How do you protect your children from their BPD grandmother??

[Guest guest]

Hi there

Gosh I have had the worst day! Despite zero contact with nada today and

yesterday, I spent the whole night awake thinking about my 6,7 year old.

They love nada to bits but she is such a manipulator. I insist that

when the girls talk to her on the phone they're on speaker so I can

supervise the call. They say things like " when we get home to th England

can we have a house near nanny (nada) so we can go on those long walks

with her(totally manipulated question) When I lived there before I gave

her Access to them. Its when we moved away learned about BPD and started

to frame the alarm bells! I fantasized about her being the doting

grandmother when in actual fact she wouldn't stop at anything to turn my

children against me.She displays reckless behavior and drinks and drives

she also attacks me in front of them. Last time sh visitedI got so angry

at the way she was bullying my girls at our dinner table I flew at her

and told her to leave. It was awful, my girls were crying, my hubby took

them out of the area and then told us both to stop it! I felt so angry

but also mad at myself for biting but my mother instincts to protect

kicked in. Obviously she couldn't t go anywhere as she'd been drinking

vodka all day!

So my kids think she walks on water! But I am scared about moving closer

and before that visiting her in 2 weeks! I feel I want to try and place

some limits in place that my girls need to understand, but how do I do

that? I had nightmares last night that she kidnapped them!! I'm

seriously stressed about how to set boundaries without the girls turning

against me!

Any suggestions would be sooooo useful! Any ideas for a script and what

to tell my girls if anything at all???

I was feeling very self assured but when my daughters made comments

about " lovely nanny " I feel physically sick and overwhelmed!!

Mel

[Guest guest]

You're in control. Please don't let your mother have access to your

children. I never heard of a kid wanting long walks. A question like that's

a little silly. I don't see why, " i'll think about it " or " we'll see " won't

suffice.

> **

>

>

> Hi there

> Gosh I have had the worst day! Despite zero contact with nada today and

> yesterday, I spent the whole night awake thinking about my 6,7 year old.

> They love nada to bits but she is such a manipulator. I insist that

> when the girls talk to her on the phone they're on speaker so I can

> supervise the call. They say things like " when we get home to th England

> can we have a house near nanny (nada) so we can go on those long walks

> with her(totally manipulated question) When I lived there before I gave

> her Access to them. Its when we moved away learned about BPD and started

> to frame the alarm bells! I fantasized about her being the doting

> grandmother when in actual fact she wouldn't stop at anything to turn my

> children against me.She displays reckless behavior and drinks and drives

> she also attacks me in front of them. Last time sh visitedI got so angry

> at the way she was bullying my girls at our dinner table I flew at her

> and told her to leave. It was awful, my girls were crying, my hubby took

> them out of the area and then told us both to stop it! I felt so angry

> but also mad at myself for biting but my mother instincts to protect

> kicked in. Obviously she couldn't t go anywhere as she'd been drinking

> vodka all day!

> So my kids think she walks on water! But I am scared about moving closer

> and before that visiting her in 2 weeks! I feel I want to try and place

> some limits in place that my girls need to understand, but how do I do

> that? I had nightmares last night that she kidnapped them!! I'm

> seriously stressed about how to set boundaries without the girls turning

> against me!

> Any suggestions would be sooooo useful! Any ideas for a script and what

> to tell my girls if anything at all???

> I was feeling very self assured but when my daughters made comments

> about " lovely nanny " I feel physically sick and overwhelmed!!

> Mel

>

>

[Guest guest]

This is such a terribly hard question. My husband and I believed we

could protect our son from Nada, by allowing them limited contact. We were

wrong. As an adult, he has shared some very uncomfortable, disconcerting,

and sad experiences with us. Nadas are liars, revisionists, manipulators,

and, sometimes, criminals. They are motivated by insatiable hungers,

malice, spite and revenge.

Give a Nada a boundary, and watch her head spin while she works out ways to

get even with you! And, she *believes* that she is totally justified in

destroying you, and your childrens relationships to get even with you. BPDs

have no sense of loyalty, compassion, or empathy, they only getting even.

If I had it all to do over again, I would never have allowed her access to

our child. But, hindsite is always 20/20.

