Guest guest Posted January 25, 2012 Report Share Posted January 25, 2012 I did not answer the phone the last 2 times nada called this week. I never thought I could do it. I feel incredibly in control now. whoa dictating my own life! amazing. I am scared because I know she will be whiny and cry at me the next time she calls, but I have decided that the next time she calls I will slam her with a boundary. I may just have to do that from now on I am almost looking forward to her call. I am going to use the method outlined in SWOE called DEAR. I have been puzzling on just the right way to say it. this is a situation I have talked about here before. feedback would be nice. I am planning to read the following. I fully expect many stories to arise of what I actually said, so I want to make it possible to repeat exactly what was said. e-mail is not really reliable because she does not always use it, and may deny she got it, and continue her crap. I may even take notes of her reaction. just for fun. Describe: each time I have talked to you for the last four months you ask questions about when DH is going to graduate, when, if and where, he has applied, if he is really going to do a post-doc. if he really is going to be a professor, if he has applied for any industry jobs. before we moved here 4 1/2 years ago DH made the decision that he was going to earn a PHD in 5+years. and then find a post-doc position, because is is necessary to his career, and then seek out a job as a professor. this plan is still on track no deadlines have been missed, and nothing has changed. the application process for post docs is slow. how it works is DH needs to spend a lot of time looking at professors and what they research, and what equipment they use etc. then he will ask if they are accepting any applicants in those labs. then they have a number of months to decide if they have room in the lab, funding, and interest in him being part of the lab. at which point DH will have to look at the choices and decide which are relevant to his interests, career, and needs. we will not know for at least four months from now what the options are. and all decisions made in those 4+ months are irrelevant, and we are not discussing them. Express: when you ask these questions I feel judged. I feel like you expect DH to graduate on a time line that is convenient for you. I feel like you are disappointed that DH is not in a high paying industry job. I also feel that you do not respect that we need to make a decision of where to go based on relevant factors like the fact that this choice determines his entire career. I also feel like you are accusing me of being secretive and sneaky and deceptive because you often say things like " we really want to know what is going on " after I fill you in on the fact that nothing has happened yet. I am frustrated because I feel that you don't trust us to make this decision without you. I also feel that you think you have decision making power in this situation. This is a decision to be made between DH and me. Assert: I know that you are interested in what I do with my life. I intend to tell you all information that is relevant to you when the information exists. such as: when DH will graduate, when we are moving, where we are going, and approximately how long we will be there. this is information I will share with you and it does not need to be asked for. if you continue to ask questions I do not have an answer to I will not discuss it with you. Reinforce: it makes me feel judged and frustrated when you push this subject. if you wait for me to tell you any new information on the subject our conversations will be much more pleasant for both of us. If you do continue to try to discuss this subject I will have to end my conversation with you. our conversations will be more pleasant if you don't bring any of this up. if you do want to discuss this topic outside of the perimeters I am comfortable with I will have to end our conversation. Counter-moves: at this point I expect Nada to cry, and accuse me of " overreacting " and say something along the lines of how I have a " chip on my shoulder " to bring this up when she did not. etc.(she brings it up every week) she will likely also cry and try to manipulate me with her profession of love, concern, and how she would never offend me etc. and inform me that I am not being sympathetic to her wishes. I also expect flying monkeys. but there is no trouble since there is no info. I am keeping from her, so there is very little to discuss with them. and if I stick to the script I can defend myself with what was really said. at this point I will inform her that I would prefer not to talk to her when she is upset and end the conversation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 25, 2012 Report Share Posted January 25, 2012 That sounds very well stated, logical, assertive plan of action that is protective, and yet not belligerent or mean. Well done! Big thumbs up for being proactive and establishing firm, reasonable boundaries with your nada. When the person with bpd acts like a whiny, demanding child ( " Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? " ) then you have to treat them like a child. -Annie > > I did not answer the phone the last 2 times nada called this week. I never thought I could do it. I feel incredibly in control now. whoa dictating my own life! amazing. I am scared because I know she will be whiny and cry at me the next time she calls, but I have decided that the next time she calls I will slam her with a boundary. > > I may just have to do that from now on I am almost looking forward to her call. > > I am going to use the method outlined in SWOE called DEAR. I have been puzzling on just the right way to say it. this is a situation I have talked about here before. feedback would be nice. > > I am planning to read the following. I fully expect many stories to arise of what I actually said, so I want to make it possible to repeat exactly what was said. e-mail is not really reliable because she does not always use it, and may deny she got it, and continue her crap. I may even take notes of her reaction. just for fun. > > Describe: > > each time I have talked to you for the last four months you ask questions about when DH is going to graduate, when, if and where, he has applied, if he is really going to do a post-doc. if he really is going to be a professor, if he has applied for any industry jobs. > > before we moved here 4 1/2 years ago DH made the decision that he was going to earn a PHD in 5+years. and then find a post-doc position, because is is necessary to his career, and then seek out a job as a professor. this plan is still on track no deadlines have been missed, and nothing has changed. > > the application process for post docs is slow. how it works is DH needs to spend a lot of time looking at professors and what they research, and what equipment they use etc. then he will ask if they are accepting any applicants in those labs. then they have a number of months to decide if they have room in the lab, funding, and interest in him being part of the lab. at which point DH will have to look at the choices and decide which are relevant to his interests, career, and needs. > > we will not know for at least four months from now what the options are. and all decisions made in those 4+ months are irrelevant, and we are not discussing them. > > Express: > > when you ask these questions I feel judged. I feel like you expect DH to graduate on a time line that is convenient for you. I feel like you are disappointed that DH is not in a high paying industry job. I also feel that you do not respect that we need to make a decision of where to go based on relevant factors like the fact that this choice determines his entire career. I also feel like you are accusing me of being secretive and sneaky and deceptive because you often say things like " we really want to know what is going on " after I fill you in on the fact that nothing has happened yet. > > > I am frustrated because I feel that you don't trust us to make this decision without you. I also feel that you think you have decision making power in this situation. This is a decision to be made between DH and me. > > Assert: > > I know that you are interested in what I do with my life. I intend to tell you all information that is relevant to you when the information exists. such as: when DH will graduate, when we are moving, where we are going, and approximately how long we will be there. this is information I will share with you and it does not need to be asked for. > > if you continue to ask questions I do not have an answer to I will not discuss it with you. > > Reinforce: > it makes me feel judged and frustrated when you push this subject. if you wait for me to tell you any new information on the subject our conversations will be much more pleasant for both of us. If you do continue to try to discuss this subject I will have to end my conversation with you. > our conversations will be more pleasant if you don't bring any of this up. > > if you do want to discuss this topic outside of the perimeters I am comfortable with I will have to end our conversation. > > Counter-moves: > > at this point I expect Nada to cry, and accuse me of " overreacting " and say something along the lines of how I have a " chip on my shoulder " to bring this up when she did not. etc.(she brings it up every week) > > she will likely also cry and try to manipulate me with her profession of love, concern, and how she would never offend me etc. and inform me that I am not being sympathetic to her wishes. > > I also expect flying monkeys. but there is no trouble since there is no info. I am keeping from her, so there is very little to discuss with them. and if I stick to the script I can defend myself with what was really said. > > at this point I will inform her that I would prefer not to talk to her when she is upset and end the conversation. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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