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When nada visits, she hardly gives me an arrival date and NEVER commits to a

departure date/time. Am I the only one?

Cassie

Sent via DROID on Verizon Wireless

NADA? new to group

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Nope, mine does this too. My Dad's actually kind of given up on planning

anything as far as family vacations if she comes along. Usually because she

always drags her feet, makes up all these things she has to do before we can go

(of course at the last minute), or throws such humongous temper tantrums over

NOTHING that nobody feels like going afterward.

It's not that we don't want to include her, it just takes so much more EFFORT

than it's worth, it seems. It really and truly is like dealing with a rebellious

three-year-old.

>

> When nada visits, she hardly gives me an arrival date and NEVER commits to a

> departure date/time. Am I the only one?

>

> Cassie

> Sent via DROID on Verizon Wireless

>

> NADA? new to group

>

>

>

>

>

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Yes, I can relate to the last minute have-to's. Funny how those urgent items

were not as important to attend to the previous weeks leading up to the trip.Â

Â

We went to church every Sunday. It started at the same time every week. I

have zero memories of ever making it on time. My mom just couldn't get

everything SHE needed to get done in time to get there. But could we go ahead

and go, leaving her to drive her own car? Of course not.

Â

I didn't even realize it at the time...I thought that's how some people just

" were " . And it is, if they're BPD narcissists!

Â

Cassie

Â

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tuesday, July 12, 2011 5:53 PM

Subject: Re: NADA? new to group

Â

Nope, mine does this too. My Dad's actually kind of given up on planning

anything as far as family vacations if she comes along. Usually because she

always drags her feet, makes up all these things she has to do before we can go

(of course at the last minute), or throws such humongous temper tantrums over

NOTHING that nobody feels like going afterward.

It's not that we don't want to include her, it just takes so much more EFFORT

than it's worth, it seems. It really and truly is like dealing with a rebellious

three-year-old.

>

> When nada visits, she hardly gives me an arrival date and NEVER commits to a

> departure date/time. Am I the only one?

>

> Cassie

> Sent via DROID on Verizon Wireless

>

> NADA? new to group

>

>

>

>

>

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My nada has always been controlling about time issues. When she told us to do

something we had to comply instantly. If there was an event or visit she wanted

to attend, or an appointment for her benefit, we had to be ready to go on the

dot. If it was something for another person's benefit, she'd dawdle getting

ready and make us late. I got to a point that I'd lie to her about when she

needed to be ready to leave so she could dawdle and we'd still get there on

time. She hates waiting in line, gets impatient and wants to leave even if there

are only a couple of people ahead of us. She went ballistic on Sister, just had

a melt-down one time when Sister was a few minutes late picking her up for an

appointment.

So, I don't know what it is about bpd/npd and controlling time. Maybe it just

boils down to a control issue, period. Nada must be in control of everything at

all times. Who knows?

-Annie

> >

> > When nada visits, she hardly gives me an arrival date and NEVER commits to a

> > departure date/time. Am I the only one?

> >

> > Cassie

> > Sent via DROID on Verizon Wireless

> >

> > NADA? new to group

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

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I remember when I was in high school and working at the local grocery store I

used to have to tell her to come pick me up at work 2 hours early just so that

she *might* be there on time! I got sick of my coworkers giving me weird looks

when they saw me still hanging around the store long after I got off.

Oh, and how far away did we live from the store? About 3 miles. Ugh.

Definitely a control issue, at least for my nada. Sometimes she would use

picking me up late or dropping me off late as " punishment. " Because trying to

get your child fired from their job over minor arguments is definitely

appropriate discipline. (sarcasm)

Maybe she was just reacting to abandonment fears triggered by my having a job in

the first place and therefore becoming more independent of her....

