Fantasizing about telling her off

[Guest guest]

Do you ever get tired of trying to think of the textbook answers for your BP?

Do you ever fantasize about just telling your BP parent off, totally unleashing

with the most raw, off the cuff words, whatever comes flying out of your mouth

first?

Just curious if this is a sign I'm about to implode or if others do this, haha.

My nada has stopped calling me. I know I know, I should celebrate and do a happy

dance right? She has only called me twice since Christmas and both times were to

ask me a very business related question (we are removing her from our cell phone

contract) and then she hung up.

The only other contact she has had was the one drama email I got from her a week

or so ago.

So it appears for now she has washed her hands of me.

Maybe that's what she wants. Maybe she is pushing my buttons, driving home the

point that me and my children are nothing more than need gratifying objects so I

will finally give her the reaction she wants, fly off the handle, and give her

that drama she so desperately craves.

Whatever her motive, I just often find myself getting very weary of trying so

hard to think of the " Randi Kreger " answer (no offense) and wish I could just

let her have it.

I know it would accomplish nothing except to get sucked into her vortex of

manipulation and crafty twisting of words and emotionally draining conversation.

But in my fantasy, it feels good to unleash on her. It feels good to tell her

how much she has hurt me and what a piece of garbage excuse she is for a mother.

Thanks for reading. I needed to vent (in case you didn't guess).

[Guest guest]

YES! I think about telling her off all the time. In fact, sometimes, in the

shower, I pretend I am telling her off and I tell her all the mean things that I

know will make her feel bad (and they are true).

I tell her that she was a terrible mother, not even a mother, just a fetus

carrier. I tell her that I don't love her, and that she could never actually

know what real love is, all she knows is life-sucking need. I tell her that

everyone will eventually leave her and she'll be all alone. I tell her that

she's a follower with no brain or identity of her own and that she's pathetic. I

tell her that she dresses like a cat lady and her haircut is so ugly that I

wouldn't put it on a pig. I tell that I wish I was really an orphan so I would

never have to know her.

Geez, it feels good to say all that. Would I ever say it to her face? No. There

would be no point, plus it's cruel. But I think it's really important, either in

a journal or with a therapist or a trusted friend to say all these things aloud

and get them off your chest so you can start healing. I have basically told you

all the things above at one point or another, and the important thing for me was

getting validation about it. That those things were basically true, but there's

nothing I can do about it.

I would almost suggest we use this thread right here as a " flame nada " thread,

but I'm not sure how that would go over. Sadly, I feel like most of the things

we would all say wouldn't really be insults, rather, they would just be plain

facts.

Anyways, no, you are not alone. I think a lot of us have moments where we really

have to bite our tongues or give ourselves a time-out so we don't tell nada off.

>

> Do you ever get tired of trying to think of the textbook answers for your BP?

>

> Do you ever fantasize about just telling your BP parent off, totally

unleashing with the most raw, off the cuff words, whatever comes flying out of

your mouth first?

>

> Just curious if this is a sign I'm about to implode or if others do this,

haha.

>

> My nada has stopped calling me. I know I know, I should celebrate and do a

happy dance right? She has only called me twice since Christmas and both times

were to ask me a very business related question (we are removing her from our

cell phone contract) and then she hung up.

> The only other contact she has had was the one drama email I got from her a

week or so ago.

>

> So it appears for now she has washed her hands of me.

>

> Maybe that's what she wants. Maybe she is pushing my buttons, driving home the

point that me and my children are nothing more than need gratifying objects so I

will finally give her the reaction she wants, fly off the handle, and give her

that drama she so desperately craves.

>

> Whatever her motive, I just often find myself getting very weary of trying so

hard to think of the " Randi Kreger " answer (no offense) and wish I could just

let her have it.

> I know it would accomplish nothing except to get sucked into her vortex of

manipulation and crafty twisting of words and emotionally draining conversation.

>

> But in my fantasy, it feels good to unleash on her. It feels good to tell her

how much she has hurt me and what a piece of garbage excuse she is for a mother.

>

> Thanks for reading. I needed to vent (in case you didn't guess).

>

[Guest guest]

Actually, I think its a very healthy fantasy. Seems to me its demonstrating

that you have allowed yourself to feel the moral outrage, the righteous

indignation that anyone would feel for receiving unfair, unjust, abusive

treatment, and you have gained the self-confidence to wish to have justice for

yourself.

When my nada was still alive I indulged my fantasy desire to do that: really

yell at nada, say out loud all the horrible things she'd done to me over the

years, call her ugly names, etc., etc...in a dream I had. That was about the

most cathartic dream I ever had. I felt so... well, blissed out the morning I

woke up from that dream; almost a euphoric state. And in the dream, nada just

sat there quietly and listened. I got to say my piece uninterrupted; truly a

dream-fantasy. That could never happen in real life. But damn, it sure did

feel good to do it in my dream.

The next best thing is to write it all down on paper; everything you want to say

to your nada in great and excruciating detail. Leave nothing out. Get all that

poison, that toxic waste out of your system.... like lancing an infected boil.

Write it all down, speak the truth, but DO NOT send the letter.

Reading your letter will NOT have a positive effect on nada. It will not result

in her having an epiphany of personal insight; she will not be filled with guilt

or remorse; she will not change the way she sees you or treats you. Instead,

she will use the letter as a weapon, and twist it and misrepresent it in order

to " get you back. "

So, that's my take on it. Write it all down, but DON'T send it to nada; I hope

you will have a wonderful dream about yelling at her; those are awesome.

-Annie

>

> Do you ever get tired of trying to think of the textbook answers for your BP?

>

> Do you ever fantasize about just telling your BP parent off, totally

unleashing with the most raw, off the cuff words, whatever comes flying out of

your mouth first?

>

> Just curious if this is a sign I'm about to implode or if others do this,

haha.

>

> My nada has stopped calling me. I know I know, I should celebrate and do a

happy dance right? She has only called me twice since Christmas and both times

were to ask me a very business related question (we are removing her from our

cell phone contract) and then she hung up.

> The only other contact she has had was the one drama email I got from her a

week or so ago.

>

> So it appears for now she has washed her hands of me.

