New

[Guest guest]

oops that should be completing the school. Sheesh, not too good a start eh?

new

Hi,

I guess I should introduce myself. I am Ruth, usually just go by Ru. I am

thinking about becoming an MT. Currently I am an RN, but dissatisfied with both

my career path and paycheck. I work OB in Public Health, mostly education,

assessment and referrals to OB Docs, usually in Spanish. Its not bad as jobs go,

just unfulfilling. (though MUCH better than when I was a floor nurse.) I am

contemplating enrolling in the s school, it seems to have a good

reputation and solid assistance when it comes time to work.

I am looking to work part time, from home (but not as a home business) after

contemplating the school. Does this sound feasible?

Do nationals allow part time?

I have been conversing with a few very helpful individuals from the MT chat

web site, and have already learned a lot. Looking forward to hearing from y'all.

Any thoughts, comments, or ideas are welcome.

Ru

---

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[Guest guest]

Hi

I'm new to this. I've just started to set some strong boundaries with my BPD

mother and she's had a meltdown about it. I have played the submissive oldest

daughter role for a long time until this last year, deluding myself that she

would get better, however I haven't been able to do it anymore and she is really

acting out and calling me for everything, writing to me, texting me etc. I'm

trying not to fan the flames but she keeps asking me when I'm coming to see her.

What is a good way to say no to her without upsetting her too much? I need some

space at the moment in coming to terms with my marriage breakdown and

acknowledging my mother will never change and be there emotionally for me.

[Guest guest]

I really feel for you. If she isn't there for you why are you there for

her? Is is awful having this sort of parent. Good luck! I hope it gets

better.

> **

>

>

> Hi

> I'm new to this. I've just started to set some strong boundaries with my

> BPD mother and she's had a meltdown about it. I have played the submissive

> oldest daughter role for a long time until this last year, deluding myself

> that she would get better, however I haven't been able to do it anymore and

> she is really acting out and calling me for everything, writing to me,

> texting me etc. I'm trying not to fan the flames but she keeps asking me

> when I'm coming to see her. What is a good way to say no to her without

> upsetting her too much? I need some space at the moment in coming to terms

> with my marriage breakdown and acknowledging my mother will never change

> and be there emotionally for me.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

amwe69, Welcome to Oz

there is really no way to say no to a PD and not upset them. All they hear is NO

and it can throw them into a tizzy. these are some things that have helped me.

feel free to borrow and modify the ones that resonate,

Just because she calls does not mean you have to answer...as a matter of fact I

don't even check messages when I am tired or busy, because I tend to make poor

choices when I do that. Some times it helps if you give your them a time frame

of when you will contact them. i.e. I will call you once a week or every other

day, whatever. I suggest not giving them a very specific time, because they will

be loaded for bear when you call and ready to unload on you.

It is okay to need your own time and space for your needs. " Mom, I need time to

heal and reflect and I just don't have the energy to talk to or support ANYONE

right now " (it always helps to let them think that they are not the only person

you aren't talking to so as not to trigger their abandonment issues) IF she gets

upset about that, resist the impulse to Justify, Explain or Defend your

position, just restate your need for alone time and if she continues excuse

yourself from the conversation. " Mom, I can see that this is upsetting for you.

perhaps we can talk another time. Goodby " click.

As someone that is currently dealing with the death of my spouse AND a BPD

mother that made my life very difficult during an already intolerable time, I

can relate. I sometimes resent that I am having to spend more time on how to

best deal with her than with my own loss.

If you haven't already checked out some of the terrific books out there or don't

already know of them, there is Randi's new one...The Family Guide to Personality

Disorders I have been reading that one on my iPad. there is Understanding the

Borderline Mother and Randi's other book Stop Walkin on Eggshells.

I hope you find some help and support here.

C

[Guest guest]

This advice sounds so good. Wow these people are really hard to take.

