Guest guest Posted January 16, 2012 Report Share Posted January 16, 2012 Well, I did as my aunt said and gave nada my new phone number. I've been able to keep the conversations neutral with her through my texts, but something just doesn't feel right. Ever since I gave nada my new number, I have been feeling angry and upset, but it's not about nada. These feelings have been toying with my emotions for days. Then it finally hit me. I am angry at my aunt for forcing me to give my number to nada. My aunt said " if this is not resolved, I will have to see (nada) and break it to her. " In other words, if I didn't give nada my new number or at least have some form of contact with her, then she was going to tell nada how my relatives helped me and reveal where I was. How dare she use my freedom and safety as leverage! I am so angry at her for doing that! I changed my number so I would break what abusive cycle was left between me and nada. But now I have been pushed right back into that cycle. And to rub salt into the wound, my aunt accused me that it was my fault that the family has to lie to nada about what had happened and of my whereabouts. She said that I was " taking the easy way out " by not giving my number to nada and letting the family take the fall for it. It's my responsibility to keep myself safe, and it's my family's responsibility as to what they say to nada and how they say it. I didn't ask them to lie to nada, I asked them not to tell her where I am. It is their choice if they want to lie to my nada, because the words are coming out of their mouth, not mine. Now that the abusive cycle is renewed between me and nada, and my aunt is putting the blame on me, how can I go about the matter? If I don't have contact with nada, she will go find someone else in the family to play the game with her. But if I have contact with her for the sake of the family (so they won't have to put up with her), then I am fuelling her fire and the abuse starts up again. Is there any other way I can sort this out? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 18, 2012 Report Share Posted January 18, 2012 Yes, you're angry because you relaxed your boundary. Your aunt didn't force you to do anything. She did put a lot of pressure on you and essentially emotionally blackmailed you, as flying monkeys do, but ultimately the decision to release your number was yours and yours alone. You can learn from this, though. That icky feeling, that anger, those are there because you need to honor your boundaries. Next time someone comes along pressuring you, tell them you're not discussing your mother and hang up when they keep at it. Let them go " break " whatever the hell news they want. What they do and say isn't your problem. Do you have a T who can help you figure out what your boundaries are and how to protect them? Listen to what *you* want and take care of what *you* need, give yourself permission to protect yourself and not worry about how other people are going to think or feel. Otherwise you will keep feeling like this. Sveta > > Well, I did as my aunt said and gave nada my new phone number. I've been able to keep the conversations neutral with her through my texts, but something just doesn't feel right. Ever since I gave nada my new number, I have been feeling angry and upset, but it's not about nada. These feelings have been toying with my emotions for days. > > Then it finally hit me. I am angry at my aunt for forcing me to give my number to nada. My aunt said " if this is not resolved, I will have to see (nada) and break it to her. " In other words, if I didn't give nada my new number or at least have some form of contact with her, then she was going to tell nada how my relatives helped me and reveal where I was. How dare she use my freedom and safety as leverage! I am so angry at her for doing that! > > I changed my number so I would break what abusive cycle was left between me and nada. But now I have been pushed right back into that cycle. And to rub salt into the wound, my aunt accused me that it was my fault that the family has to lie to nada about what had happened and of my whereabouts. She said that I was " taking the easy way out " by not giving my number to nada and letting the family take the fall for it. > > It's my responsibility to keep myself safe, and it's my family's responsibility as to what they say to nada and how they say it. I didn't ask them to lie to nada, I asked them not to tell her where I am. It is their choice if they want to lie to my nada, because the words are coming out of their mouth, not mine. > > Now that the abusive cycle is renewed between me and nada, and my aunt is putting the blame on me, how can I go about the matter? If I don't have contact with nada, she will go find someone else in the family to play the game with her. But if I have contact with her for the sake of the family (so they won't have to put up with her), then I am fuelling her fire and the abuse starts up again. Is there any other way I can sort this out? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 18, 2012 Report Share Posted January 18, 2012 Thank you Sveta for your suggestions.  