PTSD vs. anxiety disorder.

[Guest guest]

I have been wondering if I might be exhibiting symptoms of PTSD. I don't really

think I have anxiety.

my understanding of both is limited. mental health is too shameful to even be

taboo in my family. it simply does not exist.

I don't get anxious or worried with the kind of frequency that is normal for

anxiety. I do not have problems being around people. in fact people sooth me. at

least the nice ones... I can go into a social situation feeling insecure and

come out feeling wanted.

I do have anxiety, but it is only when things remind me of the past, or whenever

I have even limited exposure to Nada.

however I have some triggers. Sunday my husband completely innocently touched 2

at once, and I had what could be best described as a meltdown. I was shaking

sobbing and angy. it felt like all my pain was forcing itself out at once. I hid

in my room, and I could not controll it at all even with my kids trying to get

my attention. then I sort of went numb and shut down emotioanlly. I was still

randomly crying for the next 2 hours. it was just comming out, and I stayed

numb. it took me untill half way through the next day to feel emotional again. I

called my husband at work becasue I was desperate for support. he appologised

and listened to me and sypathised. and like the amazing guy he is he came home

and took us all to dinner.

I have strong reactions to triggers often. I can usually control them a little

by distracting myself.

sometimes I don't want to be touched, or hugged, and I startle and push my kids

away if I don't really make an effort. I hate it, it makes me feel so mean.

I am getting stuck thinking about things that happened, and I am terrified of

inevitable future doses of Nada. I feel overwhelmed often because she thinks she

needs to visit this summer for my husbands " graduation " I explained that in an

earlier post. he will not be graduating on a semester because he in not in

classes, or going to graduation which she can't seem to wrap her head around.

she still bugs me every week about plans. even though there will be no news for

at least 4 months, she still asks every week. I really don't want her to come. I

am at a loss how to tell her that because according to her everything is hunky

dory. if I ignore her calls she harasses me all week. it is just easier to get

it over with. it makes me feel so trapped.

I have been having trouble sleeping, something I have never had before. last

night I only got 3.5-4 hours. I normally have no trouble getting 7-8. I wake up

angry at Nada and sometimes other people in my Foo. I don't usually remember my

dreams, but when I do they are a conglomerate of bad memories mixed with my

anxiety and fears coming to life.

is it possible to display symptoms of PTSD years later? when I have not had them

in the years between?

I have had a few large traumas, but this seems to me to be a reaction to years

of fear, and feeling helpless, and trapped, not any one event. is that a cause

of PTSD or does it have to be one event?

I buried all of these feelings very deep for a long time. I have until very

recently questioned there existence.

it is so hard having a relationship with someone who thinks she has never done

anything wrong.

I really wish she would just leave me alone for a while.

should I tell my dad I don't want them to come or is too mean to make him deal

with it? I can't tell nada. I am too easy to manipulate. she has a way of

manipulating me so that I beg her to do whatever she wants just to get her to

back off.

I feel like my life is a double one. on the one hand I am happily married with

beautiful kids, and wonderful friends and hobbys, and on the other hand I am so

miserable. and I feel like I am building my self worth from the ground up. I

wish what I want mattered to her once in a while. I hate the pretense I am

expected to keep up. I want a mother who I can share life with, not fight to

hide myself from.

Meikjn

[Guest guest]

Meikjn, first HUGS this is such a difficult place to be at. Are you seeing a

therapist? If not it would be a really good idea to have someone trained in all

this help you through. I bet most all of us on this list have some form of

c-ptsd (complex ptsd)....I relate more to that one because it represents the

trauma created by the accumulation of all those painful events over years. To

me it sounds pretty likely you have this.

Something else that happens is that as you begin to feel safer, stronger, or

just learn more the repressed material starts to bubble up. This is pretty

normal and difficult too. And I say this as gently as I can, but for the sake

of your kids you need to get some help. These emotional roller coaster

reactions while *totally valid* given your situation is still affecting them.

Your healing is a gift to them as well as yourself.

Eliza

>

> I have been wondering if I might be exhibiting symptoms of PTSD. I don't

really think I have anxiety.

>

> my understanding of both is limited. mental health is too shameful to even be

taboo in my family. it simply does not exist.

