Obsessing about mom

[Guest guest]

I am new to this group. I just recently came to the realization of my moms

mental illness. I've always known she was depressed (multiple suicide threats

and one attempt putting her in the state hosp for a few days), alcoholic and

meaner than heck as a kid. Wild screaming punchouts were normal followed by

icecream and a movie the next day never discussing the behavior.

Now she is absolutely helpless, pathetically sad, say's really cutting things

when no ones around and reminds me daily of how much I owe her because she put

braces on my teeth or that she worked hard to pay vet bills or that she watched

my kids during the day for a few years when I was going to school.

I have just realized over the past year how much control she's had over me. I've

always had this heavy feeling around her but have just stuffed everything when

I'm around her. At this point the resentment I feel is palpable.

She was instrumental in my marriage @ 19 to someone I'd been sleeping with for 3

weeks. Mom took the train out, bought the rings and even helped arrange the

courthouse.....I couldn't stand up and say I wasn't ready, didn't know if I even

loved him.... I simply " had " to because she was coming and I didn't want to ,no..

really couldn't hear her beratement and criticism.

That marriage only lasted a few months but enough to get pergnant because mom

said that the marriage would be better....Dumped at 4 months pregnant..didn't

work so well.. His family were wealthy and I have a hunch thats what mom saw.

She stepped in and sabotaged a relationship I had saying my daughter deserved

her father and anyone other then her father would molest my daughter and totally

went crazy when I said I was marrying this other man........She berated him

non-stop and one day he came to the door and I just sat and cried and told him

to go away...he was there for a few hours I wouldn't take his calls either I

didn't know how to tell him I couldn't marry him because mom didn't

approve.....I had always felt a dark despair around that time in my life but

realized this summer I had buried that whole thing until he looked me up (30

years later)and all the memories came flooding back!

Mom contacted my ex and told me he would marry me again and that I should do it

for our daughter.....He was abusive and about as crazy as mom. This fall he told

our 32 year old daughter the only reason he married me was cause of her.

I've been married to a great man for 22 years now and we have always taken care

of my mom, she wants to move in. I feel guilty because I don't even want to be

around her and since I'm an only child she has noone else. No other family stay

in touch with her and she's never made friends so she just say's I'm all she

has...

I know this was rambling I could have put tons in about nutty childhood

escapades but actually Its this recent revelation talking to this boy from the

past that has kinda brought all this stuff to a head in my head so to speak....

So in the end how do I stop feeling guilty, ashamed, and obligated....Waking up

in the middle of the night obsessing about what to do for her.