Mom rewrites history, and thinks that she is you

[Guest guest]

My nada was convinced I was doing drugs when I was in high school because she

caught me--get this--doing aerobics. I had Jane Fonda in the VCR, doing leg

lifts, and nada comes running downstairs all in a lather, telling me I must be

on drugs because " no one wakes up at 5:30 in the morning to do aerobics. " It was

then that I decided I'd have to wait until college to become more physically

fit.

> >

> > My mom has done this too. Sometimes, though, the thing she makes up is not

about something she has done, but the reverse - about something I have done.

One time she told someone a story about me as a child, and the story was

actually an event from a comic strip we were reading years ago. She actually

believed what went on in the comic strip was something that had actually taken

place. Unbelievable! Now it wasn't anything serious and I know better than to

confront her on such an issue as it will only produce a rage, but still!

> >

> > As for the getting angry part - this is something I am working on - to not

take her crazy behavior personally. I find that the anger starts to consume me,

and it's not healthy. I just have to keep reminding myself - there is nothing

that I can do to change the situation or make her better. The ONLY one I can do

anything about is myself. I know the truth, and that is what matters. REALITY

is what matters. If someone thinks something bad about me, then so be it (this

is very hard for me to take) but again, I have had enough times where the TRUTH

has revealed itself over time with her. Being angry about her antics

(especially the past) has NEVER helped me one bit - it has only hurt me. It's

still a work in progress. My biggest initiative is that my mother never let go

of the past and can rage about things from her childhood - still! I see myself

very easily following in her footsteps if I don't catch myself.

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks, llelll. I actually finished grad school 6 years ago, and it was just my

last year of grad school I was having trouble making ends meet living on

financial aid and a part-time teaching gig at the college. It was so ridiculous

to be treated like a failure when I had been accepted into the top 5 dance

departments as a grad student (they only take 3-4 a year) and was considered

such a huge talent in the modern dance world, to have nada talk to me like that.

Yeah, she just needed the drama. Ug.

> > >

> > > My mom has done this too. Sometimes, though, the thing she makes up is

not about something she has done, but the reverse - about something I have done.

One time she told someone a story about me as a child, and the story was

actually an event from a comic strip we were reading years ago. She actually

believed what went on in the comic strip was something that had actually taken

place. Unbelievable! Now it wasn't anything serious and I know better than to

confront her on such an issue as it will only produce a rage, but still!

> > >

> > > As for the getting angry part - this is something I am working on - to not

take her crazy behavior personally. I find that the anger starts to consume me,

and it's not healthy. I just have to keep reminding myself - there is nothing

that I can do to change the situation or make her better. The ONLY one I can do

anything about is myself. I know the truth, and that is what matters. REALITY

is what matters. If someone thinks something bad about me, then so be it (this

is very hard for me to take) but again, I have had enough times where the TRUTH

has revealed itself over time with her. Being angry about her antics

(especially the past) has NEVER helped me one bit - it has only hurt me. It's

still a work in progress. My biggest initiative is that my mother never let go

of the past and can rage about things from her childhood - still! I see myself

very easily following in her footsteps if I don't catch myself.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

oh my freaking hell!!! I could totally see my nada freak out over that. I

did aerobics once in elementary school and she flipped out cuz my face was

flushed. Lazy bitches.

> **

>

>

> Thanks, llelll. I actually finished grad school 6 years ago, and it was

> just my last year of grad school I was having trouble making ends meet

> living on financial aid and a part-time teaching gig at the college. It was

> so ridiculous to be treated like a failure when I had been accepted into the

> top 5 dance departments as a grad student (they only take 3-4 a year) and

> was considered such a huge talent in the modern dance world, to have nada

> talk to me like that.

>

> Yeah, she just needed the drama. Ug.

>

>

>

>

> > > >

> > > > My mom has done this too. Sometimes, though, the thing she makes up

> is not about something she has done, but the reverse - about something I

> have done. One time she told someone a story about me as a child, and the

> story was actually an event from a comic strip we were reading years ago.

