Guest guest Posted January 24, 2012 Report Share Posted January 24, 2012 I'm sorry you're mother's so awful. There's no reason to feel guilty because you're not responsible for your mother's well being. Good luck! On Tue, Jan 24, 2012 at 3:19 PM, gleaming_tiger wrote: > ** > > > I am new to this group. I just recently came to the realization of my moms > mental illness. I've always known she was depressed (multiple suicide > threats and one attempt putting her in the state hosp for a few days), > alcoholic and meaner than heck as a kid. Wild screaming punchouts were > normal followed by icecream and a movie the next day never discussing the > behavior. > > Now she is absolutely helpless, pathetically sad, say's really cutting > things when no ones around and reminds me daily of how much I owe her > because she put braces on my teeth or that she worked hard to pay vet bills > or that she watched my kids during the day for a few years when I was going > to school. > > I have just realized over the past year how much control she's had over > me. I've always had this heavy feeling around her but have just stuffed > everything when I'm around her. At this point the resentment I feel is > palpable. > > She was instrumental in my marriage @ 19 to someone I'd been sleeping with > for 3 weeks. Mom took the train out, bought the rings and even helped > arrange the courthouse.....I couldn't stand up and say I wasn't ready, > didn't know if I even loved him.... I simply " had " to because she was coming > and I didn't want to ,no.. really couldn't hear her beratement and > criticism. > > That marriage only lasted a few months but enough to get pergnant because > mom said that the marriage would be better....Dumped at 4 months > pregnant..didn't work so well.. His family were wealthy and I have a hunch > thats what mom saw. > > She stepped in and sabotaged a relationship I had saying my daughter > deserved her father and anyone other then her father would molest my > daughter and totally went crazy when I said I was marrying this other > man........She berated him non-stop and one day he came to the door and I > just sat and cried and told him to go away...he was there for a few hours I > wouldn't take his calls either I didn't know how to tell him I couldn't > marry him because mom didn't approve.....I had always felt a dark despair > around that time in my life but realized this summer I had buried that > whole thing until he looked me up (30 years later)and all the memories came > flooding back! > > Mom contacted my ex and told me he would marry me again and that I should > do it for our daughter.....He was abusive and about as crazy as mom. This > fall he told our 32 year old daughter the only reason he married me was > cause of her. > > I've been married to a great man for 22 years now and we have always taken > care of my mom, she wants to move in. I feel guilty because I don't even > want to be around her and since I'm an only child she has noone else. No > other family stay in touch with her and she's never made friends so she > just say's I'm all she has... > > I know this was rambling I could have put tons in about nutty childhood > escapades but actually Its this recent revelation talking to this boy from > the past that has kinda brought all this stuff to a head in my head so to > speak.... > > So in the end how do I stop feeling guilty, ashamed, and > obligated....Waking up in the middle of the night obsessing about what to > do for her. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 25, 2012 Report Share Posted January 25, 2012 Hi Gleaming Tiger I know what you mean about the guilt...but I think that really you have to take care of yourself. If your mother is going to be abusive towards you, not respect your boundaries and basically cause you a lot of happiness then you owe it to yourself and your husband to prevent that. It doesn't matter what " good things " she has done in the past e.g. paying for braces, looking after your children - you don't deserve abuse. So I guess if you can't ensure she will not behave in that way then you need to consider if it is worth the emotional cost to you. I'm still reading SWOE but that is the gist of what they say, I think. I've gotten to the point where my mother is just causing a lot of negativity in my life and making me very upset so I decided to look after my own needs. Good luck with it. I'm very sorry to hear about your first marriage, that sounds awful but I'm glad you found the right person On Wed, Jan 25, 2012 at 12:17 PM, Millicent Kunstler < millicentkunstler@...> wrote: > I'm sorry you're mother's so awful. There's no reason to feel guilty > because you're not responsible for your mother's well being. Good luck! > > On Tue, Jan 24, 2012 at 3:19 PM, gleaming_tiger <gleaming_tiger@... > >wrote: > > > ** > > > > > > I am new to this group. I just recently came to the realization of my > moms > > mental illness. I've always known she was depressed (multiple suicide > > threats and one attempt putting her in the state hosp for a few days), > > alcoholic and meaner than heck as a kid. Wild screaming punchouts were > > normal followed by icecream and a movie the next day never discussing the > > behavior. > > > > Now she is absolutely helpless, pathetically sad, say's really cutting > > things when no ones around and reminds me daily of how much I owe her > > because she put braces on my teeth or that she worked hard to pay vet > bills > > or that she watched my kids during the day for a few years when I was > going > > to school. > > > > I have just realized over the past year how much control she's had over > > me. I've always had this heavy feeling around her but have just stuffed > > everything when I'm around her. At this point the resentment I feel is > > palpable. > > > > She was instrumental in my marriage @ 19 to someone I'd been sleeping > with > > for 3 weeks. Mom took the train out, bought the rings and even helped > > arrange the courthouse.....I couldn't stand up and say I wasn't ready, > > didn't know if I even loved him.... I simply " had " to because she was > coming > > and I didn't want to ,no.. really couldn't hear her beratement and > > criticism. > > > > That marriage only lasted a few months but enough to get pergnant because > > mom said that the marriage would be better....Dumped at 4 months > > pregnant..didn't work so well.. His family were wealthy and I have a > hunch > > thats what mom saw. > > > > She stepped in and sabotaged a relationship I had saying my daughter > > deserved her father and anyone other then her father would molest my > > daughter and totally went crazy when I said I was marrying this other > > man........She berated him non-stop and one day he came to the door and I > > just sat and cried and told him to go away...he was there for a few > hours I > > wouldn't take his calls either I didn't know how to tell him I couldn't > > marry him because mom didn't approve.....I had always felt a dark despair > > around that time in my life but realized this summer I had buried that > > whole thing until he looked me up (30 years later)and all the memories > came > > flooding back! > > > > Mom contacted my ex and told me he would marry me again and that I should > > do it for our daughter.....He was abusive and about as crazy as mom. This > > fall he told our 32 year old daughter the only reason he married me was > > cause of her. > > > > I've been married to a great man for 22 years now and we have always > taken > > care of my mom, she wants to move in. I feel guilty because I don't even > > want to be around her and since I'm an only child she has noone else. No > > other family stay in touch with her and she's never made friends so she > > just say's I'm all she has... > > > > I know this was rambling I could have put tons in about nutty childhood > > escapades but actually Its this recent revelation talking to this boy > from > > the past that has kinda brought all this stuff to a head in my head so to > > speak.... > > > > So in the end how do I stop feeling guilty, ashamed, and > > obligated....Waking up in the middle of the night obsessing about what to > > do for her. > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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