Went to visit Nada at assisted living...

[Guest guest]

Hi, folks - I've been away from here for several weeks, what with some computer

issues and the holidays, etc. I went to see my mother last night, and feel the

need for a " reality check-in " here, and to share what little bit of insight I've

gained today.

Background - My mom is still at assisted living, I'm handling her bills and

making sure everything is paid (and yes, it's a financial struggle, because she

has no real income other than what goes to the assisted living place). She has

pulled a couple of stunts over the past few months which, if left uncorrected,

could have left me exposed to huge bills for her " retail therapy " - so I've had

to ask the A.L. home to curtail her trips to the store, manage her medications

more closely, and basically rein her in. I must work with the staff and manager

at the A.L. place to keep my mother safe, housed, and fed. The manager is very

good natured, but we both know that my mother could drive anybody crazy, and

that she will push against any boundary that is set. Nada just won't accept

that this is it. This is all there is. There's no place else for her to go.

She has run through all her " friends " and enablers, and nobody's going to take

her in. The place is clean and safe, fairly pleasant and non-institutional, and

it could have been far, far worse for her.

So - knowing all this, having read the BPD literature, being fully steeped in

the KO mantras and girded for battle, I went over to give my mother some

spending money and pick up some out-of-season clothing. I have about got this

down to a once-a-month thing. Given the opportunity, I'd communicate with her

only by mail, but there are usually things she needs from storage, so I have to

go.

The anxiety starts building from the minute she calls with her " list " of items

and needs. I live in a state of dread until the minute I leave her and head

home, free for another four weeks or so (or until she does something that

compels me to take action).

So - I went to visit last night, take her some money, etc. The complaining and

belittling started immediately and covered everything from the soda I'd brought

her (wrong bottle type) to my parenting skills, to me being mean to her by

asking that she not be allowed to leave the facility without a staffer (this was

due to the aforementioned stunts she pulled, which could have allowed her to run

up large bills - which would then be dropped in my lap. No, thanks.)

She does not acknowledge ANY responsibility for her own actions, sees nothing

wrong in what she did, and feels entitled (as always) to do whatever she wants,

when she wants, no matter what the consequences are. I held my tongue and

replied as civilly as I could (while not caving in to her demands). This went

on for about a half-hour until I said, " I'm going to leave before this gets

really ugly. " (I would add that when we are in her room, I keep the door propped

open. I don't want to be accused of abusing her.)

I guess I drove about 25 miles back toward home before I realized that my jaw

was clenched, my hands were gripping the wheel, and I was worrying about what

she'd said. The last dozen miles home, I had to repeat, " She's crazy. Consider

the source. " But I was still totally wiped out by the time I got home - all the

adrenaline drained and I was as exhausted as if I'd moved furniture all day.

So that's the latest report. The knowledge of BPD behaviors and coping

mechanisms helps. Having her in assisted living is crucial, as it limits the

damage she can do (not that it stops her from trying!). But it still wipes me

out, and I pray to be set free from her.

[Guest guest]

((((()))))

You are truly a saint, in my opinion. You are providing your time and your care

to someone who doesn't seem to care a jot about you or your needs or your

feelings... and that to me is saintly. I wish for you as much peace and joy

and healing as is possible for you under the circumstances; I think you deserve

to treat yourself to some luxury pampering or whatever feel like a " treat " or

reward to you each time you have to spend time handling your nada's care issues.

At least, its good that you are starting to tell yourself that none of the mean,

ugly, hateful things that your nada says to you about you are valid and you need

not take them personally. I hope that will help protect you from further

stress.

I noticed that the week that I was there visiting nada in hospice care with my

Sister, that my Sister did a kind of " personality shut down " each time we were

in our nada's presence. It was as though part of Sister's very being was turned

off; my Sister was able to be pleasant and speak kindly to our nada (but without

much emotional... investment? Its hard to describe.) Sister had shielded

herself from verbal attacks or accusations from our nada, proactively. It was

almost palpable, this preemptive " shields up! " tactic.

This must have been " Medium Chill " in action; I'd tried it myself during my

previous visit a couple of years ago, but I'd never observed another person

using it. After each visit with nada, I was able to observe Sister visibly

relaxing again into her true self when we'd drive away.

