Re: first post, KO Waif nada

[Guest guest]

Welcome Cassie. That's good that you're reading up about borderline pd; the

more you know about the disorder, the easier it is to accept that its not

something that you either caused or can fix, and it helps us to not take their

negative, hostile, demanding, childish behaviors (quite as) personally.

Education is power, and empowering!

-Annie

>

> Hello, I am Cassie, KO waif nada.  I am blown away by all the posts in this

group which I only discovered a few weeks ago.  I can't read them all.  One

reason is my schedule which is full-time employee with a long commute, part time

graduate school student, and full-time wife and mother.  Whew, just typing that

is tiresome.  The other reason is that I can only take so much of focusing on

nada's illness and the wake of turmoil she's left (is leaving) behind before I

have to completely compartmentalize and leave all that alone for a while. I

still feel a profound sadness and hopelessness about nada's well-being.  She's

young enough (64) now to still be pretty independent (in that BPD sort of way)

but she is getting older and guess who she thinks will be her caretaker when she

can't care for herself.  Oh how i dread those days.  The conversations of, No,

Mom, you cannot come live with us.  You can only be here 3 days at a time or my

marriage,

> job and very sanity are all put in jeopardy! 

>  

> I've only recently realized my mom suffers BPD and it took me a little while

to find the waif description which she totally owns.  I'm reading " stop walking

on eggshells " second ed. and i swear they wrote it JUST for me.  ;-) 

>

> learning and loving the support.  i am no longer alone.  thank you!

>

>

> Cassie

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Cassie,

Welcome to the group; you're very much in the right place.

Reading your description of your nada, I'm just nodding my head over and over.

Your life is so full (to put it mildly) and yet, if she's like mine, she

probably doesn't appreciate the fullness of your plate during her " crises " and

wants only YOU to fill the empty spots of her life that should be filled with

hobbies, volunteering, maybe making new friends.

Your mother's very young! She sounds just like mine (who is 74 but has always

acted older and helpless). Part of me feels pity and sorry for her and another

part of me feels anger at allowing herself to just fade away without even trying

to really have a life.

It's very frustrating. Anyway, I'm glad we're all here for each other. I swear

NO ONE else gets it. And I understand that, esp when others have had " normal "

parents who don't have dysfunctional, unreasonable expectations of their grown

children.

Take care; good to know you're here!

Fiona

>

> Hello, I am Cassie, KO waif nada. I am blown away by all the posts in this

group which I only discovered a few weeks ago. I can't read them all. One

reason is my schedule which is full-time employee with a long commute, part time

graduate school student, and full-time wife and mother. Whew, just typing that

is tiresome. The other reason is that I can only take so much of focusing on

nada's illness and the wake of turmoil she's left (is leaving) behind before I

have to completely compartmentalize and leave all that alone for a while. I

still feel a profound sadness and hopelessness about nada's well-being. She's

young enough (64) now to still be pretty independent (in that BPD sort of way)

but she is getting older and guess who she thinks will be her caretaker when she

can't care for herself. Oh how i dread those days. The conversations of, No,

Mom, you cannot come live with us. You can only be here 3 days at a time or my

marriage,

> job and very sanity are all put in jeopardy!

>

> I've only recently realized my mom suffers BPD and it took me a little while

to find the waif description which she totally owns. I'm reading " stop walking

on eggshells " second ed. and i swear they wrote it JUST for me. ;-)

>

> learning and loving the support. i am no longer alone. thank you!

>

>

> Cassie

>

>

[Guest guest]

Maureen,

I am almost crying reading your post.

When you said, " None of us will ever let her live with us, and I was (until

recently) the only one who visited. She lives alone and will not accept help

from anyone except her children. " , I almost spit my coffee up. THAT'S MY NADA.

My mother constantly drops hints of wanting to buy a house with my family. I

actually once entertained the idea. I seriously thought we could have a normal

life. that's not possible. I see that now.

I also laughed when you said nadas have a way of outlasting us. I ALWAYS say

that to my nada when she does her waify, " you'll cry when I'm gone! THEN you'll

know what you missed. " I just tut-tut her and say, " mom, you know you'll

outlive us all, don't you?? " Please!

Same with my kids: they love her (I wonder if they " love " her out of obligation)

but, esp my older one, prefers the peace of not being in the same room with her.

And yes, me too, I feel sadness when I see other members, younger ones, getting

married with crazy nada trying to take over. I wish I had had the insight I have

now. I would have gone for long term one on one counseling a long time ago.

Fiona

>

>

>

> Subject: first post, KO Waif nada

> To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " <WTOAdultChildren1 >

> Date: Sunday, July 10, 2011, 10:35 PM

>

>

> Â

>

>

>

> Hello, I am Cassie, KO waif nada. I am blown away by all the posts in this

group which I only discovered a few weeks ago. I can't read them all. One

reason is my schedule which is full-time employee with a long commute, part time

graduate school student, and full-time wife and mother. Whew, just typing that

is tiresome. The other reason is that I can only take so much of focusing on

nada's illness and the wake of turmoil she's left (is leaving) behind before I

have to completely compartmentalize and leave all that alone for a while. I

still feel a profound sadness and hopelessness about nada's well-being. She's

young enough (64) now to still be pretty independent (in that BPD sort of way)

but she is getting older and guess who she thinks will be her caretaker when

she can't care for herself. Oh how i dread those days. The conversations

of, No, Mom, you cannot come live with us. You can only be here 3 days at a

time or my marriage,

> job and very sanity are all put in jeopardy!Â

> Â

> I've only recently realized my mom suffers BPD and it took me a little while

to find the waif description which she totally owns. I'm reading " stop walking

on eggshells " second ed. and i swear they wrote it JUST for me. ;-)Â

>

> learning and loving the support. i am no longer alone. thank you!