>

> Maybe that's what she wants. Maybe she is pushing my buttons, driving home the

point that me and my children are nothing more than need gratifying objects so I

will finally give her the reaction she wants, fly off the handle, and give her

that drama she so desperately craves.

>

> Whatever her motive, I just often find myself getting very weary of trying so

hard to think of the " Randi Kreger " answer (no offense) and wish I could just

let her have it.

> I know it would accomplish nothing except to get sucked into her vortex of

manipulation and crafty twisting of words and emotionally draining conversation.

>

> But in my fantasy, it feels good to unleash on her. It feels good to tell her

how much she has hurt me and what a piece of garbage excuse she is for a mother.

>

> Thanks for reading. I needed to vent (in case you didn't guess).

>

[Guest guest]

Hell yeah. Except for me I talk it out when I'm driving in my car (alone). But

I'm sure there are moments when other motorists think I'm a little strange

although not so much these days with bluetooth mobile car kits

LT

>

> Do you ever get tired of trying to think of the textbook answers for your BP?

>

> Do you ever fantasize about just telling your BP parent off, totally

unleashing with the most raw, off the cuff words, whatever comes flying out of

your mouth first?

>

> Just curious if this is a sign I'm about to implode or if others do this,

haha.

>

> My nada has stopped calling me. I know I know, I should celebrate and do a

happy dance right? She has only called me twice since Christmas and both times

were to ask me a very business related question (we are removing her from our

cell phone contract) and then she hung up.

> The only other contact she has had was the one drama email I got from her a

week or so ago.

>

> So it appears for now she has washed her hands of me.

>

> Maybe that's what she wants. Maybe she is pushing my buttons, driving home the

point that me and my children are nothing more than need gratifying objects so I

will finally give her the reaction she wants, fly off the handle, and give her

that drama she so desperately craves.

>

> Whatever her motive, I just often find myself getting very weary of trying so

hard to think of the " Randi Kreger " answer (no offense) and wish I could just

let her have it.

> I know it would accomplish nothing except to get sucked into her vortex of

manipulation and crafty twisting of words and emotionally draining conversation.

>

> But in my fantasy, it feels good to unleash on her. It feels good to tell her

how much she has hurt me and what a piece of garbage excuse she is for a mother.

>

> Thanks for reading. I needed to vent (in case you didn't guess).

>

[Guest guest]

I sort of did tell mine off about one of my issues anyway. this summer. she

never defended me and even actively supported a severe bullying campaign against

me at school for years. her reaction was that she manipulated me into thinking

how wrong I was and that she only ever did loving and pro-active things for me

and that her horribleness was her father's (dead 20 years)for teaching her to

only speak well of people, and my fault.

this horrible experience sent me to therapy, and then I learned all about BPD.

so without further ado here is my rage.

you never got me proper medical care. I may have permanent kidney disease

because of your neglect. I at least have a medical condition that is advanced

past where it is normal to be because you fought against me instead of helping

me. you made it so I am an emotional mess every time I try to receive treatment.

you even STILL think there is nothing really wrong with me. I needed help so

many times. I had bad reactions to bug bites, and never saw a doctor. you tried

to bully me into going to school with appendicitis. I tried but was too sick,

and then I spent 18 hrs in the same spot on the couch unable to eat, drink or

anything else, all the while being bullied by the whole family for my laziness.

you made me go to school with the flu. I passed out and puked in front of the

whole class before you would believe I was sick. then you left me at school for

another 45 min. because that was convenient for you.

mothers are supposed to care what there kids want and like. mothers are supposed

to sympathize with their kids when they have their feelings hurt. not gaslight

them and tell them they " have a chip on their shoulder " not defend the bullies,

not set me up both physically and mentally to take more.

mothers should not compete and be jealous with their daughters. you should be

happy when I succeed. you should not undermine and belittle my life. please be

happy for me and stop telling me you are " so proud " after sweetly telling me how

hard it must be to keep up with my life. you are a liar. you only tell me that

garbage because you think you need to jump through hoops to be the " mom " you

assume you are.

well I have news for you. you are not that person. you are neglectful, jealous,

vindictive and competitive in sick sick ways. you try to control our lives to

make us the poster children and give you " braggable " stories, and support your

sick fantasy that your family is " perfect " you forbid " contention " to the point

that everyone around you becomes a festering ball of frustration, and grow to

hate our feelings. you fail to realize that resolving conflict is not evil it is

necessary. conflict is not a sign of evil, weakness, and " sensitivity " it is an

honest look at the real world, and ignoring that anyone but you has feelings is

a horrible way to run a family.

I hate the way you set up a pecking order in the family to keep me in line. lord

of the flies was what it was like living in such a family only worse in some

ways because you the adult re-enforced the bad behavior.

I hate the image of me you forced on most of the family. many of them think I am

a second class citizen. what did I ever do to you?

mothers are supposed to support, encourage, and love their children. not

undermine, compete, mock and pretend to love and care.

you need to take a closer look at your crap excuse for relationships before you

continue to tell the world about your " perfect " family. your life is a lie.

> >

> > Do you ever get tired of trying to think of the textbook answers for your

BP?

> >

> > Do you ever fantasize about just telling your BP parent off, totally

unleashing with the most raw, off the cuff words, whatever comes flying out of

your mouth first?

> >

> > Just curious if this is a sign I'm about to implode or if others do this,

haha.

> >

> > My nada has stopped calling me. I know I know, I should celebrate and do a

happy dance right? She has only called me twice since Christmas and both times

were to ask me a very business related question (we are removing her from our

cell phone contract) and then she hung up.

> > The only other contact she has had was the one drama email I got from her a

week or so ago.

> >

> > So it appears for now she has washed her hands of me.

> >

> > Maybe that's what she wants. Maybe she is pushing my buttons, driving home

the point that me and my children are nothing more than need gratifying objects

so I will finally give her the reaction she wants, fly off the handle, and give

her that drama she so desperately craves.

> >

> > Whatever her motive, I just often find myself getting very weary of trying

so hard to think of the " Randi Kreger " answer (no offense) and wish I could just

let her have it.

> > I know it would accomplish nothing except to get sucked into her vortex of

manipulation and crafty twisting of words and emotionally draining conversation.