I guess the thing that I wish that someone had pounded into my head, is: If

their mouths are moving, if they are breathing, they are trying to figure

out how to undermine you.

Best of Luck! Sunspot

On Mon, Jan 30, 2012 at 9:48 PM, Millicent Kunstler <

millicentkunstler@...> wrote:

> You're in control. Please don't let your mother have access to your

> children. I never heard of a kid wanting long walks. A question like that's

> a little silly. I don't see why, " i'll think about it " or " we'll see " won't

> suffice.

>

>

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > Hi there

> > Gosh I have had the worst day! Despite zero contact with nada today and

> > yesterday, I spent the whole night awake thinking about my 6,7 year old.

> > They love nada to bits but she is such a manipulator. I insist that

> > when the girls talk to her on the phone they're on speaker so I can

> > supervise the call. They say things like " when we get home to th England

> > can we have a house near nanny (nada) so we can go on those long walks

> > with her(totally manipulated question) When I lived there before I gave

> > her Access to them. Its when we moved away learned about BPD and started

> > to frame the alarm bells! I fantasized about her being the doting

> > grandmother when in actual fact she wouldn't stop at anything to turn my

> > children against me.She displays reckless behavior and drinks and drives

> > she also attacks me in front of them. Last time sh visitedI got so angry

> > at the way she was bullying my girls at our dinner table I flew at her

> > and told her to leave. It was awful, my girls were crying, my hubby took

> > them out of the area and then told us both to stop it! I felt so angry

> > but also mad at myself for biting but my mother instincts to protect

> > kicked in. Obviously she couldn't t go anywhere as she'd been drinking

> > vodka all day!

> > So my kids think she walks on water! But I am scared about moving closer

> > and before that visiting her in 2 weeks! I feel I want to try and place

> > some limits in place that my girls need to understand, but how do I do

> > that? I had nightmares last night that she kidnapped them!! I'm

> > seriously stressed about how to set boundaries without the girls turning

> > against me!

> > Any suggestions would be sooooo useful! Any ideas for a script and what

> > to tell my girls if anything at all???

> > I was feeling very self assured but when my daughters made comments

> > about " lovely nanny " I feel physically sick and overwhelmed!!

> > Mel

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

My mom couldn't keep her act together long enough to give my 2 kids a reason to

call her " lovely. " Plus, she always played favorites and/or split one bad, and

sibling loyalty to each other always trumped nada's attempts to wedge them

apart. Those circumstances made it easy for me to talk with my children about

their experiences with nada, they knew better than to give her complete trust.

>

> Hi there

> Gosh I have had the worst day! Despite zero contact with nada today and

> yesterday, I spent the whole night awake thinking about my 6,7 year old.

> They love nada to bits but she is such a manipulator. I insist that

> when the girls talk to her on the phone they're on speaker so I can

> supervise the call. They say things like " when we get home to th England

> can we have a house near nanny (nada) so we can go on those long walks

> with her(totally manipulated question) When I lived there before I gave

> her Access to them. Its when we moved away learned about BPD and started

> to frame the alarm bells! I fantasized about her being the doting

> grandmother when in actual fact she wouldn't stop at anything to turn my

> children against me.She displays reckless behavior and drinks and drives

> she also attacks me in front of them. Last time sh visitedI got so angry

> at the way she was bullying my girls at our dinner table I flew at her

> and told her to leave. It was awful, my girls were crying, my hubby took

> them out of the area and then told us both to stop it! I felt so angry

> but also mad at myself for biting but my mother instincts to protect

> kicked in. Obviously she couldn't t go anywhere as she'd been drinking

> vodka all day!

> So my kids think she walks on water! But I am scared about moving closer

> and before that visiting her in 2 weeks! I feel I want to try and place

> some limits in place that my girls need to understand, but how do I do

> that? I had nightmares last night that she kidnapped them!! I'm

> seriously stressed about how to set boundaries without the girls turning

> against me!

> Any suggestions would be sooooo useful! Any ideas for a script and what

> to tell my girls if anything at all???

> I was feeling very self assured but when my daughters made comments

> about " lovely nanny " I feel physically sick and overwhelmed!!

