Understanding the Borderline Mother

[Guest guest]

I'm reading this book currently and finding it incredibly tough to get through.

I spent a good chunk of time feeling depressed, crying and emotionally

exhausted. Just from reading a book! The subject matter opens up a lot of

childhood wounds not just about nada, but about my father as well (who I think

has a BP wife currently - a huntsman perhaps?).

I can't decide which category my nada fits into though. I think she's a little

bit waif and a little bit hermit, with a streaks of queen and witch at times.

How do you know where yours fits?

[Guest guest]

The same thing happened to me when I read UTBM the first time. I cried a lot.

I couldn't get through more than a couple of pages at a time (if that) before I

felt overwhelmed and couldn't read any more. I had to take a few days to

emotionally absorb and process the bits I'd read because it was so intense and

like you said, it felt like reopening old wounds. It took me a long time to

get through the book too, which felt odd to me because I'm a very fast reader.

But not with this book.

My mother was mostly a Queen and a Witch when my Sister and I were growing up,

then once Sister and I reached adulthood she was mostly a Queen. When dad died,

mom ( " nada " ) became very Waify. Now that she is elderly and experiencing a

rapid decline into psychosis and hallucinations, she is all over the map.

Sometimes she is the pathetic, child-like Waif, sometimes the rational Good Mom,

sometimes the demanding, imperious Queen, and sometimes the physically violent,

raging Witch. My nada has always been very social and outgoing, so she's never

shown the " Hermit " traits or behaviors.

So, the categories aren't meant to be mutually exclusive, just a way of grouping

certain behaviors.

-Annie

>

> I'm reading this book currently and finding it incredibly tough to get

through. I spent a good chunk of time feeling depressed, crying and emotionally

exhausted. Just from reading a book! The subject matter opens up a lot of

childhood wounds not just about nada, but about my father as well (who I think

has a BP wife currently - a huntsman perhaps?).

> I can't decide which category my nada fits into though. I think she's a

little bit waif and a little bit hermit, with a streaks of queen and witch at

times.

> How do you know where yours fits?

>

[Guest guest]

I had the same experience. Very hard to get through, too hard to face certain

feelings.

Mine's (as my email name says) a total hermit and waif. Witch (which she was

more of in younger years) comes out when she's backed into a corner.

>

> I'm reading this book currently and finding it incredibly tough to get

through. I spent a good chunk of time feeling depressed, crying and emotionally

exhausted. Just from reading a book! The subject matter opens up a lot of

childhood wounds not just about nada, but about my father as well (who I think

has a BP wife currently - a huntsman perhaps?).

> I can't decide which category my nada fits into though. I think she's a

little bit waif and a little bit hermit, with a streaks of queen and witch at

times.

> How do you know where yours fits?

>

[Guest guest]

So you have read UTBM more than once? I think I need to read this book. You

mention a sister. Do you see any BPD traits in her or any other family members?

I ask because as I am discovering how my mother seems to fit the BPD

personality, so does my younger sister some. She defiantely feeds into my

mother's Queen and Witch moments (not sure if that is what they are because

haven't read the book, but guessing). When together they are like " mean girls " .

Since my dad died I for the first time am sensing this thing you call waif - I

think.

So glad I found this community.

> >

> > I'm reading this book currently and finding it incredibly tough to get

through. I spent a good chunk of time feeling depressed, crying and emotionally

exhausted. Just from reading a book! The subject matter opens up a lot of

childhood wounds not just about nada, but about my father as well (who I think

has a BP wife currently - a huntsman perhaps?).

> > I can't decide which category my nada fits into though. I think she's a

little bit waif and a little bit hermit, with a streaks of queen and witch at

times.

> > How do you know where yours fits?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I read UTBM all the way through once, then the parts about the Queen and the

Witch again a couple more times. Parts of it felt like I was reading my own

biography, RE the mother-child relationship, and it was hard to take.

Yes, I have one sibling, a younger Sister, and I do not see any bpd traits in

her. Well, except she does tend to be a bit bossy, but then nobody is perfect.

I tend to just isolate myself, sort of like avoidant pd.

But neither of us have the key traits of bpd: the fear of abandonment, the lack

of a core sense of self, the black-and-white thinking, the emotional

instability/frequent, intense mood swings, the hair-trigger inappropriate

extreme rage, the high impulsivity, the self-harming behaviors or suicidality,

the transient psychosis under stress. Nope.

Neither did dad.

Neither does any of our nada's family of origin. In fact, my own mother is the

is the *only* adult, the only person in her foo that I ever saw fly into a

red-faced, screaming, spittle-flying rage-tantrum, or be physically abusive.

So its a mystery to me how that can happen, unless bpd involves recessive genes

pairing up and my nada was just the unlucky one when it was her turn at the

genetic " roulette wheel " . Or maybe she acquired a traumatic brain injury at

some point that was never discovered or reported. Depending on which part of

the brain is injured, tbi can result in some behaviors that resemble bpd.

But my nada's foo seems to be just ordinary, non-pd people and they simply

ignored her when she acted out, almost exclusively at her own older sister whom

she loathed. Auntie the Elder (who is actually a sweet, gentle person like

their mother) just walked away from my nada when nada verbally attacked her.

Nobody ever, ever stood up to my nada and just told her to knock it off and act

like an adult; everyone always walked on eggshells around her.

So, apparently a pd can show up in an otherwise normal family. At the support

groups for those who are raising a child with bpd, that is the most common

situation, it would seem. The posts from parents on those boards will break

your heart; they are eaten up with guilt. These parents are anguished,

believing that they must be responsible for having done something to cause their

beloved child to be so self-destructive and are desperately seeking help for

their family and their bpd child. These parents are often concerned about their

other children who are non-pd, but are suffering from the drama, chaos, fear,

and instability the bpd child in the family is generating.

So, anyway. I hope that answered your questions RE my foo.

-Annie

> > >

> > > I'm reading this book currently and finding it incredibly tough to get

through. I spent a good chunk of time feeling depressed, crying and emotionally

exhausted. Just from reading a book! The subject matter opens up a lot of

childhood wounds not just about nada, but about my father as well (who I think

has a BP wife currently - a huntsman perhaps?).

> > > I can't decide which category my nada fits into though. I think she's a

little bit waif and a little bit hermit, with a streaks of queen and witch at

times.

> > > How do you know where yours fits?

> > >

> >

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