> >

> > But in my fantasy, it feels good to unleash on her. It feels good to tell

her how much she has hurt me and what a piece of garbage excuse she is for a

mother.

> >

> > Thanks for reading. I needed to vent (in case you didn't guess).

> >

>

[Guest guest]

That is an awesome and formidable letter of rage. How shockingly unfair that

you had to endure those tortures *from your own mother*: and I DO consider that

level of abuse to be deliberate torture that is the hallmark of psychopaths and

criminal child abusers.

Your mother should have done jail time for medically neglecting you and

emotionally torturing you on top of it. Your courage and strength of character

in the face of such treatment is a testament to the human spirit. Children

subjected to chronic abuse and neglect from their own family as you were can

easily descend into suicidal despair, can go the route of drug addiction, turn

violent, or evidence similar sadistic psychopathic behaviors as adults

themselves. You survived with your humanity intact; you are a kind of walking

miracle.

It says to me that mistreatment alone does not make someone mentally ill and a

sadistic bully; something inside you remained human, compassionate and

empathetic despite being literally tortured by your own mother and siblings when

you were most vulnerable and dependent. My most fervent wish is that the cause

and cure for hideous mental illnesses like psychopathy and personality disorder

will be discovered sooner rather than later.

-Annie

> > >

> > > Do you ever get tired of trying to think of the textbook answers for your

BP?

> > >

> > > Do you ever fantasize about just telling your BP parent off, totally

unleashing with the most raw, off the cuff words, whatever comes flying out of

your mouth first?

> > >

> > > Just curious if this is a sign I'm about to implode or if others do this,

haha.

> > >

> > > My nada has stopped calling me. I know I know, I should celebrate and do a

happy dance right? She has only called me twice since Christmas and both times

were to ask me a very business related question (we are removing her from our

cell phone contract) and then she hung up.

> > > The only other contact she has had was the one drama email I got from her

a week or so ago.

> > >

> > > So it appears for now she has washed her hands of me.

> > >

> > > Maybe that's what she wants. Maybe she is pushing my buttons, driving home

the point that me and my children are nothing more than need gratifying objects

so I will finally give her the reaction she wants, fly off the handle, and give

her that drama she so desperately craves.

> > >

> > > Whatever her motive, I just often find myself getting very weary of trying

so hard to think of the " Randi Kreger " answer (no offense) and wish I could just

let her have it.

> > > I know it would accomplish nothing except to get sucked into her vortex of

manipulation and crafty twisting of words and emotionally draining conversation.

> > >

> > > But in my fantasy, it feels good to unleash on her. It feels good to tell

her how much she has hurt me and what a piece of garbage excuse she is for a

mother.

> > >

> > > Thanks for reading. I needed to vent (in case you didn't guess).

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

<<it would accomplish nothing except to get sucked into her vortex of

manipulation and crafty twisting of words and emotionally draining

conversation...But in my fantasy, it feels good to unleash on her. It feels good

to tell her how much she has hurt ...>>

Â

I think it would not accomplish anything meaningful to you. Recall a BPD

nada seeks to transfer or displace or vent her own angry feelings away from

herself by giving them to you, as her target. For you to vent and tell her

how much she has hurt, for you to react with  angry words  only telegraphs

" victory " to her. The best way for you to win here is not to react with raw

words.

Â

The best strategy is not to play, to stay out of her vortex of manipulation and

crafty twisting of words and emotionally draining conversation because she

just feeds on this.Â

Â

Amongst other things she'd do, my nada always sought to push my buttons to get

an angry or hurt or disconcerting reaction then she'd gloat she'd got my goat Â

in so doing and mock me. Any complaints about her behaviour or trying to

reason with her would be met withy derision, a mocking " ahhhhhhh [poor baby] " ,

the suggestion IÂ had " a chip on my shoulder " Â or that, in effect, I needed toÂ

" cowboy up " (as the saying goes). Â

Â

Once, she stated she was doing all this as a big favour so I'd  learn and

so people wouldn't get my goat! (Why she sought to teach me this lessonÂ

during a family gathering the night before I was getting married was elusiveÂ

until I read SWOE. It was her angry envy and jealousy that my life was about to

blossom, coupled with feeding  her need to shift her own feelings away from

herself.)Â Â

Â

After a lifetime of her vortex of manipulation and crafty twisting of words and

events and emotionally draining repetitive attempts to help, assist, and

appease her, often about the same recycled issues, I went NC. As another

person wrote on this user group yesterday, " the BPD wants what they want, when

they want it, and they'll try everything in their power to wear you down until

they get it. "   Whether you play to win or to play not to lose, the best

strategy is not to play her game at all.

Â

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Saturday, January 28, 2012 6:06 PM

Subject: Fantasizing about telling her off

Â

Do you ever get tired of trying to think of the textbook answers for your BP?

Do you ever fantasize about just telling your BP parent off, totally unleashing

with the most raw, off the cuff words, whatever comes flying out of your mouth

first?

Just curious if this is a sign I'm about to implode or if others do this, haha.

My nada has stopped calling me. I know I know, I should celebrate and do a happy

dance right? She has only called me twice since Christmas and both times were to

ask me a very business related question (we are removing her from our cell phone

contract) and then she hung up.

The only other contact she has had was the one drama email I got from her a week

or so ago.

So it appears for now she has washed her hands of me.

Maybe that's what she wants. Maybe she is pushing my buttons, driving home the

point that me and my children are nothing more than need gratifying objects so I

will finally give her the reaction she wants, fly off the handle, and give her

that drama she so desperately craves.

Whatever her motive, I just often find myself getting very weary of trying so

hard to think of the " Randi Kreger " answer (no offense) and wish I could just

let her have it.

I know it would accomplish nothing except to get sucked into her vortex of

manipulation and crafty twisting of words and emotionally draining conversation.

But in my fantasy, it feels good to unleash on her. It feels good to tell her

how much she has hurt me and what a piece of garbage excuse she is for a mother.

Thanks for reading. I needed to vent (in case you didn't guess).

