Guest guest Posted January 27, 2012 Report Share Posted January 27, 2012 Sorry it has been a long time since I have written or participated in the group. I got engaged in September and we have set a date for November 3rd of this year. Most of the wedding planning has gone well except for some recent stress associated with my mother. I've been handling the situation as well as I usually do, however it is my fiance that is having the most difficulty. Currently I am the only one of the two of us that has the arguments and the manipulations from " mommy dearest, " but I do share what is going on with my fiance. It is difficult not to when she sees my reaction to constant text messages being received and the phone calls. My fiance has been dealing with her own stress with having difficulty sleeping since the transition of moving in with me back in late October. She starts to stress that she won't fall asleep, which will give her panic attacks, and thus make sure she won't sleep. She admits that the lack of sleep, have effected her ability to logically deal with stressors she would normally dismiss. Bottom line, the added stress brought on by my mother's interference has been only making matters worse. The wedding drama that my mother has involved herself in has been very petty issues, but has made it about her. For instance the first of which involves the wedding website we have made. This website is already on " save the dates " that have been sent out. My fiance is originates from a different religion and most of her family is 6 hours away from us. She herself has left the religion but knows that those on her side will be put off that it is at a Catholic Church. My fiance had put on the website the location and stated that it will be a ceremony without the mass and we chose this to make everyone feel welcomed. My mother did not like this in the slightest and was very offended that we put that on there because it is that we are " catering to the Baptists. " As well we are having sending a few invitations to a large family of at least 20 people and a few that wouldn't support some decisions we made for the reception that would not be invited to the reception. Again a few will get only a invite to the ceremony. We announced this on the website and included that some of the reasons for this were budgetary. My mother reacted by saying that it is in poor taste to air our financial situation like that and is so so so embarrassed. One last issue that she has taken up was that my mom and dad gave a contribution for the photographer to help us out. This photographer is down their way which is an hour and a half away from where I am. We did not stop in when we had the booking meeting and she found out. She insists that I am a hypocrite for my fiance putting on the website that I enjoy spending time with family and feels that this should be taken off. Besides not wanting to see her as I had enough of her at Christmas time, we found out at the booking appointment that the photographer we wanted was about to not take us as clients because of how much my mother went on the warpath against the photographer for my sisters wedding, which was back in October. Our photographer was the " second photographer " for my sisters wedding and heard about it. My mother had written nasty emails to my sister's photographer that had her in tears. So we were able to still secure the photographer we wanted for the wedding after assuring her that we would be the only ones in contact with her. My sister is not as strong willed with putting her foot down with " mommy dearest " as I am. As an outcome of what has gone on in the last month I have not spoken to my mother in about a week. We have not altered anything on the website. During the phone calls and text messages she raises her voice, calls me selfish, a jerk, only thinking of myself, whipped by my fiance, and actually screamed FU to me. We are looking for guidance and suggestions for how to proceed and not allow this to be a constant issue through the wedding. We have a lot of the planning already done to try to avoid her demands. It is looking like even so she will criticize what has already been decided and point out all errors we encounter with her usual venom. I am used to it but my fiance is not. Please offer suggestions or help where you can. Thank you! Chris Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 27, 2012 Report Share Posted January 27, 2012 I'm reliving my wedding drama 8 years ago except I was a Jew marrying a Catholic.  It ended 2 years ago and I'm still hearing about. It's your wedding and you're not catering to anyone. My ex and I chose to invite all of our friends and limit family to those members only whom we'd actually talked with in the past 6months. Pissed off everyone.  The therapist I'm with now said with a bpd mother it will always have to be about her and her biggest fear is the abandonment so going no contact is probably the best way to go. Give it a month at most and I bet she calls you and acts like nothing happened. Your fiance has to know that you will stand by her and that regardless she will be number 1, my ex actually sited my mom as a cause for the divorce. Honestly, if you can I'd find a therapist with experience with bpd and have you and your fiance attend. She needs to have the right tools to deal with her, and to understand that bpd people don't understand politness, the best favor you can do your self and her is to remember you have to stop expecting her to behave rationally because she's incapable of it. If she doesn't learn how to cope with her it could affect your marriage, believe me.  Don't know where you are but here in Rochester NY there are some great therapists. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Friday, January 27, 2012 2:56 PM Subject: Wedding Drama!  