> She actually believed what went on in the comic strip was something that had

> actually taken place. Unbelievable! Now it wasn't anything serious and I

> know better than to confront her on such an issue as it will only produce a

> rage, but still!

> > > >

> > > > As for the getting angry part - this is something I am working on -

> to not take her crazy behavior personally. I find that the anger starts to

> consume me, and it's not healthy. I just have to keep reminding myself -

> there is nothing that I can do to change the situation or make her better.

> The ONLY one I can do anything about is myself. I know the truth, and that

> is what matters. REALITY is what matters. If someone thinks something bad

> about me, then so be it (this is very hard for me to take) but again, I have

> had enough times where the TRUTH has revealed itself over time with her.

> Being angry about her antics (especially the past) has NEVER helped me one

> bit - it has only hurt me. It's still a work in progress. My biggest

> initiative is that my mother never let go of the past and can rage about

> things from her childhood - still! I see myself very easily following in her

> footsteps if I don't catch myself.

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

What you are describing is the BP behaviour called gaslighting. (Read

SWOE for detailed description.) Essentially that is when they recall an

event in a way that is totally at odds with what other remember.

Usually the changes are such that they put them in the role of hero,

martyr, or victim. They become so thoroughly convinced that thier story

is true that they can make you doubt your own memory.

It is infuritating.

My own favorite GL story concerns my high school graduation. My nada

was in nursing school during my senior year, and dropped inexplicably.

I can recall having an argument about money ( odd, how they put thier

children in a parent/husband role! ) during which I said , in anger, I

ll just have to drop out of school and go to work full time to support

us. ( Again with the parent role! See how they warp us?)

This came back to haunt me.

Immediatly after she dropped out of school, her excuse was that the

director had it in for her because I had dated her daughter and broke up

with her. ( I did, for about 6 months. She was older and taking

marriage. I was terrified! ) But , the director, was a sweet

lady , who liked me and was not vindictive. She even asked me afterward

why Mom dropped out. She never knew.

Later , her story morphed into her dropping out to keep me from dropping

out of high school by getting a job. Problem is, she didnt GET a job,

she just sponged off her mom. Later still the story became that she

dropped in order to get a job and pay for my cap and gown. Same

problem, plus, as I told her, it is MY graduation, not yours. It was no

big deal for me, since I had already joined the Navy and would be

leaving shortly after. Besides, I could have gotten the $30 bucks

from my Dad, a number of uncles, or, knowing our HS Principal, a very

compassionate man, if he had found I did not order the cap and gown,

someone would have paid it. But on top of that, I WAS working at the

time, and she was not, so in fact, I paid for the damn gap and gown!

Infuriated me, but she stuck to the story till she died.

Doug

>

> This one memory has been bugging me a bit lately, and I was wondering

if anyone else had a similar experience. When I was maybe 12 or 13, we

got a 2nd dog, a springer spaniel. Nada, dad, and I went to get the dog.

Nada and I picked the dog up. Up until that time in my life I had been a

writer, writing little stories all the time. Nada and dad had this

computer with Word Perfect on it, and I used it to write all sorts of

stories. I was a creative little story teller. I suggested we name the

dog a certain name after the main character in a story I was writing.

For anonymity's sake, let's say the dog's name was Krissy. So we named

the dog after the character in my story, although I never told anyone

that's where I got the name for the dog.

>

> About a decade later, my brother, nada and I were talking about the

dog, and I remembered how I had named the dog. Both brother and nada

disagreed, claiming separately that they had both named the dog. I

argued with them and said, no, I named the dog, because I was writing a

story and that's what I named the main character. Now, I don't know what

was going on with my brother claiming he named the dog, but I honestly

think nada thought she named the dog because she thinks she is me

sometimes. She can't differentiate herself between myself, she doesn't

understand that I am not an entity of her.

>

> I don't know why brother would claim to have named the dog; he married

an NPD (in my opinion) and he's turned into quite the narcissistic

jackass himself, so I'm guessing it's coming from some of his underlying

issues.

