Guest guest Posted July 11, 2011 Report Share Posted July 11, 2011 My Sister is keeping me updated on our nada's situation and it isn't good news. Last week, Sister got nada relocated into an assisted living residence (because our nada began hallucinating a few months ago, and it kept getting progressively worse until nada began wandering around her apartment complex alone at night, leaving her valuables scattered around outdoors, trying to invite small children into her apartment without their mother's knowledge or permission, and making frequent calls to the apartment manager and to 911 claiming that people were breaking into her apartment). At first nada seemed to like the assisted living residence quite a lot. She was able to keep some of her things around her, some of her furniture and decorative items, pictures, some of her collectibles, and even her pet cat. But today Sister informed me that our nada is not only hallucinating pretty much all the time now (the med the psychiatrist put her on hasn't worked at all), but today our nada (1) became irrationally angry at one of the care-givers and attacked her, hurting her, and then (2) fell and broke her wrist. Her wrist has been treated, but she's still not responding to the antipsychotic meds. One of our cousins has very generously and sweetly offered to keep an eye on our nada (nada is still at the assisted living residence for now) until Sister gets back into town on Friday, but Sister is thinking that the assisted living residence may not be willing to keep nada if she has become violent. (Nada was verbally abusive and physically violent with Sister and me when we were kids, but as we grew up nada became less physically violent and was verbally /emotionally abusive instead.) Sister will have a meeting with the assisted living facility's manager to discuss what our options are, when she returns. I'm pretty sure that unless our nada's violent behaviors and hallucinations can be controlled with the right meds, she may have to be relocated again to a different facility that is set up to manage violent Alzheimer's patients. I'm sure that will make nada even more upset and angry. All this is coming down so suddenly. Six months ago our nada was just kind of forgetful and was being her usual sometimes-mean, sometimes-nice self, but over the last six months her hallucinations became overt/obvious, increased in frequency, and her paranoia and delusions increased. I have to be prepared that at any time now I may have to take a leave of absence from my clients' projects and fly across country to help my Sister deal with this in person. Its not fair for Sister to have to manage this alone. Its all just so very sad, and very upsetting. I feel sorry for my nada; she is obviously suffering, but at the same time I am afraid of her (I always have been) and although I know that is irrational, still I am very grateful that I am not yet being asked to deal with this in person. My Sister is a total commander-in-chief in this regard, she is handling it all so well, its just that she should not have to do it alone. But if I have to drop my clients' projects that will seriously impact my professional reputation and standing and my ability to earn a living. Well, thanks for letting me vent. Its not a sweet and gentle decline for my nada, instead she's sort of reverted to the angry, frustrated, paranoid, delusional, violent, lashing-out nada she was when Sister and I were little. Its sad for all three of us. -Annie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2011 Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 Annie, How awful for you all! The decline of a parent is always difficult. Your situation is near impossible, between the BPD, the miles apart and all broken bridges between. Your sister sounds amazing, btw! My grand-nada (NPD) exhibited the same symptoms you are describing, although it took her a few more months to get there (your nada has gone downhill faster, I think). My grandma was having mini-strokes, but they eventually just called it Alzheimers because it produces the same symptoms. When she attacked her roommate, the only way they would keep her in the care center was to have her sedated or tied to the bed. She was way out of it by that point, more like a small child. She not only didn't know my mother most of the time, but only wanted to talk about her 'cat' (she hadn't had a cat in years). If you do end up facing your nada, just remember it will be from a place of great strength: the healthy, grown up you of today, not the child she could abuse. You don't need anything from nada at this point. But your sister might need you before this is done. Take care <<hugs>> > > My Sister is keeping me updated on our nada's situation and it isn't good news. Last week, Sister got nada relocated into an assisted living residence (because our nada began hallucinating a few months ago, and it kept getting progressively worse until nada began wandering around her apartment complex alone at night, leaving her valuables scattered around outdoors, trying to invite small children into her apartment without their mother's knowledge or permission, and making frequent calls to the apartment manager and to 911 claiming that people were breaking into her apartment). > > At first nada seemed to like the assisted living residence quite a lot. She was able to keep some of her things around her, some of her furniture and decorative items, pictures, some of her collectibles, and even her pet cat. > > But today Sister informed me that our nada is not only hallucinating pretty much all the time now (the med the psychiatrist put her on hasn't worked at all), but today our nada (1) became irrationally angry at one of the care-givers and attacked her, hurting her, and then (2) fell and broke her wrist. Her wrist has been treated, but she's still not responding to the antipsychotic meds. > > One of our cousins has very generously and sweetly offered to keep an eye on our nada (nada is still at the assisted living residence for now) until Sister gets back into town on Friday, but Sister is thinking that the assisted living residence may not be willing to keep nada if she has become violent. (Nada was verbally abusive and physically violent with Sister and me when we were kids, but as we grew up nada became less physically violent and was verbally /emotionally abusive instead.) > > Sister will have a meeting with the assisted living facility's manager to discuss what our options are, when she returns. I'm pretty sure that unless our nada's violent behaviors and hallucinations can be controlled with the right meds, she may have to be relocated again to a different facility that is set up to manage violent Alzheimer's patients. I'm sure that will make nada even more upset and angry. > > All this is coming down so suddenly. Six months ago our nada was just kind of forgetful and was being her usual sometimes-mean, sometimes-nice self, but over the last six months her hallucinations became overt/obvious, increased in frequency, and her paranoia and delusions increased. > > I have to be prepared that at any time now I may have to take a leave of absence from my clients' projects and fly across country to help my Sister deal with this in person. Its not fair for Sister to have to manage