When your BP parent is quiet.....scary?

[Guest guest]

My nada is finally backing down, appearing to respect my boundaries that I have

set in place.

She has stopped calling me. She has stopped coming to my home unannounced. She

managed to not send a birthday card to my daughter with a novel written in it

about herself which is always really to me since my daughter can't read.

She came to my daughter's birthday party today, as she was invited. But it was

without drama, much to my surprise.

I should be happy she is so quiet right now and seeming normal. But at least

when she's acting like her true normal self that is somewhat predictable and

expected. But the quietness? That is really freaking me out.

What should I expect next?

[Guest guest]

Well, my point of view on this is pessimistic because its based on my own nada's

behaviors, and your nada could be entirely different... but...

My recently deceased nada could behave really well toward Sister and me for

limited periods of time, but they never lasted.

For example, about 4 years ago nada began therapy as a condition for Sister and

me to resume having contact with her. After nada had been to weekly therapy

sessions for only a couple of months or so, Sister called me almost crying with

joy, saying that nada seemed like a different person and was being just sweet

(not verbally abusive, critical, fault-finding) toward Sister. I agreed that

that was great news, but I was skeptical. Turns out that our nada was exerting

a super-human effort to be " nice " but it wasn't really " normal " for her; after

only a couple of weeks of " nice " , a minor frustration triggered nada into a

truly spectacular volcanic, vitriolic rage at Sister. During this rage-tantrum

nada screamed that there was nothing wrong with her, she didn't need therapy,

she only went because we forced her to, that Sister and I were hateful and mean

and were telling lies about her, she had always been the perfect mother to us,

etc., etc.

For the rest of my nada's life she was in and out of therapy, sometimes highly

resistant, sometimes compliant, and Sister had to go in and out of contact with

nada when nada would become particularly abusive. (Because I live on the other

coast, I wasn't subjected to this hideous stress up close and personal like

Sister was; I remained in virtually no contact with nada.) Then about a year

ago it became evident that dementia (probably some form of Alzheimers) had set

in; nada started having hallucinations along with her increasingly paranoid

thinking and fixed delusions, so talk therapy was no longer a viable option for

her.

But, my nada had always been a kind of " Jekyll and Hyde " type of personality;

she could be just sweet and normal sometimes, but then she could lash out with

terrifying anger for seemingly no reason, while at other times we could see her

building up into a rage over a few hours or a few days.

So I got to the point where I simply never trusted that her good moods were

genuine or that they would last very long.

I hope, truly, that in your nada's case it will be different. Not everyone with

bpd is exactly alike; there are different combinations of the 9 criteria, there

can be co-morbidities, and differing degrees of frequency and intensity of the

presenting symptoms that make each person with bpd unique.

-Annie

>

>

> My nada is finally backing down, appearing to respect my boundaries that I

have set in place.

>

> She has stopped calling me. She has stopped coming to my home unannounced. She

managed to not send a birthday card to my daughter with a novel written in it

about herself which is always really to me since my daughter can't read.

> She came to my daughter's birthday party today, as she was invited. But it was

without drama, much to my surprise.

>

> I should be happy she is so quiet right now and seeming normal. But at least

when she's acting like her true normal self that is somewhat predictable and

expected. But the quietness? That is really freaking me out.

>

> What should I expect next?

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, scary, because you know it probably won't last! What's her typical pattern?

Can you kind of map out the past, is there a cycle? With my nada, once she knew

she'd crossed the line, she'd be on her best behavior, until I'd sort of

forgotten and relaxed my boundaries. Then HOOVERED again. Over and over for

decades. Over the last several years, and especially since my dad was ill and

passed away, her cycle is out of control. But, with good boundaries, it's more

" manageable " .

Anyway, I think you can expect to get sucked in if you aren't firm with the

boundaries.

>

>

> My nada is finally backing down, appearing to respect my boundaries that I

have set in place.

>

> She has stopped calling me. She has stopped coming to my home unannounced. She

managed to not send a birthday card to my daughter with a novel written in it

about herself which is always really to me since my daughter can't read.

> She came to my daughter's birthday party today, as she was invited. But it was

without drama, much to my surprise.

>

> I should be happy she is so quiet right now and seeming normal. But at least

when she's acting like her true normal self that is somewhat predictable and

expected. But the quietness? That is really freaking me out.

>

> What should I expect next?