Subject: Re: NADA? new to group

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Tuesday, July 12, 2011, 4:29 PM

Â

My nada has always been controlling about time issues. When she told us

to do something we had to comply instantly. If there was an event or visit she

wanted to attend, or an appointment for her benefit, we had to be ready to go on

the dot. If it was something for another person's benefit, she'd dawdle getting

ready and make us late. I got to a point that I'd lie to her about when she

needed to be ready to leave so she could dawdle and we'd still get there on

time. She hates waiting in line, gets impatient and wants to leave even if there

are only a couple of people ahead of us. She went ballistic on Sister, just had

a melt-down one time when Sister was a few minutes late picking her up for an

appointment.

So, I don't know what it is about bpd/npd and controlling time. Maybe it just

boils down to a control issue, period. Nada must be in control of everything at

all times. Who knows?

-Annie

> >

> > When nada visits, she hardly gives me an arrival date and NEVER commits to a

> > departure date/time. Am I the only one?

> >

> > Cassie

> > Sent via DROID on Verizon Wireless

> >

> > NADA? new to group

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

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When I was in high school, I was in band and choir. We would have concerts

several times during the year, usually in the evening. The band and choir

rooms were all the way to the back of the school...I had to walk down a long

hallway, through the cafeteria, up the stairs, and across a big foyer to get to

the front doors. My stepmom always accused me of deliberately being the last

one out of the building, making her wait. I wasn't the last one out of the

building, but she didn't seem to care. I was a senior in college before I was

allowed to drive on my own, and then, only to school if I had to be there early

for marching band practice, or had to work after school. I am still trying to

figure out what I did to deserve her scorn and hate. She didn't even know me

until she married my dad.Â

Janet

 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own

understanding.

 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

 It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

Proverbs 3:5-8

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tuesday, July 12, 2011 6:40 PM

Subject: Re: Re: NADA? new to group

Â

I remember when I was in high school and working at the local grocery store I

used to have to tell her to come pick me up at work 2 hours early just so that

she *might* be there on time! I got sick of my coworkers giving me weird looks

when they saw me still hanging around the store long after I got off.

Oh, and how far away did we live from the store? About 3 miles. Ugh.

Definitely a control issue, at least for my nada. Sometimes she would use

picking me up late or dropping me off late as " punishment. " Because trying to

get your child fired from their job over minor arguments is definitely

appropriate discipline. (sarcasm)

Maybe she was just reacting to abandonment fears triggered by my having a job in

the first place and therefore becoming more independent of her....

Subject: Re: NADA? new to group

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Tuesday, July 12, 2011, 4:29 PM

Â

My nada has always been controlling about time issues. When she told us to do

something we had to comply instantly. If there was an event or visit she wanted

to attend, or an appointment for her benefit, we had to be ready to go on the

dot. If it was something for another person's benefit, she'd dawdle getting

ready and make us late. I got to a point that I'd lie to her about when she

needed to be ready to leave so she could dawdle and we'd still get there on

time. She hates waiting in line, gets impatient and wants to leave even if there

are only a couple of people ahead of us. She went ballistic on Sister, just had

a melt-down one time when Sister was a few minutes late picking her up for an

appointment.

So, I don't know what it is about bpd/npd and controlling time. Maybe it just

boils down to a control issue, period. Nada must be in control of everything at

all times. Who knows?

-Annie

> >

> > When nada visits, she hardly gives me an arrival date and NEVER commits to a

> > departure date/time. Am I the only one?

> >

> > Cassie

> > Sent via DROID on Verizon Wireless

> >

> > NADA? new to group

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

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wow, the parallels never cease.Â

Â

i worked SO hard to learn to drive by the time i was 16 so once my birthday

arrived, we could go get my license!Â

Â

when did i get my license? age 17. that's when she got around to taking me

to the DMV. at the time, i lived in another state with her and had no other

relatives nearby so i had to wait for her to be " ready " .Â

Â

Cassie

Â

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tuesday, July 12, 2011 6:40 PM

Subject: Re: Re: NADA? new to group

Â

I remember when I was in high school and working at the local grocery store I

used to have to tell her to come pick me up at work 2 hours early just so that

she *might* be there on time! I got sick of my coworkers giving me weird looks

when they saw me still hanging around the store long after I got off.

Oh, and how far away did we live from the store? About 3 miles. Ugh.