this alone. Its all just so very sad, and very upsetting. I feel sorry for my nada; she is obviously suffering, but at the same time I am afraid of her (I always have been) and although I know that is irrational, still I am very grateful that I am not yet being asked to deal with this in person. My Sister is a total commander-in-chief in this regard, she is handling it all so well, its just that she should not have to do it alone. But if I have to drop my clients' projects that will seriously impact my professional reputation and standing and my ability to earn a living. > > Well, thanks for letting me vent. Its not a sweet and gentle decline for my nada, instead she's sort of reverted to the angry, frustrated, paranoid, delusional, violent, lashing-out nada she was when Sister and I were little. Its sad for all three of us. > > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2011 Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 > > > I have to be prepared that at any time now I may have to take a leave of absence from my clients' projects and fly across country to help my Sister deal with this in person. Its not fair for Sister to have to manage this alone. Its all just so very sad, and very upsetting. I feel sorry for my nada; she is obviously suffering, but at the same time I am afraid of her (I always have been) and although I know that is irrational, still I am very grateful that I am not yet being asked to deal with this in person. My Sister is a total commander-in-chief in this regard, she is handling it all so well, its just that she should not have to do it alone. But if I have to drop my clients' projects that will seriously impact my professional reputation and standing and my ability to earn a living. > HUGS to you Annie. It sounds like things are really serious with your nada now. Have you had an open heart-to-heart talk with your sister about how she feels about you not being there in person? From the sound of it she might actually be okay with it and maybe there are other ways you can help her from a distance? It would be sad for you to put yourself at psychological risk and professional risk too out of a guilt and obligation which may not even be needed? When my grandmother was in the nursing home I called her frequently and also talked to the staff and the doctors about meds - I was able to be involved and make a difference in her care even from far away. Perhaps your sister might find that type of involvement helpful too - also I bet there's tons of paper work and dealing with insurance companies she could send your way. Just trying to think of safe ways you can be involved. Take care, Eliza Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2011 Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 (((Annie))) I'm so sorry for how it's going. I don't think it's irrational to be afraid of her. I feel that way, too, many times, like I'm a child again and of her (imagined) power over me. It's especially awful that she's gone back to the person she was. Except now she's a powerless monster. Maybe you can just take a few days or a week off instead of an extended leave, just some time to show your sister you're in solidarity with her. Although your sister doesn't sound like she's asking this of you. She sounds truly amazing. Please continue keeping us in the loop. Hugs! Fiona > > My Sister is keeping me updated on our nada's situation and it isn't good news. Last week, Sister got nada relocated into an assisted living residence (because our nada began hallucinating a few months ago, and it kept getting progressively worse until nada began wandering around her apartment complex alone at night, leaving her valuables scattered around outdoors, trying to invite small children into her apartment without their mother's knowledge or permission, and making frequent calls to the apartment manager and to 911 claiming that people were breaking into her apartment). > > At first nada seemed to like the assisted living residence quite a lot. She was able to keep some of her things around her, some of her furniture and decorative items, pictures, some of her collectibles, and even her pet cat. > > But today Sister informed me that our nada is not only hallucinating pretty much all the time now (the med the psychiatrist put her on hasn't worked at all), but today our nada (1) became irrationally angry at one of the care-givers and attacked her, hurting her, and then (2) fell and broke her wrist. Her wrist has been treated, but she's still not responding to the antipsychotic meds. > > One of our cousins has very generously and sweetly offered to keep an eye on our nada (nada is still at the assisted living residence for now) until Sister gets back into town on Friday, but Sister is thinking that the assisted living residence may not be willing to keep nada if she has become violent. (Nada was verbally abusive and physically violent with Sister and me when we were kids, but as we grew up nada became less physically violent and was verbally /emotionally abusive instead.) > > Sister will have a meeting with the assisted living facility's manager to discuss what our options are, when she returns. I'm pretty sure that unless our nada's violent behaviors and hallucinations can be controlled with the right meds, she may have to be relocated again to a different facility that is set up to manage violent Alzheimer's patients. I'm sure that will make nada even more upset and angry. > > All this is coming down so suddenly. Six months ago our nada was just kind of forgetful and was being her usual sometimes-mean, sometimes-nice self, but over the last six months her hallucinations became overt/obvious, increased in frequency, and her paranoia and delusions increased. > > I have to be prepared that at any time now I may have to take a leave of absence from my clients' projects and fly across country to help my Sister deal with this in person. Its not fair for Sister to have to manage this alone. Its all just so very sad, and very upsetting. I feel sorry for my nada; she is obviously suffering, but at the same time I am afraid of her (I always have been) and although I know that is irrational, still I am very grateful that I am not yet being asked to deal with this in person. My Sister is a total commander-in-chief in this regard, she is handling it all so well, its just that she should not have to do it alone. But if I have to drop my clients' projects that will seriously impact my professional reputation and standing and my ability to earn a living. > > Well, thanks for letting me vent. Its not a sweet and gentle decline for my nada, instead she's sort of reverted to the angry, frustrated, paranoid, delusional, violent, lashing-out nada she was when Sister and I were little. Its sad for all three of us. > > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2011 Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 Annie - I'm so sorry to hear that she's deteriorating so fast. There are assisted living facilities that have different " halls " - some locked, some not - for the progressive stages of Alzheimer's (my Nada is in such a place, but is on the unrestricted ward - when she takes her meds regularly, the dementia is not so evident). If you can find one of those places, you mother will just move from