>

> I don't know why this story makes me so angry, but it does. Every time

I think about it, I get furious. Those two jerks tried to make me think

I was crazy. And I did. I doubted my memory of the occasion and was

began to doubt my memories of many other things. But I don't anymore. I

know what happened. And I know that I named the dog. Period.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Janet,

Another common BP thing. My nada was very inappropriate about sex. If

you did walk in on them, the appropriate thing is to calmly tell you to

leave and let mommy and daddy have some alone time. That would hardly

be the time for a discussion of sexuality!

I asked a simple question about biology, to wit, in this microscope

picture it shows a fertilized ova. So where did that sperm cell come

from?

Appropriate and age adjusted answer? From the daddy, dear. What I got?

Well, the man puts his....and on it went. I was mortified!

Doug

>

> My stepmom had a memory that I have absolutely no recollection of.Â

She said that one night, she and my dad were getting ready to be

" intimate " , and I walked in the bedroom wondering what they were doing,

and she had to explain the birds and the bees to me. I do not

remember this happening. I already knew about the birds and the

bees, and I would remember if I had caught them having sex. I think

every child remembers the time they caught their parents in the act.Â

I wonder if maybe she confused me with my brother, or maybe one of her

kids had caught her and their dad in the act. It's one of those

things that I have thought about so much over the years, that it almost

has become a real memory. I know that it never happened though.Â

> Janet

>

[Guest guest]

My ma does this same thing all the time: lie.

For example, when my father was sick, she would make his appointments for him.

She would ask what time he wanted them. After he told her, she would think

things through and decide that the appointment time he had chosen was

wrong/needed adjustment. So she would make the appointment for the time she

wanted. Then when he complained, she would say, " Sorry, I thought you wanted it

at that time. " The one time she did it right in front of all of us. She had

called the docs office, she turned around to my father and asked him what time.

He said 12:30. She turned back to the receiver and said, " Make it 1pm. " He

outraged, by very weak from the big C so couldn't protest properly. I said to

her, " What are you doing, he said 12:30 not 1pm. " She waved her hand in the air

and said, " I don't know, I guess it was a miscommunication. "

Crazy stuff!

> >

> > My stepmom had a memory that I have absolutely no recollection of.Â

> She said that one night, she and my dad were getting ready to be

> " intimate " , and I walked in the bedroom wondering what they were doing,

> and she had to explain the birds and the bees to me. I do not

> remember this happening. I already knew about the birds and the

> bees, and I would remember if I had caught them having sex. I think

> every child remembers the time they caught their parents in the act.Â

> I wonder if maybe she confused me with my brother, or maybe one of her

> kids had caught her and their dad in the act. It's one of those

> things that I have thought about so much over the years, that it almost

> has become a real memory. I know that it never happened though.Â

> > Janet

> >

>

[Guest guest]

that is so very true, about it not being in vogue then, to say the least.

someone (ironically it was Gene on the show 'family jewels') was talking

about the so-called 'greatest generation' and how wonderful it was with no

shrinks, etc, etc, everyone just did what they were told to do, etc, la la

la...and every time I hear that I am thinking Mao, Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini,

Nagasaki and Hiroshima, Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, the World Wars, etc, etc...I

can never understand what it is exactly people are hearkening back to; I believe

childhood trauma is the most destructive force on this planet, aside from

natural disasters, Hitler himself having obviously had a core of shame and

projecting that part of himself onto an 'other' and responsible for so much

genocide, more Americans come from German ancestry than any other immigrant

group...I spent years in recovery side by side with people my parents age so I

know many from that generation do get help. Not mine, though, they hide in

religion and everyone else is the problem.

> > > >

> > > > This one memory has been bugging me a bit lately, and I was wondering if

anyone else had a similar experience. When I was maybe 12 or 13, we got a 2nd

dog, a springer spaniel. Nada, dad, and I went to get the dog. Nada and I picked

the dog up. Up until that time in my life I had been a writer, writing little

stories all the time. Nada and dad had this computer with Word Perfect on it,

and I used it to write all sorts of stories. I was a creative little story

teller. I suggested we name the dog a certain name after the main character in a

story I was writing. For anonymity's sake, let's say the dog's name was Krissy.