Watching what Sister had to put herself through made me feel so guilty for not

being there to take on the burden part time, not sharing the load with Sister,

but because I live on the opposite coast than Sister (and nada) it just wasn't

possible.

Now that my nada has passed away, it makes me feel better to know that my Sister

is now allowing herself to enjoy some much-deserved pampering and fun, time just

for herself, and not have to worry about pleasing our always-unpleasable nada

any longer. I encourage her to do all the fun, new, interesting things she's

spoken of trying, its so overdue for her to get some more joy out of life.

I hope you will do the same.

-Annie

>

> Hi, folks - I've been away from here for several weeks, what with some

computer issues and the holidays, etc. I went to see my mother last night, and

feel the need for a " reality check-in " here, and to share what little bit of

insight I've gained today.

>

> Background - My mom is still at assisted living, I'm handling her bills and

making sure everything is paid (and yes, it's a financial struggle, because she

has no real income other than what goes to the assisted living place). She has

pulled a couple of stunts over the past few months which, if left uncorrected,

could have left me exposed to huge bills for her " retail therapy " - so I've had

to ask the A.L. home to curtail her trips to the store, manage her medications

more closely, and basically rein her in. I must work with the staff and manager

at the A.L. place to keep my mother safe, housed, and fed. The manager is very

good natured, but we both know that my mother could drive anybody crazy, and

that she will push against any boundary that is set. Nada just won't accept

that this is it. This is all there is. There's no place else for her to go.

She has run through all her " friends " and enablers, and nobody's going to take

her in. The place is clean and safe, fairly pleasant and non-institutional, and

it could have been far, far worse for her.

>

> So - knowing all this, having read the BPD literature, being fully steeped in

the KO mantras and girded for battle, I went over to give my mother some

spending money and pick up some out-of-season clothing. I have about got this

down to a once-a-month thing. Given the opportunity, I'd communicate with her

only by mail, but there are usually things she needs from storage, so I have to

go.

>

> The anxiety starts building from the minute she calls with her " list " of items

and needs. I live in a state of dread until the minute I leave her and head

home, free for another four weeks or so (or until she does something that

compels me to take action).

>

> So - I went to visit last night, take her some money, etc. The complaining

and belittling started immediately and covered everything from the soda I'd

brought her (wrong bottle type) to my parenting skills, to me being mean to her

by asking that she not be allowed to leave the facility without a staffer (this

was due to the aforementioned stunts she pulled, which could have allowed her to

run up large bills - which would then be dropped in my lap. No, thanks.)

>

> She does not acknowledge ANY responsibility for her own actions, sees nothing

wrong in what she did, and feels entitled (as always) to do whatever she wants,

when she wants, no matter what the consequences are. I held my tongue and

replied as civilly as I could (while not caving in to her demands). This went

on for about a half-hour until I said, " I'm going to leave before this gets

really ugly. " (I would add that when we are in her room, I keep the door propped

open. I don't want to be accused of abusing her.)

>

> I guess I drove about 25 miles back toward home before I realized that my jaw

was clenched, my hands were gripping the wheel, and I was worrying about what

she'd said. The last dozen miles home, I had to repeat, " She's crazy. Consider

the source. " But I was still totally wiped out by the time I got home - all the

adrenaline drained and I was as exhausted as if I'd moved furniture all day.

>

> So that's the latest report. The knowledge of BPD behaviors and coping

mechanisms helps. Having her in assisted living is crucial, as it limits the

damage she can do (not that it stops her from trying!). But it still wipes me

out, and I pray to be set free from her.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

can you just have a courier drive the stuff next time?

On Tue, Jan 17, 2012 at 5:50 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

> **

>

>

> ((((()))))

> You are truly a saint, in my opinion. You are providing your time and your

> care to someone who doesn't seem to care a jot about you or your needs or

> your feelings... and that to me is saintly. I wish for you as much peace

> and joy and healing as is possible for you under the circumstances; I think

> you deserve to treat yourself to some luxury pampering or whatever feel

> like a " treat " or reward to you each time you have to spend time handling

> your nada's care issues.