ward to ward within the same facility, making life much easier for all of you. Can you maybe just take some 4 or 5 day weekends to give your sistera hand? A lot of the paperwork can really be done long distance or by email - especially keeping up with the Medicare and insurance filing. And don't feel scared to deal with your Nada now - there is staff to help with this, and they are trained to cope with Alzheimer's patients - I know you already are aware that violent behavior is part of that disease process. Your Nada has finally crossed a border into a realm where she can be " diagnosed " with something that everybody understands - so it's not just you and your sister that see the violent bizarre behavior. Having her entire medical and care team on the same page is actually a bonus. You will never again have to deal with friends and enablers who just don't see the mental illness. I wish you and your sister peace in this process. You will both do the right thing, with integrity and compassion, because that's who you are. And there WILL be an end to it. > > > > My Sister is keeping me updated on our nada's situation and it isn't good news. Last week, Sister got nada relocated into an assisted living residence (because our nada began hallucinating a few months ago, and it kept getting progressively worse until nada began wandering around her apartment complex alone at night, leaving her valuables scattered around outdoors, trying to invite small children into her apartment without their mother's knowledge or permission, and making frequent calls to the apartment manager and to 911 claiming that people were breaking into her apartment). > > > > At first nada seemed to like the assisted living residence quite a lot. She was able to keep some of her things around her, some of her furniture and decorative items, pictures, some of her collectibles, and even her pet cat. > > > > But today Sister informed me that our nada is not only hallucinating pretty much all the time now (the med the psychiatrist put her on hasn't worked at all), but today our nada (1) became irrationally angry at one of the care-givers and attacked her, hurting her, and then (2) fell and broke her wrist. Her wrist has been treated, but she's still not responding to the antipsychotic meds. > > > > One of our cousins has very generously and sweetly offered to keep an eye on our nada (nada is still at the assisted living residence for now) until Sister gets back into town on Friday, but Sister is thinking that the assisted living residence may not be willing to keep nada if she has become violent. (Nada was verbally abusive and physically violent with Sister and me when we were kids, but as we grew up nada became less physically violent and was verbally /emotionally abusive instead.) > > > > Sister will have a meeting with the assisted living facility's manager to discuss what our options are, when she returns. I'm pretty sure that unless our nada's violent behaviors and hallucinations can be controlled with the right meds, she may have to be relocated again to a different facility that is set up to manage violent Alzheimer's patients. I'm sure that will make nada even more upset and angry. > > > > All this is coming down so suddenly. Six months ago our nada was just kind of forgetful and was being her usual sometimes-mean, sometimes-nice self, but over the last six months her hallucinations became overt/obvious, increased in frequency, and her paranoia and delusions increased. > > > > I have to be prepared that at any time now I may have to take a leave of absence from my clients' projects and fly across country to help my Sister deal with this in person. Its not fair for Sister to have to manage this alone. Its all just so very sad, and very upsetting. I feel sorry for my nada; she is obviously suffering, but at the same time I am afraid of her (I always have been) and although I know that is irrational, still I am very grateful that I am not yet being asked to deal with this in person. My Sister is a total commander-in-chief in this regard, she is handling it all so well, its just that she should not have to do it alone. But if I have to drop my clients' projects that will seriously impact my professional reputation and standing and my ability to earn a living. > > > > Well, thanks for letting me vent. Its not a sweet and gentle decline for my nada, instead she's sort of reverted to the angry, frustrated, paranoid, delusional, violent, lashing-out nada she was when Sister and I were little. Its sad for all three of us. > > > > -Annie > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2011 Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 Thanks and everyone here for your support. I am basically on standby; I'm relying on my Sister to let me know if she needs me to be there and I'll hop on a plane. My clients will just have to understand, is all. I figure I can be away for a week, if needed. Sister has basically already dealt with the paperwork and such (she is nothing if not a highly organized and take-charge type) and has already researched various facilities in the area for their quality of care and cost, etc. Sister is frustrated with nada's psychiatrist and wants to have our nada evaluated at a particular hospital that specializes in Alzheimer's patients, for at least 72 hours so they can observe her behaviors; nada does better at certain times of the day, takes sporadic naps during the day, then is up a lot at night, but she is still hallucinating pretty much all the time. Sister thinks nada's current psychiatrist isn't very responsive or involved, so, that's why she wants nada to have the psychiatric observation period at the hospital. Its just... sad. I'm feeling pretty depressed now; I feel sorry for nada, I feel pity for her, she must be bewildered and angry. REally angry. Thank you, I do take some comfort in knowing that our relatives are aware now that my mother is mentally ill. Sister is hesitant to share everything with them, her history of bpd and her abusive behaviors toward us. One aunt knows, at least. I'm going to follow Sister's lead; I respect her judgement. Its always something; if its not one thing, its another. Life won't hold still and just let us have some peace and tranquility for more than a brief heartbeat of time. Thanks, Annie > > > > > > My Sister is keeping me updated on our nada's situation and it isn't good news. Last week, Sister got nada relocated into an assisted living residence (because our nada began hallucinating a few months ago, and it kept getting progressively worse until nada began wandering around her apartment complex alone at night, leaving her valuables scattered around outdoors, trying to invite small children into her apartment without their mother's knowledge or permission, and making frequent calls to the apartment manager and to 911 claiming that people were breaking into her apartment). > > > > > > At first nada seemed to like the assisted living residence quite a lot. She was able to keep some of her things around her, some of her furniture and decorative items, pictures, some of her collectibles, and even her pet cat. > > > > > > But today Sister informed me that our nada is not only hallucinating pretty much all the time now (the med the psychiatrist put her on hasn't worked