>

> I don't get anxious or worried with the kind of frequency that is normal for

anxiety. I do not have problems being around people. in fact people sooth me. at

least the nice ones... I can go into a social situation feeling insecure and

come out feeling wanted.

>

> I do have anxiety, but it is only when things remind me of the past, or

whenever I have even limited exposure to Nada.

>

> however I have some triggers. Sunday my husband completely innocently touched

2 at once, and I had what could be best described as a meltdown. I was shaking

sobbing and angy. it felt like all my pain was forcing itself out at once. I hid

in my room, and I could not controll it at all even with my kids trying to get

my attention. then I sort of went numb and shut down emotioanlly. I was still

randomly crying for the next 2 hours. it was just comming out, and I stayed

numb. it took me untill half way through the next day to feel emotional again. I

called my husband at work becasue I was desperate for support. he appologised

and listened to me and sypathised. and like the amazing guy he is he came home

and took us all to dinner.

>

> I have strong reactions to triggers often. I can usually control them a little

by distracting myself.

>

> sometimes I don't want to be touched, or hugged, and I startle and push my

kids away if I don't really make an effort. I hate it, it makes me feel so mean.

>

> I am getting stuck thinking about things that happened, and I am terrified of

inevitable future doses of Nada. I feel overwhelmed often because she thinks she

needs to visit this summer for my husbands " graduation " I explained that in an

earlier post. he will not be graduating on a semester because he in not in

classes, or going to graduation which she can't seem to wrap her head around.

she still bugs me every week about plans. even though there will be no news for

at least 4 months, she still asks every week. I really don't want her to come. I

am at a loss how to tell her that because according to her everything is hunky

dory. if I ignore her calls she harasses me all week. it is just easier to get

it over with. it makes me feel so trapped.

>

> I have been having trouble sleeping, something I have never had before. last

night I only got 3.5-4 hours. I normally have no trouble getting 7-8. I wake up

angry at Nada and sometimes other people in my Foo. I don't usually remember my

dreams, but when I do they are a conglomerate of bad memories mixed with my

anxiety and fears coming to life.

>

> is it possible to display symptoms of PTSD years later? when I have not had

them in the years between?

>

> I have had a few large traumas, but this seems to me to be a reaction to years

of fear, and feeling helpless, and trapped, not any one event. is that a cause

of PTSD or does it have to be one event?

>

> I buried all of these feelings very deep for a long time. I have until very

recently questioned there existence.

> it is so hard having a relationship with someone who thinks she has never done

anything wrong.

>

> I really wish she would just leave me alone for a while.

>

> should I tell my dad I don't want them to come or is too mean to make him deal

with it? I can't tell nada. I am too easy to manipulate. she has a way of

manipulating me so that I beg her to do whatever she wants just to get her to

back off.

>

> I feel like my life is a double one. on the one hand I am happily married with

beautiful kids, and wonderful friends and hobbys, and on the other hand I am so

miserable. and I feel like I am building my self worth from the ground up. I

wish what I want mattered to her once in a while. I hate the pretense I am

expected to keep up. I want a mother who I can share life with, not fight to

hide myself from.

>

> Meikjn

>

[Guest guest]

I am going to therapy. I know i need it. I think that your second paragraph

nailed it. I am really healing, but I am in the hard part of healing, and

retraining my coping, and thought process. I am not going to do this to my kids.

I plan to keep my mistakes I make with them reasonable ones. and I am working on

long term plans to build them up. I am making homemade journals in which I will

record memories, stories, and things I love about them I am going to give them

to them on their 16th b-day. I am also making a conscientious effort to be

present for them. my nada ignored us most of the time. she spent the rest of the

time being overbearing and correcting us (or overpraising I did not get that

much). I agree I need help. I am just happy I can get it now without depending

on anyone else for it!

I really am getting better!

Meikjn

> >

> > I have been wondering if I might be exhibiting symptoms of PTSD. I don't

really think I have anxiety.

> >

> > my understanding of both is limited. mental health is too shameful to even

be taboo in my family. it simply does not exist.

> >

> > I don't get anxious or worried with the kind of frequency that is normal for

anxiety. I do not have problems being around people. in fact people sooth me. at

least the nice ones... I can go into a social situation feeling insecure and

come out feeling wanted.