[Guest guest]

<the best strategy is not to play her game at all..>>

Â

I meant to add that I would not even indulge in the fantasy, whether you do

the unleashing and venting in an imaginary conversation with her or by

pretending she's there while you vent aloud while alone in your car (as

another writer alludes to).Â

Â

There are some who have the opinion that re-living events while rehearsing

in this way  just reinforces the anger and the negative beliefs you have

formed, that venting by taking it out verbally or physically even on a

pillow just recreates and reinforces it all. Stated differently, I meant

to add that by fantasizing, you just bring out and reinforce the same angry

feelings she wants you to have while she isn't even there ands thus she

" wins " Â by remote control.Â

Â

Â

----- Forwarded Message -----

To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " <WTOAdultChildren1 >

Sent: Sunday, January 29, 2012 9:53 AM

Subject: Re: Fantasizing about telling her off

<<it would accomplish nothing except to get sucked into her vortex of

manipulation and crafty twisting of words and emotionally draining

conversation...But in my fantasy, it feels good to unleash on her. It feels good

to tell her how much she has hurt ...>>

Â

I think it would not accomplish anything meaningful to you. Recall a BPD

nada seeks to transfer or displace or vent her own angry feelings away from

herself by giving them to you, as her target. For you to vent and tell her

how much she has hurt, for you to react with  angry words  only telegraphs

" victory " to her. The best way for you to win here is not to react with raw

words.

Â

The best strategy is not to play, to stay out of her vortex of manipulation and

crafty twisting of words and emotionally draining conversation because she

just feeds on this.Â

Â

Amongst other things she'd do, my nada always sought to push my buttons to get

an angry or hurt or disconcerting reaction then she'd gloat she'd got my goat Â

in so doing and mock me. Any complaints about her behaviour or trying to

reason with her would be met withy derision, a mocking " ahhhhhhh [poor baby] " ,

the suggestion IÂ had " a chip on my shoulder " Â or that, in effect, I needed toÂ

" cowboy up " (as the saying goes). Â

Â

Once, she stated she was doing all this as a big favour so I'd  learn and

so people wouldn't get my goat! (Why she sought to teach me this lessonÂ

during a family gathering the night before I was getting married was elusiveÂ

until I read SWOE. It was her angry envy and jealousy that my life was about to

blossom, coupled with feeding  her need to shift her own feelings away from

herself.)Â Â

After a lifetime of her vortex of manipulation and crafty twisting of words and

events and emotionally draining repetitive attempts to help, assist, and

appease her, often about the same recycled issues, I went NC. As another

person wrote on this user group yesterday, " the BPD wants what they want, when

they want it, and they'll try everything in their power to wear you down until

they get it. "   Whether you play to win or to play not to lose, the best

strategy is not to play her game at all.

Â

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Saturday, January 28, 2012 6:06 PM

Subject: Fantasizing about telling her off

Â

Do you ever get tired of trying to think of the textbook answers for your BP?

Do you ever fantasize about just telling your BP parent off, totally unleashing

with the most raw, off the cuff words, whatever comes flying out of your mouth

first?

Just curious if this is a sign I'm about to implode or if others do this, haha.

My nada has stopped calling me. I know I know, I should celebrate and do a happy

dance right? She has only called me twice since Christmas and both times were to

ask me a very business related question (we are removing her from our cell phone

contract) and then she hung up.

The only other contact she has had was the one drama email I got from her a week

or so ago.

So it appears for now she has washed her hands of me.

Maybe that's what she wants. Maybe she is pushing my buttons, driving home the

point that me and my children are nothing more than need gratifying objects so I

will finally give her the reaction she wants, fly off the handle, and give her

that drama she so desperately craves.

Whatever her motive, I just often find myself getting very weary of trying so

hard to think of the " Randi Kreger " answer (no offense) and wish I could just

let her have it.

I know it would accomplish nothing except to get sucked into her vortex of

manipulation and crafty twisting of words and emotionally draining conversation.

But in my fantasy, it feels good to unleash on her. It feels good to tell her

how much she has hurt me and what a piece of garbage excuse she is for a mother.

Thanks for reading. I needed to vent (in case you didn't guess).

[Guest guest]

, I would disagree with you about " indulging in this fantasy " . Because

that's not really what it is. We've all grown up not expressing our own

feelings, not even allowed to have our own feelings. Admitting that we have

these feelings and finding a way to say them out loud, and being validated in

our feelings is a major and needed step in healing. Of course dwelling these

feelings and not learning how to progress and move on from them is not what we

want, but if someone does something that hurts you, it does not help you to deny

that your feelings are hurt or that it upset you. Ignoring your feelings only

gets us exactly where we have been our whole lives--depression, anxiety, PTSD,

eating disorders, etc.

Clearly we can't say these things to our nadas and fadas, but we can put them in

our diaries, or tell our therapists, or just say it to them imaginarily in the

shower to get it off our chests and move on. I find that when I do start to say

these things aloud, the next thing I end up saying is to myself something along

the lines of: but it doesn't matter what she's done, or what she's said, I am

this amazingly talented and brilliant, intelligent woman who is strong,

resilient, a leader, and creative. I am unique and I am my own person. These are

things she will never be, and all her ragings are own problem. I will not let

her take anymore of my life from me.

Through this exercise, I am basically re-parenting myself and protecting myself

from her bullying. When I finish this, I always feel better about everything and

strong enough to take on anything.

So I think if this is something that helps us heal, then it's okay. But we

shouldn't dwell on it for sure.

>

> <the best strategy is not to play her game at all..>>

> Â

> I meant to add that I would not even indulge in the fantasy, whether you do

the unleashing and venting in an imaginary conversation with her or by

pretending she's there while you vent aloud while alone in your car (as

another writer alludes to).Â

> Â

> There are some who have the opinion that re-living events while rehearsing

in this way  just reinforces the anger and the negative beliefs you have

formed, that venting by taking it out verbally or physically even on a

pillow just recreates and reinforces it all. Stated differently, I meant

to add that by fantasizing, you just bring out and reinforce the same angry

feelings she wants you to have while she isn't even there ands thus she

" wins " Â by remote control.Â

> Â

> Â

>

>

> ----- Forwarded Message -----

>

> To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " <WTOAdultChildren1 >

> Sent: Sunday, January 29, 2012 9:53 AM

> Subject: Re: Fantasizing about telling her off

>

>

> <<it would accomplish nothing except to get sucked into her vortex of

manipulation and crafty twisting of words and emotionally draining

conversation...But in my fantasy, it feels good to unleash on her. It feels good

to tell her how much she has hurt ...>>

> Â

> I think it would not accomplish anything meaningful to you. Recall a BPD

nada seeks to transfer or displace or vent her own angry feelings away from

herself by giving them to you, as her target. For you to vent and tell her

how much she has hurt, for you to react with  angry words  only telegraphs

" victory " to her. The best way for you to win here is not to react with raw

words.