at all), but today our nada (1) became irrationally angry at one of the care-givers and attacked her, hurting her, and then (2) fell and broke her wrist. Her wrist has been treated, but she's still not responding to the antipsychotic meds. > > > > > > One of our cousins has very generously and sweetly offered to keep an eye on our nada (nada is still at the assisted living residence for now) until Sister gets back into town on Friday, but Sister is thinking that the assisted living residence may not be willing to keep nada if she has become violent. (Nada was verbally abusive and physically violent with Sister and me when we were kids, but as we grew up nada became less physically violent and was verbally /emotionally abusive instead.) > > > > > > Sister will have a meeting with the assisted living facility's manager to discuss what our options are, when she returns. I'm pretty sure that unless our nada's violent behaviors and hallucinations can be controlled with the right meds, she may have to be relocated again to a different facility that is set up to manage violent Alzheimer's patients. I'm sure that will make nada even more upset and angry. > > > > > > All this is coming down so suddenly. Six months ago our nada was just kind of forgetful and was being her usual sometimes-mean, sometimes-nice self, but over the last six months her hallucinations became overt/obvious, increased in frequency, and her paranoia and delusions increased. > > > > > > I have to be prepared that at any time now I may have to take a leave of absence from my clients' projects and fly across country to help my Sister deal with this in person. Its not fair for Sister to have to manage this alone. Its all just so very sad, and very upsetting. I feel sorry for my nada; she is obviously suffering, but at the same time I am afraid of her (I always have been) and although I know that is irrational, still I am very grateful that I am not yet being asked to deal with this in person. My Sister is a total commander-in-chief in this regard, she is handling it all so well, its just that she should not have to do it alone. But if I have to drop my clients' projects that will seriously impact my professional reputation and standing and my ability to earn a living. > > > > > > Well, thanks for letting me vent. Its not a sweet and gentle decline for my nada, instead she's sort of reverted to the angry, frustrated, paranoid, delusional, violent, lashing-out nada she was when Sister and I were little. Its sad for all three of us. > > > > > > -Annie > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2011 Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 caution-strong opinion ahead... i'm always shocked that social workers and other medical/mental health professionals EXPECT us to take care of our nadas when they become elderly or infirm. We have our own FOG to deal with, so it is likely we will do what we can to help, even at our own expense, because that is how a lot of us were raised (to be caretakers). BUT, would these same mental health professionals expect a rape victim to care for her rapist just because he started experiencing a mental decline? The answer is NO. Legally, at least in most US states, adult children aren't responsible for the care of their parent unless they accept the role (ie, move in with them, take guardianship, etc). However, culturally we are expected to " honor thy father and mother " . That philosophy would be fine if we were all raised by June Cleaver, but we weren't. We had crazy mothers who hurt us and affected the course of our development. Many of us have had to struggle to establish any sense of normalcy, and stability. Once established, we should guard it closely. i think it should be your *choice* whether to provide care for your nada. if you can't do it because it would negatively affect your own mental health, or stability (emotional, financial etc), then you have to be brutally honest with 1) yourself, 2) your family, and 3) the interdisciplinary team at the hospital/facility. i am sorry you are faced with these decisions. it is another unfairness in a string of them that is already way too long. thinking of you KF On Tue, Jul 12, 2011 at 8:48 PM, anuria67854 wrote: > ** > > > Thanks and everyone here for your support. I am basically on standby; > I'm relying on my Sister to let me know if she needs me to be there and I'll > hop on a plane. My clients will just have to understand, is all. I figure I > can be away for a week, if needed. > Sister has basically already dealt with the paperwork and such (she is > nothing if not a highly organized and take-charge type) and has already > researched various facilities in the area for their quality of care and > cost, etc. Sister is frustrated with nada's psychiatrist and wants to have > our nada evaluated at a particular hospital that specializes in Alzheimer's > patients, for at least 72 hours so they can observe her behaviors; nada does > better at certain times of the day, takes sporadic naps during the day, then > is up a lot at night, but she is still hallucinating pretty much all the > time. Sister thinks nada's current psychiatrist isn't very responsive or > involved, so, that's why she wants nada to have the psychiatric observation > period at the hospital. > > Its just... sad. I'm feeling pretty depressed now; I feel sorry for nada, I > feel pity for her, she must be bewildered and angry. REally angry. > > Thank you, I do take some comfort in knowing that our relatives are aware > now that my mother is mentally ill. Sister is hesitant to share everything > with them, her history of bpd and her abusive behaviors toward us. One aunt > knows, at least. I'm going to follow Sister's lead; I respect her judgement. > > Its always something; if its not one thing, its another. Life won't hold > still and just let us have some peace and tranquility for more than a brief > heartbeat of time. > > Thanks, > Annie > > > > > > > > > > > My Sister is keeping me updated on our nada's situation and it isn't > good news. Last week, Sister got nada relocated into an assisted living > residence (because our nada began hallucinating a few months ago, and it > kept getting progressively worse until nada began wandering around her > apartment complex alone at night, leaving her valuables scattered around > outdoors, trying to invite small children into her apartment without their > mother's knowledge or permission, and making frequent calls to the apartment > manager and to 911 claiming that people were breaking into her apartment). > > > > > > > > At first nada seemed to like the assisted living residence quite a > lot. She was able to keep some of her things around her, some of her > furniture and decorative items, pictures, some of her collectibles, and even > her pet cat. > > > > > > > > But today Sister informed me that our nada is not only hallucinating > pretty much all the time now (the med the psychiatrist put her on hasn't > worked at all), but today our nada (1) became irrationally angry at one of > the care-givers and attacked her, hurting her, and then (2) fell and broke > her wrist. Her wrist has been treated, but she's still not responding to the > antipsychotic meds. > > > > > > > > One of our cousins has very generously and sweetly offered to keep