My food is better than your food! Nada acts like a child.

January 23, 2012

Fun dinner with Nada

She comes over for dinner. Brings some veges for an Asian Slaw. This is from a

new recipe book, and she doesn't have the ingredients for the dressing at her

house, since they are things like sesame oil and rice vinegar. She knew I would

have them (I'm a bit of a foodie) and thought wouldn't it just be hunky dory to

make the dish at my house. Nevermind that I usually cook the dinner when we eat

at my house, I like cooking, (I'm a good cook) and that I had made a nice lamb

stew in the slow cooker.

This was just the annoying prelude. As we sit to eat, she throws the knife. As

we eat both dishes at the table, she says about 10 times, " Wow, isn't this Asian

Slaw great! It's so good! Isn't it good??? " I say: " Yes, it's good. " But finally

get annoyed and say: " And so is the lamb stew. " She says: " Oh, well, it's ok.

But the Slaw is really good! "

Just for the record: I didn't let her get away with this. I pointed out that

when you are visiting at someone's house, out of politeness, you say that the

food they cooked for you is good. I didn't even bother pointing out that

complimenting your own food while poo-pooing someone else's is just rude. Or

that in my 40 years of eating her bad cooking I had never once told her the

truth, that she can't cook. I always compliment her politely. The conversation

reached it's usual bizarre levels. Having to explain basic manners to your 65 yr

old mother is just sad.

The truth is that I think she is just looking for a crack in my armor, a way to

get to me and hurt me. It's the only way she can enjoy herself.

January 23, 2012

this reminds me of the last time nada visited me. my nada is a boring cook. I

think she could be fine, but she is very reluctant to try new things. like the

internet. and whipping cream.

my mom decided she wanted to have a cheese sandwich.

we only had shredded cheese.

so my mom started to make slices of Parmesan cheese and putting them on plain

bread.

I said " that is Parmesan " thinking she did not realize it. but then she said " I

know but I really want a cheese sandwich " I replied " that cheese is 20$ a pound

please don't eat it like that " to which she replied " I will make the slices

thin " then I said " I just went shopping can I please make you something else? "

to which she said something scathing about how it was crazy that I did not have

a brick of cheddar or even some slices, and asked " don't you ever buy brick

cheese? " I answered lamely that we did buy cheese in bricks sometimes, but did

not have one currently. I then asked again if she would let me make her

something else. then she ate her 3$ Parmesan sandwich.

I think she just did not want to be wrong. it is embarrassing for her to give in

after being insistent.

if it had ended there I would have been happy. but the whole rest of the trip

she rubbed it in. each and every meal, and at every opportunity she made herself

the victim. " can I bring the pepper and salt to the table, or is that not how

you do things here? " I am sorry I ate 2 pieces of chicken, but they were small

and I wanted two I hope you felt like there was enough for everyone else. " and

on and on... all said in a condescending and falsely patient tone.

it was expected that we thank the person who cooked the food at every meal no

matter what it was growing up. but hey she is nada and more entitled to her

opinions than the rest of us.

sometimes being the nice one feels good and has it's own value, but it sure

would be nice to say the things we want sometimes. I think we should start an

ongoing snarky thread of all the things we want to say...

Meikjn

>

> Fun dinner with Nada

>

> She comes over for dinner. Brings some veges for an Asian Slaw. This is from a

new recipe book, and she doesn't have the ingredients for the dressing at her

house, since they are things like sesame oil and rice vinegar. She knew I would

have them (I'm a bit of a foodie) and thought wouldn't it just be hunky dory to

make the dish at my house. Nevermind that I usually cook the dinner when we eat

at my house, I like cooking, (I'm a good cook) and that I had made a nice lamb

stew in the slow cooker.

>

> This was just the annoying prelude. As we sit to eat, she throws the knife. As

we eat both dishes at the table, she says about 10 times, " Wow, isn't this Asian

Slaw great! It's so good! Isn't it good??? " I say: " Yes, it's good. " But finally

get annoyed and say: " And so is the lamb stew. " She says: " Oh, well, it's ok.

But the Slaw is really good! "

>

> Just for the record: I didn't let her get away with this. I pointed out that

when you are visiting at someone's house, out of politeness, you say that the

food they cooked for you is good. I didn't even bother pointing out that

complimenting your own food while poo-pooing someone else's is just rude. Or

that in my 40 years of eating her bad cooking I had never once told her the

truth, that she can't cook. I always compliment her politely. The conversation

reached it's usual bizarre levels. Having to explain basic manners to your 65 yr

old mother is just sad.