> Â

> The best strategy is not to play, to stay out of her vortex of manipulation

and crafty twisting of words and emotionally draining conversation because she

just feeds on this.Â

> Â

> Amongst other things she'd do, my nada always sought to push my buttons to

get an angry or hurt or disconcerting reaction then she'd gloat she'd got my

goat  in so doing and mock me. Any complaints about her behaviour or trying

to reason with her would be met withy derision, a mocking " ahhhhhhh [poor

baby] " , the suggestion IÂ had " a chip on my shoulder " Â or that, in effect, I

needed to " cowboy up " (as the saying goes). Â

> Â

> Once, she stated she was doing all this as a big favour so I'd  learnÂ

and so people wouldn't get my goat! (Why she sought to teach me this lessonÂ

during a family gathering the night before I was getting married was elusiveÂ

until I read SWOE. It was her angry envy and jealousy that my life was about to

blossom, coupled with feeding  her need to shift her own feelings away from

herself.)Â Â

>

> After a lifetime of her vortex of manipulation and crafty twisting of words

and events and emotionally draining repetitive attempts to help, assist, and

appease her, often about the same recycled issues, I went NC. As another

person wrote on this user group yesterday, " the BPD wants what they want, when

they want it, and they'll try everything in their power to wear you down until

they get it. "   Whether you play to win or to play not to lose, the best

strategy is not to play her game at all.

> Â

>

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Saturday, January 28, 2012 6:06 PM

> Subject: Fantasizing about telling her off

>

>

> Â

> Do you ever get tired of trying to think of the textbook answers for your BP?

>

> Do you ever fantasize about just telling your BP parent off, totally

unleashing with the most raw, off the cuff words, whatever comes flying out of

your mouth first?

>

> Just curious if this is a sign I'm about to implode or if others do this,

haha.

>

> My nada has stopped calling me. I know I know, I should celebrate and do a

happy dance right? She has only called me twice since Christmas and both times

were to ask me a very business related question (we are removing her from our

cell phone contract) and then she hung up.

> The only other contact she has had was the one drama email I got from her a

week or so ago.

>

> So it appears for now she has washed her hands of me.

>

> Maybe that's what she wants. Maybe she is pushing my buttons, driving home the

point that me and my children are nothing more than need gratifying objects so I

will finally give her the reaction she wants, fly off the handle, and give her

that drama she so desperately craves.

>

> Whatever her motive, I just often find myself getting very weary of trying so

hard to think of the " Randi Kreger " answer (no offense) and wish I could just

let her have it.

> I know it would accomplish nothing except to get sucked into her vortex of

manipulation and crafty twisting of words and emotionally draining conversation.

>

> But in my fantasy, it feels good to unleash on her. It feels good to tell her

how much she has hurt me and what a piece of garbage excuse she is for a mother.

>

> Thanks for reading. I needed to vent (in case you didn't guess).

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with you, alfdancer. As long as the venting is productive and makes the

venter feel better, stronger, and more whole, it seems to me to be cathartic and

healing to speak the truth out loud to a therapist or other trusted individual,

or putting it on paper, or sharing it here and receiving public validation (in

a virtual way). So it seems to me also that speaking the truth is part of the

healing process.

-Annie

> >

> > <the best strategy is not to play her game at all..>>

> > Â

> > I meant to add that I would not even indulge in the fantasy, whether youÂ

do the unleashing and venting in an imaginary conversation with her or by

pretending she's there while you vent aloud while alone in your car (as

another writer alludes to).Â

> > Â

> > There are some who have the opinion that re-living events whileÂ

rehearsing in this way  just reinforces the anger and the negative beliefs

you have formed, that venting by taking it out verbally or physically even on

a pillow just recreates and reinforces it all. Stated differently, I meant

to add that by fantasizing, you just bring out and reinforce the same angry

feelings she wants you to have while she isn't even there ands thus she

" wins " Â by remote control.Â

> > Â

> > Â

> >

> >

> > ----- Forwarded Message -----

> > From: <westlakewilly@>

> > To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " <WTOAdultChildren1 >

> > Sent: Sunday, January 29, 2012 9:53 AM

> > Subject: Re: Fantasizing about telling her off

> >

> >

> > <<it would accomplish nothing except to get sucked into her vortex of

manipulation and crafty twisting of words and emotionally draining

conversation...But in my fantasy, it feels good to unleash on her. It feels good

to tell her how much she has hurt ...>>

> > Â

> > I think it would not accomplish anything meaningful to you. Recall a BPD

nada seeks to transfer or displace or vent her own angry feelings away from

herself by giving them to you, as her target. For you to vent and tell her

how much she has hurt, for you to react with  angry words  only telegraphs

" victory " to her. The best way for you to win here is not to react with raw

words.

> > Â

> > The best strategy is not to play, to stay out of her vortex of manipulation

and crafty twisting of words and emotionally draining conversation because she

just feeds on this.Â

> > Â

> > Amongst other things she'd do, my nada always sought to push my buttons to

get an angry or hurt or disconcerting reaction then she'd gloat she'd got my

goat  in so doing and mock me. Any complaints about her behaviour or trying

to reason with her would be met withy derision, a mocking " ahhhhhhh [poor

baby] " , the suggestion IÂ had " a chip on my shoulder " Â or that, in effect, I

needed to " cowboy up " (as the saying goes). Â

> > Â

> > Once, she stated she was doing all this as a big favour so I'd  learnÂ

and so people wouldn't get my goat! (Why she sought to teach me this lessonÂ

during a family gathering the night before I was getting married was elusiveÂ

until I read SWOE. It was her angry envy and jealousy that my life was about to

blossom, coupled with feeding  her need to shift her own feelings away from

herself.)Â Â

> >

> > After a lifetime of her vortex of manipulation and crafty twisting of words

and events and emotionally draining repetitive attempts to help, assist, and

appease her, often about the same recycled issues, I went NC. As another

person wrote on this user group yesterday, " the BPD wants what they want, when

they want it, and they'll try everything in their power to wear you down until

they get it. "   Whether you play to win or to play not to lose, the best

strategy is not to play her game at all.

