battered spouse syndrome

[Guest guest]

I was thinking about this earlier and it kind of got me annoyed, that it is so

socially acceptable to encourage people who have been abused by spouses or

significant others (and I have, twice) to leave, leave, leave. People are told

over and over again about the cycle of abuse and how it will happen again no

matter how nice they are and they will eventually act out again and you are just

supposed to leave.

It hit me how different that is from all the messages I have gotten from society

about parents and our obligations to those relationships, we are supposed to

forgive, forgive, forgive, crawl on our knees over broken glass and eat doo-doo

or whatever else might be asked of us, because they are parents. It occurs to me

that most of this advice is given by other parents. I supposed if you convened a

group of wife-beaters and asked them what to do they might tell everyone to just

go back to the spouse, wear a helmet and a bullet proof vest, but just forgive

and just keep taking the abuse and going back.

i don't know why I got hung up on the contrast between these two groups, that

society is up in arms to save the battered women, and for the life of them can't

understand the woman on the tv show Cops lying to the police and crying when the

significant other is going to get arrested (and I have been that woman) and

intones, 'but why does she keep going baaa-ack'?

it's strange to me that no one ever said that to me, about my horrific

relationship with my parents, until I came here.

I am in pretty deep reflection about it because I sent my mother an email and

asked her to return to me the cedar chest my pedophile grandfather bequeathed to

me in his will. After the funeral she told me very hatefully that she was not

going to let me have this bequest, because I 'didn't go see him in the hospital

when he was sick' (this was during the time I had spiraled into chemical

dependency and was self-injuring, etc..I had only recovered the memories a few

years prior...needless to say I wasn't going to be visiting him).

That chest would have been a very small parcel of the tremendous damage done to

me by this man. When I look back on it now, I realize THAT should have been the

end, finito, caput, etc, of my relationship with my mother. SHE sent me to him

to be abused and she knew about the abuse after it happened and she still

allowed him to babysit etc. In the email I described to her what I thought

would be a normal reaction to the situation of a helping a daughter deal with a

bequest like that...needless to say it didn't include shaming or castigation of

any kind. To have written that is a huge breakthrough for me because that has

not been discussed in 22 years, since it happened. But for the life of me I

can't figure out why I kept going back, keep going back...and the damage they

did far surpasses the abusive relationships I had.

[Guest guest]

I think you are right: there appears to be an enormous double standard in place.

Battered wives are encouraged to leave their battering husbands and there are

even support systems in place such as battered women's shelters to help them.

Battered children are not accorded the same support, it seems. Parental abuse

is not exactly encouraged, but it is definitely minimized, or denied entirely,

or the child is threatened into not speaking of it, and made to believe that he

or she deserves the abuse and that its " normal. "

Its only if the abuse is so outrageously blatant and severe that its at the

point of being *life-threatening* to the child, it would seem, that anything is

ever done.

I think that children's rights are the last frontier. It used to be that only

white, land-owning adult males had civil rights or human rights. Then,

non-white adult males were declared to be human beings with human rights, and

not mere property. Then, adult women gained the right to " own themselves " , to

own and inherit property, to get a divorce, and later to vote.

Children are still the " property " of their parents, for all intents and

purposes. A minor child can't call up a law firm on the phone and ask for a

restraining order against a battering parent or bring assault charges. A child

can't be represented individually by a lawyer or request a " divorce " and

" alimony " or financial support from his or her parents, like an adult can; the

child does not have rights because he or she is a minor.

So, anyway. I agree with you. A battered spouse can expect sympathy and

support and even assistance to leave the relationship from our government and

our society, but children don't have the same support, and are instead told to

be better children, to just " get along " with the battering, or negligent, or

toxic parent, are told to " work it out in therapy. " And the child is told,

" But, she's your m-o-o-t-ther. " or " But he's your f-a-a-ther. "

-Annie

>

> I was thinking about this earlier and it kind of got me annoyed, that it is so

socially acceptable to encourage people who have been abused by spouses or

significant others (and I have, twice) to leave, leave, leave. People are told

over and over again about the cycle of abuse and how it will happen again no

matter how nice they are and they will eventually act out again and you are just

supposed to leave.

>

> It hit me how different that is from all the messages I have gotten from

society about parents and our obligations to those relationships, we are

supposed to forgive, forgive, forgive, crawl on our knees over broken glass and

eat doo-doo or whatever else might be asked of us, because they are parents. It

occurs to me that most of this advice is given by other parents. I supposed if

you convened a group of wife-beaters and asked them what to do they might tell

everyone to just go back to the spouse, wear a helmet and a bullet proof vest,

but just forgive and just keep taking the abuse and going back.

