Guest guest Posted July 12, 2011 Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 I want to thank you all for the support and validation you've given me in regards to my nada constantly bringing up how I had a tantrum at the circus when I was four years old, and also all the replies and thoughts about an entire personality-disordered family. I read the Wikipedia article on the dysfunctional family and, wow, it was right on. I am, at a much older age than most of you, the only child of a borderline/borderlines. Much older. I'm 61. (I actually can't believe it - I feel SO much younger inside). Oh, how I wish, when I was in therapy in the 80s and 90s, that being a child of a borderline would have been recognized and treated. Sadly, it wasn't. I was diagnosed with BPD, even though the only symptoms I had were an eating disorder, depression, and a pattern of entering into unstable relationships. I was placed in a day center for borderlines, and I watched what was going on around me, all the manipulating and the lying and the screaming fights and the self-mutilation and the attention-seeking, and how people would totally freak out if their counselor went on vacation, and I just felt so lost and scared because they reminded me of what I'd grown up with. And, although I did learn a lot in that day center, there were many aspects to the treatment that hurt me more than helped me, and made me feel worse about myself than I already did. I stopped therapy in the '90s, when my counselor refused to change my diagnosis to depression and PTSD, rather than borderline, and kept treating me as if I were a borderline. Being treated by a therapist as a borderline is not a pleasant thing. About a year later, I was so depressed I checked myself into the hospital, and they gave me a battery of psych tests, and my diagnosis was major depression and PTSD. No borderline anywhere. I chose not to return to therapy, as I felt that I knew where my problems stemmed from, but now I believe I made a mistake by not returning. Anyway, as a 61-year-old child of a borderline/borderlines, and growing up surrounded by severely personality-disordered people, and not knowing the child-of-a-borderline syndrome existed until about a year ago, when I discovered this group, I have not done well in this lifetime. I was a child prodigy (musical) but now I can't even listen to music, let alone perform it or compose it. I live alone, have never been married, as the men I've chosen have turned out to be substance abusers and have had BPD or NPD or both. The one time I did enter a relationship with a man who was none of these things, who was truly wonderful to be around, well, two years into the relationship I found out he was married and his wife and him had an agreement that they could play around. (He had introduced his wife to me as his sister and we would even all hang around together. They were VERY good at keeping secrets). This was five years ago, and it was the last relationship I ever had. I have trouble standing up for myself. When I try to express anger, I feel sick inside, and it seems to me that the outcome is always bad. I am depressed 100 percent of the time. I'm a serious underachiever. My financial situation is dire. I go without seeing another human being for weeks at a time. I have nightmares about my parents every single night. I yearn for a family, but don't have one. I yearn for my only cousin to love me, but he believed my nada when she said I was a drug addict, psychopath and pathological liar. I have tried to create my own family, but it hasn't worked. I do have friends, but only one lives close to me, and he has Asperger's and is pretty much impossible to have a conversation with. My other two close friends in the area (I live in Virginia) moved to Australia last year. Another friend lives 60 miles away, so we rarely see each other, and the rest of my friends live in California. I'm afraid to meet new people because I don't want to feel love any more. Love leads to pain for me, as does hope. I have become numb, except when I'm asleep and have nightmares. I am so happy that you younger people who have suffered growing up with a borderline can know what it is you're dealing with and take the proper steps to defend and heal yourselves. I am currently waiting for government assistance so I can get into therapy, just in case there's some hope for me to rebuild some sort of a life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2011 Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 Judy, I can feel your saddness, pain and desperation. I sense your hopelessness and isolation. I want to tell you that all is not lost. You are important and make a differnce in your friend's lives. You deserve happiness. Now I know books are not always the answer, and you have probably read many, but I again would urge you to borrow from the library a copy of Dr. Black's book " Changing Course - Healing from Loss, Abandonment, and Fear " . It can only help. It is a user friendly, hands-on, practical personal therapy you can go through yourself. You would just need to have one of your Virgiania or Austrailian friends agree to be your sounding board and let them know you are reading the book so you could share about the process with them. It was hard to read at times, but in the process I was able to identify significant losses I had expereinced that no one else identified and literally mothered myself as that four or five year old child who no one met her needs. It made a big difference in helping me set personal boundries, respecting myself and asserting myself in a positive,healthy way. My kids really noticed a positive change in me, and more importantly I did. And it was good role modeling for them. My personal growth and change in behaviors caused disharmony in my family of origin, because I was not longer playing my usual role for them. But that was healthy for me, and I feel it would be for you. And you are not too old, I myself am 52 - it is only a number - it is not too late for you. I send you positive energy and hope. > > I want to thank you all for the support and validation you've given me in > regards to my nada constantly bringing up how I had a tantrum at the circus > when I was four years old, and also all the replies and thoughts about an > entire personality-disordered family. I read the Wikipedia article on the > dysfunctional family and, wow, it was right on. > I am, at a much older age than most of you, the only child of a > borderline/borderlines. Much older. I'm 61. (I actually can't believe it - I > feel SO much younger inside). Oh, how I wish, when I was in therapy in the > 80s and 90s, that being a child of a borderline would have been recognized > and treated. Sadly, it wasn't. I was diagnosed with BPD, even though the > only symptoms I had were an eating disorder, depression, and a pattern of > entering into unstable relationships. I was placed in a day center for > borderlines, and I watched what was going on around me, all the manipulating > and the lying and the screaming fights and the self-mutilation and the > attention-seeking, and how people would totally freak out if their counselor > went on vacation, and I just felt so lost and scared because they reminded > me of what I'd grown up with. And, although I did learn a lot in that day > center, there were many aspects to the treatment that hurt me more than > helped me, and made me feel