Sorry it has been a long time since I have written or participated in the group. I got engaged in September and we have set a date for November 3rd of this year. Most of the wedding planning has gone well except for some recent stress associated with my mother. I've been handling the situation as well as I usually do, however it is my fiance that is having the most difficulty. Currently I am the only one of the two of us that has the arguments and the manipulations from " mommy dearest, " but I do share what is going on with my fiance. It is difficult not to when she sees my reaction to constant text messages being received and the phone calls. My fiance has been dealing with her own stress with having difficulty sleeping since the transition of moving in with me back in late October. She starts to stress that she won't fall asleep, which will give her panic attacks, and thus make sure she won't sleep. She admits that the lack of sleep, have effected her ability to logically deal with stressors she would normally dismiss. Bottom line, the added stress brought on by my mother's interference has been only making matters worse. The wedding drama that my mother has involved herself in has been very petty issues, but has made it about her. For instance the first of which involves the wedding website we have made. This website is already on " save the dates " that have been sent out. My fiance is originates from a different religion and most of her family is 6 hours away from us. She herself has left the religion but knows that those on her side will be put off that it is at a Catholic Church. My fiance had put on the website the location and stated that it will be a ceremony without the mass and we chose this to make everyone feel welcomed. My mother did not like this in the slightest and was very offended that we put that on there because it is that we are " catering to the Baptists. " As well we are having sending a few invitations to a large family of at least 20 people and a few that wouldn't support some decisions we made for the reception that would not be invited to the reception. Again a few will get only a invite to the ceremony. We announced this on the website and included that some of the reasons for this were budgetary. My mother reacted by saying that it is in poor taste to air our financial situation like that and is so so so embarrassed. One last issue that she has taken up was that my mom and dad gave a contribution for the photographer to help us out. This photographer is down their way which is an hour and a half away from where I am. We did not stop in when we had the booking meeting and she found out. She insists that I am a hypocrite for my fiance putting on the website that I enjoy spending time with family and feels that this should be taken off. Besides not wanting to see her as I had enough of her at Christmas time, we found out at the booking appointment that the photographer we wanted was about to not take us as clients because of how much my mother went on the warpath against the photographer for my sisters wedding, which was back in October. Our photographer was the " second photographer " for my sisters wedding and heard about it. My mother had written nasty emails to my sister's photographer that had her in tears. So we were able to still secure the photographer we wanted for the wedding after assuring her that we would be the only ones in contact with her. My sister is not as strong willed with putting her foot down with " mommy dearest " as I am. As an outcome of what has gone on in the last month I have not spoken to my mother in about a week. We have not altered anything on the website. During the phone calls and text messages she raises her voice, calls me selfish, a jerk, only thinking of myself, whipped by my fiance, and actually screamed FU to me. We are looking for guidance and suggestions for how to proceed and not allow this to be a constant issue through the wedding. We have a lot of the planning already done to try to avoid her demands. It is looking like even so she will criticize what has already been decided and point out all errors we encounter with her usual venom. I am used to it but my fiance is not. Please offer suggestions or help where you can. Thank you! Chris Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 27, 2012 Report Share Posted January 27, 2012 Hey, no need to apologize RE frequency of participation here; not a problem. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage! My suggestion (which may or may not feel suitable for your own situation; you're the judge about that) is that the next time you speak with your mother, the moment that she begins to act out at you, (she becomes enraged, or turns into a puddle of tears, or goes on the attack and says something ugly, critical or hurtful in an attempt to provoke a fight with you), you do not react at all to the provocation and instead you say something like, " I'm not going to discuss that with you, mother. Is there something else you want to talk about? No? Then there are about a hundred things I need to be doing right now. I'll talk to you later. " Or " Its not OK to call me names / say ugly things about (someone else) to me. I won't listen to you when you speak to me like that. I'm hanging up now. We can talk again some other time. " Or, if she's reverted to Waif mode and is boo-hooing in a histrionic way in order to provoke guilt, then you say something like, " I can hear that you are upset now; we can talk later after you've had a chance to calm down. I'm hanging up now. " We've been trained our whole lives to cater to our mother's manipulative or coercive, bullying tactics; she's trained us to fear her anger or fear " hurting her feelings. " The sad thing is that we've been brainwashed from infancy to not notice the little factoid that nada cares not one *iota* about our needs or our feelings. Nada does not care one jot about anything except her own needs and her own feelings. Nada has molded her child to accept that a very one-way relationship is " normal " : that all