>

> i don't know why I got hung up on the contrast between these two groups, that

society is up in arms to save the battered women, and for the life of them can't

understand the woman on the tv show Cops lying to the police and crying when the

significant other is going to get arrested (and I have been that woman) and

intones, 'but why does she keep going baaa-ack'?

>

> it's strange to me that no one ever said that to me, about my horrific

relationship with my parents, until I came here.

>

> I am in pretty deep reflection about it because I sent my mother an email and

asked her to return to me the cedar chest my pedophile grandfather bequeathed to

me in his will. After the funeral she told me very hatefully that she was not

going to let me have this bequest, because I 'didn't go see him in the hospital

when he was sick' (this was during the time I had spiraled into chemical

dependency and was self-injuring, etc..I had only recovered the memories a few

years prior...needless to say I wasn't going to be visiting him).

>

> That chest would have been a very small parcel of the tremendous damage done

to me by this man. When I look back on it now, I realize THAT should have been

the end, finito, caput, etc, of my relationship with my mother. SHE sent me to

him to be abused and she knew about the abuse after it happened and she still

allowed him to babysit etc. In the email I described to her what I thought

would be a normal reaction to the situation of a helping a daughter deal with a

bequest like that...needless to say it didn't include shaming or castigation of

any kind. To have written that is a huge breakthrough for me because that has

not been discussed in 22 years, since it happened. But for the life of me I

can't figure out why I kept going back, keep going back...and the damage they

did far surpasses the abusive relationships I had.

>

[Guest guest]

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

I simply had not thought of it in that context. What a tremendous point you

make. I have read posts from Annie that bring up this issue and eloquently

highlight the fact that abuse from parents is REAL abuse and in so many ways can

be worse, more insidious.

I owe it not only to myself but to my own children to protect them from terribly

unhealthy influences. For heaven's sake, I screen their media viewing. Why on

earth wouldn't I carefully limit their interaction with toxic people???!!!

Thanks!

-Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> I was thinking about this earlier and it kind of got me annoyed, that it is so

socially acceptable to encourage people who have been abused by spouses or

significant others (and I have, twice) to leave, leave, leave. People are told

over and over again about the cycle of abuse and how it will happen again no

matter how nice they are and they will eventually act out again and you are just

supposed to leave.

>

> It hit me how different that is from all the messages I have gotten from

society about parents and our obligations to those relationships, we are

supposed to forgive, forgive, forgive, crawl on our knees over broken glass and

eat doo-doo or whatever else might be asked of us, because they are parents. It

occurs to me that most of this advice is given by other parents. I supposed if

you convened a group of wife-beaters and asked them what to do they might tell

everyone to just go back to the spouse, wear a helmet and a bullet proof vest,

but just forgive and just keep taking the abuse and going back.

>

> i don't know why I got hung up on the contrast between these two groups, that

society is up in arms to save the battered women, and for the life of them can't

understand the woman on the tv show Cops lying to the police and crying when the

significant other is going to get arrested (and I have been that woman) and

intones, 'but why does she keep going baaa-ack'?

>

> it's strange to me that no one ever said that to me, about my horrific

relationship with my parents, until I came here.

>

> I am in pretty deep reflection about it because I sent my mother an email and

asked her to return to me the cedar chest my pedophile grandfather bequeathed to

me in his will. After the funeral she told me very hatefully that she was not

going to let me have this bequest, because I 'didn't go see him in the hospital

when he was sick' (this was during the time I had spiraled into chemical

dependency and was self-injuring, etc..I had only recovered the memories a few

years prior...needless to say I wasn't going to be visiting him).

>

> That chest would have been a very small parcel of the tremendous damage done

to me by this man. When I look back on it now, I realize THAT should have been

the end, finito, caput, etc, of my relationship with my mother. SHE sent me to

him to be abused and she knew about the abuse after it happened and she still

allowed him to babysit etc. In the email I described to her what I thought

would be a normal reaction to the situation of a helping a daughter deal with a

bequest like that...needless to say it didn't include shaming or castigation of

any kind. To have written that is a huge breakthrough for me because that has

not been discussed in 22 years, since it happened. But for the life of me I

can't figure out why I kept going back, keep going back...and the damage they

did far surpasses the abusive relationships I had.