an > eye on our nada (nada is still at the assisted living residence for now) > until Sister gets back into town on Friday, but Sister is thinking that the > assisted living residence may not be willing to keep nada if she has become > violent. (Nada was verbally abusive and physically violent with Sister and > me when we were kids, but as we grew up nada became less physically violent > and was verbally /emotionally abusive instead.) > > > > > > > > Sister will have a meeting with the assisted living facility's > manager to discuss what our options are, when she returns. I'm pretty sure > that unless our nada's violent behaviors and hallucinations can be > controlled with the right meds, she may have to be relocated again to a > different facility that is set up to manage violent Alzheimer's patients. > I'm sure that will make nada even more upset and angry. > > > > > > > > All this is coming down so suddenly. Six months ago our nada was just > kind of forgetful and was being her usual sometimes-mean, sometimes-nice > self, but over the last six months her hallucinations became overt/obvious, > increased in frequency, and her paranoia and delusions increased. > > > > > > > > I have to be prepared that at any time now I may have to take a leave > of absence from my clients' projects and fly across country to help my > Sister deal with this in person. Its not fair for Sister to have to manage > this alone. Its all just so very sad, and very upsetting. I feel sorry for > my nada; she is obviously suffering, but at the same time I am afraid of her > (I always have been) and although I know that is irrational, still I am very > grateful that I am not yet being asked to deal with this in person. My > Sister is a total commander-in-chief in this regard, she is handling it all > so well, its just that she should not have to do it alone. But if I have to > drop my clients' projects that will seriously impact my professional > reputation and standing and my ability to earn a living. > > > > > > > > Well, thanks for letting me vent. Its not a sweet and gentle decline > for my nada, instead she's sort of reverted to the angry, frustrated, > paranoid, delusional, violent, lashing-out nada she was when Sister and I > were little. Its sad for all three of us. > > > > > > > > -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 13, 2011 Report Share Posted July 13, 2011 Annie, I'ms so sorry. All I can say is a million hugs and maybe even a healing lick from my pet, the real Girlscout. > caution-strong opinion ahead... > > i'm always shocked that social workers and other medical/mental health > professionals EXPECT us to take care of our nadas when they become elderly > or infirm. We have our own FOG to deal with, so it is likely we will do > what we can to help, even at our own expense, because that is how a lot of > us were raised (to be caretakers). BUT, would these same mental health > professionals expect a rape victim to care for her rapist just because he > started experiencing a mental decline? The answer is NO. > > Legally, at least in most US states, adult children aren't responsible for > the care of their parent unless they accept the role (ie, move in with > them, > take guardianship, etc). However, culturally we are expected to " honor thy > a > father and mother " . That philosophy would be fine if we were all raised by > June Cleaver, but we weren't. We had crazy mothers who hurt us and > affected > the course of our development. Many of us have had to struggle to establish > any sense of normalcy, and stability. Once established, we should guard it > closely. > > i think it should be your *choice* whether to provide care for your nada. > if you can't do it because it would negatively affect your own mental > health, or stability (emotional, financial etc), then you have to be > brutally honest with 1) yourself, 2) your family, and 3) the > interdisciplinary team at the hospital/facility. > > i am sorry you are faced with these decisions. it is another unfairness in > a string of them that is already way too long. > > thinking of you > > KF > > > > On Tue, Jul 12, 2011 at 8:48 PM, anuria67854 <anuria-67854@... > >wrote: > > > ** > > > > > > Thanks and everyone here for your support. I am basically on > standby; > > I'm relying on my Sister to let me know if she needs me to be there and > I'll > > hop on a plane. My clients will just have to understand, is all. I figure > I > > can be away for a week, if needed. > > Sister has basically already dealt with the paperwork and such (she is > > nothing if not a highly organized and take-charge type) and has already > > researched various facilities in the area for their quality of care and > > cost, etc. Sister is frustrated with nada's psychiatrist and wants to > have > > our nada evaluated at a particular hospital that specializes in > Alzheimer's > > patients, for at least 72 hours so they can observe her behaviors; nada > does > > better at certain times of the day, takes sporadic naps during the day, > then > > is up a lot at night, but she is still hallucinating pretty much all the > > time. Sister thinks nada's current psychiatrist isn't very responsive or > > involved, so, that's why she wants nada to have the psychiatric > observation > > period at the hospital. > > > > Its just... sad. I'm feeling pretty depressed now; I feel sorry for nada, > I > > feel pity for her, she must be bewildered and angry. REally angry. > > > > Thank you, I do take some comfort in knowing that our relatives are aware > > now that my mother is mentally ill. Sister is hesitant to share > everything > > with them, her history of bpd and her abusive behaviors toward us. One > aunt > > knows, at least. I'm going to follow Sister's lead; I respect her > judgement. > > > > Its always something; if its not one thing, its another. Life won't hold > > still and just let us have some peace and tranquility for more than a > brief > > heartbeat of time. > > > > Thanks, > > Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > My Sister is keeping me updated on our nada's situation and it > isn't > > good news. Last week, Sister got nada relocated into an assisted living > > residence (because our nada began hallucinating a few months ago, and it > > kept getting progressively worse until nada began wandering around her > > apartment complex alone at night, leaving her valuables scattered around > > outdoors, trying to invite small children into her apartment without > their > > mother's knowledge or permission, and making frequent calls to the > apartment > > manager and to 911 claiming that people were breaking into her > apartment). > > > > > > > > > > At first nada seemed to like the assisted living residence quite a > > lot. She was able to keep some of her things around her, some of her > > furniture and decorative items, pictures, some of her collectibles, and > even > > her pet cat. > > > > > > > > > > But today Sister informed me that our nada is not only > hallucinating > > pretty much all the time now (the med the psychiatrist put her on hasn't > > worked at all), but today our nada (1) became irrationally angry at one > of > > the care-givers and attacked her, hurting her, and then (2) fell and > broke > > her wrist. Her wrist has been treated, but she's still not