the caring and concern only goes one way: toward nada. (I personally think that the underlying core trait of all the Cluster B pds is total, absolute self-absorption or narcissism.) So, if you can discipline yourself to stay " in the moment " , to actively listen instead of going numb or going on automatic pilot (just silently enduring the abuse or even dissociating during contact) and begin *interrupting* nada the very moment that she initiates her abusive behaviors, then that is being proactive, that is being assertive, and that is being an adult: giving nada a negative consequence for behaving badly. So, if Nada behaves badly, then that = a very, very short phone call or visit. If she behaves worse, she gets a longer " time out " from contact with you. Some nadas (bpd moms) can learn to modify their nasty, controlling, ugly, raging, vindictive, or whiny, demanding, babyish behaviors when it becomes clear to them that these behaviors will no longer be tolerated, but other nadas can't change or refuse to change. For nadas with a great deal of narcissistic traits, having all the power is more important to nada than you are, if that's the case. Some nadas will escalate their negative behaviors; the frequency and intensity will increase once you begin to really stand up to them and give them boundaries and negative consequences for boundary violations. That behavior is called an " extinction burst. " Be prepared for an escalation once your nada senses that you mean business. But if you can remain firm, (not mean or hateful, not vindictive, not abusive) just solid, steady, and consistent, then nada should eventually realize that she will be rewarded with more contact when she behaves herself. Or, if she continues to escalate her negative behaviors... well, that's what phone blocking, e-mail blocking, and restraining orders are for. Best of luck to you; and again, congrats RE your upcoming marriage. -Annie > > Sorry it has been a long time since I have written or participated in the group. I got engaged in September and we have set a date for November 3rd of this year. Most of the wedding planning has gone well except for some recent stress associated with my mother. I've been handling the situation as well as I usually do, however it is my fiance that is having the most difficulty. Currently I am the only one of the two of us that has the arguments and the manipulations from " mommy dearest, " but I do share what is going on with my fiance. It is difficult not to when she sees my reaction to constant text messages being received and the phone calls. > My fiance has been dealing with her own stress with having difficulty sleeping since the transition of moving in with me back in late October. She starts to stress that she won't fall asleep, which will give her panic attacks, and thus make sure she won't sleep. She admits that the lack of sleep, have effected her ability to logically deal with stressors she would normally dismiss. Bottom line, the added stress brought on by my mother's interference has been only making matters worse. > The wedding drama that my mother has involved herself in has been very petty issues, but has made it about her. For instance the first of which involves the wedding website we have made. This website is already on " save the dates " that have been sent out. My fiance is originates from a different religion and most of her family is 6 hours away from us. She herself has left the religion but knows that those on her side will be put off that it is at a Catholic Church. My fiance had put on the website the location and stated that it will be a ceremony without the mass and we chose this to make everyone feel welcomed. My mother did not like this in the slightest and was very offended that we put that on there because it is that we are " catering to the Baptists. " As well we are having sending a few invitations to a large family of at least 20 people and a few that wouldn't support some decisions we made for the reception that would not be invited to the reception. Again a few will get only a invite to the ceremony. We announced this on the website and included that some of the reasons for this were budgetary. My mother reacted by saying that it is in poor taste to air our financial situation like that and is so so so embarrassed. > One last issue that she has taken up was that my mom and dad gave a contribution for the photographer to help us out. This photographer is down their way which is an hour and a half away from where I am. We did not stop in when we had the booking meeting and she found out. She insists that I am a hypocrite for my fiance putting on the website that I enjoy spending time with family and feels that this should be taken off. Besides not wanting to see her as I had enough of her at Christmas time, we found out at the booking appointment that the photographer we wanted was about to not take us as clients because of how much my mother went on the warpath against the photographer for my sisters wedding, which was back in October. Our photographer was the " second photographer " for my sisters wedding and heard about it. My mother had written nasty emails to my sister's photographer that had her in tears. So we were able to still secure the photographer we wanted for the wedding after assuring her that we would be the only ones in contact with her. My sister is not as strong willed with putting her foot down with " mommy dearest " as I am. > As an outcome of what has gone on in the last month I have not spoken to my mother in about a week. We have not altered anything on the website. During the phone calls and text messages she raises her voice, calls me selfish, a jerk, only thinking of myself, whipped by my fiance, and actually screamed FU to me. > We are looking for guidance and suggestions for how to proceed and not allow this to be a constant issue through the wedding. We have a lot of the planning already done to try