Guest guest Posted July 13, 2011 Report Share Posted July 13, 2011 My nada arrives early next week. She gets in late one evening, is here for three days, then leaves earlyish on day five. We've had two decent visits of about this length, but it's been a few years and my infant is now a rambunctious toddler. She will be staying in our guest house and I have activities planned for each morning - things we usually do, things in public. After lunch, my son naps - and I nap also - so she has built-in time alone. We will either eat out each night (countless fights have begun regarding meal preparation...) or we will grill - and it is hotter than the surface of the sun outside, so she won't get involved in that. She has been lobbying (and raging) about keeping my son alone since before I was married, but I've told her my son is going through a phase where he doesn't want to be out of my sight. (Not true, but convenient). She has a mini fridge, a coffee maker, special water (ours " makes her sick " because it couldn't POSSIBLY be the crap she takes for snacks on the plane - dried apricots, string cheese and I KID YOU NOT - pepperoni). It will be spotlessly clean. I have an escape plan for the house and car, and I had an emergency eject seat installed in the car as well. JK. I'm programming the number for a local cab company in my phone. I'm going to practice saying various phrases like, " No, thanks, Mom. We can all play together, " in the mirror as well as, " Mom, you can't act like this here. Go pack and I'll call you a cab. " Now, would someone just remind me, that if she blows - which she might because that's what she does - THAT IT IS NOT MY FAULT?!? Even if I didn't do all this stuff?!? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 13, 2011 Report Share Posted July 13, 2011 You need a reminder that whatever she does is not your fault? Please consider yourself reminded. You have no control over her behavior and you've obviously tried your best to arrange this visit with her needs in mind. You can't do any more than that. Giving in to whatever other demands she makes probably won't make her happy anyway, so stick to your guns and do things in ways that work for you. If she wants to have a bad visit and be unhappy, that's her problem and is not your fault. At 07:33 PM 07/13/2011 kimberj103 wrote: >My nada arrives early next week. She gets in late one evening, >is here for three days, then leaves earlyish on day five. We've >had two decent visits of about this length, but it's been a few >years and my infant is now a rambunctious toddler. > >She will be staying in our guest house and I have activities >planned for each morning - things we usually do, things in >public. After lunch, my son naps - and I nap also - so she has >built-in time alone. We will either eat out each night >(countless fights have begun regarding meal preparation...) or >we will grill - and it is hotter than the surface of the sun >outside, so she won't get involved in that. She has been >lobbying (and raging) about keeping my son alone since before I >was married, but I've told her my son is going through a phase >where he doesn't want to be out of my sight. (Not true, but >convenient). She has a mini fridge, a coffee maker, special >water (ours " makes her sick " because it couldn't POSSIBLY be >the crap she takes for snacks on the plane - dried apricots, >string cheese and I KID YOU NOT - pepperoni). It will be >spotlessly clean. I have an escape plan for the house and car, >and I had an emergency eject seat installed in the car as well. >JK. I'm programming the number for a local cab company in my >phone. I'm going to practice saying various phrases like, " No, >thanks, Mom. We can all play together, " in the mirror as well >as, " Mom, you can't act like this here. Go pack and I'll call >you a cab. " > >Now, would someone just remind me, that if she blows - which >she might because that's what she does - THAT IT IS NOT MY >FAULT?!? Even if I didn't do all this stuff?!? -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 13, 2011 Report Share Posted July 13, 2011 Hi It's Not Your Fault It's Not Your Fault It's Not Your Fault!!!! I have the same feeling, no matter how much I do, I blame myself when she gets upset. But her feelings are her responsibility, not yours. I find it helpful to visualize in my head two things: 1. the visit going well and everybody having a nice time. 2. If things go wrong, how will I react? I like to imagine myself being calm and not rattled and not getting upset just because someone else is pushing my buttons. Good luck -Terri > > My nada arrives early next week. She gets in late one evening, is here for three days, then leaves earlyish on day five. We've had two decent visits of about this length, but it's been a few years and my infant is now a rambunctious toddler. > > She will be staying in our guest house and I have activities planned for each morning - things we usually do, things in public. After lunch, my son naps - and I nap also - so she has built-in time alone. We will either eat out each night (countless fights have begun regarding meal preparation...) or we will grill - and it is hotter than the surface of the sun outside, so she won't get involved in that. She has been lobbying (and raging) about keeping my son alone since before I was married, but I've told her my son is going through a phase where he doesn't want to be out of my sight. (Not true, but convenient). She has a mini fridge, a coffee maker, special water (ours " makes her sick " because it couldn't POSSIBLY be the crap she takes for snacks on the plane - dried apricots, string cheese and I KID YOU NOT - pepperoni). It will be spotlessly clean. I have an escape plan for the house and car, and I had an emergency eject seat installed in the car as well. JK. I'm programming the number for a local cab company in my phone. I'm going to practice saying various phrases like, " No, thanks, Mom. We can all play together, " in the mirror as well as, " Mom, you can't act like this here. Go pack and I'll call you a cab. " > > Now, would someone just remind me, that if she blows - which she might because that's what she does - THAT IT IS NOT MY FAULT?!? Even if I didn't do all this stuff?!? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 13, 2011 Report Share Posted July 13, 2011 You are awesome! I admire your advance preparations, both physical and emotional, and your determination to try and make the visit happen as smoothly as possible in spite of nada's negative, balky, uncooperative, demanding, critical, childish behaviors. Your advance plan to just leave if you need to, or have nada taken by cab back to the airport if necessary, shows excellent foresight. You have taken charge, you are being proactive and basically handling this with much adult grace and style. I salute you! Here's hoping that nada behaves herself and you all have a good visit together; I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. The longest my nada and I could be around each other without her starting in on me (or me getting on her nerves, or us getting on each other's nerves) is about 48 hours. -Annie > > My nada arrives early next week. She gets in late one evening, is here for three days, then leaves earlyish on day five. We've had two decent visits of about this length, but it's been a few years and my infant is now a rambunctious toddler. > > She will be staying in our guest house and I have activities planned for each morning - things we usually do, things in public. After lunch, my son naps - and I nap also - so she has built-in time alone. We will either eat out each night (countless fights have begun regarding meal preparation...) or we will grill - and it is hotter than the surface of the sun outside, so she won't get involved in that. She has been lobbying (and raging) about keeping my son alone since before I was married, but I've told her my son is going through a phase where he doesn't want to be out of my sight. (Not true, but convenient). She has a mini fridge, a coffee maker, special water (ours " makes her sick " because it couldn't POSSIBLY be the crap she takes for snacks on the plane - dried apricots, string cheese and I KID YOU NOT - pepperoni). It will be spotlessly clean. I have an escape plan for the house and car, and I had an emergency eject seat installed in the car as well. JK. I'm programming the number for a local cab company in my phone. I'm going to practice saying various phrases like, " No, thanks, Mom. We can all play together, " in the mirror as well as, " Mom, you can't act like this here. Go pack and I'll call you a cab. " > > Now, would someone just remind me, that if she blows - which she might because that's what she does - THAT IT IS NOT MY FAULT?!? Even if I didn't do all this stuff?!? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 14, 2011 Report Share Posted July 14, 2011  it's ALREADY not your fault.  Cassie  To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Wednesday, July 13, 2011 6:33 PM Subject: Countdown begins  My nada arrives early next week. She gets in late one evening, is here for three days, then leaves earlyish on day five. We've had two decent visits of about this length, but it's been a few years and my infant is now a rambunctious toddler. She will be staying in our guest house and I have activities planned for each morning - things we usually do, things in public. After lunch, my son naps - and I nap also - so she has built-in time alone. We will either eat out each night (countless fights have begun regarding meal preparation...) or we will grill - and it is hotter than the surface of the sun outside, so she won't get involved in that. She has been lobbying (and raging) about keeping my son alone since before I was married, but I've told her my son is going through a phase where he doesn't want to be out of my sight. (Not true, but convenient). She has a mini fridge, a coffee maker, special water (ours " makes her sick " because it couldn't POSSIBLY be the crap she takes for snacks on the plane - dried apricots, string cheese and I KID YOU NOT - pepperoni). It will be spotlessly clean. I have an escape plan for the house and car, and I had an emergency eject seat installed in the car as well. JK. I'm programming the number for a local cab company in my phone. I'm going to practice saying various phrases like, " No, thanks, Mom. We can all play together, " in the mirror as well as, " Mom, you can't act like this here. Go pack and I'll call you a cab. " Now, would someone just remind me, that if she blows - which she might because that's what she does - THAT IT IS NOT MY FAULT?!? Even if I didn't do all this stuff?!? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 14, 2011 Report Share Posted July 14, 2011 Dear Kimberj, A long time ago, long before you were born, your mother learned to act the way she does. It probably helped her cope with some hard things. She was the way she is before she even dreamed of having you. You did not cause her disorder. Once she grew up, she could have learned other ways of dealing with trauma and stress. She could have asked for help to learn how to cope with life and just grown herself up. But she didn't. She expected you to do all the things for her that she should have done for herself, or that her own parents should have done for her long ago. It wasn't fair for her to dump all the responsibility for her happiness or unhappiness on a little child. That was a job that you were not only too small to do, but that every single other human in the entire world is also incapable of doing. The only person who has the power to make your mother happy is your mother. You cannot cure her bad moods or behaviors. Nothing you do or do not do can make her act better. Now that you're an adult, you are doing the kind of work to parent yourself that your mother could have chosen to do for herself. You are learning to acknowledge your limits and communicate boundaries. You have thoughtfully prepared for a visit with the fewest amount of triggers possible, both for her and you. You have created a plan for how to handle any potential outbursts on her part, and practiced what you will say and do. That shows wisdom and maturity. If your mother chooses to allow her moods to escalate out of control, you are prepared to allow her to take responsibility for her own actions by letting her experience their natural consequences. You cannot control what your mother does. You can only control what you do. And it looks like you are doing a good job with that. When your mother misbehaves, when she cries and yells and tells you how awful you are being to her, stop and remember that she isn't capable of telling the truth about that. She is only capable of telling you how she feels about herself, but she doesn't know how to say, " I feel like a failure and I am so overwhelmed! I am a bad girl and deserve to be punished. " She only knows how to say, " You are a horrible person to treat your own mother this way. You must be punished! " She will try to vomit all of her own rancid feelings onto you. But you did not make her sick. You are not rancid, you are not " bad. " It is not your fault that she needs to throw up. She could go to the doctor, she could stop feeding herself spoiled thoughts, but she doesn't. And you have the right not to get puked on, whether she's your mother or not. It is not your fault that your mother is the way she is. It is not your fault that her feelings get hurt so easily. It is not your fault that she sees reality differently than everyone else. It is not your fault that she is so damaged inside. It is not your fault. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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