Re: Why didn’t I think of this sooner?

[Guest guest]

(((((Tag)))))

That is really, really great that you found a workable way to manage your nada's

care that limits her ability/opportunity to threaten you and emotionally

terrorize you.

That took a lot of creativity and courage to get your sister involved; it was

brilliant, actually. I think you are right and having your sister involved now

will help minimize issues between you RE your nada's finances/distribution of

any inheritances after nada passes away.

My nada passed away in December, and I noticed that when I went to visit her

there near the end, that nada was behaving sweetly to me, the mostly Golden

Child who had gone No Contact with her (out of self-preservation) and nada was

treating my Sister, the mostly Scapegoated Child with disrespect and barely

concealed hostility, even though my Sister had been the one right there helping

nada, caring for her, and physically being there for nada for 10+ years.

They really do those horrible things to their kids; its very real. Nadas are

capable of blatantly favoritizing and lionizing one child while

denigrating/devaluing another, and that can make the siblings rivals and can

estrange them from each other so easily.

I'm so glad for you that you and your sister can have at least a cordial and

workable relationship, and that her cooperation is helping you endure taking

care of nada with less stress and damage.

Kudos to you! Big thumb's up of encouragement and approval from me!

-Annie

>

> In my life as a daughter with a BPD mother, there have been very few success

stories in my handling of the ups and downs I have faced. I have posted here

many times with stories of utter despair that had no hope of resolution. And,

of course, I have received much love and support when it all seemed completely

hopeless. Today, I think I can share a small victory. For those of you trying

to figure out what you should do with an aging BPD, I share this story.

>

> My mother is 89 years old. I should have gotten out long ago and gone No

Contact, but I didn't and I have committed (to myself) to see her through the

end of her life. It has been increasingly difficult and recently became

physically dangerous for me to continue without some major shift in my approach.

I included the details in a previous post, but I will briefly state that my Nada

trapped me in a bedroom in her house and would not let me leave. She also made

several comments about killing me. Obviously, this is no joke and could not be

overlooked. Following these incidents, my husband forbade me to go to my Nada's

house ever again without having someone with me.

>

> Because of my troubled relationship with my sister, I didn't immediately think

I could ask her for help, but I finally decided to contact her to tell her what

was happening and that it was time that we shared the responsibility for

visiting Nada to handle her paperwork, mail, bills, etc. Handling these items

is something I had done on my own for about 15 years, but it was clear to me

that I could not put myself in the position of being alone in the house with my

Nada. At 89 years old, she is as wily and evil as ever, if not more so. My

request that my sister join me every two weeks at my Mom's was met with a great

deal of resistance at first, but when I said it was a " take it or leave it "

situation and that it was the only way I would continue to help, my sister

agreed.

>

> It has been a little over a month now and I am happy to say that having my

sister join in the visits has kind of " disarmed " my mother. Because I am the

all-bad-daughter and my sister is the all-good-daughter, my mother is on her

best behavior when we visit. Sure – there is the occasional bizarre comment or

insult lobbed in my direction, but for the most part things go very well. My

mother still tries to get me there alone, but there is no way that's going to

happen. My sister and I met at my Nada's last night and could not believe it

when I was driving home without feeling like I had gone through a meat grinder.

It's also been very interesting for me to see the interaction between my Mom and

my sister. It explains why my sister could never understand why I was upset and

struggling with Mom – she has never seen the rages and craziness. The visits

are not social in nature because I will never be able to heal the relationship

with my sister, but they are at least calm and cordial.

>

> Probably the best thing this has done is to give me a sense of pride at being

able to effectively handle a BPD lunatic like my Mom. For the first time, I

feel like I am in the driver's seat and feel like a grown up when I am around

her. I'm 49, but when I was alone with her at her house, I felt like a helpless

child. When I came home last night, my husband and I had dinner, watched TV and

had a lovely evening. Normally, I would be sitting on the couch like a

vegetable.

>

> I just want to throw this out there. Even if you have a messy relationship

with siblings or other family members, it might be possible to ask for help and

to use them as a buffer if there are things you need to get done for your

parent. My sister and I go to Nada's every 2 to 3 weeks. I still wish I had

gone No Contact years ago before it was too late, but this Limited Contact is

allowing me to take care of my mother like I always hoped I would be able to. I

also feel that I am forcing my sister to observe and be aware of my handling of

Mom's finances which may (or may not) help me to avoid a big mess when Mom

passes away. I know – I'm being optimistic with that, but still.

>

> I hope this helps in some way. Hugs to all of you who are dealing with aging

parents.

>

> Tag

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much, Annie - that really means a lot.

> >

> > In my life as a daughter with a BPD mother, there have been very few success

stories in my handling of the ups and downs I have faced. I have posted here

many times with stories of utter despair that had no hope of resolution. And,

of course, I have received much love and support when it all seemed completely

hopeless. Today, I think I can share a small victory. For those of you trying

to figure out what you should do with an aging BPD, I share this story.

