Re: Mourning the Loss of what I thought I had -Setting Boundries

[Guest guest]

Back when I first started reading in earnest about pds, when the reality hit me,

the acceptance that my mother has a personality disorder which is in fact a

serious mental illness, and I could never really trust her and would always

have to keep my guard up... when that hit, it did feel like in a way that my

mother had died, and I mourned and grieved.

I guess I was really grieving the loss of my illusion that it wasn't really that

bad, or the loss of my hope that there could ever be change.

The reality smacked me in the face again when nada's behaviors got more toxic,

to the point where Sister went no-contact with her seemingly permanently (for

Sister it was just that she'd reached the end of her endurance, her no-contact

was temporary.) Something about Sister saying " that's it, I'm done " , made me go

into a spasm of fresh grieving again, and I went no-contact too so that our nada

could not play Sister and me against each other as she had a tendency to do in

the past.

Together Sister and I insisted that nada go into therapy and we would consider

resuming contact. It hasn't really worked. Nada went to therapy but never

accepted that it was because her behaviors were unacceptable and she needed to

change, she only went because we forced her to.

That was about 4 years ago, and ever since Sister has been on-again, off-again

in contact with nada depending on nada's behavior. I have remained in virtual

no-contact.

Within the last 6 months, nada began showing signs of dementia and about 3

months ago her hallucinations became more frequent and intense. Things have

been going downhill rather rapidly for the last few weeks; nada hallucinates

pretty much all the time and just a few days ago became violent with her

care-giver (she was relocated to an assisted living residence.) Nada has been

under the care of a psychiatrist for the last 3 months but so far there is no

improvement and she is in fact getting worse.

So, anyway. Sorry, I have hijacked your thread. To get back to your point,

yes, I think the mourning and grieving is a normal thing to experience when we

realize we really can't have a truly open, loving, trusting relationship with

our closest relatives, our parent(s) and sib(s), because its not safe to.

-Annie

>

> Is anyone else just discovering they have BPD in their family and now need to

rethink all their family of origin boundries? I am in this place where I feel

empowered with this new knowledge that there is this thing BPD and think my

mother has a degre of it and I don't feel crazy or inept as often anymore. But,

I now know I need to change my interactions with my family and know I will be

the " bad guy " for this, but need to anyway- for my own mental health. Anyone

else at this point?

>

> Also - I feel like I am alone because I don't feel I can discuss this new

knowledge with either of my sister's nor my mother because I don't trust any of

them anymore. I suspect my younger sister has some of the BPD traits too. I can

talk to my spouse and adult children though. I am finding it a challenge to

realize/accept that I cannot be authentic with my mother and sisters. I have to

put up this wall now, and I can't name the problem or discuss it with them. I

have to just come to grips with this reality and deal with it. I guess I am

mourning what I thought I had.

>

[Guest guest]

something really strange is going on with this board right now. posts keep

disappearing and I was starting to get paranoid, but it's good to know I'm not

the only one it's happening to.

yes, i am having to rethink the whole thing right now with my siblings. I just

feel stronger and stronger like they were never there for me and there are just

no relationships there. it makes me sad. but it is what it is. not that they are

beating down my door, because they aren't. but I don't think any of them have an

apropriate level of empathy and I am quickly getting just done with that in my

life. It's progress but there is grief behind it too. They were THERE when all

of it was going on, and yet today I don't think that they are empathetic enough

about the damage it caused me. They are just glad it did not happen to them.

> > >

> > > Yes, I am right with you.  My mom has ALL the symptoms of Narcissistic PD

and many of BPD, although no  rage which is a tell-tale sign.  And I am just

awakening to this truth.  It's very difficult.  And it's a process.  I can

" say " it, but I can't actually accept her disorders yet.  I will put it this

way, I am accepting...as a process.

> > >  

> > > Unlike you, though, my sis is in the boat with me and I am not alone in

setting boundaries that are uncomfortable for the fam. 

> > >  

> > > My sis and I have decided NOT to try to talk to nada about her issues or

the myriad of problems she has gotten herself into that she thinks are secret. 

If she approaches us, we can lay the cards on the table.  If not, we will do

what we need to do to closely guard ourselves. 

> > >  

> > > It's hard to watch others self-destruct. But it's part of the sickness to

try to rescue them.  May I never return to Savior mode.

> > >  

> > > Meanwhile, the grieving process ensues.  I am grieving the mother I never

had.  And the more I'm learning about the illnesses and the havoc she's created

because of them, the more I am getting to know my deceased dad.  Boy, he was

quite a man.  I wish I could tell him that now I know.  I know what he

protected us girls from.  I know so much and my respect for him has grown

immensely.  So, I'm grieving the lost relationship with him as well. 

> > >  

> > > I'm not one to really believe in an afterlife so I don't cling to some

hope of talking to Dad in heaven someday about all this.  But I do believe that

going ahead and telling Daddy what I have to say, in the here and now, is worth

doing.  So that's my plan.

> > >  

> > > Best,

> > >

> > >  

> > > Cassie

> > >  

> > >

> > > From: karentrue13 <karentrue13@>

> > > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > > Sent: Friday, July 15, 2011 7:59 AM

> > > Subject: Mourning the Loss of what I thought I had

-Setting Boundries

> > >

> > >

> > >  

> > > Is anyone else just discovering they have BPD in their family and now need

to rethink all their family of origin boundries? I am in this place where I feel

empowered with this new knowledge that there is this thing BPD and think my

mother has a degre of it and I don't feel crazy or inept as often anymore. But,

I now know I need to change my interactions with my family and know I will be

the " bad guy " for this, but need to anyway- for my own mental health. Anyone

else at this point?

> > >

> > > Also - I feel like I am alone because I don't feel I can discuss this new

knowledge with either of my sister's nor my mother because I don't trust any of

them anymore. I suspect my younger sister has some of the BPD traits too. I can

talk to my spouse and adult children though. I am finding it a challenge to

realize/accept that I cannot be authentic with my mother and sisters. I have to

put up this wall now, and I can't name the problem or discuss it with them. I

have to just come to grips with this reality and deal with it. I guess I am

mourning what I thought I had.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

YES!!!

I am the bad guy now. It is so hard to accept after trying to hard to please

for so long. But it is tremendously freeing as well. :-)

Just wanted to mention that I chose to bring BPD up with my mom. I know it is

not the advised course of action according to most books, etc. I actually

referred sis to this web-site and she said it helped a lot. (I change details

in case they are on here. It's unlikely anyway because I'm the only one

seriously pursuing mental health.) My whole family is a bee's nest of

personality disorders and mental illnesses. I have had some severe problems

myself. My brother is in a state hospital now.

When I brought it up with mom, I started with explaining the traits I see in

myself because I exhibit some BPD stuff. Over time, I eased into the idea that

this might be our family issue and then gave her the book, " Get Me Out Of Here " .

