Re: when someone tells you that you are just like your mother, yikes!

[Guest guest]

I got good information like that from anti-stalking websites and utilized it

when I was being harassed/stalked via Internet by a mentally unbalanced person.

There are lots of anti-stalking websites out there.

Stalkers/harassers can be very obsessional (most of them have a personality

disorder of some kind; wow, surprise, surprise) and it can take them forever to

give up and go away, but each time you respond it gives them a payoff, a " feed " ,

and it prolongs their contact attempts.

Its simple to block a person's e-mail address and ignore them, but it wasn't so

easy to ignore her public posts in forums and Groups. THAT was difficult. She

would become frustrated at my non-response and her posts would become openly

hostile and that would get her banned from the Groups and forums... but then

she'd re-join under a different handle. I was able to recognize her M.O. pretty

quickly, though. Like I said, it took over two whole years for her to finally

give up.

So yes: Do Not Respond. Ever. Even if you are just dying to defend yourself

and refute the false accusations and give back better than you got... do not

succumb to the temptation to respond or you will be buying yourself another 6

months of hostile contact attempts.

-Annie

PS:

My harasser had started threatening to show up at places I was going to be, and

I was at the point of consulting a lawyer as a result, when she finally stopped.

So, whew! It can be very stress-inducing, I feel empathy for anyone going

through that.

> > >

> > > On another (non-KO) forum, I received a note from a person I'd known for a

long while (that I stayed in correspondence with them is a painful example to me

of how innocent I've been about the need to have good boundaries)...

> > >

> > > I'd decided recently that I needed a break from that forum and took my

leave quietly, changing my email address in the process. Unfortunately, my

departure came coincidental with an exchange of emails in which I realized I had

finally had enough of how this person speaks sideways and derogatorily about

people very much like myself.

> > >

> > > I left the forum weeks ago....and Occasionally I STILL receive unsolicited

email from this person.

> > >

> > > In their last email they have actually delivered one of my most troubling

messages. That I am just like my mom. And that I am addicted to her. And even

more know-it-all wisdom that is judgmental and irritating and shaming (I think).

They think I am sulking. Plus, they seem to think my final email to them, which

was gentle and honest... was horrible and rude. Yet they intimated they want me

back on that forum. (What, for more abuse?)

> > >

> > > What do I care about what they think, really....

> > >

> > > The truth is that I long ago gave up sharing about my mom in that forum

unless I had the issue resolved (processing with this person around began to

feel intrusive).... I shared privately with folks that were on the same

spiritual page as I, and with my therapist.. and did my Alanon work face to face

(Alanon is for family members of active and recovering drunks, and folks that

act like nada and fada)...

> > >

> > > The truth is I have a great husband and son who know who I am, and that I

am now at work on the addictive aspects of my inner self, who still would

appreciate unconditional love from nada, but knows she is not going to get it.

> > >

> > > For now, I am trusting it is best to ignore them. Not answering this

mean-spirited person is quite the trial for many reasons. Occasionally I come up

with both smart replies and ones designed to be boring as if I were dealing with

a man nada.

> > >

> > > I wondered if anyone has experience and insight around how to deal with

such a person or communication. I'm pretty much unprotected, even though this is

a recovery forum! I'd like if it is typical for listserv administrators of

forums related to mental health, to have a completely hands off attitude towards

private correspondence. I've done and said nothing bad to this person, which is

why their righteous forgiveness feels downright weird.

> > >

> > > I am fortunate, I have like-minded fellow travelers in the forum in

question, that are helping me with this, but none are affected by having grown

up with borderline parents.

> > >

> > > I am pretty sure that the person who has attacked me in private had nasty

parents. Hubby took a look at one email and has declared the problem person a

sociopath.

> > >

> > > Has anyone had this happen to them and how on God's green earth did you

deal with it?

> > >

> > > Best,

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

I think I would trust your husband.

That is very validating to have an outside observer say 'this person is

disturbed'.

One thing my therapist enlightened me on was the thing about 'triggers'. How I

get 'triggered'. I was watching Celebrity Rehab where they have to clean the

horse's feet and he said, 'the minute the horse doesn't do what you are telling

it to do you become a kid again, and it triggers feelings'. I guess that is why

they do that exercise.