>

> The truth is that I think she is just looking for a crack in my armor, a way

to get to me and hurt me. It's the only way she can enjoy herself.

>

January 23, 2012

My nada had food issues throughout my growing up years. She was very, very

controlling about food. And her kitchen was her territory, Sister and I were

not welcome there.

I had to eat whatever was put in front of me, and if I didn't want to eat

something she'd literally force me to eat it, physically, or she'd make me leave

the table and go to my room hungry, or she'd rage at me: one of her red-faced

screaming tantrums. Dad never intervened during these food-torture sessions.

Nada only stopped trying to force me to eat things I didn't want to eat after an

incident when I was about 10 or 11, and she'd forced me to eat something she'd

made called " congealed salad " with jello and cottage cheese and fruit. I

intensely disliked cottage cheese, and the weird mixed textures triggered my gag

reflex; I spontaneously vomited right there at the dinner table.

My nada was totally freaked out by any kind of " mess " , so she decided that she'd

let me alone after that since she didn't want any more vomiting at her pristine

table. It upset dad, too, so, finally she stopped badgering me at the dinner

table about what I was or was not eating.

Nada didn't like me to be in " her kitchen " because I " made her nervous. " So,

she didn't teach me hardly anything about cooking or how to prepare a complete

meal. OK, she taught me how to scramble an egg until it was hard rubber. I

had to teach myself how to cook once I was out on my own. Its only been in the

last couple of decades (in late middle age) that I really started enjoying

trying to make new dishes and actually started cooking and baking for fun.

-Annie

> >

> > Fun dinner with Nada

> >

> > She comes over for dinner. Brings some veges for an Asian Slaw. This is from

a new recipe book, and she doesn't have the ingredients for the dressing at her

house, since they are things like sesame oil and rice vinegar. She knew I would

have them (I'm a bit of a foodie) and thought wouldn't it just be hunky dory to

make the dish at my house. Nevermind that I usually cook the dinner when we eat

at my house, I like cooking, (I'm a good cook) and that I had made a nice lamb

stew in the slow cooker.

> >

> > This was just the annoying prelude. As we sit to eat, she throws the knife.

As we eat both dishes at the table, she says about 10 times, " Wow, isn't this

Asian Slaw great! It's so good! Isn't it good??? " I say: " Yes, it's good. " But

finally get annoyed and say: " And so is the lamb stew. " She says: " Oh, well,

it's ok. But the Slaw is really good! "

> >

> > Just for the record: I didn't let her get away with this. I pointed out that

when you are visiting at someone's house, out of politeness, you say that the

food they cooked for you is good. I didn't even bother pointing out that

complimenting your own food while poo-pooing someone else's is just rude. Or

that in my 40 years of eating her bad cooking I had never once told her the

truth, that she can't cook. I always compliment her politely. The conversation

reached it's usual bizarre levels. Having to explain basic manners to your 65 yr

old mother is just sad.

> >

> > The truth is that I think she is just looking for a crack in my armor, a way

to get to me and hurt me. It's the only way she can enjoy herself.

> >

>

January 24, 2012

I LOOOOVE the vomiting! God I wish I had done that over a certain plate of

zucchini when I was a child.

I had to respond to one thing - that she wouldn't let you in the kitchen because

you made her nervous. Sadly, this is how I feel. I really really don't like

people being in the kitchen with me when I cook. I have a hard time

concentrating and feel defensive because I am waiting for them to criticize me.

Funny because this includes people who never criticize. I assume this is

leftover from childhood. I feel bad about it. I know that most people enjoy

company while they cook, or sharing cooking. Luckily so far I don't feel that

way when my 3 yr old is in the kitchen with me,. Then mostly I'm trying to think

of things for her to 'do' that don't cause harm (pouring flour from one bowl to

another is a popular one.)

Not to defend your Nada at all - she shouldn't have made you as the child feel

unwanted, or bad about yourself. So sorry. But I do love the vomiting!

Terri

> > >

> > > Fun dinner with Nada

> > >

> > > She comes over for dinner. Brings some veges for an Asian Slaw. This is

from a new recipe book, and she doesn't have the ingredients for the dressing at

her house, since they are things like sesame oil and rice vinegar. She knew I

would have them (I'm a bit of a foodie) and thought wouldn't it just be hunky

dory to make the dish at my house. Nevermind that I usually cook the dinner when

we eat at my house, I like cooking, (I'm a good cook) and that I had made a nice

lamb stew in the slow cooker.

