The day that changed my life...my Nada's birthday 12 years ago.

[Guest guest]

Some of your stories are really bringing back some good and not-so-good memories

of my Nada. However, I thought I'd share a pivotal point in my recovery from the

effects of growing up with a BP/NP parent.

It was about 12 years ago, and I was about 28 at the time (oy! I can't believe

I'll be 40 in a couple months!!).

It was the ONE time up to that point in my life that I forgot to call my Nada on

her birthday (I have since chosen not to acknowledge her birthday on purpose). I

was working full-time, going to school, living in another city, and had one of

those days that was just LONG LONG LONG. Like I had left the house at 6 am and

didn't get home until 11 pm. When I got home, my phone was ringing as I walked

in. Surprised that someone would be calling so late, I picked it up (this was

before the wonderful invention of Caller ID was a regular household thing, which

I am sure was invented by someone with a BP in their life!!). It was my Nada

calling. She asked me before I could even get my bearings or set my keys down if

I knew " what day it was " . I paused, and then remembered it was her birthday. I

had remembered that it was coming up earlier in the week because I knew if I

didn't send a card I'd be in trouble. I sent a card as required (ha) but was so

busy I forgot what day it was and, alas...forgot to call her. So I rapidly

apologized and explained how busy I had been all day and how I had left the

house at 6 am and was just walking in the door...etc. etc....trying my best to

back-pedal my way out of the lion's den before the lion attacked. But it was too

late. My Nada, in the angriest tone, said " you are no longer my daughter! " and

hung up. When I went over to my machine later that night, there were like 20

calls - all hang ups and all from her, I'm sure, calling me throughout the day

because my life wasn't revolving around her (SHOCKER, I'm certain, as I

constantly gave the impression my life did revolve around her just to make sure

I didn't end up where I ended up that night - as the " bad daughter " )!

I fell to the floor sobbing. I had disappointed her once again, even while

trying my best. Since I was then and still am in two 12-step programs, (one

because of my Nada), I called my sponsor in that program the next morning and

talked with her about what a terrible thing I had done. I'll never forget what

she said to me because that day was indeed a changing point in my life.

I called her, from work, crying and beating myself up. I was frantic and

uncomfortable and sick to my stomach. I told my sponsor that I NEEDED my Nada to

forgive me so I could get on with the business of LIVING. I had no idea how to

be OK with someone being mad at me. It was something I just wasn't equipped to

deal with.

She said " Charlotte, you have to apologize ONCE and let it go. If she's mad at

you after you apologize, that is her right. It is her right to be wrong (!!!!)

if she wants to be. It is her right to be unreasonable if she wants to be. YOU

have to choose your actions based on being the daughter you want to be,

regardless of the mom you have. As far as you forgetting to call her, remember

that being human is not a character defect. Meaning you made an honest mistake,

and it's totally OK. So, what I would do is make one apology - send flowers or

whatever you feel you need to do to be the daughter you want to be - and LET HER

BE MAD AT YOU for as long as she wants to be. If you don't give her the dignity

to be mad at you - in other words - if you go in and do the song, the dance, the

soft shoe...to make everything better, you are not letting her figure out how

to unwind on her own. You are enabling her to blow up at you, create wreckage in

YOUR life and then YOU go and clean it up and polish it and make it all shiny

and new again. You need to let her sit with her wreckage for once. Have her NOT

hear you apologize profusely and beg for her forgiveness. It is reasonable that

your life revolves around you. Not her. It is reasonable that you be a really

good daughter who is imperfect and makes mistakes, but does her best. However,

it is also reasonable for you to expect her to be exactly how she has always

been, too. And UNreasonable for you to expect her not to hold you up to a

standard no human could ever reach, no matter how hard they tried. But that is

about her. It's not about you. You are a good person REGARDLESS if she thinks

that or not " .

I was flabbergasted. It had never occurred to me to realize that I was a good

person based on my actions and how I felt about them. Instead, I based all my

opinions of myself based on how other people perceived me. This was because

" other people " (i.e. my Nada, my NP grandmother, my abusive stepdad, to name a

few) all expected my world to revolve around them. ALL the time.

It was also extremely difficult NOT to call my Nada and profusely apologize and

beg for forgiveness despite being a good listener and hearing what my sponsor

had said. In fact, whenever I wanted to call Nada and apologize, because I felt

sick to my stomach all day long, I called my sponsor instead. I'm embarrassed to

admit this, but I called my sponsor probably 20 times the first day; 15 the

next; then maybe 8 or 10 the day after that. It took a long time, and a lot of

Pepto Bismol to not call my Nada. But I didn't call.

Something happened to me then. It was such a turning point. I was able to start

being OK with my boyfriend (now husband) when he was mad at me. I kept

remembering that I had to give him the dignity to get over the anger however

long it took him and with whatever skills he needed to use HIMSELF at the time.

It was not my job to " make it better " aside from sincerely apologizing ONCE and

then turning over the outcome. If I needed to change behavior, then that, too.

But it was not my job to " still the rocking boat " no matter who kept it rocking.

My Nada didn't speak to me for about 9 months. In fact, it was the first time

she hadn't spoken to me by choice for that long (I have since initiated many

attempts at NC, and this last one of limited contact has been on for a few

years). She told my brother that she had " disowned " me. I WISH, in retrospect,

that was even possible.

At any rate, one day, out of the blue, she called me and acted like nothing had

happened. Being not too sure what to do, I let her back in my life and continued

the relationship as it was with the one change of only apologizing once.

Fast forward about 2 years and my 30th birthday approached. I was a little down

because I was getting older, but other than that had a nice day. It struck me as

I was going to bed that my Nada hadn't called me. I smiled to myself that I

hadn't missed it and drifted off to sleep. A few days later, she calls and says

" Happy Birthday! " I say thank you and she asks " what are you going to do for

your birthday? " and I say " Well, to be honest, Mom, my birthday was 3 days ago " .

She says " No it wasn't. It's on my calendar right here in front of me " . And I

say " I think I know when my birthday is, Mom (laughing) but it's not a big deal

if you have the wrong day " . She then says - GET THIS - " Well, whatever. I guess

I forgot " . (No apology of course - never an apology).

Hmmm....so not sure if this was her way of thinking she was getting back at me

for forgetting her birthday, but I realized that to respond the way she

responded when I " forgot " would have been to be as sick as she was, and I didn't

want that. In retrospect, I was a little hurt that she didn't know what day she

pushed me out of her body, but I also am realistic that people - including me -

make mistakes. If I hold her to the same standard at which she holds me, then I

can't be mad at her for holding me to unreasonable standards, either. But,

that's not my business. My business is to worry about how I respond and react,

and how to control my responses and reactions to be as mindful as I can be on

being the woman I want to be today. Such a change from that day 12 years ago.

