Guest guest Posted July 13, 2011 Report Share Posted July 13, 2011 I have been NC with my parents for about a month and a half, and very very LC for years before that. I finally decided to listen to the cues my body was giving me every time they called: intense anxiety and dread, etc. Even hearing the phone ring I would worry it might be them, and if their name was on the Caller ID? My heart would sink. So I put it in writing that I needed space and that I did not want them to contact us in any way whatsoever unless it was through a therapist. It was a last resort after many, many attempts to communicate boundaries, and my mother pretending to respect them for a while and then plowing right through them again. Yesterday was a special day in my house. We did a lot of celebrating and had a really good time. And then, right before the kids' bedtime, the phone rang. I thought, well maybe it is my MIL calling to wish us well. Since my H was reading to the kids, I went to pick up the phone, and saw my mother's name on the ID (her cell). My first reaction was to feel angry. Why? Why did she have to be this way?? And then I realized I would have to figure out how to turn off the volume on the handset since they all go on speakerphone whenever the answering machine picks up, and I do not like to hear my mother's voice. To my relief, she did not leave a message. Well, then I was left to figure out what to do. I decided it was not going to ruin the rest of our evening. Maybe, just maybe, it was a butt dial, a mistake. I didn't mention it to my H, we just went about our evening and had a great end to the day. And I'm still determined not to let it get me down. I am happy to have detached enough not to have had any big anxiety about it, and to know just to make a record of the call somewhere and not respond. They respected our request for NC even through my dd's birthday last month, and she usually forgets that yesterday is a special day for us, so it was probably just a coincidence. But, this morning, I was thinking; the phone rang long enough to go to VM. Usually if they butt dial me, I get a message with like 2 minutes of background noise from wherever it is they are, they usually don't even know they've done it because the call disconnects when my machine hangs up. But last night, she ended the call instead of leaving a message. Logically, it seems more likely to me that she did it on purpose. And then I remembered something I'd read on one of these boards (I don't remember if it was here at WTO or over at BPDFamily). Someone's nada used to call *just* to hear her voice on the machine. She'd listen to her daughter's outgoing message and then hang up. And of course, I'm the one who recorded our VM message. Maybe that was it. So, I changed it and my cell back to the standard computer voice that just says the phone number. We'll see if it happens any more. Anyway, I guess I just wanted to vent about that a little bit. It has definitely been what I need to have NC, and that call last night just reinforces that for me, even in the event that it wasn't intentional. It makes the brief wave of guilt I felt a few weeks ago all go away. Sveta Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 13, 2011 Report Share Posted July 13, 2011 I would add that I was very anxious about sending my NC letter, thinking of all the various ways my parents might react, based on stories I've read here. Would they show up at my house? Would they sue me? Would they extinction burst-call me and I would have to get a formal cease-and-desist from a lawyer? Would Mom try to kill herself? But they didn't do anything. No calls, no mail, nothing. I thought they were doing a good job respecting what I asked for, and laughed a little at how worried I had been. It looked like they were finally going to try to give me the space I needed for a change. But then that call...I guess it didn't really surprise me. I know what I'm up against. The thing that makes this hard is being unable to determine whether the phone call was an accident. I think it will bother me a little less if I just assume that it was, unless I am given evidence to the contrary. Either way I'm going to just go about my life. sva Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 13, 2011 Report Share Posted July 13, 2011 Whan I was reading your post and came to the part where you thought it was a " butt dial " I started laughing my head off - Nada only calls when she wants to " show her butt " or " act like a butt " - so technically you could say that if it's Nada calling, it's ALWAYS a butt dial! And yes, going on with your life is the only sane response. > > I would add that I was very anxious about sending my NC letter, thinking of all the various ways my parents might react, based on stories I've read here. Would they show up at my house? Would they sue me? Would they extinction burst-call me and I would have to get a formal cease-and-desist from a lawyer? Would Mom try to kill herself? > > But they didn't do anything. No calls, no mail, nothing. I thought they were doing a good job respecting what I asked