worse about myself than I already did. > I stopped therapy in the '90s, when my counselor refused to change my > diagnosis to depression and PTSD, rather than borderline, and kept treating > me as if I were a borderline. Being treated by a therapist as a borderline > is not a pleasant thing. About a year later, I was so depressed I checked > myself into the hospital, and they gave me a battery of psych tests, and my > diagnosis was major depression and PTSD. No borderline anywhere. I chose not > to return to therapy, as I felt that I knew where my problems stemmed from, > but now I believe I made a mistake by not returning. > Anyway, as a 61-year-old child of a borderline/borderlines, and growing up > surrounded by severely personality-disordered people, and not knowing the > child-of-a-borderline syndrome existed until about a year ago, when I > discovered this group, I have not done well in this lifetime. I was a child > prodigy (musical) but now I can't even listen to music, let alone perform it > or compose it. I live alone, have never been married, as the men I've chosen > have turned out to be substance abusers and have had BPD or NPD or both. The > one time I did enter a relationship with a man who was none of these things, > who was truly wonderful to be around, well, two years into the relationship > I found out he was married and his wife and him had an agreement that they > could play around. (He had introduced his wife to me as his sister and we > would even all hang around together. They were VERY good at keeping > secrets). This was five years ago, and it was the last relationship I ever > had. > I have trouble standing up for myself. When I try to express anger, I feel > sick inside, and it seems to me that the outcome is always bad. I am > depressed 100 percent of the time. I'm a serious underachiever. My financial > situation is dire. I go without seeing another human being for weeks at a > time. I have nightmares about my parents every single night. I yearn for a > family, but don't have one. I yearn for my only cousin to love me, but he > believed my nada when she said I was a drug addict, psychopath and > pathological liar. I have tried to create my own family, but it hasn't > worked. I do have friends, but only one lives close to me, and he has > Asperger's and is pretty much impossible to have a conversation with. My > other two close friends in the area (I live in Virginia) moved to Australia > last year. Another friend lives 60 miles away, so we rarely see each other, > and the rest of my friends live in California. I'm afraid to meet new people > because I don't want to feel love any more. Love leads to pain for me, as > does hope. I have become numb, except when I'm asleep and have nightmares. > I am so happy that you younger people who have suffered growing up with a > borderline can know what it is you're dealing with and take the proper steps > to defend and heal yourselves. I am currently waiting for government > assistance so I can get into therapy, just in case there's some hope for me > to rebuild some sort of a life. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2011 Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 (((((Judy))))) I'm an older KO too; sometimes it is hard to not fall into despair. It helps me is to realize that life is short, and we have all too few years to fill with joyful things while we are still able " to enjoy our portion of health " , as my grandpa used to put it. That helps motivate me to appreciate what I do have: the ability to walk, so I can go outside when I want to and stroll around my neighborhood, the ability to see and hear. I can drive, I can contact a friend and see if she or he wants to go have lunch or see a movie with me. I try to concentrate on what I do have instead of what I don't have. Maybe that will help you too. Falling into despair and hopelessness scares me; its like an enemy you have to actively fight. So I hope you can find ways to climb out of despair, that will work for you. -Annie > > I want to thank you all for the support and validation you've given me in > regards to my nada constantly bringing up how I had a tantrum at the circus > when I was four years old, and also all the replies and thoughts about an > entire personality-disordered family. I read the Wikipedia article on the > dysfunctional family and, wow, it was right on. > I am, at a much older age than most of you, the only child of a > borderline/borderlines. Much older. I'm 61. (I actually can't believe it - I > feel SO much younger inside). Oh, how I wish, when I was in therapy in the > 80s and 90s, that being a child of a borderline would have been recognized > and treated. Sadly, it wasn't. I was diagnosed with BPD, even though the > only symptoms I had were an eating disorder, depression, and a pattern of > entering into unstable relationships. I was placed in a day center for > borderlines, and I watched what was going on around me, all the manipulating > and the lying and the screaming fights and the self-mutilation and the > attention-seeking, and how people would totally freak out if their counselor > went on vacation, and I just felt so lost and scared because they reminded > me of what I'd grown up with. And, although I did learn a lot in that day > center, there were many aspects to the treatment that hurt me more than > helped me, and made me feel worse about myself than I already did. > I stopped therapy in the '90s, when my counselor refused to change my > diagnosis to depression and PTSD, rather than borderline, and kept treating > me as if I were a borderline. Being treated by a therapist as a borderline > is not a pleasant thing. About a year later, I was so depressed I checked > myself into the hospital, and they gave me a battery of psych tests, and my > diagnosis was major depression and PTSD. No borderline anywhere. I chose not > to return to therapy, as I felt that I knew where my problems stemmed from, > but now I believe I made a mistake by not returning. > Anyway, as a 61-year-old child of a borderline/borderlines, and growing up > surrounded by severely personality-disordered people, and not knowing the > child-of-a-borderline syndrome existed until about a year ago, when I > discovered this group, I have not done well in this lifetime. I was a child > prodigy (musical) but now I can't even listen to music, let alone perform it > or compose it. I live alone, have never been married, as the men I've chosen > have turned out to be substance abusers and have had BPD or NPD or both. The > one time I did enter a relationship with a man who was none of these things, > who was truly wonderful to be around, well, two years into the relationship > I found out he was married and his wife and him had an agreement that they > could play around. (He had introduced his wife to me as his sister and we > would even all hang around together. They were VERY good at keeping > secrets). This was five years ago, and it was the last relationship I ever > had. > I have trouble standing up for myself. When I try to express anger, I feel > sick inside, and it seems to me that the outcome is always bad. I am > depressed 100 percent of the time. I'm a serious underachiever. My financial > situation is dire. I go without seeing another human being for weeks at a > time. I have nightmares about my parents every single night. I yearn for a > family, but don't have one. I yearn for my only cousin to love me, but he > believed my nada when she said I was a drug addict, psychopath and > pathological liar. I have tried to create my own family, but it hasn't > worked. I do have friends, but only one lives close to me, and he has > Asperger's and is pretty much impossible to have a conversation with. My > other two close friends in the area (I live in Virginia) moved to Australia > last year. Another friend lives 60 miles away, so we rarely see each other, > and the rest of my friends live in California. I'm afraid to meet new people > because I don't want to feel love any more. Love leads to pain for me, as > does hope. I have become numb, except when I'm asleep and have nightmares. > I am so happy that you younger people who have suffered growing up with a > borderline can know what it is you're dealing with and take the proper steps > to defend and heal yourselves. I am currently waiting for government > assistance so I can get into therapy, just in case there's some hope for me > to rebuild some sort of a life. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2011 Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 Thanks Judy for expressing all that. I hope that this group is a place where you can express and process as much as you need to process, it is the most validating experience I have had in almost 2 decades of 12 step and therapy and group therapy and self help books, etc. I identified with so much of your post. I haven't had anyone in my life in 10 years because I attract batterers and I don't want that kind of drama in my life, and I don't know how to 'get' the normal people. I feel like I have huge 'blanks' where something I should have had is missing, but I don't know exactly what, or what to do to fix it. I can't even conceive of what 'healthy' should be sometimes. The most amazing thing about this group is how much it helps us when people share their pain and fears. It gives us a chance to feel useful by being supportive and validating, and it validates us in a way that I have not found anywhere else. > > I want to thank you all for the support and validation you've given me in > regards to my nada constantly bringing up how I had a tantrum at the circus > when I was four years old, and also all the replies and thoughts about an > entire personality-disordered family. I read the Wikipedia article on the > dysfunctional family and, wow, it was right on. > I am, at a much older age than most of you, the only child of a > borderline/borderlines. Much older. I'm 61. (I actually can't believe it - I > feel SO much younger inside). Oh, how I wish, when I was in therapy in the > 80s and 90s, that being a child of a borderline would have been recognized > and treated. Sadly, it wasn't. I was diagnosed with BPD, even though the > only symptoms I had were an eating disorder, depression, and a pattern of > entering into unstable relationships. I was placed in a day center for > borderlines, and I watched what was going on around me, all the manipulating > and the lying and the screaming fights and the self-mutilation and the > attention-seeking, and how people would totally freak out if their counselor > went on vacation, and I just felt so lost and scared because they reminded > me of what I'd grown up with. And, although I did learn a lot in that day > center, there were many aspects to the treatment that hurt me more than > helped me, and made me feel worse about myself than I already did. > I stopped therapy in the '90s, when my counselor refused to change my > diagnosis to depression and PTSD, rather than borderline, and kept treating > me as if I were a borderline. Being treated by a therapist as a borderline > is not a pleasant thing. About a year later, I was so depressed I checked > myself into the hospital, and they gave me a battery of psych tests, and my > diagnosis was major depression and PTSD. No borderline anywhere. I chose not > to return to therapy, as I felt that I knew where my problems stemmed from, > but now I believe I made a mistake by not returning. > Anyway, as a 61-year-old child of a borderline/borderlines, and growing up > surrounded by severely personality-disordered people, and not knowing the > child-of-a-borderline syndrome existed until about a year ago, when I > discovered this group, I have not done well in this lifetime. I was a child > prodigy (musical) but now I can't even listen to music, let alone perform it > or compose it. I live alone, have never been married, as the men I've chosen > have turned out to be substance abusers and have had BPD or NPD or both. The > one time I did enter a relationship with a man who was none of these things, > who was truly wonderful to be around, well, two years into the relationship > I found out he was married and his wife and him had an agreement that they > could play around. (He had introduced his wife to me as his sister and we > would even all hang around together. They were VERY good at keeping > secrets). This was five years ago, and it was the last relationship I ever > had. > I have trouble standing up for myself. When I try to express anger, I feel > sick inside, and it seems to me that the outcome is always bad. I am > depressed 100 percent of the time. I'm a serious underachiever. My financial > situation is dire. I go without seeing another human being for weeks at a > time. I have nightmares about my parents every single night. I yearn for a > family, but don't have one. I yearn for my only cousin to love me, but he > believed my nada when she said I was a drug addict, psychopath and > pathological liar. I have tried to create my own family, but it hasn't > worked. I do have friends, but only one lives close to me, and he has > Asperger's and is pretty much impossible to have a conversation with. My > other two close friends in the area (I live in Virginia) moved to Australia > last year. Another friend lives 60 miles away, so we rarely see each other, > and the rest of my friends live in California. I'm afraid to meet new people > because I don't want to feel love any more. Love leads to pain for me, as > does hope. I have become numb, except when I'm asleep and have nightmares. > I am so happy that you younger people who have suffered growing up with a > borderline can know what it is you're dealing with and take the proper steps > to defend and heal yourselves. I am currently waiting for government > assistance so I can get into therapy, just in case there's some hope for me > to rebuild some sort of a life. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2011 Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 Thank you so much, and Annie. Your support is invaluable to me. I am just so depressed...feeling so alone, and like such a failure. It is nice to know I'm not the only " older KO " out there. I wish I had a car; unfortunately, I don't, and can't afford one, which makes it even harder for me to get out. I have an application in for senior transportation services, which will make getting out easier. I am thankful for my computer, and I do love my pet rats (yes, I have four pet rats, and they're incredibly sweet), but I have some health problems that keep me in constant pain, which doesn't help my frame of mind. Two of my old friends from the West Coast came to visit me for my birthday last month and stayed in town for four days. They are such lovely people! They gave me the first birthday cards and presents I've had for years, and took me out to eat, and just treated me so beautifully. And I loved hearing about their lives, and sharing their joys and sorrows. When they left, I felt more alone than ever. They know my situation and are keeping in touch with me through phone calls and emails, and I am VERY thankful for them. I especially value them because they knew me when I was still living with my parents, and they knew my parents, and were afraid of them, and were aware that something was terribly wrong, so they understand my background. And they believe me. I have read many books on reparenting one's self but they haven't helped me. It's like I need the real thing, you know? But I know I will never get it. I have this wish that my cousin will realize I'm not a horrible person and he will accept me as a family member (we have no other living family except for each other), and sometimes it's seemed like that would happen, and I'd get my hopes up, and they'd be dashed to the ground. I wish I could stop wishing. I keep thinking something is wrong with ME. That I really did do something horrible to my parents that made them act the way they did to me. That I did something horrible to my cousin. That something about me is just disgusting and evil, the way my parents kept repeating to me, and that they were right when they said that no one could ever love me except them, even though I never felt any love coming from them - just anger and hatred for my very being. One of my nightmares is reliving an episode from my teen years. I was rejected by a boy I had a gigantic crush on (back in the days when I could love passionately), who told me I wasn't pretty enough for him. (I was far from attractive as a teen, and was a member of a teen performing arts group that was chock-full of gorgeous kids; they liked me just fine, just not as someone to date). I was devastated, as any 15-year-old girl would be. When I got home, I immediately went into my room, closed the door and burst into tears. All I wanted in the whole world was for this boy to hold me. No boy had ever held me or kissed me in my whole life. I was filled with misery and yearning. Nada burst in. (She never knocked - she refused to). She yelled at me, " What's wrong with YOU? " I told her what had happened, and she went into a tirade about how all I cared about were PANTS (my parents' term for " boys), and how selfish and stupid I was, and SHE was the only one who would ever love me because that boy and all boys could see through me and know how disgusting I was. And then my father walked in and joined her in the tirade. They slapped and punched me, and poked at the chubby parts of my body, yelling " Fat! Fat! Ugly! You look like an old lady! " Then my mother dragged me into the bathroom and made me take off all my clothes and get on the scale, and of course I was overweight, and she started touching me all over in a sexual way, and I wanted to vomit but most of all I wanted to die. Compassion? Not in my house. None. None at all. And I keep having nightmares about this, over and over. I honestly don't know how to heal. The books don't do it. On Tue, Jul 12, 2011 at 2:10 PM, anuria67854 wrote: > ** > > > (((((Judy))))) > > I'm an older KO too; sometimes it is hard to not fall into despair. It > helps me is to realize that life is short, and we have all too few years to > fill with joyful things while we are still able " to enjoy our portion of > health " , as my grandpa used to put it. That helps motivate me to appreciate > what I do have: the ability to walk, so I can go outside when I want to and > stroll around my neighborhood, the ability to see and hear. I can drive, I > can contact a friend and see if she or he wants to go have lunch or see a > movie with me. I try to concentrate on what I do have instead of what I > don't have. Maybe that will help you too. Falling into despair and > hopelessness scares me; its like an enemy you have to actively fight. So I > hope you can find ways to climb out of despair, that will work for you. > > -Annie > > > > > > > I want to thank you all for the support and validation you've given me in > > regards to my nada constantly bringing up how I had a tantrum at the > circus > > when I was four years old, and also all the replies and thoughts about an > > entire personality-disordered family. I read the Wikipedia article on the > > dysfunctional family and, wow, it was right on. > > I am, at a much older age than most of you, the only child of a > > borderline/borderlines. Much older. I'm 61. (I actually can't believe it > - I > > feel SO much younger inside). Oh, how I wish, when I was in therapy in > the > > 80s and 90s, that being a child of a borderline would have been > recognized > > and treated. Sadly, it wasn't. I was diagnosed with BPD, even though the > > only symptoms I had were an eating disorder, depression, and a pattern of > > entering into unstable relationships. I was placed in a day center for > > borderlines, and I watched what was going on around me, all the > manipulating > > and the lying and the screaming fights and the self-mutilation and the > > attention-seeking, and how people would totally freak out if their > counselor > > went on vacation, and I just felt so lost and scared because they > reminded > > me of what I'd grown up with. And, although I did learn a lot in that day > > center, there were many aspects to the treatment that hurt me more than > > helped me, and made me feel worse about myself than I already did. > > I stopped therapy in the '90s, when my counselor refused to change my > > diagnosis to depression and PTSD, rather than borderline, and kept > treating > > me as if I were a borderline. Being treated by a therapist as a > borderline > > is not a pleasant thing. About a year later, I was so depressed I checked > > myself into the hospital, and they gave me a battery of psych tests, and > my > > diagnosis was major depression and PTSD. No borderline anywhere. I chose > not > > to return to therapy, as I felt that I knew where my problems stemmed > from, > > but now I believe I made a mistake by not returning. > > Anyway, as a 61-year-old child of a borderline/borderlines, and growing > up > > surrounded by severely personality-disordered people, and not knowing the > > child-of-a-borderline syndrome existed until about a year ago, when I > > discovered this group, I have not done well in this lifetime. I was a > child > > prodigy (musical) but now I can't even listen to music, let alone perform > it > > or compose it. I live alone, have never been married, as the men I've > chosen > > have turned out to be substance abusers and have had BPD or NPD or both. > The > > one time I did enter a relationship with a man who was none of these > things, > > who was truly wonderful to be around, well, two years into the > relationship > > I found out he was married and his wife and him had an agreement that > they > > could play around. (He had introduced his wife to me as his sister and we > > would even all hang around together. They were VERY good at keeping > > secrets). This was five years ago, and it was the last relationship I > ever > > had. > > I have trouble standing up for myself. When I try to express anger, I > feel > > sick inside, and it seems to me that the outcome is always bad. I am > > depressed 100 percent of the time. I'm a serious underachiever. My > financial > > situation