Re: depressed by the emotionally absent mother

[Guest guest]

Hi Eliza,

I want to reach out and give you a huge hug. I know how you feel and even though

I did have a mother figure in my grandmother do I feel the isolation and the

absence of so much childhood. An absent mother is not fair and hurts (a lot).

I hope you can find some peace and understanding soon to help you heal.

LT

>

> Hi all, I've just started reading the book " The Emotionally Absent Mother " by

Jasmin Cori and wow is it painful. I'm only on chapter three and it is tough

going. Just reading the descriptions of what a good mother is supposed to

provide her child and over and over going, nope, not that one, not that one, no

way in hell, that'd never happen over and over. Stuff like mirroring,

protection, nurturing, encouragement, etc. It brings up so much pain to remember

that I felt like an orphan emotionally growing up and I still do today. And

all those " substitute " mothers I keep hearing about...well I never managed to

find any of them to fill the holes either. I feel dysfunctional as hell. I

skipped ahead and read her description about what type of therapist/therapy can

help and it's what I've been looking for my whole life - but I've gone through

so many therapists and it just never happens.

>

> Sorry for such a downer of a post...maybe I'll feel better reading later

chapters.

>

> Eliza

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Eliza,

I understand exactly what you are feeling and you don't have to apologize for

feeling depressed. What you are talking about is really tough stuff.

It is simply undeniably heart-breaking to experience the weight of knowing that

you missed out on being witnessed in an protective and loving way as an innocent

child who desperately needed that like all children do.

It is one of those things that there are almost no words to express because it

is the absence of an experience that you never had. And then when you stumble

on someone clearly articulating what the presence of it is supposed to look and

feel like, you sort of grieve what you didn't know you lost until that moment.

I really get it and I've also gone through it myself.

It wasn't until I was in my late 30's and pregnant with my second child that I

found a therapist who was gifted enough to help me with this one and I had gone

through many before her. It wasn't like the others were full out bad, but it

takes a really special person to understand this stuff and the also the

connection between you has be right.

I may be able to help you zero in on the right person if you wanted me to. I

could probably also recommend a number of books wherein the author gives you

something of the experience of being witnessed in a sort of therapeutic way as

opposed to in a descriptive way.

Anyway, at the very least, I wanted you to know that there is another soul out

there who really understands what you are talking about.

HC

o oups.com, " eliza92@... " wrote:

>

> Hi all, I've just started reading the book " The Emotionally Absent Mother " by

Jasmin Cori and wow is it painful. I'm only on chapter three and it is tough

going. Just reading thscriptions of what a good mother is supposed to provide

her child and over and over going, nope, not that one, not that one, no way in

hell, that'd never happen over and over. Stuff like mirroring, protection,

nurturing, encouragement, etc. It brings up so much pain to remember that ll I

felt like an orphan emotionally growing up and I still do today. And all those

" substitute " mothers I keep hearing about...well I never managed to find any of

them to fill the holes either. I feel dysfunctional as hell. I skipped ahead

and read her description about what type of therapist/therapy can help and it's

what I've been looking for my whole life - but I've gone through so many

therapists and it just never happens.

>

> Sorry for such a downer of a post...maybe I'll feel better reading later

chapters.

>

> Eliza

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks LT, I hope for that peace and understanding too - the book seems really

insightful so maybe as I get farther into it it'll help. I think all of us

KO's feel we got an unfair deal, but somehow reading exactly what was missing

and the impact on me *as an adult* now is really sobering.

Eliza

>

> Hi Eliza,

>

> I want to reach out and give you a huge hug. I know how you feel and even

though I did have a mother figure in my grandmother do I feel the isolation and

the absence of so much childhood. An absent mother is not fair and hurts (a

lot).

>

> I hope you can find some peace and understanding soon to help you heal.

>

> LT

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks HC - I'd be interested in those books for sure. As for therapy I'm not

ready to take the plunge again for a while yet. This book I'm reading now

helped me to see why previous therapists haven't worked though. A therapist has

to have special skill with working on the interaction with the client - not just

working with the problems the client brings to therapy. The book has a number

of chapters about how to heal outside therapy that I'm going to try out.

Thanks,

Eliza

>

> Hi Eliza,

>

> I understand exactly what you are feeling and you don't have to apologize for

feeling depressed. What you are talking about is really tough stuff.

>

> It is simply undeniably heart-breaking to experience the weight of knowing

that you missed out on being witnessed in an protective and loving way as an

innocent child who desperately needed that like all children do.

