I never knew it had a name!

[Guest guest]

Hi

I am new to this diagnosis and this site. I was in Barmes and Noble last week

and found the book 'surviving a borderline parent; how to heal your childhood,

wounds & build trust, boundaries, and self-esteem'. The book resonated with me

as since childhood I have and continue to endure a mother with all the symptoms

of BPD (except threatening suicide). I cried after reading the first chapter - I

never knew it had a name, as I felt exactly that! I never knew that other people

in this world experience the turmoil, guilt, abuse, judgement and never ending

emotional roller coaster that me and my sister and family experience with my

mother! My mother has never been diagnosed and would NEVER seek help as in her

eyes she is functional, always right and loving!

The reason I have begun to seek happiness is that I am turning 40, a wife and a

mother and I am sick of being judged, being miserable and unable to be

completely open and myself with my husband and children. I always anticipate

negativity, over achieve to make myself feel valued and shut down emotionally to

protect myself from getting hurt!

I could write a book myself on the continuos splitting displayed by my mother,

the continued ranting (at literally the drop of a hat), her drinking and the

continual burden of having her emotional happiness be my responsibility. I feel

sorry for my poor husband as he too has put up with years of insults and seeing

me hurt!

I am seeking support as I begin to seek happiness through finally dealing with

her unrational behavior. I'm hoping the book and journalling will help me

understand her better and allow me to set myself free AND protect my children

from her damaging personality.

I'm initially relieved to know that I am not crazy and the only person in the

world with a parent who displays severe BPD traits.

Thanks for letting me share my thoughts

[Guest guest]

Mine never threatened suicide either. She was and still is vengeful and mean. My

poor, late husband used to avoid her like the plague. If he even suspected it

was her calling, he wouldn't answer the phone. Always let it go to voice mail.

He was home visiting with me at Christmas about 15 years ago when she went into

a rage about me being late to dinner. I had told her when she asked me to come

over that night that I had plans and wouldn't be there on time so she should not

wait for me. She was serving chili for crying out loud. Not exactly a dish that

will go bad if allowed to sit in the crock pot for another hour or two. Her

raging fit was not because of my being late, but because of who I was with. A

woman that used to be one of her best friends and like a second mother to me.

She had a huge fit about it and said I was disrespectful of her and how dare I

be late etc. when all it was just jealousy and control issues, pure and simple.

Keep on reading. Knowledge is power. The more I have learned about BPD, the

better I have been able to handle the irrational and sometimes hateful behavior

she has displayed. I was about your age when I first started reading about BPD

and participating in this group. I had been away a few years as my life was

going along pretty good. Unfortunately my husband passed away suddenly just over

two months ago after a very brief illness. Now nada is in full push mode to get

me to move back home. She wants me to at least be in the same state as her.

Thanks, but no thanks. I LIKE my 1100 mile buffer zone. I don't really suffer

from the guilt of not " being there " for her. I just have a hard time with my own

anger and need perspective on how to deal with her without losing it myself.

glad to have you here in OZ, too bad you qualify for membership.

C

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the Group .

It was both a shock and a relief to discover a name for what was going on with

my mother too; I'd been raised hearing my dad say that my mom was " high strung "

and I should try to just not set her off; that was as close as he'd get to

saying anything negative about his wife/our mom to my younger Sister and me.

My mother was high-functioning despite being emotionally disregulated, violent,

controlling, sometimes delusional and paranoid, and perfectionistic. She was

nowhere close to being simply " high-strung " , she was severely mentally ill. Way

too mentally ill to have been raising children mostly alone and unsupervised.

My mother (or " nada " , a shorthand word used here meaning " bpd mom " ) died

recently, so I am processing that change, and coming to terms with it. I miss

the parts of her that were kind and loving and motherly, but they were too often

lost in the maelstrom of nada's rages and her distorted, negative perspective on

life in general, and about me, my Sister, and her other loved ones in

particular. My nada was not a very happy person, but instead of seeking

treatment for herself she felt she had the right to badger, bully and beat her

family when she felt upset. She was never at fault, never wrong, and all her

problems originated outside her own self, with other people.