to avoid her demands. It is looking like even so she will criticize what has already been decided and point out all errors we encounter with her usual venom. I am used to it but my fiance is not. Please offer suggestions or help where you can. Thank you! > > Chris > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 27, 2012 Report Share Posted January 27, 2012 Hi Chris All I can hear are alarm bells! I totally understand. All I can say from experience is try and establish some boundaries to protect your marriage. My nada completely got her nails into my sisters marriage and her husband couldn't take it after 10 years of abnormal behavior; manipulation, raging, verbal abuse. Now he has moved on re-married and my sister is alone, drinking heavily with my mum hanging out with her at every minute. I am definitely the stronger out of my sister and I but have succumb to her BPD ways for the past 16 years of my marriage. I have been depressed, unable to connect with my hubby and hated being intimate with him (sorry if TMI). It has nearly broken us too. BUT we are educating ourselves and setting boundaries. It's exhausting physically and emotionally and my hubby and I actually are becoming closer as we build a wall around our family. Our children have to be protected from her. Don't wait til the children come along as emotionally I have found it heart wrenching !!' your wife chose you, not your nada. I know it's hard but take one day at a time and dig deep, protect each other, communicate and draw strength from each other. My sister is 42 and alone living a miserable existence regretful she didn't do more to protect her marriage. I'm regretful that I a haven't protected my hubby more and been loyal. To deter her from raging I have actually given into her at the expense of my marriage!! This is a new beginning for you as you marry. You deserve happiness as we all do. Luckily I still have hope in my marriage to save us. Nada isn't going to break us!!! Good luck to you and congrats! I'll look forward to reading your posts, you can do it!! Mel I > > > > Sorry it has been a long time since I have written or participated in the group. I got engaged in September and we have set a date for November 3rd of this year. Most of the wedding planning has gone well except for some recent stress associated with my mother. I've been handling the situation as well as I usually do, however it is my fiance that is having the most difficulty. Currently I am the only one of the two of us that has the arguments and the manipulations from " mommy dearest, " but I do share what is going on with my fiance. It is difficult not to when she sees my reaction to constant text messages being received and the phone calls. > > My fiance has been dealing with her own stress with having difficulty sleeping since the transition of moving in with me back in late October. She starts to stress that she won't fall asleep, which will give her panic attacks, and thus make sure she won't sleep. She admits that the lack of sleep, have effected her ability to logically deal with stressors she would normally dismiss. Bottom line, the added stress brought on by my mother's interference has been only making matters worse. > > The wedding drama that my mother has involved herself in has been very petty issues, but has made it about her. For instance the first of which involves the wedding website we have made. This website is already on " save the dates " that have been sent out. My fiance is originates from a different religion and most of her family is 6 hours away from us. She herself has left the religion but knows that those on her side will be put off that it is at a Catholic Church. My fiance had put on the website the location and stated that it will be a ceremony without the mass and we chose this to make everyone feel welcomed. My mother did not like this in the slightest and was very offended that we put that on there because it is that we are " catering to the Baptists. " As well we are having sending a few invitations to a large family of at least 20 people and a few that wouldn't support some decisions we made for the reception that would not be invited to the reception. Again a few will get only a invite to the ceremony. We announced this on the website and included that some of the reasons for this were budgetary. My mother reacted by saying that it is in poor taste to air our financial situation like that and is so so so embarrassed. > > One last issue that she has taken up was that my mom and dad gave a contribution for the photographer to help us out. This photographer is down their way which is an hour and a half away from where I am. We did not stop in when we had the booking meeting and she found out. She insists that I am a hypocrite for my fiance putting on the website that I enjoy spending time with family and feels that this should be taken off. Besides not wanting to see her as I had enough of her at Christmas time, we found out at the booking appointment that the photographer we wanted was about to not take us as clients because of how much my mother went on the warpath against the photographer for my sisters wedding, which was back in October. Our photographer was the " second photographer " for my sisters wedding and heard about it. My mother had written nasty emails to my sister's photographer that had her in tears. So we were able to still secure the photographer we wanted for the wedding after assuring her that we would be the only ones in contact with her. My sister is not as strong willed with putting her foot down with " mommy dearest " as I am. > > As an outcome of what has gone on in the last month I have not spoken to my mother in about a week. We have not altered anything on the website. During the phone calls and text messages she raises her voice, calls me selfish, a jerk, only thinking of myself, whipped by my fiance, and actually screamed FU to me. > > We are looking for guidance