> > Â

> >

> > From: big_sister_03 <jf_nelms@>

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > Sent: Saturday, January 28, 2012 6:06 PM

> > Subject: Fantasizing about telling her off

> >

> >

> > Â

> > Do you ever get tired of trying to think of the textbook answers for your

BP?

> >

> > Do you ever fantasize about just telling your BP parent off, totally

unleashing with the most raw, off the cuff words, whatever comes flying out of

your mouth first?

> >

> > Just curious if this is a sign I'm about to implode or if others do this,

haha.

> >

> > My nada has stopped calling me. I know I know, I should celebrate and do a

happy dance right? She has only called me twice since Christmas and both times

were to ask me a very business related question (we are removing her from our

cell phone contract) and then she hung up.

> > The only other contact she has had was the one drama email I got from her a

week or so ago.

> >

> > So it appears for now she has washed her hands of me.

> >

> > Maybe that's what she wants. Maybe she is pushing my buttons, driving home

the point that me and my children are nothing more than need gratifying objects

so I will finally give her the reaction she wants, fly off the handle, and give

her that drama she so desperately craves.

> >

> > Whatever her motive, I just often find myself getting very weary of trying

so hard to think of the " Randi Kreger " answer (no offense) and wish I could just

let her have it.

> > I know it would accomplish nothing except to get sucked into her vortex of

manipulation and crafty twisting of words and emotionally draining conversation.

> >

> > But in my fantasy, it feels good to unleash on her. It feels good to tell

her how much she has hurt me and what a piece of garbage excuse she is for a

mother.

> >

> > Thanks for reading. I needed to vent (in case you didn't guess).

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

 

I think the difference is that  speaking aloud in the presence of a therapist

or other trusted individual with the *opportunity for feedback or validation* 

(as you imply) and *not dwelling on it * and   feeling *validated*  by the

process (as alfdancer states)  are  important factors  now  added to

the mix and with which I'd now agree.   Otherwise  one runs the risk of just

reinforcing and not processing  (to express, acknowledge, then release) those 

feelings in a  mental rehearsal.  As alfdancer  states, " not learning how to

progress and move on from them is not what we want  " .

 

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sunday, January 29, 2012 11:07 AM

Subject: Re: Fw: Fantasizing about telling her off

 

I agree with you, alfdancer. As long as the venting is productive and makes the

venter feel better, stronger, and more whole, it seems to me to be cathartic and

healing to speak the truth out loud to a therapist or other trusted individual,

or putting it on paper, or sharing it here and receiving public validation (in a

virtual way). So it seems to me also that speaking the truth is part of the

healing process.

-Annie

> >

> > <the best strategy is not to play her game at all..>>

> >  

> > I meant to add that  I would not even indulge in the fantasy, whether

you do the unleashing and venting in an imaginary conversation with her or

by pretending she's there while you vent aloud  while alone in your car

(as another writer alludes to). 

> >  

> > There are some  who have the opinion that re-living events

while rehearsing in this way  just reinforces the  anger and the

negative beliefs you have formed, that venting by taking it out  verbally

or physically even on a pillow  just  recreates and reinforces it all. 

Stated differently, I meant to add that  by fantasizing, you just  bring

out and reinforce the same angry feelings she wants  you to have  while

she isn't even there ands thus she " wins "   by remote control. 

> >  

> >  

> >

> >

> > ----- Forwarded Message -----

> > From: <westlakewilly@>

> > To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " <WTOAdultChildren1 >

> > Sent: Sunday, January 29, 2012 9:53 AM

> > Subject: Re: Fantasizing about telling her off

> >

> >

> > <<it would accomplish nothing except to get sucked into her vortex of

manipulation and crafty twisting of words and emotionally draining

conversation...But in my fantasy, it feels good to unleash on her. It feels good

to tell her how much she has hurt ...>>

> >  

> > I think  it would not accomplish anything meaningful to you. Recall  a

BPD nada seeks to transfer  or displace  or vent her own angry feelings

away from herself  by  giving them to you, as her target.  For you to

vent and tell her how much she has hurt, for you to  react with  angry

words  only telegraphs " victory " to her.  The best way  for you to win

here is not to react with raw words.

> >  

> > The best strategy is not to play, to stay out of her vortex of manipulation

and crafty twisting of words and emotionally draining conversation  because

she just feeds on this. 

> >  

> > Amongst other things she'd do, my nada always sought to push my buttons

to get an angry or hurt or disconcerting reaction then she'd gloat she'd got

my goat  in so doing and mock me. Any complaints about her behaviour 

or  trying to reason with her would be met withy derision, a mocking

" ahhhhhhh [poor baby] " , the suggestion I had " a chip on my shoulder "  or

that, in effect, I needed to  " cowboy up " (as the saying goes).  

> >  

> > Once, she stated she was doing all this as a big  favour so

I'd  learn  and so people wouldn't get my goat!  (Why she sought to

teach me this lesson during a family gathering the night before I was

getting married was elusive until I read SWOE. It was her angry envy and

jealousy that my life was about to blossom, coupled with feeding  her need

to shift her own  feelings away from herself.)  

> >

> > After a lifetime of her vortex of manipulation and crafty twisting of words

and events and emotionally draining  repetitive attempts to help, assist,

and appease her, often about the same recycled issues, I went NC. As

another person wrote on this user group yesterday, " the BPD wants what they

want, when they want it, and they'll try everything in their power to wear you

down until they get it. "    Whether you play to win or to play not to

lose, the best strategy is not to play her game at all.