Definitely a control issue, at least for my nada. Sometimes she would use

picking me up late or dropping me off late as " punishment. " Because trying to

get your child fired from their job over minor arguments is definitely

appropriate discipline. (sarcasm)

Maybe she was just reacting to abandonment fears triggered by my having a job in

the first place and therefore becoming more independent of her....

Subject: Re: NADA? new to group

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Tuesday, July 12, 2011, 4:29 PM

Â

My nada has always been controlling about time issues. When she told us to do

something we had to comply instantly. If there was an event or visit she wanted

to attend, or an appointment for her benefit, we had to be ready to go on the

dot. If it was something for another person's benefit, she'd dawdle getting

ready and make us late. I got to a point that I'd lie to her about when she

needed to be ready to leave so she could dawdle and we'd still get there on

time. She hates waiting in line, gets impatient and wants to leave even if there

are only a couple of people ahead of us. She went ballistic on Sister, just had

a melt-down one time when Sister was a few minutes late picking her up for an

appointment.

So, I don't know what it is about bpd/npd and controlling time. Maybe it just

boils down to a control issue, period. Nada must be in control of everything at

all times. Who knows?

-Annie

> >

> > When nada visits, she hardly gives me an arrival date and NEVER commits to a

> > departure date/time. Am I the only one?

> >

> > Cassie

> > Sent via DROID on Verizon Wireless

> >

> > NADA? new to group

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

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So ironic. I was 17 as well. They would never let me drive....nothing but

control. When I did start driving I couldn't have a good time b/c they blew my

phone up the whole tome. I couldn't ignore their calls, they would start calling

my friends' parents and embarrass the crap out of me.

> wow, the parallels never cease.

>

> i worked SO hard to learn to drive by the time i was 16 so once my birthday

arrived, we could go get my license!

>

> when did i get my license? age 17. that's when she got around to taking me

to the DMV. at the time, i lived in another state with her and had no other

relatives nearby so i had to wait for her to be " ready " .

>

>

> Cassie

>

>

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Tuesday, July 12, 2011 6:40 PM

> Subject: Re: Re: NADA? new to group

>

>

> I remember when I was in high school and working at the local grocery store I

used to have to tell her to come pick me up at work 2 hours early just so that

she *might* be there on time! I got sick of my coworkers giving me weird looks

when they saw me still hanging around the store long after I got off.

>

> Oh, and how far away did we live from the store? About 3 miles. Ugh.

>

> Definitely a control issue, at least for my nada. Sometimes she would use

picking me up late or dropping me off late as " punishment. " Because trying to

get your child fired from their job over minor arguments is definitely

appropriate discipline. (sarcasm)

>

> Maybe she was just reacting to abandonment fears triggered by my having a job

in the first place and therefore becoming more independent of her....

>

>

>

>

> Subject: Re: NADA? new to group

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Date: Tuesday, July 12, 2011, 4:29 PM

>

>

>

> My nada has always been controlling about time issues. When she told us to do

something we had to comply instantly. If there was an event or visit she wanted

to attend, or an appointment for her benefit, we had to be ready to go on the

dot. If it was something for another person's benefit, she'd dawdle getting

ready and make us late. I got to a point that I'd lie to her about when she

needed to be ready to leave so she could dawdle and we'd still get there on

time. She hates waiting in line, gets impatient and wants to leave even if there

are only a couple of people ahead of us. She went ballistic on Sister, just had

a melt-down one time when Sister was a few minutes late picking her up for an

appointment.

>

> So, I don't know what it is about bpd/npd and controlling time. Maybe it just

boils down to a control issue, period. Nada must be in control of everything at

all times. Who knows?

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

> > >

>

> > > When nada visits, she hardly gives me an arrival date and NEVER commits to

a

>

> > > departure date/time. Am I the only one?