is dire. I go without seeing another human being for weeks at a > > time. I have nightmares about my parents every single night. I yearn for > a > > family, but don't have one. I yearn for my only cousin to love me, but he > > believed my nada when she said I was a drug addict, psychopath and > > pathological liar. I have tried to create my own family, but it hasn't > > worked. I do have friends, but only one lives close to me, and he has > > Asperger's and is pretty much impossible to have a conversation with. My > > other two close friends in the area (I live in Virginia) moved to > Australia > > last year. Another friend lives 60 miles away, so we rarely see each > other, > > and the rest of my friends live in California. I'm afraid to meet new > people > > because I don't want to feel love any more. Love leads to pain for me, as > > does hope. I have become numb, except when I'm asleep and have > nightmares. > > I am so happy that you younger people who have suffered growing up with a > > borderline can know what it is you're dealing with and take the proper > steps > > to defend and heal yourselves. I am currently waiting for government > > assistance so I can get into therapy, just in case there's some hope for > me > > to rebuild some sort of a life. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2011 Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 Judy, Thank you for sharing so much of your life here. You mentioned earlier that you were waiting for the possibility of government assistance to restart counseling for yourself. I think that is a good route to take. I pray that comes through for you soon. Your parents were wrong. You were just a child and did not deserve ever to be mistreated/abused as you have described. Even if you acted out and had tantrums every day, no one deserves the treatment you describe in your earlier post. One other suggestion I have is that you may have a local storytellers guild around. If there is one, usually anyone who wishes may join and my experience is that these are down to earth people who share their love of stories and welcome all who care to join the journey. If that interests you I would suggest you check it out. One of the ways I have heard of people using storytelling is for healing purposes. I have met a woman about your age who tells wonderful childhood stories about her family, about everyday life things such as fishing with her grandfather, baking with her mom, etc. Come to find out most of her stories are what she wished had made up her childhood and never happened. I have heard her share in a paid position at a local eatery where the owner has storytelling once a week during winter months and also at guild monthly meetings. She has been storytelling to heal for a long time. Even if you don't join a storytelling group, I know there are books on the art of storytelling for healing. This may be helpful to you. Best to you, > > > > > > I want to thank you all for the support and validation you've given me in > > > regards to my nada constantly bringing up how I had a tantrum at the > > circus > > > when I was four years old, and also all the replies and thoughts about an > > > entire personality-disordered family. I read the Wikipedia article on the > > > dysfunctional family and, wow, it was right on. > > > I am, at a much older age than most of you, the only child of a > > > borderline/borderlines. Much older. I'm 61. (I actually can't believe it > > - I > > > feel SO much younger inside). Oh, how I wish, when I was in therapy in > > the > > > 80s and 90s, that being a child of a borderline would have been > > recognized > > > and treated. Sadly, it wasn't. I was diagnosed with BPD, even though the > > > only symptoms I had were an eating disorder, depression, and a pattern of > > > entering into unstable relationships. I was placed in a day center for > > > borderlines, and I watched what was going on around me, all the > > manipulating > > > and the lying and the screaming fights and the self-mutilation and the > > > attention-seeking, and how people would totally freak out if their > > counselor > > > went on vacation, and I just felt so lost and scared because they > > reminded > > > me of what I'd grown up with. And, although I did learn a lot in that day > > > center, there were many aspects to the treatment that hurt me more than > > > helped me, and made me feel worse about myself than I already did. > > > I stopped therapy in the '90s, when my counselor refused to change my > > > diagnosis to depression and PTSD, rather than borderline, and kept > > treating > > > me as if I were a borderline. Being treated by a therapist as a > > borderline > > > is not a pleasant thing. About a year later, I was so depressed I checked > > > myself into the hospital, and they gave me a battery of psych tests, and > > my > > > diagnosis was major depression and PTSD. No borderline anywhere. I chose > > not > > > to return to therapy, as I felt that I knew where my problems stemmed > > from, > > > but now I believe I made a mistake by not returning. > > > Anyway, as a 61-year-old child of a borderline/borderlines, and growing > > up > > > surrounded by severely personality-disordered people, and not knowing the > > > child-of-a-borderline syndrome existed until about a year ago, when I > > > discovered this group, I have not done well in this lifetime. I was a > > child > > > prodigy (musical) but now I can't even listen to music, let alone perform > > it > > > or compose it. I live alone, have never been married, as the men I've > > chosen > > > have turned out to be substance abusers and have had BPD or NPD or both. > > The > > > one time I did enter a relationship with a man who was none of these > > things, > > > who was truly wonderful to be around, well, two years into the > > relationship > > > I found out he was married and his wife and him had an agreement that > > they > > > could play around. (He had introduced his wife to me as his sister and we > > > would even all hang around together. They were VERY good at keeping > > > secrets). This was five years ago, and it was the last relationship I > > ever > > > had. > > > I have trouble standing up for myself. When I try to express anger, I > > feel > > > sick inside, and it seems to me that the outcome is always bad. I am > > > depressed 100 percent of the time. I'm a serious underachiever. My > > financial > > > situation is dire. I go without seeing another human being for weeks at a > > > time. I have nightmares about my parents every single night. I yearn for > > a > > > family, but don't have one. I yearn for my only cousin to love me, but he > > > believed my nada when she said I was a drug addict, psychopath and > > > pathological liar. I have tried to create my own family, but it hasn't > > > worked. I do have friends, but only one lives close to me, and he has > > > Asperger's and is pretty much impossible to have a conversation with. My > > > other two close friends in the area (I live in Virginia) moved to > > Australia > > > last year. Another friend lives 60 miles away, so we rarely see each > > other, > > > and the rest of my friends live in California. I'm afraid to meet new > > people > > > because I don't want to feel love any more. Love leads to pain for me, as > > > does hope. I have become numb, except when I'm asleep and have > > nightmares. > > > I am so happy that you younger people who have