> >  

> >

> > From: big_sister_03 <jf_nelms@>

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > Sent: Saturday, January 28, 2012 6:06 PM

> > Subject: Fantasizing about telling her off

> >

> >

> >  

> > Do you ever get tired of trying to think of the textbook answers for your

BP?

> >

> > Do you ever fantasize about just telling your BP parent off, totally

unleashing with the most raw, off the cuff words, whatever comes flying out of

your mouth first?

> >

> > Just curious if this is a sign I'm about to implode or if others do this,

haha.

> >

> > My nada has stopped calling me. I know I know, I should celebrate and do a

happy dance right? She has only called me twice since Christmas and both times

were to ask me a very business related question (we are removing her from our

cell phone contract) and then she hung up.

> > The only other contact she has had was the one drama email I got from her a

week or so ago.

> >

> > So it appears for now she has washed her hands of me.

> >

> > Maybe that's what she wants. Maybe she is pushing my buttons, driving home

the point that me and my children are nothing more than need gratifying objects

so I will finally give her the reaction she wants, fly off the handle, and give

her that drama she so desperately craves.

> >

> > Whatever her motive, I just often find myself getting very weary of trying

so hard to think of the " Randi Kreger " answer (no offense) and wish I could just

let her have it.

> > I know it would accomplish nothing except to get sucked into her vortex of

manipulation and crafty twisting of words and emotionally draining conversation.

> >

> > But in my fantasy, it feels good to unleash on her. It feels good to tell

her how much she has hurt me and what a piece of garbage excuse she is for a

mother.

> >

> > Thanks for reading. I needed to vent (in case you didn't guess).

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I agree with you afldancer. In my case I am made to feel that I imagine

everything negative and that everything is my fault so talking it out helps me

to get events and my own feelings straight in my own head and have some degree

of " right of reply " which I know I would never otherwise get. It lets me process

and let go rather than just stay bewildered, confused, hurt and angry.

LT

> >

> > <the best strategy is not to play her game at all..>>

> >  

> > I meant to add that  I would not even indulge in the fantasy, whether

you do the unleashing and venting in an imaginary conversation with her or by

pretending she's there while you vent aloud  while alone in your car (as

another writer alludes to). 

> >  

> > There are some  who have the opinion that re-living events

while rehearsing in this way  just reinforces the  anger and the negative

beliefs you have formed, that venting by taking it out  verbally or physically

even on a pillow  just  recreates and reinforces it all.  Stated differently,

I meant to add that  by fantasizing, you just  bring out and reinforce the

same angry feelings she wants  you to have  while she isn't even there ands

thus she " wins "   by remote control. 

> >  

> >  

> >

> >

> > ----- Forwarded Message -----

> > From: <westlakewilly@>

> > To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " <WTOAdultChildren1 >

> > Sent: Sunday, January 29, 2012 9:53 AM

> > Subject: Re: Fantasizing about telling her off

> >

> >

> > <<it would accomplish nothing except to get sucked into her vortex of

manipulation and crafty twisting of words and emotionally draining

conversation...But in my fantasy, it feels good to unleash on her. It feels good

to tell her how much she has hurt ...>>

> >  

> > I think  it would not accomplish anything meaningful to you. Recall  a BPD

nada seeks to transfer  or displace  or vent her own angry feelings away from

herself  by  giving them to you, as her target.  For you to vent and tell her

how much she has hurt, for you to  react with  angry words  only telegraphs

" victory " to her.  The best way  for you to win here is not to react with raw

words.

> >  

> > The best strategy is not to play, to stay out of her vortex of manipulation

and crafty twisting of words and emotionally draining conversation  because she

just feeds on this. 

> >  

> > Amongst other things she'd do, my nada always sought to push my buttons to

get an angry or hurt or disconcerting reaction then she'd gloat she'd got my

goat  in so doing and mock me. Any complaints about her behaviour  or  trying

to reason with her would be met withy derision, a mocking " ahhhhhhh [poor

baby] " , the suggestion I had " a chip on my shoulder "  or that, in effect, I

needed to  " cowboy up " (as the saying goes).  

> >  

> > Once, she stated she was doing all this as a big  favour so I'd  learn 

and so people wouldn't get my goat!  (Why she sought to teach me this

lesson during a family gathering the night before I was getting married was

elusive until I read SWOE. It was her angry envy and jealousy that my life was

about to blossom, coupled with feeding  her need to shift her own  feelings

away from herself.)  

> >

> > After a lifetime of her vortex of manipulation and crafty twisting of words

and events and emotionally draining  repetitive attempts to help, assist, and

appease her, often about the same recycled issues, I went NC. As another

person wrote on this user group yesterday, " the BPD wants what they want, when

they want it, and they'll try everything in their power to wear you down until

they get it. "    Whether you play to win or to play not to lose, the best

strategy is not to play her game at all.

> >  

> >

> > From: big_sister_03 <jf_nelms@>

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > Sent: Saturday, January 28, 2012 6:06 PM

> > Subject: Fantasizing about telling her off

> >

> >

> >  

> > Do you ever get tired of trying to think of the textbook answers for your

BP?

> >

> > Do you ever fantasize about just telling your BP parent off, totally

unleashing with the most raw, off the cuff words, whatever comes flying out of

your mouth first?

> >

> > Just curious if this is a sign I'm about to implode or if others do this,

haha.

> >

> > My nada has stopped calling me. I know I know, I should celebrate and do a

happy dance right? She has only called me twice since Christmas and both times

were to ask me a very business related question (we are removing her from our

cell phone contract) and then she hung up.

> > The only other contact she has had was the one drama email I got from her a

week or so ago.

> >

> > So it appears for now she has washed her hands of me.

> >

> > Maybe that's what she wants. Maybe she is pushing my buttons, driving home

the point that me and my children are nothing more than need gratifying objects

so I will finally give her the reaction she wants, fly off the handle, and give

her that drama she so desperately craves.

> >

> > Whatever her motive, I just often find myself getting very weary of trying

so hard to think of the " Randi Kreger " answer (no offense) and wish I could just

let her have it.

> > I know it would accomplish nothing except to get sucked into her vortex of

manipulation and crafty twisting of words and emotionally draining conversation.

