Guest guest Posted July 13, 2011 Report Share Posted July 13, 2011 Hello everyone, I have been reading here for a while but didn't feel like I had the courage or vocabulary to write yet. I was absorbing so much as the learning curve's very steep and I felt like it would be better to take in information before sharing my experiences, as I needed time to process everything and adjust to these new realizations. It's been eye-opening to say the least. I had been NC for a year and a half before I even knew about BPD and put all the pieces together with the help of my therapist about six months ago. It was he who actually suggested it to me and when I looked it up, I was astounded I hadn't known about it before then. I'd looked up everything or what I thought was everything that might fit my mother's behavior: bipolar, depression, alcoholism, multiple personality disorder, but somehow BPD went under the radar and despite quite a bit of research, I hadn't encountered it anywhere else before. Reading here is difficult at times, but overall strengthening and validating. I am so glad I am not alone. There is so little actual support in my real life: my father is a dishrag, there are plenty of flying monkeys, and very few if any friends or family actually get it and understand what I've been through, however good their intentions may be or however much they may have wanted to understand. This is the first place where I have found other people who are NC and the knowledge that there are other people out there who have made the same decision is invaluable. For the first time I don't feel like a bad person for making decisions to protect myself. For so long I thought I was the crazy one because everyone told me that I was a bad daughter for taking a stand and not wanting to take abuse anymore. Literally not a single person stood up for me and as heart-breaking as that was for a couple years, it does not make me sad anymore. I am beginning to understand things better than ever before and it isn't my job to make anyone else understand because they won't. I no longer feel like I have to defend or explain myself because I haven't done anything wrong. I knew that at an intellectual level for a while but it took a long time for it to sink in emotionally and mentally, to actually feel safe in my skin and feel good about myself. It's still a tenuous path and I certainly have a lot of bad days, but it's been a revelation to discover that a lot of my sadness is not innate to me but rather to my situation which I can separate myself from. I'm also learning about projection and how it's a tool that's been used in my family and wow that is starting to explain a lot too. I look forward to reading more as this is a type of learning I've never quite experienced before. It's not in a classroom, but boy has it taught me more than a lot of formal and informal education and is starting to correct some of my thinking in what was a very sick family system. I've found it's more difficult to unlearn things and relearn the healthy version than it was to learn the original false but incredibly convincing things I was taught, but I guess when you're living in Oz, you don't know anything else. thanks, littlepurplesticker Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 13, 2011 Report Share Posted July 13, 2011 Hi and welcome I love love love your name littlepurplesticker On Wed, Jul 13, 2011 at 7:34 PM, little purplesticker < littlepurplesticker@...> wrote: > ** > > > Hello everyone, > > I have been reading here for a while but didn't feel like I had the courage > or vocabulary to write yet. I was absorbing so much as the learning curve's > very steep and I felt like it would be better to take in information before > sharing my experiences, as I needed time to process everything and adjust > to > these new realizations. It's been eye-opening to say the least. > > I had been NC for a year and a half before I even knew about BPD and put > all > the pieces together with the help of my therapist about six months ago. It > was he who actually suggested it to me and when I looked it up, I was > astounded I hadn't known about it before then. I'd looked up everything or > what I thought was everything that might fit my mother's behavior: bipolar, > depression, alcoholism, multiple personality disorder, but somehow BPD went > under the radar and despite quite a bit of research, I hadn't encountered > it > anywhere else before. > > Reading here is difficult at times, but overall strengthening and > validating. I am so glad I am not alone. There is so little actual support > in my real life: my father is a dishrag, there are plenty of flying > monkeys, > and very few if any friends or family actually get it and understand what > I've been through, however good their intentions may be or however much > they > may have wanted to understand. This is the first place where I have found > other people who are NC and the knowledge that there are other people out > there who have made the same decision is invaluable. For the first time I > don't feel like a bad person for making decisions to protect myself. For so > long I thought I was the crazy one because everyone told me that I was a > bad > daughter for taking a stand and not wanting to take abuse anymore. > Literally > not a single person stood up for me and as heart-breaking as that was for a > couple years, it does not make me sad anymore. I am beginning to understand > things better than ever before and it isn't my job to make anyone else > understand because they won't. I no longer feel like I have to defend or > explain myself because I haven't done anything wrong. I knew that at an > intellectual level for a while but it took a long time for it to sink in > emotionally and mentally, to actually feel safe in my skin and feel good > about myself. It's still a tenuous path and I certainly have a lot of bad > days, but it's been a revelation to discover that a lot of my sadness is > not > innate to me but rather