She ended up reading it and identifying with it strongly. (much more so than

myself) I don't know where that might go with her, but I feel better having

been open about it all. That's just my style.

I even wrote a poem about her and read it to her. I said it was about our

family in general. She actually said, " Wow, I bet you wrote that about me! " I

said, " Would I write a poem like that about you and then read it to you? That

would be too brassy even for me. " Ironically, she loves the poem and asks me to

let other people read it. ha ha weird stuff I know that's a little

manipulative and not entirely honest, but I am where I am right now and prefer

not to hurt her feelings when I can help it.

Anyway, I'm with you on this!

Thoughts and prayers,

-Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> Is anyone else just discovering they have BPD in their family and now need to

rethink all their family of origin boundries? I am in this place where I feel

empowered with this new knowledge that there is this thing BPD and think my

mother has a degre of it and I don't feel crazy or inept as often anymore. But,

I now know I need to change my interactions with my family and know I will be

the " bad guy " for this, but need to anyway- for my own mental health. Anyone

else at this point?

>

> Also - I feel like I am alone because I don't feel I can discuss this new

knowledge with either of my sister's nor my mother because I don't trust any of

them anymore. I suspect my younger sister has some of the BPD traits too. I can

talk to my spouse and adult children though. I am finding it a challenge to

realize/accept that I cannot be authentic with my mother and sisters. I have to

put up this wall now, and I can't name the problem or discuss it with them. I

have to just come to grips with this reality and deal with it. I guess I am

mourning what I thought I had.

>

[Guest guest]

I must say that, " it is what it is " at least once a day related to these issues.

I know what you mean, making progress, but there is grief. My siblings and I do

not talk about any of this. I don't even know if they see it for what I see it

as.

> > > >

> > > > Yes, I am right with you.  My mom has ALL the symptoms of Narcissistic

PD and many of BPD, although no  rage which is a tell-tale sign.  And I am

just awakening to this truth.  It's very difficult.  And it's a process.  I

can " say " it, but I can't actually accept her disorders yet.  I will put it

this way, I am accepting...as a process.

> > > >  

> > > > Unlike you, though, my sis is in the boat with me and I am not alone in

setting boundaries that are uncomfortable for the fam. 

> > > >  

> > > > My sis and I have decided NOT to try to talk to nada about her issues or

the myriad of problems she has gotten herself into that she thinks are secret. 

If she approaches us, we can lay the cards on the table.  If not, we will do

what we need to do to closely guard ourselves. 

> > > >  

> > > > It's hard to watch others self-destruct. But it's part of the sickness

to try to rescue them.  May I never return to Savior mode.

> > > >  

> > > > Meanwhile, the grieving process ensues.  I am grieving the mother I

never had.  And the more I'm learning about the illnesses and the havoc she's

created because of them, the more I am getting to know my deceased dad.  Boy,

he was quite a man.  I wish I could tell him that now I know.  I know what he

protected us girls from.  I know so much and my respect for him has grown

immensely.  So, I'm grieving the lost relationship with him as well. 

> > > >  

> > > > I'm not one to really believe in an afterlife so I don't cling to some

hope of talking to Dad in heaven someday about all this.  But I do believe that

going ahead and telling Daddy what I have to say, in the here and now, is worth

doing.  So that's my plan.

> > > >  

> > > > Best,

> > > >

> > > >  

> > > > Cassie

> > > >  

> > > >

> > > > From: karentrue13 <karentrue13@>

> > > > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > > > Sent: Friday, July 15, 2011 7:59 AM

> > > > Subject: Mourning the Loss of what I thought I had

-Setting Boundries

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >  

> > > > Is anyone else just discovering they have BPD in their family and now

need to rethink all their family of origin boundries? I am in this place where I

feel empowered with this new knowledge that there is this thing BPD and think my

mother has a degre of it and I don't feel crazy or inept as often anymore. But,

I now know I need to change my interactions with my family and know I will be

the " bad guy " for this, but need to anyway- for my own mental health. Anyone

else at this point?

> > > >

> > > > Also - I feel like I am alone because I don't feel I can discuss this

new knowledge with either of my sister's nor my mother because I don't trust any

of them anymore. I suspect my younger sister has some of the BPD traits too. I

can talk to my spouse and adult children though. I am finding it a challenge to

realize/accept that I cannot be authentic with my mother and sisters. I have to

put up this wall now, and I can't name the problem or discuss it with them. I

have to just come to grips with this reality and deal with it. I guess I am

mourning what I thought I had.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

coalminersdotter,

Thank you. I appreciate you sharing. I am curious, are you a middle child? I

only ask because I always thought my wanting to make the peace and please

everyone came from that, and to a degree it may have been, but mostly I think I

was just trying to fix something I didn't have a chance at fixing, I just didn't

know it.

You are very brave sharing the book with your nada. I am glad she read it and it

sounds like she got a lot out of it.I hope it makes a positive difference for

all of you. Your poem story made me smile. Interesting that your nada said it

was probably about her, very insightful. I think you were wise to not flat out

tell her yes, too much of a shock.

You see when my nada says something there is a very good chance she means the

opposite. She rarely says what she means, I am now thinking it may be more about

that she doesn't always know what she means, or just she has done this for so

long that it is habit. In my family people rarely said what they meant. Was

quite confusing for me much of my childhood.

> >

> > Is anyone else just discovering they have BPD in their family and now need

to rethink all their family of origin boundries? I am in this place where I feel

empowered with this new knowledge that there is this thing BPD and think my

mother has a degre of it and I don't feel crazy or inept as often anymore. But,

I now know I need to change my interactions with my family and know I will be

the " bad guy " for this, but need to anyway- for my own mental health. Anyone

else at this point?

> >

> > Also - I feel like I am alone because I don't feel I can discuss this new

knowledge with either of my sister's nor my mother because I don't trust any of

them anymore. I suspect my younger sister has some of the BPD traits too. I can

talk to my spouse and adult children though. I am finding it a challenge to

realize/accept that I cannot be authentic with my mother and sisters. I have to

put up this wall now, and I can't name the problem or discuss it with them. I

have to just come to grips with this reality and deal with it. I guess I am

mourning what I thought I had.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You are definitely NOT alone. You are just hitting one of the early steps in

developing healthy boundaries and a more peaceful life. It is totally normal to

feel you are mourning. So many things that you thought were true about your

relationship with a personality disordered parent are just dead. All the things

you wanted out of your relationship to your mother have to be released to the

land of disappointed dreams. Your sister may be BPD too or she may just be so

enmeshed and flea ridden that is seems like she is. You have a safe place with

your spouse and children and here to grieve the losses. It does get easier, and

you will occasionally have set backs. Forgive yourself for them and get back on

track. Even with siblings that are pretty okay, you have to ease them into

knowledge at THEIR pace, not yours. Someday your sister may be able to see

things as you do, in the mean time, practice you boundaries with them as well.