>

> At least, its good that you are starting to tell yourself that none of the

> mean, ugly, hateful things that your nada says to you about you are valid

> and you need not take them personally. I hope that will help protect you

> from further stress.

>

> I noticed that the week that I was there visiting nada in hospice care

> with my Sister, that my Sister did a kind of " personality shut down " each

> time we were in our nada's presence. It was as though part of Sister's very

> being was turned off; my Sister was able to be pleasant and speak kindly to

> our nada (but without much emotional... investment? Its hard to describe.)

> Sister had shielded herself from verbal attacks or accusations from our

> nada, proactively. It was almost palpable, this preemptive " shields up! "

> tactic.

>

> This must have been " Medium Chill " in action; I'd tried it myself during

> my previous visit a couple of years ago, but I'd never observed another

> person using it. After each visit with nada, I was able to observe Sister

> visibly relaxing again into her true self when we'd drive away.

>

> Watching what Sister had to put herself through made me feel so guilty for

> not being there to take on the burden part time, not sharing the load with

> Sister, but because I live on the opposite coast than Sister (and nada) it

> just wasn't possible.

>

> Now that my nada has passed away, it makes me feel better to know that my

> Sister is now allowing herself to enjoy some much-deserved pampering and

> fun, time just for herself, and not have to worry about pleasing our

> always-unpleasable nada any longer. I encourage her to do all the fun, new,

> interesting things she's spoken of trying, its so overdue for her to get

> some more joy out of life.

>

> I hope you will do the same.

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

> >

> > Hi, folks - I've been away from here for several weeks, what with some

> computer issues and the holidays, etc. I went to see my mother last night,

> and feel the need for a " reality check-in " here, and to share what little

> bit of insight I've gained today.

> >

> > Background - My mom is still at assisted living, I'm handling her bills

> and making sure everything is paid (and yes, it's a financial struggle,

> because she has no real income other than what goes to the assisted living

> place). She has pulled a couple of stunts over the past few months which,

> if left uncorrected, could have left me exposed to huge bills for her

> " retail therapy " - so I've had to ask the A.L. home to curtail her trips to

> the store, manage her medications more closely, and basically rein her in.

> I must work with the staff and manager at the A.L. place to keep my mother

> safe, housed, and fed. The manager is very good natured, but we both know

> that my mother could drive anybody crazy, and that she will push against

> any boundary that is set. Nada just won't accept that this is it. This is

> all there is. There's no place else for her to go. She has run through all

> her " friends " and enablers, and nobody's going to take her in. The place is

> clean and safe, fairly pleasant and non-institutional, and it could have

> been far, far worse for her.

> >

> > So - knowing all this, having read the BPD literature, being fully

> steeped in the KO mantras and girded for battle, I went over to give my

> mother some spending money and pick up some out-of-season clothing. I have

> about got this down to a once-a-month thing. Given the opportunity, I'd

> communicate with her only by mail, but there are usually things she needs

> from storage, so I have to go.

> >

> > The anxiety starts building from the minute she calls with her " list " of

> items and needs. I live in a state of dread until the minute I leave her

> and head home, free for another four weeks or so (or until she does

> something that compels me to take action).

> >

> > So - I went to visit last night, take her some money, etc. The

> complaining and belittling started immediately and covered everything from

> the soda I'd brought her (wrong bottle type) to my parenting skills, to me

> being mean to her by asking that she not be allowed to leave the facility

> without a staffer (this was due to the aforementioned stunts she pulled,

> which could have allowed her to run up large bills - which would then be

> dropped in my lap. No, thanks.)

> >

> > She does not acknowledge ANY responsibility for her own actions, sees

> nothing wrong in what she did, and feels entitled (as always) to do

> whatever she wants, when she wants, no matter what the consequences are. I

> held my tongue and replied as civilly as I could (while not caving in to

> her demands). This went on for about a half-hour until I said, " I'm going

> to leave before this gets really ugly. " (I would add that when we are in

> her room, I keep the door propped open. I don't want to be accused of

> abusing her.)

> >

> > I guess I drove about 25 miles back toward home before I realized that

> my jaw was clenched, my hands were gripping the wheel, and I was worrying

> about what she'd said. The last dozen miles home, I had to repeat, " She's

> crazy. Consider the source. " But I was still totally wiped out by the time

> I got home - all the adrenaline drained and I was as exhausted as if I'd

> moved furniture all day.