I am embarassed to admit that until this last few weeks, I really did not fully

understand what a trigger is. I realize I am so full of triggers that I thought

that was just who I am. I think these are sort of the same thing as 'fleas', at

least in my case, reactionary behaviors to a situation in the present, but where

my reactions are from the past. And the trigger is what incites it or brings up

the feeling. But I realize now, I am *not* these triggers. I was just never free

from them. I don't believe I necessarily 'attract'people who are equally

dysfunctional as my parents. But I do believe I am blind to people who are not,

and that our interactions hold no emotional charge, whereas interactions with PD

persons are instantly electric for me, in the manner of " home sweet home " .

This is from my own situation, but it kind of relates to your post and being

triggered by this person and their stalking of you and lunatic comments.

My therapist really shocked me when she said that solely because this situation

with the children was triggering me so severely, that it was cause to leave the

situation. Notwithstanding the players, the events, the welfare of the kids,

etc, etc, anything, but solely just because of my *emotional state* that I was

experiencing in response to this. I don't have to question it or second guess. I

don't have to analyze it, except to gain what clarity I need that it really is

painful to me. I haven't fully accepted her point of view (that modeling for the

kids that when one is an adult they can and should leave abusive situations)

pretty much lets me off the hook and frees me to leave, but I am trying to get

there. But I have never had it presented to me this way, that the emotional

state in me, created by a combination of my feelings as a child, that are

re-stimulated in the present by a person, are enough reason to abandon

it/them/etc forthwith, with no need for permission or further analysis. I am

getting better and better at recognizing triggers, now that I am aware what they

are. I sometimes only recognize it after the fact, but at least it 'get it' now.

I got triggered very badly earlier today. I realize it now...it's interesting to

look at it from the perspective of a trigger now, rather than having to take it

into my being and examine it.

So for me this knew knowledge it more about, 'how is this making me feel

inside', rather than 'what are the facts of the situation, in terms of

right/wrong and what is the state of the person's mental health, etc'. For the

first time in my life, those things are irrelevant, because of the first time I

feel like I have someone, the therapist, present who cares about the little

kid's emotional reaction to what is going on, and realizes that comforting the

little kid and calming them down and giving them reassurance that everything is

okay, is the *most* important thing. I am giving myself, or trying to give

myself, permission to back off, or back away from something, if only for the

simple reason that it just feels " yucky " ...which is a huge change for me. I hope

you will give yourself a break too and let them go...they need help you can't

provide. I know what it is like to be bullied on the internet and someone told

me once that there is a belief in the field of mental health that the internet

has become for many folks an enabler of their disorder/insanity, where they can

just go from one group to the next acting out without ever confronting their

issues in therapy because the internet provides an endless supply of victims or

targets. It sounds like you have encountered one of these 'untreated' folks.

The assertion that you are just like your mother is laughable considering they

don't even know you, much less her, which makes them an abuser since they chose

this comment just because of the sting they knew it would deliver. Hugs.

>

> On another (non-KO) forum, I received a note from a person I'd known for a

long while (that I stayed in correspondence with them is a painful example to me

of how innocent I've been about the need to have good boundaries)...

>

> I'd decided recently that I needed a break from that forum and took my leave

quietly, changing my email address in the process. Unfortunately, my departure

came coincidental with an exchange of emails in which I realized I had finally

had enough of how this person speaks sideways and derogatorily about people very

much like myself.

>

> I left the forum weeks ago....and Occasionally I STILL receive unsolicited

email from this person.

>

> In their last email they have actually delivered one of my most troubling

messages. That I am just like my mom. And that I am addicted to her. And even

more know-it-all wisdom that is judgmental and irritating and shaming (I think).

They think I am sulking. Plus, they seem to think my final email to them, which

was gentle and honest... was horrible and rude. Yet they intimated they want me

back on that forum. (What, for more abuse?)

>

> What do I care about what they think, really....

>

> The truth is that I long ago gave up sharing about my mom in that forum unless

I had the issue resolved (processing with this person around began to feel

intrusive).... I shared privately with folks that were on the same spiritual

page as I, and with my therapist.. and did my Alanon work face to face (Alanon

is for family members of active and recovering drunks, and folks that act like

nada and fada)...