So, you've found a bunch of other adult kids of bpd parents who " get it. " I

hope you will find as much virtual emotional support and healing for yourself

here as I have; its a good group.

-Annie

>

> Hi

>

> I am new to this diagnosis and this site. I was in Barmes and Noble last week

and found the book 'surviving a borderline parent; how to heal your childhood,

wounds & build trust, boundaries, and self-esteem'. The book resonated with me

as since childhood I have and continue to endure a mother with all the symptoms

of BPD (except threatening suicide). I cried after reading the first chapter - I

never knew it had a name, as I felt exactly that! I never knew that other people

in this world experience the turmoil, guilt, abuse, judgement and never ending

emotional roller coaster that me and my sister and family experience with my

mother! My mother has never been diagnosed and would NEVER seek help as in her

eyes she is functional, always right and loving!

>

> The reason I have begun to seek happiness is that I am turning 40, a wife and

a mother and I am sick of being judged, being miserable and unable to be

completely open and myself with my husband and children. I always anticipate

negativity, over achieve to make myself feel valued and shut down emotionally to

protect myself from getting hurt!

>

> I could write a book myself on the continuos splitting displayed by my mother,

the continued ranting (at literally the drop of a hat), her drinking and the

continual burden of having her emotional happiness be my responsibility. I feel

sorry for my poor husband as he too has put up with years of insults and seeing

me hurt!

>

> I am seeking support as I begin to seek happiness through finally dealing with

her unrational behavior. I'm hoping the book and journalling will help me

understand her better and allow me to set myself free AND protect my children

from her damaging personality.

>

> I'm initially relieved to know that I am not crazy and the only person in the

world with a parent who displays severe BPD traits.

>

> Thanks for letting me share my thoughts

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks C

I'm amazed at the similarities in the group and relieved to have others to talk

to. I tried to explain the whole BPD to my sister and how her behavior is a

perfect example of the disorder but was met with " OMG I can't be doing with it,

what with her and my boss I'm so stressed " . So, I feel completely alone on this

journey (this far). My sister and I have and stop experience major rages and

verbal abuse. In fact my mother is in the witch mode most of the time! She says

the meanest things to her 83 year old mother and mentally handicapped sister

it's so heartbreaking. But the whole family has jus dismissed her as 'a very

difficult but often helpful person " . She can't sort out a crisis in an instance

by knowing a number of an to call, what needs to happen, etc. that is her bait

for reeling everyone back in.

It's interesting that you should talk about your nada and the Ravi g over

dinner. Last week my sister, aunt and Grandma went to her house for dinner. My

grandma asked my sister to get her slippers but my sister couldn't find them. As

soon as my sister asked my mum where the were she flew at her calling her

" stupid, incapable, selfish " , my sister said it was ugly, but luckily she said

to her " I'm not standing for this and walked out " , the only bad thing is that

she left me 83 year old grandma to bear the brunt of he rage. my poor aunt had a

cold and she kept yelling at her for coughing! How sad is that. My aunt who is

handicapped just started to rock and talk to herself. I'm so angry most of he

time!

This is just one instance of a reoccurring behavior. I used to dread Xmas day as

a child as it always ended up in tears!

I'm meant to be her in Florida at her house on 3 weeks and I know that she will

start. I want to go to say bye to my dad who is going to work in Saudi for 6

months (his avoidance technique). I think I'm going to suggest we either stay

overnight in a hotel or drive home that same day (charleston). It would be a

major boundary setter if I could manage that.

Gosh it's a mess!!! Thank God I finally realize it's not me!!

Thanks for your reply I truly appreciate it

Mel

>

>

>

> Mine never threatened suicide either. She was and still is vengeful and mean.