>

[Guest guest]

In total agreement with you guys. It's shocking to me how the burden to take it

and forgive it endlessly falls on the children of any age. The other day I read

something that made me so sad - it was on a spiritually focused forum that I'm

on. A young woman still living at home about 21 was writing because she

believed her SOUL was bad. She believed this because she's basically split

black and her entire family led by her mother emotionally and verbally abuses

her and she gets similar treatment out in the world too. For someone to

believe their very soul is bad rather than call a spade a spade that their

family is effed up is so sad to me. I tried to help her but I don't know if

she's even in a place where she could take it in. I remember as a child

believing I was evil as well because I lied a lot to get space and safety, but

the idea that it was my mother that was bad was beyond my imagining then.

So yeah....back to the original point of the thread, children absolutely need

the same and greater support as battered spouses.

Eliza

> >

> > I was thinking about this earlier and it kind of got me annoyed, that it is

so socially acceptable to encourage people who have been abused by spouses or

significant others (and I have, twice) to leave, leave, leave. People are told

over and over again about the cycle of abuse and how it will happen again no

matter how nice they are and they will eventually act out again and you are just

supposed to leave.

> >

> > It hit me how different that is from all the messages I have gotten from

society about parents and our obligations to those relationships, we are

supposed to forgive, forgive, forgive, crawl on our knees over broken glass and

eat doo-doo or whatever else might be asked of us, because they are parents. It

occurs to me that most of this advice is given by other parents. I supposed if

you convened a group of wife-beaters and asked them what to do they might tell

everyone to just go back to the spouse, wear a helmet and a bullet proof vest,

but just forgive and just keep taking the abuse and going back.

> >

> > i don't know why I got hung up on the contrast between these two groups,

that society is up in arms to save the battered women, and for the life of them

can't understand the woman on the tv show Cops lying to the police and crying

when the significant other is going to get arrested (and I have been that woman)

and intones, 'but why does she keep going baaa-ack'?

> >

> > it's strange to me that no one ever said that to me, about my horrific

relationship with my parents, until I came here.

> >

> > I am in pretty deep reflection about it because I sent my mother an email

and asked her to return to me the cedar chest my pedophile grandfather

bequeathed to me in his will. After the funeral she told me very hatefully that

she was not going to let me have this bequest, because I 'didn't go see him in

the hospital when he was sick' (this was during the time I had spiraled into

chemical dependency and was self-injuring, etc..I had only recovered the

memories a few years prior...needless to say I wasn't going to be visiting him).

> >

> > That chest would have been a very small parcel of the tremendous damage done

to me by this man. When I look back on it now, I realize THAT should have been

the end, finito, caput, etc, of my relationship with my mother. SHE sent me to

him to be abused and she knew about the abuse after it happened and she still

allowed him to babysit etc. In the email I described to her what I thought

would be a normal reaction to the situation of a helping a daughter deal with a

bequest like that...needless to say it didn't include shaming or castigation of

any kind. To have written that is a huge breakthrough for me because that has

not been discussed in 22 years, since it happened. But for the life of me I

can't figure out why I kept going back, keep going back...and the damage they

did far surpasses the abusive relationships I had.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I was also thinking about this in relation to the jaycee duggard case...it's a

graphic illustration of how abuse in childhood can leave us bound mentally to

abusers long after childhood ends (though I believe she was in fear for her

life and her children's lives and that kept her from trying to leave). Looking

back now for the life of me I can't understand why I ever had a relationship

with my mother after the day she denied me that bequest...it stupifies me now

how low my self-esteem was to have continued allowing her to be in my life. I am

right in it right now, kind of in suspension just thinking about it and how my

life might have been different...probably not much though because my self-esteem

was so low, but I would have had a very different adult life if I had stayed

clear of them completely. I just wish I had loved myself enough to walk away at

that moment.

> >

> > I was thinking about this earlier and it kind of got me annoyed, that it is

so socially acceptable to encourage people who have been abused by spouses or

significant others (and I have, twice) to leave, leave, leave. People are told

over and over again about the cycle of abuse and how it will happen again no

matter how nice they are and they will eventually act out again and you are just

supposed to leave.

> >

> > It hit me how different that is from all the messages I have gotten from

society about parents and our obligations to those relationships, we are

supposed to forgive, forgive, forgive, crawl on our knees over broken glass and

eat doo-doo or whatever else might be asked of us, because they are parents. It

occurs to me that most of this advice is given by other parents. I supposed if

you convened a group of wife-beaters and asked them what to do they might tell

everyone to just go back to the spouse, wear a helmet and a bullet proof vest,

but just forgive and just keep taking the abuse and going back.

> >

> > i don't know why I got hung up on the contrast between these two groups,

that society is up in arms to save the battered women, and for the life of them

can't understand the woman on the tv show Cops lying to the police and crying

when the significant other is going to get arrested (and I have been that woman)

and intones, 'but why does she keep going baaa-ack'?