> >

> > So that's the latest report. The knowledge of BPD behaviors and coping

> mechanisms helps. Having her in assisted living is crucial, as it limits

> the damage she can do (not that it stops her from trying!). But it still

> wipes me out, and I pray to be set free from her.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm with Girlscout, have the stuff delivered. Once a month is waaaay too often

to be going through this. The minute one month is over, you start dreading the

next. Maybe start with going in person every second month then after 6 months

cut it back to every three and so on. Hope this helps.

AFB

>

> can you just have a courier drive the stuff next time?

>

>

[Guest guest]

Annie, GS, and AFB - Hi, good to hear from the three of you. It's like chatting

with old friends.

Having a courier drive stuff over is a brilliant idea - if we ever get the

finances stabilized, I would LOVE to do that - or just mail her stuff to her.

I'm already using every " service " currently available to manage her health needs

and meds, etc. It serves a dual purpose - gets her the services she needs, AND

puts some " sane eyes " on her behavior. It also puts a few more layers of

insulation between us - always a good thing!

As you might imagine, what she WANTS is for me to be there, giving her personal

attention, taking her to the store (where she blithely overspends, then expects

me to foot the bill...). I hate to keep carping on the money end of it, but the

budget doesn't have a lot of flexibility - and her sense of entitlement is

astounding. She feels I " owe " her whatever goodies she wants because I've

" deprived " her by " putting her in a home. " Sort of like a kid demanding a

lollipop because they've had a flu shot. The fact that she's in there because

of her bizarre behavior just - escapes her. She truly doesn't comprehend that

she's just not able to live on her own. It's sad - but a big relief that

everybody else involved KNOWS she's mentally ill. I don't keep having to

explain it.

I'm way past any FOG about moving her to assisted living. The stress and dread

of visiting her are real, but knowing WHY she behaves this way really helps with

that. And yes, I try to be sure I time the visits so that there's decompression

time afterwards. My husband is also being pretty good about it - he just sits

and lets me vent for a while when I get home.

Annie - I think the " sainthood " thing would require that I do this stuff and

have a good attitude at the same time. The amount of carping I do pretty much

precludes beatification! Your description of your sister's " shields up "

behavior sounds exactly like what I do. No disagreements, no raised voices, no

volunteering of information or details, no sudden moves, don't let her close the

door so she could accuse me of anything, and leave the room if she raises her

voice - and I always let the staffers know I'm there to visit her. I think they

make a point of coming by after a few minutes, just to check in. When I said I

went in there " girded for battle " that was what I meant. I am very happy to

hear that your sister is getting her life back now. Good for her, and good for

you, too - and thanks for hanging around here with us, even now.

[Guest guest]

I've been away from the group for about a week, so this is a bit late, but

hopefully still timely.

Everything you wrote resonates with me, it's very similar. A few months ago,

she started in on me as soon as I arrived. I stood up, walked over to her bed

(she spends a lot of time in a reclining position on hospital bed), got in her

face and said, " I will not let you talk to me this way. " Turned around and went

home.

My nada is also in assisted living, and burning through the substantial money

from my dad's life insurance, savings and the sale of their home. She has some

physical limitations, exacerbated by years of demanding to be waited on and

taken care of. But the primary need is managing her behavior. It's costing

roughly $15,000 a month. When that runs out, she will likely be in a facility

not to her liking. Oh well....I do what I can.

Like your nada, she has the demands for shopping, new stuff etc. I live 200

miles away, and try to visit about every 6-8 weeks. I have power of attorney

etc. so I can pay for a motel and gas from her money(I used to make it a day

trip but the stress was just too much, jaw clenched both ways of the 3.5 hour

drives).

Anyway, I've solved a major problem by using online shopping whenever possible.

I don't know where your mom lives, but Safeway delivers. She gives me a

shopping list about every 2 weeks, I simply enter it online, pay with

debit/credit, and it gets delivered for a minimal charge. Walgreens also

delivers, as does Amazon and even Costco! Her heating pad bit the dust the

other day, I simply went online and ordered a new one. Whew!