> >

> > I do have anxiety, but it is only when things remind me of the past, or

whenever I have even limited exposure to Nada.

> >

> > however I have some triggers. Sunday my husband completely innocently

touched 2 at once, and I had what could be best described as a meltdown. I was

shaking sobbing and angy. it felt like all my pain was forcing itself out at

once. I hid in my room, and I could not controll it at all even with my kids

trying to get my attention. then I sort of went numb and shut down emotioanlly.

I was still randomly crying for the next 2 hours. it was just comming out, and I

stayed numb. it took me untill half way through the next day to feel emotional

again. I called my husband at work becasue I was desperate for support. he

appologised and listened to me and sypathised. and like the amazing guy he is he

came home and took us all to dinner.

> >

> > I have strong reactions to triggers often. I can usually control them a

little by distracting myself.

> >

> > sometimes I don't want to be touched, or hugged, and I startle and push my

kids away if I don't really make an effort. I hate it, it makes me feel so mean.

> >

> > I am getting stuck thinking about things that happened, and I am terrified

of inevitable future doses of Nada. I feel overwhelmed often because she thinks

she needs to visit this summer for my husbands " graduation " I explained that in

an earlier post. he will not be graduating on a semester because he in not in

classes, or going to graduation which she can't seem to wrap her head around.

she still bugs me every week about plans. even though there will be no news for

at least 4 months, she still asks every week. I really don't want her to come. I

am at a loss how to tell her that because according to her everything is hunky

dory. if I ignore her calls she harasses me all week. it is just easier to get

it over with. it makes me feel so trapped.

> >

> > I have been having trouble sleeping, something I have never had before. last

night I only got 3.5-4 hours. I normally have no trouble getting 7-8. I wake up

angry at Nada and sometimes other people in my Foo. I don't usually remember my

dreams, but when I do they are a conglomerate of bad memories mixed with my

anxiety and fears coming to life.

> >

> > is it possible to display symptoms of PTSD years later? when I have not had

them in the years between?

> >

> > I have had a few large traumas, but this seems to me to be a reaction to

years of fear, and feeling helpless, and trapped, not any one event. is that a

cause of PTSD or does it have to be one event?

> >

> > I buried all of these feelings very deep for a long time. I have until very

recently questioned there existence.

> > it is so hard having a relationship with someone who thinks she has never

done anything wrong.

> >

> > I really wish she would just leave me alone for a while.

> >

> > should I tell my dad I don't want them to come or is too mean to make him

deal with it? I can't tell nada. I am too easy to manipulate. she has a way of

manipulating me so that I beg her to do whatever she wants just to get her to

back off.

> >

> > I feel like my life is a double one. on the one hand I am happily married

with beautiful kids, and wonderful friends and hobbys, and on the other hand I

am so miserable. and I feel like I am building my self worth from the ground up.

I wish what I want mattered to her once in a while. I hate the pretense I am

expected to keep up. I want a mother who I can share life with, not fight to

hide myself from.

> >

> > Meikjn

> >

>

[Guest guest]

That is awesome you've found effective therapy - it takes lots of courage and

stamina to tackle these things. Can you imagine how wonderful it would have

been if our nadas had put even half the effort into change that we KO's put into

healing? I bet your kids will treasure those journals always.

Oh here's one idea to throw out there for you. A long time ago when I was in

group therapy a member said that he found taking a low dose of an

anti-depressant helped him do therapy work like putting on a protective

anti-fire suit and walking through the flames. I don't know if you are taking

anything but that might help reduce the intensity of the trigger reactions. On

the flip-side (and yes I can argue with myself ALL day long) if you take too

much you won't have enough access to your feelings to work them effectively.

Eliza

>

> I am going to therapy. I know i need it. I think that your second paragraph

nailed it. I am really healing, but I am in the hard part of healing, and

retraining my coping, and thought process. I am not going to do this to my kids.

I plan to keep my mistakes I make with them reasonable ones. and I am working on

long term plans to build them up. I am making homemade journals in which I will

record memories, stories, and things I love about them I am going to give them

to them on their 16th b-day. I am also making a conscientious effort to be

present for them. my nada ignored us most of the time. she spent the rest of the

time being overbearing and correcting us (or overpraising I did not get that

much). I agree I need help. I am just happy I can get it now without depending

on anyone else for it!