> >

> > it's strange to me that no one ever said that to me, about my horrific

relationship with my parents, until I came here.

> >

> > I am in pretty deep reflection about it because I sent my mother an email

and asked her to return to me the cedar chest my pedophile grandfather

bequeathed to me in his will. After the funeral she told me very hatefully that

she was not going to let me have this bequest, because I 'didn't go see him in

the hospital when he was sick' (this was during the time I had spiraled into

chemical dependency and was self-injuring, etc..I had only recovered the

memories a few years prior...needless to say I wasn't going to be visiting him).

> >

> > That chest would have been a very small parcel of the tremendous damage done

to me by this man. When I look back on it now, I realize THAT should have been

the end, finito, caput, etc, of my relationship with my mother. SHE sent me to

him to be abused and she knew about the abuse after it happened and she still

allowed him to babysit etc. In the email I described to her what I thought

would be a normal reaction to the situation of a helping a daughter deal with a

bequest like that...needless to say it didn't include shaming or castigation of

any kind. To have written that is a huge breakthrough for me because that has

not been discussed in 22 years, since it happened. But for the life of me I

can't figure out why I kept going back, keep going back...and the damage they

did far surpasses the abusive relationships I had.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

llell11,

You are right, there does seem to be some deep seeded taboo about cutting off

from ones parents vs. a significant other or spouse in our society. Probably

something primal to do with survival when we were all hunters and gatherers, I

am not sure. But I do know that sometimes it is exactly what we need to do to

survive. I am so very, very sorry about the horrific traumas you have suffered

in your family. The horrific abuse and betrayal you have suffered by your

grandfather and mother. I think you are working so very hard at being true to

yourself in a crazy situation. THe only thing you could do was get out and

protect you. You have had to be your own parent. I am so sorry about that, but

how awesome are you that you see that and have protected yourself. You have been

through so much. I am truly glad you have come out of that dark time, into a

better place.I am guessing you tried yet again to communicate with your mom your

wishes in a calm and sane manner, even when faced with insanity, because we all

always just want things to be okay, to be validated. Why she can't give you that

is beyond knowing. Somehow I think she must be so very, very scared and messed

up inside. She must feel guilt and rage about feeling so out of control, I don't

know. I wish she could give you what you need from her, but some people just

can't.

I applaud your strength and dedication to your own personal well being.

>

> I was thinking about this earlier and it kind of got me annoyed, that it is so

socially acceptable to encourage people who have been abused by spouses or

significant others (and I have, twice) to leave, leave, leave. People are told

over and over again about the cycle of abuse and how it will happen again no

matter how nice they are and they will eventually act out again and you are just

supposed to leave.

>

> It hit me how different that is from all the messages I have gotten from

society about parents and our obligations to those relationships, we are

supposed to forgive, forgive, forgive, crawl on our knees over broken glass and

eat doo-doo or whatever else might be asked of us, because they are parents. It

occurs to me that most of this advice is given by other parents. I supposed if

you convened a group of wife-beaters and asked them what to do they might tell

everyone to just go back to the spouse, wear a helmet and a bullet proof vest,

but just forgive and just keep taking the abuse and going back.

>

> i don't know why I got hung up on the contrast between these two groups, that

society is up in arms to save the battered women, and for the life of them can't

understand the woman on the tv show Cops lying to the police and crying when the

significant other is going to get arrested (and I have been that woman) and

intones, 'but why does she keep going baaa-ack'?

>

> it's strange to me that no one ever said that to me, about my horrific

relationship with my parents, until I came here.

>

> I am in pretty deep reflection about it because I sent my mother an email and

asked her to return to me the cedar chest my pedophile grandfather bequeathed to

me in his will. After the funeral she told me very hatefully that she was not

going to let me have this bequest, because I 'didn't go see him in the hospital

when he was sick' (this was during the time I had spiraled into chemical

dependency and was self-injuring, etc..I had only recovered the memories a few

years prior...needless to say I wasn't going to be visiting him).

>

> That chest would have been a very small parcel of the tremendous damage done

to me by this man. When I look back on it now, I realize THAT should have been

the end, finito, caput, etc, of my relationship with my mother. SHE sent me to

him to be abused and she knew about the abuse after it happened and she still

allowed him to babysit etc. In the email I described to her what I thought

would be a normal reaction to the situation of a helping a daughter deal with a

bequest like that...needless to say it didn't include shaming or castigation of

any kind. To have written that is a huge breakthrough for me because that has

not been discussed in 22 years, since it happened. But for the life of me I

can't figure out why I kept going back, keep going back...and the damage they

did far surpasses the abusive relationships I had.