to my situation which I can separate myself from. > I'm also learning about projection and how it's a tool that's been used in > my family and wow that is starting to explain a lot too. > > I look forward to reading more as this is a type of learning I've never > quite experienced before. It's not in a classroom, but boy has it taught me > more than a lot of formal and informal education and is starting to correct > some of my thinking in what was a very sick family system. I've found it's > more difficult to unlearn things and relearn the healthy version than it > was > to learn the original false but incredibly convincing things I was taught, > but I guess when you're living in Oz, you don't know anything else. > > thanks, > littlepurplesticker > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 13, 2011 Report Share Posted July 13, 2011 telling your story takes a tremendous amount of courage.  you are not alone anymore.   Cassie  ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Wednesday, July 13, 2011 8:34 PM Subject: New To Writing  Hello everyone, I have been reading here for a while but didn't feel like I had the courage or vocabulary to write yet. I was absorbing so much as the learning curve's very steep and I felt like it would be better to take in information before sharing my experiences, as I needed time to process everything and adjust to these new realizations. It's been eye-opening to say the least. I had been NC for a year and a half before I even knew about BPD and put all the pieces together with the help of my therapist about six months ago. It was he who actually suggested it to me and when I looked it up, I was astounded I hadn't known about it before then. I'd looked up everything or what I thought was everything that might fit my mother's behavior: bipolar, depression, alcoholism, multiple personality disorder, but somehow BPD went under the radar and despite quite a bit of research, I hadn't encountered it anywhere else before. Reading here is difficult at times, but overall strengthening and validating. I am so glad I am not alone. There is so little actual support in my real life: my father is a dishrag, there are plenty of flying monkeys, and very few if any friends or family actually get it and understand what I've been through, however good their intentions may be or however much they may have wanted to understand. This is the first place where I have found other people who are NC and the knowledge that there are other people out there who have made the same decision is invaluable. For the first time I don't feel like a bad person for making decisions to protect myself. For so long I thought I was the crazy one because everyone told me that I was a bad daughter for taking a stand and not wanting to take abuse anymore. Literally not a single person stood up for me and as heart-breaking as that was for a couple years, it does not make me sad anymore. I am beginning to understand things better than ever before and it isn't my job to make anyone else understand because they won't. I no longer feel like I have to defend or explain myself because I haven't done anything wrong. I knew that at an intellectual level for a while but it took a long time for it to sink in emotionally and mentally, to actually feel safe in my skin and feel good about myself. It's still a tenuous path and I certainly have a lot of bad days, but it's been a revelation to discover that a lot of my sadness is not innate to me but rather to my situation which I can separate myself from. I'm also learning about projection and how it's a tool that's been used in my family and wow that is starting to explain a lot too. I look forward to reading more as this is a type of learning I've never quite experienced before. It's not in a classroom, but boy has it taught me more than a lot of formal and informal education and is starting to correct some of my thinking in what was a very sick family system. I've found it's more difficult to unlearn things and relearn the healthy version than it was to learn the original false but incredibly convincing things I was taught, but I guess when you're living in Oz, you don't know anything else. thanks, littlepurplesticker Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 13, 2011 Report Share Posted July 13, 2011 Hi and glad to see you writing in! I didn't know about it either until my T pointed it out. Glad you are here and hope to hear more from you, especially since you have been NC longer than I. I hope you will have more courage to share your wisdom and experiences. ~~Velvet_Tears74~~ Whatever it takes..... From: WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of little purplesticker Sent: Wednesday, July 13, 2011 8:34 PM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: New To Writing Hello everyone, I have been reading here for a while but didn't feel like I had the courage or vocabulary to write yet. I was absorbing so much as the learning curve's very steep and I felt like it would be better to take in information before sharing my experiences, as I needed time to process everything and adjust to these new realizations. It's been eye-opening to say the least. I had been NC for a year and a half before I even knew about BPD and put all the pieces together with the help of my therapist about six months ago. It was he who actually suggested it to me and when I looked it up, I was astounded I hadn't known about it before then. I'd looked up everything or what I thought was everything that might fit my mother's behavior: bipolar, depression, alcoholism, multiple personality disorder, but somehow BPD went under the radar and despite quite a bit of research, I hadn't encountered it anywhere else before. Reading here is difficult at times, but overall strengthening and validating. I am so glad I am not alone. There is so little actual support in my real life: my father is a dishrag, there are plenty of flying monkeys, and very few if any friends or family actually get it