responding to > the > > antipsychotic meds. > > > > > > > > > > One of our cousins has very generously and sweetly offered to keep > an > > eye on our nada (nada is still at the assisted living residence for now) > > until Sister gets back into town on Friday, but Sister is thinking that > the > > assisted living residence may not be willing to keep nada if she has > become > > violent. (Nada was verbally abusive and physically violent with Sister > and > > me when we were kids, but as we grew up nada became less physically > violent > > and was verbally /emotionally abusive instead.) > > > > > > > > > > Sister will have a meeting with the assisted living facility's > > manager to discuss what our options are, when she returns. I'm pretty > sure > > that unless our nada's violent behaviors and hallucinations can be > > controlled with the right meds, she may have to be relocated again to a > > different facility that is set up to manage violent Alzheimer's patients. > > I'm sure that will make nada even more upset and angry. > > > > > > > > > > All this is coming down so suddenly. Six months ago our nada was > just > > kind of forgetful and was being her usual sometimes-mean, sometimes-nice > > self, but over the last six months her hallucinations became > overt/obvious, > > increased in frequency, and her paranoia and delusions increased. > > > > > > > > > > I have to be prepared that at any time now I may have to take a > leave > > of absence from my clients' projects and fly across country to help my > > Sister deal with this in person. Its not fair for Sister to have to > manage > > this alone. Its all just so very sad, and very upsetting. I feel sorry > for > > my nada; she is obviously suffering, but at the same time I am afraid of > her > > (I always have been) and although I know that is irrational, still I am > very > > grateful that I am not yet being asked to deal with this in person. My > > Sister is a total commander-in-chief in this regard, she is handling it > all > > so well, its just that she should not have to do it alone. But if I have > to > > drop my clients' projects that will seriously impact my professional > > reputation and standing and my ability to earn a living. > > > > > > > > > > Well, thanks for letting me vent. Its not a sweet and gentle > decline > > for my nada, instead she's sort of reverted to the angry, frustrated, > > paranoid, delusional, violent, lashing-out nada she was when Sister and I > > were little. Its sad for all three of us. > > > > > > > > > > -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 13, 2011 Report Share Posted July 13, 2011 Dear Annie, I just read your post I'm so sorry for this turn of events, Your compassion for your Nada's pain, even within the destructive nature of her condition is deeply moving. The mystery of BPDs is so painful and confusing, and our relationships with the afflicted individual so complex and convoluted. Yet you have managed, through all the fog, and hurt and grief to take action from a place of grace, strength, and personal integrity. Thank you for sharing your steps along the way. You and your Sister, and your Nada too, will be in my thoughts and heart in the coming days. Peace, and strength be with you, Sunspot On Tue, Jul 12, 2011 at 12:14 AM, anuria67854 wrote: > ** > > > My Sister is keeping me updated on our nada's situation and it isn't good > news. Last week, Sister got nada relocated into an assisted living residence > (because our nada began hallucinating a few months ago, and it kept getting > progressively worse until nada began wandering around her apartment complex > alone at night, leaving her valuables scattered around outdoors, trying to > invite small children into her apartment without their mother's knowledge or > permission, and making frequent calls to the apartment manager and to 911 > claiming that people were breaking into her apartment). > > At first nada seemed to like the assisted living residence quite a lot. She > was able to keep some of her things around her, some of her furniture and > decorative items, pictures, some of her collectibles, and even her pet cat. > > But today Sister informed me that our nada is not only hallucinating pretty > much all the time now (the med the psychiatrist put her on hasn't worked at > all), but today our nada (1) became irrationally angry at one of the > care-givers and attacked her, hurting her, and then (2) fell and broke her > wrist. Her wrist has been treated, but she's still not responding to the > antipsychotic meds. > > One of our cousins has very generously and sweetly offered to keep an eye > on our nada (nada is still at the assisted living residence for now) until > Sister gets back into town on Friday, but Sister is thinking that the > assisted living residence may not be willing to keep nada if she has become > violent. (Nada was verbally abusive and physically violent with Sister and > me when we were kids, but as we grew up nada became less physically violent > and was verbally /emotionally abusive instead.) > > Sister will have a meeting with the assisted living facility's manager to > discuss what our options are, when she returns. I'm pretty sure that unless > our nada's violent behaviors and hallucinations can be controlled with the > right meds, she may have to be relocated again to a different facility that > is set up to manage violent Alzheimer's patients. I'm sure that will make > nada even more upset and angry. > > All this is coming down so suddenly. Six months ago our nada was just kind > of forgetful and was being her usual sometimes-mean, sometimes-nice self, > but over the last six months her hallucinations became overt/obvious, > increased in frequency, and her paranoia and delusions increased. > > I have to be prepared that at any time now I may have to take a leave of > absence from my clients' projects and fly across country to help my Sister > deal with this in person. Its not fair for Sister to have to manage this > alone. Its all just so very sad, and very upsetting. I feel sorry for my > nada; she is obviously suffering, but at the same time I am afraid of her (I > always have been) and although I know that is irrational, still I am very > grateful that I am not yet being asked to deal with this in person. My > Sister is a total commander-in-chief in this regard, she is handling it all > so well, its just that she should not have to do it alone. But if I have to > drop my clients' projects that will seriously impact my professional > reputation and standing and my ability to earn a living. > > Well, thanks for letting me vent. Its not a sweet and gentle decline for my > nada, instead she's sort of reverted to the angry, frustrated, paranoid, > delusional, violent, lashing-out nada she was when Sister and I were little. > Its sad for all three of us. > > -Annie > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 13, 2011 Report Share Posted July 13, 2011 Thanks Sunspot and fellow members for your validation and good wishes. It really does help to have a place full of people who do get how heartbreaking this is, how frustrating, how scary, how crazy-making having a mentally ill parent is. Its like, most people have some awareness that its possible that their elderly parent may succumb to Alzheimers and so they will