And I did it one little tiny step at a time.

I hope that you remember, especially those that are new here, that unraveling a

lifetime's worth of twisted emotions takes a long time, but it's possible.

Sometimes it will feel like you aren't making progress, but you are. Just keep

remembering that you deserve to be happy and walk toward that.

Charlotte

[Guest guest]

Wow, my stomach is clenched reading about your mother's atrocious demands.

And how much she sounds like my nada, esp 20 years ago, the constant demands,

phone calls, hanging up if I said the wrong thing.

I'm so sorry for all you went through, but am so encouraged at how FREE you

sound. I want that!

My nada did and does expect my world, and my brother's to revolve around her.

Call me, ask me how I am, ooh and aah at my stories, aww me when I tell you how

scared I am. Just don't expect that back from her. It's all completely and only

about her.

Thanks for sharing, Charlotte. I just feel so scared; I don't know why. I like

being NC with nada but I know she's getting too old to keep it going and I don't

want to go back to the way it's been.

Fiona

>

> Some of your stories are really bringing back some good and not-so-good

memories of my Nada. However, I thought I'd share a pivotal point in my recovery

from the effects of growing up with a BP/NP parent.

>

> It was about 12 years ago, and I was about 28 at the time (oy! I can't believe

I'll be 40 in a couple months!!).

>

> It was the ONE time up to that point in my life that I forgot to call my Nada

on her birthday (I have since chosen not to acknowledge her birthday on

purpose). I was working full-time, going to school, living in another city, and

had one of those days that was just LONG LONG LONG. Like I had left the house at

6 am and didn't get home until 11 pm. When I got home, my phone was ringing as I

walked in. Surprised that someone would be calling so late, I picked it up (this

was before the wonderful invention of Caller ID was a regular household thing,

which I am sure was invented by someone with a BP in their life!!). It was my

Nada calling. She asked me before I could even get my bearings or set my keys

down if I knew " what day it was " . I paused, and then remembered it was her

birthday. I had remembered that it was coming up earlier in the week because I

knew if I didn't send a card I'd be in trouble. I sent a card as required (ha)

but was so busy I forgot what day it was and, alas...forgot to call her. So I

rapidly apologized and explained how busy I had been all day and how I had left

the house at 6 am and was just walking in the door...etc. etc....trying my best

to back-pedal my way out of the lion's den before the lion attacked. But it was

too late. My Nada, in the angriest tone, said " you are no longer my daughter! "

and hung up. When I went over to my machine later that night, there were like 20

calls - all hang ups and all from her, I'm sure, calling me throughout the day

because my life wasn't revolving around her (SHOCKER, I'm certain, as I

constantly gave the impression my life did revolve around her just to make sure

I didn't end up where I ended up that night - as the " bad daughter " )!

>

> I fell to the floor sobbing. I had disappointed her once again, even while

trying my best. Since I was then and still am in two 12-step programs, (one

because of my Nada), I called my sponsor in that program the next morning and

talked with her about what a terrible thing I had done. I'll never forget what

she said to me because that day was indeed a changing point in my life.

>

> I called her, from work, crying and beating myself up. I was frantic and

uncomfortable and sick to my stomach. I told my sponsor that I NEEDED my Nada to

forgive me so I could get on with the business of LIVING. I had no idea how to

be OK with someone being mad at me. It was something I just wasn't equipped to

deal with.

>

> She said " Charlotte, you have to apologize ONCE and let it go. If she's mad at

you after you apologize, that is her right. It is her right to be wrong (!!!!)

if she wants to be. It is her right to be unreasonable if she wants to be. YOU

have to choose your actions based on being the daughter you want to be,

regardless of the mom you have. As far as you forgetting to call her, remember

that being human is not a character defect. Meaning you made an honest mistake,

and it's totally OK. So, what I would do is make one apology - send flowers or

whatever you feel you need to do to be the daughter you want to be - and LET HER

BE MAD AT YOU for as long as she wants to be. If you don't give her the dignity

to be mad at you - in other words - if you go in and do the song, the dance, the

soft shoe...to make everything better, you are not letting her figure out how

to unwind on her own. You are enabling her to blow up at you, create wreckage in

YOUR life and then YOU go and clean it up and polish it and make it all shiny

and new again. You need to let her sit with her wreckage for once. Have her NOT

hear you apologize profusely and beg for her forgiveness. It is reasonable that

your life revolves around you. Not her. It is reasonable that you be a really

good daughter who is imperfect and makes mistakes, but does her best. However,

it is also reasonable for you to expect her to be exactly how she has always

been, too. And UNreasonable for you to expect her not to hold you up to a

standard no human could ever reach, no matter how hard they tried. But that is

about her. It's not about you. You are a good person REGARDLESS if she thinks

that or not " .

>

> I was flabbergasted. It had never occurred to me to realize that I was a good

person based on my actions and how I felt about them. Instead, I based all my

opinions of myself based on how other people perceived me. This was because

" other people " (i.e. my Nada, my NP grandmother, my abusive stepdad, to name a

few) all expected my world to revolve around them. ALL the time.

>

> It was also extremely difficult NOT to call my Nada and profusely apologize

and beg for forgiveness despite being a good listener and hearing what my

sponsor had said. In fact, whenever I wanted to call Nada and apologize, because

I felt sick to my stomach all day long, I called my sponsor instead. I'm

embarrassed to admit this, but I called my sponsor probably 20 times the first

day; 15 the next; then maybe 8 or 10 the day after that. It took a long time,

and a lot of Pepto Bismol to not call my Nada. But I didn't call.

>

> Something happened to me then. It was such a turning point. I was able to

start being OK with my boyfriend (now husband) when he was mad at me. I kept

remembering that I had to give him the dignity to get over the anger however

long it took him and with whatever skills he needed to use HIMSELF at the time.

It was not my job to " make it better " aside from sincerely apologizing ONCE and

then turning over the outcome. If I needed to change behavior, then that, too.

But it was not my job to " still the rocking boat " no matter who kept it rocking.

>

> My Nada didn't speak to me for about 9 months. In fact, it was the first time

she hadn't spoken to me by choice for that long (I have since initiated many

attempts at NC, and this last one of limited contact has been on for a few

years). She told my brother that she had " disowned " me. I WISH, in retrospect,

that was even possible.

>

> At any rate, one day, out of the blue, she called me and acted like nothing

had happened. Being not too sure what to do, I let her back in my life and

continued the relationship as it was with the one change of only apologizing

once.