suffered growing up with a > > > borderline can know what it is you're dealing with and take the proper > > steps > > > to defend and heal yourselves. I am currently waiting for government > > > assistance so I can get into therapy, just in case there's some hope for > > me > > > to rebuild some sort of a life. > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2011 Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 , Thank you very much for your kind words! I never heard of storytellers guilds. Sounds interesting! I will see if there is one around here. I'm not much of a storyteller but it would be fascinating to hear the stories of others. Judy > ** > > > > Judy, > Thank you for sharing so much of your life here. You mentioned earlier that > you were waiting for the possibility of government assistance to restart > counseling for yourself. I think that is a good route to take. I pray that > comes through for you soon. > > Your parents were wrong. You were just a child and did not deserve ever to > be mistreated/abused as you have described. Even if you acted out and had > tantrums every day, no one deserves the treatment you describe in your > earlier post. > > One other suggestion I have is that you may have a local storytellers guild > around. If there is one, usually anyone who wishes may join and my > experience is that these are down to earth people who share their love of > stories and welcome all who care to join the journey. If that interests you > I would suggest you check it out. One of the ways I have heard of people > using storytelling is for healing purposes. I have met a woman about your > age who tells wonderful childhood stories about her family, about everyday > life things such as fishing with her grandfather, baking with her mom, etc. > Come to find out most of her stories are what she wished had made up her > childhood and never happened. I have heard her share in a paid position at a > local eatery where the owner has storytelling once a week during winter > months and also at guild monthly meetings. She has been storytelling to heal > for a long time. > > Even if you don't join a storytelling group, I know there are books on the > art of storytelling for healing. This may be helpful to you. > > Best to you, > > > > > > > > > > > I want to thank you all for the support and validation you've given > me in > > > > regards to my nada constantly bringing up how I had a tantrum at the > > > circus > > > > when I was four years old, and also all the replies and thoughts > about an > > > > entire personality-disordered family. I read the Wikipedia article on > the > > > > dysfunctional family and, wow, it was right on. > > > > I am, at a much older age than most of you, the only child of a > > > > borderline/borderlines. Much older. I'm 61. (I actually can't believe > it > > > - I > > > > feel SO much younger inside). Oh, how I wish, when I was in therapy > in > > > the > > > > 80s and 90s, that being a child of a borderline would have been > > > recognized > > > > and treated. Sadly, it wasn't. I was diagnosed with BPD, even though > the > > > > only symptoms I had were an eating disorder, depression, and a > pattern of > > > > entering into unstable relationships. I was placed in a day center > for > > > > borderlines, and I watched what was going on around me, all the > > > manipulating > > > > and the lying and the screaming fights and the self-mutilation and > the > > > > attention-seeking, and how people would totally freak out if their > > > counselor > > > > went on vacation, and I just felt so lost and scared because they > > > reminded > > > > me of what I'd grown up with. And, although I did learn a lot in that > day > > > > center, there were many aspects to the treatment that hurt me more > than > > > > helped me, and made me feel worse about myself than I already did. > > > > I stopped therapy in the '90s, when my counselor refused to change my > > > > diagnosis to depression and PTSD, rather than borderline, and kept > > > treating > > > > me as if I were a borderline. Being treated by a therapist as a > > > borderline > > > > is not a pleasant thing. About a year later, I was so depressed I > checked > > > > myself into the hospital, and they gave me a battery of psych tests, > and > > > my > > > > diagnosis was major depression and PTSD. No borderline anywhere. I > chose > > > not > > > > to return to therapy, as I felt that I knew where my problems stemmed > > > from, > > > > but now I believe I made a mistake by not returning. > > > > Anyway, as a 61-year-old child of a borderline/borderlines, and > growing > > > up > > > > surrounded by severely personality-disordered people, and not knowing > the > > > > child-of-a-borderline syndrome existed until about a year ago, when I > > > > discovered this group, I have not done well in this lifetime. I was a > > > child > > > > prodigy (musical) but now I can't even listen to music, let alone > perform > > > it > > > > or compose it. I live alone, have never been married, as the men I've > > > chosen > > > > have turned out to be substance abusers and have had BPD or NPD or > both. > > > The > > > > one time I did enter a relationship with a man who was none of these > > > things, > > > > who was truly wonderful to be around, well, two years into the > > > relationship > > > > I found out he was married and his wife and him had an agreement that > > > they > > > > could play around. (He had introduced his wife to me as his sister > and we > > > > would even all hang around together. They were VERY good at keeping > > > > secrets). This was five years ago, and it was the last relationship I > > > ever > > > > had. > > > > I have trouble standing up for myself. When I try to express anger, I > > > feel > > > > sick inside, and it seems to me that the outcome is always bad. I am > > > > depressed 100 percent of the time. I'm a serious underachiever. My > > > financial > > > > situation is dire. I go without seeing another human being for weeks > at a > > > > time. I have nightmares about my parents every single night. I yearn > for > > > a > > > > family, but don't have one. I yearn for my only cousin to love me, > but he > > > > believed my nada when she said I was a drug addict, psychopath and > > > > pathological liar. I have tried to create my own family, but it > hasn't > > > > worked. I do have friends, but only one lives close to me, and he has > > > > Asperger's and is pretty much impossible to have a conversation with. > My > > > > other two close friends in the area (I live in Virginia) moved to > > > Australia > > > > last year. Another friend lives 60 miles away, so we rarely see each > > > other, > > > > and the rest of my friends live in California. I'm afraid to meet new > > > people > > > > because I don't want to feel love any more. Love leads to pain for > me, as > > > > does hope. I have become numb, except when I'm asleep and have > > > nightmares. > > > > I am so happy that you younger people who have suffered growing up > with a > > > > borderline can know what it is you're dealing with and take the > proper > > > steps > > > > to defend and heal yourselves. I am currently waiting for government > > > > assistance so I can get into therapy, just in case there's some hope > for > > > me > > > > to rebuild some sort of a life. > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2011 Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 