> > >

> > > This was just the annoying prelude. As we sit to eat, she throws the

knife. As we eat both dishes at the table, she says about 10 times, " Wow, isn't

this Asian Slaw great! It's so good! Isn't it good??? " I say: " Yes, it's good. "

But finally get annoyed and say: " And so is the lamb stew. " She says: " Oh, well,

it's ok. But the Slaw is really good! "

> > >

> > > Just for the record: I didn't let her get away with this. I pointed out

that when you are visiting at someone's house, out of politeness, you say that

the food they cooked for you is good. I didn't even bother pointing out that

complimenting your own food while poo-pooing someone else's is just rude. Or

that in my 40 years of eating her bad cooking I had never once told her the

truth, that she can't cook. I always compliment her politely. The conversation

reached it's usual bizarre levels. Having to explain basic manners to your 65 yr

old mother is just sad.

> > >

> > > The truth is that I think she is just looking for a crack in my armor, a

way to get to me and hurt me. It's the only way she can enjoy herself.

> > >

> >

>

January 24, 2012

Well, its not like I planned it, though; it was a negative, frightening and

shaming experience for me. The aftermath was positive for me (no more being

forced to eat things I didn't want to eat) but the experience itself was highly

upsetting, and its seared permanently into my brain.

Nada had made me badly upset already by again shaming me and badgering me to eat

something I didn't want to eat. The dish even looked repulsive to me. Then she

forced me to swallow a big spoonful of it. The emotional upset and the odd

textures made me feel like my throat was closing up and I was choking; it was

actually rather traumatic. Then the embarrassment of having made a ghastly mess

at the table, nada shrieking at me, dad looking like he was going to vomit too;

his disgust. My dad was my hero and to see him look at me with disgust was

devastating. Its just one of many memories of upsetting, frightening drama that

I retain from my childhood; the way I coped was to cut myself off from my

emotions (after the fact.) I had stopped feeling much of anything at all,

really, earlier in life and retained this detached state well into adulthood.

My little Sister has few intact memories of her childhood; she went the total

amnesia route.

Just now in late middle age I am getting more of my emotions back, and Sister is

getting more of her childhood memories back.

Its a good sign that you can have your three year old in your kitchen with you;

I think its important that your child continues to believe, to *know*, that you

have confidence in her, that she's a " big girl " who can do things with mommy,

like help mommy cook, and that you actually enjoy her company. My nada's

behaviors translated to me/my child-brain and child-perceptions, that I was too

stupid to help nada do anything; if she did let me help her do anything, it

wasn't good enough. Actually, she even told me as well as demonstrate

physically to me that I was stupid and clumsy, and she didn't like being around

me; I could only interpret her rejection as being my fault. A small child can't

reason, " Well, my mother is emotionally dysregulated and perfectionistic, and

having me around her is triggering her; so, no big deal: its not my fault. " A

child can only feel unlovable, bad, and heart-broken by parental rejecting

behaviors.

That's so important that you have insight about your own behaviors and are being

kind to your little one RE letting her help you, praising her, spending time

with her and showing her that you enjoy her company; that will have a long-term

positive impact on her self-esteem, I'm sure.

-Annie

>

> I LOOOOVE the vomiting! God I wish I had done that over a certain plate of

zucchini when I was a child.

>

> I had to respond to one thing - that she wouldn't let you in the kitchen

because you made her nervous. Sadly, this is how I feel. I really really don't

like people being in the kitchen with me when I cook. I have a hard time

concentrating and feel defensive because I am waiting for them to criticize me.

Funny because this includes people who never criticize. I assume this is

leftover from childhood. I feel bad about it. I know that most people enjoy

company while they cook, or sharing cooking. Luckily so far I don't feel that

way when my 3 yr old is in the kitchen with me,. Then mostly I'm trying to think

of things for her to 'do' that don't cause harm (pouring flour from one bowl to

another is a popular one.)

>

> Not to defend your Nada at all - she shouldn't have made you as the child feel

unwanted, or bad about yourself. So sorry. But I do love the vomiting!

>

> Terri

January 24, 2012

Ah yes. Shaming and humiliation. No one who hasn't experienced it from those who

say they 'love' you, can understand the incredible power it has to destroy a

child. I'm sorry to have taken the vomiting lightly. And it's horrible that your

father reacted that way. I wouldn't be a sane person without my dad, he was the

real caretaker and nurturer in my house. I can't imagine surviving if he had

behaved that way, increasing the negative messages like that.

So sorry. I hope you can forgive yourself. Don't let them make you continue to

carry that as shame. There is no shame in it at all - all the shame is theirs.

> >

> > I LOOOOVE the vomiting! God I wish I had done that over a certain plate of

zucchini when I was a child.

> >

> > I had to respond to one thing - that she wouldn't let you in the kitchen