>

> > >

>

> > > Cassie

>

> > > Sent via DROID on Verizon Wireless

>

> > >

>

> > > NADA? new to group

>

> > >

>

> > >

>

> > >

>

> > >

>

> > >

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You just triggered a memory for me talking about HS Choir. I too was in Choir in

HS. My nada missed all my performances and then claimed I never told her about

them. She would put on a show in front of everyone saying Oh Stacey is so shy

about her singing she won’t tell us when she performs. My dad would never say

anything. To this day she sticks to that story…funny they dropped me off and

picked me up from those performances. Things that make you go hmmm

My mom was complaining before we went NC that she didn’t know me, she wanted

to get to know the preteen Stacey, the teen Stacey and the Adult Stacey…I just

said well you should have paid attention I guess. (and Thank Goodness she had

nothing to do with how I turned out…I was determined I would be the opposite

of them!)

~~Velvet_Tears74~~

Whatever it takes.....

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Janet

Sent: Tuesday, July 12, 2011 6:52 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: Re: NADA? new to group

When I was in high school, I was in band and choir. We would have concerts

several times during the year, usually in the evening. The band and choir rooms

were all the way to the back of the school...I had to walk down a long hallway,

through the cafeteria, up the stairs, and across a big foyer to get to the front

doors. My stepmom always accused me of deliberately being the last one out of

the building, making her wait. I wasn't the last one out of the building, but

she didn't seem to care. I was a senior in college before I was allowed to

drive on my own, and then, only to school if I had to be there early for

marching band practice, or had to work after school. I am still trying to

figure out what I did to deserve her scorn and hate. She didn't even know me

until she married my dad.

Janet

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own

understanding.

In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

Proverbs 3:5-8

From: G <agranger16@... <mailto:agranger16%40yahoo.com> >

To: WTOAdultChildren1

<mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

Sent: Tuesday, July 12, 2011 6:40 PM

Subject: Re: Re: NADA? new to group

I remember when I was in high school and working at the local grocery store I

used to have to tell her to come pick me up at work 2 hours early just so that

she *might* be there on time! I got sick of my coworkers giving me weird looks

when they saw me still hanging around the store long after I got off.

Oh, and how far away did we live from the store? About 3 miles. Ugh.

Definitely a control issue, at least for my nada. Sometimes she would use

picking me up late or dropping me off late as " punishment. " Because trying to

get your child fired from their job over minor arguments is definitely

appropriate discipline. (sarcasm)

Maybe she was just reacting to abandonment fears triggered by my having a job in

the first place and therefore becoming more independent of her....

From: anuria67854 <anuria-67854@... <mailto:anuria-67854%40mypacks.net>

>

Subject: Re: NADA? new to group

To: WTOAdultChildren1

<mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

Date: Tuesday, July 12, 2011, 4:29 PM

My nada has always been controlling about time issues. When she told us to do

something we had to comply instantly. If there was an event or visit she wanted

to attend, or an appointment for her benefit, we had to be ready to go on the

dot. If it was something for another person's benefit, she'd dawdle getting

ready and make us late. I got to a point that I'd lie to her about when she

needed to be ready to leave so she could dawdle and we'd still get there on

time. She hates waiting in line, gets impatient and wants to leave even if there

are only a couple of people ahead of us. She went ballistic on Sister, just had

a melt-down one time when Sister was a few minutes late picking her up for an

appointment.

So, I don't know what it is about bpd/npd and controlling time. Maybe it just

boils down to a control issue, period. Nada must be in control of everything at

all times. Who knows?

-Annie

> >

> > When nada visits, she hardly gives me an arrival date and NEVER commits to a

> > departure date/time. Am I the only one?

> >

> > Cassie

> > Sent via DROID on Verizon Wireless

> >

> > NADA? new to group

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

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some of the things i have learned to say when my nada is trying to control me

are:

" you might be right " (ha - then i think silently : " but you're not " )

" i never thought of it that way " (because i'm not a wingnut like you)

" that's an interesting perspective " (interesting to you, maybe)

and

" i will think that over "

all ways to appease her without really saying anything. works like a charm.

one thing i chant to myself silently when she's going off is " it's not about

me " , and i repeat this as many times as necessary in my head until i'm away from

her.

good luck and keep us posted!

charlotte

>

> Hello everyone, I am new to this group. At 47 yo, I have just " discovered " BP

and think my mother fits the bill to a T. She is currently staying with me :(

so I am laying low. When the smoke clears (hopefully only a few more days) I

will try to decide where to go from here as far as future contacts with her.