> Mel

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

, the answer to your question " How do you protect your children from

their BPD grandmother " is: say " No " to your mother and mean it, and so what if

it pisses her off?

Your children need you to be brave for them; you have to find the courage to

stand up to your mother in a meaningful way, meaning you cut her visits or her

phone calls short the nanosecond she steps out of line.

" No, mother, you can't take the girls for a walk. We can arrange a visit at the

park/at the mall/in public while I'm with them, but you can't take them off

alone anymore. "

'No, mother, its not OK to speak to me like that. If you are going to

disrespect my parenting choices and attempt to undermine my parental authority

in front of my children, then you're choosing for us to leave now. 'bye. "

" No, mother, you can't see the girls when you've been drinking, period, end of

sentence.

That's too bad that you preferred to drink instead of visit with your

granddaughters, but that was your choice. We'll see about arranging a visit

next month if you can stay sober. "

You're sounding to me like you are afraid of your mother, but you are an adult

now, not a child. You have all the power, its just a matter of deciding to

utilize your power. You can say " No " and be firm without going ballistic and

losing your temper, its really possible to do that if you come from the position

of being the adult in the relationship.

Its a matter of staying in the moment and *being* the authority figure, not just

passively biting your lip and hoping that maybe your nada will somehow decide to

finally respect you, but then going ballistic when she pushes your last button.

Instead, the VERY FIRST INSTANT that your nada says something off-kilter,

disrespectful, manipulative, or otherwise negative to you or about you, YOU CUT

THE VISIT OFF INSTANTLY.

Nada will find that she's going to experience some very, very short visits with

you and the girls.

Example:

You arrive at nada's house.

(Note: you no longer invite nada to your house. Meet at her house or in public

for visits because its much, MUCH easier for you to leave quickly with the girls

when you need to instead of ousting nada from your home. Your home needs to be

your safe place and your sanctuary that nada has no access to.)

Scenario:

You ring the bell. Nada answers the door and you can smell the liquor on her

breath.

You then say something like:

" Oh, dear. Mom, you've been drinking again, I can smell it. Well, we'll have

to reschedule the visit for some other time, when you are sober. Maybe next

month. Well, Bye now. "

And you do not listen as nada launches into a screaming rage or into sobbing

histrionics; that is not your business. That's what manipulative bpd people and

drunks do; its not your problem. You just remain emotionally detached and

calmly herd your girls into the car, saying something soothing to them like,

" Yes, its sad that your grandmother would rather drink alcohol than visit with

us, huh. Very sad. Maybe she will want to visit with us next month instead of

drinking. Well, lets go have some ice cream, now, OK? "

So instead of feeling scared of your mother or feeling guilty for reacting in

anger yourself, you just stay calm but firmly in control and as the adult, you

take charge of the situation.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> Hi there

> Gosh I have had the worst day! Despite zero contact with nada today and

> yesterday, I spent the whole night awake thinking about my 6,7 year old.

> They love nada to bits but she is such a manipulator. I insist that

> when the girls talk to her on the phone they're on speaker so I can

> supervise the call. They say things like " when we get home to th England

> can we have a house near nanny (nada) so we can go on those long walks

> with her(totally manipulated question) When I lived there before I gave

> her Access to them. Its when we moved away learned about BPD and started

> to frame the alarm bells! I fantasized about her being the doting

> grandmother when in actual fact she wouldn't stop at anything to turn my

> children against me.She displays reckless behavior and drinks and drives

> she also attacks me in front of them. Last time sh visitedI got so angry

> at the way she was bullying my girls at our dinner table I flew at her

> and told her to leave. It was awful, my girls were crying, my hubby took

> them out of the area and then told us both to stop it! I felt so angry

> but also mad at myself for biting but my mother instincts to protect

> kicked in. Obviously she couldn't t go anywhere as she'd been drinking

> vodka all day!

> So my kids think she walks on water! But I am scared about moving closer

> and before that visiting her in 2 weeks! I feel I want to try and place

> some limits in place that my girls need to understand, but how do I do

> that? I had nightmares last night that she kidnapped them!! I'm

> seriously stressed about how to set boundaries without the girls turning

> against me!