>

[Guest guest]

I have often wondered how it is that we need a license to drive, a license to

marry, a license to perform medicine, a license to carry a gun, a license to

enforce the law, a license to teach, a license to practice law, etc. but any

darn idiot can be a parent. We don't even have a basic parenting class we have

to take in school. NOt that I think a class or a series of classes would cure

all our parenting/childhood issues, but it just might help - Parenting is the

most important life long obligation one will ever have and yet the only guidance

we get for it is at home and maybe some outside adults close to home. It is a

crap shoot as to who those adults are. Frustrating.

> >

> > I was thinking about this earlier and it kind of got me annoyed, that it is

so socially acceptable to encourage people who have been abused by spouses or

significant others (and I have, twice) to leave, leave, leave. People are told

over and over again about the cycle of abuse and how it will happen again no

matter how nice they are and they will eventually act out again and you are just

supposed to leave.

> >

> > It hit me how different that is from all the messages I have gotten from

society about parents and our obligations to those relationships, we are

supposed to forgive, forgive, forgive, crawl on our knees over broken glass and

eat doo-doo or whatever else might be asked of us, because they are parents. It

occurs to me that most of this advice is given by other parents. I supposed if

you convened a group of wife-beaters and asked them what to do they might tell

everyone to just go back to the spouse, wear a helmet and a bullet proof vest,

but just forgive and just keep taking the abuse and going back.

> >

> > i don't know why I got hung up on the contrast between these two groups,

that society is up in arms to save the battered women, and for the life of them

can't understand the woman on the tv show Cops lying to the police and crying

when the significant other is going to get arrested (and I have been that woman)

and intones, 'but why does she keep going baaa-ack'?

> >

> > it's strange to me that no one ever said that to me, about my horrific

relationship with my parents, until I came here.

> >

> > I am in pretty deep reflection about it because I sent my mother an email

and asked her to return to me the cedar chest my pedophile grandfather

bequeathed to me in his will. After the funeral she told me very hatefully that

she was not going to let me have this bequest, because I 'didn't go see him in

the hospital when he was sick' (this was during the time I had spiraled into

chemical dependency and was self-injuring, etc..I had only recovered the

memories a few years prior...needless to say I wasn't going to be visiting him).

> >

> > That chest would have been a very small parcel of the tremendous damage done

to me by this man. When I look back on it now, I realize THAT should have been

the end, finito, caput, etc, of my relationship with my mother. SHE sent me to

him to be abused and she knew about the abuse after it happened and she still

allowed him to babysit etc. In the email I described to her what I thought

would be a normal reaction to the situation of a helping a daughter deal with a

bequest like that...needless to say it didn't include shaming or castigation of

any kind. To have written that is a huge breakthrough for me because that has

not been discussed in 22 years, since it happened. But for the life of me I

can't figure out why I kept going back, keep going back...and the damage they

did far surpasses the abusive relationships I had.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

llel11,

Don't beat yourself up about this. You did the best you could do at the time.

The fact that you are still doing the work, still standing tall, still taking

care of yourself, keeping your voice, you need to recognize how far you have

come and what a warrior you are.

> > >

> > > I was thinking about this earlier and it kind of got me annoyed, that it

is so socially acceptable to encourage people who have been abused by spouses or

significant others (and I have, twice) to leave, leave, leave. People are told

over and over again about the cycle of abuse and how it will happen again no

matter how nice they are and they will eventually act out again and you are just

supposed to leave.

> > >

> > > It hit me how different that is from all the messages I have gotten from

society about parents and our obligations to those relationships, we are

supposed to forgive, forgive, forgive, crawl on our knees over broken glass and

eat doo-doo or whatever else might be asked of us, because they are parents. It

occurs to me that most of this advice is given by other parents. I supposed if

you convened a group of wife-beaters and asked them what to do they might tell

everyone to just go back to the spouse, wear a helmet and a bullet proof vest,

but just forgive and just keep taking the abuse and going back.

> > >

> > > i don't know why I got hung up on the contrast between these two groups,

that society is up in arms to save the battered women, and for the life of them

can't understand the woman on the tv show Cops lying to the police and crying

when the significant other is going to get arrested (and I have been that woman)

and intones, 'but why does she keep going baaa-ack'?

> > >

> > > it's strange to me that no one ever said that to me, about my horrific

relationship with my parents, until I came here.

