How I protect my grandchildren from Nada.

[Guest guest]

Whenever she starts her ranting,meanness or hatefulness with one or both of my

of grandkids, I just jump up and say, " Hey, who wants to go get ice cream? " They

'know' something isn't right with her behavior. Usually when we get in the car,

they will ask 'Why is she so mean?' I tell them she is " not quite right in the

head " and then change the converstion to a happy subject. Sometimes I go back

and sometimes I don't (or just take the kids home now they she is living with

me). Most of the time, when we go back, she is nice as pie. She knows I am not

going to let her treat my grandchildren that way but she just can't seem to

control herself.

[Guest guest]

Kudos to you for whisking your grandchildren away from their bpd

great-grand-nada when she acts out with ranting rage-tantrums or other nastiness

directed at the kids. That is you taking charge of the situation, you being the

adult, and you as " mother bear " protecting the kids from being unnecessarily

traumatized by unwarranted verbal/emotional abuse. That's great that you are

explaining to them that its NOT them, that they, the kids, are not bad people

and do not deserve to be screamed at or raged at for no reason, but its because

great-grandma is " not right in the head. " Thumbs up of encouragement and

approval from me!

-Annie

>

> Whenever she starts her ranting,meanness or hatefulness with one or both of

my of grandkids, I just jump up and say, " Hey, who wants to go get ice cream? "

They 'know' something isn't right with her behavior. Usually when we get in the

car, they will ask 'Why is she so mean?' I tell them she is " not quite right in

the head " and then change the converstion to a happy subject. Sometimes I go

back and sometimes I don't (or just take the kids home now they she is living

with me). Most of the time, when we go back, she is nice as pie. She knows I am

not going to let her treat my grandchildren that way but she just can't seem to

control herself.

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Annie. My grandchildren are precious to me and I refuse to let her abuse

and traumatize them the way she did me. I don't know which repulses me more, the

artificial 'sweetness' or the hatefulness. When she acts 'too'nice,when we come

back, it's like she is trying to say to me, " See, it's not me. " but at least she

is not being mean to the kids. They are probably confused at the sudden

'dripping of honey'. We don't stay long, I get them the heck out of there before

she starts again. She can't maintain that act very long.

[Guest guest]

that's a creative way of dealing with nada! and keeping the kids gently

informed of her instability as a grandparent. Good for you!

>

> Whenever she starts her ranting,meanness or hatefulness with one or both of

my of grandkids, I just jump up and say, " Hey, who wants to go get ice cream? "

They 'know' something isn't right with her behavior. Usually when we get in the

car, they will ask 'Why is she so mean?' I tell them she is " not quite right in

the head " and then change the converstion to a happy subject. Sometimes I go

back and sometimes I don't (or just take the kids home now they she is living

with me). Most of the time, when we go back, she is nice as pie. She knows I am

not going to let her treat my grandchildren that way but she just can't seem to

control herself.

>

[Guest guest]

My younger Sister would mention this to me rather often, when she was taking

care of our recently deceased mom over the last 10 years or so, how truly creepy

mom's fake " sweetness " was and how easy it was for Sister to tell when mom was

being artificially nice and when mom was genuinely in a good mood and happy with

Sister.

I think that when I was still in contact with mom, I would just sink into

" zombie robot " mode aka emotional shut-down so that for the most part

mom's/nada's mood swings didn't register with me, a form of coping I adopted as

a child. Like being there physically but not emotionally.

But the survival mechanisms that kept us alive as children can be

counterproductive once we reach adulthood, and can keep us in a child-state

instead of allowing us to mature into an adult's state: being on an equal power

level as our parents.

Again, I'm glad for you and for your grandkids that you found a method of coping

with your nada that works to protect both you and your grand-kids from your

nada's toxic behaviors.

