Hi all - Newbie here

[Guest guest]

I've been following your posts for the past couple of days and really like how

supportive and knowledgeable everyone is. It also helps hearing your stories and

realizing I'm not alone. Granted, I'd rather be alone because I wouldn't wish

BPD on anyone.

I feel like I have so much to explain, I don't know where to start. I wasn't

even sure if I was going to post for support. I had the light bulb effect around

Thanksgiving and I've been researching this off and on for the past two months.

My mother had a melt down before Thanksgiving because she wasn't getting her way

and for the first time she said she wished she never had me. I was kind of

floored because she will say a lot of things in order to manipulate me but this

was by far the worst. I was looking for support online and I typed manipulative

mother and mother guilt trips in a search engine and fell upon BPD. I had heard

of the disorder before as I have had some issues of my own and took an online

test. The test freaked me out indicating I have some tendencies towards BPD

myself along with HPD and NPD. What a cocktail I'd rather not have. I had never

even considered where this all could have come from. And when I thought about

BPD in the context of my mother, I was blown away with the amount of symptoms

she has. Then I fell onto PAS and was blown away again. My mother has not said

anything nice about my father since she left him 27 years ago. I am not allowed

to like him or say anything good about him. She would tell me about how he was

gay or gave her an std etc and how the divorce was all his fault. I go back and

forth into denial. It's hard for me to believe this about my mother. I thought

these guilt trips and smothering were normal or maybe just having a more

annoying mother than usual.

But when I combine the past with the present, there's no denying it. My mom is a

HF waif with hermit tendencies. She is never wrong, she's totally a black and

white thinker, she splits on me all the time- most the time I'm sitting on the

right hand of God the rest of the time I'm an ungrateful selfish daughter. No

matter what I do it's never enough. No matter how much I call her and see her

it's never enough. The smothering repels me. I always have felt like if she was

inside my skin, she still wouldn't be close enough to me. I read something on

someone with experience of their mother being emotionally incestuous which is

how I feel sometimes. I always wondered if I was sexually abused. At one time I

thought my dad did it. Now I think that idea came from PAS. I have no memory of

it but I sometimes wonder where I ever came up with that feeling that it

happened. Why would I think that way and why would I have the problems I have if

it didn't? But then there's a part of me that thinks absolutely not, no way,

never happened. When I was 11 she went through menopause. We all blamed this on

the menopause, never her. She would have many fits of rage, break things, yell,

scream, cry for days non stop till my dad checked her in to the mental ward. She

was committed for a week. She cheated on my dad, left him, married my step dad.

One night my step dad upset her so she took a bunch of pills trying to kill

herself. It hasn't been intense like that these days. Just lots and lots of

guilt trips and smothering and manipulation. After the Thanksgiving deal I went

NC but she refused to respect my boundaries and kept trying to contact me. She

even got my step dad emailing me. I'm sure she's telling my siblings how awful I

am.

Anyhoo, I feel like if I share the whole story/background etc I'll suck up too

much time... Maybe I'll just share in pieces. It's just therapeutic to get it

out there. I really don't have anyone to talk with about it. I did compare notes

with my father to see if he thought my suspicions are right. And I shared it

with my husband but he only sees my mom when she's nice. He has no clue... None.

So he just doesn't understand. I need someone to talk to about it and I just

don't have anyone in my life who I think would understand. I do have siblings.

My parents tried for years to have kids with no luck so they adopted my brother.

A year later they adopted my sister. Four years later they finally succeeded and

I was their final and only biological child. My sister is a bipolar drug and

alcohol addict. I went NC or very LC with her 4 years ago. Until she gets help,

we have no relationship. I tried for 28 years to help her & finally gave up. My

brother is emotionally stunted. So I really have no one to talk to who would

understand.

So I guess I did manage to throw a lot of detail in there.....

[Guest guest]

I get the emotionally incestuous comment. I felt like that too at times. I

always felt suffocated. After my son was born, and even now one thing I realized

when I would hold him and cuddle him is I always wrapped myself around him.

Phisically, I would tuck him against my front side. I remember as a child, my

nada would have me lay down with her and snuggle her and it was always me

snuggling her like that and not her snuggling me. I was always in the parental

role, even as a very young child. I really didn't see how wrong it was until I

had my own child.

C