Re: How do you protect your children from their BPD grandmother?? / Echobabe

[Guest guest]

Echo,

I was nodding my head wildly as I read your reply to this post.

My mother made my younger daughter a favorite dish yesterday so I went to pick

it up. My older daughter (14 yo) has seen through nada already and knows that

there is no possibility for a real relationship with her so she's not as

affectionate, etc, as my little one.

Anyway, when she gave me the dish--my kids were not with me--nada said, " the

other one (meaning my older daughter) can have some, too, if she wants. " So

dismissive and petty!

Sigh.

> >

> > Hi there

> > Gosh I have had the worst day! Despite zero contact with nada today and

> > yesterday, I spent the whole night awake thinking about my 6,7 year old.

> > They love nada to bits but she is such a manipulator. I insist that

> > when the girls talk to her on the phone they're on speaker so I can

> > supervise the call. They say things like " when we get home to th England

> > can we have a house near nanny (nada) so we can go on those long walks

> > with her(totally manipulated question) When I lived there before I gave

> > her Access to them. Its when we moved away learned about BPD and started

> > to frame the alarm bells! I fantasized about her being the doting

> > grandmother when in actual fact she wouldn't stop at anything to turn my

> > children against me.She displays reckless behavior and drinks and drives

> > she also attacks me in front of them. Last time sh visitedI got so angry

> > at the way she was bullying my girls at our dinner table I flew at her

> > and told her to leave. It was awful, my girls were crying, my hubby took

> > them out of the area and then told us both to stop it! I felt so angry

> > but also mad at myself for biting but my mother instincts to protect

> > kicked in. Obviously she couldn't t go anywhere as she'd been drinking

> > vodka all day!

> > So my kids think she walks on water! But I am scared about moving closer

> > and before that visiting her in 2 weeks! I feel I want to try and place

> > some limits in place that my girls need to understand, but how do I do

> > that? I had nightmares last night that she kidnapped them!! I'm

> > seriously stressed about how to set boundaries without the girls turning

> > against me!

> > Any suggestions would be sooooo useful! Any ideas for a script and what

> > to tell my girls if anything at all???

> > I was feeling very self assured but when my daughters made comments

> > about " lovely nanny " I feel physically sick and overwhelmed!!

> > Mel

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

one thing that I read in a book recently about dealing with nadas when they turn

on us (and our kids) is that it can become a game. you pay yourself for every

hurtful, abusive, or critical thing they say. then you take the money and save

it for something you want. it allows you to detach from taking them too

seriously, and makes it so you can have something to look forward to on visits

instead of dreading them all the time. if she is mean to the kids reward them.

for every visit in which she is mean or as mentioned earlier that has to be cut

off because she is drunk, they get ice cream. it takes the sting out of a bad

experience, and allows you (or them) to realize that they are not responsible

for her unhappiness. and don't feel like they deserve her bad behavior. It also

teaches kids that her treatment of them is not because they are " bad " we were

not given that gift but we can give it to our kids.

my nada LOVES (it is seriously sick) babies, likes kids, and as they get older

she looses interest in the " good " ones, and smears the " bad " ones. she may be

nice now, but your kids will see through her, or have opinions, or show too much

independence some day.

I love what was already said. I find so much empowerment in being an adult!!!

hooray I can finally have some say in my own life! Annie is right. you are in

charge of your kids not her. the loving thing for you to do for everyone (nada

included) is to protect your kids whether anyone but you understands why or not.

Drunks are not good for our kids no matter what the blood relationship is.

for me this is hard because my nada has placed her identity in the hands of all

of us and we need to provide her with our children. she sees out children as

hers (she even says that) and digs her claws in very deep.

good luck moving closer. nadas are really good at making themselves the awesome

" nice " one. kids are easy targets to manipulation nadas are cowards we all know

that too well.

Meikjn

> > >

> > > Hi there

> > > Gosh I have had the worst day! Despite zero contact with nada today and

> > > yesterday, I spent the whole night awake thinking about my 6,7 year old.

> > > They love nada to bits but she is such a manipulator. I insist that

> > > when the girls talk to her on the phone they're on speaker so I can

> > > supervise the call. They say things like " when we get home to th England

> > > can we have a house near nanny (nada) so we can go on those long walks

> > > with her(totally manipulated question) When I lived there before I gave

> > > her Access to them. Its when we moved away learned about BPD and started

> > > to frame the alarm bells! I fantasized about her being the doting

> > > grandmother when in actual fact she wouldn't stop at anything to turn my

> > > children against me.She displays reckless behavior and drinks and drives

> > > she also attacks me in front of them. Last time sh visitedI got so angry

> > > at the way she was bullying my girls at our dinner table I flew at her

> > > and told her to leave. It was awful, my girls were crying, my hubby took

> > > them out of the area and then told us both to stop it! I felt so angry

> > > but also mad at myself for biting but my mother instincts to protect

> > > kicked in. Obviously she couldn't t go anywhere as she'd been drinking

> > > vodka all day!