-Annie

>

> Thanks Annie. My grandchildren are precious to me and I refuse to let her

abuse and traumatize them the way she did me. I don't know which repulses me

more, the artificial 'sweetness' or the hatefulness. When she acts

'too'nice,when we come back, it's like she is trying to say to me, " See, it's

not me. " but at least she is not being mean to the kids. They are probably

confused at the sudden 'dripping of honey'. We don't stay long, I get them the

heck out of there before she starts again. She can't maintain that act very

long.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

I was wondering about NADA too. I question how to deal with her seeing my kids

(they are 2yo and 4yo). I feel like short visits are fine -- she doesn't like

coming to my house so we go to hers -- I figure it's just a control issue since

she feels more comfortable in her home. I keep the visits to a 2 hr. max.

I feel guilty that NADA is hard to deal with and that my kids don't have a

genuine, loving grandma. She lives a few miles away and only calls if she needs

something from us (can you fix my computer, needs something cleaned, etc.). She

has never helped me if I had asked her for help with the kids. If she has helped

(she volunteers randomly and only a handful of times in the 5+ past years), she

comes in with a chip on her shoulder and is mean to us.

I always keep things positive with my kids and don't say anything that would

demean NADA in their eyes. The shocking thing was that my 4yo said NADA can be

mean at times. It saddens me that a 4yo finds his grandma mean. This resonated

with me because I was thinking back to my childhood and remembered feeling that

my mom was mean and I was scared of her, and I think I was only 5yo or so.

Holidays can be brutal -- NADA always has these lofty expectations and if they

fall short she is nasty to us. It makes me sad that my kids can't have " normal "

holidays with their grandma. I think for Easter we may do things on our own. But

how do I deal with my kids asking where their grandma is? We have always

included her in celebrating the holidays, like Xmas and Easter, 4th of July,

etc. I don't want to lie, but if they do ask where she is, I will need to figure

out an answer.

If I cut off contact with NADA (and I've wanted to many times) I think that this

will be detrimental to my kids. I think it would be selfish of me to end my kids

relationship with their grandma.

How do you handle NADA w/ the grandkids?

Thanks for reading/listening

Aly

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I don't know your situation but based on what other people on the group

have said, you will probably be saving your children if you get them away

from her. Good luck. I hope other people will share their reasons. I don't

have kids but I would definitely not let my parents around my kids or any.

And I hear this whole, " I feel guilty because my kids deserve grandparents

.. . . " thing often. I believe it's a trap. I deserved parents too but I

didn't get any. Theres no use trying to turn these people into parents of

grandparents.

> **

>

>

> Hi all,

>

> I was wondering about NADA too. I question how to deal with her seeing my

> kids (they are 2yo and 4yo). I feel like short visits are fine -- she

> doesn't like coming to my house so we go to hers -- I figure it's just a

> control issue since she feels more comfortable in her home. I keep the

> visits to a 2 hr. max.

>

> I feel guilty that NADA is hard to deal with and that my kids don't have a

> genuine, loving grandma. She lives a few miles away and only calls if she

> needs something from us (can you fix my computer, needs something cleaned,

> etc.). She has never helped me if I had asked her for help with the kids.

> If she has helped (she volunteers randomly and only a handful of times in

> the 5+ past years), she comes in with a chip on her shoulder and is mean to

> us.

>

> I always keep things positive with my kids and don't say anything that

> would demean NADA in their eyes. The shocking thing was that my 4yo said

> NADA can be mean at times. It saddens me that a 4yo finds his grandma mean.

> This resonated with me because I was thinking back to my childhood and

> remembered feeling that my mom was mean and I was scared of her, and I

> think I was only 5yo or so.

>

> Holidays can be brutal -- NADA always has these lofty expectations and if

> they fall short she is nasty to us. It makes me sad that my kids can't have

> " normal " holidays with their grandma. I think for Easter we may do things

> on our own. But how do I deal with my kids asking where their grandma is?

> We have always included her in celebrating the holidays, like Xmas and

> Easter, 4th of July, etc. I don't want to lie, but if they do ask where she

> is, I will need to figure out an answer.

>

> If I cut off contact with NADA (and I've wanted to many times) I think

> that this will be detrimental to my kids. I think it would be selfish of me

> to end my kids relationship with their grandma.

>

> How do you handle NADA w/ the grandkids?

>

> Thanks for reading/listening

>

> Aly

>

>

>