My poor, late husband used to avoid her like the plague. If he even suspected it

was her calling, he wouldn't answer the phone. Always let it go to voice mail.

He was home visiting with me at Christmas about 15 years ago when she went into

a rage about me being late to dinner. I had told her when she asked me to come

over that night that I had plans and wouldn't be there on time so she should not

wait for me. She was serving chili for crying out loud. Not exactly a dish that

will go bad if allowed to sit in the crock pot for another hour or two. Her

raging fit was not because of my being late, but because of who I was with. A

woman that used to be one of her best friends and like a second mother to me.

She had a huge fit about it and said I was disrespectful of her and how dare I

be late etc. when all it was just jealousy and control issues, pure and simple.

>

> Keep on reading. Knowledge is power. The more I have learned about BPD, the

better I have been able to handle the irrational and sometimes hateful behavior

she has displayed. I was about your age when I first started reading about BPD

and participating in this group. I had been away a few years as my life was

going along pretty good. Unfortunately my husband passed away suddenly just over

two months ago after a very brief illness. Now nada is in full push mode to get

me to move back home. She wants me to at least be in the same state as her.

Thanks, but no thanks. I LIKE my 1100 mile buffer zone. I don't really suffer

from the guilt of not " being there " for her. I just have a hard time with my own

anger and need perspective on how to deal with her without losing it myself.

>

> glad to have you here in OZ, too bad you qualify for membership.

>

> C

>

[Guest guest]

Boundary-setting is not easy, but its better than the alternative of remaining

the equivalent of an abused child into adulthood.

Boundary-setting means standing up to someone who we've been trained to fear or

to defer to and obey, or risk unleashing their wrath, but as adults we now have

both the right and the power to set reasonable, normal boundaries for ourselves.

One of the hard parts about setting real boundaries is overcoming the fear of

" setting them off " , giving them a reason to light into us and vilify us,

possibly having evil rumors spread about us, etc. Its like trying to swim up a

waterfall to overcome a lifetime of conditioning to respect and obey and defer

to one's parent, but, its possible.

Another hard part is getting past the feelings of guilt, as in " FOG " : or

Fear-Obligation-Guilt that the adult children of pd parents are usually saddled

with.

It can help to understand and accept that any guilt feelings you might be

experiencing for setting boundaries are both misplaced and inappropriate. There

is nothing morally or ethically wrong with protecting yourself from a harmful

person. There is nothing morally or ethically wrong with giving consequences

for bad behavior, such as limiting contact, not staying as a guest in the home

of an abusive person, cutting the visit or phone call short when the person

becomes abusive toward you, etc.

You did not make your mother mentally ill, and you can't cure her. You don't

have that power. Catering to your mother to avoid her abuse or accepting her

abuse actually makes her worse; when you silently accept verbal or other abuse

from your mother, you are showing her that bullying works on you. You are

rewarding her bad behavior.

Your mother is the only one who has the power to choose to change her own

behaviors and to seek therapy in order to help herself do so. No amount of

indulging and catering by you will improve her negative, hostile behaviors.

Nothing you can possibly say or do can cure her of having a personality

disorder. Your only power is the power to control your own decisions and

behaviors: you can walk away from an abuser.

Now, on the other hand, if your mother is being abusive towards helpless people:

if she is verbally, emotionally, physically or otherwise cruel and abusive to

children, to an elderly relative, to an ill, dependent, or emotionally disabled

relative (etc.) then, in my opinion something needs to be done about that,

somehow. That's a different situation in my opinion. Minor children and other

powerless dependents are unable to protect themselves from an abusive adult

care-giver and need to be rescued.

But you as a self-actualized, responsible adult have the power to protect

yourself by setting and enforcing personal boundaries, or by going No Contact

(either temporarily or permanently.)

Taking up and wielding your adult power in an assertive but concerned and

ethical way is very...

adult!

