trying to maintain LC

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

I'm having a hard time maintaining LC. I'm doing it, but the guilt and fear are

engulfing me at times. I can feel her anger growing every day I don't call her.

My brother has told her not to contact me until I contact her, and she listens

to him but not without a hitch. Every time I do decide to call, trying to

establish a " medium chill " calling routine (maybe 2x/month) her voice is filled

with disappointment and suppressed rage at me. I feel this every day I don't

call, which makes me dread calling even more, turning it all into a vicious

cycle. She lives 15 min from me, which makes it hard too. When I do call she

always wants to set up a time to get together, but I know I can't be alone with

her and won't see her when I don't want to. I don't know how to handle this--

when I say I'm busy she comes up with another day/time and is relentless--I

don't know what to say. She's not capable of just chatting and saying good-bye,

she's got to suck me in to her and I won't allow that any more. But how do I

establish that? This cycle of feeling like I " should " call, then not calling

because I know she'll be angry/disappointed in me, then the guilt and fear

increasing every day I don't call now plays out with other people in my life, to

the point that I'm afraid to answer my phone, no matter who it is. As if

everyone else will be disappointed and angry at me as well.

So, how do I deal with her when I do finally call? And how do I keep myself

from feeling the dread and guilt over what I know she's feeling?

Thanks!

~D

[Guest guest]

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> I'm having a hard time maintaining LC. I'm doing it, but the guilt and fear

are engulfing me at times. I can feel her anger growing every day I don't call

her. My brother has told her not to contact me until I contact her, and she

listens to him but not without a hitch. Every time I do decide to call, trying

to establish a " medium chill " calling routine (maybe 2x/month) her voice is

filled with disappointment and suppressed rage at me. I feel this every day I

don't call, which makes me dread calling even more, turning it all into a

vicious cycle. She lives 15 min from me, which makes it hard too. When I do

call she always wants to set up a time to get together, but I know I can't be

alone with her and won't see her when I don't want to. I don't know how to

handle this-- when I say I'm busy she comes up with another day/time and is

relentless--I don't know what to say. She's not capable of just chatting and

saying good-bye, she's got to suck me in to her and I won't allow that any more.

But how do I establish that? This cycle of feeling like I " should " call, then

not calling because I know she'll be angry/disappointed in me, then the guilt

and fear increasing every day I don't call now plays out with other people in my

life, to the point that I'm afraid to answer my phone, no matter who it is. As

if everyone else will be disappointed and angry at me as well.

>

> So, how do I deal with her when I do finally call? And how do I keep myself

from feeling the dread and guilt over what I know she's feeling?

>

> Thanks!

> ~D

>

[Guest guest]

Hi D

I am in your exact position and know its soooooo hard! I am using the book

surviving a borderline parent chapter 6 for support. I am literally learning a

script because I know nada will rip her claws into me. My script goes something

like this " mum I am not prepared to continue this conversation until you start

to be respectful. Your insults are unwarranted and I refuse to accept them

anymore. Let's talk when you can be honest and respectful until that time I

cannot continue our conversations.

Nada hasn't called today but when she does I'm ready! What have I got to loose

'a witch of a mother'?

Hang in there I completely feel your predicament.

I'm imagining a better day!

Keep going I'm here if you just want to talk

Mel x

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> I'm having a hard time maintaining LC. I'm doing it, but the guilt and fear

are engulfing me at times. I can feel her anger growing every day I don't call

her. My brother has told her not to contact me until I contact her, and she

listens to him but not without a hitch. Every time I do decide to call, trying

to establish a " medium chill " calling routine (maybe 2x/month) her voice is

filled with disappointment and suppressed rage at me. I feel this every day I

don't call, which makes me dread calling even more, turning it all into a

vicious cycle. She lives 15 min from me, which makes it hard too. When I do

call she always wants to set up a time to get together, but I know I can't be

alone with her and won't see her when I don't want to. I don't know how to

handle this-- when I say I'm busy she comes up with another day/time and is

relentless--I don't know what to say. She's not capable of just chatting and

saying good-bye, she's got to suck me in to her and I won't allow that any more.