> I really am getting better!

> Meikjn

[Guest guest]

Hi Meikin,

I am sorry you are going through a rough time. I often find that I make my

biggest leaps forward after I have been forced to dig really deep to face the

kinds of difficult things you are talking about in this post.

I also know how hard it is to be called upon to be present for our children in

ways that our own mothers were not present for us. Sometimes it can bring up

tremendous grief, and then, it gets worse, because no one wants to feel grief

when they look at their own children, so you want to push that grief away. But

that is exhausting, because it takes a lot of energy to keep it at bay --like

you have to be vigilant against it and that creates a lot of anxiety.

I do not know if any of this fits for you. It is my intuition and my own

experience of being a mother of young children speaking.

It is hard not to see yourself in your children. By that, I mean it is hard not

to see (experience) the little you that you were when you were the age that they

now. It is hard not to feel sadness or sorrow as they need you and you try to

give them the things that your nada could not give you.

It really is okay to feel sad for yourself that you did not receive the loving

support that you should have. And even though you may feel grief or sadness or

anxiety when you interact with your children, and an urge to push them away, try

to remember that it isn't really about them. I suspect it is about feelings

that you had long ago that being their mother now is bringing up in you.

Feelings that need to get felt. Perhaps even feelings that you only have the

luxury to feel now because you do have the support of your husband. The

impression I have is that those feelings are kind of leaking out because you

have been trying to hold them back for a long time.

I am really glad you have found yourself an outlet to express them. I hope that

the therapist you are working with is empathic and gentle with you. Be gentle

with yourself too. I'm also so glad you have a supportive husband.

My own experience has been that on the other side of grief, is joy. It may not

feel like that in the short term, but if you can let yourself experience what

that little you could not afford to experience when you were little, you will

increasingly experience the joy of mothering the little creatures you and your

husband created and who love you so.

Warmly,

HC

>

> I have been wondering if I might be exhibiting symptoms of PTSD. I don't

really think I have anxiety.

>

> my understanding of both is limited. mental health is too shameful to even be

taboo in my family. it simply does not exist.

>

> I don't get anxious or worried with the kind of frequency that is normal for

anxiety. I do not have problems being around people. in fact people sooth me. at

least the nice ones... I can go into a social situation feeling insecure and

come out feeling wanted.

>

> I do have anxiety, but it is only when things remind me of the past, or

whenever I have even limited exposure to Nada.

>

> however I have some triggers. Sunday my husband completely innocently touched

2 at once, and I had what could be best described as a meltdown. I was shaking

sobbing and angy. it felt like all my pain was forcing itself out at once. I hid

in my room, and I could not controll it at all even with my kids trying to get

my attention. then I sort of went numb and shut down emotioanlly. I was still

randomly crying for the next 2 hours. it was just comming out, and I stayed

numb. it took me untill half way through the next day to feel emotional again. I

called my husband at work becasue I was desperate for support. he appologised

and listened to me and sypathised. and like the amazing guy he is he came home

and took us all to dinner.

>

> I have strong reactions to triggers often. I can usually control them a little

by distracting myself.

>

> sometimes I don't want to be touched, or hugged, and I startle and push my

kids away if I don't really make an effort. I hate it, it makes me feel so mean.

>

> I am getting stuck thinking about things that happened, and I am terrified of

inevitable future doses of Nada. I feel overwhelmed often because she thinks she

needs to visit this summer for my husbands " graduation " I explained that in an

earlier post. he will not be graduating on a semester because he in not in

classes, or going to graduation which she can't seem to wrap her head around.

she still bugs me every week about plans. even though there will be no news for

at least 4 months, she still asks every week. I really don't want her to come. I

am at a loss how to tell her that because according to her everything is hunky

dory. if I ignore her calls she harasses me all week. it is just easier to get

it over with. it makes me feel so trapped.

>

> I have been having trouble sleeping, something I have never had before. last

night I only got 3.5-4 hours. I normally have no trouble getting 7-8. I wake up

angry at Nada and sometimes other people in my Foo. I don't usually remember my

dreams, but when I do they are a conglomerate of bad memories mixed with my

anxiety and fears coming to life.