and understand what I've been through, however good their intentions may be or however much they may have wanted to understand. This is the first place where I have found other people who are NC and the knowledge that there are other people out there who have made the same decision is invaluable. For the first time I don't feel like a bad person for making decisions to protect myself. For so long I thought I was the crazy one because everyone told me that I was a bad daughter for taking a stand and not wanting to take abuse anymore. Literally not a single person stood up for me and as heart-breaking as that was for a couple years, it does not make me sad anymore. I am beginning to understand things better than ever before and it isn't my job to make anyone else understand because they won't. I no longer feel like I have to defend or explain myself because I haven't done anything wrong. I knew that at an intellectual level for a while but it took a long time for it to sink in emotionally and mentally, to actually feel safe in my skin and feel good about myself. It's still a tenuous path and I certainly have a lot of bad days, but it's been a revelation to discover that a lot of my sadness is not innate to me but rather to my situation which I can separate myself from. I'm also learning about projection and how it's a tool that's been used in my family and wow that is starting to explain a lot too. I look forward to reading more as this is a type of learning I've never quite experienced before. It's not in a classroom, but boy has it taught me more than a lot of formal and informal education and is starting to correct some of my thinking in what was a very sick family system. I've found it's more difficult to unlearn things and relearn the healthy version than it was to learn the original false but incredibly convincing things I was taught, but I guess when you're living in Oz, you don't know anything else. thanks, littlepurplesticker Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 14, 2011 Report Share Posted July 14, 2011 thanks so much, this is so close to my story as well, I related to every word of it. It is coming very close to the same situation for me and actually I feel like i am surrounded by sharks approaching from every direction and I can hear the Jaws theme playing. Thanks for sharing your story and I hope you will keep posting because this is a great place to get support. > > Hello everyone, > > I have been reading here for a while but didn't feel like I had the courage > or vocabulary to write yet. I was absorbing so much as the learning curve's > very steep and I felt like it would be better to take in information before > sharing my experiences, as I needed time to process everything and adjust to > these new realizations. It's been eye-opening to say the least. > > I had been NC for a year and a half before I even knew about BPD and put all > the pieces together with the help of my therapist about six months ago. It > was he who actually suggested it to me and when I looked it up, I was > astounded I hadn't known about it before then. I'd looked up everything or > what I thought was everything that might fit my mother's behavior: bipolar, > depression, alcoholism, multiple personality disorder, but somehow BPD went > under the radar and despite quite a bit of research, I hadn't encountered it > anywhere else before. > > Reading here is difficult at times, but overall strengthening and > validating. I am so glad I am not alone. There is so little actual support > in my real life: my father is a dishrag, there are plenty of flying monkeys, > and very few if any friends or family actually get it and understand what > I've been through, however good their intentions may be or however much they > may have wanted to understand. This is the first place where I have found > other people who are NC and the knowledge that there are other people out > there who have made the same decision is invaluable. For the first time I > don't feel like a bad person for making decisions to protect myself. For so > long I thought I was the crazy one because everyone told me that I was a bad > daughter for taking a stand and not wanting to take abuse anymore. Literally > not a single person stood up for me and as heart-breaking as that was for a > couple years, it does not make me sad anymore. I am beginning to understand > things better than ever before and it isn't my job to make anyone else > understand because they won't. I no longer feel like I have to defend or > explain myself because I haven't done anything wrong. I knew that at an > intellectual level for a while but it took a long time for it to sink in > emotionally and mentally, to actually feel safe in my skin and feel good > about myself. It's still a tenuous path and I certainly have a lot of bad > days, but it's been a revelation to discover that a lot of my sadness is not > innate to me but rather to my situation which I can separate myself from. > I'm also learning about projection and how it's a tool that's been used in > my family and wow that is starting to explain a lot too. > > I look forward to reading more as this is a type of learning I've never > quite experienced before. It's not in a classroom, but boy has it taught me > more than a lot of formal and informal education and is starting to correct > some of my thinking in what was a very sick family system. I've found it's > more difficult to unlearn things and relearn the healthy version than it was > to learn the original false but incredibly convincing things I was taught, > but I guess when you're living in Oz, you don't know anything else. > > thanks, > littlepurplesticker > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 14, 2011 Report Share Posted July 14, 2011 Thanks so much to you all. I would be glad to share more as time goes by and my experience is applicable to relevant thread posts. I can be a little shy due to my soul being beaten down for so many years (I don't think I