>

> Fast forward about 2 years and my 30th birthday approached. I was a little

down because I was getting older, but other than that had a nice day. It struck

me as I was going to bed that my Nada hadn't called me. I smiled to myself that

I hadn't missed it and drifted off to sleep. A few days later, she calls and

says " Happy Birthday! " I say thank you and she asks " what are you going to do

for your birthday? " and I say " Well, to be honest, Mom, my birthday was 3 days

ago " .

> She says " No it wasn't. It's on my calendar right here in front of me " . And I

say " I think I know when my birthday is, Mom (laughing) but it's not a big deal

if you have the wrong day " . She then says - GET THIS - " Well, whatever. I guess

I forgot " . (No apology of course - never an apology).

>

> Hmmm....so not sure if this was her way of thinking she was getting back at me

for forgetting her birthday, but I realized that to respond the way she

responded when I " forgot " would have been to be as sick as she was, and I didn't

want that. In retrospect, I was a little hurt that she didn't know what day she

pushed me out of her body, but I also am realistic that people - including me -

make mistakes. If I hold her to the same standard at which she holds me, then I

can't be mad at her for holding me to unreasonable standards, either. But,

that's not my business. My business is to worry about how I respond and react,

and how to control my responses and reactions to be as mindful as I can be on

being the woman I want to be today. Such a change from that day 12 years ago.

And I did it one little tiny step at a time.

>

> I hope that you remember, especially those that are new here, that unraveling

a lifetime's worth of twisted emotions takes a long time, but it's possible.

Sometimes it will feel like you aren't making progress, but you are. Just keep

remembering that you deserve to be happy and walk toward that.

>

> Charlotte

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Fiona,

You know, I do feel free. I have LC with Nada on MY terms now. I have learned

the art of self-protection and preservation, but it isn't 100% foolproof or easy

(definitely wasn't easy when I first started, as you read in my story below).

However, I have to wonder - my Nada is getting older and HAD expected that I

would take care of her. I made it very clear that while she continued her

shopping addiction and her gambling, she might as well expect me not to be there

when she was old. I am not going to have her blow all of her money and then be

left with nothing at " retirement " (from depending on someone else).

She has a husband who cares for her as if she were a child - and he still works

at age 80 (!!) to maintain her shopping and gambling habits. She hasn't worked

in about 30+ years. He just completely supports her. It is my belief that she

expects me to take over when he dies. My stance is that she is an ADULT despite

how she may act or feel dependency-wise. She has the ability to work, as she has

done so in the past, and the ability to manage her money if she really needed

to. I am not sure what would happen to her if she was unemployable though, or on

permanent disability. Since she isn't, I can see her getting a job as a greeter

at Wal-Mart or something. She loves attention so why not something like that?

I remember my therapist saying that you can't abandon someone over the age of

18. This after I told her I was abandoning my Nada if I didn't care for her. So

it makes me wonder...what really WOULD happen if I wasn't in the picture? I

imagine if I was to get hit by a bus tomorrow (God forbid!!) that my Nada would

find someone else to help her. I even asked her once when she was talking about

getting more plastic surgery (which has made no difference except to make her

wallet thinner) if, given the choice, she'd rather be homeless or look good (my

vain attempt at pointing out she might instead save for the day her husband dies

or is no longer able to work), her reply was that she'd " find someone else to

marry her " . She didn't even pause before answering my question. She really

thinks it is up to someone else to take care of her, not up to HER. However, the

only people who are really entitled to that are children and invalids. She is,

fortunately, neither. So, until she becomes incapable of caring for herself, and

assuming she won't remarry since she's not exactly a catch these days, I will

give her the dignity to grow up emotionally and care for herself. If she becomes

physically incapable of doing so, then I will, at most, arrange for her to have

care outside of me. I just know my limits today and one of them is that I cannot

care for an adult who ungratefully demands it. Call me old-fashioned, but I like

to be appreciated. And I refuse to be the martyr who volunteers for something

and then complains about it.

I guess what I'm getting at is I have options today that I didn't know existed

before. Hopefully I will choose what is healthiest for me and my family first.

Best of luck in your journey to freedom. (((Hugs))).

Charlotte

> >

> > Some of your stories are really bringing back some good and not-so-good

memories of my Nada. However, I thought I'd share a pivotal point in my recovery

from the effects of growing up with a BP/NP parent.

> >

> > It was about 12 years ago, and I was about 28 at the time (oy! I can't

believe I'll be 40 in a couple months!!).

> >

> > It was the ONE time up to that point in my life that I forgot to call my

Nada on her birthday (I have since chosen not to acknowledge her birthday on

purpose). I was working full-time, going to school, living in another city, and

had one of those days that was just LONG LONG LONG. Like I had left the house at

6 am and didn't get home until 11 pm. When I got home, my phone was ringing as I

walked in. Surprised that someone would be calling so late, I picked it up (this

was before the wonderful invention of Caller ID was a regular household thing,

which I am sure was invented by someone with a BP in their life!!). It was my

Nada calling. She asked me before I could even get my bearings or set my keys

down if I knew " what day it was " . I paused, and then remembered it was her

birthday. I had remembered that it was coming up earlier in the week because I

knew if I didn't send a card I'd be in trouble. I sent a card as required (ha)

but was so busy I forgot what day it was and, alas...forgot to call her. So I

rapidly apologized and explained how busy I had been all day and how I had left

the house at 6 am and was just walking in the door...etc. etc....trying my best

to back-pedal my way out of the lion's den before the lion attacked. But it was

too late. My Nada, in the angriest tone, said " you are no longer my daughter! "

and hung up. When I went over to my machine later that night, there were like 20

calls - all hang ups and all from her, I'm sure, calling me throughout the day

because my life wasn't revolving around her (SHOCKER, I'm certain, as I

constantly gave the impression my life did revolve around her just to make sure

I didn't end up where I ended up that night - as the " bad daughter " )!

> >

> > I fell to the floor sobbing. I had disappointed her once again, even while

trying my best. Since I was then and still am in two 12-step programs, (one

because of my Nada), I called my sponsor in that program the next morning and

talked with her about what a terrible thing I had done. I'll never forget what

she said to me because that day was indeed a changing point in my life.

> >

> > I called her, from work, crying and beating myself up. I was frantic and

uncomfortable and sick to my stomach. I told my sponsor that I NEEDED my Nada to

forgive me so I could get on with the business of LIVING. I had no idea how to

be OK with someone being mad at me. It was something I just wasn't equipped to

deal with.

> >

> > She said " Charlotte, you have to apologize ONCE and let it go. If she's mad

at you after you apologize, that is her right. It is her right to be wrong

(!!!!) if she wants to be. It is her right to be unreasonable if she wants to

be. YOU have to choose your actions based on being the daughter you want to be,

regardless of the mom you have. As far as you forgetting to call her, remember

that being human is not a character defect. Meaning you made an honest mistake,

and it's totally OK. So, what I would do is make one apology - send flowers or

whatever you feel you need to do to be the daughter you want to be - and LET HER

BE MAD AT YOU for as long as she wants to be. If you don't give her the dignity

to be mad at you - in other words - if you go in and do the song, the dance, the

soft shoe...to make everything better, you are not letting her figure out how

to unwind on her own. You are enabling her to blow up at you, create wreckage in

YOUR life and then YOU go and clean it up and polish it and make it all shiny

and new again. You need to let her sit with her wreckage for once. Have her NOT

hear you apologize profusely and beg for her forgiveness. It is reasonable that

your life revolves around you. Not her. It is reasonable that you be a really

good daughter who is imperfect and makes mistakes, but does her best. However,

it is also reasonable for you to expect her to be exactly how she has always

been, too. And UNreasonable for you to expect her not to hold you up to a

standard no human could ever reach, no matter how hard they tried. But that is

about her. It's not about you. You are a good person REGARDLESS if she thinks

that or not " .

> >

> > I was flabbergasted. It had never occurred to me to realize that I was a

good person based on my actions and how I felt about them. Instead, I based all

my opinions of myself based on how other people perceived me. This was because

" other people " (i.e. my Nada, my NP grandmother, my abusive stepdad, to name a

few) all expected my world to revolve around them. ALL the time.

> >

> > It was also extremely difficult NOT to call my Nada and profusely apologize

and beg for forgiveness despite being a good listener and hearing what my

sponsor had said. In fact, whenever I wanted to call Nada and apologize, because

I felt sick to my stomach all day long, I called my sponsor instead. I'm

embarrassed to admit this, but I called my sponsor probably 20 times the first

day; 15 the next; then maybe 8 or 10 the day after that. It took a long time,

and a lot of Pepto Bismol to not call my Nada. But I didn't call.

> >

> > Something happened to me then. It was such a turning point. I was able to

start being OK with my boyfriend (now husband) when he was mad at me. I kept

remembering that I had to give him the dignity to get over the anger however

long it took him and with whatever skills he needed to use HIMSELF at the time.

It was not my job to " make it better " aside from sincerely apologizing ONCE and

then turning over the outcome. If I needed to change behavior, then that, too.

But it was not my job to " still the rocking boat " no matter who kept it rocking.

> >

> > My Nada didn't speak to me for about 9 months. In fact, it was the first

time she hadn't spoken to me by choice for that long (I have since initiated

many attempts at NC, and this last one of limited contact has been on for a few

years). She told my brother that she had " disowned " me. I WISH, in retrospect,

that was even possible.

> >

> > At any rate, one day, out of the blue, she called me and acted like nothing

had happened. Being not too sure what to do, I let her back in my life and

continued the relationship as it was with the one change of only apologizing

once.

> >

> > Fast forward about 2 years and my 30th birthday approached. I was a little

down because I was getting older, but other than that had a nice day. It struck

me as I was going to bed that my Nada hadn't called me. I smiled to myself that

I hadn't missed it and drifted off to sleep. A few days later, she calls and

says " Happy Birthday! " I say thank you and she asks " what are you going to do

for your birthday? " and I say " Well, to be honest, Mom, my birthday was 3 days

ago " .

> > She says " No it wasn't. It's on my calendar right here in front of me " . And

I say " I think I know when my birthday is, Mom (laughing) but it's not a big

deal if you have the wrong day " . She then says - GET THIS - " Well, whatever. I

guess I forgot " . (No apology of course - never an apology).

> >

> > Hmmm....so not sure if this was her way of thinking she was getting back at

me for forgetting her birthday, but I realized that to respond the way she

responded when I " forgot " would have been to be as sick as she was, and I didn't

want that. In retrospect, I was a little hurt that she didn't know what day she

pushed me out of her body, but I also am realistic that people - including me -

make mistakes. If I hold her to the same standard at which she holds me, then I

can't be mad at her for holding me to unreasonable standards, either. But,

that's not my business. My business is to worry about how I respond and react,

and how to control my responses and reactions to be as mindful as I can be on

being the woman I want to be today. Such a change from that day 12 years ago.

And I did it one little tiny step at a time.

> >

> > I hope that you remember, especially those that are new here, that

unraveling a lifetime's worth of twisted emotions takes a long time, but it's

possible. Sometimes it will feel like you aren't making progress, but you are.

Just keep remembering that you deserve to be happy and walk toward that.

> >

> > Charlotte

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Fiona,

You know, I do feel free. I have LC with Nada on MY terms now. I have learned

the art of self-protection and preservation, but it isn't 100% foolproof or easy

(definitely wasn't easy when I first started, as you read in my story below).

However, I have to wonder - my Nada is getting older and HAD expected that I

would take care of her. I made it very clear that while she continued her

shopping addiction and her gambling, she might as well expect me not to be there

when she was old. I am not going to have her blow all of her money and then be

left with nothing at " retirement " (from depending on someone else).

She has a husband who cares for her as if she were a child - and he still works

at age 80 (!!) to maintain her shopping and gambling habits. She hasn't worked

in about 30+ years. He just completely supports her. It is my belief that she

expects me to take over when he dies. My stance is that she is an ADULT despite

how she may act or feel dependency-wise. She has the ability to work, as she has

done so in the past, and the ability to manage her money if she really needed

to. I am not sure what would happen to her if she was unemployable though, or on

permanent disability. Since she isn't, I can see her getting a job as a greeter

at Wal-Mart or something. She loves attention so why not something like that?

I remember my therapist saying that you can't abandon someone over the age of

18. This after I told her I was abandoning my Nada if I didn't care for her. So

it makes me wonder...what really WOULD happen if I wasn't in the picture? I

imagine if I was to get hit by a bus tomorrow (God forbid!!) that my Nada would

find someone else to help her. I even asked her once when she was talking about

getting more plastic surgery (which has made no difference except to make her

wallet thinner) if, given the choice, she'd rather be homeless or look good (my

vain attempt at pointing out she might instead save for the day her husband dies

or is no longer able to work), her reply was that she'd " find someone else to

marry her " . She didn't even pause before answering my question. She really

thinks it is up to someone else to take care of her, not up to HER. However, the

only people who are really entitled to that are children and invalids. She is,

fortunately, neither. So, until she becomes incapable of caring for herself, and

assuming she won't remarry since she's not exactly a catch these days, I will

give her the dignity to grow up emotionally and care for herself. If she becomes

physically incapable of doing so, then I will, at most, arrange for her to have

care outside of me. I just know my limits today and one of them is that I cannot

care for an adult who ungratefully demands it. Call me old-fashioned, but I like

to be appreciated. And I refuse to be the martyr who volunteers for something

and then complains about it.

I guess what I'm getting at is I have options today that I didn't know existed

before. Hopefully I will choose what is healthiest for me and my family first.

Best of luck in your journey to freedom. (((Hugs))).

Charlotte

> >

> > Some of your stories are really bringing back some good and not-so-good

memories of my Nada. However, I thought I'd share a pivotal point in my recovery

from the effects of growing up with a BP/NP parent.

> >

> > It was about 12 years ago, and I was about 28 at the time (oy! I can't

believe I'll be 40 in a couple months!!).

> >

> > It was the ONE time up to that point in my life that I forgot to call my

Nada on her birthday (I have since chosen not to acknowledge her birthday on

purpose). I was working full-time, going to school, living in another city, and

had one of those days that was just LONG LONG LONG. Like I had left the house at

6 am and didn't get home until 11 pm. When I got home, my phone was ringing as I

walked in. Surprised that someone would be calling so late, I picked it up (this

was before the wonderful invention of Caller ID was a regular household thing,

which I am sure was invented by someone with a BP in their life!!). It was my

Nada calling. She asked me before I could even get my bearings or set my keys

down if I knew " what day it was " . I paused, and then remembered it was her

birthday. I had remembered that it was coming up earlier in the week because I

knew if I didn't send a card I'd be in trouble. I sent a card as required (ha)

but was so busy I forgot what day it was and, alas...forgot to call her. So I

rapidly apologized and explained how busy I had been all day and how I had left

the house at 6 am and was just walking in the door...etc. etc....trying my best

to back-pedal my way out of the lion's den before the lion attacked. But it was

too late. My Nada, in the angriest tone, said " you are no longer my daughter! "

and hung up. When I went over to my machine later that night, there were like 20

calls - all hang ups and all from her, I'm sure, calling me throughout the day

because my life wasn't revolving around her (SHOCKER, I'm certain, as I

constantly gave the impression my life did revolve around her just to make sure

I didn't end up where I ended up that night - as the " bad daughter " )!

> >

> > I fell to the floor sobbing. I had disappointed her once again, even while

trying my best. Since I was then and still am in two 12-step programs, (one

because of my Nada), I called my sponsor in that program the next morning and

talked with her about what a terrible thing I had done. I'll never forget what

she said to me because that day was indeed a changing point in my life.

> >

> > I called her, from work, crying and beating myself up. I was frantic and

uncomfortable and sick to my stomach. I told my sponsor that I NEEDED my Nada to

forgive me so I could get on with the business of LIVING. I had no idea how to

be OK with someone being mad at me. It was something I just wasn't equipped to

deal with.

> >

> > She said " Charlotte, you have to apologize ONCE and let it go. If she's mad

at you after you apologize, that is her right. It is her right to be wrong

(!!!!) if she wants to be. It is her right to be unreasonable if she wants to

be. YOU have to choose your actions based on being the daughter you want to be,

regardless of the mom you have. As far as you forgetting to call her, remember

that being human is not a character defect. Meaning you made an honest mistake,

and it's totally OK. So, what I would do is make one apology - send flowers or

whatever you feel you need to do to be the daughter you want to be - and LET HER

BE MAD AT YOU for as long as she wants to be. If you don't give her the dignity

to be mad at you - in other words - if you go in and do the song, the dance, the

soft shoe...to make everything better, you are not letting her figure out how

to unwind on her own. You are enabling her to blow up at you, create wreckage in

YOUR life and then YOU go and clean it up and polish it and make it all shiny

and new again. You need to let her sit with her wreckage for once. Have her NOT

hear you apologize profusely and beg for her forgiveness. It is reasonable that

your life revolves around you. Not her. It is reasonable that you be a really

good daughter who is imperfect and makes mistakes, but does her best. However,

it is also reasonable for you to expect her to be exactly how she has always

been, too. And UNreasonable for you to expect her not to hold you up to a

standard no human could ever reach, no matter how hard they tried. But that is

about her. It's not about you. You are a good person REGARDLESS if she thinks

that or not " .

> >

> > I was flabbergasted. It had never occurred to me to realize that I was a

good person based on my actions and how I felt about them. Instead, I based all

my opinions of myself based on how other people perceived me. This was because

" other people " (i.e. my Nada, my NP grandmother, my abusive stepdad, to name a

few) all expected my world to revolve around them. ALL the time.

> >

> > It was also extremely difficult NOT to call my Nada and profusely apologize

and beg for forgiveness despite being a good listener and hearing what my

sponsor had said. In fact, whenever I wanted to call Nada and apologize, because

I felt sick to my stomach all day long, I called my sponsor instead. I'm

embarrassed to admit this, but I called my sponsor probably 20 times the first

day; 15 the next; then maybe 8 or 10 the day after that. It took a long time,

and a lot of Pepto Bismol to not call my Nada. But I didn't call.

> >

> > Something happened to me then. It was such a turning point. I was able to

start being OK with my boyfriend (now husband) when he was mad at me. I kept

remembering that I had to give him the dignity to get over the anger however

long it took him and with whatever skills he needed to use HIMSELF at the time.

It was not my job to " make it better " aside from sincerely apologizing ONCE and

then turning over the outcome. If I needed to change behavior, then that, too.

But it was not my job to " still the rocking boat " no matter who kept it rocking.

> >

> > My Nada didn't speak to me for about 9 months. In fact, it was the first

time she hadn't spoken to me by choice for that long (I have since initiated

many attempts at NC, and this last one of limited contact has been on for a few

years). She told my brother that she had " disowned " me. I WISH, in retrospect,

that was even possible.

> >

> > At any rate, one day, out of the blue, she called me and acted like nothing

had happened. Being not too sure what to do, I let her back in my life and

continued the relationship as it was with the one change of only apologizing

once.

> >

> > Fast forward about 2 years and my 30th birthday approached. I was a little

down because I was getting older, but other than that had a nice day. It struck

me as I was going to bed that my Nada hadn't called me. I smiled to myself that

I hadn't missed it and drifted off to sleep. A few days later, she calls and

says " Happy Birthday! " I say thank you and she asks " what are you going to do

for your birthday? " and I say " Well, to be honest, Mom, my birthday was 3 days

ago " .

> > She says " No it wasn't. It's on my calendar right here in front of me " . And

I say " I think I know when my birthday is, Mom (laughing) but it's not a big

deal if you have the wrong day " . She then says - GET THIS - " Well, whatever. I

guess I forgot " . (No apology of course - never an apology).

> >

> > Hmmm....so not sure if this was her way of thinking she was getting back at

me for forgetting her birthday, but I realized that to respond the way she

responded when I " forgot " would have been to be as sick as she was, and I didn't

want that. In retrospect, I was a little hurt that she didn't know what day she

pushed me out of her body, but I also am realistic that people - including me -

make mistakes. If I hold her to the same standard at which she holds me, then I

can't be mad at her for holding me to unreasonable standards, either. But,

that's not my business. My business is to worry about how I respond and react,

and how to control my responses and reactions to be as mindful as I can be on

being the woman I want to be today. Such a change from that day 12 years ago.

And I did it one little tiny step at a time.

> >

> > I hope that you remember, especially those that are new here, that

unraveling a lifetime's worth of twisted emotions takes a long time, but it's

possible. Sometimes it will feel like you aren't making progress, but you are.

Just keep remembering that you deserve to be happy and walk toward that.

> >

> > Charlotte

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You should start clipping articles about how heavily the women over seventy

outnumber the men and how now we are having to educate our senior citizens about

STD's. I can't tell you how many times i have heard about the single men in

retirement communities just enjoying their second sexual revolution. Good luck

with that getting remarried senario! HA.

My nada just remarried. Her second husband died a almost four years ago and the

one she married, divorced and remarried again (long story) is not in nearly as

good a shape financially as she is. For three months my mantra was...get a

pre-nup! Which she did. I just wanted her to be protected in case it did not

work out, which, lets face it, being married to a BP is not a cake walk. He

seems to be a glutton for punishment and she is too scared to be alone, so they

are perfect for each other! LOL

are our nadas sisters? no gambling with mine, but she is def. a shop a holic.

She also expected that I would care for her when she got older and was/is

resentful that I am not going to drop my whole life when she is disabled and

move one thousand miles from my own family to care for her. She got very huffy

and said, " I guess you'll just hire a caregiver and I'll have to deal with a

stranger in my house " . guess what she was doing for a living back then? you

guessed it, caregiver! *rolling my eyes*

Carla

>

>

>

> Hi Fiona,

> You know, I do feel free. I have LC with Nada on MY terms now. I have learned

the art of self-protection and preservation, but it isn't 100% foolproof or easy

(definitely wasn't easy when I first started, as you read in my story below).

>

> However, I have to wonder - my Nada is getting older and HAD expected that I

would take care of her. I made it very clear that while she continued her

shopping addiction and her gambling, she might as well expect me not to be there

when she was old. I am not going to have her blow all of her money and then be

left with nothing at " retirement " (from depending on someone else).

>

> She has a husband who cares for her as if she were a child - and he still

works at age 80 (!!) to maintain her shopping and gambling habits. She hasn't

worked in about 30+ years. He just completely supports her. It is my belief that

she expects me to take over when he dies. My stance is that she is an ADULT

despite how she may act or feel dependency-wise. She has the ability to work, as

she has done so in the past, and the ability to manage her money if she really

needed to. I am not sure what would happen to her if she was unemployable

though, or on permanent disability. Since she isn't, I can see her getting a job

as a greeter at Wal-Mart or something. She loves attention so why not something

like that?

>

> I remember my therapist saying that you can't abandon someone over the age of

18. This after I told her I was abandoning my Nada if I didn't care for her. So

it makes me wonder...what really WOULD happen if I wasn't in the picture? I

imagine if I was to get hit by a bus tomorrow (God forbid!!) that my Nada would

find someone else to help her. I even asked her once when she was talking about

getting more plastic surgery (which has made no difference except to make her

wallet thinner) if, given the choice, she'd rather be homeless or look good (my

vain attempt at pointing out she might instead save for the day her husband dies

or is no longer able to work), her reply was that she'd " find someone else to

marry her " . She didn't even pause before answering my question. She really

thinks it is up to someone else to take care of her, not up to HER. However, the

only people who are really entitled to that are children and invalids. She is,

fortunately, neither. So, until she becomes incapable of caring for herself, and

assuming she won't remarry since she's not exactly a catch these days, I will

give her the dignity to grow up emotionally and care for herself. If she becomes

physically incapable of doing so, then I will, at most, arrange for her to have

care outside of me. I just know my limits today and one of them is that I cannot

care for an adult who ungratefully demands it. Call me old-fashioned, but I like

to be appreciated. And I refuse to be the martyr who volunteers for something

and then complains about it.

>

> I guess what I'm getting at is I have options today that I didn't know existed

before. Hopefully I will choose what is healthiest for me and my family first.

>

> Best of luck in your journey to freedom. (((Hugs))).

> Charlotte

[Guest guest]

Powerful Charlotte, thanks for posting. This is going into my BPD management

tools!

>

> Some of your stories are really bringing back some good and not-so-good

memories of my Nada. However, I thought I'd share a pivotal point in my recovery

from the effects of growing up with a BP/NP parent.

>

> It was about 12 years ago, and I was about 28 at the time (oy! I can't believe

I'll be 40 in a couple months!!).

>

> It was the ONE time up to that point in my life that I forgot to call my Nada

on her birthday (I have since chosen not to acknowledge her birthday on

purpose). I was working full-time, going to school, living in another city, and

had one of those days that was just LONG LONG LONG. Like I had left the house at

6 am and didn't get home until 11 pm. When I got home, my phone was ringing as I

walked in. Surprised that someone would be calling so late, I picked it up (this

was before the wonderful invention of Caller ID was a regular household thing,

which I am sure was invented by someone with a BP in their life!!). It was my

Nada calling. She asked me before I could even get my bearings or set my keys

down if I knew " what day it was " . I paused, and then remembered it was her

birthday. I had remembered that it was coming up earlier in the week because I

knew if I didn't send a card I'd be in trouble. I sent a card as required (ha)

but was so busy I forgot what day it was and, alas...forgot to call her. So I

rapidly apologized and explained how busy I had been all day and how I had left

the house at 6 am and was just walking in the door...etc. etc....trying my best

to back-pedal my way out of the lion's den before the lion attacked. But it was

too late. My Nada, in the angriest tone, said " you are no longer my daughter! "

and hung up. When I went over to my machine later that night, there were like 20

calls - all hang ups and all from her, I'm sure, calling me throughout the day

because my life wasn't revolving around her (SHOCKER, I'm certain, as I

constantly gave the impression my life did revolve around her just to make sure

I didn't end up where I ended up that night - as the " bad daughter " )!