>

> is it possible to display symptoms of PTSD years later? when I have not had

them in the years between?

>

> I have had a few large traumas, but this seems to me to be a reaction to years

of fear, and feeling helpless, and trapped, not any one event. is that a cause

of PTSD or does it have to be one event?

>

> I buried all of these feelings very deep for a long time. I have until very

recently questioned there existence.

> it is so hard having a relationship with someone who thinks she has never done

anything wrong.

>

> I really wish she would just leave me alone for a while.

>

> should I tell my dad I don't want them to come or is too mean to make him deal

with it? I can't tell nada. I am too easy to manipulate. she has a way of

manipulating me so that I beg her to do whatever she wants just to get her to

back off.

>

> I feel like my life is a double one. on the one hand I am happily married with

beautiful kids, and wonderful friends and hobbys, and on the other hand I am so

miserable. and I feel like I am building my self worth from the ground up. I

wish what I want mattered to her once in a while. I hate the pretense I am

expected to keep up. I want a mother who I can share life with, not fight to

hide myself from.

>

> Meikjn

>

[Guest guest]

Big hugs Meikin & thank you HC that helped me a lot too.

LT

> >

> > I have been wondering if I might be exhibiting symptoms of PTSD. I don't

really think I have anxiety.

> >

> > my understanding of both is limited. mental health is too shameful to even

be taboo in my family. it simply does not exist.

> >

> > I don't get anxious or worried with the kind of frequency that is normal for

anxiety. I do not have problems being around people. in fact people sooth me. at

least the nice ones... I can go into a social situation feeling insecure and

come out feeling wanted.

> >

> > I do have anxiety, but it is only when things remind me of the past, or

whenever I have even limited exposure to Nada.

> >

> > however I have some triggers. Sunday my husband completely innocently

touched 2 at once, and I had what could be best described as a meltdown. I was

shaking sobbing and angy. it felt like all my pain was forcing itself out at

once. I hid in my room, and I could not controll it at all even with my kids

trying to get my attention. then I sort of went numb and shut down emotioanlly.

I was still randomly crying for the next 2 hours. it was just comming out, and I

stayed numb. it took me untill half way through the next day to feel emotional

again. I called my husband at work becasue I was desperate for support. he

appologised and listened to me and sypathised. and like the amazing guy he is he

came home and took us all to dinner.

> >

> > I have strong reactions to triggers often. I can usually control them a

little by distracting myself.

> >

> > sometimes I don't want to be touched, or hugged, and I startle and push my

kids away if I don't really make an effort. I hate it, it makes me feel so mean.

> >

> > I am getting stuck thinking about things that happened, and I am terrified

of inevitable future doses of Nada. I feel overwhelmed often because she thinks

she needs to visit this summer for my husbands " graduation " I explained that in

an earlier post. he will not be graduating on a semester because he in not in

classes, or going to graduation which she can't seem to wrap her head around.

she still bugs me every week about plans. even though there will be no news for

at least 4 months, she still asks every week. I really don't want her to come. I

am at a loss how to tell her that because according to her everything is hunky

dory. if I ignore her calls she harasses me all week. it is just easier to get

it over with. it makes me feel so trapped.

> >

> > I have been having trouble sleeping, something I have never had before. last

night I only got 3.5-4 hours. I normally have no trouble getting 7-8. I wake up

angry at Nada and sometimes other people in my Foo. I don't usually remember my

dreams, but when I do they are a conglomerate of bad memories mixed with my

anxiety and fears coming to life.

> >

> > is it possible to display symptoms of PTSD years later? when I have not had

them in the years between?

> >

> > I have had a few large traumas, but this seems to me to be a reaction to

years of fear, and feeling helpless, and trapped, not any one event. is that a

cause of PTSD or does it have to be one event?

> >

> > I buried all of these feelings very deep for a long time. I have until very

recently questioned there existence.

> > it is so hard having a relationship with someone who thinks she has never

done anything wrong.

> >

> > I really wish she would just leave me alone for a while.

> >

> > should I tell my dad I don't want them to come or is too mean to make him

deal with it? I can't tell nada. I am too easy to manipulate. she has a way of

manipulating me so that I beg her to do whatever she wants just to get her to

back off.