When you start establishing boundaries with your mother, she will probably send

your siblings after you to reel you back into the fray. They might really kick

up a fuss, because your portion of crap is gonna start rolling their way.

You'll get there, and you are SURROUNDED by so many of us, right her in OZ and

we get you.

Carla

>

> Is anyone else just discovering they have BPD in their family and now need to

rethink all their family of origin boundries? I am in this place where I feel

empowered with this new knowledge that there is this thing BPD and think my

mother has a degre of it and I don't feel crazy or inept as often anymore. But,

I now know I need to change my interactions with my family and know I will be

the " bad guy " for this, but need to anyway- for my own mental health. Anyone

else at this point?

>

> Also - I feel like I am alone because I don't feel I can discuss this new

knowledge with either of my sister's nor my mother because I don't trust any of

them anymore. I suspect my younger sister has some of the BPD traits too. I can

talk to my spouse and adult children though. I am finding it a challenge to

realize/accept that I cannot be authentic with my mother and sisters. I have to

put up this wall now, and I can't name the problem or discuss it with them. I

have to just come to grips with this reality and deal with it. I guess I am

mourning what I thought I had.

>

[Guest guest]

Carla,

Thank you. I feel so much acceptance and support from all of you.It is such a

releif to be able to process about all of this with people who get it and not

have to worry about fall out from talking.I am fortunate to have my own family

who get it and we support each other too, but being the one from my family of

origin, there are issues that this forum and all of you can discuss being the

child of a BP - it just is very helpful.

I talked to my nada yesterday. I am now so much more aware of how I feel when we

have contact. I had driven her to visit a friend ( both of them are newly

widowed and they and ther husbands were old friends) about 3 days ago, and she

had stayed overnight at my home after a family gathering the night before. It

took me three days to recover from the stress. I still find myself yearning for

a good experience/a connection when we spend time together,and yet although much

of it went fine, she managed to bite me once one on one and once while out with

the friends. It was awkward as she did it while eating out with these old

friends, the other widow and her daugher who is my age (we hung out as kids and

go way back). But it was only awkward for all of us, nada seems oblivious.

I called her yesterday just to say hi and let her know about what's going on

with my family. She asked me to come see her soon and help with some work around

her home. I will pick a day and limit the time.

It is just so sad, I don't know how I became the bad guy. I think it all started

a few years ago when I shared with her my feelings of frustration over some

family issues - I was totally oblivious to BP and now feel I am the invisible

child and I was making waves, stepping out of my role and questioning something

the 'golden child " was doing - handeling something. I got raged at and had never

experienced that part before. When my dad was in sight she stopped raging, like

flipped a switch and was fine. I was quaking in my seat. I was in shock. Since

then there has been a shift. SOmetimes I experience small windows of light in

our exchanges but always when I am doing something for her. She keeps score big

time. Now that dad has died I fear she is going to be worse.

Thanks for reaching out - I have a long way to go I know.

> >

> > Is anyone else just discovering they have BPD in their family and now need

to rethink all their family of origin boundries? I am in this place where I feel

empowered with this new knowledge that there is this thing BPD and think my

mother has a degre of it and I don't feel crazy or inept as often anymore. But,

I now know I need to change my interactions with my family and know I will be

the " bad guy " for this, but need to anyway- for my own mental health. Anyone

else at this point?

> >

> > Also - I feel like I am alone because I don't feel I can discuss this new

knowledge with either of my sister's nor my mother because I don't trust any of

them anymore. I suspect my younger sister has some of the BPD traits too. I can

talk to my spouse and adult children though. I am finding it a challenge to

realize/accept that I cannot be authentic with my mother and sisters. I have to

put up this wall now, and I can't name the problem or discuss it with them. I

have to just come to grips with this reality and deal with it. I guess I am

mourning what I thought I had.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hey ,

Great point about people saying the opposite of what they mean and expecting

others to read their minds. The best part is when you get in trouble because

you misinterpret the impossible signals and don't do what they secretly want.

I was not the middle child, but I think birth order effects can be huge in our

development. Middle child is the hardest in my humble opinion.

My mom is kind of fading now, getting back into drinking and kind of " checking

out " of life to some degree. It's sad but makes her a little easier to

tolerate. I don't think she can function in a real way in life. I really don't

believe she has the skills. But she is a good mimic and has learned to blend in

with society. She does a good job of getting along with people for the most

part considering her great disability with BPD and blunted development. She's

kind of like a 13 year-old in a woman's body. Can be fun at times too. :-)

-Coal Miner's Daughter

p.s. Being the bad guy is always hard though. I think I'm getting better at it

with " practice " and am learning to laugh about it more.

> > >

> > > Is anyone else just discovering they have BPD in their family and now need

to rethink all their family of origin boundries? I am in this place where I feel

empowered with this new knowledge that there is this thing BPD and think my

mother has a degre of it and I don't feel crazy or inept as often anymore. But,

I now know I need to change my interactions with my family and know I will be

the " bad guy " for this, but need to anyway- for my own mental health. Anyone

else at this point?

> > >

> > > Also - I feel like I am alone because I don't feel I can discuss this new

knowledge with either of my sister's nor my mother because I don't trust any of

them anymore. I suspect my younger sister has some of the BPD traits too. I can

talk to my spouse and adult children though. I am finding it a challenge to

realize/accept that I cannot be authentic with my mother and sisters. I have to

put up this wall now, and I can't name the problem or discuss it with them. I

have to just come to grips with this reality and deal with it. I guess I am

mourning what I thought I had.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Coal Miner's Daughter,

I think my nada is about 13 most of the time too, but then sometimes she is

grown up and very wonderful, just adds to my confusion.

I don't know which birth order position is hardest. My oldest sister was the bad

one for years, until about the last 5 or so. I think much of it was due to her

reaction to nada's efforts to be so controlling and all the mixed messages. She

chose to leave the family once she was old enough and live a rather self

destructive lifestyle. Now she has " come home " and lives nearest to nada of the

three of us. Funny how things go. I was the invisible one, the peacemaker, the

pleaser and just realizing I wasn't really listened to, heard. I am aware of

this now and dealing with what that has meant in my life and my choices. I am

getting much better at setting limits, boundries and being heard, but I get

punished for it. I think I am the bad one currently, me and my husband, who is

very supportive of me and helps me in my efforts to work this all out for

myself. My younger sister was the golden child, and still is. I see a lot of NP

and BP in her as well. So I don't know which birth order position is best.

One of the hardest things for me is I had a really great childhood, in my mind

anyway. I was happy and loved and thought my family was perfect, for the most

part. I didn't really recognize my nerviousness until I got older, actually

moving out to get married and having the nerviousness go away was my first cue.