-Annie

>

> Thanks C

>

> I'm amazed at the similarities in the group and relieved to have others to

talk to. I tried to explain the whole BPD to my sister and how her behavior is a

perfect example of the disorder but was met with " OMG I can't be doing with it,

what with her and my boss I'm so stressed " . So, I feel completely alone on this

journey (this far). My sister and I have and stop experience major rages and

verbal abuse. In fact my mother is in the witch mode most of the time! She says

the meanest things to her 83 year old mother and mentally handicapped sister

it's so heartbreaking. But the whole family has jus dismissed her as 'a very

difficult but often helpful person " . She can't sort out a crisis in an instance

by knowing a number of an to call, what needs to happen, etc. that is her bait

for reeling everyone back in.

>

> It's interesting that you should talk about your nada and the Ravi g over

dinner. Last week my sister, aunt and Grandma went to her house for dinner. My

grandma asked my sister to get her slippers but my sister couldn't find them. As

soon as my sister asked my mum where the were she flew at her calling her

" stupid, incapable, selfish " , my sister said it was ugly, but luckily she said

to her " I'm not standing for this and walked out " , the only bad thing is that

she left me 83 year old grandma to bear the brunt of he rage. my poor aunt had a

cold and she kept yelling at her for coughing! How sad is that. My aunt who is

handicapped just started to rock and talk to herself. I'm so angry most of he

time!

>

> This is just one instance of a reoccurring behavior. I used to dread Xmas day

as a child as it always ended up in tears!

>

> I'm meant to be her in Florida at her house on 3 weeks and I know that she

will start. I want to go to say bye to my dad who is going to work in Saudi for

6 months (his avoidance technique). I think I'm going to suggest we either stay

overnight in a hotel or drive home that same day (charleston). It would be a

major boundary setter if I could manage that.

>

> Gosh it's a mess!!! Thank God I finally realize it's not me!!

>

> Thanks for your reply I truly appreciate it

>

> Mel

[Guest guest]

Mel, I wish you the best. Sounds like Annie is pointing you in the right

direction.

On Wed, Jan 25, 2012 at 9:58 AM, anuria67854 wrote:

> **

>

>

> Boundary-setting is not easy, but its better than the alternative of

> remaining the equivalent of an abused child into adulthood.

>

> Boundary-setting means standing up to someone who we've been trained to

> fear or to defer to and obey, or risk unleashing their wrath, but as adults

> we now have both the right and the power to set reasonable, normal

> boundaries for ourselves.

>

> One of the hard parts about setting real boundaries is overcoming the fear

> of " setting them off " , giving them a reason to light into us and vilify us,

> possibly having evil rumors spread about us, etc. Its like trying to swim

> up a waterfall to overcome a lifetime of conditioning to respect and obey

> and defer to one's parent, but, its possible.

>

> Another hard part is getting past the feelings of guilt, as in " FOG " : or

> Fear-Obligation-Guilt that the adult children of pd parents are usually

> saddled with.

>

> It can help to understand and accept that any guilt feelings you might be

> experiencing for setting boundaries are both misplaced and inappropriate.

> There is nothing morally or ethically wrong with protecting yourself from a

> harmful person. There is nothing morally or ethically wrong with giving

> consequences for bad behavior, such as limiting contact, not staying as a

> guest in the home of an abusive person, cutting the visit or phone call

> short when the person becomes abusive toward you, etc.

>

> You did not make your mother mentally ill, and you can't cure her. You

> don't have that power. Catering to your mother to avoid her abuse or

> accepting her abuse actually makes her worse; when you silently accept

> verbal or other abuse from your mother, you are showing her that bullying

> works on you. You are rewarding her bad behavior.

>

> Your mother is the only one who has the power to choose to change her own

> behaviors and to seek therapy in order to help herself do so. No amount of

> indulging and catering by you will improve her negative, hostile behaviors.

