when does need for validation end??

[Guest guest]

Lately, maybe I'm just feeling vulnerable, I've been needing more and more

validation from others.

you know, like, " No, really, nada really is that bad! Did I tell you what she

did to me last week? " , etc.

When does that stop? And if it's stopped for any of you, that need to be

understood and affirmed, HOW did it stop?

[Guest guest]

>

> It is that bad!!! I promise!!!!!!!

>

>

I believe you! I think it's good that you are able to acknowledge that. Also I

hope you know that it doesn't mean anything is wrong with you or that you're

failing at anything (I would have felt like that before T). It just means you

had a crap example for a parent and you've done the best you can with what you

were taught. If you are feeling like this is becoming a crippling problem for

you, it would probably help to ask your T about how to do some self-validating

so that you can gradually reduce your dependence on others.

I still crave validation sometimes, especially from my H. At best, I got mixed

messages from my parents. A lot of criticism and blaming, loads and loads of

invalidating statements. It is ok for me to want to be heard and to have my

opinions and feelings regarded by others as valid. But also with T I learned

that it is okay for me to feel what I feel even if the people around me disagree

or are in a very different mood. I can find ways to soothe myself and manage my

feelings now without expecting others to praise or comfort me out of my bad mood

(whereas I struggled with that before).

I think it would be a good idea to discuss with your T. And, of course, keep

coming here, because we love to validate each other!

Hugs,

Sveta

[Guest guest]

What helped me is writing down my current interactions with my nada, in the

present, plus I started writing a " retro diary " : my childhood memories I've

always had and the memory fragments that would surface from time to time.

Seeing all these memories as a whole, instead of as isolated incidents, let me

see that I wasn't just making things up, that yes, she does say these ugly,

hateful, critical, mean things to me, she does lash out at me, and the physical

abuses of the past are part of this long-term pattern of abuse my nada has

always had. She is a Jekyll and Hyde; she can be nice, kind, nurturing and

motherly but then she can " turn " or instantly trigger into rage, hysterics,

paranoia and delusional behavior.

Start writing. It doesn't matter where you start: with the most recent

encounter or with something from the past, just write it down. Then you will be

your own " enlightened witness " and you'll be able to see the pattern of her

behaviors more clearly.

-Annie

>

> Lately, maybe I'm just feeling vulnerable, I've been needing more and more

validation from others.

>

>

>

> you know, like, " No, really, nada really is that bad! Did I tell you what she

did to me last week? " , etc.

>

> When does that stop? And if it's stopped for any of you, that need to be

understood and affirmed, HOW did it stop?

>

>

[Guest guest]

I don't know when it ends or if it ever does.

I feel like I'm still new to figuring all this out, so it will be awhile for me.

It's so nice to hear someone else say, " Yes, that is/was fucked up and not your

fault. " I don't know that I'll ever tire of hearing that.

>

> Lately, maybe I'm just feeling vulnerable, I've been needing more and more

validation from others.

>

>

>

> you know, like, " No, really, nada really is that bad! Did I tell you what she

did to me last week? " , etc.

>

> When does that stop? And if it's stopped for any of you, that need to be

understood and affirmed, HOW did it stop?

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hasn't gone away for me yet. The best I do is right after seeing her, if she

hasn't ambushed me I feel good. 3-4 weeks later I notice I haven't contacted

them in almost a month and I start wondering if I am ok with them, if I should

call, what she's thinking, etc.

Not knowing what moves you should be doing to keep nada happy still eats up my

serenity, even if I barely talk to her. I have to see her every month or so or

my fear of her becomes all out of proportion.

>

> Lately, maybe I'm just feeling vulnerable, I've been needing more and more

validation from others.

>

> you know, like, " No, really, nada really is that bad! Did I tell you what she

did to me last week? " , etc.

>

> When does that stop? And if it's stopped for any of you, that need to be

understood and affirmed, HOW did it stop?

>

>

[Guest guest]

I can totally relate to what you are saying here!

> >

> > Lately, maybe I'm just feeling vulnerable, I've been needing more and more

validation from others.