And I thought probably all parents had occassional outbursts and said cutting

things sometimes, and whose parents aren't confusing sometimes. It wasn't until

I stopped catering to my younger sister and nada, and set boundries and started

to grow and step out of my old family role did I become the bad guy. I had never

been so punished by my nada and at first I really didn't know what was going on.

It was a few sessions with a therapist and a few books later that I was able to

begin putting things together.

I am still in a sort of shock and mourning what I thought I had. Now with dad

gone I see more of my nada's sides coming out, I suspect she only showed some of

these to dad, but now they are coming out because he isn't here to absorb them.

I foolishly never thought my nada would ever " turn " on me. I definately feel

like she has sometimes now and am struggling to remember it isn't about me, it

is about her. But I am feeling foolish that I am just now realizing all this and

I do question my judgement. And I miss her, or who I thought she was.

HOw did I not pick up on so many cues? It is all very tiring and hard to deal

with sometimes. It is funny how we humans can see things through rose colored

glasses. I sure did. But- no matter how cheated or angry I feel I am very

thankful that I am dealing with emotional issues and not physical or other

issues. My heart goes out to all in this community who have had some of the

horrific traumas to deal with that they have shared. I have to keep perspective.

And I agree, a sense of humor!

> > > >

> > > > Is anyone else just discovering they have BPD in their family and now

need to rethink all their family of origin boundries? I am in this place where I

feel empowered with this new knowledge that there is this thing BPD and think my

mother has a degre of it and I don't feel crazy or inept as often anymore. But,

I now know I need to change my interactions with my family and know I will be

the " bad guy " for this, but need to anyway- for my own mental health. Anyone

else at this point?

> > > >

> > > > Also - I feel like I am alone because I don't feel I can discuss this

new knowledge with either of my sister's nor my mother because I don't trust any

of them anymore. I suspect my younger sister has some of the BPD traits too. I

can talk to my spouse and adult children though. I am finding it a challenge to

realize/accept that I cannot be authentic with my mother and sisters. I have to

put up this wall now, and I can't name the problem or discuss it with them. I

have to just come to grips with this reality and deal with it. I guess I am

mourning what I thought I had.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

i miss my nada too sometimes, or rather who i thot she was before she turned on

me.. grieving this loss has helped me move on.. with the help of other truly

loving relationships..

Subject: Re: Mourning the Loss of what I thought I had

-Setting Boundries

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Saturday, July 16, 2011, 9:49 PM

Â

Coal Miner's Daughter,

I think my nada is about 13 most of the time too, but then sometimes she is

grown up and very wonderful, just adds to my confusion.

I don't know which birth order position is hardest. My oldest sister was the bad

one for years, until about the last 5 or so. I think much of it was due to her

reaction to nada's efforts to be so controlling and all the mixed messages. She

chose to leave the family once she was old enough and live a rather self

destructive lifestyle. Now she has " come home " and lives nearest to nada of the

three of us. Funny how things go. I was the invisible one, the peacemaker, the

pleaser and just realizing I wasn't really listened to, heard. I am aware of

this now and dealing with what that has meant in my life and my choices. I am

getting much better at setting limits, boundries and being heard, but I get

punished for it. I think I am the bad one currently, me and my husband, who is

very supportive of me and helps me in my efforts to work this all out for

myself. My younger sister was the golden child, and still is. I see a lot of NP

and BP in her as well. So I

don't know which birth order position is best.

One of the hardest things for me is I had a really great childhood, in my mind

anyway. I was happy and loved and thought my family was perfect, for the most

part. I didn't really recognize my nerviousness until I got older, actually

moving out to get married and having the nerviousness go away was my first cue.

And I thought probably all parents had occassional outbursts and said cutting

things sometimes, and whose parents aren't confusing sometimes. It wasn't until

I stopped catering to my younger sister and nada, and set boundries and started

to grow and step out of my old family role did I become the bad guy. I had never

been so punished by my nada and at first I really didn't know what was going on.

It was a few sessions with a therapist and a few books later that I was able to

begin putting things together.

I am still in a sort of shock and mourning what I thought I had. Now with dad

gone I see more of my nada's sides coming out, I suspect she only showed some of

these to dad, but now they are coming out because he isn't here to absorb them.

I foolishly never thought my nada would ever " turn " on me. I definately feel

like she has sometimes now and am struggling to remember it isn't about me, it

is about her. But I am feeling foolish that I am just now realizing all this and

I do question my judgement. And I miss her, or who I thought she was.

HOw did I not pick up on so many cues? It is all very tiring and hard to deal

with sometimes. It is funny how we humans can see things through rose colored

glasses. I sure did. But- no matter how cheated or angry I feel I am very

thankful that I am dealing with emotional issues and not physical or other

issues. My heart goes out to all in this community who have had some of the

horrific traumas to deal with that they have shared. I have to keep perspective.

And I agree, a sense of humor!

> > > >

> > > > Is anyone else just discovering they have BPD in their family and now

need to rethink all their family of origin boundries? I am in this place where I

feel empowered with this new knowledge that there is this thing BPD and think my

mother has a degre of it and I don't feel crazy or inept as often anymore. But,

I now know I need to change my interactions with my family and know I will be

the " bad guy " for this, but need to anyway- for my own mental health. Anyone

else at this point?

> > > >

> > > > Also - I feel like I am alone because I don't feel I can discuss this

new knowledge with either of my sister's nor my mother because I don't trust any

of them anymore. I suspect my younger sister has some of the BPD traits too. I

can talk to my spouse and adult children though. I am finding it a challenge to

realize/accept that I cannot be authentic with my mother and sisters. I have to

put up this wall now, and I can't name the problem or discuss it with them. I

have to just come to grips with this reality and deal with it. I guess I am

mourning what I thought I had.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I feel your pain and celebrate your loving relationships.

> > > > >

> > > > > Is anyone else just discovering they have BPD in their family and now

need to rethink all their family of origin boundries? I am in this place where I

feel empowered with this new knowledge that there is this thing BPD and think my

mother has a degre of it and I don't feel crazy or inept as often anymore. But,

I now know I need to change my interactions with my family and know I will be

the " bad guy " for this, but need to anyway- for my own mental health. Anyone

else at this point?

> > > > >

> > > > > Also - I feel like I am alone because I don't feel I can discuss this

new knowledge with either of my sister's nor my mother because I don't trust any

of them anymore. I suspect my younger sister has some of the BPD traits too. I

can talk to my spouse and adult children though. I am finding it a challenge to

realize/accept that I cannot be authentic with my mother and sisters. I have to

put up this wall now, and I can't name the problem or discuss it with them. I

have to just come to grips with this reality and deal with it. I guess I am

mourning what I thought I had.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

All I know is that since discovering mom is a BPD, nothing will ever be the

same. I have felt relief, grief, anger, pity, sadness and so many more feelings.