be robbed of their parent's sweet, true personality at the end of their life, but for those of us with bpd parents, we are basically " robbed " of having a rational, stable, nurturing " normal " parent from the beginning. So again, thanks all of you. Having this place to share what I'm going through means a lot to me. -Annie > > > ** > > > > > > My Sister is keeping me updated on our nada's situation and it isn't good > > news. Last week, Sister got nada relocated into an assisted living residence > > (because our nada began hallucinating a few months ago, and it kept getting > > progressively worse until nada began wandering around her apartment complex > > alone at night, leaving her valuables scattered around outdoors, trying to > > invite small children into her apartment without their mother's knowledge or > > permission, and making frequent calls to the apartment manager and to 911 > > claiming that people were breaking into her apartment). > > > > At first nada seemed to like the assisted living residence quite a lot. She > > was able to keep some of her things around her, some of her furniture and > > decorative items, pictures, some of her collectibles, and even her pet cat. > > > > But today Sister informed me that our nada is not only hallucinating pretty > > much all the time now (the med the psychiatrist put her on hasn't worked at > > all), but today our nada (1) became irrationally angry at one of the > > care-givers and attacked her, hurting her, and then (2) fell and broke her > > wrist. Her wrist has been treated, but she's still not responding to the > > antipsychotic meds. > > > > One of our cousins has very generously and sweetly offered to keep an eye > > on our nada (nada is still at the assisted living residence for now) until > > Sister gets back into town on Friday, but Sister is thinking that the > > assisted living residence may not be willing to keep nada if she has become > > violent. (Nada was verbally abusive and physically violent with Sister and > > me when we were kids, but as we grew up nada became less physically violent > > and was verbally /emotionally abusive instead.) > > > > Sister will have a meeting with the assisted living facility's manager to > > discuss what our options are, when she returns. I'm pretty sure that unless > > our nada's violent behaviors and hallucinations can be controlled with the > > right meds, she may have to be relocated again to a different facility that > > is set up to manage violent Alzheimer's patients. I'm sure that will make > > nada even more upset and angry. > > > > All this is coming down so suddenly. Six months ago our nada was just kind > > of forgetful and was being her usual sometimes-mean, sometimes-nice self, > > but over the last six months her hallucinations became overt/obvious, > > increased in frequency, and her paranoia and delusions increased. > > > > I have to be prepared that at any time now I may have to take a leave of > > absence from my clients' projects and fly across country to help my Sister > > deal with this in person. Its not fair for Sister to have to manage this > > alone. Its all just so very sad, and very upsetting. I feel sorry for my > > nada; she is obviously suffering, but at the same time I am afraid of her (I > > always have been) and although I know that is irrational, still I am very > > grateful that I am not yet being asked to deal with this in person. My > > Sister is a total commander-in-chief in this regard, she is handling it all > > so well, its just that she should not have to do it alone. But if I have to > > drop my clients' projects that will seriously impact my professional > > reputation and standing and my ability to earn a living. > > > > Well, thanks for letting me vent. Its not a sweet and gentle decline for my > > nada, instead she's sort of reverted to the angry, frustrated, paranoid, > > delusional, violent, lashing-out nada she was when Sister and I were little. > > Its sad for all three of us. > > > > -Annie > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 13, 2011 Report Share Posted July 13, 2011 So sorry, Annie. I don't have anything else to say, I think it's all been beautifully said by others already, but we are here for you. You are so amazing, your kindnesses and insights have helped so much. Sending positive vibes your way. > > > > > ** > > > > > > > > > My Sister is keeping me updated on our nada's situation and it isn't good > > > news. Last week, Sister got nada relocated into an assisted living residence > > > (because our nada began hallucinating a few months ago, and it kept getting > > > progressively worse until nada began wandering around her apartment complex > > > alone at night, leaving her valuables scattered around outdoors, trying to > > > invite small children into her apartment without their mother's knowledge or > > > permission, and making frequent calls to the apartment manager and to 911 > > > claiming that people were breaking into her apartment). > > > > > > At first nada seemed to like the assisted living residence quite a lot. She > > > was able to keep some of her things around her, some of her furniture and > > > decorative items, pictures, some of her collectibles, and even her pet cat. > > > > > > But today Sister informed me that our nada is not only hallucinating pretty > > > much all the time now (the med the psychiatrist put her on hasn't worked at > > > all), but today our nada (1) became irrationally angry at one of the > > > care-givers and attacked her, hurting her, and then (2) fell and broke her > > > wrist. Her wrist has been treated, but she's still not responding to the > > > antipsychotic meds. > > > > > > One of our cousins has very generously and sweetly offered to keep an eye > > > on our nada (nada is still at the assisted living residence for now) until > > > Sister gets back into town on Friday, but Sister is thinking that the > > > assisted living residence may not be willing to keep nada if she has become > > > violent. (Nada was verbally abusive and physically violent with Sister and > > > me when we were kids, but as we grew up nada became less physically violent > > > and was verbally /emotionally abusive instead.) > > > > > > Sister will have a meeting with the assisted living facility's manager to > > > discuss what our options are, when she returns. I'm pretty sure that unless > > > our nada's violent behaviors and hallucinations can be controlled with the > > > right meds, she may have to be relocated again to a different facility that > > > is set up to manage violent Alzheimer's patients. I'm sure that will make > > > nada even more upset and angry. > > > > > > All this is coming down so suddenly. Six months ago our nada was just kind > > > of forgetful and was being her usual sometimes-mean, sometimes-nice self, > > > but over the last six months her hallucinations became overt/obvious, > > > increased in frequency, and her paranoia and delusions increased. > > > > > > I have to be prepared that at any time now I may have to take a leave of > > > absence from my clients' projects and fly across country to help my Sister > > > deal with this in person. Its not fair for Sister to have to manage this > > > alone. Its all just so very sad, and very upsetting. I feel sorry for my > > > nada; she