> > >

> > > I am in pretty deep reflection about it because I sent my mother an email

and asked her to return to me the cedar chest my pedophile grandfather

bequeathed to me in his will. After the funeral she told me very hatefully that

she was not going to let me have this bequest, because I 'didn't go see him in

the hospital when he was sick' (this was during the time I had spiraled into

chemical dependency and was self-injuring, etc..I had only recovered the

memories a few years prior...needless to say I wasn't going to be visiting him).

> > >

> > > That chest would have been a very small parcel of the tremendous damage

done to me by this man. When I look back on it now, I realize THAT should have

been the end, finito, caput, etc, of my relationship with my mother. SHE sent me

to him to be abused and she knew about the abuse after it happened and she still

allowed him to babysit etc. In the email I described to her what I thought

would be a normal reaction to the situation of a helping a daughter deal with a

bequest like that...needless to say it didn't include shaming or castigation of

any kind. To have written that is a huge breakthrough for me because that has

not been discussed in 22 years, since it happened. But for the life of me I

can't figure out why I kept going back, keep going back...and the damage they

did far surpasses the abusive relationships I had.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I agree ...

Yup, just anyone can be a parent - and where are the rights of the children?

Reminds me of something that happened when I was 16.

I had been enduring a " torture session " with both of my parents, and I

managed to run out the door and outrun my parents. I ran all the way to a

children's psychological/psychiatric treatment center that was a few blocks

away. I went inside, crying, and begged for help. They were nice to me but

said they would need my parents's signature to help me. I told them there

was no way my parents would sign, but I needed help and protection very

badly, and I told them why. They repeated that they needed my parents'

signature; otherwise they could do nothing. Perhaps nowadays some action

would have been taken.

> **

>

>

>

> I have often wondered how it is that we need a license to drive, a license

> to marry, a license to perform medicine, a license to carry a gun, a license

> to enforce the law, a license to teach, a license to practice law, etc. but

> any darn idiot can be a parent. We don't even have a basic parenting class

> we have to take in school. NOt that I think a class or a series of classes

> would cure all our parenting/childhood issues, but it just might help -

> Parenting is the most important life long obligation one will ever have and

> yet the only guidance we get for it is at home and maybe some outside adults

> close to home. It is a crap shoot as to who those adults are. Frustrating.

>

>

>

> > >

> > > I was thinking about this earlier and it kind of got me annoyed, that

> it is so socially acceptable to encourage people who have been abused by

> spouses or significant others (and I have, twice) to leave, leave, leave.

> People are told over and over again about the cycle of abuse and how it will

> happen again no matter how nice they are and they will eventually act out

> again and you are just supposed to leave.

> > >

> > > It hit me how different that is from all the messages I have gotten

> from society about parents and our obligations to those relationships, we

> are supposed to forgive, forgive, forgive, crawl on our knees over broken

> glass and eat doo-doo or whatever else might be asked of us, because they

> are parents. It occurs to me that most of this advice is given by other

> parents. I supposed if you convened a group of wife-beaters and asked them

> what to do they might tell everyone to just go back to the spouse, wear a

> helmet and a bullet proof vest, but just forgive and just keep taking the

> abuse and going back.

> > >

> > > i don't know why I got hung up on the contrast between these two

> groups, that society is up in arms to save the battered women, and for the

> life of them can't understand the woman on the tv show Cops lying to the

> police and crying when the significant other is going to get arrested (and I

> have been that woman) and intones, 'but why does she keep going baaa-ack'?

> > >

> > > it's strange to me that no one ever said that to me, about my horrific

> relationship with my parents, until I came here.

> > >

> > > I am in pretty deep reflection about it because I sent my mother an

> email and asked her to return to me the cedar chest my pedophile grandfather

> bequeathed to me in his will. After the funeral she told me very hatefully

> that she was not going to let me have this bequest, because I 'didn't go see

> him in the hospital when he was sick' (this was during the time I had

> spiraled into chemical dependency and was self-injuring, etc..I had only

> recovered the memories a few years prior...needless to say I wasn't going to

> be visiting him).

> > >

> > > That chest would have been a very small parcel of the tremendous damage

> done to me by this man. When I look back on it now, I realize THAT should

> have been the end, finito, caput, etc, of my relationship with my mother.

> SHE sent me to him to be abused and she knew about the abuse after it

> happened and she still allowed him to babysit etc. In the email I described

> to her what I thought would be a normal reaction to the situation of a

> helping a daughter deal with a bequest like that...needless to say it didn't

> include shaming or castigation of any kind. To have written that is a huge

> breakthrough for me because that has not been discussed in 22 years, since

> it happened. But for the life of me I can't figure out why I kept going

> back, keep going back...and the damage they did far surpasses the abusive

> relationships I had.

