What have I become

[Guest guest]

I'm sitting here in bed tonight reading chapter 9 in SWOE " Protecting Children

from BPD Behaviour " , thinking about my 20th birthday tomorrow. I should be happy

about finally leaving my teenage years behind me and starting my 20's, but I'm

not. I am sad. Sad that my parents will never be able to share my birthday

tomorrow, nor ever any others in the future. My nada is too consumed by her own

negative BPD feelings and my fada doesn't even give a stuff. Last I heard of my

fada he was sucking up to some other woman. God only knows what he's been up to.

The predator he is.

I read through the beginning of the chapter, outlining the damaging effects BPD

parents can cast upon their children. My heart sinks ever deeper with each line.

I point out in each paragraph the tell-tale behaviours that my nada exhibited

towards me and that now have rule over me. Then the question is finally said.

" Who am I? " I don't know. I have no idea who I am. How can I find out the answer

to this question? So I read on.

I see the " six seeds to grow a healthy child " , the tears starting to well up in

my eyes as I try to choke them back. Support, respect and acceptance, voice,

unconditional love and affection, consistency, and security. I didn't get almost

any of these. I only got support if I bowed down to nada's delusional thinking.

I received love and affection if I did what nada wanted of me and conformed to

her beliefs. She would be the voice only if I did her bidding and behave in a

way that would hurt people she detested. The six seeds was what I always wanted.

But who is going to give that to a 20 year old adult?

I'm not a child anymore, but I wish I was, so I could run away and find a family

that would give me every one of those six seeds. But how am I going to get those

now? I do not trust anyone, not even myself. I fear if I let anyone get close to

me, they are going to hurt me. See my weaknesses and abuse me. Call me names and

accuse me of sins I so committed. My self-esteem is shot to pieces. I feel like

I am worthless and powerless. But worst of all, I don't truly know who I am. I

have lost what skewed view I had of myself.

I feel like I am standing in a weightless cloud of fog, wading through it with

my hands. If I see something that could potentially be myself hazily emerge from

the clouds, I try to reach out and grab it only for the image to fade. The fog

becomes thicker and it's near impossible for me to see anything. I become

trapped, going around and around in circles. I can't see any way out of this. I

only see it as my fault. My relatives tell me that I am an adult now and that I

can make my own decisions. But I feel like I am not in control anymore.

I wish every day that my phone will ring and it is the long lost support and

love I always wanted on the other end. But I know this will not happen. I do not

know what to do, where to go or who to turn to. I can't see my future for the

fog is too thick. Who is out there? Is there anyone who I can trust? Be friends

with? Have normal healthy relationships with? No, I can't see anyone, for I am

blinded by my own shame and guilt and lack of true self. I'm going to be 20

years old tomorrow, knowing that I am truly alone.

[Guest guest]

sounds like you are in the grief period of resolving your feelings about your

FOO. It sucks. It also gets better.

The main thing is educating yourself. You will find healthy people when you can

see the warning signs of the ones that aren't healthy. You will continue to

attract replacement nadas and fadas if you don't do that. My brother continues

to avoid dealing with his issues with nada and he continues to draw replacements

to him. If you give yourself a good education on these disorders and how to spot

it, you will save yourself a LOT of grief. Learn the lesson now so as to not

retaking the test over and over again int the future.

[Guest guest]

(((((Chooksrcool)))))

It takes time to discover who you really are, and you're right, one of the main

functions of a parent is to help their child discover who he or she is in this

world. We were robbed of that, by having mentally ill parents.

I hope you will let yourself begin to make these discoveries on your own, now.

If you have access to therapy, that could help you get started with the

discovery process, but its not absolutely necessary. A good therapist who is

familiar with treating the adult children of abusive parents can help you find

ways to learn to re-parent yourself.

One of the ways that parents help their children discover who they are, is to

expose them to different fun but safe activities, to see which ones the child

gravitates toward and has an interest or aptitude in.

You can do that for yourself. You can try different activities to see what

interests you: join a hiking club, learn to ski, take dance lessons, take a

class in photography, take music lessons, join a writing group. Participate in

political action groups; spend time with a charitable organization helping them

out.

As you find the things that pique your interest, you will also find other people

who like that activity, too. That is a great opportunity to make friends, being

around others who share a common interest with you.

