Re: One step forward and five back - it sucks

February 3, 2012

Hi Dirk,

Welcome to the Group.

Yes, its really hard for us adult kids of bpd parents to wrap our minds around

the reality that its just not possible to have a normal, trusting relationship

with our bpd parent because of the personality disorder; they are not capable of

it.

Your mother can't relate to you as simply another fellow human being who is a

unique individual and a fellow adult; instead she casts you in various roles.

You aren't *you* to your mother, you are her appendage (like an extra arm,

attached to her with no will but hers) or her substitute parent, or her rescuer,

or her substitute spouse, or her therapist, or her worst enemy, or anyone,

really , except who you actually are: her adult son. And depending on how she's

feeling about herself at the moment, you are either all-good or all-bad.

So, the first task is to understand and accept that the way she behaves, thinks,

feels, and perceives things actually has nothing at all to do with you, or with

reality for that matter.

Your mother is mentally ill, and you did not make her mentally ill, and you

can't cure her.

She is the only one who has the power to choose whether to seek psychiatric help

or not, (unless she becomes psychotic or suicidal; then she will likely wind up

a hospital for observation and evaluation, either voluntarily or involuntarily.)

Your mother's feelings, perceptions, and thoughts are her own responsibility.

You are not responsible for how she feels about anything.

There is nothing morally wrong or unethical about protecting yourself from an

abusive person, even if that person happens to be your own mother or father.

You might want to start reading up about the Cluster B personality disorders;

there is something about realizing that this is a genuine mental illness that

can help take away some of the inappropriate, misplaced feelings guilt and

responsibility that they want to saddle us with. Its not you. You are not

causing your mother to be abusive, and you do have the right to withdraw

yourself from someone who does want to exploit your love and loyalty, and drain

you dry emotionally. You deserve to have your own responsible, joyful,

self-actualized adult life.

I highly recommend " Understanding The Borderline Mother " , and " Surviving a

Borderline Parent. " And Randi Kreger's newer book " The Essential Family Guide

to BPD. "

And you might want to check out the technique called " Medium Chill " , which is

about how to remain emotionally neutral when you must have contact with a

difficult, personality-disordered person. You can find it at post #132289.

Welcome to the Group; I hope you will find validation, peace and healing here

among your fellow KOs (adult Kids Of bpd parents.)

-Annie

>

> Hi my Mum has a borderline personality and it gets worse with her age ... she

gets more and more selfish, harder and filled with bitterness ( " you have been

such a bad son the last years, never had time when I needed you ... " , " I cannot

depend on you ... " )

> Every time I think okay lets start over again, it starts nice, we talk, I

trust her more and more, tell her things open minded (not thinking about the

exakt word meaning and the possible double meanings or missunderstandigs ...)

than from nowhere there's a clash ... she tears everything down ... all

confidence in her is crushed then ... I feel so little, anxious, helpless,

clumsy and sad, cause I realize all efforts were for nothing even things get

worse, I am the " big liar " / " selfish boy " / the " iceman " ... and it hurts.

Either I have to build a very solid wall around my heart to protect myself from

hurting me and run away, keep her away from me or if I slowly come out of my

hidings, open the gates to my soul for her and become unawary the attack comes

definite :-(

> There must be a way just in the middle but how do you stay on it?

>

> I would be gratefull about hints.

>

> Thanks

>

> Dirk

>

February 3, 2012

My sister beat this into my head a decade ago: " You cannot, ever, let down your

guard and trust that Mom really is who she says she is. She will wait until you

are feeling safe in her arms and then she will crush your heart again. She

cannot be other, it is not possible for her. "

I am sorry Dirk. We give them our trust because we so very much WISH the

situation was different--we want the unconditional love that is supposed to be

our birthright. But like smoke and mirrors, it doesn't really exist for us. We

have to take on the role of being mother (and/or father) to our own self.

One big, huge way we can accomplish this is to approach all interactions with

your mother by having a pep talk with yourself beforehand--tell yourself that

you will not allow yourself to be fooled again, that you will take better care

of yourself. You will protect your heart from the hope that never gets

fulfilled. If you do this, you will become stronger and less vulnerable to

falling for the false mothering being offered to you. You will stumble, but

every time you will get better at nurturing/protecting yourself.