>

> I fell to the floor sobbing. I had disappointed her once again, even while

trying my best. Since I was then and still am in two 12-step programs, (one

because of my Nada), I called my sponsor in that program the next morning and

talked with her about what a terrible thing I had done. I'll never forget what

she said to me because that day was indeed a changing point in my life.

>

> I called her, from work, crying and beating myself up. I was frantic and

uncomfortable and sick to my stomach. I told my sponsor that I NEEDED my Nada to

forgive me so I could get on with the business of LIVING. I had no idea how to

be OK with someone being mad at me. It was something I just wasn't equipped to

deal with.

>

> She said " Charlotte, you have to apologize ONCE and let it go. If she's mad at

you after you apologize, that is her right. It is her right to be wrong (!!!!)

if she wants to be. It is her right to be unreasonable if she wants to be. YOU

have to choose your actions based on being the daughter you want to be,

regardless of the mom you have. As far as you forgetting to call her, remember

that being human is not a character defect. Meaning you made an honest mistake,

and it's totally OK. So, what I would do is make one apology - send flowers or

whatever you feel you need to do to be the daughter you want to be - and LET HER

BE MAD AT YOU for as long as she wants to be. If you don't give her the dignity

to be mad at you - in other words - if you go in and do the song, the dance, the

soft shoe...to make everything better, you are not letting her figure out how

to unwind on her own. You are enabling her to blow up at you, create wreckage in

YOUR life and then YOU go and clean it up and polish it and make it all shiny

and new again. You need to let her sit with her wreckage for once. Have her NOT

hear you apologize profusely and beg for her forgiveness. It is reasonable that

your life revolves around you. Not her. It is reasonable that you be a really

good daughter who is imperfect and makes mistakes, but does her best. However,

it is also reasonable for you to expect her to be exactly how she has always

been, too. And UNreasonable for you to expect her not to hold you up to a

standard no human could ever reach, no matter how hard they tried. But that is

about her. It's not about you. You are a good person REGARDLESS if she thinks

that or not " .

>

> I was flabbergasted. It had never occurred to me to realize that I was a good

person based on my actions and how I felt about them. Instead, I based all my

opinions of myself based on how other people perceived me. This was because

" other people " (i.e. my Nada, my NP grandmother, my abusive stepdad, to name a

few) all expected my world to revolve around them. ALL the time.

>

> It was also extremely difficult NOT to call my Nada and profusely apologize

and beg for forgiveness despite being a good listener and hearing what my

sponsor had said. In fact, whenever I wanted to call Nada and apologize, because

I felt sick to my stomach all day long, I called my sponsor instead. I'm

embarrassed to admit this, but I called my sponsor probably 20 times the first

day; 15 the next; then maybe 8 or 10 the day after that. It took a long time,

and a lot of Pepto Bismol to not call my Nada. But I didn't call.

>

> Something happened to me then. It was such a turning point. I was able to

start being OK with my boyfriend (now husband) when he was mad at me. I kept

remembering that I had to give him the dignity to get over the anger however

long it took him and with whatever skills he needed to use HIMSELF at the time.

It was not my job to " make it better " aside from sincerely apologizing ONCE and

then turning over the outcome. If I needed to change behavior, then that, too.

But it was not my job to " still the rocking boat " no matter who kept it rocking.

>

> My Nada didn't speak to me for about 9 months. In fact, it was the first time

she hadn't spoken to me by choice for that long (I have since initiated many

attempts at NC, and this last one of limited contact has been on for a few

years). She told my brother that she had " disowned " me. I WISH, in retrospect,

that was even possible.

>

> At any rate, one day, out of the blue, she called me and acted like nothing

had happened. Being not too sure what to do, I let her back in my life and

continued the relationship as it was with the one change of only apologizing

once.

>

> Fast forward about 2 years and my 30th birthday approached. I was a little

down because I was getting older, but other than that had a nice day. It struck

me as I was going to bed that my Nada hadn't called me. I smiled to myself that

I hadn't missed it and drifted off to sleep. A few days later, she calls and

says " Happy Birthday! " I say thank you and she asks " what are you going to do

for your birthday? " and I say " Well, to be honest, Mom, my birthday was 3 days

ago " .

> She says " No it wasn't. It's on my calendar right here in front of me " . And I

say " I think I know when my birthday is, Mom (laughing) but it's not a big deal

if you have the wrong day " . She then says - GET THIS - " Well, whatever. I guess

I forgot " . (No apology of course - never an apology).

>

> Hmmm....so not sure if this was her way of thinking she was getting back at me

for forgetting her birthday, but I realized that to respond the way she

responded when I " forgot " would have been to be as sick as she was, and I didn't

want that. In retrospect, I was a little hurt that she didn't know what day she

pushed me out of her body, but I also am realistic that people - including me -

make mistakes. If I hold her to the same standard at which she holds me, then I

can't be mad at her for holding me to unreasonable standards, either. But,

that's not my business. My business is to worry about how I respond and react,

and how to control my responses and reactions to be as mindful as I can be on

being the woman I want to be today. Such a change from that day 12 years ago.

And I did it one little tiny step at a time.

>

> I hope that you remember, especially those that are new here, that unraveling

a lifetime's worth of twisted emotions takes a long time, but it's possible.

Sometimes it will feel like you aren't making progress, but you are. Just keep

remembering that you deserve to be happy and walk toward that.

>

> Charlotte

>

[Guest guest]

Charlotte,

You are right, they do have lots of plans. For the longest time, I felt

obligated to take care of my nada. One day, when I was reaching my breaking

point, I asked my nada what would she do if something happened to me? She

quickly and cooly replied that she already thought about that and figured she

would get into a fight with my husband over finances etc.

I was stunned and in a way, I thank her for her honesty because, wow, that was

an eye opener. The weird thing now is that I get " triggered " when I see those

big pharma commercials on the tv, you know the ones that show daughters helping

their old mothers put on their shoes and take their pills. I silently scream,

" NO WAY LADY! I AM NOT TAKING CARE OF YOU! "

> > >

> > > Some of your stories are really bringing back some good and not-so-good

memories of my Nada. However, I thought I'd share a pivotal point in my recovery

from the effects of growing up with a BP/NP parent.

> > >

> > > It was about 12 years ago, and I was about 28 at the time (oy! I can't

believe I'll be 40 in a couple months!!).