am innately that way, but don't know for sure) so feel free to ask me things as sometimes I don't think to share them on my own or that they're necessarily relevant or helpful to others when they probably actually are. But I've learned so much from this group that I'm sure my writing will somehow contribute, even if in just letting others know they are not alone. It's insane how alone I felt for so long before finding this virtual community. Even Al Anon did not really fit the bill for me, as even though some people find solace there, the alcoholism was just the tip of the iceberg for my mother compared to the BPD and narcissism. I also didn't like the idea that even though there were some dynamic groups in my area, I was discouraged that it seemed to encourage people to stay in relationships that were downright unhealthy if not toxic and that's not something to be encouraged especially in the presence of abuse. There is also a big difference between a spousal relationship and a parent/child relationship and if two people who met as adults and are on equal footing and share equal power choose to stay in a relationship, whatever choices they make are up to them and they face the responsibility of those consequences. With parents and children, there was no equality of power from the beginning. I also don't think twelve steps necessarily apply to KOs as even though they were written for healing and recovery, KOs are not addicts and the only thing they are guilty of needing to recover from is the collateral damage of being raised by immeasurably hurtful and damaging people who were supposed to be the opposite of that (and usually both parents, because let's face it, who in good conscience would marry and procreate with a BPD?). I am facing some difficult choices right now because I was offered a job which in a non-BPD world would not be difficult to think about and I would take without second thought. But the self-doubt I experience on a daily basis is almost paralyzing to the point where taking a position like this seems like committing treason on so many levels. It means abandoning my family and putting my own needs first (even though I don't live with them and have been NC with nada for two years), it means having confidence and knowledge of being able to perform the duties of the position (which I know I can do because I've done projects much harder, but I have no confidence right now due to foo stuff), and that I won't break down and start sobbing in the middle of the day when I should be attending to one of my boss's projects. The self-hate I feel is enormous and pops up anytime I try to exercise ambition or putting myself and my needs first. It seems almost selfish to do these things. That's how messed up I am. And yet I have no idea how to change it or how to get out of these unhealthy thought patterns. Even with therapy it feels like a daunting task. Just to have one easy day would be nice. > ** > > > > thanks so much, this is so close to my story as well, I related to every > word of it. It is coming very close to the same situation for me and > actually I feel like i am surrounded by sharks approaching from every > direction and I can hear the Jaws theme playing. Thanks for sharing your > story and I hope you will keep posting because this is a great place to get > support. > > > > > > Hello everyone, > > > > I have been reading here for a while but didn't feel like I had the > courage > > or vocabulary to write yet. I was absorbing so much as the learning > curve's > > very steep and I felt like it would be better to take in information > before > > sharing my experiences, as I needed time to process everything and adjust > to > > these new realizations. It's been eye-opening to say the least. > > > > I had been NC for a year and a half before I even knew about BPD and put > all > > the pieces together with the help of my therapist about six months ago. > It > > was he who actually suggested it to me and when I looked it up, I was > > astounded I hadn't known about it before then. I'd looked up everything > or > > what I thought was everything that might fit my mother's behavior: > bipolar, > > depression, alcoholism, multiple personality disorder, but somehow BPD > went > > under the radar and despite quite a bit of research, I hadn't encountered > it > > anywhere else before. > > > > Reading here is difficult at times, but overall strengthening and > > validating. I am so glad I am not alone. There is so little actual > support > > in my real life: my father is a dishrag, there are plenty of flying > monkeys, > > and very few if any friends or family actually get it and understand what > > I've been through, however good their intentions may be or however much > they > > may have wanted to understand. This is the first place where I have found > > other people who are NC and the knowledge that there are other people out > > there who have made the same decision is invaluable. For the first time I > > don't feel like a bad person for making decisions to protect myself. For > so > > long I thought I was the crazy one because everyone told me that I was a > bad > > daughter for taking a stand and not wanting to take abuse anymore. > Literally > > not a single person stood up for me and as heart-breaking as that was for > a > > couple years, it does not make me sad anymore. I am beginning to > understand > > things better than ever before and it isn't my job to make anyone else > > understand because they won't. I no longer feel like I have to defend or > > explain myself because I haven't done anything wrong. I knew that at an > > intellectual level for a while but it took a long time for it to sink in > > emotionally and mentally, to actually feel safe in my skin and feel good > > about myself. It's still a tenuous path and I certainly have a lot of bad > > days, but it's been a revelation to discover that a lot of my sadness is > not > > innate to me but rather to my situation which I can separate myself