> Any suggestions would be sooooo useful! Any ideas for a script and what

> to tell my girls if anything at all???

> I was feeling very self assured but when my daughters made comments

> about " lovely nanny " I feel physically sick and overwhelmed!!

> Mel

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Good morning Annie

Thank-you so much for your post! It makes perfect sense. I need to really

believe in myself and get my script going. I think for years I have taken her

crap, comments and bullying and uncontrolled anger. You're so right! I am the

adult NOW!

Nada has changed her strategy since I have implemented limited contact; getting

my enmeshed sister to avoid me. It's hurtful as I'm not the problem. My sister

has zero husband, kids or life because my nada controls her completely. Yes, I

am scared, nada has a very evil witch that she uses and in the past has caused

some very serious side effects for people; even her mother is scared of her;

once she threatened to call the social services (i guess equivalent of welfare

office in US) and have her benefits removed saying she was abusing the system!

How evil!!!

Anyway today I'm not going to allow myself to stress about what she 'might' do,

I'm going to read my book and get myself feeling fully committed to the process

again despite all the nonsense around my family!

It really is one day at a time. Annie were you ever in my situation? You always

post such practical solutions and convey such a strong persona? I want that so

bad.

Heres to a better day than yesterday

Mel x

> >

> > Hi there

> > Gosh I have had the worst day! Despite zero contact with nada today and

> > yesterday, I spent the whole night awake thinking about my 6,7 year old.

> > They love nada to bits but she is such a manipulator. I insist that

> > when the girls talk to her on the phone they're on speaker so I can

> > supervise the call. They say things like " when we get home to th England

> > can we have a house near nanny (nada) so we can go on those long walks

> > with her(totally manipulated question) When I lived there before I gave

> > her Access to them. Its when we moved away learned about BPD and started

> > to frame the alarm bells! I fantasized about her being the doting

> > grandmother when in actual fact she wouldn't stop at anything to turn my

> > children against me.She displays reckless behavior and drinks and drives

> > she also attacks me in front of them. Last time sh visitedI got so angry

> > at the way she was bullying my girls at our dinner table I flew at her

> > and told her to leave. It was awful, my girls were crying, my hubby took

> > them out of the area and then told us both to stop it! I felt so angry

> > but also mad at myself for biting but my mother instincts to protect

> > kicked in. Obviously she couldn't t go anywhere as she'd been drinking

> > vodka all day!

> > So my kids think she walks on water! But I am scared about moving closer

> > and before that visiting her in 2 weeks! I feel I want to try and place

> > some limits in place that my girls need to understand, but how do I do

> > that? I had nightmares last night that she kidnapped them!! I'm

> > seriously stressed about how to set boundaries without the girls turning

> > against me!

> > Any suggestions would be sooooo useful! Any ideas for a script and what

> > to tell my girls if anything at all???

> > I was feeling very self assured but when my daughters made comments

> > about " lovely nanny " I feel physically sick and overwhelmed!!

> > Mel

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hi Millicent

Thanks for your reply! Yrs, you're right long walks for most children isn't fun

but my nada makes long walks in the UK countryside a kids dream; bird watching,

paddling in the stream, ice cream from the village shop and a long stint in the

park. This can all be done in a 2 mile radius from my house to hers in England.

Nada is a manipulator for sure!!!

I'm thankful for all your posts. I woke up today and though " Mel, you need to

get a grip " . I guess yesterday I started to creep into that " poor, helpless

child mode " when really that is self absorbed. My children are the helpless ones

and need me to protect them. I'm a great mother and hug and nurture my children

with unconditional love. Hopefully by successfully setting limits I am teaching

my children the valuable gift of self respect.

One day at a time for sure!

Have a great day and thanks for hearing me out! I'm not following that yellow

brick road anymore as it leads right to the wizard (or witch on her case)!

Mel x

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > Hi there

> > Gosh I have had the worst day! Despite zero contact with nada today and

> > yesterday, I spent the whole night awake thinking about my 6,7 year old.