> >

> > But in my fantasy, it feels good to unleash on her. It feels good to tell

her how much she has hurt me and what a piece of garbage excuse she is for a

mother.

> >

> > Thanks for reading. I needed to vent (in case you didn't guess).

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

One thing I find helpful is 'rolling my eyes' where Nada can't see it, when she

says something hateful or hurtful. I don't know why it helps but it does. I told

my grandchildren to do it too, when she bellows something hateful at them. Right

now, she is on her 'best' behavior but still can't seem to stop herself from

saying awful things sometimes. She has had to come live with me and it's only

been two weeks so I know things are going to go from bad to worse soon. My

grandchildren are the light of my life and I want my home to be a happy place

for them. I plan on just putting them in the car and leaving when she starts up.

[Guest guest]

I believe there is a fine line between sitting with your anger (I just read an

interesting book that refers to this as " taking care of your anger " .. " hello

there again anger! " ) and just getting lost in it. Â There are different views on

whether being angry - all over again - Â is therapeutic. Â One view is punching

a pillow just stirs things up, whereas going to the person who makes you angry

and talking to them about it may be more productive. Â What I personally am

struggling with is, how do you approach a person who is mentally ill and cannot

reason or see themselves as the real cause of  your suffering ? My rants at

nada precipitate responses like ... " I talked to my therapist and she says that's

not abuse " ... or when I say i have an anxiety disorder because of my

interactions with her " that must be a mistake. " Â No matter how much venting you

do, it has not effect at all, so why bother with a mentally ill nada. I think in

this sense I agree with

. I have had no success trying to speak directly with my nada, but I do

feel better when my feelings are validated by my other relatives and friends.

But it's very hard to evoke a sympathetic response when you are acting angry. I

believe that to get a compassionate response from others, you have to be

compassionate yourself...at least that's the experience I have had. Â Just being

angry - although I did totally relate to a recent nada rant on this list!! -

hasn't worked for me. d

________________________________

To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " <WTOAdultChildren1 >

Sent: Sunday, January 29, 2012 11:19 AM

Subject: Fw: Fantasizing about telling her off

Â

<the best strategy is not to play her game at all..>>

Â

I meant to add that I would not even indulge in the fantasy, whether you do

the unleashing and venting in an imaginary conversation with her or by

pretending she's there while you vent aloud while alone in your car (as

another writer alludes to).Â

Â

There are some who have the opinion that re-living events while rehearsing

in this way  just reinforces the anger and the negative beliefs you have

formed, that venting by taking it out verbally or physically even on a

pillow just recreates and reinforces it all. Stated differently, I meant

to add that by fantasizing, you just bring out and reinforce the same angry

feelings she wants you to have while she isn't even there ands thus she

" wins " Â by remote control.Â

Â

Â

----- Forwarded Message -----

To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " <WTOAdultChildren1 >

Sent: Sunday, January 29, 2012 9:53 AM

Subject: Re: Fantasizing about telling her off

<<it would accomplish nothing except to get sucked into her vortex of

manipulation and crafty twisting of words and emotionally draining

conversation...But in my fantasy, it feels good to unleash on her. It feels good

to tell her how much she has hurt ...>>

Â

I think it would not accomplish anything meaningful to you. Recall a BPD

nada seeks to transfer or displace or vent her own angry feelings away from

herself by giving them to you, as her target. For you to vent and tell her

how much she has hurt, for you to react with  angry words  only telegraphs

" victory " to her. The best way for you to win here is not to react with raw

words.

Â

The best strategy is not to play, to stay out of her vortex of manipulation and

crafty twisting of words and emotionally draining conversation because she

just feeds on this.Â

Â

Amongst other things she'd do, my nada always sought to push my buttons to get

an angry or hurt or disconcerting reaction then she'd gloat she'd got my goat Â

in so doing and mock me. Any complaints about her behaviour or trying to

reason with her would be met withy derision, a mocking " ahhhhhhh [poor baby] " ,

the suggestion IÂ had " a chip on my shoulder " Â or that, in effect, I needed toÂ

" cowboy up " (as the saying goes). Â

Â

Once, she stated she was doing all this as a big favour so I'd  learn and

so people wouldn't get my goat! (Why she sought to teach me this lessonÂ

during a family gathering the night before I was getting married was elusiveÂ

until I read SWOE. It was her angry envy and jealousy that my life was about to

blossom, coupled with feeding  her need to shift her own feelings away from

herself.)Â Â

After a lifetime of her vortex of manipulation and crafty twisting of words and

events and emotionally draining repetitive attempts to help, assist, and

appease her, often about the same recycled issues, I went NC. As another

person wrote on this user group yesterday, " the BPD wants what they want, when

they want it, and they'll try everything in their power to wear you down until

they get it. "   Whether you play to win or to play not to lose, the best

strategy is not to play her game at all.

Â

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Saturday, January 28, 2012 6:06 PM

Subject: Fantasizing about telling her off

Â

Do you ever get tired of trying to think of the textbook answers for your BP?

Do you ever fantasize about just telling your BP parent off, totally unleashing

with the most raw, off the cuff words, whatever comes flying out of your mouth

first?

Just curious if this is a sign I'm about to implode or if others do this, haha.

My nada has stopped calling me. I know I know, I should celebrate and do a happy

dance right? She has only called me twice since Christmas and both times were to

ask me a very business related question (we are removing her from our cell phone

contract) and then she hung up.

The only other contact she has had was the one drama email I got from her a week

or so ago.

So it appears for now she has washed her hands of me.

Maybe that's what she wants. Maybe she is pushing my buttons, driving home the

point that me and my children are nothing more than need gratifying objects so I

will finally give her the reaction she wants, fly off the handle, and give her

that drama she so desperately craves.

Whatever her motive, I just often find myself getting very weary of trying so

hard to think of the " Randi Kreger " answer (no offense) and wish I could just

let her have it.

I know it would accomplish nothing except to get sucked into her vortex of

manipulation and crafty twisting of words and emotionally draining conversation.

But in my fantasy, it feels good to unleash on her. It feels good to tell her

how much she has hurt me and what a piece of garbage excuse she is for a mother.

Thanks for reading. I needed to vent (in case you didn't guess).