> **

>

>

> amwe69, Welcome to Oz

>

> there is really no way to say no to a PD and not upset them. All they hear

> is NO and it can throw them into a tizzy. these are some things that have

> helped me. feel free to borrow and modify the ones that resonate,

>

> Just because she calls does not mean you have to answer...as a matter of

> fact I don't even check messages when I am tired or busy, because I tend to

> make poor choices when I do that. Some times it helps if you give your them

> a time frame of when you will contact them. i.e. I will call you once a

> week or every other day, whatever. I suggest not giving them a very

> specific time, because they will be loaded for bear when you call and ready

> to unload on you.

>

> It is okay to need your own time and space for your needs. " Mom, I need

> time to heal and reflect and I just don't have the energy to talk to or

> support ANYONE right now " (it always helps to let them think that they are

> not the only person you aren't talking to so as not to trigger their

> abandonment issues) IF she gets upset about that, resist the impulse to

> Justify, Explain or Defend your position, just restate your need for alone

> time and if she continues excuse yourself from the conversation. " Mom, I

> can see that this is upsetting for you. perhaps we can talk another time.

> Goodby " click.

>

> As someone that is currently dealing with the death of my spouse AND a BPD

> mother that made my life very difficult during an already intolerable time,

> I can relate. I sometimes resent that I am having to spend more time on how

> to best deal with her than with my own loss.

>

> If you haven't already checked out some of the terrific books out there or

> don't already know of them, there is Randi's new one...The Family Guide to

> Personality Disorders I have been reading that one on my iPad. there is

> Understanding the Borderline Mother and Randi's other book Stop Walkin on

> Eggshells.

>

> I hope you find some help and support here.

>

> C

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for the great advice. It really is a great comfort knowing there are

others out there that understand.

>

> amwe69, Welcome to Oz

>

> there is really no way to say no to a PD and not upset them. All they hear is

NO and it can throw them into a tizzy. these are some things that have helped

me. feel free to borrow and modify the ones that resonate,

>

> Just because she calls does not mean you have to answer...as a matter of fact

I don't even check messages when I am tired or busy, because I tend to make poor

choices when I do that. Some times it helps if you give your them a time frame

of when you will contact them. i.e. I will call you once a week or every other

day, whatever. I suggest not giving them a very specific time, because they will

be loaded for bear when you call and ready to unload on you.

>

> It is okay to need your own time and space for your needs. " Mom, I need time

to heal and reflect and I just don't have the energy to talk to or support

ANYONE right now " (it always helps to let them think that they are not the only

person you aren't talking to so as not to trigger their abandonment issues) IF

she gets upset about that, resist the impulse to Justify, Explain or Defend your

position, just restate your need for alone time and if she continues excuse

yourself from the conversation. " Mom, I can see that this is upsetting for you.

perhaps we can talk another time. Goodby " click.

>

> As someone that is currently dealing with the death of my spouse AND a BPD

mother that made my life very difficult during an already intolerable time, I

can relate. I sometimes resent that I am having to spend more time on how to

best deal with her than with my own loss.

>

> If you haven't already checked out some of the terrific books out there or

don't already know of them, there is Randi's new one...The Family Guide to

Personality Disorders I have been reading that one on my iPad. there is

Understanding the Borderline Mother and Randi's other book Stop Walkin on

Eggshells.

>

> I hope you find some help and support here.

>

>

> C

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks CmeBfree. I took your advice and stayed calm on the phone to my mother.

The issue that has sent her off at the moment is Chrsitmas. She wanted me to be

there the whole day and help her serve morning tea, lunch, etc. (Good dutiful

daughter etc.) However I still get on well enough with my ex and his brother and

wife and they wanted me to spend half the day with them and their kids. My son

was so happy about this because he has spent every christmas with my mother and

family as I have not wanted to make any waves in the past by suggesting that I

share my time with anyone else. So I had told her we would be coming to morning

tea and then travelling to see my ex's family. She seemed okish about it. But

after Christmas all hell broke loose and she called me for everything. She

admonished me for being selfish and telling her what I was doing instead of

asking her etc etc. Usually I would have backed down but this time I did't I had

had enough of her melodrama. So I argued with her about a couple of issues such

as splitting (my brothers and sister and I don't have great relationships) my

siblings and I. She had no idea what I was talking about and went to hurt waif

mode.

