, sad, but comical. So just be kind to yourself. You are not a bad person, nor are you to blame here Chookrscool. Remember you are a good person and you are not a monster, you are to be respected and cherished and you deserve to be treated with kindness and understanding. It sounds to me like if you are open to it, along with reading more you would really benefit from seeing a counselor who is knowledgable about BP. Having an objective person who could really listen to you and help you navigate right now would be a big help to you. I find that when dealing with FOO and BP, it is nearly impossible to share this with anyone and have them understand. It is hard to trust that others are understanding your meaning and they just can't get it, heck we can't and we're in it! This webpage helps alot, but sometimes having an objective professional who will totally listen to YOU and focus on helping you on your journey is what you need, and you deserve it. Thinking of you both, and wishing you self love and peace. > > > > Hello to everyone and I like to say I am so grsteful that I have found this group. I am in a terrible situation. I have found out that my mum may be suffering from BPD. I found out this from my sister's therapist and my head is spinning with the bewilderment. In order to find some answers, I bought " Stop Walking on Eggshells " . What I have read describes my mum's and my own behaviour perfectly. I found this group from the book and I am glad I bought it. > > > > My mum has been abusing me pretty much all my life. She would explode into a rage at the drop of a hat, and at the most insignificant of things. And she has been only getting worse. She doesn't want me to have any friends and she hates me talking to the rest of the family. She tried all my childhood life to stop communication between me and the rest of my relatives, even hiding me from them at times. She just wanted me all to herself. If I did not comply to her needs, she would yell and scream, accuse me I was behaving that way just to hurt her. She would tell me that I don't love her and she would cut me down so low, that I believed I was a monster out to hurt and destroy her. When I tried to walk away, she would beg me to come back or even resort to threats of suicide. > > > > There was no way out for me. I felt like a slave to mum's emotions and I constantly feared every time I walked through the door she would explode at me for something I did to hurt her. She had complete control of every aspect of my life. I wasn't allowed to have my own life. Then she started threatening to harm me and that was when I had enough. I left home when she was out one day. I know its sounds terrible to leave your mum that way but I felt like I had no choice. I just wanted to escape from the constant abuse, fear and torment. > > > > I have since found out from the family that my case is not the first. My sister went through the same ordeal with similar concequences. The rest of the family have put up with mum's abuse for almost 5 decades. They have all diferent opinions about mum's mental illness and I find it frustrating that they don't want to be part of yet another saga. I have had to give up uni because of my dire situation and I am scared stiff of my mum. I have not seen her since the day I left, because I'm too terrified as to how she'll react to me. I feel like such a coward. > > > > But since I have been reading this book, I now feel ashamed of what I have done. I feel like a failure and that no one will ever love me because of what I have done. I just don't know what to do any more. To make things worse, I myself exibit some of the signs of BPD in their early stages. I don't know who I am anymore. I now have to find the real me and that isn't easy after years of mum saying that I am a monster. Please is there anyone who can help me? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 18, 2012 Report Share Posted January 18, 2012 > Then she started threatening to harm me and that was when I had enough. I left home when she was out one day. I know its sounds terrible to leave your mum that way but I felt like I had no choice. I just wanted to escape from the constant abuse, fear and torment. > Who says that's terrible? I think it sounds brave and sensible! You got yourself out of harm's way, and that was the right thing to do! When you're raised by someone with BPD, you end up learning a lot of their (dysfunctional) coping skills. It's a good idea to get into Therapy just to learn new ones. I understand, I was like that too and now am much better. This is not your fault, the shame isn't yours--it's your mothers--and you don't have to take it on for her. You are not a bad daughter or a bad person, and it's okay if you never want to speak to her again. I do recommend a T, though. It is tremendously helpful. I can't imagine how I would have ever gotten through this without mine. Sveta Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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