> > >

> > > It was the ONE time up to that point in my life that I forgot to call my

Nada on her birthday (I have since chosen not to acknowledge her birthday on

purpose). I was working full-time, going to school, living in another city, and

had one of those days that was just LONG LONG LONG. Like I had left the house at

6 am and didn't get home until 11 pm. When I got home, my phone was ringing as I

walked in. Surprised that someone would be calling so late, I picked it up (this

was before the wonderful invention of Caller ID was a regular household thing,

which I am sure was invented by someone with a BP in their life!!). It was my

Nada calling. She asked me before I could even get my bearings or set my keys

down if I knew " what day it was " . I paused, and then remembered it was her

birthday. I had remembered that it was coming up earlier in the week because I

knew if I didn't send a card I'd be in trouble. I sent a card as required (ha)

but was so busy I forgot what day it was and, alas...forgot to call her. So I

rapidly apologized and explained how busy I had been all day and how I had left

the house at 6 am and was just walking in the door...etc. etc....trying my best

to back-pedal my way out of the lion's den before the lion attacked. But it was

too late. My Nada, in the angriest tone, said " you are no longer my daughter! "

and hung up. When I went over to my machine later that night, there were like 20

calls - all hang ups and all from her, I'm sure, calling me throughout the day

because my life wasn't revolving around her (SHOCKER, I'm certain, as I

constantly gave the impression my life did revolve around her just to make sure

I didn't end up where I ended up that night - as the " bad daughter " )!

> > >

> > > I fell to the floor sobbing. I had disappointed her once again, even while

trying my best. Since I was then and still am in two 12-step programs, (one

because of my Nada), I called my sponsor in that program the next morning and

talked with her about what a terrible thing I had done. I'll never forget what

she said to me because that day was indeed a changing point in my life.

> > >

> > > I called her, from work, crying and beating myself up. I was frantic and

uncomfortable and sick to my stomach. I told my sponsor that I NEEDED my Nada to

forgive me so I could get on with the business of LIVING. I had no idea how to

be OK with someone being mad at me. It was something I just wasn't equipped to

deal with.

> > >

> > > She said " Charlotte, you have to apologize ONCE and let it go. If she's

mad at you after you apologize, that is her right. It is her right to be wrong

(!!!!) if she wants to be. It is her right to be unreasonable if she wants to

be. YOU have to choose your actions based on being the daughter you want to be,

regardless of the mom you have. As far as you forgetting to call her, remember

that being human is not a character defect. Meaning you made an honest mistake,

and it's totally OK. So, what I would do is make one apology - send flowers or

whatever you feel you need to do to be the daughter you want to be - and LET HER

BE MAD AT YOU for as long as she wants to be. If you don't give her the dignity

to be mad at you - in other words - if you go in and do the song, the dance, the

soft shoe...to make everything better, you are not letting her figure out how

to unwind on her own. You are enabling her to blow up at you, create wreckage in

YOUR life and then YOU go and clean it up and polish it and make it all shiny

and new again. You need to let her sit with her wreckage for once. Have her NOT

hear you apologize profusely and beg for her forgiveness. It is reasonable that

your life revolves around you. Not her. It is reasonable that you be a really

good daughter who is imperfect and makes mistakes, but does her best. However,

it is also reasonable for you to expect her to be exactly how she has always

been, too. And UNreasonable for you to expect her not to hold you up to a

standard no human could ever reach, no matter how hard they tried. But that is

about her. It's not about you. You are a good person REGARDLESS if she thinks

that or not " .

> > >

> > > I was flabbergasted. It had never occurred to me to realize that I was a

good person based on my actions and how I felt about them. Instead, I based all

my opinions of myself based on how other people perceived me. This was because

" other people " (i.e. my Nada, my NP grandmother, my abusive stepdad, to name a

few) all expected my world to revolve around them. ALL the time.

> > >

> > > It was also extremely difficult NOT to call my Nada and profusely

apologize and beg for forgiveness despite being a good listener and hearing what

my sponsor had said. In fact, whenever I wanted to call Nada and apologize,

because I felt sick to my stomach all day long, I called my sponsor instead. I'm

embarrassed to admit this, but I called my sponsor probably 20 times the first

day; 15 the next; then maybe 8 or 10 the day after that. It took a long time,

and a lot of Pepto Bismol to not call my Nada. But I didn't call.

> > >

> > > Something happened to me then. It was such a turning point. I was able to

start being OK with my boyfriend (now husband) when he was mad at me. I kept

remembering that I had to give him the dignity to get over the anger however

long it took him and with whatever skills he needed to use HIMSELF at the time.

It was not my job to " make it better " aside from sincerely apologizing ONCE and

then turning over the outcome. If I needed to change behavior, then that, too.

But it was not my job to " still the rocking boat " no matter who kept it rocking.

> > >

> > > My Nada didn't speak to me for about 9 months. In fact, it was the first

time she hadn't spoken to me by choice for that long (I have since initiated

many attempts at NC, and this last one of limited contact has been on for a few

years). She told my brother that she had " disowned " me. I WISH, in retrospect,

that was even possible.

> > >

> > > At any rate, one day, out of the blue, she called me and acted like

nothing had happened. Being not too sure what to do, I let her back in my life

and continued the relationship as it was with the one change of only apologizing

once.

> > >

> > > Fast forward about 2 years and my 30th birthday approached. I was a little

down because I was getting older, but other than that had a nice day. It struck

me as I was going to bed that my Nada hadn't called me. I smiled to myself that

I hadn't missed it and drifted off to sleep. A few days later, she calls and

says " Happy Birthday! " I say thank you and she asks " what are you going to do

for your birthday? " and I say " Well, to be honest, Mom, my birthday was 3 days

ago " .

> > > She says " No it wasn't. It's on my calendar right here in front of me " .

And I say " I think I know when my birthday is, Mom (laughing) but it's not a big

deal if you have the wrong day " . She then says - GET THIS - " Well, whatever. I

guess I forgot " . (No apology of course - never an apology).

> > >

> > > Hmmm....so not sure if this was her way of thinking she was getting back

at me for forgetting her birthday, but I realized that to respond the way she

responded when I " forgot " would have been to be as sick as she was, and I didn't

want that. In retrospect, I was a little hurt that she didn't know what day she

pushed me out of her body, but I also am realistic that people - including me -

make mistakes. If I hold her to the same standard at which she holds me, then I

can't be mad at her for holding me to unreasonable standards, either. But,

that's not my business. My business is to worry about how I respond and react,

and how to control my responses and reactions to be as mindful as I can be on

being the woman I want to be today. Such a change from that day 12 years ago.

And I did it one little tiny step at a time.

> > >

> > > I hope that you remember, especially those that are new here, that

unraveling a lifetime's worth of twisted emotions takes a long time, but it's

possible. Sometimes it will feel like you aren't making progress, but you are.

Just keep remembering that you deserve to be happy and walk toward that.

> > >

> > > Charlotte

> > >

> >

>