> >

> > I feel like my life is a double one. on the one hand I am happily married

with beautiful kids, and wonderful friends and hobbys, and on the other hand I

am so miserable. and I feel like I am building my self worth from the ground up.

I wish what I want mattered to her once in a while. I hate the pretense I am

expected to keep up. I want a mother who I can share life with, not fight to

hide myself from.

> >

> > Meikjn

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I am really pleased to hear that LT. It gives me tremendous pleasure to know

that we can reach out to help each other from our own experiences and that in

the process of doing so we can have a ripple effect and help others too. It is

sweet. Thank you for telling me.

Hugs,

HC

> > >

> > > I have been wondering if I might be exhibiting symptoms of PTSD. I don't

really think I have anxiety.

> > >

> > > my understanding of both is limited. mental health is too shameful to even

be taboo in my family. it simply does not exist.

> > >

> > > I don't get anxious or worried with the kind of frequency that is normal

for anxiety. I do not have problems being around people. in fact people sooth

me. at least the nice ones... I can go into a social situation feeling insecure

and come out feeling wanted.

> > >

> > > I do have anxiety, but it is only when things remind me of the past, or

whenever I have even limited exposure to Nada.

> > >

> > > however I have some triggers. Sunday my husband completely innocently

touched 2 at once, and I had what could be best described as a meltdown. I was

shaking sobbing and angy. it felt like all my pain was forcing itself out at

once. I hid in my room, and I could not controll it at all even with my kids

trying to get my attention. then I sort of went numb and shut down emotioanlly.

I was still randomly crying for the next 2 hours. it was just comming out, and I

stayed numb. it took me untill half way through the next day to feel emotional

again. I called my husband at work becasue I was desperate for support. he

appologised and listened to me and sypathised. and like the amazing guy he is he

came home and took us all to dinner.

> > >

> > > I have strong reactions to triggers often. I can usually control them a

little by distracting myself.

> > >

> > > sometimes I don't want to be touched, or hugged, and I startle and push my

kids away if I don't really make an effort. I hate it, it makes me feel so mean.

> > >

> > > I am getting stuck thinking about things that happened, and I am terrified

of inevitable future doses of Nada. I feel overwhelmed often because she thinks

she needs to visit this summer for my husbands " graduation " I explained that in

an earlier post. he will not be graduating on a semester because he in not in

classes, or going to graduation which she can't seem to wrap her head around.

she still bugs me every week about plans. even though there will be no news for

at least 4 months, she still asks every week. I really don't want her to come. I

am at a loss how to tell her that because according to her everything is hunky

dory. if I ignore her calls she harasses me all week. it is just easier to get

it over with. it makes me feel so trapped.

> > >

> > > I have been having trouble sleeping, something I have never had before.

last night I only got 3.5-4 hours. I normally have no trouble getting 7-8. I

wake up angry at Nada and sometimes other people in my Foo. I don't usually

remember my dreams, but when I do they are a conglomerate of bad memories mixed

with my anxiety and fears coming to life.

> > >

> > > is it possible to display symptoms of PTSD years later? when I have not

had them in the years between?

> > >

> > > I have had a few large traumas, but this seems to me to be a reaction to

years of fear, and feeling helpless, and trapped, not any one event. is that a

cause of PTSD or does it have to be one event?

> > >

> > > I buried all of these feelings very deep for a long time. I have until

very recently questioned there existence.

> > > it is so hard having a relationship with someone who thinks she has never

done anything wrong.

> > >

> > > I really wish she would just leave me alone for a while.

> > >

> > > should I tell my dad I don't want them to come or is too mean to make him

deal with it? I can't tell nada. I am too easy to manipulate. she has a way of

manipulating me so that I beg her to do whatever she wants just to get her to

back off.

> > >

> > > I feel like my life is a double one. on the one hand I am happily married

with beautiful kids, and wonderful friends and hobbys, and on the other hand I

am so miserable. and I feel like I am building my self worth from the ground up.

I wish what I want mattered to her once in a while. I hate the pretense I am

expected to keep up. I want a mother who I can share life with, not fight to

hide myself from.