But how do I establish that? This cycle of feeling like I " should " call, then

not calling because I know she'll be angry/disappointed in me, then the guilt

and fear increasing every day I don't call now plays out with other people in my

life, to the point that I'm afraid to answer my phone, no matter who it is. As

if everyone else will be disappointed and angry at me as well.

>

> So, how do I deal with her when I do finally call? And how do I keep myself

from feeling the dread and guilt over what I know she's feeling?

>

> Thanks!

> ~D

>

[Guest guest]

>

> So, how do I deal with her when I do finally call? And how do I keep myself

from feeling the dread and guilt over what I know she's feeling?

>

Hi D, I struggle with this too - being too " tuned in " to what my nada is

feeling. The goal which I only achieve occasionally is to let her own her

feelings and truly feel it to be separate from me. Taking the internal

attitude of " She's mad, well that's HER problem. " I've only been able to

achieve this during times when I'm very Zen doing a lot of meditation or on

antidepressants. It IS possible though. And in the end I think it's where

healing takes us because isn't it about time that their emotions stop ruling

ours? Isn't it about time that we stop having to suffer because they suffer?

Isn't it about time we declare FREEEEEDOOOOM! Okay I need to go watch

Braveheart.

Eliza

[Guest guest]

Need2bfree, we are kindred spirits. I so, so know how you feel and have been

there lots and lots of times. That awful pit in my stomach I've experienced just

before I would call her, esp after you've set a boundary--it's just awful. I

can tell you it has gotten less and less and the more busy I get and the more I

fill my life up, the less I care about her games.

My short history: nada has called me incessantly since i got married. i'm

married now almost 20 years. 6 years ago, my father became terminally ill. she

called me even more during his illness, understandably, i guess!! 5 years ago,

he passed away. her calling escalated to about 6 or 8 calls a day. 2 years ago,

I started calling her once a day. I tried to tell her that would have to be

enough. For me, this was LC. She didn't like it, but took it.

Just last year, she crossed a line (won't go into it) and I sent her a very,

very honest letter. I had never dared be that honest with her but in the letter

I told her I needed space.

We're down to 1 call a week and maybe 2 visits a month (from 4-6 a month). She

really bristled at that and tried to call me on " off " days or guilt me. I stuck

to my boundaries.

It was very painful, guilt-ridden, and stressful for me to enforce these

boundaries. Nada lives 7 blocks from my house. My brother, like yours, is

enmeshed with her and now lives 3 blocks from her. So I sympathize completely

with you.

What helped me was:

* keeping it all business, as you said, the medium chill. when I visited her, I

didn't try to explain anything, as I would have in the past. She pounces on

that. I just visited. She would get emotional, I would listen but not say

anything that she could seize on.

* I know this sounds crazy, but I would think of someone I admired at work who,

at meetings, just got the meeting done. There was respect, praise, but very

little small talk, and that's it. I would think of her before I would see my

mother and think of how she would handle it. That really helped me through the

phone calls and visits with my mother where she would lay the guilt on thick or

when I could feel her rage against me for daring to have a life. Maybe thinking

of someone you know like that might help.

* Seeing my therapist helped a lot.

* Staying on here.

Remind yourself that you're not responsible for how she's feeling, for her rage

and guilt. You're feeling things, too, but she's not concerned about that. Deep

breathing before you call can help you loosen up.

You can do this and it really will get less and less as you go on (the guilt and

fear will). We're all here for you, so let us know how you get on!! Hugs, soul

sister!!!

Fiona

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> I'm having a hard time maintaining LC. I'm doing it, but the guilt and fear

are engulfing me at times. I can feel her anger growing every day I don't call

her. My brother has told her not to contact me until I contact her, and she

listens to him but not without a hitch. Every time I do decide to call, trying

to establish a " medium chill " calling routine (maybe 2x/month) her voice is

filled with disappointment and suppressed rage at me. I feel this every day I

don't call, which makes me dread calling even more, turning it all into a

vicious cycle. She lives 15 min from me, which makes it hard too. When I do

call she always wants to set up a time to get together, but I know I can't be

alone with her and won't see her when I don't want to. I don't know how to

handle this-- when I say I'm busy she comes up with another day/time and is

relentless--I don't know what to say. She's not capable of just chatting and

saying good-bye, she's got to suck me in to her and I won't allow that any more.

But how do I establish that? This cycle of feeling like I " should " call, then

not calling because I know she'll be angry/disappointed in me, then the guilt

and fear increasing every day I don't call now plays out with other people in my

life, to the point that I'm afraid to answer my phone, no matter who it is. As

if everyone else will be disappointed and angry at me as well.

>

> So, how do I deal with her when I do finally call? And how do I keep myself

from feeling the dread and guilt over what I know she's feeling?

>

> Thanks!

> ~D

>

[Guest guest]

Your communications have helped me tonight. I am dreading going to visit my nada

in a month. I had been LC for only about a year, but then my father died about a

year ago. We all (my two siblings and I and our families) stepped up contact to

be sure she was fine and to help out with arrangements, etc. I found my increase

in contact to be difficult and soon began to reinstitute LC fairly soon, much to

her disapproval. I haven't seen her in 3 months and talk on the phone about

every week. I am going to see her in a month for 3 days. She lives 1500 miles

away in winter. Both my sisters are emeshed with her and I am the middle of

three daughters. I am in my early 50's and it helps that my own life is so full

of work, grown kids, husband, and issues of being at this stage in the game.

It helped me a lot to be reminded to keep it business and not explain myself

when I go to see her. That is one thing that I find I used to automatically do -

give out too much information, explain myself. I have to work to not do this in

my foo. But my nada uses it against me every time, so I am highly motivated to

not be so open anymore.

She seems worse now with my dad gone. He was a real shield for us, come to find

out. I think he absorbed the worst in her, because now she has even less of a

filter and often my husband and I are her targets.

I really need to work on being medium chill when I go see her. I hate that I

feel so vulnerable around her. She has like this homing device. About 80% of the

time she is this thoughtful, nurturing, loving, motherly person whom I feel very

connected to, and then the 20% shark on the hunt who thinks nothing of biting me

with all she's got. She never says she's sorry and seems to enjoy inflicting

pain. As a kid I experienced it but used to just let it roll. Now that I am LC

and in my own life it is much clearer to me that how she can be is inappropriate

and mean. I can't talk to her about it, it only gets worse. I really have to

work on the medium chill, kind of put up a wall to protect myself.

I like the suggestion of picturing someone from work who is good at getting work

done and not making it personal. What is hard is I am very easy going and

accepting. I have to really work to put the guard up. But I am trainable.

> >

> > Hi everyone,

> >

> > I'm having a hard time maintaining LC. I'm doing it, but the guilt and fear

are engulfing me at times. I can feel her anger growing every day I don't call

her. My brother has told her not to contact me until I contact her, and she

listens to him but not without a hitch. Every time I do decide to call, trying

to establish a " medium chill " calling routine (maybe 2x/month) her voice is

filled with disappointment and suppressed rage at me. I feel this every day I

don't call, which makes me dread calling even more, turning it all into a

vicious cycle. She lives 15 min from me, which makes it hard too. When I do

call she always wants to set up a time to get together, but I know I can't be

alone with her and won't see her when I don't want to. I don't know how to

handle this-- when I say I'm busy she comes up with another day/time and is

relentless--I don't know what to say. She's not capable of just chatting and

saying good-bye, she's got to suck me in to her and I won't allow that any more.

But how do I establish that? This cycle of feeling like I " should " call, then

not calling because I know she'll be angry/disappointed in me, then the guilt

and fear increasing every day I don't call now plays out with other people in my

life, to the point that I'm afraid to answer my phone, no matter who it is. As

if everyone else will be disappointed and angry at me as well.

> >

> > So, how do I deal with her when I do finally call? And how do I keep myself

from feeling the dread and guilt over what I know she's feeling?

> >

> > Thanks!

> > ~D

> >

>

[Guest guest]

,

Thanks for sharing your script. It is really good and I think I will borrow it

and practice it for my upcoming trip to see nada for three days in a month.

> >

> > Hi everyone,

> >

> > I'm having a hard time maintaining LC. I'm doing it, but the guilt and fear

are engulfing me at times. I can feel her anger growing every day I don't call

her. My brother has told her not to contact me until I contact her, and she

listens to him but not without a hitch. Every time I do decide to call, trying

to establish a " medium chill " calling routine (maybe 2x/month) her voice is

filled with disappointment and suppressed rage at me. I feel this every day I

don't call, which makes me dread calling even more, turning it all into a

vicious cycle. She lives 15 min from me, which makes it hard too. When I do

call she always wants to set up a time to get together, but I know I can't be

alone with her and won't see her when I don't want to. I don't know how to

handle this-- when I say I'm busy she comes up with another day/time and is

relentless--I don't know what to say. She's not capable of just chatting and

saying good-bye, she's got to suck me in to her and I won't allow that any more.

But how do I establish that? This cycle of feeling like I " should " call, then

not calling because I know she'll be angry/disappointed in me, then the guilt

and fear increasing every day I don't call now plays out with other people in my

life, to the point that I'm afraid to answer my phone, no matter who it is. As

if everyone else will be disappointed and angry at me as well.

> >

> > So, how do I deal with her when I do finally call? And how do I keep myself

from feeling the dread and guilt over what I know she's feeling?

> >

> > Thanks!

> > ~D

> >

>

[Guest guest]

,

Back again. I wish I had this script internalized years ago. I hope I can get it

squared away for my visit. I can't count how many times nada has insulted me

with emeshed sister right in front of me and I have done nothing, nothing! It is

quite embarrasing really. I would just not know what to do or say when it was

during a family gathering and they would laugh about me to the side, but knew I

could still hear. I think I have helped her gain a sense of victory with my

silence, and I want to stop that. It just throws me off so much when they do it.

It is such a detrayal, from my own mother and sister(s). It is as if I freeze up

and only later think of a good thing I could have said, but never do.

And another thing that I just realized.... neither of my emeshed sisters really

ever say they are sorry after they are mean. And the few times I have addressed

their lies or past trespasses on my feelings, or person, they either deny it or

say they don't remember. I can only remember once when one of my sisters

apologized for her treatment of my husband and I.

I find myself, now at age 51, sometimes really angry about it all. I feel so

betrayed about some of the things that happened when we were younger, and as

young adults, as well as more recently. I just don't want to let them hurt me

anymore, and I am like my own worst enemy when I don't keep up the wall and

allow them to hurt me.

One of the things they are mean about is my weight. They don't say anything

directly at me of course. But I am about 30 pounds overweight and my nada is

small and petite, older sister is rail thin to an unhealthy degree due to years

of poor diet and addictions,and younger sister's weight is about average. She

smokes to help kill her appetite. They talk about food all the time, literally

all the time. And are very prejudice about overweight people in general. It not

only can be hurtful, but can be embarassing as nada often doesn't seem to have a

filter on and can come close to saying things about people in public. Then of

course she'll ask me, " Oh, can you eat that? " when we're out, or tell younger

sister how great she looks, or older sister, and me, never. Or if she does it

clearly is something she is insincere about. I absolutely hate it.

The more I think about it all the worse I feel. I think that is part of the

reason why I haven't been more successful with having a script ready. I don't

like to think about it if I don't have to. But I need to work on the script.

It is scary how brainwashed you get in your foo. I really feel like I can never

just be with them, relaxed and myself.

Dream:

My perfect encounter with them would be one in which I weigh about 40 pounds

less than I do, looked and felt my best, and whenever nada or sisters said

anything rude or mean I would, without emotion, tell them I disagreed and wasn't

going to listen to them be disrespectful of me or others, and then just kept on

being around them as if nothing big had happened and they would stop being jerks

and go into normal person mode for the rest of our visit.

Peace,

> >

> > Hi everyone,

> >

> > I'm having a hard time maintaining LC. I'm doing it, but the guilt and fear

are engulfing me at times. I can feel her anger growing every day I don't call

her. My brother has told her not to contact me until I contact her, and she

listens to him but not without a hitch. Every time I do decide to call, trying

to establish a " medium chill " calling routine (maybe 2x/month) her voice is

filled with disappointment and suppressed rage at me. I feel this every day I

don't call, which makes me dread calling even more, turning it all into a

vicious cycle. She lives 15 min from me, which makes it hard too. When I do

call she always wants to set up a time to get together, but I know I can't be

alone with her and won't see her when I don't want to. I don't know how to

handle this-- when I say I'm busy she comes up with another day/time and is

relentless--I don't know what to say. She's not capable of just chatting and

saying good-bye, she's got to suck me in to her and I won't allow that any more.

But how do I establish that? This cycle of feeling like I " should " call, then

not calling because I know she'll be angry/disappointed in me, then the guilt

and fear increasing every day I don't call now plays out with other people in my

life, to the point that I'm afraid to answer my phone, no matter who it is. As

if everyone else will be disappointed and angry at me as well.

> >

> > So, how do I deal with her when I do finally call? And how do I keep myself

from feeling the dread and guilt over what I know she's feeling?

> >

> > Thanks!

> > ~D

> >

>

[Guest guest]

what you just described is totally me in my FOO I am such a doormat. I

take it all. If I ever show a spark of emotion nada pounces. I am sooooo

sensitive, have a " chip on my shoulder " etc. total crap. the sad part is I am

really not myself around them.

I don't have a weight issue, but I struggle being not as smart successful and

talented as my sibs. they rub it in the exact way you described. it sucks being

the family joke.

Meikjn

> > >

> > > Hi everyone,

> > >

> > > I'm having a hard time maintaining LC. I'm doing it, but the guilt and

fear are engulfing me at times. I can feel her anger growing every day I don't

call her. My brother has told her not to contact me until I contact her, and

she listens to him but not without a hitch. Every time I do decide to call,

trying to establish a " medium chill " calling routine (maybe 2x/month) her voice

is filled with disappointment and suppressed rage at me. I feel this every day

I don't call, which makes me dread calling even more, turning it all into a

vicious cycle. She lives 15 min from me, which makes it hard too. When I do

call she always wants to set up a time to get together, but I know I can't be

alone with her and won't see her when I don't want to. I don't know how to

handle this-- when I say I'm busy she comes up with another day/time and is

relentless--I don't know what to say. She's not capable of just chatting and

saying good-bye, she's got to suck me in to her and I won't allow that any more.

But how do I establish that? This cycle of feeling like I " should " call, then

not calling because I know she'll be angry/disappointed in me, then the guilt

and fear increasing every day I don't call now plays out with other people in my

life, to the point that I'm afraid to answer my phone, no matter who it is. As

if everyone else will be disappointed and angry at me as well.

> > >

> > > So, how do I deal with her when I do finally call? And how do I keep

myself from feeling the dread and guilt over what I know she's feeling?

> > >

> > > Thanks!

> > > ~D

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hello Meikjn,

I know what you mean, nothing like myself around my FOO. It is like I go through

some transformation and go back in time and am this powerless child. And I

definately get labeled the " sensetive " one. First of all, since when is having

feelings a bad thing? I feel like I am in a shark tank, literally, I don't feel

emotionally safe.

So my plan is to work on the weight for my physical, emotional and mental

health, and to work on the script. The hardest part for me is to get the medium

chill down. To not take any of it personally. To have a thick skin, etc. A

sensitive (like a psychic) once told me that I carry the extra weight for

protection and that I actually am sensitive because I wasn't listened to as a

child. I was the " invisible child " . I think she is at least onto something

there. I definately don't feel listened to in my FOO. And I am just hoping that

I can pull it all together for my three days next month.

I am slowly coming to grips with the fact that my FOO isn't all I always thought

they were growning up. It takes soooooo long to come to terms with it.

> > > >

> > > > Hi everyone,

> > > >

> > > > I'm having a hard time maintaining LC. I'm doing it, but the guilt and

fear are engulfing me at times. I can feel her anger growing every day I don't

call her. My brother has told her not to contact me until I contact her, and

she listens to him but not without a hitch. Every time I do decide to call,

trying to establish a " medium chill " calling routine (maybe 2x/month) her voice

is filled with disappointment and suppressed rage at me. I feel this every day

I don't call, which makes me dread calling even more, turning it all into a

vicious cycle. She lives 15 min from me, which makes it hard too. When I do

call she always wants to set up a time to get together, but I know I can't be

alone with her and won't see her when I don't want to. I don't know how to

handle this-- when I say I'm busy she comes up with another day/time and is

relentless--I don't know what to say. She's not capable of just chatting and

saying good-bye, she's got to suck me in to her and I won't allow that any more.

But how do I establish that? This cycle of feeling like I " should " call, then

not calling because I know she'll be angry/disappointed in me, then the guilt

and fear increasing every day I don't call now plays out with other people in my

life, to the point that I'm afraid to answer my phone, no matter who it is. As

if everyone else will be disappointed and angry at me as well.

> > > >

> > > > So, how do I deal with her when I do finally call? And how do I keep

myself from feeling the dread and guilt over what I know she's feeling?

> > > >

> > > > Thanks!

> > > > ~D

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi

Hope you had a good weekend. Thanks for sharing your feelings, I can totally

relate to the hurt you feel surrounding your weight and nadas personal attacks.

I have some very vivid memories of being sent (by nada) to a therapist who told

me I held onto my weight as a way of expressing control! I was 17, bulimic and

hating myself! However, I can say that around 22 years old after I moved out

from home and met my now hubby I completely changed my relationship with food. I

began working out, loosing weight and began teaching fitness! I was in awesome

shape BUT still nada attacked me about my weight! I would never be good enough

no matter what I weighed. For me it took a " F YOU " attitude towards her to get

past it. Even today she'll make terrible remarks about my body. It doesn't

bother me because I'm happy with the way I look, I just say to her " if you have

nothing nice to say then please don't say anything, I don't want my children

thinking it's okay to be judgmental " then I leave! My next move is to add a

consequence and say " I refuse to tolerate this, not only are you trying to be

hurtful, I deserve respect and if you are unable to give me that then I cannot

be in your company "

Trust me, I found a break through when I stopped thinking that if I just lost a

bit of weight I would feel better as that never happened. It wasn't until I

emotionally divorced myself from that issue that I felt, feel better! I took

control back!!!

I just ran a marathon and nada said I was too big to even finish. Let me tell

you I sprinted home, my kids on the finish line cheering, proud of their mum!

Nada is the looser! Not me!!

I still have work to do with my nada, but I can honestly say that nada can take

the weight card and " F OFF " , my husband is full of positive encouragement and

that's enough for me,

Nada just wishes she had an ounce of my motivation and self love!

Don't let her have control. It's your life, your weight and you do with it what

you want! Loose weight for the right reasons as you may find yourself 20lbs

lighter stil feeling the same.