I understand that I broke one of my limits. Its just that the whole situation with my family, my nada and me is just so complex and confusing. I stated my concerns and limits to my aunt using the DEAR system from Stop Walking on Eggshells and it seemed to get my message across. But she still sees it in her opinion, which she is entilted to. She said that I did the right thing in so by giving nada my new number, and taking the strain off the family, but now the strain is put back onto me. I do feel like I should have contact with nada, so she knows I'm ok, (I moved out on my own about a year ago) but I dread every time I get a message. I fear every time nada tries to contact me. I get that horrible feeling in my stomach like there is suddenly a huge rock that's been dropped in there. Nada has been using wild speils in an attempt to get me to come back to her lately. The last one involved the pet chickens she has. She said that one of them got really sick and the other " miraculously " saved her from death. Nada knows my weak points very well. She knows I do care about the chickens and I love them dearly, so if anything were to happen to them, I want to know about it. I told her that she could e-mail me the story, but when she didn't respond I knew it was all a manipulative plan so she could pull me back into her crazy world.  I'm working on finding a therapist, but I'm afraid that I cannot afford to see one because I am living on government allowance (centrlink) and I can only afford the bare essentials. Another one of my relatives told me if I go to my GP I can get a referral to see a councellor that supports Government supported people, but not to sure about that. Also, I am scared of going to a therapist, because if people find out I am seeing one, they might think I am the crazy one and see me as some kind of mental freak who should be avoided. Also my fear of therapists extends right back to my nada's intimidation tactics in order to keep me isolated and to keep my mouth shut. Plus of this one incident with the guidence councellor at high school.  One day when I was 13, I was called up to the guidence councellor's office because my teacher noticed I wasn't coping well. At the time, nada had escalated her violent rages and hurtful accusations towards me. Nada and fada we also fighting. I didn't want to tell the councellor anything because I was too scared of what my nada threatened to do if I did so. But the councellor kept urging me and I finally said that nada and fada were fighting. When I came home that afternoon though, world war 3 erupted between me and nada. You see after I left the councellor, he called my nada to enquire further. Bad idea. Nada ended up screaming at me for hours on end, saying that I wanted her to go to jail and that I didn't love her and I wanted child services to take me away etc, etc. From that day on, I have never trusted any councellor or therapist. That incident still haunts me to this day. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thursday, 19 January 2012 5:48 AM Subject: Re: I know why I am so angry  Yes, you're angry because you relaxed your boundary. Your aunt didn't force you to do anything. She did put a lot of pressure on you and essentially emotionally blackmailed you, as flying monkeys do, but ultimately the decision to release your number was yours and yours alone. You can learn from this, though. That icky feeling, that anger, those are there because you need to honor your boundaries. Next time someone comes along pressuring you, tell them you're not discussing your mother and hang up when they keep at it. Let them go " break " whatever the hell news they want. What they do and say isn't your problem. Do you have a T who can help you figure out what your boundaries are and how to protect them? Listen to what *you* want and take care of what *you* need, give yourself permission to protect yourself and not worry about how other people are going to think or feel. Otherwise you will keep feeling like this. Sveta > > Well, I did as my aunt said and gave nada my new phone number. I've been able to keep the conversations neutral with her through my texts, but something just doesn't feel right. Ever since I gave nada my new number, I have been feeling angry and upset, but it's not about nada. These feelings have been toying with my emotions for days. > > Then it finally hit me. I am angry at my aunt for forcing me to give my number to nada. My aunt said " if this is not resolved, I will have to see (nada) and break it to her. " In other words, if I didn't give nada my new number or at least have some form of contact with her, then she was going to tell nada how my relatives helped me and reveal where I was. How dare she use my freedom and safety as leverage! I am so angry at her for doing that! > > I changed my number so I would break what abusive cycle was left between me and nada. But now I have been pushed right back into that cycle. And to rub salt into the wound, my aunt accused me that it was my fault that the family has to lie to nada about what had happened and of my whereabouts. She said that I was " taking the easy way out " by not giving my number to nada and letting the family take the fall for it. > > It's my responsibility to keep myself safe, and it's my family's responsibility as to what they say to nada and how they say it. I didn't ask them to lie to nada, I asked them not to tell her where I am. It is their choice if they want to lie to my nada, because the words are coming out of their mouth, not mine. > > Now that the abusive cycle is renewed between me and nada, and my aunt is putting the blame on me, how can I go about the matter? If I don't have contact with nada, she will go find someone else in the family to play the game with her. But if I have contact with her for the sake of the family (so they won't have to put up with her), then I am fuelling her fire and the abuse starts up again. Is there any other way I can sort this out? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 18, 2012 Report Share Posted January 18, 2012 Ruth, IN some families the dynamic is that there is one child that is the sacrificial lamb to the PD parent. It sure sounds like a lot of your family is trying to force you into that role. It isn't always a conscience decision on their part, but it is a common dynamic. One person takes the majority of the heat that the other family members do not want to endure. Just a thought for you to consider. C Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 18, 2012 Report Share Posted January 18, 2012 I'll speak for the way I would feel and what I would do if I were in your shoes. First, after being steamed I would be happy because changing my number has smoked out another untrustworthy family member who needs to be put on LC or NC. That would be the aunt. I would immediately change that number again and NOT GIVE ANY FAMILY MEMBERS THE NUMBER. Only work and the rest of the world would have that new number. For family calls, I would invest in a cheap, throwaway phone with it's own separate number. This I would give to trusted family members only--aunt and nada are off the list, and the minute that number became compromised, I'd get another number and do that as many times as I had to until I had my " safe " family identified. As for my aunt blackmailing me to do stuff I didn't want to do for fear of Nada finding out, that's a tough one. I'd have to ask myself, " Am I going to bend over all my life and be threatened by these PD thugs who happen to be related? Or am I going to stand up for myself and let the chips fall where they may? " That's a tough one, Chooks. I've stood in your shoes and for each of us, it's about the timing and when we're ready and when the time is right. I was in my 40s before I had enough strength. But I wish with all my might that I had been younger. Because each year under the tyranny of a PD family is a year stolen from life. Wishing you the best and encouraging you to ask and talk on this board as much and as long as it takes, AFB > > Well, I did as my aunt said and gave nada my new phone number. I've been able to keep the conversations neutral with her through my texts, but something just doesn't feel right. Ever since I gave nada my new number, I have been feeling angry and upset, but it's not about nada. These feelings have been toying with my emotions for days. > > Then it finally hit me. I am angry at my aunt for forcing me to give my number to nada. My aunt said " if this is not resolved, I will have to see (nada) and break it to her. " In other words, if I didn't give nada my new number or at least have some form of contact with her, then she was going to tell nada how my relatives helped me and reveal where I was. How dare she use my freedom and safety as leverage! I am so angry at her for doing that! > > I changed my number so I would break what abusive cycle was left between me and nada. But now I have been pushed right back into that cycle. And to rub salt into the wound, my aunt accused me that it was my fault that the family has to lie to nada about what had happened and of my whereabouts. She said that I was " taking the easy way out " by not giving my number to nada and letting the family take the fall for it. > > It's my responsibility to keep myself safe, and it's my family's responsibility as to what they say to nada and how they say it. I didn't ask them to lie to nada, I asked them not to tell her where I am. It is their choice if they want to lie to my nada, because the words are coming out of their mouth, not mine. > > Now that the abusive cycle is renewed between me and nada, and my aunt is putting the blame on me, how can I go about the matter? If I don't have contact with nada, she will go find someone else in the family to play the game with her. But if I have contact with her for the sake of the family (so they won't have to put up with her), then I am fuelling her fire and the abuse starts up again. Is there any other way I can sort this out? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 18, 2012 Report Share Posted January 18, 2012 To build on what AFB said, google voice is free. You can set up a free phone number through them & have it forwarded to your main phone, or use your computer with a headset to talk to people. I have a google voice number because I didn't want my husband's likely BPD ex wife having my cell number and I had been picking my step son up from school. Once I was done with picking him up from school, I blocked psycho ex's number on google voice. Simple. Anyway, just another idea to give you that's a free alternative to paying for a second phone number. Good luck to you and I feel for you. I'm glad you were able to put your finger on why you were angry and I think you're absolutely validated to feel the way you do! Mia On Wed, Jan 18, 2012 at 8:36 PM, awayfromborderland wrote: > > > > I'll speak for the way I would feel and what I would do if I were in your shoes. First, after being steamed I would be happy because changing my number has smoked out another untrustworthy family member who needs to be put on LC or NC. That would be the aunt. I would immediately change that number again and NOT GIVE ANY FAMILY MEMBERS THE NUMBER. Only work and the rest of the world would have that new number. > > For family calls, I would invest in a cheap, throwaway phone with it's own separate number. This I would give to trusted family members only--aunt and nada are off the list, and the minute that number became compromised, I'd get another number and do that as many times as I had to until I had my " safe " family identified. > > As for my aunt