Anyway long story short she said some very hurtful things about how she was

going to tell my siblings about how I'd upset her and caused all the fights in

the family.

I've been trying to work up the courage to say to her I need a break to get over

this which I did today and of course she was at it again. I'm now struggling

with feeling alone and that my family are going to be annoyed by this latest

round of drama from her and they will blame me. In my heart I know I've done the

right thing. How do you cope specifically with the aftershock of a bad phone

call? I'm sure it must get better and easier with time. Thanks in advance for

your advice.

>

> amwe69, Welcome to Oz

>

> there is really no way to say no to a PD and not upset them. All they hear is

NO and it can throw them into a tizzy. these are some things that have helped

me. feel free to borrow and modify the ones that resonate,

>

> Just because she calls does not mean you have to answer...as a matter of fact

I don't even check messages when I am tired or busy, because I tend to make poor

choices when I do that. Some times it helps if you give your them a time frame

of when you will contact them. i.e. I will call you once a week or every other

day, whatever. I suggest not giving them a very specific time, because they will

be loaded for bear when you call and ready to unload on you.

>

> It is okay to need your own time and space for your needs. " Mom, I need time

to heal and reflect and I just don't have the energy to talk to or support

ANYONE right now " (it always helps to let them think that they are not the only

person you aren't talking to so as not to trigger their abandonment issues) IF

she gets upset about that, resist the impulse to Justify, Explain or Defend your

position, just restate your need for alone time and if she continues excuse

yourself from the conversation. " Mom, I can see that this is upsetting for you.

perhaps we can talk another time. Goodby " click.

>

> As someone that is currently dealing with the death of my spouse AND a BPD

mother that made my life very difficult during an already intolerable time, I

can relate. I sometimes resent that I am having to spend more time on how to

best deal with her than with my own loss.

>

> If you haven't already checked out some of the terrific books out there or

don't already know of them, there is Randi's new one...The Family Guide to

Personality Disorders I have been reading that one on my iPad. there is

Understanding the Borderline Mother and Randi's other book Stop Walkin on

Eggshells.

>

> I hope you find some help and support here.

>

>

> C

>

[Guest guest]

I think what I meant to identify is that reeling feeling. My mother (and now my

father) has berated me and I'm reeling from it. I'm struggling with what I need

at this point because she leaves me feeling disabled. My energy is drained and I

find it hard to get on with what I need to do. Any practical advice when this

happens?

> >

> > amwe69, Welcome to Oz

> >

> > there is really no way to say no to a PD and not upset them. All they hear

is NO and it can throw them into a tizzy. these are some things that have helped

me. feel free to borrow and modify the ones that resonate,

> >

> > Just because she calls does not mean you have to answer...as a matter of

fact I don't even check messages when I am tired or busy, because I tend to make

poor choices when I do that. Some times it helps if you give your them a time

frame of when you will contact them. i.e. I will call you once a week or every

other day, whatever. I suggest not giving them a very specific time, because

they will be loaded for bear when you call and ready to unload on you.

> >

> > It is okay to need your own time and space for your needs. " Mom, I need time

to heal and reflect and I just don't have the energy to talk to or support

ANYONE right now " (it always helps to let them think that they are not the only

person you aren't talking to so as not to trigger their abandonment issues) IF

she gets upset about that, resist the impulse to Justify, Explain or Defend your

position, just restate your need for alone time and if she continues excuse

yourself from the conversation. " Mom, I can see that this is upsetting for you.

perhaps we can talk another time. Goodby " click.