>

> It is one of those things that there are almost no words to express because it

is the absence of an experience that you never had. And then when you stumble

on someone clearly articulating what the presence of it is supposed to look and

feel like, you sort of grieve what you didn't know you lost until that moment.

I really get it and I've also gone through it myself.

>

> It wasn't until I was in my late 30's and pregnant with my second child that I

found a therapist who was gifted enough to help me with this one and I had gone

through many before her. It wasn't like the others were full out bad, but it

takes a really special person to understand this stuff and the also the

connection between you has be right.

>

> I may be able to help you zero in on the right person if you wanted me to. I

could probably also recommend a number of books wherein the author gives you

something of the experience of being witnessed in a sort of therapeutic way as

opposed to in a descriptive way.

>

> Anyway, at the very least, I wanted you to know that there is another soul out

there who really understands what you are talking about.

>

> HC

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Eliza,

I have a wee reading list for you as you indicated being interested.

As you read these books just imagine that you are being parented by these wise

and compassionate people who happen to be the authors; you could just as easily

have been born to one of them. Just as you can now chose to become who you want

to be. I'm not saying it is easy, but I am saying it is possible.

Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach

Loving Kindness by Sharon Salzberg

Care of the Soul by

The Wise Heart by Jack Kornfield

If these don't do it for you, let me know and I will recommend others. Each of

these were influential for me in different ways, but no one book is right for

everyone.

Keep me posted if you want to.

Happy reading,

HC

> >

> > Hi all, I've just started reading the book " The Emotionally Absent Mother "

by Jasmin Cori and wow is it painful. I'm only on chapter three and it is tough

going. Just reading thscriptions of what a good mother is supposed to provide

her child and over and over going, nope, not that one, not that one, no way in

hell, that'd never happen over and over. Stuff like mirroring, protection,

nurturing, encouragement, etc. It brings up so much pain to remember that ll I

felt like an orphan emotionally growing up and I still do today. And all those

" substitute " mothers I keep hearing about...well I never managed to find any of

them to fill the holes either. I feel dysfunctional as hell. I skipped ahead

and read her description about what type of therapist/therapy can help and it's

what I've been looking for my whole life - but I've gone through so many

therapists and it just never happens.

> >

> > Sorry for such a downer of a post...maybe I'll feel better reading later

chapters.

> >

> > Eliza

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Eliza,

I know how hard it feels not to have a mother or mother figure in your life. It

leaves a hole in your heart not having that support and love. Some days are

better then others. What has helped me is by investing more into my self and by

give my self more love. I treat me self to a class (like yoga), a message, a fun

night out with my girlfriends, or I start something I have always wanted to do

or learn. I find by investing in my self it helps makes that need for a mother

figure shrink and ,self esteem grows.

Hugs

Sent from my BlackBerry® device on the Simple Mobile network

depressed by the emotionally absent mother

Hi all, I've just started reading the book " The Emotionally Absent Mother " by

Jasmin Cori and wow is it painful. I'm only on chapter three and it is tough

going. Just reading the descriptions of what a good mother is supposed to

provide her child and over and over going, nope, not that one, not that one, no

way in hell, that'd never happen over and over. Stuff like mirroring,

protection, nurturing, encouragement, etc. It brings up so much pain to remember

that I felt like an orphan emotionally growing up and I still do today. And

all those " substitute " mothers I keep hearing about...well I never managed to

find any of them to fill the holes either. I feel dysfunctional as hell. I

skipped ahead and read her description about what type of therapist/therapy can

help and it's what I've been looking for my whole life - but I've gone through

so many therapists and it just never happens.

Sorry for such a downer of a post...maybe I'll feel better reading later

chapters.

Eliza

[Guest guest]

Hi Eliza

You're not alone, I struggle with putting the absence of a normal mother into a

context that doesn't make me feel low. I battle with my anger and often look at

my friends and others around me and pine for a heathly and happy mother-

daughter relationship. My sister internalizes everything and drinks herself

silly. It is so sad.

However, for me just being present on this site sharing my emotions and

experiences is allowing me the opportunity to feel better. For years I have

taken anti-depressants and never dealt with the core of my depression. However,

at this moment in my life I feel relieved to know I'm not crazy and NOT

responsible for my nada's inability to mother me with unconditional love.

Through education of BPD I am actually starting to see that my depression is my

bodies way of saying something isn't right and needs attention. Remember that

scene in 'good will hunting' when the therapists says to will 'it's not your

fault, it's not your fault' and he breaks down in tears. Well I have had that

sense of relief just recently.