> Nothing you can possibly say or do can cure her of having a personality

> disorder. Your only power is the power to control your own decisions and

> behaviors: you can walk away from an abuser.

>

> Now, on the other hand, if your mother is being abusive towards helpless

> people: if she is verbally, emotionally, physically or otherwise cruel and

> abusive to children, to an elderly relative, to an ill, dependent, or

> emotionally disabled relative (etc.) then, in my opinion something needs to

> be done about that, somehow. That's a different situation in my opinion.

> Minor children and other powerless dependents are unable to protect

> themselves from an abusive adult care-giver and need to be rescued.

>

> But you as a self-actualized, responsible adult have the power to protect

> yourself by setting and enforcing personal boundaries, or by going No

> Contact (either temporarily or permanently.)

>

> Taking up and wielding your adult power in an assertive but concerned and

> ethical way is very...

> adult!

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

> >

> > Thanks C

> >

> > I'm amazed at the similarities in the group and relieved to have others

> to talk to. I tried to explain the whole BPD to my sister and how her

> behavior is a perfect example of the disorder but was met with " OMG I can't

> be doing with it, what with her and my boss I'm so stressed " . So, I feel

> completely alone on this journey (this far). My sister and I have and stop

> experience major rages and verbal abuse. In fact my mother is in the witch

> mode most of the time! She says the meanest things to her 83 year old

> mother and mentally handicapped sister it's so heartbreaking. But the whole

> family has jus dismissed her as 'a very difficult but often helpful

> person " . She can't sort out a crisis in an instance by knowing a number of

> an to call, what needs to happen, etc. that is her bait for reeling

> everyone back in.

> >

> > It's interesting that you should talk about your nada and the Ravi g

> over dinner. Last week my sister, aunt and Grandma went to her house for

> dinner. My grandma asked my sister to get her slippers but my sister

> couldn't find them. As soon as my sister asked my mum where the were she

> flew at her calling her " stupid, incapable, selfish " , my sister said it was

> ugly, but luckily she said to her " I'm not standing for this and walked

> out " , the only bad thing is that she left me 83 year old grandma to bear

> the brunt of he rage. my poor aunt had a cold and she kept yelling at her

> for coughing! How sad is that. My aunt who is handicapped just started to

> rock and talk to herself. I'm so angry most of he time!

> >

> > This is just one instance of a reoccurring behavior. I used to dread

> Xmas day as a child as it always ended up in tears!

> >

> > I'm meant to be her in Florida at her house on 3 weeks and I know that

> she will start. I want to go to say bye to my dad who is going to work in

> Saudi for 6 months (his avoidance technique). I think I'm going to suggest

> we either stay overnight in a hotel or drive home that same day

> (charleston). It would be a major boundary setter if I could manage that.

> >

> > Gosh it's a mess!!! Thank God I finally realize it's not me!!

> >

> > Thanks for your reply I truly appreciate it

> >

> > Mel

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Annie

An email that I feel inclined to print off and place in my journal, Thank-you.

You know what's really bad is that my grandmother who is elderly caring for my

disable aunt actually turns on me when I stand up to my nada (her daughter),

it's completely sick!

In 2003 I was pregnant with our first born and when we told her we were

expecting nada went off, called my husband and his family scum, only interested

in our families money, etc, etc, etc. After that I refused to speak to her for a

whole year,,,

after pressure from my family and wanting my children to know their grandmother

I allowed her back in only if she stopped the abuse. Well bad me has allowed her

to escalate to pre 2003 standards!

I have to turn this around, have too!!

Somedays I feel so powerful other days like a helpless child. How can I conquer

this?