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

HOw horrific! I am so, so sorry that happened to you. Unforgivable.

I don't know how old you are so I don't know what year that would have been,

but believe that today they would be legally bound to report what you said to

police and intervention would have had to happen. It is the law today that if a

teacher, guidance counselor, etc. even suspects abuse they must report it. In

your case you told these people at the treatment center that you were being

abused - today getting you help/protection would be the focus.

> > > >

> > > > I was thinking about this earlier and it kind of got me annoyed, that

> > it is so socially acceptable to encourage people who have been abused by

> > spouses or significant others (and I have, twice) to leave, leave, leave.

> > People are told over and over again about the cycle of abuse and how it will

> > happen again no matter how nice they are and they will eventually act out

> > again and you are just supposed to leave.

> > > >

> > > > It hit me how different that is from all the messages I have gotten

> > from society about parents and our obligations to those relationships, we

> > are supposed to forgive, forgive, forgive, crawl on our knees over broken

> > glass and eat doo-doo or whatever else might be asked of us, because they

> > are parents. It occurs to me that most of this advice is given by other

> > parents. I supposed if you convened a group of wife-beaters and asked them

> > what to do they might tell everyone to just go back to the spouse, wear a

> > helmet and a bullet proof vest, but just forgive and just keep taking the

> > abuse and going back.

> > > >

> > > > i don't know why I got hung up on the contrast between these two

> > groups, that society is up in arms to save the battered women, and for the

> > life of them can't understand the woman on the tv show Cops lying to the

> > police and crying when the significant other is going to get arrested (and I

> > have been that woman) and intones, 'but why does she keep going baaa-ack'?

> > > >

> > > > it's strange to me that no one ever said that to me, about my horrific

> > relationship with my parents, until I came here.

> > > >

> > > > I am in pretty deep reflection about it because I sent my mother an

> > email and asked her to return to me the cedar chest my pedophile grandfather

> > bequeathed to me in his will. After the funeral she told me very hatefully

> > that she was not going to let me have this bequest, because I 'didn't go see

> > him in the hospital when he was sick' (this was during the time I had

> > spiraled into chemical dependency and was self-injuring, etc..I had only

> > recovered the memories a few years prior...needless to say I wasn't going to

> > be visiting him).

> > > >

> > > > That chest would have been a very small parcel of the tremendous damage

> > done to me by this man. When I look back on it now, I realize THAT should

> > have been the end, finito, caput, etc, of my relationship with my mother.

> > SHE sent me to him to be abused and she knew about the abuse after it

> > happened and she still allowed him to babysit etc. In the email I described

> > to her what I thought would be a normal reaction to the situation of a

> > helping a daughter deal with a bequest like that...needless to say it didn't

> > include shaming or castigation of any kind. To have written that is a huge

> > breakthrough for me because that has not been discussed in 22 years, since

> > it happened. But for the life of me I can't figure out why I kept going

> > back, keep going back...and the damage they did far surpasses the abusive

> > relationships I had.

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

you are right, she just can't. I am just processing all of this because as I

have shared on here prior, it wasn't until watching her completely abandon the

kids in this house and look the other way and not deal with setting boundaries

and putting her foot down with my sister in law that I realized, holy sh*t, this

isn't about ME, this is how she deals with everything. She just tells herself it

isn't happening. And she had a pathologically abusive husband who was mean to

her kids and so her tactic with dealing with it was to just convince herself i

was as evil as he insisted I was. But it's only come to the fore for me in the

last six to nine months. First I had to process how not terrible I was, and now

I am having memories and recollections and processing how really nasty and evil

she was to me at times.But this thing with the cedar chest is the worst, that

relationship should have ended that day and I only wish it had.

Unfortunatley I suspect she never got the email and I think she has me blocked.

But it has been intensely healing to write those words out and adress that

issue, pretty much as if I had actually gotten through her blockade. I only

suspect this because even if she didn't acknowledge it she would have been

unable to hide that something had happened. and she is acting normal so I am

certain she didn't get it or hasn't gotten it yet. oh well, live to fight

another day.

> >

> > I was thinking about this earlier and it kind of got me annoyed, that it is

so socially acceptable to encourage people who have been abused by spouses or

significant others (and I have, twice) to leave, leave, leave. People are told

over and over again about the cycle of abuse and how it will happen again no

matter how nice they are and they will eventually act out again and you are just

supposed to leave.