>

> The truth is I have a great husband and son who know who I am, and that I am

now at work on the addictive aspects of my inner self, who still would

appreciate unconditional love from nada, but knows she is not going to get it.

>

> For now, I am trusting it is best to ignore them. Not answering this

mean-spirited person is quite the trial for many reasons. Occasionally I come

up with both smart replies and ones designed to be boring as if I were dealing

with a man nada.

>

> I wondered if anyone has experience and insight around how to deal with such a

person or communication. I'm pretty much unprotected, even though this is a

recovery forum! I'd like if it is typical for listserv administrators of forums

related to mental health, to have a completely hands off attitude towards

private correspondence. I've done and said nothing bad to this person, which is

why their righteous forgiveness feels downright weird.

>

> I am fortunate, I have like-minded fellow travelers in the forum in question,

that are helping me with this, but none are affected by having grown up with

borderline parents.

>

> I am pretty sure that the person who has attacked me in private had nasty

parents. Hubby took a look at one email and has declared the problem person a

sociopath.

>

> Has anyone had this happen to them and how on God's green earth did you deal

with it?

>

> Best,

>

>

[Guest guest]

one more thing...

I don't know if I am interpreting right the question about the listserv but I

have seen examples on political boards where people acted out and private

messages were not private. i don't know about emails shared outside of the

message boards but I have had some of my correspondence shared, by one moderator

of a politica board who was supposed to be above reproach (back in the days when

I trusted more, lol). My belief about that has been 'if they can, they will'

every since. Regardless of what type of board it is, people are human, and the

internet gives people more liscence, because they are anonymous.

>

> On another (non-KO) forum, I received a note from a person I'd known for a

long while (that I stayed in correspondence with them is a painful example to me

of how innocent I've been about the need to have good boundaries)...

>

> I'd decided recently that I needed a break from that forum and took my leave

quietly, changing my email address in the process. Unfortunately, my departure

came coincidental with an exchange of emails in which I realized I had finally

had enough of how this person speaks sideways and derogatorily about people very

much like myself.

>

> I left the forum weeks ago....and Occasionally I STILL receive unsolicited

email from this person.

>

> In their last email they have actually delivered one of my most troubling

messages. That I am just like my mom. And that I am addicted to her. And even

more know-it-all wisdom that is judgmental and irritating and shaming (I think).

They think I am sulking. Plus, they seem to think my final email to them, which

was gentle and honest... was horrible and rude. Yet they intimated they want me

back on that forum. (What, for more abuse?)

>

> What do I care about what they think, really....

>

> The truth is that I long ago gave up sharing about my mom in that forum unless

I had the issue resolved (processing with this person around began to feel

intrusive).... I shared privately with folks that were on the same spiritual

page as I, and with my therapist.. and did my Alanon work face to face (Alanon

is for family members of active and recovering drunks, and folks that act like

nada and fada)...

>

> The truth is I have a great husband and son who know who I am, and that I am

now at work on the addictive aspects of my inner self, who still would

appreciate unconditional love from nada, but knows she is not going to get it.

>

> For now, I am trusting it is best to ignore them. Not answering this

mean-spirited person is quite the trial for many reasons. Occasionally I come

up with both smart replies and ones designed to be boring as if I were dealing

with a man nada.

>

> I wondered if anyone has experience and insight around how to deal with such a

person or communication. I'm pretty much unprotected, even though this is a

recovery forum! I'd like if it is typical for listserv administrators of forums

related to mental health, to have a completely hands off attitude towards

private correspondence. I've done and said nothing bad to this person, which is

why their righteous forgiveness feels downright weird.

>

> I am fortunate, I have like-minded fellow travelers in the forum in question,

that are helping me with this, but none are affected by having grown up with

borderline parents.

>

> I am pretty sure that the person who has attacked me in private had nasty

parents. Hubby took a look at one email and has declared the problem person a

sociopath.

>

> Has anyone had this happen to them and how on God's green earth did you deal

with it?

>

> Best,

>

>