> >

> > you know, like, " No, really, nada really is that bad! Did I tell you what

she did to me last week? " , etc.

> >

> > When does that stop?  And if it's stopped for any of you, that need to be

understood and affirmed, HOW did it stop?

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hi,

Wow, I am new here - just joined today - but so many of these posts are speaking

to me already and this one in particular. I am just accepting that my highly

functioning nada either has BPD (I believe she does) or at the very least has

strong BPD like behaviours and I have been reading SWOE. I keep feeling this

depserate need for other people in my life to see how hard it was for me growing

up with a BPD mother and to believe and understand just how bad she is. I always

felt like I was crazy growing up as to the outside world we had the perfect

family and life and my Mum seemed normal and often charming. It kind of helps to

see that this deep need for validation is normal and I would love to know how to

get past this!

Cat

> >

> > Lately, maybe I'm just feeling vulnerable, I've been needing more and more

validation from others.

> >

> > you know, like, " No, really, nada really is that bad! Did I tell you what

she did to me last week? " , etc.

> >

> > When does that stop? And if it's stopped for any of you, that need to be

understood and affirmed, HOW did it stop?

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

don't worry, when you are ready you will. .. just be gentle, kind and patient

with yourself..

Subject: Re: when does need for validation end??

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Monday, July 18, 2011, 12:44 PM

Â

Hi,

Wow, I am new here - just joined today - but so many of these posts are speaking

to me already and this one in particular. I am just accepting that my highly

functioning nada either has BPD (I believe she does) or at the very least has

strong BPD like behaviours and I have been reading SWOE. I keep feeling this

depserate need for other people in my life to see how hard it was for me growing

up with a BPD mother and to believe and understand just how bad she is. I always

felt like I was crazy growing up as to the outside world we had the perfect

family and life and my Mum seemed normal and often charming. It kind of helps to

see that this deep need for validation is normal and I would love to know how to

get past this!

Cat

> >

> > Lately, maybe I'm just feeling vulnerable, I've been needing more and more

validation from others.

> >

> > you know, like, " No, really, nada really is that bad! Did I tell you what

she did to me last week? " , etc.

> >

> > When does that stop? Â And if it's stopped for any of you, that need to be

understood and affirmed, HOW did it stop?

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hi Cat,

Welcome, I am still relatively new to the whole BPD thing, although I've

been reading a while, both the books and on here. This listhost is immensely

helpful and you'll find validation here that you won't find anywhere else

which comes in incredibly useful after being told you've been the crazy one

for so many years.

There is no immediate solution for finding validation, but it does get

better. The more you read, the more you understand of how this is outside of

you, not something you created or are imagining, the more you begin to

realize that you are not the crazy one and that slowly begins to sort of

shift your view of the world and makes it a little more fair and

understandable once the onus and sense of blame has been taken off you. I

found SWOE is most useful to people like professionals or a friend or

extended family member or maybe even a partner/spouse who wants to learn

more about BPD, but for someone who has lived with someone and survived

since day 1, birth, with someone with BPD, Surviving a Borderline Parent

offers a finely honed perspective really aimed at someone very close to but

also in a power difference with a Borderline at least as a minor, and how to

survive even as adults. What I like about that book is that it's very

nonjudgemental and doesn't advocate continued contact with the borderline if

that will only cause the adult child more harm and pain. I think that's a

really advanced perspective and it acknowledges that everyone's situation is

different and that it can be different in different life stages.

Anyway, hang in there know it will get better and that you're not alone by

any stretch!

littlepurplesticker

> **

>

>

> I can totally relate to what you are saying here!

>

>

>

> > >

> > > Lately, maybe I'm just feeling vulnerable, I've been needing more and

> more validation from others.

> > >

> > > you know, like, " No, really, nada really is that bad! Did I tell you

> what she did to me last week? " , etc.

> > >

> > > When does that stop? And if it's stopped for any of you, that need to

> be understood and affirmed, HOW did it stop?

> > >

> > >