for, and laughed a little at how worried I had been. It looked like they were finally going to try to give me the space I needed for a change. > > But then that call...I guess it didn't really surprise me. I know what I'm up against. The thing that makes this hard is being unable to determine whether the phone call was an accident. I think it will bother me a little less if I just assume that it was, unless I am given evidence to the contrary. Either way I'm going to just go about my life. > > sva > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 13, 2011 Report Share Posted July 13, 2011 I'm in a similar situation. LC for years, and now NC (again) for 4 months. The same worries haunt me. When I see that nada has called and left me a vm I feel sick. I haven't listened to her vms in months. Today I checked my email and saw she sent me a message. When I saw it, my stomach turned so bad, I felt ill. I figured I should just open it and get it over with already. Well...the woman only sent me a message that had her name and what must be her new work address/phone. That's it. I swear I will never understand her at all. > > I have been NC with my parents for about a month and a half, and very very LC for years before that. I finally decided to listen to the cues my body was giving me every time they called: intense anxiety and dread, etc. Even hearing the phone ring I would worry it might be them, and if their name was on the Caller ID? My heart would sink. So I put it in writing that I needed space and that I did not want them to contact us in any way whatsoever unless it was through a therapist. It was a last resort after many, many attempts to communicate boundaries, and my mother pretending to respect them for a while and then plowing right through them again. > > Yesterday was a special day in my house. We did a lot of celebrating and had a really good time. And then, right before the kids' bedtime, the phone rang. > > I thought, well maybe it is my MIL calling to wish us well. Since my H was reading to the kids, I went to pick up the phone, and saw my mother's name on the ID (her cell). My first reaction was to feel angry. Why? Why did she have to be this way?? And then I realized I would have to figure out how to turn off the volume on the handset since they all go on speakerphone whenever the answering machine picks up, and I do not like to hear my mother's voice. To my relief, she did not leave a message. > > Well, then I was left to figure out what to do. I decided it was not going to ruin the rest of our evening. Maybe, just maybe, it was a butt dial, a mistake. I didn't mention it to my H, we just went about our evening and had a great end to the day. > > And I'm still determined not to let it get me down. I am happy to have detached enough not to have had any big anxiety about it, and to know just to make a record of the call somewhere and not respond. They respected our request for NC even through my dd's birthday last month, and she usually forgets that yesterday is a special day for us, so it was probably just a coincidence. > > But, this morning, I was thinking; the phone rang long enough to go to VM. Usually if they butt dial me, I get a message with like 2 minutes of background noise from wherever it is they are, they usually don't even know they've done it because the call disconnects when my machine hangs up. But last night, she ended the call instead of leaving a message. Logically, it seems more likely to me that she did it on purpose. > > And then I remembered something I'd read on one of these boards (I don't remember if it was here at WTO or over at BPDFamily). Someone's nada used to call *just* to hear her voice on the machine. She'd listen to her daughter's outgoing message and then hang up. And of course, I'm the one who recorded our VM message. Maybe that was it. So, I changed it and my cell back to the standard computer voice that just says the phone number. We'll see if it happens any more. > > Anyway, I guess I just wanted to vent about that a little bit. It has definitely been what I need to have NC, and that call last night just reinforces that for me, even in the event that it wasn't intentional. It makes the brief wave of guilt I felt a few weeks ago all go away. > > Sveta > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 13, 2011 Report Share Posted July 13, 2011 Sveta, My mom called my phone last night after 6 weeks NC, she didn't leave a message either. I freaked of course. I wonder if that is a possibility.the voice mail theory. It crossed my mind last night. I have changed everything else.I am considering changing my phone#. Lol We'll see. ~~Velvet_Tears74~~ Whatever it takes..... From: WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of svaktshka Sent: Wednesday, July 13, 2011 1:38 PM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: the more things change... I have been NC with my parents for about a month and a half, and very very LC for years before that. I finally decided to listen to the cues my body was giving me every time they called: intense anxiety and dread, etc. Even