and suggestions for how to proceed and not allow this to be a constant issue through the wedding. We have a lot of the planning already done to try to avoid her demands. It is looking like even so she will criticize what has already been decided and point out all errors we encounter with her usual venom. I am used to it but my fiance is not. Please offer suggestions or help where you can. Thank you! > > > > Chris > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 27, 2012 Report Share Posted January 27, 2012 Dear If your Nada wasn't having fits over the Photog., she'd be going after the caterer, or the church director, or the janitor, groundskeeper, etc., anyone whom she could mess with, in order to mess with the wedding. After the wedding, she'll mess with anyone whom she can in order to mess with your marriage. If you get pregnant, she will mess with that... If you become ill. she will mess with your doctors.... If you are having your house remodeled, she will mess with that.... Whatever you do in your life, your Nada will mess with, precisely because she is a Nada. The only remedy that I know of is, low,(remember revenge) or no contact. They are loathsome, exhausting, tiresome people. Good Luck! Sunspot > ** > > > Hi Chris > > All I can hear are alarm bells! I totally understand. All I can say from > experience is try and establish some boundaries to protect your marriage. > My nada completely got her nails into my sisters marriage and her husband > couldn't take it after 10 years of abnormal behavior; manipulation, raging, > verbal abuse. Now he has moved on re-married and my sister is alone, > drinking heavily with my mum hanging out with her at every minute. > > I am definitely the stronger out of my sister and I but have succumb to > her BPD ways for the past 16 years of my marriage. I have been depressed, > unable to connect with my hubby and hated being intimate with him (sorry if > TMI). It has nearly broken us too. BUT we are educating ourselves and > setting boundaries. It's exhausting physically and emotionally and my hubby > and I actually are becoming closer as we build a wall around our family. > Our children have to be protected from her. Don't wait til the children > come along as emotionally I have found it heart wrenching !!' > > your wife chose you, not your nada. I know it's hard but take one > day at a time and dig deep, protect each other, communicate and draw > strength from each other. My sister is 42 and alone living a miserable > existence regretful she didn't do more to protect her marriage. I'm > regretful that I a haven't protected my hubby more and been loyal. To deter > her from raging I have actually given into her at the expense of my > marriage!! > > This is a new beginning for you as you marry. You deserve happiness as we > all do. > > Luckily I still have hope in my marriage to save us. Nada isn't going to > break us!!! > > Good luck to you and congrats! I'll look forward to reading your posts, > you can do it!! > > Mel > > I > > > > > > > > > Sorry it has been a long time since I have written or participated in > the group. I got engaged in September and we have set a date for November > 3rd of this year. Most of the wedding planning has gone well except for > some recent stress associated with my mother. I've been handling the > situation as well as I usually do, however it is my fiance that is having > the most difficulty. Currently I am the only one of the two of us that has > the arguments and the manipulations from " mommy dearest, " but I do share > what is going on with my fiance. It is difficult not to when she sees my > reaction to constant text messages being received and the phone calls. > > > My fiance has been dealing with her own stress with having difficulty > sleeping since the transition of moving in with me back in late October. > She starts to stress that she won't fall asleep, which will give her panic > attacks, and thus make sure she won't sleep. She admits that the lack of > sleep, have effected her ability to logically deal with stressors she would > normally dismiss. Bottom line, the added stress brought on by my mother's > interference has been only making matters worse. > > > The wedding drama that my mother has involved herself in has been very > petty issues, but has made it about her. For instance the first of which > involves the wedding website we have made. This website is already on " save > the dates " that have been sent out. My fiance is originates from a > different religion and most of her family is 6 hours away from us. She > herself has left the religion but knows that those on her side will be put > off that it is at a Catholic Church. My fiance had put on the website the > location and stated that it will be a ceremony without the mass and we > chose this to make everyone feel welcomed. My mother did not like this in > the slightest and was very offended that we put that on there because it is > that we are " catering to the Baptists. " As well we are having sending a few > invitations to a large family of at least 20 people and a few that wouldn't > support some decisions we made for the reception that would not be invited > to the reception. Again a few will get only a invite to the ceremony. We > announced this on the website and included that some of the reasons for > this were budgetary. My mother reacted by saying that it is in poor taste > to air our financial situation like that and is so so so embarrassed. > > > One last issue that she has taken up was that my mom and dad gave a > contribution for the photographer to help us out. This photographer is down > their way which is an hour and a half away from where I am. We did not stop > in when we had the booking meeting and she found out. She insists that I am > a hypocrite for my fiance putting on the website that I enjoy spending time > with family and feels that this should be taken off. Besides not wanting to > see her