>

> Cassie

>

>

[Guest guest]

Maureen/Fiona, etc: You know the adage " God calls his favorites to him first? "

Well I like to tell everyone that will listen that God doesn't want my nada

back. She's 78, and has lived through 2 heart attacks already.

>

nadas have a way of outlasting us. I ALWAYS say that to my nada when she does

her waify, " you'll cry when I'm gone! THEN you'll know what you missed. " I

just tut-tut her and say, " mom, you know you'll outlive us all, don't you?? "

Please!

[Guest guest]

Bless your heart. i don't see anywhere in that schedule you talked about that

you have time to be your mother's caretaker. Tell her to start saving her

pennies for a room at sunnyvale retirement community...I'm serious. I am going

to have to do the same thing with mine, she made some vicious comments behind my

back a while back about how her 'worst fear in life' is that she will have to

live with me after my father passes, and i hope I live long enough to spit those

words back out at her (the bitterness in me comes from having fought a lunatic

bpd sister in law for a year and half who was vandalizing my parents house by

refusing to clean anything, ever, after her non-working behind and her two

toddlers, and fought with her over her neglect of one of her children etc etc

etc, some pretty selfless battles fought on behalf of my parents and the kids

only to end up with a battle ax stuck in my back by nada in the end).

>

> Hello, I am Cassie, KO waif nada. I am blown away by all the posts in this

group which I only discovered a few weeks ago. I can't read them all. One

reason is my schedule which is full-time employee with a long commute, part time

graduate school student, and full-time wife and mother. Whew, just typing that

is tiresome. The other reason is that I can only take so much of focusing on

nada's illness and the wake of turmoil she's left (is leaving) behind before I

have to completely compartmentalize and leave all that alone for a while. I

still feel a profound sadness and hopelessness about nada's well-being. She's

young enough (64) now to still be pretty independent (in that BPD sort of way)

but she is getting older and guess who she thinks will be her caretaker when she

can't care for herself. Oh how i dread those days. The conversations of, No,

Mom, you cannot come live with us. You can only be here 3 days at a time or my

marriage,

> job and very sanity are all put in jeopardy!

>

> I've only recently realized my mom suffers BPD and it took me a little while

to find the waif description which she totally owns. I'm reading " stop walking

on eggshells " second ed. and i swear they wrote it JUST for me. ;-)

>

> learning and loving the support. i am no longer alone. thank you!

>

>

> Cassie

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, it really is a no win situation for us isn't it. I totally can relate to

the dread of an aging BP parent, actually for me nada-in-law. My husband's nada

is all but disowned by all four of her kids. My husband she has the most

significant connection to because he sets very clear boundries with her and is

very direct, and he will talk to her sometimes. This she deals with. She is

deadly to all her kids, hence the great distance. She would love to move in with

any one of them and ruin their lives. Each has to keep her at arms length.

Always sending guilt messages to them and we finally figured out about 3 years

ago that she has through the years said things to turn each one against the

others. So horrible. She has few resources and makes a lot of not responsible

decisions. She is stuck in adolescence big time. She actualy said to us the last

time she was here for 3 days visiting that " We had better hope she doesn't have

a stroke " . I was too shocked to respond. Unbelievable. My husband told me that

no matter what she can never live with us. It would tear our family apart. He is

right.

I also relate to the sticking up for nada selflessly and having it only turn on

you. I just have to remember these things when the nice nada is talking to me so

I don't set myself up again.

> >

> > Hello, I am Cassie, KO waif nada. I am blown away by all the posts in this

group which I only discovered a few weeks ago. I can't read them all. One

reason is my schedule which is full-time employee with a long commute, part time

graduate school student, and full-time wife and mother. Whew, just typing that

is tiresome. The other reason is that I can only take so much of focusing on

nada's illness and the wake of turmoil she's left (is leaving) behind before I

have to completely compartmentalize and leave all that alone for a while. I

still feel a profound sadness and hopelessness about nada's well-being. She's

young enough (64) now to still be pretty independent (in that BPD sort of way)

but she is getting older and guess who she thinks will be her caretaker when she

can't care for herself. Oh how i dread those days. The conversations of, No,

Mom, you cannot come live with us. You can only be here 3 days at a time or my

marriage,

> > job and very sanity are all put in jeopardy!

> >

> > I've only recently realized my mom suffers BPD and it took me a little while

to find the waif description which she totally owns. I'm reading " stop walking

on eggshells " second ed. and i swear they wrote it JUST for me. ;-)

> >

> > learning and loving the support. i am no longer alone. thank you!

> >

> >

> > Cassie

> >

> >