hearing the phone ring I would worry it might be them, and if their name was on the Caller ID? My heart would sink. So I put it in writing that I needed space and that I did not want them to contact us in any way whatsoever unless it was through a therapist. It was a last resort after many, many attempts to communicate boundaries, and my mother pretending to respect them for a while and then plowing right through them again. Yesterday was a special day in my house. We did a lot of celebrating and had a really good time. And then, right before the kids' bedtime, the phone rang. I thought, well maybe it is my MIL calling to wish us well. Since my H was reading to the kids, I went to pick up the phone, and saw my mother's name on the ID (her cell). My first reaction was to feel angry. Why? Why did she have to be this way?? And then I realized I would have to figure out how to turn off the volume on the handset since they all go on speakerphone whenever the answering machine picks up, and I do not like to hear my mother's voice. To my relief, she did not leave a message. Well, then I was left to figure out what to do. I decided it was not going to ruin the rest of our evening. Maybe, just maybe, it was a butt dial, a mistake. I didn't mention it to my H, we just went about our evening and had a great end to the day. And I'm still determined not to let it get me down. I am happy to have detached enough not to have had any big anxiety about it, and to know just to make a record of the call somewhere and not respond. They respected our request for NC even through my dd's birthday last month, and she usually forgets that yesterday is a special day for us, so it was probably just a coincidence. But, this morning, I was thinking; the phone rang long enough to go to VM. Usually if they butt dial me, I get a message with like 2 minutes of background noise from wherever it is they are, they usually don't even know they've done it because the call disconnects when my machine hangs up. But last night, she ended the call instead of leaving a message. Logically, it seems more likely to me that she did it on purpose. And then I remembered something I'd read on one of these boards (I don't remember if it was here at WTO or over at BPDFamily). Someone's nada used to call *just* to hear her voice on the machine. She'd listen to her daughter's outgoing message and then hang up. And of course, I'm the one who recorded our VM message. Maybe that was it. So, I changed it and my cell back to the standard computer voice that just says the phone number. We'll see if it happens any more. Anyway, I guess I just wanted to vent about that a little bit. It has definitely been what I need to have NC, and that call last night just reinforces that for me, even in the event that it wasn't intentional. It makes the brief wave of guilt I felt a few weeks ago all go away. Sveta Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 13, 2011 Report Share Posted July 13, 2011 Wow, that's uncanny! It's been about 6 weeks NC for me, too. It's almost like a practical joke. I appreciate all the support so far, guys. I knew you'd all understand! Sveta > > Sveta, > > My mom called my phone last night after 6 weeks NC, she didn't > leave a message either. I freaked of course. I wonder if that is a > possibility.the voice mail theory. It crossed my mind last night. I have > changed everything else.I am considering changing my phone#. Lol We'll see. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 13, 2011 Report Share Posted July 13, 2011 Haha, maybe it is part of that Guidebook? Or a full moon maybe? LOL Hang in there girl! ~~Velvet_Tears74~~ Whatever it takes..... From: WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of svaktshka Sent: Wednesday, July 13, 2011 6:17 PM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: Re: the more things change... Wow, that's uncanny! It's been about 6 weeks NC for me, too. It's almost like a practical joke. I appreciate all the support so far, guys. I knew you'd all understand! Sveta > > Sveta, > > My mom called my phone last night after 6 weeks NC, she didn't > leave a message either. I freaked of course. I wonder if that is a > possibility.the voice mail theory. It crossed my mind last night. I have > changed everything else.I am considering changing my phone#. Lol We'll see. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 13, 2011 Report Share Posted July 13, 2011 The phone just rang, and immediately my heart started racing. Guess the old trigger is back. I had gotten over that one. Thanks, Mom! sva Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 13, 2011 Report Share Posted July 13, 2011 I just went from LC to NC with my nada and she will still occasionally text me. Like pictures of her extended family members that I don't speak to or " accidentally " text me something meant for someone else. I ignored her but when they became for frequent, I put my foot down and said " I asked you not to contact me. Don't pretend you didn't get my letter - I know the guardian ad litem read it to you during your deposition " . And that