Guest guest Posted January 22, 2012 Report Share Posted January 22, 2012 I just joined late yesterday, and have been reading posts to get a feel for the group. Now I feel comfortable posting, so here goes: A few months ago, my dad was pointed towards BPD as a likely explanation for my mother's emotional and financial abuse of him (and of me, though neither of us knew the other was having the same experiences until about 1 & 1/2 years ago) by his therapist/his fiancee (I'm not entirely sure which one brought it up first). He told me. I'm not entirely convinced it's BPD at this point (having bought and read chunks of SWOE and SWOEW), though I suspect it's something at least related to BPD. I may be somewhat in denial and/or it may also be due to the fact that she hasn't really been abusive to me since I left home at 24yo (I'm now 42yo), so I'm now more of an outsider who sees her good side/facade. There are cracks, but I only recognize them now because of what I know now. I've been dealing with depression and anxiety issues for most of my life. Nothing completely debilitating, but I've had some tough times. I also have what I have recently (yesterday) decided to call echos of my mother's abusive behavior: for example, I often strongly overreact and yell at my two boys; however, unlike her, I stop myself asap and apologize, explain that it was not their fault (I was reacting to my own strong emotions that their behavior triggered), and that I love them. My mom would sinply blame me for her reaction and withdraw. (I would, of course, like to eliminate those echos, as I know they are damaging even though I do my best to minimize the damage. I think that realizing what I'm doing and giving it a name is at least a fist step from where I am now.) My mom doesn't overtly do any emotional blackmail, but I don't feel comfortable confronting her with the fact that she has made untrue disparaging remarks about my dad to me, as well as told other lies, or at least left out a lot when telling me about her life. (Am I maybe ensuring the absence of emotional blackmail by not confronting her?) She has, in the past, denied specific instances of mistreatment of me that I remember from my childhood. I still know they happened, though; as much as she disparaged my memory and did other things that one of my therapists called crazymaking, she never did succeed in getting me to doubt myself. My dad is another story - he took; hook, line, and sinker, the crazymaking she did with him. He became what she kept telling him he was. Now that he's been getting away from it, he is so much happier and easier to be around - he'd been very grumpy for years. My parents are recently divorced (on Dec. 16th, 2012, after 43y3m8d of marriage). I'm concerned that my mom may start directing her BPD (or whatever it is - NPD?) at me full-bore after she moves out of what is now my dad's house (she has just under five months, and I wouldn't be surprised if she waited until the last minute) and no longer has him (and his fiancee) as a convenient outlet. That possibility scares the heck out of me, as I have had nearly none of it directed at me for almost 20 years, and probably had somewhat less than 1/2 of it directed at me when I was growing up. We've actually had a pretty good, though obviously not entirely honest, relationship for that time. Anyway, if I keep going, this could be a book or two or three..., so I guess I'll just say that I look forward to whatever support, insight, etc. that you wish to send my way, and that I will do my best to at least contribute some empathy here and there. I'm sure that there are things that I'm seeing-but-not-seeing, so I welcome a gentle analysis/reality check of this and future posts. TIA, PJ P.S. I apologize for any typos - I typed this in the dark and may not have caught them all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 22, 2012 Report Share Posted January 22, 2012 Welcome to the Group, Pamela. The behaviors you describe could be bpd, possibly. None of us are qualified to diagnose, that's only for psychologists and psychiatrists, but we really can relate to being subjected to negative, manipulative behaviors and chronic lying and emotional abuse from a parent. But whether your mother actually has a personality disorder or whether she is just a " difficult person " , you've found a bunch of other people who truly " get " how painful, damaging, or even how toxic and destructive a relationship with such a parent can be. That's good that you have started to educate yourself about the Cluster B personality disorders; that knowledge base can serve you well. There is a reading list at the home site for this Group, " Welcome To Oz " . I personally highly recommend " Understanding The Borderline Mother. " We are each on our own journey to peace, healing and recovery from having been raised by a personality disordered parent. Each of us has a unique background and unique current situation, but we all can benefit from sharing our own personal experiences and insights. The process is about finding what will work for *you* and aid your peace of mind and your recovery. Having others to share the journey with somehow makes it a little less painful and lonely. I hope you will find as much insight, understanding, empathy and healing for yourself here as I have. -Annie > > I just joined late yesterday, and have been reading posts to get a feel for the group. Now I feel comfortable posting, so here goes: > > A few months ago, my dad was pointed towards BPD as a likely explanation for my mother's emotional and financial abuse of him (and of me, though neither of us knew the other was having the same experiences until about 1 & 1/2 years ago) by his therapist/his fiancee (I'm not entirely sure which one brought it up first). He told me. I'm not entirely convinced it's BPD at this point (having bought and read chunks of SWOE and SWOEW), though I suspect it's something at least related to BPD. I may be somewhat in denial and/or it may also be due to the fact that she hasn't really been abusive to me since I left home at 24yo (I'm now 42yo), so I'm now more of an outsider who sees her good side/facade. There are cracks, but I only recognize them now because of what I know now. > > I've been dealing with depression and anxiety issues for most of my life. Nothing completely debilitating, but I've had some tough times. I also have what I have recently (yesterday) decided to call echos of my mother's abusive behavior: for example, I often strongly overreact and yell at my two boys; however, unlike her, I stop myself asap and apologize, explain that it was not their fault (I was reacting to my own strong emotions that their behavior triggered), and that I love them. My mom would sinply blame me for her reaction and withdraw. (I would, of course, like to eliminate those echos, as I know they are damaging even though I do my best to minimize the damage. I think that realizing what I'm doing and giving it a name is at least a fist step from where I am now.) > > My mom doesn't overtly do any emotional blackmail, but I don't feel comfortable confronting her with the fact that she has made untrue disparaging remarks about my dad to me, as well as told other lies, or at least left out a lot when telling me about her life. (Am I maybe ensuring the absence of emotional blackmail by not confronting her?) She has, in the past, denied specific instances of mistreatment of me that I remember from my childhood. I still know they happened, though; as much as she disparaged my memory and did other things that one of my therapists called crazymaking, she never did succeed in getting me to doubt myself. My dad is another story - he took; hook, line, and sinker, the crazymaking she did with him. He became what she kept telling him he was. Now that he's been getting away from it, he is so much happier and easier to be around - he'd been very grumpy for years. > > My parents are recently divorced (on Dec. 16th, 2012, after 43y3m8d of marriage). I'm concerned that my mom may start directing her BPD (or whatever it is - NPD?) at me full-bore after she moves out of what is now my dad's house (she has just under five months, and I wouldn't be surprised if she waited until the last minute) and no longer has him (and his fiancee) as a convenient outlet. That possibility scares the heck out of me, as I have had nearly none of it directed at me for almost 20 years, and probably had somewhat less than 1/2 of it directed at me when I was growing up. We've actually had a pretty good, though obviously not entirely honest, relationship for that time. > > Anyway, if I keep going, this could be a book or two or three..., so I guess I'll just say that I look forward to whatever support, insight, etc. that you wish to send my way, and that I will do my best to at least contribute some empathy here and there. > > I'm sure that there are things that I'm seeing-but-not-seeing, so I welcome a gentle analysis/reality check of this and future posts. > > TIA, > > PJ > > P.S. I apologize for any typos - I typed this in the dark and may not have caught them all. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 22, 2012 Report Share Posted January 22, 2012 Thanks, Annie. PJ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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