Judy, The first guild meeting I went to for storytellers was very relaxed and informal. Whomever could show up did. If you were there and picked up a stone from a bowl you were asked to share a story. I was in a panic inside. I didn't think I could tell a story either. Didn't think my life was so interesting, nor my telling anything special. When it became my turn, and I had heard others share, the patterns they used helped me. I took a very simple story I had heard about my grandmother and shared it, with my own added flavor. They were very encouraging and supportive. You do have stories and perhaps will find this healing and fun! > > > > > > > > > > I want to thank you all for the support and validation you've given > > me in > > > > > regards to my nada constantly bringing up how I had a tantrum at the > > > > circus > > > > > when I was four years old, and also all the replies and thoughts > > about an > > > > > entire personality-disordered family. I read the Wikipedia article on > > the > > > > > dysfunctional family and, wow, it was right on. > > > > > I am, at a much older age than most of you, the only child of a > > > > > borderline/borderlines. Much older. I'm 61. (I actually can't believe > > it > > > > - I > > > > > feel SO much younger inside). Oh, how I wish, when I was in therapy > > in > > > > the > > > > > 80s and 90s, that being a child of a borderline would have been > > > > recognized > > > > > and treated. Sadly, it wasn't. I was diagnosed with BPD, even though > > the > > > > > only symptoms I had were an eating disorder, depression, and a > > pattern of > > > > > entering into unstable relationships. I was placed in a day center > > for > > > > > borderlines, and I watched what was going on around me, all the > > > > manipulating > > > > > and the lying and the screaming fights and the self-mutilation and > > the > > > > > attention-seeking, and how people would totally freak out if their > > > > counselor > > > > > went on vacation, and I just felt so lost and scared because they > > > > reminded > > > > > me of what I'd grown up with. And, although I did learn a lot in that > > day > > > > > center, there were many aspects to the treatment that hurt me more > > than > > > > > helped me, and made me feel worse about myself than I already did. > > > > > I stopped therapy in the '90s, when my counselor refused to change my > > > > > diagnosis to depression and PTSD, rather than borderline, and kept > > > > treating > > > > > me as if I were a borderline. Being treated by a therapist as a > > > > borderline > > > > > is not a pleasant thing. About a year later, I was so depressed I > > checked > > > > > myself into the hospital, and they gave me a battery of psych tests, > > and > > > > my > > > > > diagnosis was major depression and PTSD. No borderline anywhere. I > > chose > > > > not > > > > > to return to therapy, as I felt that I knew where my problems stemmed > > > > from, > > > > > but now I believe I made a mistake by not returning. > > > > > Anyway, as a 61-year-old child of a borderline/borderlines, and > > growing > > > > up > > > > > surrounded by severely personality-disordered people, and not knowing > > the > > > > > child-of-a-borderline syndrome existed until about a year ago, when I > > > > > discovered this group, I have not done well in this lifetime. I was a > > > > child > > > > > prodigy (musical) but now I can't even listen to music, let alone > > perform > > > > it > > > > > or compose it. I live alone, have never been married, as the men I've > > > > chosen > > > > > have turned out to be substance abusers and have had BPD or NPD or > > both. > > > > The > > > > > one time I did enter a relationship with a man who was none of these > > > > things, > > > > > who was truly wonderful to be around, well, two years into the > > > > relationship > > > > > I found out he was married and his wife and him had an agreement that > > > > they > > > > > could play around. (He had introduced his wife to me as his sister > > and we > > > > > would even all hang around together. They were VERY good at keeping > > > > > secrets). This was five years ago, and it was the last relationship I > > > > ever > > > > > had. > > > > > I have trouble standing up for myself. When I try to express anger, I > > > > feel > > > > > sick inside, and it seems to me that the outcome is always bad. I am > > > > > depressed 100 percent of the time. I'm a serious underachiever. My > > > > financial > > > > > situation is dire. I go without seeing another human being for weeks > > at a > > > > > time. I have nightmares about my parents every single night. I yearn > > for > > > > a > > > > > family, but don't have one. I yearn for my only cousin to love me, > > but he > > > > > believed my nada when she said I was a drug addict, psychopath and > > > > > pathological liar. I have tried to create my own family, but it > > hasn't > > > > > worked. I do have friends, but only one lives close to me, and he has > > > > > Asperger's and is pretty much impossible to have a conversation with. > > My > > > > > other two close friends in the area (I live in Virginia) moved to > > > > Australia > > > > > last year. Another friend lives 60 miles away, so we rarely see each > > > > other, > > > > > and the rest of my friends live in California. I'm afraid to meet new > > > > people > > > > > because I don't want to feel love any more. Love leads to pain for > > me, as > > > > > does hope. I have become numb, except when I'm asleep and have > > > > nightmares. > > > > > I am so happy that you younger people who have suffered growing up > > with a > > > > > borderline can know what it is you're dealing with and take the > > proper > > > > steps > > > > > to defend and heal yourselves. I am currently waiting for government > > > > > assistance so I can get into therapy, just in case there's some hope > > for > > > > me > > > > > to rebuild some sort of a life. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2011 Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 What a horrible, sadistic thing for your parents to do to you. So traumatizing to a vulnerable teen. That's just reprehensible. The only thing I know of to suggest is therapy, and if you're in a depression you can't pull out of and having chronic physical pain, then meds. But you're the only one who can figure out what will work for you; some people don't have good luck with therapy or meds. Sometimes when I'm stuck in a depressive cycle of thoughts, ruminating about bad things, and if my friends are busy, I like to do volunteer work. That gets me out of the house and around other people for a few hours, and we're doing something kind for others, and that is very cheering. I like to help people with reading difficulties at the local library, and its only a few blocks away from me; very handy! Maybe doing volunteer work will be cheering for you, too? -Annie > > > > > > I want to thank you all for the support and validation you've given me in > > > regards to my nada constantly bringing up how I had a tantrum at the > > circus > > > when I was four years old, and also all the replies and thoughts about an > > > entire personality-disordered family. I read the Wikipedia article on the > > > dysfunctional family and, wow, it was right on. > > > I am, at a much older age than most of you, the only child of a > > > borderline/borderlines. Much older. I'm 61. (I actually