What I no longer feel is the self doubt and shame that went with my confusion

(prior to finally understanding what I was dealing with).

All along I was 1) Feeling there must have been something defective inside me

and/or 2) Waiting for her to come to her senses and realize the impact she was

having on the rest of us. Now I know without a doubt these 2 things aren't in

play. She is never going to have an " aha " moment and I in no way can " fix "

myself to become acceptable to her.

She is not ever going to be in a position where she should be making choices for

the rest of the family--even though my father let her have this position for

years. For me, the BPD discovery meant 'game over' -- why continue trying to

follow someone who cannot lead?

All the times before I coddled her, took the fall for her, played peacemaker for

her, put up with her attacks. I thought I was being a good, supportive,

understanding daughter. I did not see that all of us letting her run amok was

just adding to the dysfunction.

Now that I have quietly drawn my line in sand (there has been no confrontation),

I am no use to her any longer. In a way it is great because I had decided to go

LC. She has made that easy for me in that she will not contact me or stop by. It

is like I am dead to her unless I call her or ask them to meet me for a meal.

My father keeps laying on guilt like " None of us are getting any younger. " etc.,

but I do not have any say in making this family any more whole. She is the one

who had chosen to walk away, she has abandoned us, probably out of her own fear

of abandonment that was likely triggered by my attitude change.

I can discuss the BPD issue with my husband and children. Even my sister, but I

am not sure she fully accepts that BPD is the correct issue. I get the feeling

she has long since passed the need to label mom and why she is the way she

is--she does what she needs to do to feel ok about her relationship with mom and

doesn't sweat the rest. There is no one else in the extended family can discuss

this with. My mom made sure of that, driving everyone else away.

Once you know about BPD, things are changed forever. And that's mostly a good

thing.

>

> Is anyone else just discovering they have BPD in their family and now need to

rethink all their family of origin boundries? I am in this place where I feel

empowered with this new knowledge that there is this thing BPD and think my

mother has a degre of it and I don't feel crazy or inept as often anymore. But,

I now know I need to change my interactions with my family and know I will be

the " bad guy " for this, but need to anyway- for my own mental health. Anyone

else at this point?

>

> Also - I feel like I am alone because I don't feel I can discuss this new

knowledge with either of my sister's nor my mother because I don't trust any of

them anymore. I suspect my younger sister has some of the BPD traits too. I can

talk to my spouse and adult children though. I am finding it a challenge to

realize/accept that I cannot be authentic with my mother and sisters. I have to

put up this wall now, and I can't name the problem or discuss it with them. I

have to just come to grips with this reality and deal with it. I guess I am

mourning what I thought I had.

>

[Guest guest]

if it makes you feel any better, one of my posts not only did not get sent and I

got an email that said delivery failure notice.

Carla

> > > >

> > > > Yes, I am right with you.  My mom has ALL the symptoms of Narcissistic

PD and many of BPD, although no  rage which is a tell-tale sign.  And I am

just awakening to this truth.  It's very difficult.  And it's a process.  I

can " say " it, but I can't actually accept her disorders yet.  I will put it

this way, I am accepting...as a process.

> > > >  

> > > > Unlike you, though, my sis is in the boat with me and I am not alone in

setting boundaries that are uncomfortable for the fam. 

> > > >  

> > > > My sis and I have decided NOT to try to talk to nada about her issues or

the myriad of problems she has gotten herself into that she thinks are secret. 

If she approaches us, we can lay the cards on the table.  If not, we will do

what we need to do to closely guard ourselves. 

> > > >  

> > > > It's hard to watch others self-destruct. But it's part of the sickness

to try to rescue them.  May I never return to Savior mode.

> > > >  

> > > > Meanwhile, the grieving process ensues.  I am grieving the mother I

never had.  And the more I'm learning about the illnesses and the havoc she's

created because of them, the more I am getting to know my deceased dad.  Boy,

he was quite a man.  I wish I could tell him that now I know.  I know what he

protected us girls from.  I know so much and my respect for him has grown

immensely.  So, I'm grieving the lost relationship with him as well. 

> > > >  

> > > > I'm not one to really believe in an afterlife so I don't cling to some

hope of talking to Dad in heaven someday about all this.  But I do believe that

going ahead and telling Daddy what I have to say, in the here and now, is worth

doing.  So that's my plan.

> > > >  

> > > > Best,

> > > >

> > > >  

> > > > Cassie

> > > >  

> > > >

> > > > From: karentrue13 <karentrue13@>

> > > > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > > > Sent: Friday, July 15, 2011 7:59 AM

> > > > Subject: Mourning the Loss of what I thought I had

-Setting Boundries

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >  

> > > > Is anyone else just discovering they have BPD in their family and now

need to rethink all their family of origin boundries? I am in this place where I

feel empowered with this new knowledge that there is this thing BPD and think my

mother has a degre of it and I don't feel crazy or inept as often anymore. But,

I now know I need to change my interactions with my family and know I will be

the " bad guy " for this, but need to anyway- for my own mental health. Anyone

else at this point?

> > > >

> > > > Also - I feel like I am alone because I don't feel I can discuss this

new knowledge with either of my sister's nor my mother because I don't trust any

of them anymore. I suspect my younger sister has some of the BPD traits too. I

can talk to my spouse and adult children though. I am finding it a challenge to

realize/accept that I cannot be authentic with my mother and sisters. I have to

put up this wall now, and I can't name the problem or discuss it with them. I

have to just come to grips with this reality and deal with it. I guess I am

mourning what I thought I had.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

I related with so much of this. I know this is how my mother will be now too.

Plus my bsc SIL has sort of 'taken my place', she is a master manipulator and

knows how to push nada's martyr buttons.

It feels very strange. I am also questioning just who i am, since apparently I

am not this horrible person she framed me to be. She actually comes off way more

horrible, when I am talking to my therapist and retelling some of the event of

my childhood.

> >

> > Is anyone else just discovering they have BPD in their family and now need

to rethink all their family of origin boundries? I am in this place where I feel

empowered with this new knowledge that there is this thing BPD and think my

mother has a degre of it and I don't feel crazy or inept as often anymore. But,

I now know I need to change my interactions with my family and know I will be

the " bad guy " for this, but need to anyway- for my own mental health. Anyone

else at this point?

> >

> > Also - I feel like I am alone because I don't feel I can discuss this new

knowledge with either of my sister's nor my mother because I don't trust any of

them anymore. I suspect my younger sister has some of the BPD traits too. I can

talk to my spouse and adult children though. I am finding it a challenge to

realize/accept that I cannot be authentic with my mother and sisters. I have to

put up this wall now, and I can't name the problem or discuss it with them. I

have to just come to grips with this reality and deal with it. I guess I am

mourning what I thought I had.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

thanks

Subject: Re: Mourning the Loss of what I thought I had

-Setting Boundries

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Saturday, July 16, 2011, 11:07 PM

 

I feel your pain and celebrate your loving relationships.