> >

> > It hit me how different that is from all the messages I have gotten from

society about parents and our obligations to those relationships, we are

supposed to forgive, forgive, forgive, crawl on our knees over broken glass and

eat doo-doo or whatever else might be asked of us, because they are parents. It

occurs to me that most of this advice is given by other parents. I supposed if

you convened a group of wife-beaters and asked them what to do they might tell

everyone to just go back to the spouse, wear a helmet and a bullet proof vest,

but just forgive and just keep taking the abuse and going back.

> >

> > i don't know why I got hung up on the contrast between these two groups,

that society is up in arms to save the battered women, and for the life of them

can't understand the woman on the tv show Cops lying to the police and crying

when the significant other is going to get arrested (and I have been that woman)

and intones, 'but why does she keep going baaa-ack'?

> >

> > it's strange to me that no one ever said that to me, about my horrific

relationship with my parents, until I came here.

> >

> > I am in pretty deep reflection about it because I sent my mother an email

and asked her to return to me the cedar chest my pedophile grandfather

bequeathed to me in his will. After the funeral she told me very hatefully that

she was not going to let me have this bequest, because I 'didn't go see him in

the hospital when he was sick' (this was during the time I had spiraled into

chemical dependency and was self-injuring, etc..I had only recovered the

memories a few years prior...needless to say I wasn't going to be visiting him).

> >

> > That chest would have been a very small parcel of the tremendous damage done

to me by this man. When I look back on it now, I realize THAT should have been

the end, finito, caput, etc, of my relationship with my mother. SHE sent me to

him to be abused and she knew about the abuse after it happened and she still

allowed him to babysit etc. In the email I described to her what I thought

would be a normal reaction to the situation of a helping a daughter deal with a

bequest like that...needless to say it didn't include shaming or castigation of

any kind. To have written that is a huge breakthrough for me because that has

not been discussed in 22 years, since it happened. But for the life of me I

can't figure out why I kept going back, keep going back...and the damage they

did far surpasses the abusive relationships I had.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

llell11,

That is a lot to process. Be kind to yourself. While I am fairly new to my

process too, one thing that has helped me very recently is that I rediscovered

my bike. When I ride it I feel so free and it is my time. Sometimes I just enjoy

the ride for its purity, and sometimes it is my thinking time. Either way, it is

great. I hope you have something that makes you feel that way too. You deserve

it.

> > >

> > > I was thinking about this earlier and it kind of got me annoyed, that it

is so socially acceptable to encourage people who have been abused by spouses or

significant others (and I have, twice) to leave, leave, leave. People are told

over and over again about the cycle of abuse and how it will happen again no

matter how nice they are and they will eventually act out again and you are just

supposed to leave.

> > >

> > > It hit me how different that is from all the messages I have gotten from

society about parents and our obligations to those relationships, we are

supposed to forgive, forgive, forgive, crawl on our knees over broken glass and

eat doo-doo or whatever else might be asked of us, because they are parents. It

occurs to me that most of this advice is given by other parents. I supposed if

you convened a group of wife-beaters and asked them what to do they might tell

everyone to just go back to the spouse, wear a helmet and a bullet proof vest,

but just forgive and just keep taking the abuse and going back.

> > >

> > > i don't know why I got hung up on the contrast between these two groups,

that society is up in arms to save the battered women, and for the life of them

can't understand the woman on the tv show Cops lying to the police and crying

when the significant other is going to get arrested (and I have been that woman)

and intones, 'but why does she keep going baaa-ack'?

> > >

> > > it's strange to me that no one ever said that to me, about my horrific

relationship with my parents, until I came here.

> > >

> > > I am in pretty deep reflection about it because I sent my mother an email

and asked her to return to me the cedar chest my pedophile grandfather

bequeathed to me in his will. After the funeral she told me very hatefully that

she was not going to let me have this bequest, because I 'didn't go see him in

the hospital when he was sick' (this was during the time I had spiraled into

chemical dependency and was self-injuring, etc..I had only recovered the

memories a few years prior...needless to say I wasn't going to be visiting him).

> > >

> > > That chest would have been a very small parcel of the tremendous damage

done to me by this man. When I look back on it now, I realize THAT should have

been the end, finito, caput, etc, of my relationship with my mother. SHE sent me

to him to be abused and she knew about the abuse after it happened and she still

allowed him to babysit etc. In the email I described to her what I thought

would be a normal reaction to the situation of a helping a daughter deal with a

bequest like that...needless to say it didn't include shaming or castigation of

any kind. To have written that is a huge breakthrough for me because that has

not been discussed in 22 years, since it happened. But for the life of me I

can't figure out why I kept going back, keep going back...and the damage they

did far surpasses the abusive relationships I had.

> > >

> >

>