as I had enough of her at Christmas time, we found out at the > booking appointment that the photographer we wanted was about to not take > us as clients because of how much my mother went on the warpath against the > photographer for my sisters wedding, which was back in October. Our > photographer was the " second photographer " for my sisters wedding and heard > about it. My mother had written nasty emails to my sister's photographer > that had her in tears. So we were able to still secure the photographer we > wanted for the wedding after assuring her that we would be the only ones in > contact with her. My sister is not as strong willed with putting her foot > down with " mommy dearest " as I am. > > > As an outcome of what has gone on in the last month I have not spoken > to my mother in about a week. We have not altered anything on the website. > During the phone calls and text messages she raises her voice, calls me > selfish, a jerk, only thinking of myself, whipped by my fiance, and > actually screamed FU to me. > > > We are looking for guidance and suggestions for how to proceed and not > allow this to be a constant issue through the wedding. We have a lot of the > planning already done to try to avoid her demands. It is looking like even > so she will criticize what has already been decided and point out all > errors we encounter with her usual venom. I am used to it but my fiance is > not. Please offer suggestions or help where you can. Thank you! > > > > > > Chris > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 27, 2012 Report Share Posted January 27, 2012 Hi Chris Sorry I forgot to give you the name of the book that has given me that lightbulb moment - surviving a borderline parent; how to heal your childhood, wounds and build trust, boundaries, and self-esteem by Kimberley Roth and Freda Friedman. It's been a true source of guidance in situations similar to yours. Good luck Mel > > Sorry it has been a long time since I have written or participated in the group. I got engaged in September and we have set a date for November 3rd of this year. Most of the wedding planning has gone well except for some recent stress associated with my mother. I've been handling the situation as well as I usually do, however it is my fiance that is having the most difficulty. Currently I am the only one of the two of us that has the arguments and the manipulations from " mommy dearest, " but I do share what is going on with my fiance. It is difficult not to when she sees my reaction to constant text messages being received and the phone calls. > My fiance has been dealing with her own stress with having difficulty sleeping since the transition of moving in with me back in late October. She starts to stress that she won't fall asleep, which will give her panic attacks, and thus make sure she won't sleep. She admits that the lack of sleep, have effected her ability to logically deal with stressors she would normally dismiss. Bottom line, the added stress brought on by my mother's interference has been only making matters worse. > The wedding drama that my mother has involved herself in has been very petty issues, but has made it about her. For instance the first of which involves the wedding website we have made. This website is already on " save the dates " that have been sent out. My fiance is originates from a different religion and most of her family is 6 hours away from us. She herself has left the religion but knows that those on her side will be put off that it is at a Catholic Church. My fiance had put on the website the location and stated that it will be a ceremony without the mass and we chose this to make everyone feel welcomed. My mother did not like this in the slightest and was very offended that we put that on there because it is that we are " catering to the Baptists. " As well we are having sending a few invitations to a large family of at least 20 people and a few that wouldn't support some decisions we made for the reception that would not be invited to the reception. Again a few will get only a invite to the ceremony. We announced this on the website and included that some of the reasons for this were budgetary. My mother reacted by saying that it is in poor taste to air our financial situation like that and is so so so embarrassed. > One last issue that she has taken up was that my mom and dad gave a contribution for the photographer to help us out. This photographer is down their way which is an hour and a half away from where I am. We did not stop in when we had the booking meeting and she found out. She insists that I am a hypocrite for my fiance putting on the website that I enjoy spending time with family and feels that this should be taken off. Besides not wanting to see her as I had enough of her at Christmas time, we found out at the booking appointment that the photographer we wanted was about to not take us as clients because of how much my mother went on the warpath against the photographer for my sisters wedding, which was back in October. Our photographer was the " second photographer " for my sisters wedding and heard about it. My mother had written nasty emails to my sister's photographer that had her in tears. So we were able to still secure the photographer we wanted for the wedding after assuring her that we would be the only ones in contact with her. My sister is not as strong willed with putting her foot down with " mommy dearest " as I am. > As an outcome of what has gone on in the last month I have not spoken to my mother in about a week. We have not altered anything on the website. During the phone calls and text messages she raises her voice, calls me selfish, a jerk, only thinking of myself, whipped by my fiance, and actually screamed FU to me. > We are looking for guidance and suggestions for how to proceed and not allow this to be a constant issue through the wedding. We have a lot of the planning already done to try to