> >

> > My mother is 89 years old. I should have gotten out long ago and gone No

Contact, but I didn't and I have committed (to myself) to see her through the

end of her life. It has been increasingly difficult and recently became

physically dangerous for me to continue without some major shift in my approach.

I included the details in a previous post, but I will briefly state that my Nada

trapped me in a bedroom in her house and would not let me leave. She also made

several comments about killing me. Obviously, this is no joke and could not be

overlooked. Following these incidents, my husband forbade me to go to my Nada's

house ever again without having someone with me.

> >

> > Because of my troubled relationship with my sister, I didn't immediately

think I could ask her for help, but I finally decided to contact her to tell her

what was happening and that it was time that we shared the responsibility for

visiting Nada to handle her paperwork, mail, bills, etc. Handling these items

is something I had done on my own for about 15 years, but it was clear to me

that I could not put myself in the position of being alone in the house with my

Nada. At 89 years old, she is as wily and evil as ever, if not more so. My

request that my sister join me every two weeks at my Mom's was met with a great

deal of resistance at first, but when I said it was a " take it or leave it "

situation and that it was the only way I would continue to help, my sister

agreed.

> >

> > It has been a little over a month now and I am happy to say that having my

sister join in the visits has kind of " disarmed " my mother. Because I am the

all-bad-daughter and my sister is the all-good-daughter, my mother is on her

best behavior when we visit. Sure – there is the occasional bizarre comment or

insult lobbed in my direction, but for the most part things go very well. My

mother still tries to get me there alone, but there is no way that's going to

happen. My sister and I met at my Nada's last night and could not believe it

when I was driving home without feeling like I had gone through a meat grinder.

It's also been very interesting for me to see the interaction between my Mom and

my sister. It explains why my sister could never understand why I was upset and

struggling with Mom – she has never seen the rages and craziness. The visits

are not social in nature because I will never be able to heal the relationship

with my sister, but they are at least calm and cordial.

> >

> > Probably the best thing this has done is to give me a sense of pride at

being able to effectively handle a BPD lunatic like my Mom. For the first time,

I feel like I am in the driver's seat and feel like a grown up when I am around

her. I'm 49, but when I was alone with her at her house, I felt like a helpless

child. When I came home last night, my husband and I had dinner, watched TV and

had a lovely evening. Normally, I would be sitting on the couch like a

vegetable.

> >

> > I just want to throw this out there. Even if you have a messy relationship

with siblings or other family members, it might be possible to ask for help and

to use them as a buffer if there are things you need to get done for your

parent. My sister and I go to Nada's every 2 to 3 weeks. I still wish I had

gone No Contact years ago before it was too late, but this Limited Contact is

allowing me to take care of my mother like I always hoped I would be able to. I

also feel that I am forcing my sister to observe and be aware of my handling of

Mom's finances which may (or may not) help me to avoid a big mess when Mom

passes away. I know – I'm being optimistic with that, but still.

> >

> > I hope this helps in some way. Hugs to all of you who are dealing with

aging parents.

> >

> > Tag

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Awesome Tag! I'm so glad for you - I remember feeling scared for you reading

your account of how your nada tried to trap you in the room. It is fair and

right that your sister should be involved too especially with you handling

everything for fifteen years. I am very worried about my own aging nada

situation so it's great to hear someone having some success with it.

Eliza

>

> In my life as a daughter with a BPD mother, there have been very few success

stories in my handling of the ups and downs I have faced. I have posted here

many times with stories of utter despair that had no hope of resolution. And,

of course, I have received much love and support when it all seemed completely

hopeless. Today, I think I can share a small victory. For those of you trying

to figure out what you should do with an aging BPD, I share this story.

>

> My mother is 89 years old. I should have gotten out long ago and gone No

Contact, but I didn't and I have committed (to myself) to see her through the

end of her life. It has been increasingly difficult and recently became

physically dangerous for me to continue without some major shift in my approach.

I included the details in a previous post, but I will briefly state that my Nada

trapped me in a bedroom in her house and would not let me leave. She also made

several comments about killing me. Obviously, this is no joke and could not be

overlooked. Following these incidents, my husband forbade me to go to my Nada's

house ever again without having someone with me.

>

> Because of my troubled relationship with my sister, I didn't immediately think

I could ask her for help, but I finally decided to contact her to tell her what

was happening and that it was time that we shared the responsibility for

visiting Nada to handle her paperwork, mail, bills, etc. Handling these items

is something I had done on my own for about 15 years, but it was clear to me

that I could not put myself in the position of being alone in the house with my

Nada. At 89 years old, she is as wily and evil as ever, if not more so. My

request that my sister join me every two weeks at my Mom's was met with a great

deal of resistance at first, but when I said it was a " take it or leave it "

situation and that it was the only way I would continue to help, my sister

agreed.

>

> It has been a little over a month now and I am happy to say that having my

sister join in the visits has kind of " disarmed " my mother. Because I am the

all-bad-daughter and my sister is the all-good-daughter, my mother is on her

best behavior when we visit. Sure – there is the occasional bizarre comment or

insult lobbed in my direction, but for the most part things go very well. My

mother still tries to get me there alone, but there is no way that's going to

happen. My sister and I met at my Nada's last night and could not believe it

when I was driving home without feeling like I had gone through a meat grinder.