can't believe it > > - I > > > feel SO much younger inside). Oh, how I wish, when I was in therapy in > > the > > > 80s and 90s, that being a child of a borderline would have been > > recognized > > > and treated. Sadly, it wasn't. I was diagnosed with BPD, even though the > > > only symptoms I had were an eating disorder, depression, and a pattern of > > > entering into unstable relationships. I was placed in a day center for > > > borderlines, and I watched what was going on around me, all the > > manipulating > > > and the lying and the screaming fights and the self-mutilation and the > > > attention-seeking, and how people would totally freak out if their > > counselor > > > went on vacation, and I just felt so lost and scared because they > > reminded > > > me of what I'd grown up with. And, although I did learn a lot in that day > > > center, there were many aspects to the treatment that hurt me more than > > > helped me, and made me feel worse about myself than I already did. > > > I stopped therapy in the '90s, when my counselor refused to change my > > > diagnosis to depression and PTSD, rather than borderline, and kept > > treating > > > me as if I were a borderline. Being treated by a therapist as a > > borderline > > > is not a pleasant thing. About a year later, I was so depressed I checked > > > myself into the hospital, and they gave me a battery of psych tests, and > > my > > > diagnosis was major depression and PTSD. No borderline anywhere. I chose > > not > > > to return to therapy, as I felt that I knew where my problems stemmed > > from, > > > but now I believe I made a mistake by not returning. > > > Anyway, as a 61-year-old child of a borderline/borderlines, and growing > > up > > > surrounded by severely personality-disordered people, and not knowing the > > > child-of-a-borderline syndrome existed until about a year ago, when I > > > discovered this group, I have not done well in this lifetime. I was a > > child > > > prodigy (musical) but now I can't even listen to music, let alone perform > > it > > > or compose it. I live alone, have never been married, as the men I've > > chosen > > > have turned out to be substance abusers and have had BPD or NPD or both. > > The > > > one time I did enter a relationship with a man who was none of these > > things, > > > who was truly wonderful to be around, well, two years into the > > relationship > > > I found out he was married and his wife and him had an agreement that > > they > > > could play around. (He had introduced his wife to me as his sister and we > > > would even all hang around together. They were VERY good at keeping > > > secrets). This was five years ago, and it was the last relationship I > > ever > > > had. > > > I have trouble standing up for myself. When I try to express anger, I > > feel > > > sick inside, and it seems to me that the outcome is always bad. I am > > > depressed 100 percent of the time. I'm a serious underachiever. My > > financial > > > situation is dire. I go without seeing another human being for weeks at a > > > time. I have nightmares about my parents every single night. I yearn for > > a > > > family, but don't have one. I yearn for my only cousin to love me, but he > > > believed my nada when she said I was a drug addict, psychopath and > > > pathological liar. I have tried to create my own family, but it hasn't > > > worked. I do have friends, but only one lives close to me, and he has > > > Asperger's and is pretty much impossible to have a conversation with. My > > > other two close friends in the area (I live in Virginia) moved to > > Australia > > > last year. Another friend lives 60 miles away, so we rarely see each > > other, > > > and the rest of my friends live in California. I'm afraid to meet new > > people > > > because I don't want to feel love any more. Love leads to pain for me, as > > > does hope. I have become numb, except when I'm asleep and have > > nightmares. > > > I am so happy that you younger people who have suffered growing up with a > > > borderline can know what it is you're dealing with and take the proper > > steps > > > to defend and heal yourselves. I am currently waiting for government > > > assistance so I can get into therapy, just in case there's some hope for > > me > > > to rebuild some sort of a life. > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2011 Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 Judy, it's no wonder you've been affected long-term by such severe abuse. I hope it works out for you to get into counseling again and find someone helpful. That one incident you related right there could be treated with EMDR along with the many other ones you no doubt went through. PTSD treatment has come along a way. I wish I knew words that would comfort, but all I can say is give yourself credit for surviving, give yourself credit for being who you are right now in this world because I have no doubt that it took more strength and resilience than you've acknowledged for yourself. Eliza Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 12, 2011 Report Share Posted July 12, 2011 I'll add count me in as part of the voluntary celibate crew. After dating many sociopathic types I just gave up. I realized that men I clicked with would tend to be sociopathic or at minimum severely empathy deprived and I just couldn't stand it anymore. No matter how big I made my list of warning signs to watch for, the next one would be slicker and hide what he was better for longer. There's something about me, either something I do or do not do, that seems to disqualify me in normal men's eyes. It just never even gets off the ground and if a man is interested I immediately distrust him now because of the history. This is part of why I have such an abiding anger at my father who basically wasn't there except for a few brief visits all my childhood. Still those visits were enough to set the template for what kind of man I should match with. I think if a person has a crazy mother if the father is normal (even if a dishrag) they've got a shot at connecting with men who aren't sick. But if the father is messed up too, the odds of connecting with a healthy man go way down. I don't know if it's genes calling to genes, getting imprinted like a baby duck or what. There is a freedom and opportunity in choosing to live life solo though - and I try to focus on the positive aspects of that. Eliza > > Thanks Judy for expressing all that. > > I hope that this group is a place where you can express and process as much as you need to process, it is the most validating experience I have had in almost 2 decades of 12 step and therapy and group therapy and self help books, etc. I identified with so much of your post. I haven't had anyone in my life in 10 years because I attract batterers and I don't want that kind of drama in my life, and I don't know how to 'get' the normal people. I feel like I have huge 'blanks' where something I should have had is missing, but I don't know exactly what, or what to do to fix it. I can't even conceive of what 'healthy' should be sometimes. The most amazing thing about this group is how much it helps us when people share their pain and fears. It gives us a chance to feel useful by being supportive and validating, and it validates us in a way that I have not found anywhere else. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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