blackmailing me to do stuff I didn't want to do for fear of Nada finding out, that's a tough one. I'd have to ask myself, " Am I going to bend over all my life and be threatened by these PD thugs who happen to be related? Or am I going to stand up for myself and let the chips fall where they may? " That's a tough one, Chooks. I've stood in your shoes and for each of us, it's about the timing and when we're ready and when the time is right. I was in my 40s before I had enough strength. But I wish with all my might that I had been younger. Because each year under the tyranny of a PD family is a year stolen from life. > > Wishing you the best and encouraging you to ask and talk on this board as much and as long as it takes, > AFB > > > > > > > > Well, I did as my aunt said and gave nada my new phone number. I've been able to keep the conversations neutral with her through my texts, but something just doesn't feel right. Ever since I gave nada my new number, I have been feeling angry and upset, but it's not about nada. These feelings have been toying with my emotions for days. > > > > Then it finally hit me. I am angry at my aunt for forcing me to give my number to nada. My aunt said " if this is not resolved, I will have to see (nada) and break it to her. " In other words, if I didn't give nada my new number or at least have some form of contact with her, then she was going to tell nada how my relatives helped me and reveal where I was. How dare she use my freedom and safety as leverage! I am so angry at her for doing that! > > > > I changed my number so I would break what abusive cycle was left between me and nada. But now I have been pushed right back into that cycle. And to rub salt into the wound, my aunt accused me that it was my fault that the family has to lie to nada about what had happened and of my whereabouts. She said that I was " taking the easy way out " by not giving my number to nada and letting the family take the fall for it. > > > > It's my responsibility to keep myself safe, and it's my family's responsibility as to what they say to nada and how they say it. I didn't ask them to lie to nada, I asked them not to tell her where I am. It is their choice if they want to lie to my nada, because the words are coming out of their mouth, not mine. > > > > Now that the abusive cycle is renewed between me and nada, and my aunt is putting the blame on me, how can I go about the matter? If I don't have contact with nada, she will go find someone else in the family to play the game with her. But if I have contact with her for the sake of the family (so they won't have to put up with her), then I am fuelling her fire and the abuse starts up again. Is there any other way I can sort this out? > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 19, 2012 Report Share Posted January 19, 2012 Hi Ruth You can get a number of free visits paid for by Medicare with a doctors referral. I did about 18mths ago when a work place managed to get me to a place where I was having anxiety related breathing troubles etc. You can also see your local mental health services(they are usually connected to the hospitals) and see what they can offer. There are usually a number of hospitals within an area health service so perhaps you can look into one that is a little further away from where you live or make the initial contact over the phone. The difference with adult counselors is that they adhere to patient confidentiality. School counselors are not the same. Best of luck and big hugs LT > > > > Well, I did as my aunt said and gave nada my new phone number. I've been able to keep the conversations neutral with her through my texts, but something just doesn't feel right. Ever since I gave nada my new number, I have been feeling angry and upset, but it's not about nada. These feelings have been toying with my emotions for days. > > > > Then it finally hit me. I am angry at my aunt for forcing me to give my number to nada. My aunt said " if this is not resolved, I will have to see (nada) and break it to her. " In other words, if I didn't give nada my new number or at least have some form of contact with her, then she was going to tell nada how my relatives helped me and reveal where I was. How dare she use my freedom and safety as leverage! I am so angry at her for doing that! > > > > I changed my number so I would break what abusive cycle was left between me and nada. But now I have been pushed right back into that cycle. And to rub salt into the wound, my aunt accused me that it was my fault that the family has to lie to nada about what had happened and of my whereabouts. She said that I was " taking the easy way out " by not giving my number to nada and letting the family take the fall for it. > > > > It's my responsibility to keep myself safe, and it's my family's responsibility as to what they say to nada and how they say it. I didn't ask them to lie to nada, I asked them not to tell her where I am. It is their choice if they want to lie to my nada, because the words are coming out of their mouth, not mine. > > > > Now that the abusive cycle is renewed between me and nada, and my aunt is putting the blame on me, how can I go about the matter? If I don't have contact with nada, she will go find someone else in the family to play the game with her. But if I have contact with her for the sake of the family (so they won't have to put up with her), then I am fuelling her fire and the abuse starts up again. Is there any other way I can sort this out? > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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