avoid her demands. It is looking like even so she will criticize what has already been decided and point out all errors we encounter with her usual venom. I am used to it but my fiance is not. Please offer suggestions or help where you can. Thank you! > > Chris > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 28, 2012 Report Share Posted January 28, 2012 Hi When I got engaged I went through a very similar situation. My nada wanted to be completely involved but held things over my head to have my wedding the way she wanted it. She held my dress over my head and refused to pay for it unless I did things to her liking and not just wedding things, EVERYTHING. I remember dress shopping in early December and when we discussed holiday plans, she used paying for my dress as a weapon to get what she wanted. I knew it would only get worse so I cut her out of all wedding planning. I actually at the time was hitting a point where I wasn't even going to invite her to the wedding because I knew she would probably make a scene and make it all about her. My now husband and I had a low budget wedding but not having my nada have control of it made it completely worth it. In the 6 months that we planned out wedding I barely talked to nada and when I did it was not friendly. She did come to our wedding but only stayed for the ceremony. My husband and my wedding was amazing because it was OUR wedding, not nada's. My advice to you is to not let your mother have any control or say when it comes to your wedding. When you let her pay for things she will see that as having control or a say in how things should be. Do not involve her in the planning and when she feels the need to voice her opinion just say " Thanks, we'll think about it " . Good Luck and Congrats! > > Sorry it has been a long time since I have written or participated in the group. I got engaged in September and we have set a date for November 3rd of this year. Most of the wedding planning has gone well except for some recent stress associated with my mother. I've been handling the situation as well as I usually do, however it is my fiance that is having the most difficulty. Currently I am the only one of the two of us that has the arguments and the manipulations from " mommy dearest, " but I do share what is going on with my fiance. It is difficult not to when she sees my reaction to constant text messages being received and the phone calls. > My fiance has been dealing with her own stress with having difficulty sleeping since the transition of moving in with me back in late October. She starts to stress that she won't fall asleep, which will give her panic attacks, and thus make sure she won't sleep. She admits that the lack of sleep, have effected her ability to logically deal with stressors she would normally dismiss. Bottom line, the added stress brought on by my mother's interference has been only making matters worse. > The wedding drama that my mother has involved herself in has been very petty issues, but has made it about her. For instance the first of which involves the wedding website we have made. This website is already on " save the dates " that have been sent out. My fiance is originates from a different religion and most of her family is 6 hours away from us. She herself has left the religion but knows that those on her side will be put off that it is at a Catholic Church. My fiance had put on the website the location and stated that it will be a ceremony without the mass and we chose this to make everyone feel welcomed. My mother did not like this in the slightest and was very offended that we put that on there because it is that we are " catering to the Baptists. " As well we are having sending a few invitations to a large family of at least 20 people and a few that wouldn't support some decisions we made for the reception that would not be invited to the reception. Again a few will get only a invite to the ceremony. We announced this on the website and included that some of the reasons for this were budgetary. My mother reacted by saying that it is in poor taste to air our financial situation like that and is so so so embarrassed. > One last issue that she has taken up was that my mom and dad gave a contribution for the photographer to help us out. This photographer is down their way which is an hour and a half away from where I am. We did not stop in when we had the booking meeting and she found out. She insists that I am a hypocrite for my fiance putting on the website that I enjoy spending time with family and feels that this should be taken off. Besides not wanting to see her as I had enough of her at Christmas time, we found out at the booking appointment that the photographer we wanted was about to not take us as clients because of how much my mother went on the warpath against the photographer for my sisters wedding, which was back in October. Our photographer was the " second photographer " for my sisters wedding and heard about it. My mother had written nasty emails to my sister's photographer that had her in tears. So we were able to still secure the photographer we wanted for the wedding after assuring her that we would be the only ones in contact with her. My sister is not as strong willed with putting her foot down with " mommy dearest " as I am. > As an outcome of what has gone on in the last month I have not spoken to my mother in about a week. We have not altered anything on the website. During the phone calls and text messages she raises her voice, calls me selfish, a jerk, only thinking of myself, whipped by my fiance, and actually screamed FU to me. > We are looking for guidance and suggestions for how to proceed and not allow this to be a constant issue through the wedding. We have a lot of the planning already done to try to avoid her demands. It is looking like even so she will criticize what has already been decided and point out all errors we encounter with her usual venom. I am