> > > > >

> > > > > Is anyone else just discovering they have BPD in their family and now

need to rethink all their family of origin boundries? I am in this place where I

feel empowered with this new knowledge that there is this thing BPD and think my

mother has a degre of it and I don't feel crazy or inept as often anymore. But,

I now know I need to change my interactions with my family and know I will be

the " bad guy " for this, but need to anyway- for my own mental health. Anyone

else at this point?

> > > > >

> > > > > Also - I feel like I am alone because I don't feel I can discuss this

new knowledge with either of my sister's nor my mother because I don't trust any

of them anymore. I suspect my younger sister has some of the BPD traits too. I

can talk to my spouse and adult children though. I am finding it a challenge to

realize/accept that I cannot be authentic with my mother and sisters. I have to

put up this wall now, and I can't name the problem or discuss it with them. I

have to just come to grips with this reality and deal with it. I guess I am

mourning what I thought I had.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hey Echobabe1,

Wow, I can't beleive how much of your response sounds just like my experience.

It is like I am holding up a mirror when I read it.

I am wondering what you mean when you wrote you have gone LC?

One of the only differences between our experience that I read is that I don't

think my sisters recognize that mom has BP. I think they are both on survival

mode and do whatever it takes to be in good with her and take the hits in

stride. My younger sister is NP and probably BP too. I feel for her two kids in

late teens. I support them as much as I can and they are really close to my

husband and kids and I. My nada and younger sister are like attached at the hip

and both love the fan fare, and it is all about appearances. Not for me. When

together, especially if alcohol is involved, they are like " mean girls "

sometimes. This used to often be directed at me or my husband. Now that I know

what the heck is going on I feel much better.

I am not where you are with my boundries yet, but working on it. I have to be

sure I set a beginning and end time on any visits with family. Too much time and

things unravel, especially if alcohol involved. I stopped ever sleeping over my

parents home several years ago- like for family holidays sometimes we would

instead of driving 40 minutes home - no longer, too hard, and that I have never

been forgiven. No confrontation, but I know they were not happy with it.

My dad too let mom be in charge - do they really have a choice? Now I am putting

things together and I think she bullied him a lot. She used to complain that he

wouldn't fight with her. Really? I wonder why? Would she fight with a scorpion?

He has been gone now 6 months. I miss him a lot. I miss who I thought I had for

a mom. Your first paragraph really hit home for me. I definately feel the grief,

anger, pity, sadness and somtimes the relief is there in the knowing, but you

are so right, nothing will ever be the same.

I really got a lot from your post. I am in awe at how much your experience is

like mine.

> >

> > Is anyone else just discovering they have BPD in their family and now need

to rethink all their family of origin boundries? I am in this place where I feel

empowered with this new knowledge that there is this thing BPD and think my

mother has a degre of it and I don't feel crazy or inept as often anymore. But,

I now know I need to change my interactions with my family and know I will be

the " bad guy " for this, but need to anyway- for my own mental health. Anyone

else at this point?

> >

> > Also - I feel like I am alone because I don't feel I can discuss this new

knowledge with either of my sister's nor my mother because I don't trust any of

them anymore. I suspect my younger sister has some of the BPD traits too. I can

talk to my spouse and adult children though. I am finding it a challenge to

realize/accept that I cannot be authentic with my mother and sisters. I have to

put up this wall now, and I can't name the problem or discuss it with them. I

have to just come to grips with this reality and deal with it. I guess I am

mourning what I thought I had.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Thanks--that's one of the things I LOVE about this list: we all find sisters in

spirit! It has been so validating to find so many other people out there who

have had my experiences, my feelings, after so many years of being not

understood. I am sorry, though, too, as I wouldn't wish a BPD parent on my worst

enemy.

LC means low contact. I tried NC (no contact) at one time, but found without

seeing her on occasion my imagination would make her into a big scary monster

that I so afraid of I could go into a panic attack just thinking about her.

My 1 sibling is 11 years older, and from the first marriage. She and I did not

get along until I went NC with nada. We both went NC with nada during one of her

big blow ups. At that time we finally started sharing stories and discovered we

liked each other and had a 'crazy' mother (nada had put a huge wedge between

us). We are thick as thieves now. I am so thankful to have her in my life now.

But we both had to mature before all this could take place.

So, perhaps your sisters will come around some day, once they have gotten away

from nada long enough? Nadas being what they are, it is only a matter of time

before she blows up her relationships with them.

> > >

> > > Is anyone else just discovering they have BPD in their family and now need

to rethink all their family of origin boundries? I am in this place where I feel

empowered with this new knowledge that there is this thing BPD and think my

mother has a degre of it and I don't feel crazy or inept as often anymore. But,

I now know I need to change my interactions with my family and know I will be

the " bad guy " for this, but need to anyway- for my own mental health. Anyone

else at this point?

> > >

> > > Also - I feel like I am alone because I don't feel I can discuss this new

knowledge with either of my sister's nor my mother because I don't trust any of

them anymore. I suspect my younger sister has some of the BPD traits too. I can

talk to my spouse and adult children though. I am finding it a challenge to

realize/accept that I cannot be authentic with my mother and sisters. I have to

put up this wall now, and I can't name the problem or discuss it with them. I

have to just come to grips with this reality and deal with it. I guess I am

mourning what I thought I had.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Echobabe1,

Thanks for sharing your insights. It really does help.

> > > >

> > > > Is anyone else just discovering they have BPD in their family and now

need to rethink all their family of origin boundries? I am in this place where I

feel empowered with this new knowledge that there is this thing BPD and think my

mother has a degre of it and I don't feel crazy or inept as often anymore. But,

I now know I need to change my interactions with my family and know I will be

the " bad guy " for this, but need to anyway- for my own mental health. Anyone

else at this point?

> > > >

> > > > Also - I feel like I am alone because I don't feel I can discuss this

new knowledge with either of my sister's nor my mother because I don't trust any

of them anymore. I suspect my younger sister has some of the BPD traits too. I

can talk to my spouse and adult children though. I am finding it a challenge to

realize/accept that I cannot be authentic with my mother and sisters. I have to

put up this wall now, and I can't name the problem or discuss it with them. I

have to just come to grips with this reality and deal with it. I guess I am

mourning what I thought I had.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for your posts, very informative and encouraging.

I have just discovered that my mother has BPD. For some years I had been reading

books on emotional blackmail/control freaks, which were totally applicable. The

only problem was, as most people on this forum probably relate to, the label

'control freak' was not broad enough to describe the situation. For me, it was

missing the terms 'unstable' and 'violent/aggressive'. So one day I decided to

google 'unstable'...and BPD was the first thing that came up, and it fits like a

glove.