Thanks again for your time

Mel x

> > >

> > > Thanks C

> > >

> > > I'm amazed at the similarities in the group and relieved to have others

> > to talk to. I tried to explain the whole BPD to my sister and how her

> > behavior is a perfect example of the disorder but was met with " OMG I can't

> > be doing with it, what with her and my boss I'm so stressed " . So, I feel

> > completely alone on this journey (this far). My sister and I have and stop

> > experience major rages and verbal abuse. In fact my mother is in the witch

> > mode most of the time! She says the meanest things to her 83 year old

> > mother and mentally handicapped sister it's so heartbreaking. But the whole

> > family has jus dismissed her as 'a very difficult but often helpful

> > person " . She can't sort out a crisis in an instance by knowing a number of

> > an to call, what needs to happen, etc. that is her bait for reeling

> > everyone back in.

> > >

> > > It's interesting that you should talk about your nada and the Ravi g

> > over dinner. Last week my sister, aunt and Grandma went to her house for

> > dinner. My grandma asked my sister to get her slippers but my sister

> > couldn't find them. As soon as my sister asked my mum where the were she

> > flew at her calling her " stupid, incapable, selfish " , my sister said it was

> > ugly, but luckily she said to her " I'm not standing for this and walked

> > out " , the only bad thing is that she left me 83 year old grandma to bear

> > the brunt of he rage. my poor aunt had a cold and she kept yelling at her

> > for coughing! How sad is that. My aunt who is handicapped just started to

> > rock and talk to herself. I'm so angry most of he time!

> > >

> > > This is just one instance of a reoccurring behavior. I used to dread

> > Xmas day as a child as it always ended up in tears!

> > >

> > > I'm meant to be her in Florida at her house on 3 weeks and I know that

> > she will start. I want to go to say bye to my dad who is going to work in

> > Saudi for 6 months (his avoidance technique). I think I'm going to suggest

> > we either stay overnight in a hotel or drive home that same day

> > (charleston). It would be a major boundary setter if I could manage that.

> > >

> > > Gosh it's a mess!!! Thank God I finally realize it's not me!!

> > >

> > > Thanks for your reply I truly appreciate it

> > >

> > > Mel

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sometimes, in some situations, I suggest that the adult child of an abusive pd

parent allow herself or himself to access their untapped well of righteous anger

at the unfair way they've been treated. Tell yourself, " I'm not hurt, I'm

f**king ANGRY. How DARE she say that / do that to me!!!? " (etc.)

If a stranger or a neighbor or co-worker treated you the way your own mother

treats you, you'd probably be pretty angry about it. If someone treated your

child badly and made her cry, you be righteously angry at that person, I'm

guessing. All your protective instincts, your " mother bear " instincts would

rear up and tear into anyone who would hurt your child, I'm supposing.

Well, its about being a " mother bear " to yourself. You don't deserve to be

abused, mistreated, and disrespected. Its unfair. In my opinion that unfair

abuse should make you angry.

As children we were voiceless, helpless, and had to accept being abused.

But you are an adult now.

You have a voice, you have power, and you have dignity and human rights.

You don't have to treat your mother with disrespect in return; you don't have

to call her names or try to hurt her or treat her the way she treats you, but

you CAN say " No, mom, that's not OK; I'm leaving now. " and then withstand her

backlash.

You can if you are angry enough.

Its the *you* equivalent of Clint Eastwood saying in that very calm, very quiet

voice, " Go ahead... make my day... "

Or... another possibility is to go total No Contact with no explanation. There

is more than one way to handle these things, and its all about what works best

for *you*. Its all about what you need, now, not about nada. In my opinion.

-Annie

PS: RE using anger: the trick is to not stay angry. Anger feels so protective

and safe, but its dangerous to remain in anger. Once its done its job to

protect you and help you protect others, you have to let it go or it will eat

you alive. Its a powerful weapon but use it sparingly.

>

> Thanks Annie

>

> An email that I feel inclined to print off and place in my journal, Thank-you.

You know what's really bad is that my grandmother who is elderly caring for my

disable aunt actually turns on me when I stand up to my nada (her daughter),

it's completely sick!

