First time here

July 14, 2011

Hi. It's my first time here. I tried posting last week, but it never got on

the message boards. I have a mother with bpd. I used to believe it was

just(haha just) unmedicated bipolar with npd, but now realize it's so much more.

I've been nc for just over a year. It's been interesting, last time it was so

long was 20 years ago.This time was a different story. I am a grown up and she

was hurting my family. My 5 year old asks all the time if she is still mad at

him. My 15 year old needed therapy to get over his anger about her abuse. It

was a bad situation.

We have lived away from her by at least 400km, and at most 1500km, for 13 years.

But her only normalcy, work, started to give in to her crazy. She was fired for

the 3rd time in a row, and of course couldn't pay her mortgage. Things had been

" good " for a number of years. Good being my good, copasetic. So we suggested

she try to find work in a different city, ours. Dumb dumb dumb. You'd think

I'd know better. My husband suggested she stay with us while she sold her place,

and of course she chose to build here. dumb dumb dumb. I allowed him to

convince me. She tried to wreck our home as well as our family. When her

manipulations and abuse were ignored she began to try to burn down the house, do

major water damage, break my washing machine, put holes in walls...etc etc. i

just kept counting down the days till she left. Finally with 6 days to go, and

telling her no, she couldn't stay another 2 weeks, I broke I couldn't take it

anymore. I told her she had to change the way she was treating all of us (not

the first warning, the 6th) or she could leave. She rip roared right into the

old verbal and pschological abuses. I was good. I quietly told her 3 times

that I was no longer a child, she couldn't treat me like that anymore.

Especially in my own home. She continued. I told her she had to leave. I

haven't spoken with her since. She has " dropped by " my children's school to

ambush them, ambushed me with the latest love interst (too many to count), and

tried to send gifts.

I am so dumb! Now she lives not only in my city, but in my area! She texted me

that her counsellor would like to meet with me too. My limits were she had to be

in a non-religious oriented counselling before I would meet her. It is a

religious counsellor, but i thought I'd go anyway. I'm getting a little nervous

about it. I want to preserve my limits. I will not allow her to hurt my

children. But I am finished parenting her and being her safety net. I've been

working since i was 7 to pay rent, groceries etc. The stories are way more

involved then I can type here.

Just thought I'd check out some advice and support from the first people I've

ever seen GET IT.

Thanks. All the best to all of you!

July 14, 2011

Hi,

Your first post did appear here, I remember reading it.

I think I responded to it, but, here is a condensed version: I haven't had good

luck with joint therapy with my nada ( " nada " = mom with bpd, for " not a mom " ).

It was just really pointless, an exercise in futility. One of the key issues of

personality disorder is the inability or unwillingness to take personal

responsibility for their own negative behaviors. Those with pds instead feel

justified in their own perceptions, and feel entitled to blame other people for

all their problems. They see themselves as victims and everyone else as the

villains.

Your kids don't deserve to be subjected to more abuse from their bpd

grandmother, it appears to have upset them badly, so, its OK to just decline the

invitation to attend a joint therapy session with your nada.

Its all about your kids now, and what they need. They need you to be strong and

not cave in to pressure to allow your nada more access to you and your family

just " because she's your m-o-o-t-t-h-h-e-e-r-r-r. "

It does not make you a bad human being or a bad daughter to create boundaries to

protect yourself and your kids from further abuse, chaos, hostility and drama.

Just my two cents' worth.

-Annie

>

> Hi. It's my first time here. I tried posting last week, but it never got on

the message boards. I have a mother with bpd. I used to believe it was

just(haha just) unmedicated bipolar with npd, but now realize it's so much more.

> I've been nc for just over a year. It's been interesting, last time it was so

long was 20 years ago.This time was a different story. I am a grown up and she

was hurting my family. My 5 year old asks all the time if she is still mad at

him. My 15 year old needed therapy to get over his anger about her abuse. It

was a bad situation.

> We have lived away from her by at least 400km, and at most 1500km, for 13

years. But her only normalcy, work, started to give in to her crazy. She was

fired for the 3rd time in a row, and of course couldn't pay her mortgage.

Things had been " good " for a number of years. Good being my good, copasetic. So

we suggested she try to find work in a different city, ours. Dumb dumb dumb.

You'd think I'd know better. My husband suggested she stay with us while she

sold her place, and of course she chose to build here. dumb dumb dumb. I

allowed him to convince me. She tried to wreck our home as well as our family.

When her manipulations and abuse were ignored she began to try to burn down the

house, do major water damage, break my washing machine, put holes in walls...etc

etc. i just kept counting down the days till she left. Finally with 6 days to

go, and telling her no, she couldn't stay another 2 weeks, I broke I couldn't

take it anymore. I told her she had to change the way she was treating all of

us (not the first warning, the 6th) or she could leave. She rip roared right

into the old verbal and pschological abuses. I was good. I quietly told her 3

times that I was no longer a child, she couldn't treat me like that anymore.

Especially in my own home. She continued. I told her she had to leave. I

haven't spoken with her since. She has " dropped by " my children's school to

ambush them, ambushed me with the latest love interst (too many to count), and

tried to send gifts.

> I am so dumb! Now she lives not only in my city, but in my area! She texted me

that her counsellor would like to meet with me too. My limits were she had to be

in a non-religious oriented counselling before I would meet her. It is a

religious counsellor, but i thought I'd go anyway. I'm getting a little nervous

about it. I want to preserve my limits. I will not allow her to hurt my

children. But I am finished parenting her and being her safety net. I've been

working since i was 7 to pay rent, groceries etc. The stories are way more

involved then I can type here.