Everything makes sense now, even my own actions - first I moved cities (leaving

my mother and father behind)...but this was not enough, because they used to

visit me and demand that I visit them. Then I moved countries with my brother.

Now I have moved again, by myself.

(I think my brother may have NPD - when I lived with him in London, I noticed

that he had, what I called at the time, 'sociopathic tendencies' - a complete

lack of remorse/concern for others. I even looked for books on Amazon about

this, but after discovering BPD, and noticing the related NPD, NPD fits him like

a glove.)

So this is the freest I have ever been.

But I am still in a strange place, because I am the only one in my entire family

that knows about my mother's BPD, and my uncle who lives in Melbourne (about

3hrs from me in Sydney) is flying her across for Christmas, and he wants me to

come stay with them, but I sure as hell won't.

The problem I am facing is - what do I tell him?

He has no idea. Do I say, " I am not coming because my mother's crazy? "

He will probably think I am crazy.

(My mother has 4 siblings, and at least one of them has BPD.)

A further thing I am worried about, if I tell them it's BPD, the first thing my

mother will do is find out about it, and twist the whole thing so that it looks

like it's me that has it and it's she who has been the victim all along).

So what do I say?

I have also been considering NC for an extended period - my initial thoughts

were 10yrs...at first glance this seems crazy, but when I truly think about it,

all the times I fought her and begged her to get help, she never did and never

change an inch.

As my brother always says, " She never gets the message, no matter what you

do/say, she just doesn't receive it " . And so, in light of these thoughts, 10yrs

sounds too little - what about my kids one day, I must protect them.

I have read the criteria for BPD, and know that I do not have it, but I still

wonder - what is it that I need to overcome? Her craziness must have done

something to me...

> > > > >

> > > > > Is anyone else just discovering they have BPD in their family and now

need to rethink all their family of origin boundries? I am in this place where I

feel empowered with this new knowledge that there is this thing BPD and think my

mother has a degre of it and I don't feel crazy or inept as often anymore. But,

I now know I need to change my interactions with my family and know I will be

the " bad guy " for this, but need to anyway- for my own mental health. Anyone

else at this point?

> > > > >

> > > > > Also - I feel like I am alone because I don't feel I can discuss this

new knowledge with either of my sister's nor my mother because I don't trust any

of them anymore. I suspect my younger sister has some of the BPD traits too. I

can talk to my spouse and adult children though. I am finding it a challenge to

realize/accept that I cannot be authentic with my mother and sisters. I have to

put up this wall now, and I can't name the problem or discuss it with them. I

have to just come to grips with this reality and deal with it. I guess I am

mourning what I thought I had.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I've always know that I have not had a relationship with my nada. I've

always wanted a relationship with her. I've always put my fada on a pedestal

and I had a wonderful relationship with him..in my head. I am dealing with

that realization now and the realization that I will never get the

relationship that I need now or needed from them. Neither one of them will

change. I will never get an apology from them for what they have done to me

and are still doing to me. In their minds this is all my problem and no one

else's. I am the one tearing the family apart. Fine whatever...

I have been in NC for almost 2 months and I have gone through so many

emotions. I went from elation and feeling relieved to anger and sorrow to

now empty and depressed.I'm sure it's normal. I'm sure it will pass as I

fill my emptiness with healthy things. I'm sweeping out the cobwebs J. It

doesn't help that I'm unemployed as well..lost my job in November, things

look very bleak in that area too. I guess I'm just sort of lost all around

right now.

~~Velvet_Tears74~~

Whatever it takes.....

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of karentrue13

Sent: Friday, July 15, 2011 8:00 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Mourning the Loss of what I thought I had

-Setting Boundries

Is anyone else just discovering they have BPD in their family and now need

to rethink all their family of origin boundries? I am in this place where I

feel empowered with this new knowledge that there is this thing BPD and

think my mother has a degre of it and I don't feel crazy or inept as often

anymore. But, I now know I need to change my interactions with my family and

know I will be the " bad guy " for this, but need to anyway- for my own mental

health. Anyone else at this point?

Also - I feel like I am alone because I don't feel I can discuss this new

knowledge with either of my sister's nor my mother because I don't trust any

of them anymore. I suspect my younger sister has some of the BPD traits too.

I can talk to my spouse and adult children though. I am finding it a

challenge to realize/accept that I cannot be authentic with my mother and

sisters. I have to put up this wall now, and I can't name the problem or

discuss it with them. I have to just come to grips with this reality and

deal with it. I guess I am mourning what I thought I had.

[Guest guest]

Your post brings up a lot of things in me I still struggle with and that which

makes me sad.

I come from a fairly small but close family on both sides. Time and again well

meaning uncles/cousins have been confused by the way my BPD parent operates, and

our portion of the family in general. In my FOO, we all learned how to " run

silent " during periods when mom was more activated. The extended family is not

only confused by this, but we didn't have any clear explanations for them during

these periods because we didn't know a personality disorder was running the

show.

If we came out with something as wild as that (BPD diagnosis), how many would be

able to comprehend the situation? Or care to become so involved? In my mind it

would be a burden for them, and the time has passed for me to be so involved in

their lives.

Then there is the last thing I would want--one of them confronting nada that I

told them " such & such " about her being BPD. She'd find a way to twist it all up

as me being a disloyal child, a selfish liar and immature.

I was very tempted to send an anonymous note to her estranged sister--her only

sibling and last one left. A note with just my nada's name and 'Borderline

Personality Disorder' written down. My therapist even volunteered to mail it

from a far away city for me. I decided that doing so was my own agenda; my aunt

may have already made peace about the estrangement. She's been dealing with my

nada since they were children, after all.

The only one I have chosen to share my assessment with is my sister. Sister

agrees with my diagnosis, but had long ago separated herself from nada & did her

grieving. I'm the one processing and grieving now.

>

> Thanks for your posts, very informative and encouraging.

> I have just discovered that my mother has BPD. For some years I had been

reading books on emotional blackmail/control freaks, which were totally

applicable. The only problem was, as most people on this forum probably relate

to, the label 'control freak' was not broad enough to describe the situation.

For me, it was missing the terms 'unstable' and 'violent/aggressive'. So one day

I decided to google 'unstable'...and BPD was the first thing that came up, and

it fits like a glove.

> Everything makes sense now, even my own actions - first I moved cities

(leaving my mother and father behind)...but this was not enough, because they

used to visit me and demand that I visit them. Then I moved countries with my

brother. Now I have moved again, by myself.

>

> (I think my brother may have NPD - when I lived with him in London, I noticed

that he had, what I called at the time, 'sociopathic tendencies' - a complete

lack of remorse/concern for others. I even looked for books on Amazon about

this, but after discovering BPD, and noticing the related NPD, NPD fits him like

a glove.)