You can discover who you are, I truly believe it is possible.

-Annie

>

> I'm sitting here in bed tonight reading chapter 9 in SWOE " Protecting Children

from BPD Behaviour " , thinking about my 20th birthday tomorrow. I should be happy

about finally leaving my teenage years behind me and starting my 20's, but I'm

not. I am sad. Sad that my parents will never be able to share my birthday

tomorrow, nor ever any others in the future. My nada is too consumed by her own

negative BPD feelings and my fada doesn't even give a stuff. Last I heard of my

fada he was sucking up to some other woman. God only knows what he's been up to.

The predator he is.

>

> I read through the beginning of the chapter, outlining the damaging effects

BPD parents can cast upon their children. My heart sinks ever deeper with each

line. I point out in each paragraph the tell-tale behaviours that my nada

exhibited towards me and that now have rule over me. Then the question is

finally said. " Who am I? " I don't know. I have no idea who I am. How can I find

out the answer to this question? So I read on.

>

> I see the " six seeds to grow a healthy child " , the tears starting to well up

in my eyes as I try to choke them back. Support, respect and acceptance, voice,

unconditional love and affection, consistency, and security. I didn't get almost

any of these. I only got support if I bowed down to nada's delusional thinking.

I received love and affection if I did what nada wanted of me and conformed to

her beliefs. She would be the voice only if I did her bidding and behave in a

way that would hurt people she detested. The six seeds was what I always wanted.

But who is going to give that to a 20 year old adult?

>

> I'm not a child anymore, but I wish I was, so I could run away and find a

family that would give me every one of those six seeds. But how am I going to

get those now? I do not trust anyone, not even myself. I fear if I let anyone

get close to me, they are going to hurt me. See my weaknesses and abuse me. Call

me names and accuse me of sins I so committed. My self-esteem is shot to pieces.

I feel like I am worthless and powerless. But worst of all, I don't truly know

who I am. I have lost what skewed view I had of myself.

>

> I feel like I am standing in a weightless cloud of fog, wading through it with

my hands. If I see something that could potentially be myself hazily emerge from

the clouds, I try to reach out and grab it only for the image to fade. The fog

becomes thicker and it's near impossible for me to see anything. I become

trapped, going around and around in circles. I can't see any way out of this. I

only see it as my fault. My relatives tell me that I am an adult now and that I

can make my own decisions. But I feel like I am not in control anymore.

>

> I wish every day that my phone will ring and it is the long lost support and

love I always wanted on the other end. But I know this will not happen. I do not

know what to do, where to go or who to turn to. I can't see my future for the

fog is too thick. Who is out there? Is there anyone who I can trust? Be friends

with? Have normal healthy relationships with? No, I can't see anyone, for I am

blinded by my own shame and guilt and lack of true self. I'm going to be 20

years old tomorrow, knowing that I am truly alone.

>

[Guest guest]

so true. i am a recovering doormat. I only just recently learned through therapy

that I am not doomed to be treated like crap all the time. it is incredibly

freeing. you are lucky you realized it at 20 it took me longer.

I am staring to come out of the very fog you describe. it is really really awful

to feel like you have to build yourself from the ground up.

something that has helped me is to taper my thoughts to what my own standards

are for a good person.

I am naturally easy to persuade, and easy to control. I also am terrified of my

weaknesses. I tend to defer to others because I assume everyone knows more than

me. I feel a huge urge to overcome peoples false perceptions of me, and it keeps

me in relationships with abusive people for way too long trying to prove myself.

usually until they really cross the line. at that point I am so hurt.

but these feelings come from thinking I need to live up to what I think are the

standards expected of me. I am learning that I am really very opinionated, and

that my opinions count as much as anyones.

something I think that my Nada does that I have had to resist is to have a

vision of what things " should be " and convincing herself that that is how things

are, and Ignoring reality.

this is wrong because it makes her resent any deviance from her illusions. one

example is that she wanted me to be " smart " unfortunately I have ADD. so instead

of helping me she punished me, and ignored, and denied the condition. and makes

excuses for me for anyone who will listen to keep her image intact.

I tried for years to conform to her delusions. the problem was that I have very

little control over most of the things she hates about me, and she did a good

job of making me hate myself for them.

what I have decided I need, and am working toward is my own standard.