Have a therapist who tells me not to challenge or make any waves with her. I am

very very tired of being picked at, given the silent treatment and all the rest

of the hysterics -- not in favor of therapist view right now. I dont have to say

anything or challenge to get the treatment. Is there any constructive way to

head off/deal with/answer all the digs, personal questions, ridiculous

behavior...

>

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Can I borrow those for my Tuesday Group? Lol

~~Velvet_Tears74~~

Whatever it takes.....

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of retrofitresale

Sent: Wednesday, July 13, 2011 1:16 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: NADA? new to group

some of the things i have learned to say when my nada is trying to control

me are:

" you might be right " (ha - then i think silently : " but you're not " )

" i never thought of it that way " (because i'm not a wingnut like you)

" that's an interesting perspective " (interesting to you, maybe)

and

" i will think that over "

all ways to appease her without really saying anything. works like a charm.

one thing i chant to myself silently when she's going off is " it's not about

me " , and i repeat this as many times as necessary in my head until i'm away

from her.

good luck and keep us posted!

charlotte

>

> Hello everyone, I am new to this group. At 47 yo, I have just " discovered "

BP and think my mother fits the bill to a T. She is currently staying with

me :( so I am laying low. When the smoke clears (hopefully only a few more

days) I will try to decide where to go from here as far as future contacts

with her. Have a therapist who tells me not to challenge or make any waves

with her. I am very very tired of being picked at, given the silent

treatment and all the rest of the hysterics -- not in favor of therapist

view right now. I dont have to say anything or challenge to get the

treatment. Is there any constructive way to head off/deal with/answer all

the digs, personal questions, ridiculous behavior...

>

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I like those a lot! They sound plausibly acknowledging (of her point of view)

and yet are entirely non-committal!

-Annie

> >

> > Hello everyone, I am new to this group. At 47 yo, I have just " discovered "

BP and think my mother fits the bill to a T. She is currently staying with me

:( so I am laying low. When the smoke clears (hopefully only a few more days) I

will try to decide where to go from here as far as future contacts with her.

Have a therapist who tells me not to challenge or make any waves with her. I am

very very tired of being picked at, given the silent treatment and all the rest

of the hysterics -- not in favor of therapist view right now. I dont have to say

anything or challenge to get the treatment. Is there any constructive way to

head off/deal with/answer all the digs, personal questions, ridiculous

behavior...

> >

>

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Hi burntcoffee2,

I am new to this group as well,am 52, and also just discovering BP and that I

have a nada. Pretty sure one of my sisters is as well. Anyway, I can relate to

your situation as I do not have to " do " anything to bring on criticizm or

judgements from my nada and have mostly not said anything back to her in the

past. Not because I was doing anything therapeutic, but because I was bewildered

and in shock and hurt and confused and didn't know what to say or do. Now with

having read some of " stop walking on eggshells " book, and recently had my nada

with me for two days, I can tell you I decided to mostly listen (not initiating

much because I never know what she'll pick at,etc.) to her and when she has

picked or outright insulted or criticized me, mine or anyone I have tried to " be

the mirror " not the " sponge " as the book suggests and acknowledged her feelings,

but not agreed with them. I also find it helps a lot if I validate her with

praise for positive things she has done, she seems to need more praise about

daily things than I would expect and I try to do this and stay real at the same

time. My dad died recently and I feel he stabalized her much more than I ever

knew. I think she is worse now than I have ever seen, hence my discovery of BP.

I hope I have helped you. You are not alone.

>

> Hello everyone, I am new to this group. At 47 yo, I have just " discovered " BP

and think my mother fits the bill to a T. She is currently staying with me :(

so I am laying low. When the smoke clears (hopefully only a few more days) I

will try to decide where to go from here as far as future contacts with her.