Good luck to you, you can effect change

Mel x

> > > > >

> > > > > Hi everyone,

> > > > >

> > > > > I'm having a hard time maintaining LC. I'm doing it, but the guilt and

fear are engulfing me at times. I can feel her anger growing every day I don't

call her. My brother has told her not to contact me until I contact her, and

she listens to him but not without a hitch. Every time I do decide to call,

trying to establish a " medium chill " calling routine (maybe 2x/month) her voice

is filled with disappointment and suppressed rage at me. I feel this every day

I don't call, which makes me dread calling even more, turning it all into a

vicious cycle. She lives 15 min from me, which makes it hard too. When I do

call she always wants to set up a time to get together, but I know I can't be

alone with her and won't see her when I don't want to. I don't know how to

handle this-- when I say I'm busy she comes up with another day/time and is

relentless--I don't know what to say. She's not capable of just chatting and

saying good-bye, she's got to suck me in to her and I won't allow that any more.

But how do I establish that? This cycle of feeling like I " should " call, then

not calling because I know she'll be angry/disappointed in me, then the guilt

and fear increasing every day I don't call now plays out with other people in my

life, to the point that I'm afraid to answer my phone, no matter who it is. As

if everyone else will be disappointed and angry at me as well.

> > > > >

> > > > > So, how do I deal with her when I do finally call? And how do I keep

myself from feeling the dread and guilt over what I know she's feeling?

> > > > >

> > > > > Thanks!

> > > > > ~D

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Mel,

Thank you for your response and moral support. Unbelievable that you ran a

marathon and still your nada criticized your body. So unbeleivable. You are so

right, I need to keep my own power and not give it to her. The " F...you "

attitude is exactly the one I need to master in regards to this. It is just

awkward for me, but not impossible.

Thanks for sharing,

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Hi everyone,

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I'm having a hard time maintaining LC. I'm doing it, but the guilt

and fear are engulfing me at times. I can feel her anger growing every day I

don't call her. My brother has told her not to contact me until I contact her,

and she listens to him but not without a hitch. Every time I do decide to call,

trying to establish a " medium chill " calling routine (maybe 2x/month) her voice

is filled with disappointment and suppressed rage at me. I feel this every day

I don't call, which makes me dread calling even more, turning it all into a

vicious cycle. She lives 15 min from me, which makes it hard too. When I do

call she always wants to set up a time to get together, but I know I can't be

alone with her and won't see her when I don't want to. I don't know how to

handle this-- when I say I'm busy she comes up with another day/time and is

relentless--I don't know what to say. She's not capable of just chatting and

saying good-bye, she's got to suck me in to her and I won't allow that any more.

But how do I establish that? This cycle of feeling like I " should " call, then

not calling because I know she'll be angry/disappointed in me, then the guilt

and fear increasing every day I don't call now plays out with other people in my

life, to the point that I'm afraid to answer my phone, no matter who it is. As

if everyone else will be disappointed and angry at me as well.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > So, how do I deal with her when I do finally call? And how do I

keep myself from feeling the dread and guilt over what I know she's feeling?

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Thanks!

> > > > > > ~D

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Happy Monday

The more I learn about BPD the more I understand that it's not unbelievable but

very predictable that my nada criticized me after running a marathon.

Understanding the cycles of behavior and being able to predict her reaction has

given me a whole new sense of self.

I completely understand how you feel but encourage you to work on your needs and

not hers. It's a daily process for me but continuous reading, journaling and

sharing on this site are enabling me to make change.

I'm here right with you!

Mel x

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Hi everyone,

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > I'm having a hard time maintaining LC. I'm doing it, but the guilt

and fear are engulfing me at times. I can feel her anger growing every day I

don't call her. My brother has told her not to contact me until I contact her,

and she listens to him but not without a hitch. Every time I do decide to call,

trying to establish a " medium chill " calling routine (maybe 2x/month) her voice

is filled with disappointment and suppressed rage at me. I feel this every day

I don't call, which makes me dread calling even more, turning it all into a

vicious cycle. She lives 15 min from me, which makes it hard too. When I do

call she always wants to set up a time to get together, but I know I can't be

alone with her and won't see her when I don't want to. I don't know how to

handle this-- when I say I'm busy she comes up with another day/time and is

relentless--I don't know what to say. She's not capable of just chatting and

saying good-bye, she's got to suck me in to her and I won't allow that any more.

