Guest guest Posted January 17, 2012 Report Share Posted January 17, 2012 Hi everyone. It's been a while since I've had to come to this group. I found closure and peace with myself (my mother has BPD). I'm back now to seek advice for my sister-in-law whom has become the object of her rage. Nada is now 85 and has moved in with my brother and sister-in-law. Things were perfectly lovely for about two weeks then all Hell broke loose. My SIL is such a wonderful, loving person, it is breaking my heart the why my mother is treating her. Nada has become 'deathly ill' (although she is perfectly healthy, (she just had a whole battery of tests and the doctors say there is nothing wrong with her and she will probably live to be 100). She refuses to eat SIL's cooking although she is a great cook. I think Nada is jealous of the fact that SIL's cooking is better than hers. She is putting my SIL through emotional Hell. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 18, 2012 Report Share Posted January 18, 2012 No one deserves to be abused. I really feel for your sister in law. The obvious answer is that the sister in law and the mother in law should be separated. I hope for her sake they can arrange this. Good luck! > ** > > > Hi everyone. It's been a while since I've had to come to this group. I > found closure and peace with myself (my mother has BPD). I'm back now to > seek advice for my sister-in-law whom has become the object of her rage. > Nada is now 85 and has moved in with my brother and sister-in-law. Things > were perfectly lovely for about two weeks then all Hell broke loose. My SIL > is such a wonderful, loving person, it is breaking my heart the why my > mother is treating her. Nada has become 'deathly ill' (although she is > perfectly healthy, (she just had a whole battery of tests and the doctors > say there is nothing wrong with her and she will probably live to be 100). > She refuses to eat SIL's cooking although she is a great cook. I think Nada > is jealous of the fact that SIL's cooking is better than hers. She is > putting my SIL through emotional Hell. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 18, 2012 Report Share Posted January 18, 2012 My own personal advice is to suggest to your brother and his wife that they find some way to relocate your nada into a nice, clean, well-run assisted care community instead of caring for her in their home. Perhaps your brother and his wife can use the fact that nada is so blatantly, miserably unhappy living with them in their home, explaining that it would be less stressful and healthier *for nada* if she had her own place at an assisted care residence. Basically, the approach is, " You know mom, you are right. Wife and I really aren't able to care for your needs the way you would like, and its making you very unhappy. Feeling so stressed out isn't good for your health. You are used to having your own place, so living here doesn't feel comfortable to you. So, here are three different assisted care communities that are very near here; we can go visit them in the coming weekends and see which one you like best... etc. " But if that is simply not an option for financial reasons, then, I suggest that your brother and his wife look into the idea of hiring a part-time elder-care-giver to basically " babysit " nada during the day, cook for her, take her places, keep her entertained, etc., for two or three days a week in order to give your sister in law a break. Care-giving for an angry, hostile, controlling, or demanding, whiny, childish, or perfectionistic, manipulative, intrusive, toxic elderly personaltity-disordered parent is NOT a one-person job. Being our nada's part-time care-giver nearly burned my Sister out emotionally, and sent her to a therapist; Sister at one point was close to having a nervous breakdown. I was nada's full-time caregiver for three months once (about 12 years ago when nada needed a major operation) and felt nearly suicidally depressed and drained of all life and joy at the end of those three months. I also recommend that you suggest to your sister in law to read and try the " Medium Chill " tactic, which is about erecting a protective emotional " shield " when dealing with difficult, pd people. The idea of Medium Chill is to help you not take the provoking things they say very seriously or personally, and remain polite but non-responsive to attacks or whining or other manipulations. Also, there are Internet support groups similar to this one, providing emotional support for care-givers who are caring for elderly parents, or parents with dementia or other chronic illnesses; such sites offer tips and suggestions and advice for care-givers. Burn-out is a big, big issue for caregivers of elderly parents who have dementia or other mental illnesses. I hope that helps. -Annie > > Hi everyone. It's been a while since I've had to come to this group. I found closure and peace with myself (my mother has BPD). I'm back now to seek advice for my sister-in-law whom has become the object of her rage. Nada is now 85 and has moved in with my brother and sister-in-law. Things were perfectly lovely for about two weeks then all Hell broke loose. My SIL is such a wonderful, loving person, it is breaking my heart the why my mother is treating her. Nada has become 'deathly ill' (although she is perfectly healthy, (she just had a whole battery of tests and the doctors say there is nothing wrong with her and she will probably live to be 100). She refuses to eat SIL's cooking although she is a great cook. I think Nada is jealous of the fact that SIL's cooking is better than hers. She is putting my SIL through emotional Hell. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 18, 2012 Report Share Posted January 18, 2012 this is good advice. Of course the other thing is that this will cause your nada to cave for a bit about her behavior until it builds up too much and she erupts again and it becomes a vicious cycle. that would in some ways be worse. Your brother and SIL should be prepared for the full court press of promises of good behavior and limited time good behavior while she suppresses her rage. In other words, they need to make alternate care plans and stick to them no matter what crap nada pulls. I feel for them. C Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.