I feel so alone.

July 14, 2011

A few months ago my BP mom sent me awful emails when my dad left her, blaming me

for him leaving, telling me she wished she had aborted me, and that i was

responsible for her medical problems etc etc. Immediately I realized I had to

block her from all communication, and it has been this way for 2.5 months.

She lives in Australia and I live in the States and she was supposed to meet up

with me over a visit this month. When i told my dad I refused to see her until

she was enrolled in a therapy program she called me and tried every possible way

to manipulate me into saying I would see her, she tried guilt, suicide,

attacking my relationship with my father, finally blaming me again for not

convincing my dad to stay with her- at which point i hung up.

since she's been in the states she's been calling and leaving odd voice mails

just saying things like " i know you wont pick up but I just want to say i love

you " which is so frustrating because i know it's all so fake (usually her vm's

consist of her crying and trying to make me feel guilty) I don't doubt that she

loves me but she could just as easily snap and attack me. So i sent her an email

asking her to stop calling me, asking her to really take time and go to therapy

so we can start fresh and have a healthy relationship. She replied by attacking

me and telling me i was stupid, that i would regret this and that i shouldn't

bother coming to her funeral.

I don't have a question but I just don't want to feel so alone. I feel like i

try so hard to get my point across and also be nurturing because i know she's

sensitive but it seems like things will never really be okay. I mean i'll never

get the end result I want in any way? Because i know a lot of people on here

talk about how horrible their mothers were, and my mother was a lot of things

and it was really hard, but she's also a really good person and i do love her, i

just don't want the poison anymore.

July 14, 2011

Welcome to the Group DistressedDaughter,

The behaviors you've described are all too familiar. I too experienced blaming

and projecting from my bpd mom or " nada. "

That is a core trait or feature of personality disorder. They think their own

subjective perceptions, thoughts and feelings are normal, OK, and reasonable.

That's called an " ego syntonic " state. They either can't or won't take any

personal responsibility for their disordered thoughts, behaviors or words and

instead project their negativity onto others and blame others for all their

problems.

You have insight about this, you understand that its your mother and not you who

is disordered and needs therapy, but it still hurts when she mistreats you and

then says " I love you " .

So, welcome. We KOs, the adult *kids of* bpd parents, have experienced nearly

identical kinds of abuse so we " get it. "

I think you will find a lot of validation and support here, and hopefully some

inner peace and healing too.

-Annie

>

> A few months ago my BP mom sent me awful emails when my dad left her, blaming

me for him leaving, telling me she wished she had aborted me, and that i was

responsible for her medical problems etc etc. Immediately I realized I had to

block her from all communication, and it has been this way for 2.5 months.

>

> She lives in Australia and I live in the States and she was supposed to meet

up with me over a visit this month. When i told my dad I refused to see her

until she was enrolled in a therapy program she called me and tried every

possible way to manipulate me into saying I would see her, she tried guilt,

suicide, attacking my relationship with my father, finally blaming me again for

not convincing my dad to stay with her- at which point i hung up.

>

> since she's been in the states she's been calling and leaving odd voice mails

just saying things like " i know you wont pick up but I just want to say i love

you " which is so frustrating because i know it's all so fake (usually her vm's

consist of her crying and trying to make me feel guilty) I don't doubt that she

loves me but she could just as easily snap and attack me. So i sent her an email

asking her to stop calling me, asking her to really take time and go to therapy

so we can start fresh and have a healthy relationship. She replied by attacking

me and telling me i was stupid, that i would regret this and that i shouldn't

bother coming to her funeral.

>

> I don't have a question but I just don't want to feel so alone. I feel like i

try so hard to get my point across and also be nurturing because i know she's

sensitive but it seems like things will never really be okay. I mean i'll never

get the end result I want in any way? Because i know a lot of people on here

talk about how horrible their mothers were, and my mother was a lot of things

and it was really hard, but she's also a really good person and i do love her, i

just don't want the poison anymore.

>

July 14, 2011

Hi, DD.

I am sorry to hear about all of your mother's abusive behavior. It is

encouraging to hear that you are firm about your boundaries with her. That is

good for you!

I think it's also good that you are able to get past the splitting behavior we

were taught and recognize that your mother has good qualities AND that she is

severely emotionally handicapped (i.e., she's not " all bad " ). It is healthy to

be able to see people as integral beings, with both positive and negative

qualities.

That said, even " good " people are capable of doing horrible abusive things. Like

calling their daughter and threatening suicide or blaming her for the failure of

her marriage. Those things are not okay, and I'm sorry she is treating you this

way. None of her problems are your fault.

You can't control how she feels. I understand trying to be as sensitive as

possible to avoid triggering her, but really it's not your fault. She will find

a reason to be upset with you, no matter how hard you try not to give her one.

I think you are doing the right thing to stick to your boundaries with your mum.

It is best for you and for her. I hope you will continue to find the support you

need here.

Sveta

July 14, 2011

that's what makes it so hard I think....that with a bpd you get both, most of

the time. I think with a psychotic, you'd just get all bad, then you could just

leave. the torture of the bpd is that they sometimes can act a tad bit normal.

and since 'hope springs eternal' our hearts can latch onto that.

my mother ambushed me yesterday unexpectedly and I reacted really strongly. I

know what it is like to feel alone, I felt that so strongly yesterday, why I

react the way that i do, because I always felt so alone because I was ganged up

on and pathologized as a child.

This is the right place to be and to share about those things, it's something

that we all can relate to. Hugs.