>

> In 2003 I was pregnant with our first born and when we told her we were

expecting nada went off, called my husband and his family scum, only interested

in our families money, etc, etc, etc. After that I refused to speak to her for a

whole year,,,

> after pressure from my family and wanting my children to know their

grandmother I allowed her back in only if she stopped the abuse. Well bad me has

allowed her to escalate to pre 2003 standards!

>

> I have to turn this around, have too!!

>

> Somedays I feel so powerful other days like a helpless child. How can I

conquer this?

>

> Thanks again for your time

>

> Mel x

[Guest guest]

Just wanted to point out that, IMO, you are *not* bad. Your mother is the one

with the problem(s). You've just been doing your best to cope with her behavior

and the pressure from your relatives. Now that you know more, you can work on

finding ways to keep yourself and your family safe while still having and

allowing your kids to have, when/if possible, a relationship with your mother.

You are innately good!

((HUGS))

PJ

....

>Well bad me has allowed her to escalate to pre 2003 standards!

[Guest guest]

Hi PJ

Thank-you, thank-you for your response. You know yesterday I was feeling low and

then I logged onto the site and read so many positive, encouraging,

non-judgmental and honest posts that I realized that you're right! I wasn't a

bad child and I'm not a bad mother, wife or person.

I had to journal this week and had to write down what was said and done to me as

a child and then write down the message I received. god, it was painful! One

entry was when I was 8 and I stood up to my nada's bullying and violent abuse.

When I fought back she dragged me by may hair and raged about how I better

straighten up or I was going to boarding school as I was the root of our

family's unhappiness. I bought into that and went into my pocket money and

bought her a little box of chocolates and posted a " I'm sorry x " note on it. To

this day I can still feel the hurt when I gave it to her and she completely

disregarded my gesture and continued cooking in the kitchen. What a witch!

As an adult I realize (but struggle with my anger) that you know what I didn't

deserve to be dragged by my hair and my reaction was completely fight or

flight,!,

I'm just happy that I don't treat my children that way. If anything I'm

constantly checking myself!

Thanks for your post and have a great day

Mel x

>

> ...

>

> >Well bad me has allowed her to escalate to pre 2003 standards!

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Annie

You bet I'm angry. As a child I bullied other children and acted out as school

and was labelled 'the little girl with a big attitude' and now as an adult I

turn my anger on my husband and just verbally lash out at my mother.

Reading more and being on this site I am starting realize that I must use my

anger wisely. It is eating me alive. Firstly, it's not healthy for my kids to

see me lash out at my mum; what are they learning. Secondly, that's not

productive as my mum again labels me as having an attitude. Third, my husband

should be the person I go to for support. I have allowed my mother to put her

foot in between our marriage. When I moved to the US, she said " I give your

marriage 6 months " . What kind of crap is that! I'm in the process of re kindling

my marriage with my husband through counseling and education. My nada hates it

I'm also learning to to communicate effectively when she rages or insults or

just calls to chat. I have decided I'm going to give it some time, but if

nothing changes then I am having zero contact with her, for my family's sake.

Tough love is tough!,

Thanks Annie you have been a real source of strength this week!

Here's to a better future

Mel x

> >

> > Thanks Annie

> >

> > An email that I feel inclined to print off and place in my journal,

Thank-you. You know what's really bad is that my grandmother who is elderly

caring for my disable aunt actually turns on me when I stand up to my nada (her

daughter), it's completely sick!

> >

> > In 2003 I was pregnant with our first born and when we told her we were

expecting nada went off, called my husband and his family scum, only interested

in our families money, etc, etc, etc. After that I refused to speak to her for a

whole year,,,

> > after pressure from my family and wanting my children to know their

grandmother I allowed her back in only if she stopped the abuse. Well bad me has

allowed her to escalate to pre 2003 standards!

> >

> > I have to turn this around, have too!!

> >

> > Somedays I feel so powerful other days like a helpless child. How can I

conquer this?