But how do I establish that? This cycle of feeling like I " should " call, then

not calling because I know she'll be angry/disappointed in me, then the guilt

and fear increasing every day I don't call now plays out with other people in my

life, to the point that I'm afraid to answer my phone, no matter who it is. As

if everyone else will be disappointed and angry at me as well.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > So, how do I deal with her when I do finally call? And how do I

keep myself from feeling the dread and guilt over what I know she's feeling?

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Thanks!

> > > > > > > ~D

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hey Mel,

Thank you for the encouragement. It has been a long, exhausting day and it

helped when I read this.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Hi everyone,

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > I'm having a hard time maintaining LC. I'm doing it, but the

guilt and fear are engulfing me at times. I can feel her anger growing every

day I don't call her. My brother has told her not to contact me until I contact

her, and she listens to him but not without a hitch. Every time I do decide to

call, trying to establish a " medium chill " calling routine (maybe 2x/month) her

voice is filled with disappointment and suppressed rage at me. I feel this

every day I don't call, which makes me dread calling even more, turning it all

into a vicious cycle. She lives 15 min from me, which makes it hard too. When I

do call she always wants to set up a time to get together, but I know I can't be

alone with her and won't see her when I don't want to. I don't know how to

handle this-- when I say I'm busy she comes up with another day/time and is

relentless--I don't know what to say. She's not capable of just chatting and

saying good-bye, she's got to suck me in to her and I won't allow that any more.

But how do I establish that? This cycle of feeling like I " should " call, then

not calling because I know she'll be angry/disappointed in me, then the guilt

and fear increasing every day I don't call now plays out with other people in my

life, to the point that I'm afraid to answer my phone, no matter who it is. As

if everyone else will be disappointed and angry at me as well.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > So, how do I deal with her when I do finally call? And how do I

keep myself from feeling the dread and guilt over what I know she's feeling?

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Thanks!

> > > > > > > > ~D

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Fiona,

I like your idea of imagining your co-worker in order to maintain calm. I will

try this if I ever get up the nerve to call her. I still haven't! When I

decide to, I'll write out a script--that helped me the last time, especially

when she blew up. I just need to think of what to say when she hounds me to get

together. Just saying I'm busy that day doesn't work, as she is relentless.

aargh! I realize now, that I've put this out of my mind because it makes me so

crazy.

anyway, thanks!

~D

> >

> > Hi everyone,

> >

> > I'm having a hard time maintaining LC. I'm doing it, but the guilt and fear

are engulfing me at times. I can feel her anger growing every day I don't call

her. My brother has told her not to contact me until I contact her, and she

listens to him but not without a hitch. Every time I do decide to call, trying

to establish a " medium chill " calling routine (maybe 2x/month) her voice is

filled with disappointment and suppressed rage at me. I feel this every day I

don't call, which makes me dread calling even more, turning it all into a

vicious cycle. She lives 15 min from me, which makes it hard too. When I do

call she always wants to set up a time to get together, but I know I can't be

alone with her and won't see her when I don't want to. I don't know how to

handle this-- when I say I'm busy she comes up with another day/time and is

relentless--I don't know what to say. She's not capable of just chatting and

saying good-bye, she's got to suck me in to her and I won't allow that any more.

But how do I establish that? This cycle of feeling like I " should " call, then

not calling because I know she'll be angry/disappointed in me, then the guilt

and fear increasing every day I don't call now plays out with other people in my

life, to the point that I'm afraid to answer my phone, no matter who it is. As

if everyone else will be disappointed and angry at me as well.

> >

> > So, how do I deal with her when I do finally call? And how do I keep myself

from feeling the dread and guilt over what I know she's feeling?

> >

> > Thanks!

> > ~D

> >

>