I think how we treat others and ourselves is what defines who we are. how we

treat other people is not a reflection on them but us.

as soon as I stopped pretending I started to figure out who I am. it is easy to

" like " something because people around you do. I had to start to trust my gut. I

realized that I know better than I think what I like, and want. your identity is

there you just need to trust yourself. I am working on that too.

I think this is what happens when people abuse and beat us down. we spend all

that time trying to stay below the radar that we loose a sense of what we really

want out of life. this is how these toxic behaviors are perpetuated. but the

cycle can be disrupted. you are not doomed to repeat it. The battle is half won

when we are able to recognize the behaviors for what they are.

fight for yourself now. all of this is incredibly isolating. but you are not the

only one who feels that way. I think you have been very brave to express these

fears. you showed trust. you clearly do believe in people.

hugs

Meikjn

>

> sounds like you are in the grief period of resolving your feelings about your

FOO. It sucks. It also gets better.

>

> The main thing is educating yourself. You will find healthy people when you

can see the warning signs of the ones that aren't healthy. You will continue to

attract replacement nadas and fadas if you don't do that. My brother continues

to avoid dealing with his issues with nada and he continues to draw replacements

to him. If you give yourself a good education on these disorders and how to spot

it, you will save yourself a LOT of grief. Learn the lesson now so as to not

retaking the test over and over again int the future.

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with Annie. Therapy is a really good place to start, to help you sort

and sift through all your feelings.

I hope you have a hopeful and joyful birthday. You deserve to be happy.

> >

> > I'm sitting here in bed tonight reading chapter 9 in SWOE " Protecting

Children from BPD Behaviour " , thinking about my 20th birthday tomorrow. I should

be happy about finally leaving my teenage years behind me and starting my 20's,

but I'm not. I am sad. Sad that my parents will never be able to share my

birthday tomorrow, nor ever any others in the future. My nada is too consumed by

her own negative BPD feelings and my fada doesn't even give a stuff. Last I

heard of my fada he was sucking up to some other woman. God only knows what he's

been up to. The predator he is.

> >

> > I read through the beginning of the chapter, outlining the damaging effects

BPD parents can cast upon their children. My heart sinks ever deeper with each

line. I point out in each paragraph the tell-tale behaviours that my nada

exhibited towards me and that now have rule over me. Then the question is

finally said. " Who am I? " I don't know. I have no idea who I am. How can I find

out the answer to this question? So I read on.

> >

> > I see the " six seeds to grow a healthy child " , the tears starting to well up

in my eyes as I try to choke them back. Support, respect and acceptance, voice,

unconditional love and affection, consistency, and security. I didn't get almost

any of these. I only got support if I bowed down to nada's delusional thinking.

I received love and affection if I did what nada wanted of me and conformed to

her beliefs. She would be the voice only if I did her bidding and behave in a

way that would hurt people she detested. The six seeds was what I always wanted.

But who is going to give that to a 20 year old adult?

> >

> > I'm not a child anymore, but I wish I was, so I could run away and find a

family that would give me every one of those six seeds. But how am I going to

get those now? I do not trust anyone, not even myself. I fear if I let anyone

get close to me, they are going to hurt me. See my weaknesses and abuse me. Call

me names and accuse me of sins I so committed. My self-esteem is shot to pieces.

I feel like I am worthless and powerless. But worst of all, I don't truly know

who I am. I have lost what skewed view I had of myself.

> >

> > I feel like I am standing in a weightless cloud of fog, wading through it

with my hands. If I see something that could potentially be myself hazily emerge

from the clouds, I try to reach out and grab it only for the image to fade. The

fog becomes thicker and it's near impossible for me to see anything. I become

trapped, going around and around in circles. I can't see any way out of this. I

only see it as my fault. My relatives tell me that I am an adult now and that I

can make my own decisions. But I feel like I am not in control anymore.

> >

> > I wish every day that my phone will ring and it is the long lost support and

love I always wanted on the other end. But I know this will not happen. I do not

know what to do, where to go or who to turn to. I can't see my future for the

fog is too thick. Who is out there? Is there anyone who I can trust? Be friends

with? Have normal healthy relationships with? No, I can't see anyone, for I am

blinded by my own shame and guilt and lack of true self. I'm going to be 20

years old tomorrow, knowing that I am truly alone.

> >

>