> >

> > Thanks again for your time

> >

> > Mel x

>

[Guest guest]

It sounds like you are feeling more and more empowered and in charge by the

minute! That's really great!

Your nada has done some pretty horrific and inappropriate and heartbreakingly

hurtful, denigrating, shaming things to you; you have the right to be angry

about that.

And you're right, its all about how you handle that anger. I think of my anger

as like a huge, dangerous dog. I have it by my side, on a leash, and its

well-trained.

I could unleash it to protect me if I need to, but just having it there is so

empowering just in and of itself, that I hardly ever need to unleash it. Having

it to hand gives me courage and strength, though. But it really makes a

difference, or at least it did to me, to consciously choose to swap my feelings

of hurt and weakness for my righteous, protective anger: it was very, very

empowering.

(But the unleashed attack dog of my anger may very well turn on me and start

eating me alive if i " sic " it on someone; that's why it stays leashed and obeys

my commands, in a manner of speaking.)

It sounds like you are discovering what will work best for you, and THAT, bottom

line, is what its really all about. Big thumb's up of encouragement from me!

-Annie

> > >

> > > Thanks Annie

> > >

> > > An email that I feel inclined to print off and place in my journal,

Thank-you. You know what's really bad is that my grandmother who is elderly

caring for my disable aunt actually turns on me when I stand up to my nada (her

daughter), it's completely sick!

> > >

> > > In 2003 I was pregnant with our first born and when we told her we were

expecting nada went off, called my husband and his family scum, only interested

in our families money, etc, etc, etc. After that I refused to speak to her for a

whole year,,,

> > > after pressure from my family and wanting my children to know their

grandmother I allowed her back in only if she stopped the abuse. Well bad me has

allowed her to escalate to pre 2003 standards!

> > >

> > > I have to turn this around, have too!!

> > >

> > > Somedays I feel so powerful other days like a helpless child. How can I

conquer this?

> > >

> > > Thanks again for your time

> > >

> > > Mel x

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Annie

Hope you're well. Yes, the more I talk and discover the stronger my motivation.

I think talking about BPD with my hubby and then having a real long talk with my

Dad today has been so valuable. Even though they are limited in their ability to

help me (they are carrying their own high emotions about nada and her attacks on

them) just the fact that we are having dialogue with structure is really

helping!

I have excluded nada today, I haven't answered her calls. I just can't be

bothered with her yet and I want to practice my boundary building in my head,

how I will answer her insults minus anger, etc! That's going to be my challenge

but I think once I do it a couple of times I'll feel more control.

The big test is in 3 weeks when I see her face to face. I bet you she plays the

" sweet nada " roll and tries to reel me in! Not this time, I'm getting smarter by

the day!! If it becomes impossible I will have to go to plan B which is zero

contact. I did it once for almost a year until she promised change; still

waiting!!!!

Thanks for your support and I guess it's a case of 'one day at a time'!!!

Mel x

> > > >

> > > > Thanks Annie

> > > >

> > > > An email that I feel inclined to print off and place in my journal,

Thank-you. You know what's really bad is that my grandmother who is elderly

caring for my disable aunt actually turns on me when I stand up to my nada (her

daughter), it's completely sick!

> > > >

> > > > In 2003 I was pregnant with our first born and when we told her we were

expecting nada went off, called my husband and his family scum, only interested

in our families money, etc, etc, etc. After that I refused to speak to her for a

whole year,,,

> > > > after pressure from my family and wanting my children to know their

grandmother I allowed her back in only if she stopped the abuse. Well bad me has

allowed her to escalate to pre 2003 standards!

> > > >

> > > > I have to turn this around, have too!!

> > > >

> > > > Somedays I feel so powerful other days like a helpless child. How can I

conquer this?

> > > >

> > > > Thanks again for your time

> > > >

> > > > Mel x

> > >

> >

>