> > >

> > > Meikjn

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

thanks. I do feel like I am getting stronger, but it is hard because some of

these feelings have been a part of my life for a very long time, but I have

fought them because I was taught that my feelings don't count or are not real,

and I am still fighting with that issue.

you are right. It is sometimes a real fight to give my kids what they need. I

would love to never be critical again unless absolutely necessary. it is

something I hope to achieve someday. my kids are amazing, and yes they have some

of the same troubles and characteristics I did. I am trying very hard not to

crush them.

a habit nada passed on to tons of the family is that you nag and shame someone

when they are not doing something they way you think is proper. then the person

receiving this crap has 2 choices give in and re-enforce the behavior and boost

the naggers ego. Or to ignore the nagging, and get tons of flack for it. it is a

toss up which is worse. especially because often the nagging is for things that

I would be doing anyway. you just can't win. this is something that is directed

at me more than anyone. some people in the family think I am slow.

I am trying really hard not to develop this trait. my husband and I have an

agreement that that will not be in our family.

I feel so much love and support here. thank you everyone. I just wish the

process was easier, and that the results were reliable.

Meikjn

> > > >

> > > > I have been wondering if I might be exhibiting symptoms of PTSD. I don't

really think I have anxiety.

> > > >

> > > > my understanding of both is limited. mental health is too shameful to

even be taboo in my family. it simply does not exist.

> > > >

> > > > I don't get anxious or worried with the kind of frequency that is normal

for anxiety. I do not have problems being around people. in fact people sooth

me. at least the nice ones... I can go into a social situation feeling insecure

and come out feeling wanted.

> > > >

> > > > I do have anxiety, but it is only when things remind me of the past, or

whenever I have even limited exposure to Nada.

> > > >

> > > > however I have some triggers. Sunday my husband completely innocently

touched 2 at once, and I had what could be best described as a meltdown. I was

shaking sobbing and angy. it felt like all my pain was forcing itself out at

once. I hid in my room, and I could not controll it at all even with my kids

trying to get my attention. then I sort of went numb and shut down emotioanlly.

I was still randomly crying for the next 2 hours. it was just comming out, and I

stayed numb. it took me untill half way through the next day to feel emotional

again. I called my husband at work becasue I was desperate for support. he

appologised and listened to me and sypathised. and like the amazing guy he is he

came home and took us all to dinner.

> > > >

> > > > I have strong reactions to triggers often. I can usually control them a

little by distracting myself.

> > > >

> > > > sometimes I don't want to be touched, or hugged, and I startle and push

my kids away if I don't really make an effort. I hate it, it makes me feel so

mean.

> > > >

> > > > I am getting stuck thinking about things that happened, and I am

terrified of inevitable future doses of Nada. I feel overwhelmed often because

she thinks she needs to visit this summer for my husbands " graduation " I

explained that in an earlier post. he will not be graduating on a semester

because he in not in classes, or going to graduation which she can't seem to

wrap her head around. she still bugs me every week about plans. even though

there will be no news for at least 4 months, she still asks every week. I really

don't want her to come. I am at a loss how to tell her that because according to

her everything is hunky dory. if I ignore her calls she harasses me all week.

it is just easier to get it over with. it makes me feel so trapped.

> > > >

> > > > I have been having trouble sleeping, something I have never had before.

last night I only got 3.5-4 hours. I normally have no trouble getting 7-8. I

wake up angry at Nada and sometimes other people in my Foo. I don't usually

remember my dreams, but when I do they are a conglomerate of bad memories mixed

with my anxiety and fears coming to life.

> > > >

> > > > is it possible to display symptoms of PTSD years later? when I have not

had them in the years between?

> > > >

> > > > I have had a few large traumas, but this seems to me to be a reaction to

years of fear, and feeling helpless, and trapped, not any one event. is that a

cause of PTSD or does it have to be one event?

> > > >

> > > > I buried all of these feelings very deep for a long time. I have until

very recently questioned there existence.

> > > > it is so hard having a relationship with someone who thinks she has

never done anything wrong.

> > > >

> > > > I really wish she would just leave me alone for a while.

> > > >

> > > > should I tell my dad I don't want them to come or is too mean to make

him deal with it? I can't tell nada. I am too easy to manipulate. she has a way

of manipulating me so that I beg her to do whatever she wants just to get her to

back off.