is obviously suffering, but at the same time I am afraid of her (I > > > always have been) and although I know that is irrational, still I am very > > > grateful that I am not yet being asked to deal with this in person. My > > > Sister is a total commander-in-chief in this regard, she is handling it all > > > so well, its just that she should not have to do it alone. But if I have to > > > drop my clients' projects that will seriously impact my professional > > > reputation and standing and my ability to earn a living. > > > > > > Well, thanks for letting me vent. Its not a sweet and gentle decline for my > > > nada, instead she's sort of reverted to the angry, frustrated, paranoid, > > > delusional, violent, lashing-out nada she was when Sister and I were little. > > > Its sad for all three of us. > > > > > > -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 13, 2011 Report Share Posted July 13, 2011 Hi Annie I want to repeat the good wishes of everyone here. You're posts have made you one of the really stand-out voices here for me. If you are even half as good at your work - whatever it may be - as you are at this, your clients are lucky to have you. I not only hope that your clients are aware of how great you are, but also that they have the sense to understand that taking care of an elderly, falling apart parent, is something that many of them might also have to face (regardless of the details of each parent/child relationship). It's a totally reasonable reason to take a break from work. Well, good luck, and don't forget to take care of yourself first. Work with your sister, and don't beat yourself up for things not being perfect. They are what they are. Hugs Terri > > My Sister is keeping me updated on our nada's situation and it isn't good news. Last week, Sister got nada relocated into an assisted living residence (because our nada began hallucinating a few months ago, and it kept getting progressively worse until nada began wandering around her apartment complex alone at night, leaving her valuables scattered around outdoors, trying to invite small children into her apartment without their mother's knowledge or permission, and making frequent calls to the apartment manager and to 911 claiming that people were breaking into her apartment). > > At first nada seemed to like the assisted living residence quite a lot. She was able to keep some of her things around her, some of her furniture and decorative items, pictures, some of her collectibles, and even her pet cat. > > But today Sister informed me that our nada is not only hallucinating pretty much all the time now (the med the psychiatrist put her on hasn't worked at all), but today our nada (1) became irrationally angry at one of the care-givers and attacked her, hurting her, and then (2) fell and broke her wrist. Her wrist has been treated, but she's still not responding to the antipsychotic meds. > > One of our cousins has very generously and sweetly offered to keep an eye on our nada (nada is still at the assisted living residence for now) until Sister gets back into town on Friday, but Sister is thinking that the assisted living residence may not be willing to keep nada if she has become violent. (Nada was verbally abusive and physically violent with Sister and me when we were kids, but as we grew up nada became less physically violent and was verbally /emotionally abusive instead.) > > Sister will have a meeting with the assisted living facility's manager to discuss what our options are, when she returns. I'm pretty sure that unless our nada's violent behaviors and hallucinations can be controlled with the right meds, she may have to be relocated again to a different facility that is set up to manage violent Alzheimer's patients. I'm sure that will make nada even more upset and angry. > > All this is coming down so suddenly. Six months ago our nada was just kind of forgetful and was being her usual sometimes-mean, sometimes-nice self, but over the last six months her hallucinations became overt/obvious, increased in frequency, and her paranoia and delusions increased. > > I have to be prepared that at any time now I may have to take a leave of absence from my clients' projects and fly across country to help my Sister deal with this in person. Its not fair for Sister to have to manage this alone. Its all just so very sad, and very upsetting. I feel sorry for my nada; she is obviously suffering, but at the same time I am afraid of her (I always have been) and although I know that is irrational, still I am very grateful that I am not yet being asked to deal with this in person. My Sister is a total commander-in-chief in this regard, she is handling it all so well, its just that she should not have to do it alone. But if I have to drop my clients' projects that will seriously impact my professional reputation and standing and my ability to earn a living. > > Well, thanks for letting me vent. Its not a sweet and gentle decline for my nada, instead she's sort of reverted to the angry, frustrated, paranoid, delusional, violent, lashing-out nada she was when Sister and I were little. Its sad for all three of us. > > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 13, 2011 Report Share Posted July 13, 2011 Just read of your predicament Annie, and I will also have you in my thoughts. I do hope you find that the most important clients will understand. Family matters DO matter. YOU matter, and I think you will feel a sense of completion in going to be with your sister when the time comes. I don't want to give advice, more just encouragement. I wonder if you can prepare your clients for the break in your service and/or reduce case load, share with someone who needs the work now, and can return the work to you when you return? Switch off deadlines or something? I so much want there to be Grace on your side as you do what you need to do! Best, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 13, 2011 Report Share Posted July 13, 2011 Thank you; yes, I have been thinking along those lines for the last couple of days, i.e., considering if there might be a colleague available who could take on a section of a project, or if its feasible to take some of the work with me and " telecommute " , so to speak. I think I would feel better if I were to go to help my Sister with this and spend at least a little time with nada and yet continue working at least part time on the projects so they don't just grind to a halt. Thanks again, , and all my fellow KOs here. You guys are a great support. -Annie > > Just read of your predicament Annie, and I will also have you in my thoughts. I do hope you find that the most important clients will understand. Family matters DO matter. YOU matter, and I think you will feel a sense of completion in going to be with your sister when the time comes. > > I don't want to give advice, more just encouragement. I wonder if you can prepare your clients for the break in your service and/or reduce case load, share with someone who needs the work now, and can return the work to you when you return? Switch off deadlines or something? > > I so much want there to be Grace on your side as you do what you need to do! > > Best, > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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