from. > > I'm also learning about projection and how it's a tool that's been used > in > > my family and wow that is starting to explain a lot too. > > > > I look forward to reading more as this is a type of learning I've never > > quite experienced before. It's not in a classroom, but boy has it taught > me > > more than a lot of formal and informal education and is starting to > correct > > some of my thinking in what was a very sick family system. I've found > it's > > more difficult to unlearn things and relearn the healthy version than it > was > > to learn the original false but incredibly convincing things I was > taught, > > but I guess when you're living in Oz, you don't know anything else. > > > > thanks, > > littlepurplesticker > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 14, 2011 Report Share Posted July 14, 2011 little purplesticker, Welcome. I am fairly new here myself. I think you are very brave and strong for what you have accomplished. I just read your entry below about your coming to terms emotionally with what you have acknowledged intellectually for a while now about your family patterns, and how you have now set limits/boundries to take care of you, no matter what others think. What progress you have made. That is awesome! I am trying to do this myself and so I understand that this is scary, difficult and feels so selfish at times. My mom seems to fit the profile if BP, and my dad died recently. Nada seems to be lashing out more recently and I know it is because dad isn't there to balance things out for nada. She probably feels very abandoned. I feel guilt over how much he must have taken from her that protected the rest of us. And she is so confusing, because sometimes she is so thoughtful, motherly and nuturing and then can sting me with some nasty comment or hurtful inference. I am now just identifying my lack of ever knowing what I want or like. I think I was ignored a lot, did't get the attention I needed. One therapist told me it is like being invisible and that is why I get my feelings hurt now so easily. It is true, I do. But one positive thing is I am an excellent listener and attend to other's feelings. They are really important to me. I just wanted you to know I understand your situation and am so happy for your personal growth and journey. You are not alone. > > > > > > Hello everyone, > > > > > > I have been reading here for a while but didn't feel like I had the > > courage > > > or vocabulary to write yet. I was absorbing so much as the learning > > curve's > > > very steep and I felt like it would be better to take in information > > before > > > sharing my experiences, as I needed time to process everything and adjust > > to > > > these new realizations. It's been eye-opening to say the least. > > > > > > I had been NC for a year and a half before I even knew about BPD and put > > all > > > the pieces together with the help of my therapist about six months ago. > > It > > > was he who actually suggested it to me and when I looked it up, I was > > > astounded I hadn't known about it before then. I'd looked up everything > > or > > > what I thought was everything that might fit my mother's behavior: > > bipolar, > > > depression, alcoholism, multiple personality disorder, but somehow BPD > > went > > > under the radar and despite quite a bit of research, I hadn't encountered > > it > > > anywhere else before. > > > > > > Reading here is difficult at times, but overall strengthening and > > > validating. I am so glad I am not alone. There is so little actual > > support > > > in my real life: my father is a dishrag, there are plenty of flying > > monkeys, > > > and very few if any friends or family actually get it and understand what > > > I've been through, however good their intentions may be or however much > > they > > > may have wanted to understand. This is the first place where I have found > > > other people who are NC and the knowledge that there are other people out > > > there who have made the same decision is invaluable. For the first time I > > > don't feel like a bad person for making decisions to protect myself. For > > so > > > long I thought I was the crazy one because everyone told me that I was a > > bad > > > daughter for taking a stand and not wanting to take abuse anymore. > > Literally > > > not a single person stood up for me and as heart-breaking as that was for > > a > > > couple years, it does not make me sad anymore. I am beginning to > > understand > > > things better than ever before and it isn't my job to make anyone else > > > understand because they won't. I no longer feel like I have to defend or > > > explain myself because I haven't done anything wrong. I knew that at an > > > intellectual level for a while but it took a long time for it to sink in > > > emotionally and mentally, to actually feel safe in my skin and feel good > > > about myself. It's still a tenuous path and I certainly have a lot of bad > > > days, but it's been a revelation to discover that a lot of my sadness is > > not > > > innate to me but rather to my situation which I can separate myself from. > > > I'm also learning about projection and how it's a tool that's been used > > in > > > my family and wow that is starting to explain a lot too. > > > > > > I look forward to reading more as this is a type of learning I've never > > > quite experienced before. It's not in a classroom, but boy has it taught > > me > > > more than a lot of formal and informal education and is starting to > > correct > > > some of my thinking in what was a very sick family system. I've found > > it's > > > more difficult to unlearn things and relearn the healthy version than it > > was > > > to learn the original false but incredibly convincing things I was > > taught, > > > but I guess when you're living in Oz, you don't know anything else. > > > > > > thanks, > > > littlepurplesticker > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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