>

> So this is the freest I have ever been.

>

> But I am still in a strange place, because I am the only one in my entire

family that knows about my mother's BPD, and my uncle who lives in Melbourne

(about 3hrs from me in Sydney) is flying her across for Christmas, and he wants

me to come stay with them, but I sure as hell won't.

>

> The problem I am facing is - what do I tell him?

> He has no idea. Do I say, " I am not coming because my mother's crazy? "

> He will probably think I am crazy.

> (My mother has 4 siblings, and at least one of them has BPD.)

>

> A further thing I am worried about, if I tell them it's BPD, the first thing

my mother will do is find out about it, and twist the whole thing so that it

looks like it's me that has it and it's she who has been the victim all along).

> So what do I say?

>

> I have also been considering NC for an extended period - my initial thoughts

were 10yrs...at first glance this seems crazy, but when I truly think about it,

all the times I fought her and begged her to get help, she never did and never

change an inch.

> As my brother always says, " She never gets the message, no matter what you

do/say, she just doesn't receive it " . And so, in light of these thoughts, 10yrs

sounds too little - what about my kids one day, I must protect them.

>

> I have read the criteria for BPD, and know that I do not have it, but I still

wonder - what is it that I need to overcome? Her craziness must have done

something to me...

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

One more thing. I identified about how you came across BPD. For me, I had just

gotten back from a vacation with her. She is HORRIBLE to my father--talks to him

like he is an inferior servant. I was googling " abused husband " and what kind of

man ends up in that position. The website I landed on to discuss abused men

linked me to BPD Central--and KAZAM, there was my mom.

>

> Thanks for your posts, very informative and encouraging.

> I have just discovered that my mother has BPD. For some years I had been

reading books on emotional blackmail/control freaks, which were totally

applicable. The only problem was, as most people on this forum probably relate

to, the label 'control freak' was not broad enough to describe the situation.

For me, it was missing the terms 'unstable' and 'violent/aggressive'. So one day

I decided to google 'unstable'...and BPD was the first thing that came up, and

it fits like a glove.

> Everything makes sense now, even my own actions - first I moved cities

(leaving my mother and father behind)...but this was not enough, because they

used to visit me and demand that I visit them. Then I moved countries with my

brother. Now I have moved again, by myself.

>

> (I think my brother may have NPD - when I lived with him in London, I noticed

that he had, what I called at the time, 'sociopathic tendencies' - a complete

lack of remorse/concern for others. I even looked for books on Amazon about

this, but after discovering BPD, and noticing the related NPD, NPD fits him like

a glove.)

>

> So this is the freest I have ever been.

>

> But I am still in a strange place, because I am the only one in my entire

family that knows about my mother's BPD, and my uncle who lives in Melbourne

(about 3hrs from me in Sydney) is flying her across for Christmas, and he wants

me to come stay with them, but I sure as hell won't.

>

> The problem I am facing is - what do I tell him?

> He has no idea. Do I say, " I am not coming because my mother's crazy? "

> He will probably think I am crazy.

> (My mother has 4 siblings, and at least one of them has BPD.)

>

> A further thing I am worried about, if I tell them it's BPD, the first thing

my mother will do is find out about it, and twist the whole thing so that it

looks like it's me that has it and it's she who has been the victim all along).

> So what do I say?

>

> I have also been considering NC for an extended period - my initial thoughts

were 10yrs...at first glance this seems crazy, but when I truly think about it,

all the times I fought her and begged her to get help, she never did and never

change an inch.

> As my brother always says, " She never gets the message, no matter what you

do/say, she just doesn't receive it " . And so, in light of these thoughts, 10yrs

sounds too little - what about my kids one day, I must protect them.

>

> I have read the criteria for BPD, and know that I do not have it, but I still

wonder - what is it that I need to overcome? Her craziness must have done

something to me...

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I know you a myriad of things right now: sadness, grief, anger, loneliness,

broken, to suggest a few. You probably feel stuck too, as if this process will

never feel any better.

I just came out of a year long grief period after finally pegging my mom with

BPD and beginning to finally accept that I wasn't the problem and she was never

going to 'come around.'

This is a long process of acceptance. At times it seems overwhelming. But you

are healing and becoming the person you were always meant to be. Pretty soon it

will not matter what they think. Once you look at them with fully opened eyes

you will see that their opinions don't really matter, and have only been

dragging you down for years. What is there left to lose, after all? That is when

the magic happens--the acceptance of your 'self' as more important than their

fairy tales.

<<hugs>> & lots of well wishes in the job search

>

> I've always know that I have not had a relationship with my nada. I've

> always wanted a relationship with her. I've always put my fada on a pedestal

> and I had a wonderful relationship with him..in my head. I am dealing with

> that realization now and the realization that I will never get the

> relationship that I need now or needed from them. Neither one of them will

> change. I will never get an apology from them for what they have done to me

> and are still doing to me. In their minds this is all my problem and no one

> else's. I am the one tearing the family apart. Fine whatever...

>

>

>

> I have been in NC for almost 2 months and I have gone through so many

> emotions. I went from elation and feeling relieved to anger and sorrow to

> now empty and depressed.I'm sure it's normal. I'm sure it will pass as I

> fill my emptiness with healthy things. I'm sweeping out the cobwebs J. It

> doesn't help that I'm unemployed as well..lost my job in November, things

> look very bleak in that area too. I guess I'm just sort of lost all around

> right now.

>

>

>

> ~~Velvet_Tears74~~

>

>

>

> Whatever it takes.....

>

>

>

> From: WTOAdultChildren1

> [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of karentrue13

> Sent: Friday, July 15, 2011 8:00 AM

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Subject: Mourning the Loss of what I thought I had

> -Setting Boundries

>

>

>

>

>

> Is anyone else just discovering they have BPD in their family and now need

> to rethink all their family of origin boundries? I am in this place where I

> feel empowered with this new knowledge that there is this thing BPD and

> think my mother has a degre of it and I don't feel crazy or inept as often

> anymore. But, I now know I need to change my interactions with my family and

> know I will be the " bad guy " for this, but need to anyway- for my own mental

> health. Anyone else at this point?

>

> Also - I feel like I am alone because I don't feel I can discuss this new

> knowledge with either of my sister's nor my mother because I don't trust any

> of them anymore. I suspect my younger sister has some of the BPD traits too.

> I can talk to my spouse and adult children though. I am finding it a

> challenge to realize/accept that I cannot be authentic with my mother and

> sisters. I have to put up this wall now, and I can't name the problem or

> discuss it with them. I have to just come to grips with this reality and

> deal with it. I guess I am mourning what I thought I had.

>

>

>

>

>

>