I guess I see now that I have options. I can feel angry, depressed and pine and

never lead a happy and productive life. OR, I can take all that negativity and

throw it over a cliff and start a new road, to a new place that is full of joy.

I keep telling myself 'I deserve to be happy'. I cannot change my past but only

use it as a reminder of my resilience, sensitivity and yearning to be happy! I

think my nada loves me, but is incapable in her present state of showing it.

I'll never be a child again but I owe it to myself, my husband and my children

to create a life that is fruitful.

Eliza (that's my daughter's name) you and only you can make the change and

everyday is a challenge. You're not alone, but you CAN do it. I watched senator

Gifford this week and thought to myself anything can be overcome, I just have to

commit to change. My childhood can be compared to a bullet in the head. I'm not

dead though, I have a chance to recover and I am on the right road.

I look at my resilience and see that I have used major goals to keep me in touch

with myself. When I graduated with my MBA, my nada told me I was wasting my time

as no one would want to employ me at 38 years old. When I ran a marathon, my

nada told me I was damaging my body as I was too big! I'm of the mind set that

she will not dictate my adulthood and cannot stop me from living. I had no

choice as a minor, but now its all up to me. My nada will never be what I

deserve, so I am going to have to be good to myself and focus on the people in

my world that bring positivity and hope.

It's a new day,,,and am starting to feel good!

Mel x

>

> Eliza,

>

> I know how hard it feels not to have a mother or mother figure in your life.

It leaves a hole in your heart not having that support and love. Some days are

better then others. What has helped me is by investing more into my self and by

give my self more love. I treat me self to a class (like yoga), a message, a fun

night out with my girlfriends, or I start something I have always wanted to do

or learn. I find by investing in my self it helps makes that need for a mother

figure shrink and ,self esteem grows.

>

> Hugs

>

>

> Sent from my BlackBerry® device on the Simple Mobile network

>

> depressed by the emotionally absent mother

>

> Hi all, I've just started reading the book " The Emotionally Absent Mother " by

Jasmin Cori and wow is it painful. I'm only on chapter three and it is tough

going. Just reading the descriptions of what a good mother is supposed to

provide her child and over and over going, nope, not that one, not that one, no

way in hell, that'd never happen over and over. Stuff like mirroring,

protection, nurturing, encouragement, etc. It brings up so much pain to remember

that I felt like an orphan emotionally growing up and I still do today. And

all those " substitute " mothers I keep hearing about...well I never managed to

find any of them to fill the holes either. I feel dysfunctional as hell. I

skipped ahead and read her description about what type of therapist/therapy can

help and it's what I've been looking for my whole life - but I've gone through

so many therapists and it just never happens.

>

> Sorry for such a downer of a post...maybe I'll feel better reading later

chapters.

>

> Eliza

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

PS: Eliza I still have good days and bad days. I hope I didn't glorify my post

as it's a complete struggle. I just wanted to share my strategy and the way I am

dealing with it.

Have a good day

Mel x

>

> Eliza,

>

> I know how hard it feels not to have a mother or mother figure in your life.

It leaves a hole in your heart not having that support and love. Some days are

better then others. What has helped me is by investing more into my self and by

give my self more love. I treat me self to a class (like yoga), a message, a fun

night out with my girlfriends, or I start something I have always wanted to do

or learn. I find by investing in my self it helps makes that need for a mother

figure shrink and ,self esteem grows.

>

> Hugs

>

>

> Sent from my BlackBerry® device on the Simple Mobile network

>

> depressed by the emotionally absent mother

>

> Hi all, I've just started reading the book " The Emotionally Absent Mother " by

Jasmin Cori and wow is it painful. I'm only on chapter three and it is tough

going. Just reading the descriptions of what a good mother is supposed to

provide her child and over and over going, nope, not that one, not that one, no

way in hell, that'd never happen over and over. Stuff like mirroring,

protection, nurturing, encouragement, etc. It brings up so much pain to remember

that I felt like an orphan emotionally growing up and I still do today. And

all those " substitute " mothers I keep hearing about...well I never managed to

find any of them to fill the holes either. I feel dysfunctional as hell. I

skipped ahead and read her description about what type of therapist/therapy can

help and it's what I've been looking for my whole life - but I've gone through

so many therapists and it just never happens.

>

> Sorry for such a downer of a post...maybe I'll feel better reading later

chapters.

>

> Eliza

>

>

>

>

>