stopped it. 1 month so far so good!!! (The letter I wrote her for NC was pretty much a list reasons I didn't want her in my life and explaining to her why and then because she subpoenaed all my emails to my Dad, I Bcc'd it to him so they could use it in the custody battle for my siblings! It fried her! Oh the satisfaction...) > > Sveta, > > My mom called my phone last night after 6 weeks NC, she didn't > leave a message either. I freaked of course. I wonder if that is a > possibility.the voice mail theory. It crossed my mind last night. I have > changed everything else.I am considering changing my phone#. Lol We'll see. > > > > ~~Velvet_Tears74~~ > > > > Whatever it takes..... > > > > From: WTOAdultChildren1 > [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of svaktshka > Sent: Wednesday, July 13, 2011 1:38 PM > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Subject: the more things change... > > > > > > I have been NC with my parents for about a month and a half, and very very > LC for years before that. I finally decided to listen to the cues my body > was giving me every time they called: intense anxiety and dread, etc. Even > hearing the phone ring I would worry it might be them, and if their name was > on the Caller ID? My heart would sink. So I put it in writing that I needed > space and that I did not want them to contact us in any way whatsoever > unless it was through a therapist. It was a last resort after many, many > attempts to communicate boundaries, and my mother pretending to respect them > for a while and then plowing right through them again. > > Yesterday was a special day in my house. We did a lot of celebrating and had > a really good time. And then, right before the kids' bedtime, the phone > rang. > > I thought, well maybe it is my MIL calling to wish us well. Since my H was > reading to the kids, I went to pick up the phone, and saw my mother's name > on the ID (her cell). My first reaction was to feel angry. Why? Why did she > have to be this way?? And then I realized I would have to figure out how to > turn off the volume on the handset since they all go on speakerphone > whenever the answering machine picks up, and I do not like to hear my > mother's voice. To my relief, she did not leave a message. > > Well, then I was left to figure out what to do. I decided it was not going > to ruin the rest of our evening. Maybe, just maybe, it was a butt dial, a > mistake. I didn't mention it to my H, we just went about our evening and had > a great end to the day. > > And I'm still determined not to let it get me down. I am happy to have > detached enough not to have had any big anxiety about it, and to know just > to make a record of the call somewhere and not respond. They respected our > request for NC even through my dd's birthday last month, and she usually > forgets that yesterday is a special day for us, so it was probably just a > coincidence. > > But, this morning, I was thinking; the phone rang long enough to go to VM. > Usually if they butt dial me, I get a message with like 2 minutes of > background noise from wherever it is they are, they usually don't even know > they've done it because the call disconnects when my machine hangs up. But > last night, she ended the call instead of leaving a message. Logically, it > seems more likely to me that she did it on purpose. > > And then I remembered something I'd read on one of these boards (I don't > remember if it was here at WTO or over at BPDFamily). Someone's nada used to > call *just* to hear her voice on the machine. She'd listen to her daughter's > outgoing message and then hang up. And of course, I'm the one who recorded > our VM message. Maybe that was it. So, I changed it and my cell back to the > standard computer voice that just says the phone number. We'll see if it > happens any more. > > Anyway, I guess I just wanted to vent about that a little bit. It has > definitely been what I need to have NC, and that call last night just > reinforces that for me, even in the event that it wasn't intentional. It > makes the brief wave of guilt I felt a few weeks ago all go away. > > Sveta > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 13, 2011 Report Share Posted July 13, 2011 THe funny thing about all the phone problems I have been having lately . . . there is a good part. i never changed my phone number after going NC. But now my num was changed for me. . . so . . . cool sez I Not that they call - but they always could call. > ** > > > Wow, that's uncanny! It's been about 6 weeks NC for me, too. It's almost > like a practical joke. > > I appreciate all the support so far, guys. I knew you'd all understand! > > Sveta > > > > > > Sveta, n > > > > My mom called my phone last night after 6 weeks NC, she didn't > > leave a message either. I freaked of course. I wonder if that is a > > possibility.the voice mail theory. It crossed my mind last night. I have > > changed everything else.I am considering changing my phone#. Lol We'll > see. > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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