> > > >

> > > > I feel like my life is a double one. on the one hand I am happily

married with beautiful kids, and wonderful friends and hobbys, and on the other

hand I am so miserable. and I feel like I am building my self worth from the

ground up. I wish what I want mattered to her once in a while. I hate the

pretense I am expected to keep up. I want a mother who I can share life with,

not fight to hide myself from.

> > > >

> > > > Meikjn

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Meikin,

I added some responses in brackets below.

HC

> > > > >

> > > > > I have been wondering if I might be exhibiting symptoms of PTSD. I

don't really think I have anxiety.

> > > > >

> > > > > my understanding of both is limited. mental health is too shameful to

even be taboo in my family. it simply does not exist.

> > > > >

> > > > > I don't get anxious or worried with the kind of frequency that is

normal for anxiety. I do not have problems being around people. in fact people

sooth me. at least the nice ones... I can go into a social situation feeling

insecure and come out feeling wanted.

> > > > >

> > > > > I do have anxiety, but it is only when things remind me of the past,

or whenever I have even limited exposure to Nada.

> > > > >

> > > > > however I have some triggers. Sunday my husband completely innocently

touched 2 at once, and I had what could be best described as a meltdown. I was

shaking sobbing and angy. it felt like all my pain was forcing itself out at

once. I hid in my room, and I could not controll it at all even with my kids

trying to get my attention. then I sort of went numb and shut down emotioanlly.

I was still randomly crying for the next 2 hours. it was just comming out, and I

stayed numb. it took me untill half way through the next day to feel emotional

again. I called my husband at work becasue I was desperate for support. he

appologised and listened to me and sypathised. and like the amazing guy he is he

came home and took us all to dinner.

> > > > >

> > > > > I have strong reactions to triggers often. I can usually control them

a little by distracting myself.

> > > > >

> > > > > sometimes I don't want to be touched, or hugged, and I startle and

push my kids away if I don't really make an effort. I hate it, it makes me feel

so mean.

> > > > >

> > > > > I am getting stuck thinking about things that happened, and I am

terrified of inevitable future doses of Nada. I feel overwhelmed often because

she thinks she needs to visit this summer for my husbands " graduation " I

explained that in an earlier post. he will not be graduating on a semester

because he in not in classes, or going to graduation which she can't seem to

wrap her head around. she still bugs me every week about plans. even though

there will be no news for at least 4 months, she still asks every week. I really

don't want her to come. I am at a loss how to tell her that because according to

her everything is hunky dory. if I ignore her calls she harasses me all week.

it is just easier to get it over with. it makes me feel so trapped.

> > > > >

> > > > > I have been having trouble sleeping, something I have never had

before. last night I only got 3.5-4 hours. I normally have no trouble getting

7-8. I wake up angry at Nada and sometimes other people in my Foo. I don't

usually remember my dreams, but when I do they are a conglomerate of bad

memories mixed with my anxiety and fears coming to life.

> > > > >

> > > > > is it possible to display symptoms of PTSD years later? when I have

not had them in the years between?

> > > > >

> > > > > I have had a few large traumas, but this seems to me to be a reaction

to years of fear, and feeling helpless, and trapped, not any one event. is that

a cause of PTSD or does it have to be one event?

> > > > >

> > > > > I buried all of these feelings very deep for a long time. I have until

very recently questioned there existence.

> > > > > it is so hard having a relationship with someone who thinks she has

never done anything wrong.

> > > > >

> > > > > I really wish she would just leave me alone for a while.

> > > > >

> > > > > should I tell my dad I don't want them to come or is too mean to make

him deal with it? I can't tell nada. I am too easy to manipulate. she has a way

of manipulating me so that I beg her to do whatever she wants just to get her to

back off.

> > > > >

> > > > > I feel like my life is a double one. on the one hand I am happily

married with beautiful kids, and wonderful friends and hobbys, and on the other

hand I am so miserable. and I feel like I am building my self worth from the

ground up. I wish what I want mattered to her once in a while. I hate the

pretense I am expected to keep up. I want a mother who I can share life with,

not fight to hide myself from.

> > > > >

> > > > > Meikjn

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>