> > > So my kids think she walks on water! But I am scared about moving closer

> > > and before that visiting her in 2 weeks! I feel I want to try and place

> > > some limits in place that my girls need to understand, but how do I do

> > > that? I had nightmares last night that she kidnapped them!! I'm

> > > seriously stressed about how to set boundaries without the girls turning

> > > against me!

> > > Any suggestions would be sooooo useful! Any ideas for a script and what

> > > to tell my girls if anything at all???

> > > I was feeling very self assured but when my daughters made comments

> > > about " lovely nanny " I feel physically sick and overwhelmed!!

> > > Mel

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Wow I never thought of rewarding my children when nada acts out and we have to

leave! Very interesting idea. I can see how it would attempt to calm and

reassure the children that they are not the problem. Thanks for the input.

Yes nada does love babies, and the more I really think about it whenever she

calls up she always says " how's MY girls " , I always reply by saying " THE girls

are well, thanks "

As for nada's drinking you're very right. I was brought up around nada drinking

and her parents too. I would get knots in my stomach whenever everyone got

together as it always ended up in major drama! It makes me paranoid to drink

wine in front of my girls especially if I end up arguing with nada as this

reinforces negativity around alcohol! See, I'm constantly scanning my behavior

to see if I'm at fault too! I gotta stop that!

Thanks again for your ideas, I truly appreciate it!

Mel x

> > > >

> > > > Hi there

> > > > Gosh I have had the worst day! Despite zero contact with nada today and

> > > > yesterday, I spent the whole night awake thinking about my 6,7 year old.

> > > > They love nada to bits but she is such a manipulator. I insist that

> > > > when the girls talk to her on the phone they're on speaker so I can

> > > > supervise the call. They say things like " when we get home to th England

> > > > can we have a house near nanny (nada) so we can go on those long walks

> > > > with her(totally manipulated question) When I lived there before I gave

> > > > her Access to them. Its when we moved away learned about BPD and started

> > > > to frame the alarm bells! I fantasized about her being the doting

> > > > grandmother when in actual fact she wouldn't stop at anything to turn my

> > > > children against me.She displays reckless behavior and drinks and drives

> > > > she also attacks me in front of them. Last time sh visitedI got so angry

> > > > at the way she was bullying my girls at our dinner table I flew at her

> > > > and told her to leave. It was awful, my girls were crying, my hubby took

> > > > them out of the area and then told us both to stop it! I felt so angry

> > > > but also mad at myself for biting but my mother instincts to protect

> > > > kicked in. Obviously she couldn't t go anywhere as she'd been drinking

> > > > vodka all day!

> > > > So my kids think she walks on water! But I am scared about moving closer

> > > > and before that visiting her in 2 weeks! I feel I want to try and place

> > > > some limits in place that my girls need to understand, but how do I do

> > > > that? I had nightmares last night that she kidnapped them!! I'm

> > > > seriously stressed about how to set boundaries without the girls turning

> > > > against me!

> > > > Any suggestions would be sooooo useful! Any ideas for a script and what

> > > > to tell my girls if anything at all???

> > > > I was feeling very self assured but when my daughters made comments

> > > > about " lovely nanny " I feel physically sick and overwhelmed!!

> > > > Mel

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

Oh... my... gosh, that is a BRILLIANT idea!!!! The reward thing, omg!

I just told my hubby about it. We're giving his likely BPD ex wife a

notification of how he will only communicate with her in the future

and I said, " We could buy a new TV before you know it! " hehe.

Wow that's brilliant, thanks for sharing that =)

Mia

>

>

>

> one thing that I read in a book recently about dealing with nadas when they

turn on us (and our kids) is that it can become a game. you pay yourself for

every hurtful, abusive, or critical thing they say. then you take the money and

save it for something you want. it allows you to detach from taking them too

seriously, and makes it so you can have something to look forward to on visits

instead of dreading them all the time. if she is mean to the kids reward them.

for every visit in which she is mean or as mentioned earlier that has to be cut

off because she is drunk, they get ice cream. it takes the sting out of a bad

experience, and allows you (or them) to realize that they are not responsible

for her unhappiness. and don't feel like they deserve her bad behavior. It also

teaches kids that her treatment of them is not because they are " bad " we were

not given that gift but we can give it to our kids.