> > They love nada to bits but she is such a manipulator. I insist that

> > when the girls talk to her on the phone they're on speaker so I can

> > supervise the call. They say things like " when we get home to th England

> > can we have a house near nanny (nada) so we can go on those long walks

> > with her(totally manipulated question) When I lived there before I gave

> > her Access to them. Its when we moved away learned about BPD and started

> > to frame the alarm bells! I fantasized about her being the doting

> > grandmother when in actual fact she wouldn't stop at anything to turn my

> > children against me.She displays reckless behavior and drinks and drives

> > she also attacks me in front of them. Last time sh visitedI got so angry

> > at the way she was bullying my girls at our dinner table I flew at her

> > and told her to leave. It was awful, my girls were crying, my hubby took

> > them out of the area and then told us both to stop it! I felt so angry

> > but also mad at myself for biting but my mother instincts to protect

> > kicked in. Obviously she couldn't t go anywhere as she'd been drinking

> > vodka all day!

> > So my kids think she walks on water! But I am scared about moving closer

> > and before that visiting her in 2 weeks! I feel I want to try and place

> > some limits in place that my girls need to understand, but how do I do

> > that? I had nightmares last night that she kidnapped them!! I'm

> > seriously stressed about how to set boundaries without the girls turning

> > against me!

> > Any suggestions would be sooooo useful! Any ideas for a script and what

> > to tell my girls if anything at all???

> > I was feeling very self assured but when my daughters made comments

> > about " lovely nanny " I feel physically sick and overwhelmed!!

> > Mel

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Wow, this is such a touchy situation, esp bc your little ones are so attached to

her. (btw, GOOD FOR YOU for protecting your girls from her bullying. You did

the right thing. Totally.)

I put myself in your situation (I also have a 7 year old that I keep from my

mother, who lives 7 blocks from me!). She also loves her grandmother and would

love to see her much more than I allow. At one point, my daughter would call my

mother without telling me. That was a scary 2 weeks. I got out of it by

telling my daughter she cannot use the phone to call ANYone without my

permission. So, when she would ask to call my mother, I would distract her with

something else.

Right now, I see my mother 2 times a month, for 1 and 1/2 hour to 2 hour visits.

That's it. I never, ever leave them alone with her. I have done it in the past

and usually afterward, my mother will start questioning me using the information

she culled from my unsuspecting daughter.

I'm so sorry for the distress you're feeling. I would feel the same way, too

(and have). You're right to protect your girls, esp if your mother is drinking

and attacking you.

I think you may need to be very honest with your girls. Kids today are growing

up very fast. You may need to tell them that grandma is an alcoholic, talk about

it, take books out from the library about addiction that are written for kids,

tell them that she is not well and that she is not safe for them to be around

right now. I think this will help them understand, and allow you to create a

compassionate distance from her. This will also help them know they are safe

with you.

Another thing I thought about is that you can (if you haven't already) involve

your husband more. Can he handle your mother's calls when her # comes on the

caller ID? Can he take care of sending her away if she comes to visit? Things

like that.

I think it's great that you're educating yourself on BPD, too. It's bad enough

that your mother is BPD, but as soon as you mentioned her drinking issues,

that's that. No way can she be around your kids, and you can use that as well

as your talking point/boundary between her and your kids. Think about that:

would you let ANYONE that's been drinking and driving, or just plain old

drinking anywhere near your girls? You can tell nada: " You cannot be around

the girls until you go to AA for ONE year and get professional help for another

year. " By the time she gets around to that, your kids will be in their early

adulthood.

Hope that helps and that I didn't go too long!!

Hugs,

Fiona

>

> Hi there

> Gosh I have had the worst day! Despite zero contact with nada today and

> yesterday, I spent the whole night awake thinking about my 6,7 year old.

> They love nada to bits but she is such a manipulator. I insist that

> when the girls talk to her on the phone they're on speaker so I can

> supervise the call. They say things like " when we get home to th England

> can we have a house near nanny (nada) so we can go on those long walks

> with her(totally manipulated question) When I lived there before I gave

> her Access to them. Its when we moved away learned about BPD and started

> to frame the alarm bells! I fantasized about her being the doting

> grandmother when in actual fact she wouldn't stop at anything to turn my

> children against me.She displays reckless behavior and drinks and drives

> she also attacks me in front of them. Last time sh visitedI got so angry

> at the way she was bullying my girls at our dinner table I flew at her

> and told her to leave. It was awful, my girls were crying, my hubby took

> them out of the area and then told us both to stop it! I felt so angry

> but also mad at myself for biting but my mother instincts to protect

> kicked in. Obviously she couldn't t go anywhere as she'd been drinking

> vodka all day!