> >

> > As someone that is currently dealing with the death of my spouse AND a BPD

mother that made my life very difficult during an already intolerable time, I

can relate. I sometimes resent that I am having to spend more time on how to

best deal with her than with my own loss.

> >

> > If you haven't already checked out some of the terrific books out there or

don't already know of them, there is Randi's new one...The Family Guide to

Personality Disorders I have been reading that one on my iPad. there is

Understanding the Borderline Mother and Randi's other book Stop Walkin on

Eggshells.

> >

> > I hope you find some help and support here.

> >

> >

> > C

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, withdraw from them and if you are getting flack from the siblings then cut

them loose for a bit too. sounds like they really aren't there for you anyway.

Getting a good Therapist is probably a good thing. Even if you have real life

people that understand where you are at, if they don't have this issue in their

own lives, they just can't get it and understand on the level that you really

need right now. I'm glad you gave your son time with (I am assuming) his father

and father's family. You did the right thing and you know that on some level

yourself, but you are an adult and your plans are yours to make and you in no

way need to ASK your mother about making YOUR PLANS. Jeesh. You know she is

being completely unreasonable.

It really doesn't sound like you have enough of a support system in place right

now and you really need one. Look for a therapist, soon. I know it is hard to

find support groups for our issues. I know I did a class here that is sponsored

by NAMI called Family to Family. It is for loved ones of those with mental

illnesses. I'm not sure where you are or if you are even in this country (USA)

but if you are I am sure there is a local NAMI in your area. It addressed

numerous mental illnesses, not just personality disorders, but bi-polar,

schizophrenia, etcetera. It was helpful just to know that I was not the only

person out there. It gave me a place that I could say an answer other than

" FINE " when I was asked how I was doing and not feel bad about telling the

truth. Or as the spouse of bi-polar man said, " I like that I can come here and

tell people that my husband had a manic episode and tore out a wall in the house

and it doesn't stop conversation dead in its tracks! "

You need more support than you are getting to not continue getting beat down by

your mother and the abusive behavior she is throwing at you. You need that

support to heal and get stronger and not end up " reeling " from attacks and start

establishing good boundaries and people that will support your decision to

protect yourself while you do it. Just my opinion, but there it is.

C

> > >

> > > amwe69, Welcome to Oz

> > >

> > > there is really no way to say no to a PD and not upset them. All they hear

is NO and it can throw them into a tizzy. these are some things that have helped

me. feel free to borrow and modify the ones that resonate,

> > >

> > > Just because she calls does not mean you have to answer...as a matter of

fact I don't even check messages when I am tired or busy, because I tend to make

poor choices when I do that. Some times it helps if you give your them a time

frame of when you will contact them. i.e. I will call you once a week or every

other day, whatever. I suggest not giving them a very specific time, because

they will be loaded for bear when you call and ready to unload on you.

> > >

> > > It is okay to need your own time and space for your needs. " Mom, I need

time to heal and reflect and I just don't have the energy to talk to or support

ANYONE right now " (it always helps to let them think that they are not the only

person you aren't talking to so as not to trigger their abandonment issues) IF

she gets upset about that, resist the impulse to Justify, Explain or Defend your

position, just restate your need for alone time and if she continues excuse

yourself from the conversation. " Mom, I can see that this is upsetting for you.

perhaps we can talk another time. Goodby " click.

> > >

> > > As someone that is currently dealing with the death of my spouse AND a BPD

mother that made my life very difficult during an already intolerable time, I

can relate. I sometimes resent that I am having to spend more time on how to

best deal with her than with my own loss.

> > >

> > > If you haven't already checked out some of the terrific books out there or

don't already know of them, there is Randi's new one...The Family Guide to

Personality Disorders I have been reading that one on my iPad. there is

Understanding the Borderline Mother and Randi's other book Stop Walkin on

Eggshells.

> > >

> > > I hope you find some help and support here.

> > >

> > >

> > > C

> > >

> >

>