Have a therapist who tells me not to challenge or make any waves with her. I am

very very tired of being picked at, given the silent treatment and all the rest

of the hysterics -- not in favor of therapist view right now. I dont have to say

anything or challenge to get the treatment. Is there any constructive way to

head off/deal with/answer all the digs, personal questions, ridiculous

behavior...

>

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Oh jeez, mine too! Exactly the same thing! I have distinct memories of the

entire family (including four kids) waiting in the car in the driveway while she

was in the house doing something or other. Then she'd come out to the car and

start blaming other people ( " if I didn't have to clean up the breakfast dishes I

could be on time " , " if you had put the iron away I wouldn't have had to " ) and,

of course, we'd be late. You know, it never even occurred to me until just now

that she could have simply driven a second car.

> >

> > When nada visits, she hardly gives me an arrival date and NEVER commits to a

> > departure date/time. Am I the only one?

> >

> > Cassie

> > Sent via DROID on Verizon Wireless

> >

> > NADA? new to group

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

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Guest guest

Yes, same here. she just shows up whenever she wants, rings the bell and expects

me to be there, and if I'm not (I pretend I'm not) , she will say I did it on

purpose, which I deny. Yes, she HATES planning any vacations and setting

departure and arrival dates and times - she ALWAYS leaves things open.

N

> Nope, mine does this too. My Dad's actually kind of given up on planning

anything as far as family vacations if she comes along. Usually because she

always drags her feet, makes up all these things she has to do before we can go

(of course at the last minute), or throws such humongous temper tantrums over

NOTHING that nobody feels like going afterward.

>

> It's not that we don't want to include her, it just takes so much more EFFORT

than it's worth, it seems. It really and truly is like dealing with a rebellious

three-year-old.

>

>

> >

> > When nada visits, she hardly gives me an arrival date and NEVER commits to a

> > departure date/time. Am I the only one?

> >

> > Cassie

> > Sent via DROID on Verizon Wireless

> >

> > NADA? new to group

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

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Wow ditto that - everything - late for church, weird rules about driving,

making up lies when caught not caring about knowing your kid, saying you

want to know your kid later after you missed it, sitting in the driveway

everyone in the care but nada, refusal to do drivers ed practice hours with

you, setting you up to get fired over things like transportation and ruining

every vacation.

Definitly a handbook is circulating somewhere!!!

> **

>

>

>

> Hi burntcoffee2,

> I am new to this group as well,am 52, and also just discovering BP and that

> I have a nada. Pretty sure one of my sisters is as well. Anyway, I can

> relate to your situation as I do not have to " do " anything to bring on

> criticizm or judgements from my nada and have mostly not said anything back

> to her in the past. Not because I was doing anything therapeutic, but

> because I was bewildered and in shock and hurt and confused and didn't know

> what to say or do. Now with having read some of " stop walking on eggshells "

> book, and recently had my nada with me for two days, I can tell you I

> decided to mostly listen (not initiating much because I never know what

> she'll pick at,etc.) to her and when she has picked or outright insulted or

> criticized me, mine or anyone I have tried to " be the mirror " not the

> " sponge " as the book suggests and acknowledged her feelings, but not agreed

> with them. I also find it helps a lot if I validate her with praise for

> positive things she has done, she seems to need more praise about daily

> things than I would expect and I try to do this and stay real at the same

> time. My dad died recently and I feel he stabalized her much more than I

> ever knewur. I think she is worse now than I have ever seen, hence my

> discovery of BP. I hope I have helped you. You are not alone.

>

>

>

> >

> > Hello everyone, I am new to this group. At 47 yo, I have just

> " discovered " BP and think my mother fits the bill to a T. She is currently

> staying with me :( so I am laying low. When the smoke clears (hopefully only

> a few more days) I will try to decide where to go from here as far as future

> contacts with her. Have a therapist who tells me not to challenge or make

> any waves with her. I am very very tired of being picked at, given the

> silent treatment and all the rest of the hysterics -- not in favor of

> therapist view right now. I dont have to say anything or challenge to get

> the treatment. Is there any constructive way to head off/deal with/answer

> all the digs, personal questions, ridiculous behavior...

> >

>

>

>

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