> So my kids think she walks on water! But I am scared about moving closer

> and before that visiting her in 2 weeks! I feel I want to try and place

> some limits in place that my girls need to understand, but how do I do

> that? I had nightmares last night that she kidnapped them!! I'm

> seriously stressed about how to set boundaries without the girls turning

> against me!

> Any suggestions would be sooooo useful! Any ideas for a script and what

> to tell my girls if anything at all???

> I was feeling very self assured but when my daughters made comments

> about " lovely nanny " I feel physically sick and overwhelmed!!

> Mel

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

" how do you protect your children from their BPD Gma " This is my biggest ongoing

concern in life! And it won't ever stop! Ugh.

I hope I can chime in a bit here. I have a niece that is 7 and she can tell that

something is off with my nada. I haven't really been able to discuss mental

illness with her, but was able one time to answer to her, " Well she's a little

different. Yes, that <behavior> is weird, you're right. We aren't supposed to do

<behavior> are we? "

, you can prep your children for behavior that you anticipate, such as

disrespectful behavior or language, bullying/meanness, dangerous and reckless

behavior. You can start it as a review of behavior that you want from them ...ie

" Now remember kids, we speak politely. It's not ok for anyone to be mean or

rude. Also, we make good decisions, ones that keep us safe. You are both very

smart and I know you will make good decisions. I want you to know that I think

you are both wonderful and I love you very much. "

Just reminding them of what behavior is acceptable for your family, you will _in

advance_ reinforce their internal BS-radar. So when the weird BPD behavior

starts up, they will recognize it, dislike it (kids at this age are all about

right/wrong and justice), and have confidence in knowing it's wrong. You will

need to stand up for the correct behavior/not being bullied, ie: Nada, My child

is acting very appropriately in <behavior>. Stop criticising her. Child, you're

doing very well in <behavior>. Nada, we do not yell or call each other names.

You need to lower your voice and stop being disrespectful or we will need to

leave now. ETC.

I think that your children are old enough to know when things are off kilter and

it is for you as the mother to teach them what is acceptable. They learn from

your example. Also, it is ok to talk with them later..debrief sort of. You can

start with 'Kids, it's really bugging me and I want to talk about it with you.

It really upset me when <behavior>...because it's not ok to <behavior>. I didn't

like it when <> because it made me feel uncomfortable. Kids, sometimes adults do

things that aren't ok/good decisions/etc and I want you to know it is ok for you

to say no to those things. I know you're both smart girls and I believe in you.

It's ok for you to ask me about Nada's behavior, and it's ok for us to talk

about things. You can always call me if something happens or you feel

uncomfortable, and I will come get you, you know. I love you both always, no

matter what.'

Have you read about 'medium chill' ? I find this helps me a TON to keep my

temper in check. Also, I keep the acronym JADE going thru my head, I am not

going to JustifyArgueDenyExplain. Also, I have quit hoping 'may be this time

she'll be normal.' Heh, sigh. You CAN make it through this! Best of luck!

PS: Annie you are SO RIGHT ON!!!

> >

> > Hi there

> > Gosh I have had the worst day! Despite zero contact with nada today and

> > yesterday, I spent the whole night awake thinking about my 6,7 year old.