It's also been very interesting for me to see the interaction between my Mom and

my sister. It explains why my sister could never understand why I was upset and

struggling with Mom – she has never seen the rages and craziness. The visits

are not social in nature because I will never be able to heal the relationship

with my sister, but they are at least calm and cordial.

>

> Probably the best thing this has done is to give me a sense of pride at being

able to effectively handle a BPD lunatic like my Mom. For the first time, I

feel like I am in the driver's seat and feel like a grown up when I am around

her. I'm 49, but when I was alone with her at her house, I felt like a helpless

child. When I came home last night, my husband and I had dinner, watched TV and

had a lovely evening. Normally, I would be sitting on the couch like a

vegetable.

>

> I just want to throw this out there. Even if you have a messy relationship

with siblings or other family members, it might be possible to ask for help and

to use them as a buffer if there are things you need to get done for your

parent. My sister and I go to Nada's every 2 to 3 weeks. I still wish I had

gone No Contact years ago before it was too late, but this Limited Contact is

allowing me to take care of my mother like I always hoped I would be able to. I

also feel that I am forcing my sister to observe and be aware of my handling of

Mom's finances which may (or may not) help me to avoid a big mess when Mom

passes away. I know – I'm being optimistic with that, but still.

>

> I hope this helps in some way. Hugs to all of you who are dealing with aging

parents.

>

> Tag

>

[Guest guest]

I'm so glad that worked out, Tag, that your sister agreed to your requests.

That's huge and goes a long way toward your quality of life in caring for your

mother.

>

> In my life as a daughter with a BPD mother, there have been very few success

stories in my handling of the ups and downs I have faced. I have posted here

many times with stories of utter despair that had no hope of resolution. And,

of course, I have received much love and support when it all seemed completely

hopeless. Today, I think I can share a small victory. For those of you trying

to figure out what you should do with an aging BPD, I share this story.

>

> My mother is 89 years old. I should have gotten out long ago and gone No

Contact, but I didn't and I have committed (to myself) to see her through the

end of her life. It has been increasingly difficult and recently became

physically dangerous for me to continue without some major shift in my approach.

I included the details in a previous post, but I will briefly state that my Nada

trapped me in a bedroom in her house and would not let me leave. She also made

several comments about killing me. Obviously, this is no joke and could not be

overlooked. Following these incidents, my husband forbade me to go to my Nada's

house ever again without having someone with me.

>

> Because of my troubled relationship with my sister, I didn't immediately think

I could ask her for help, but I finally decided to contact her to tell her what

was happening and that it was time that we shared the responsibility for

visiting Nada to handle her paperwork, mail, bills, etc. Handling these items

is something I had done on my own for about 15 years, but it was clear to me

that I could not put myself in the position of being alone in the house with my

Nada. At 89 years old, she is as wily and evil as ever, if not more so. My

request that my sister join me every two weeks at my Mom's was met with a great

deal of resistance at first, but when I said it was a " take it or leave it "

situation and that it was the only way I would continue to help, my sister

agreed.

>

> It has been a little over a month now and I am happy to say that having my

sister join in the visits has kind of " disarmed " my mother. Because I am the

all-bad-daughter and my sister is the all-good-daughter, my mother is on her

best behavior when we visit. Sure – there is the occasional bizarre comment or

insult lobbed in my direction, but for the most part things go very well. My

mother still tries to get me there alone, but there is no way that's going to

happen. My sister and I met at my Nada's last night and could not believe it

when I was driving home without feeling like I had gone through a meat grinder.

It's also been very interesting for me to see the interaction between my Mom and

my sister. It explains why my sister could never understand why I was upset and

struggling with Mom – she has never seen the rages and craziness. The visits

are not social in nature because I will never be able to heal the relationship

with my sister, but they are at least calm and cordial.

>

> Probably the best thing this has done is to give me a sense of pride at being

able to effectively handle a BPD lunatic like my Mom. For the first time, I

feel like I am in the driver's seat and feel like a grown up when I am around

her. I'm 49, but when I was alone with her at her house, I felt like a helpless

child. When I came home last night, my husband and I had dinner, watched TV and

had a lovely evening. Normally, I would be sitting on the couch like a

vegetable.

>

> I just want to throw this out there. Even if you have a messy relationship

with siblings or other family members, it might be possible to ask for help and

to use them as a buffer if there are things you need to get done for your

parent. My sister and I go to Nada's every 2 to 3 weeks. I still wish I had

gone No Contact years ago before it was too late, but this Limited Contact is

allowing me to take care of my mother like I always hoped I would be able to. I

also feel that I am forcing my sister to observe and be aware of my handling of

Mom's finances which may (or may not) help me to avoid a big mess when Mom

passes away. I know – I'm being optimistic with that, but still.

>

> I hope this helps in some way. Hugs to all of you who are dealing with aging

parents.

>

> Tag

>