Why didn’t I think of this sooner?

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In my life as a daughter with a BPD mother, there have been very few success

stories in my handling of the ups and downs I have faced. I have posted here

many times with stories of utter despair that had no hope of resolution. And,

of course, I have received much love and support when it all seemed completely

hopeless. Today, I think I can share a small victory. For those of you trying

to figure out what you should do with an aging BPD, I share this story.

My mother is 89 years old. I should have gotten out long ago and gone No

Contact, but I didn't and I have committed (to myself) to see her through the

end of her life. It has been increasingly difficult and recently became

physically dangerous for me to continue without some major shift in my approach.

I included the details in a previous post, but I will briefly state that my Nada

trapped me in a bedroom in her house and would not let me leave. She also made

several comments about killing me. Obviously, this is no joke and could not be

overlooked. Following these incidents, my husband forbade me to go to my Nada's

house ever again without having someone with me.

Because of my troubled relationship with my sister, I didn't immediately think I

could ask her for help, but I finally decided to contact her to tell her what

was happening and that it was time that we shared the responsibility for

visiting Nada to handle her paperwork, mail, bills, etc. Handling these items

is something I had done on my own for about 15 years, but it was clear to me

that I could not put myself in the position of being alone in the house with my

Nada. At 89 years old, she is as wily and evil as ever, if not more so. My

request that my sister join me every two weeks at my Mom's was met with a great

deal of resistance at first, but when I said it was a " take it or leave it "

situation and that it was the only way I would continue to help, my sister

agreed.

It has been a little over a month now and I am happy to say that having my

sister join in the visits has kind of " disarmed " my mother. Because I am the

all-bad-daughter and my sister is the all-good-daughter, my mother is on her

best behavior when we visit. Sure – there is the occasional bizarre comment or

insult lobbed in my direction, but for the most part things go very well. My

mother still tries to get me there alone, but there is no way that's going to

happen. My sister and I met at my Nada's last night and could not believe it

when I was driving home without feeling like I had gone through a meat grinder.

It's also been very interesting for me to see the interaction between my Mom and

my sister. It explains why my sister could never understand why I was upset and

struggling with Mom – she has never seen the rages and craziness. The visits

are not social in nature because I will never be able to heal the relationship

with my sister, but they are at least calm and cordial.

Probably the best thing this has done is to give me a sense of pride at being

able to effectively handle a BPD lunatic like my Mom. For the first time, I

feel like I am in the driver's seat and feel like a grown up when I am around

her. I'm 49, but when I was alone with her at her house, I felt like a helpless

child. When I came home last night, my husband and I had dinner, watched TV and

had a lovely evening. Normally, I would be sitting on the couch like a

vegetable.

I just want to throw this out there. Even if you have a messy relationship with

siblings or other family members, it might be possible to ask for help and to

use them as a buffer if there are things you need to get done for your parent.

My sister and I go to Nada's every 2 to 3 weeks. I still wish I had gone No

Contact years ago before it was too late, but this Limited Contact is allowing

me to take care of my mother like I always hoped I would be able to. I also

feel that I am forcing my sister to observe and be aware of my handling of Mom's

finances which may (or may not) help me to avoid a big mess when Mom passes

away. I know – I'm being optimistic with that, but still.

I hope this helps in some way. Hugs to all of you who are dealing with aging

parents.

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