> Just thought I'd check out some advice and support from the first people I've

ever seen GET IT.

> Thanks. All the best to all of you!

>

July 14, 2011

Hi, jngoddess!

>.

> I am so dumb! Now she lives not only in my city, but in my area! She texted me

that her counsellor would like to meet with me too. My limits were she had to be

in a non-religious oriented counselling before I would meet her. It is a

religious counsellor, but i thought I'd go anyway. I'm getting a little nervous

about it. I want to preserve my limits. I will not allow her to hurt my

children. But I >am finished parenting her and being her safety net.

First of all, there's no need to call yourself " dumb. " It seems pretty normal to

me for people to want to help their family. We just ended up with really

immature and dysfunctional family. If ever you think something you did was a

mistake, it's okay to just learn from it and move on without beating yourself

up. The assaults on your character are your mum's job, no use taking over for

her ;-)

Secondly, glad you found the boards. I have found them tremendously helpful. I

am sorry your family has been through so much due to your mother's behavior. I

think it is good that you are focused on taking care of yourself and

establishing and enforcing healthy boundaries.

And finally, re: meeting with her counselor. I can understand why you would be

feeling anxious about it. Have you thought about speaking with the counselor

privately first, so that you can discuss your concerns about your mother and

offer your perspective? Nothing says you have to meet with your nada right off

the bat. Personally, that is my plan for my own FOO. I am NC with my parents for

about 6 weeks, and told them if they ever seek therapy they can have their

counselor call me. I think even if a counselor does end up calling me someday, I

would still probably wait a minimum of 6 months to a year of mum's individual

treatment before being willing to participate in a therapy conference call.

I hope you continue to find the support you need! Thanks for posting.

Sveta

July 14, 2011

everything in me screams NO! don't go to therapy with her...

a therapist working on bpd with any knowledge of it would be treating her alone

for years probably before involving family in a group setting. someone correct

me if I am wrong about this, but it seems like walking into a trap.

you can tell her that you will find a neutral therapist (one versed in

personality disorders but don't tell her that) and if she wants to attend that

one, so be it. but not one that already knows 'her side' of the story, that is

just asking for professional abuse.

>

> Hi! I just found this group. I grew up believing my mother was bi-polar, and

just happened to be narcisstic, but now realize it is all that and bpd. No

medication ever helps her, if she ever took it regularly. She is a master at

manipulation and my personal black hole of neediness. I've been looking after

her my whole life. Been working since the age of 7 to buy groceries, clothes,

and the rent.

> Recently she lost another job, her third in a row. Used to be that the one

place she could normalize was at work, at least somewhat. My family and I have

been happily living at least 400km away from her for 14 years. In this case she

had used up allher options and was going to lose her house, and had no job

prospects. We said she should look into relocating by us, bad bad bad idea. My

husband insisted she stay with us until her house sold and closed where she was

coming from. It ended up being 6 months journey into hell. She upset all my

family, with my oldest son ending up in therapy for his anger towards her. I

finally told her once again her way of being around us had to change, and she

began the age old abuse. Terrible verbal and psychological abuse. She had

already tried to destroy our house, knocked holes in it, water damage, left pans

to burst into flame on stove, wrecked washing machine. An expensive houseguest

to say the least. I put my foot down, told her she couldn't abuse me in my own

home, gave 3 warnings, then told her to leave. Babd bad situation.

> It's been over a year. Now she wants me to show up at her therapist with her.

I'll go, but it's stirring up alot of baggage for me. This has been such a

lovely year. Such a reprieve. Even though she tells people terrible lies about

me, her perspective, I'm okay with it.

> Totally unsure of having her back in my life. The 6 months of her in my home

cannot begin to be enumerated here. I'm sure you all understand. At least I'm

sure some do. I'm looking for understanding or support I guess. I'm no longer

interested in caring for her, I have 3 kids of my own. and I refuse to let her

hurt them, just so she'll get noticed.

>

July 14, 2011

Hi all!Sorry about the double post, I'm totally not a message board pro!!!

Thanks for all the advice!However, I've said I would show. I have an hour for

her before I have to pick up from summer school. I feel I need to show up, not

to stay, not to be abused or manipulated. I don't really know if it will help.

You have all hit the nail right on the head. the demand from me was that she go

to therapy and accept personal responsibility for her actions before I see/speak

with her. I think she's just getting the therapist to see me, especially after

bumping inot my eldest on public transport. Reading your responses really helps

me to remember that I can also leave the therapy if I wish. I am grateful. I

am not hopeful. The meet is on the 19th. If things don't change from nc, that's

great. If they do, it would be with severe limitations.

My biggest hangup is that I have no family. It has been a hard year. My nada

tells lies to and about my sister and i in order to divide and conquer, we are

coming back together a little after 5 years nc. I have not seen my totally evil

sperm donor since he puched me in the face and broke my jaw 20 years ago. My

grandparents are all dead. Now my father in law has issues with me. I guess I

want to feel accepted and lovable, even though I know nada never will. Pathetic

maybe, but truth sometimes is. I guess I can't totally give up any relationship

without a little try?

All I know is that I don't know. and that I appreciate all your comments and

take them in the way they were meant. Thanks.

> >

> > Hi! I just found this group. I grew up believing my mother was bi-polar,

and just happened to be narcisstic, but now realize it is all that and bpd. No

medication ever helps her, if she ever took it regularly. She is a master at

manipulation and my personal black hole of neediness. I've been looking after

her my whole life. Been working since the age of 7 to buy groceries, clothes,

and the rent.

> > Recently she lost another job, her third in a row. Used to be that the one