> > They love nada to bits but she is such a manipulator. I insist that

> > when the girls talk to her on the phone they're on speaker so I can

> > supervise the call. They say things like " when we get home to th England

> > can we have a house near nanny (nada) so we can go on those long walks

> > with her(totally manipulated question) When I lived there before I gave

> > her Access to them. Its when we moved away learned about BPD and started

> > to frame the alarm bells! I fantasized about her being the doting

> > grandmother when in actual fact she wouldn't stop at anything to turn my

> > children against me.She displays reckless behavior and drinks and drives

> > she also attacks me in front of them. Last time sh visitedI got so angry

> > at the way she was bullying my girls at our dinner table I flew at her

> > and told her to leave. It was awful, my girls were crying, my hubby took

> > them out of the area and then told us both to stop it! I felt so angry

> > but also mad at myself for biting but my mother instincts to protect

> > kicked in. Obviously she couldn't t go anywhere as she'd been drinking

> > vodka all day!

> > So my kids think she walks on water! But I am scared about moving closer

> > and before that visiting her in 2 weeks! I feel I want to try and place

> > some limits in place that my girls need to understand, but how do I do

> > that? I had nightmares last night that she kidnapped them!! I'm

> > seriously stressed about how to set boundaries without the girls turning

> > against me!

> > Any suggestions would be sooooo useful! Any ideas for a script and what

> > to tell my girls if anything at all???

> > I was feeling very self assured but when my daughters made comments

> > about " lovely nanny " I feel physically sick and overwhelmed!!

> > Mel

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hi Mel,

Your nada sounds so much like mine it is scary! I also have two small children

and also know that my nada would turn them against me in a heartbeat. My nada is

also quite the drinker and not too long ago I found out she has been abusing

prescription drugs. I thought " okay, boundaries " much like you with the speaker

phone (good call by the way). About a year ago my nada went out with my

step-fada, had too much to drink and drove her car into a wall on the freeway.

Of course she didn't tell me this part. Her version was that it was someone

else's fault and they made her crash and she was sober. It wasn't until I called

highway patrol to get the real story that I found out nada had been arrested and

later convicted for a DUI. This was the final straw for me. I told nada that if

she wanted to continue a relationship with me and my family that she needed to

get help. She refused, so she made it pretty easy for me to go NC. My kids are

young and it's been almost 2 years since they have had contact with her. They

are perfectly fine with it and I sometimes wonder if they even remember her.

Granted, mine are a few years younger than yours but I think the younger they

are if you decide to go NC, the better. We moved right around the time I went

NC, so even though we only live about 45 min from nada, she does not know where

we live.

I know everyone's nada is different even though sometimes they seem SO much

alike, but if yours abuses alcohol, I would suggest having her get treatment.

Make it an ultimatum, especially if she has access to your kids. If she refuses,

then perhaps she should not be allowed access to them. If she chooses to get

help, maybe more light would be shed on her BPD and she might get some help for

that too as well.

Whatever you decide, good luck!

>

> Hi there

> Gosh I have had the worst day! Despite zero contact with nada today and

> yesterday, I spent the whole night awake thinking about my 6,7 year old.

> They love nada to bits but she is such a manipulator. I insist that

> when the girls talk to her on the phone they're on speaker so I can

> supervise the call. They say things like " when we get home to th England

> can we have a house near nanny (nada) so we can go on those long walks

> with her(totally manipulated question) When I lived there before I gave

> her Access to them. Its when we moved away learned about BPD and started

> to frame the alarm bells! I fantasized about her being the doting

> grandmother when in actual fact she wouldn't stop at anything to turn my

> children against me.She displays reckless behavior and drinks and drives

> she also attacks me in front of them. Last time sh visitedI got so angry

> at the way she was bullying my girls at our dinner table I flew at her

> and told her to leave. It was awful, my girls were crying, my hubby took

> them out of the area and then told us both to stop it! I felt so angry

> but also mad at myself for biting but my mother instincts to protect

> kicked in. Obviously she couldn't t go anywhere as she'd been drinking

> vodka all day!

> So my kids think she walks on water! But I am scared about moving closer

> and before that visiting her in 2 weeks! I feel I want to try and place

> some limits in place that my girls need to understand, but how do I do

> that? I had nightmares last night that she kidnapped them!! I'm

> seriously stressed about how to set boundaries without the girls turning

> against me!

> Any suggestions would be sooooo useful! Any ideas for a script and what

> to tell my girls if anything at all???

> I was feeling very self assured but when my daughters made comments

> about " lovely nanny " I feel physically sick and overwhelmed!!

> Mel

>

>

>