She kept demanding cash, saying I wasn't giving her any, yet she'd gone through

several hundred dollars in four months. It was hard to get cash to her, so I

opened a small checking account with a debit card. Thinking she could go on the

weekly shopping outings from the assisted living. She refused to do that (why

do anything for yourself if you can get others to do it?) She's only used the

card to buy crap on QVC and to take out cash, that she then reports as " stolen " .

She barely leaves her room, preferring to have her meals delivered from the

dining room, so I don't know where she's stashing the cash. I'm not putting any

more into that account.

My sis flew up from another state and spent a few days with nada, who needs a

winter coat (not sure why, since she never leaves her room). Sis and I both

looked last year, but nada had a broken arm, we couldn't find a suitable coat.

Anyway, sis spends a fair amount of time shopping, finds one online. It

arrives, nada sends it back, and is still complaining about it, and leaving me

vm about buying her a coat. My response, " get on the facility van and go shop

for one yourself. "

It's so challenging! Annie described her sister, how she sort of went on medium

chill mode with their nada, I strive for that, not always successfully. When I

can get my partner or an adult child to go with me, it helps....

>

> Hi, folks - I've been away from here for several weeks, what with some

computer issues and the holidays, etc. I went to see my mother last night, and

feel the need for a " reality check-in " here, and to share what little bit of

insight I've gained today.

>

> Background - My mom is still at assisted living, I'm handling her bills and

making sure everything is paid (and yes, it's a financial struggle, because she

has no real income other than what goes to the assisted living place). She has

pulled a couple of stunts over the past few months which, if left uncorrected,

could have left me exposed to huge bills for her " retail therapy " - so I've had

to ask the A.L. home to curtail her trips to the store, manage her medications

more closely, and basically rein her in. I must work with the staff and manager

at the A.L. place to keep my mother safe, housed, and fed. The manager is very

good natured, but we both know that my mother could drive anybody crazy, and

that she will push against any boundary that is set. Nada just won't accept

that this is it. This is all there is. There's no place else for her to go.

She has run through all her " friends " and enablers, and nobody's going to take

her in. The place is clean and safe, fairly pleasant and non-institutional, and

it could have been far, far worse for her.

>

> So - knowing all this, having read the BPD literature, being fully steeped in

the KO mantras and girded for battle, I went over to give my mother some

spending money and pick up some out-of-season clothing. I have about got this

down to a once-a-month thing. Given the opportunity, I'd communicate with her

only by mail, but there are usually things she needs from storage, so I have to

go.

>

> The anxiety starts building from the minute she calls with her " list " of items

and needs. I live in a state of dread until the minute I leave her and head

home, free for another four weeks or so (or until she does something that

compels me to take action).

>

> So - I went to visit last night, take her some money, etc. The complaining

and belittling started immediately and covered everything from the soda I'd

brought her (wrong bottle type) to my parenting skills, to me being mean to her

by asking that she not be allowed to leave the facility without a staffer (this

was due to the aforementioned stunts she pulled, which could have allowed her to

run up large bills - which would then be dropped in my lap. No, thanks.)

>

> She does not acknowledge ANY responsibility for her own actions, sees nothing

wrong in what she did, and feels entitled (as always) to do whatever she wants,

when she wants, no matter what the consequences are. I held my tongue and

replied as civilly as I could (while not caving in to her demands). This went

on for about a half-hour until I said, " I'm going to leave before this gets

really ugly. " (I would add that when we are in her room, I keep the door propped

open. I don't want to be accused of abusing her.)

>

> I guess I drove about 25 miles back toward home before I realized that my jaw

was clenched, my hands were gripping the wheel, and I was worrying about what

she'd said. The last dozen miles home, I had to repeat, " She's crazy. Consider

the source. " But I was still totally wiped out by the time I got home - all the

adrenaline drained and I was as exhausted as if I'd moved furniture all day.

>

> So that's the latest report. The knowledge of BPD behaviors and coping

mechanisms helps. Having her in assisted living is crucial, as it limits the

damage she can do (not that it stops her from trying!). But it still wipes me

out, and I pray to be set free from her.

>

>

>