Feeling the need to explain myself, again

[Guest guest]

I am about 2 months into deciding to go NC with nada (Borderline) & fada

(Dependent personality). They figured it out about a month ago. Before that, I

was being ignored and cold shouldered because Nada got mad at me about something

2-3 years ago. Nada doesn't even remember what is was anymore, only that she

split me 'black' and decided to treat me like dung beneath her shoes since

then. Since her conflict management skills are non-existent, any attempts I made

to get to the bottom, apologize or move on were stonewalled by nada. She would

occasionally ambush me if I called her, so I stopped doing that. She tells

everyone who will listen just how *I* have abused her and how *I* am poisoning

my children against her. So NOT true, I have done all I can to not discuss my

ongoing frustration with nada/fada with them.

My last email to them was to say that if they needed to contact me, they should

talk to my husband. Fada did that Friday, he called with condolences after

hearing we put our dog to sleep (funny, he did not apologize for not sending me

a birthday card last week, but the dead dog that nada hated gets condolences).

So, why do I feel this great need to explain myself to fada? He won't see the

problems nada causes and won't listen until I finally cut ties completely. That

get's his attention, and then he acts like it is all his fault. He takes on her

sins as being *their* sins--he takes on all her negative emotions.

The whole thing just makes me sick. To me it feels like the door is opened a bit

and I could take the chance to make myself heard. But I've been here before and

it is just a mirage--he would hear my complaints, filter it when retelling to

nada, and nada will not change a thing. Is there any way to get to detente?

[Guest guest]

I'm wondering if your fada's using your dog's passing as an excuse to

communicate. Actually, your nada probably told him to call!

I know how you feel, completely. Even though we know they will never understand

or admit to any wrongdoing....ever....it would still feel good to try to explain

and to try to make them see.

Good for you, btw, for having your husband handle their calls. That's a good

idea.

>

> I am about 2 months into deciding to go NC with nada (Borderline) & fada

(Dependent personality). They figured it out about a month ago. Before that, I

was being ignored and cold shouldered because Nada got mad at me about something

2-3 years ago. Nada doesn't even remember what is was anymore, only that she

split me 'black' and decided to treat me like dung beneath her shoes since

then. Since her conflict management skills are non-existent, any attempts I made

to get to the bottom, apologize or move on were stonewalled by nada. She would

occasionally ambush me if I called her, so I stopped doing that. She tells

everyone who will listen just how *I* have abused her and how *I* am poisoning

my children against her. So NOT true, I have done all I can to not discuss my

ongoing frustration with nada/fada with them.

>

> My last email to them was to say that if they needed to contact me, they

should talk to my husband. Fada did that Friday, he called with condolences

after hearing we put our dog to sleep (funny, he did not apologize for not

sending me a birthday card last week, but the dead dog that nada hated gets

condolences).

>

> So, why do I feel this great need to explain myself to fada? He won't see the

problems nada causes and won't listen until I finally cut ties completely. That

get's his attention, and then he acts like it is all his fault. He takes on her

sins as being *their* sins--he takes on all her negative emotions.

>

> The whole thing just makes me sick. To me it feels like the door is opened a

bit and I could take the chance to make myself heard. But I've been here before

and it is just a mirage--he would hear my complaints, filter it when retelling

to nada, and nada will not change a thing. Is there any way to get to detente?

>

[Guest guest]

I am sure you are right, DH says that fada was constantly amending his speech,

as if nada was in the background correcting him as she always does! LOL, too

funny.

>

> I'm wondering if your fada's using your dog's passing as an excuse to

communicate. Actually, your nada probably told him to call!

>

> I know how you feel, completely. Even though we know they will never

understand or admit to any wrongdoing....ever....it would still feel good to try

to explain and to try to make them see.

>

> Good for you, btw, for having your husband handle their calls. That's a good

idea.

>

>

>