>

[Guest guest]

I hope for your sake that this is a case of your nada respecting your

boundaries.

When my nada goes quiet and seemingly is respecting boundaries I know she is on

a slow boil to seek revenge on me. She will get back at me for setting a

boundary by shutting me out of things that she knows will get at me - all

psychological torture.

My nada holds things inside and looks like she is being nice and all smiley and

agreeing but in reality she is waiting for her moment to twist everything and

hold it against me.

As an example - she has been fairly sweet and agreeable with me since New Year's

while my younger brother (he is the all good child) has been away in Hawaii. The

minute he returned, she has started her games with me - changing plans for

hospital appointments with him and not telling me when I have rearranged my work

schedule to help take her. My brother is as bad as her because he colludes with

her when he knows what the plans were and then tries to make out is has nothing

to do with him and it is my problem with her.

I never trust my nada's " nice " behaviour because it bever lasts and it is a

double edged sword where I usually get the blade.

Koko

>

>

> My nada is finally backing down, appearing to respect my boundaries that I

have set in place.

>

> She has stopped calling me. She has stopped coming to my home unannounced. She

managed to not send a birthday card to my daughter with a novel written in it

about herself which is always really to me since my daughter can't read.

> She came to my daughter's birthday party today, as she was invited. But it was

without drama, much to my surprise.

>

> I should be happy she is so quiet right now and seeming normal. But at least

when she's acting like her true normal self that is somewhat predictable and

expected. But the quietness? That is really freaking me out.

>

> What should I expect next?

>

[Guest guest]

Annie, SS, and Koko - I pretty much suspected all of that.

Stillsmirky - there is that small part of me, longing for my normal mom, that

wants to have fellowship with her like we used to and hope that she is normal.

And I realize that is the exactly the pattern I used to follow all of these

years since I left home that was so damaging. Its sad to have to restrain

yourself from wanting to enjoy the company of your mom because you know that in

a New york minute its gonna turn on you - like Annie said - and be a rage, or in

my nada's case, hysterical crying, manipulation, etc etc.

Koko - Exactly my thoughts. My mom has been deliberately hiding things from me

about her family. My aunts, that I really do love, but are very enmeshed with

her right now because she has played her victim card so well. Found out

yesterday one aunt was diagnosed with diabetes in SEPTEMBER of last year. No

one, not even my cousins, has told me. There have been hospitalizations and

divorces occur in her family that she has deliberately hidden from me and I am

just now hearing about " through the grapevine " .

Anyway, enough of all that. You all just confirmed my suspicions. Don't trust

the quiet.

We'll see what unfolds next. It doesn't really matter what does, because I have

stopped playing her games. I don't react to her words or shock-attempts anymore.

I may be wrong, but I think I remember reading in SWOE that when you stop

feeding into their drama they stop seeking you out so much for reactions? Is

that right?

> >

> >

> > My nada is finally backing down, appearing to respect my boundaries that I

have set in place.

> >

> > She has stopped calling me. She has stopped coming to my home unannounced.

She managed to not send a birthday card to my daughter with a novel written in

it about herself which is always really to me since my daughter can't read.

> > She came to my daughter's birthday party today, as she was invited. But it

was without drama, much to my surprise.

> >

> > I should be happy she is so quiet right now and seeming normal. But at least

when she's acting like her true normal self that is somewhat predictable and

expected. But the quietness? That is really freaking me out.

> >

> > What should I expect next?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Big Sis,

I'm encountering this myself now and am interested in what the others think as

well.

My nada has been compliant in not calling me or coming over, etc., to the point

that I'm wondering when the next shoe will drop. I can't let myself relax to

think that all is well now.

Hey, if your nada really is respecting your boundaries, though...that's great!!

Good for you for doing a good job in communicating them.

Fiona

>

>

> My nada is finally backing down, appearing to respect my boundaries that I

have set in place.

>

> She has stopped calling me. She has stopped coming to my home unannounced. She

managed to not send a birthday card to my daughter with a novel written in it

about herself which is always really to me since my daughter can't read.

> She came to my daughter's birthday party today, as she was invited. But it was

without drama, much to my surprise.

>

> I should be happy she is so quiet right now and seeming normal. But at least

when she's acting like her true normal self that is somewhat predictable and

expected. But the quietness? That is really freaking me out.

>

> What should I expect next?

>