used to it but my fiance is not. Please offer suggestions or help where you can. Thank you! > > Chris > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 28, 2012 Report Share Posted January 28, 2012 sadly the likelihood of her stopping is slim. you need to decide what you want for the wedding and go for it. her opinion does not count. if you try to cater (which it sounds like you are not) it won't make her happy. my Nada is a monster to photographers too. she had her own beeping flashing camera and followed the poor guy around the entire day. she has no faith in their ability and thinks her 30$ is all that anyone needs because she is as talented as them. she even tried to pose us, and micromanaged our smiles how we were not " looking at each other lovingly enough " etc. the photographer was amazing to be so patient. I sympathise with all the website stuff my nada sees me as so so so embarrassing too for the stupidest things. I would recommend that you set a boundary on all of this. if it were me I would never talk about plans with her in any fashion. there is a system in SWOE called D.E.A.R. you can tell her in no uncertain terms that you will not discuss whatever it is you want to avoid. and you can have a declared boundary that if these things come up you will tell her that the conversation will be over. I am cell phone illiterate, but can you block all texts from her? I think you should it sounds like she has abused the privilege enough. your fiancee sounds like she needs a break too. good luck nadas and weddings do not mix. Meikjn > > Sorry it has been a long time since I have written or participated in the group. I got engaged in September and we have set a date for November 3rd of this year. Most of the wedding planning has gone well except for some recent stress associated with my mother. I've been handling the situation as well as I usually do, however it is my fiance that is having the most difficulty. Currently I am the only one of the two of us that has the arguments and the manipulations from " mommy dearest, " but I do share what is going on with my fiance. It is difficult not to when she sees my reaction to constant text messages being received and the phone calls. > My fiance has been dealing with her own stress with having difficulty sleeping since the transition of moving in with me back in late October. She starts to stress that she won't fall asleep, which will give her panic attacks, and thus make sure she won't sleep. She admits that the lack of sleep, have effected her ability to logically deal with stressors she would normally dismiss. Bottom line, the added stress brought on by my mother's interference has been only making matters worse. > The wedding drama that my mother has involved herself in has been very petty issues, but has made it about her. For instance the first of which involves the wedding website we have made. This website is already on " save the dates " that have been sent out. My fiance is originates from a different religion and most of her family is 6 hours away from us. She herself has left the religion but knows that those on her side will be put off that it is at a Catholic Church. My fiance had put on the website the location and stated that it will be a ceremony without the mass and we chose this to make everyone feel welcomed. My mother did not like this in the slightest and was very offended that we put that on there because it is that we are " catering to the Baptists. " As well we are having sending a few invitations to a large family of at least 20 people and a few that wouldn't support some decisions we made for the reception that would not be invited to the reception. Again a few will get only a invite to the ceremony. We announced this on the website and included that some of the reasons for this were budgetary. My mother reacted by saying that it is in poor taste to air our financial situation like that and is so so so embarrassed. > One last issue that she has taken up was that my mom and dad gave a contribution for the photographer to help us out. This photographer is down their way which is an hour and a half away from where I am. We did not stop in when we had the booking meeting and she found out. She insists that I am a hypocrite for my fiance putting on the website that I enjoy spending time with family and feels that this should be taken off. Besides not wanting to see her as I had enough of her at Christmas time, we found out at the booking appointment that the photographer we wanted was about to not take us as clients because of how much my mother went on the warpath against the photographer for my sisters wedding, which was back in October. Our photographer was the " second photographer " for my sisters wedding and heard about it. My mother had written nasty emails to my sister's photographer that had her in tears. So we were able to still secure the photographer we wanted for the wedding after assuring her that we would be the only ones in contact with her. My sister is not as strong willed with putting her foot down with " mommy dearest " as I am. > As an outcome of what has gone on in the last month I have not spoken to my mother in about a week. We have not altered anything on the website. During the phone calls and text messages she raises her voice, calls me selfish, a jerk, only thinking of myself, whipped by my fiance, and actually screamed FU to me. > We are looking for guidance and suggestions for how to proceed and not allow this to be a constant issue through the wedding. We have a lot of the planning already done to try to avoid her demands. It is looking like even so she will criticize what has already been decided and point out all errors we encounter with her usual venom. I am used to it but my fiance is not. Please offer suggestions or help where you can. Thank you! > > Chris > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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