So we named the dog after the character in my story, although I never told

anyone that's where I got the name for the dog.

> > > >

> > > > About a decade later, my brother, nada and I were talking about the dog,

and I remembered how I had named the dog. Both brother and nada disagreed,

claiming separately that they had both named the dog. I argued with them and

said, no, I named the dog, because I was writing a story and that's what I named

the main character. Now, I don't know what was going on with my brother claiming

he named the dog, but I honestly think nada thought she named the dog because

she thinks she is me sometimes. She can't differentiate herself between myself,

she doesn't understand that I am not an entity of her.

> > > >

> > > > I don't know why brother would claim to have named the dog; he married

an NPD (in my opinion) and he's turned into quite the narcissistic jackass

himself, so I'm guessing it's coming from some of his underlying issues.

> > > >

> > > > I don't know why this story makes me so angry, but it does. Every time I

think about it, I get furious. Those two jerks tried to make me think I was

crazy. And I did. I doubted my memory of the occasion and was began to doubt my

memories of many other things. But I don't anymore. I know what happened. And I

know that I named the dog. Period.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

very well said i think.. thanks.

Subject: Re: Mom rewrites history, and thinks that she is

you

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Wednesday, July 20, 2011, 3:52 AM

 

that is so very true, about it not being in vogue then, to say the least.

someone (ironically it was Gene on the show 'family jewels') was talking

about the so-called 'greatest generation' and how wonderful it was with no

shrinks, etc, etc, everyone just did what they were told to do, etc, la la

la...and every time I hear that I am thinking Mao, Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini,

Nagasaki and Hiroshima, Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, the World Wars, etc, etc...I

can never understand what it is exactly people are hearkening back to; I believe

childhood trauma is the most destructive force on this planet, aside from

natural disasters, Hitler himself having obviously had a core of shame and

projecting that part of himself onto an 'other' and responsible for so much

genocide, more Americans come from German ancestry than any other immigrant

group...I spent years in recovery side by side with people my parents age so I

know many from that generation do get

help. Not mine, though, they hide in religion and everyone else is the problem.

> > > >

> > > > This one memory has been bugging me a bit lately, and I was wondering if

anyone else had a similar experience. When I was maybe 12 or 13, we got a 2nd

dog, a springer spaniel. Nada, dad, and I went to get the dog. Nada and I picked

the dog up. Up until that time in my life I had been a writer, writing little

stories all the time. Nada and dad had this computer with Word Perfect on it,

and I used it to write all sorts of stories. I was a creative little story

teller. I suggested we name the dog a certain name after the main character in a

story I was writing. For anonymity's sake, let's say the dog's name was Krissy.

So we named the dog after the character in my story, although I never told

anyone that's where I got the name for the dog.

> > > >

> > > > About a decade later, my brother, nada and I were talking about the dog,

and I remembered how I had named the dog. Both brother and nada disagreed,

claiming separately that they had both named the dog. I argued with them and

said, no, I named the dog, because I was writing a story and that's what I named

the main character. Now, I don't know what was going on with my brother claiming

he named the dog, but I honestly think nada thought she named the dog because

she thinks she is me sometimes. She can't differentiate herself between myself,

she doesn't understand that I am not an entity of her.

> > > >

> > > > I don't know why brother would claim to have named the dog; he married

an NPD (in my opinion) and he's turned into quite the narcissistic jackass

himself, so I'm guessing it's coming from some of his underlying issues.

> > > >

> > > > I don't know why this story makes me so angry, but it does. Every time I

think about it, I get furious. Those two jerks tried to make me think I was

crazy. And I did. I doubted my memory of the occasion and was began to doubt my

memories of many other things. But I don't anymore. I know what happened. And I

know that I named the dog. Period.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >